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Actions vs. Words
Between here and my writings over at the Single Black Male website, there’s been a lot of talk about verbal and non-verbal communication when it comes to interaction between the sexes. I’ve let today’s topic go unwritten for a little while. But as people keep throwing a certain phrase around, I’ve felt more and more compelled to finally put this post together. It actually took me a couple of days to figure out how I wanted to approach this because there are so many directions I could have went. What’s the phrase that I’m alluding to that has inspired today’s great topic of discussion? That’s an easy question to answer…or is it?
Actions speak louder than words.
I have tremendous disdain for this phrase. It’s one of those sayings that nearly everyone holds to be true, but I find myself cringing in disagