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9 Ways to Turn Her Off Like a Light
**Well folks, finals time is here. And no not the bum ass NBA Finals. As you are reading this I am either trying to get some sleep before my exam, sweating through the exam, or trying to rest my brain because its over. I’ve revamped an oldie, but goodie. Do enjoy!!**
There are plenty of things a man can do or not do that will keep a woman’s jeans limited to room for one. Fellas, if you do one or a combination of these things in an attempt to get da draws, you may expect none.
1. Keith Sweat type begging
This is NOT sexy and is a perfect example of when the word please does not possess the magical powers its rumored to have. Lines like, “Come on girl, please?”; “Girl, please let me put it in, just for a little bit.”; or “Please girl. I just I want to feel you,” do not make you look like the manly man we want you do be. And no, begging her to speak into your mic instead does not get her all hot and moist. Spooning anyone?
2. Being corny
Some women like corny dudes, which is fine. I’m talking about that corniness thats cripples you to a point where your handsome face and well put together appearance gets overrun by your bad jokes or your inability to hold an entertaining conversation. This ruins all hope. When a man has an uptight and lame look and feel about him, it kinda makes women wonder, “Could he possibly be good in the sack?” Most don’t want to stick around to find out.
3. Bug-a-Boo status and possessive tendencies
This is more scary than anything else. True, women do like attention. But when a man you “talk to” and/or see on a pretty regular basis before you give up the goods calls, texts, or emails 24/7, wants to know who you’re with at all times, when you’re getting back, goes through your phone, or gets jealous when the waiter says “Good Evening,” giving up the cookie becomes less and less of an option. None of that Ike and Tina over here.
4. Poor Grooming
Some women like men that are a little rough around the edges. But if you have chapped lips, dirt under your finger nails, pit stains on your Hanes Tees, leaned over shoes, and crumbs in your sheets (if you’ve gotten her this far), spooning will not lead to forking tonight.
5. If its clear you are going to hit and quit
Most women don’t want this. We may not be expecting a ring tomorrow, but we like to know that if we give it up once, you won’t stop calling or coming around. To prevent the heartache later, we don’t just play hard to get…we actually will be.
6. Excessive sexual talk
Every time we talk, it is not a turn on to ask her what she’s wearing, or tell her how bad you want it, especially if she’s only known you for 1 week…unless she’s a freak-a-leek. Then and only then is this likely to work.
7. Your size.
The evening starts out with some date-ish activity and ends back at her place. You play the “Let’s watch TV” game, heavy petting ensues, and she discovers what your working with, or what you aren’t. Sometimes, it can be too big…maybe she’s scared. And if your weeny is teeny, then…you know the rest. Either way, she straightens up, yawns and ends the night. Sorry Jimmy.
8. Boo, where is your manliness?
Y’all know I love a manly man. One that exudes masculinity through his manly pores. It can start with a handshake. If I extend my hand to shake yours and I feel like I’m shaking a child’s hand, you are knocked out of the running. You probably don’t like sports either. To that I say, “No cookie for you!” (said in the Soup Nazi’s voice from Seinfeld).
9. Too much Cushion for the pushin’
I’m sorry, but there is a weight limit in my bed. I like a man of some size, but there is a such thing as too much weight. If you can’t look down and see beyond your gut, or I have to lift it up to find Sir Pumpington, he will never get acquainted with Madame Tight N. McWarmberg.
Ladies, do add a number 10 to complete the list, because I know yall have some stories. Fellas, what do you think about this list based on your experiences betwixt the sheets? Let’s have fun with it.
Sowhatiff -Sorry boo, this cookie is not for you - Jenkins
64 Responses to “9 Ways to Turn Her Off Like a Light”
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I agree with all of these.
10. We are ‘making out’ and it’s pretty late, and your phone rings.
I am now turned off because I’m now wondering who in the highest of he!!s is calling you at this hour. It for sure ain’t your boy.
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Southern Belle Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:34 am
YES! fml, YES.
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My 10 is without a doubt videogames or more specifically any guy that would turn down s*x to finish playin some videogame…or fantasy football/baseball/basketball. My old roommate dated a guy like this, they’d been together 2 yrs and she said he was constantly turning down the cookie for his games.
I understand men need to have their time like I need my time, so if u choose to play videogames or whatever that’s cool but when it starts to consume you’re life so much that it interferes with s*x, work or any other “adult activity”………MAJOR turn off.
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streetz Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 8:32 am
If dude did that, he either is gay or didnt like the P. I lean more towards GHEY
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Steph Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 8:49 am
I agree…I was like wth…I was so proud when she finally dumped his ass.
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CHeeKZ McGamer Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Sometimes the kat just isn’t good.
Its different if you turn down new kat for video games, but the same kat that you get everyday. WHO CARES!
I gotta get the fantasy line up in before the first game starts.
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streetz Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 9:32 am
Cheekz I feel you on this post. Id get mad because I wont turn it down and itll interrupt my flow, lol
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Steph Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 9:39 am
That’s when it’s just time for breakup though…if u no longer want to get down with SO…then the relationship has just fizzled to nothing.
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Yeah Whatev Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I don’t know if I agree. I LOVE videogames, so I would totally understand where the dude was coming from. Maybe the P just wasn’t that great.
Plus here is an idea what if you played a game against the dude whoever whens gets to decide what to do next. Turn it into a competition. Strip tease. Whatever. :LOL
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Yeah Whatev Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:34 am
that was whoever “wins” gets to decide what to do next.
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Tiff I think this list is official and definitely valid. The only thing I’d say is your #2 may be a little off because chicks will let corny dudes blow their back out on the reg! lol!
I mean seriously though, what’s the true definition of corny? Like I’ve heard women say there’s good corny and bad corny. I’m not really sure. Corny always received a negative connotation where I’m from, so if you address me as such I don’t take it as a term of endearment. lolol.
Other than that good job!
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Yeah Whatev Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:45 am
“The only thing I’d say is your #2 may be a little off because chicks will let corny dudes blow their back out on the reg! lol!”
Agreed. I feel so much more comfortable to be myself when I’m around a corny dude. I admit I’m a bit corny myself. Ain’t nothing wrong with being corny. It seems the more intelligent (book smart) a dude is the more corny he seems to be. I luv intelligent dudes. True intelligence beats a dummy with major “swag” any day cause in many cases “cool” dudes use swagger to the hide the fact that they can’t read well or at all. LOL.
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temps Reply:
May 6th, 2009 at 2:01 am
“It seems the more intelligent (book smart) a dude is the more corny he seems to be”
I sooo disagree smart dudes like myself use the golden rule…you play it even…never dumb it down but never “go there” if you dont have to. The older I get the more intrigued women are that I am a sports guy that actually knows some things..I have had some women not even know the sport side, since I always can chime on a various amount of topics some assume I just aint into sports.
Its all about balance-I will never get the draws off with mindless intellectual blather but the response I get when she doesnt know how smart I am and some innocent moment brings it to light not some showy-big word dropping melodramatic display is very satisfying. Also I have been complimented on my style-wit and charm enough to know I am smart without sacrificing style. I feel book smart=being corny is a myth to some degree.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
I too am a little corny. Yet quite cool. But the dude would never know that she thinks he’s a little corny. She’s not gonna be like, aww boo, you’re so corny. lol. Thats reserved for the convo with the homegirls.
There is that threshold of corniness though. Yall know that guy, who can’t hold a conversation with anyone, let alone bag a chic.
And intelligence and corniness are not the same. I’ll take a book smart man over a swaggalicious guy any day.
Ok. No more reading comments for me.
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All I have to contribute today is the following:
Madame Tight N. McWarmberg is the funniest pseudonym ever created. Neither Lord Pumpington, Sir Cuddlesworth, nor Sir Squiggly Wiggly can beat that. I laughed for a good 10 minutes, and I thank you.
Kudos, Ms. Jenkins!
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:02 am
yeah that ish was great lol twenty points for Ms Tiff!
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Cheekie Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Also giving props to Tiff for the female pseudonym. You the best!
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Top Nine Reasons that turn a guy off:
1)Telling me how your day was (you say vent, I think beer commercial)
2)Smelly Kat
3)Just Laying there, no noise no motion…
4)Crying, its like blackmail.
5)White underwear (should never be worn by black people)
6)Anything have to due with your menstral cycle.
7)Talk of Children
8)Any Gastric Issue (the sight, sound, or discussion of you and a toilet make me want to throw up considering I put that part of my body in my mouth. All women farts and queefs should be made illegal by Obama.)
9)TEETH
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Cheekie Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:41 am
“9)TEETH”
This is forever reminding me of how TRUE referred to Steve Harvey as TEETH Harvey over at SBM and I…can’t…breathe.
Also see: Tom Cruise and Julia Roberts. Their teeth look like their entrance song is the Pacman theme.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
I disagree to #5. You’ve just never seen the right white underwear. I have a pair of white cotton and lace boyshorts that always get a standing ovation and never seem to stay on long
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
May 1st, 2009 at 10:30 pm
White undies are weird. No matter what cut.
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I think the corniness may have a reverse effect for some people, as it is the number 1 weapon in their arsenal.
I must say, I have used the term spooning my whole life, but damn, I have never heard a reference to the fork ever.
Oldies are always goodies SoWhatIff! Keith Sweat never did nothing to hurt nobody!
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Spooning is GHEY! Ill only spoon in hopes of winning the fight to get shortys pants off so we can get it poppin!
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:03 am
LMAO oh gosh… spooning is nice, and a good spooning can get you some…
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Oh yes it can.
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streetz Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Well whose going to volunteer to show me how this can occur? Because as experts, Im sure you can provide an excellent arguement in favor of said spooning.
lol
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heavy Hand Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Spooning is the sh*t. Give it a shot. Even if you don’t get some that night, you get a coochie coupon. So when she laying there watchin’ “The Real Ho-wives of {insert city here}”, you can spoon up and doze off to save your eyes from the nonsense.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Spooning is ghey! Never that! I am the world-renowned Colossus of Cuddle and Sultan of Spoon. I’m talking table spoon, not tea. A good spoon goes a long way in increasing a man’s chance to give shorty the (hopefully) long strokes.
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TRUE Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:46 am
waking up after spooning is excellent for sideways sex or spoon sex…Oooh …its right there..ready to go…
thats a plus for spooning
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streetz Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:48 am
LOLOL I guess. I mean spooning for the sake of spooning? IDK
Spooning for the sake of the Punani? Cosizzle
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
yeah, if a woman allows you to get that close and you don’t go straight to grabbing one of her “special places,” that, my friend, means you’re “in there like swimwear”once the show/movie is over (or not).
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oh how can we forget:
#10 Hot breath and/or Smelly body odor – if dude’s breath is kicking, or he smells awful, thats an automatic peace out, even if he looks gorgeous.
and #11 Pathological liar – if he consistently lies about the smallest things, you should know something is wrong with this guy.
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Steph Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:15 am
ahh yess, I know a couple #11…that is so annoying
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TRUE Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:15 am
yeah Vanessa, the lying thing is stupid
the most famous “I live with my momma to help her out with bills”
why you have to live with your momma to contribute to her bills …..why she not living with YOU
LIES I TELL YA
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:56 am
lol exactly! just admit that you can’t afford it at the moment… lying just makes u look sketchy.
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Cheekie Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“the most famous “I live with my momma to help her out with bills””
LMAO! So, it’s at no convenience to YOU?! GTFOH and jump off a bridge.
When I lived with Mama right outta college, I helped her out with her bills, but it’s only because I couldn’t afford to pay my own ish. It was cheaper to live with her. Ninjas kill me with that mess. At least I owned up to it. Mama would tell me it helped her out when I paid for certain bills, but I only countered with “Well, you’re providing me with a place to stay…it’s the least I can do”. I wasn’t really doing her any favors as she was doing me the real favor.
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Anna Nimous Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
I’m gonna have to disagree with this one, but only because I’m going through it right now…..mom’s needs some money, the kind that will come on the regular and be more (waaaay more) than $50 or so. Me and the boo are quite comfortable where we are, but I can’t afford my bills and hers, too. Basically, she needs a roommate. I can’t put mamma in a house with just any ole body, so the boo and I are moving in with her.
Trust – this is not a good look from a distance, but it’s for her own good. And I’m quick to judge a man who lives with mom. Double standard, I know. Sue me.
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olivya23 Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I whole-heartedly agree with #10. There is no reason why you should smell foul. ESPECIALLY if you know you are going over to a girl’s place. get it together, please!
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On my blog I put Things women hate at the club
I HATE whether in the club or not SMELLY F*CKING DREADS/LOCS
WTF…How you all fly in your sneaks and jeans and fly shirt..and your F*CKING LOCS STINK…
WASH THEM SH*TS
Who wants dandruff on their pillow or whatever else is crawling around on top of your head under that nest
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:23 am
“Who wants dandruff on their pillow or whatever else is crawling around on top of your head under that nest”
ewwwww. lol
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Southern Belle Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 10:37 am
The odor from locks does carry…and linger. Hug a man with stanky dreads and that mess will hang on your shoulder for a minute. Gross.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heavy Hand Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Keep it clean, people.
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TRUE Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:50 am
sorry…guess I won’t cuss at all
Blocking out curse worse or using astricks and bleeps and respelling it to not look a curseword is so obvious and silly
I’ll refrain from using them
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Cheekie Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Yeah, in general I’m with you True that cuss words with asterisks is bogus since you know what they’re saying anyway and are thinking of the actual word when you read it, but I think blog owners do this so that their blogs can get past work filters. Most of the blog reading is obviously done while folks are at work (Shh!), and while I don’t personally have a work filter a lot of people do and that can be a hinderance to the blog.
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TRUE Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Cheekie..Yeah ..I feel that…thats why I decided to respect it. Thanks
True
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Oooh, I remember this one. I love this one. Much luck on the finals, Tiff!
I don’t remember if I commented on the other one but that doesn’t matter, today is a new day:
“1. Keith Sweat type begging”
- Cosign. There’s a reason Keith Sweat is played out. Ain’t too proud to beg? You should be.
“2. Being corny”
- Yeah, I’ve had enough corn while living in DeKalb, IL. I don’t need no more. Look like Denzel, but have Carlton voice? Minus 10 points.
“3. Bug-a-Boo status and possessive tendencies”
- I love how a ninja asks me why I’m single and I say, “Well, the positive is that I can do my own thang” and then when we proceed to dating he blows up my phone wondering where I am. Mofo, are you trying to die?
“4. Poor Grooming”
- Yup, it’s kinda sexy to have a “dirty boy”, but it’ll be the Sahara down there if you’re a “foul boy”. I don’t want to have to report you to an environmental agency for excessive pollution.
“5. If its clear you are going to hit and quit”
- Boy, BYE. Ease on down the road, my friend.
“6. Excessive sexual talk”
- My mantra is, anything in excess is bad. It ain’t sexy anymore if there’s no break from it. You don’t have anything to compare it to. It’s like, you don’t know bad if you don’t know good, ya know? So, if everything outta your mouth is Skinamax, then it kinda makes me wanna tune into the Disney Channel.
“7. Your size.”
- I knew there was a reason I always hated Vienna Sausages.
“8. Boo, where is your manliness?”
- LMAO, there’s a David Sedaris quip in one of his essays that says people can (and I’m sorta paraphrasing) “turn up their nose at the president, Coke or even God, but there’s something to be said about boys who don’t like sports”.
“9. Too much Cushion for the pushin’”
- Yeah, if you can’t even move around, then move over there.
My addition:
10. No sense of humor. Yes, sense of humor turns me on. If you can’t take a joke or tell one, you’re the joke.
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TRUE Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:52 am
yes at your number ten..nothing like sittin with a guy on a date and he giving you the blankstare
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Morning breath: Morning sex is my favorite, just don’t kiss me, it’s toxic.
Talking to another chick on the phone in my presence: Find that ignore button or kill yourself, it’s really simple.
A dirty neck/crusty belly button: Really? …Really? Scrub yourself with a rock, please.
Long/dirty fingernails: You just ruined 37.7% of the experience, fingers are crucial in the process.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 11:42 am
“Morning breath: Morning sex is my favorite, just don’t kiss me, it’s toxic.”
lol. You know what, there’s a way to breathe to avoid the inhalation of death. It’s all about timing and positioning. I’m okay with the morning kisses, as long as he has the morning breath kissing strategy on point.lol
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Anna Nimous Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Oh this is too funny. There is a magic hour in the morning when the SO’s breath could be a level 10 biological threat. For some reason, even if he doesn’t brush right away, it disappears a little while after he’s awake. But if I’m sleeping against his chest it will wake me up.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
LMAO @ level 10 bio threat
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
May 1st, 2009 at 10:38 pm
“But if I’m sleeping against his chest it will wake me up.”
This mental picture is simply HILarious. Face all twisted up cuz his breath woke you from slumber…
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Don’t forget telling me how you gon “tear me up” or “make me climb the walls”
Thats a turn off….not to mention corny..
*thinks back to coming to america when arsenio played the woman and said “im going to tear you apart, and your little friend too” *
lol
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morning breath exists because the person dont take care of their mouth. No flossing, no cleanings and mess
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Smelly ummm….private parts
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You can already guess my #10: Being Intellectually Challenged.
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Feeling on any part of my body waaaaaaaaaaay before I give you the ok to
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My number ten is marrying us off when we are not even dating. Yes, I have had guys do this to me. A guy that I’ve never been on a date with heard me coming up the stairs (keep in mind he couldn’t see me but, somehow knew it was me) and says, “Is that my future wife coming up the stairs?” WHAT?! Negro please you no mustache havin’…
Then there was this other guy who I’m also not dating, who got upset with me for not wanting to move to his neighborhood. Like really? We’re not together so I don’t owe you ish. Guys think think that because I’m “wifey material” that means I want to marry them. They need to think again.
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LoudPen,
They say that fake marriage stuff (yes its fake they dont mean it) cause most women want to be married. Alot of women fall for that mess thinking “wow he must really like me to bring up marriage”
Its crap to get in your pants….
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Good job with this one, Tiff. It deserved a replay.
10) The Awkward Touch – you look good, you smell good, you sound good…but you feel (me up) awful! Get away from me with any touch/moves that will remind me of the 8th grade.
11) Thrusting your tongue in my mouth. Especially if we’re on our first date and just pulled into the parking lot at TGI Fridays. No wind up, no eye gazing or hand holding or warning at all. That’s why I left you there, clown.
*blink* *blink*
ooooh-kaaaay. I’m back people.
12) Assuming I’m gonna give you some, and letting me know that. You have to TRICK me into some sluticious mess like that! The bird isn’t in your hand yet, my friend (no McCain).
That’s all I have for now.
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Great post!!
Being corny, poorly groomed, and overly sexual definitely turn me off.
I’ll add cockiness to the list as well, so not sexy.
One time I made the mistake of going out on a date with a guy I found out was weird, corny, and cocky all at the same time.
1. He showed up with faded, tattered black jeans and busted sneakers. It was the first date and he did not even attempt to make a good impression.
2. Somehow he did not have a fork with his place settings and needed one, but was too afraid to ask for one. However, when I tried to do it form him stopped me. After 30 minutes of watching him stab his chicken with a knife, I asked a waiter for knife for him. What a punk!
3. After we left and we were in the car (he didn’t have one). He said “oh something is on your lips.” I said “oh, really”, confused b/c I had checked my face in the mirror earlier, but I checked again. As I checked my face, this fool proceeded to sneak a kiss and giggled. Ughh! So gross and juvenile.
4. Then as I was driving another car cut me off and I almost hit the car, and he said, ” I hope I’m not making you nervous.” What?! This fool thought I was thrown off b/c of I was so into him. He must have been delusional.
5. Then he started talking about how he does Japanese martial arts to help him with sex, and all this other weird sexual stuff.
I was sooo done after that horrible date.
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CHeeKZ McJuvenile Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Soooo…. are we going out on a second date?
I got new sneakers
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Remi Reply:
April 30th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
LOL, of course.
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Love the post!
But I know if nothing else pisses me off more that 1-9, it’s:
10. Plain Ole’ Bad Sex: I mean, I’ll even subject myself to decent sex at times, depending on what I’m goin through at the moment. But bad sex? Why are you 20+ years old, and bad at this? Why don’t you know what to do or even be able to get in the VICINITY of doing it? And why are you asking me so many questions of guidance? Don’t get me wrong; I’ll even deal with sex that doesn’t last that long, as long as those 5-6 pumps had ya name on ‘em! Bad sex also comes in the form of too much: talking, sweating, grunting, movement, silence, etc.
And then have the NERVE to ask me afterwards to tell you how you were? I’m so through. And so are we.
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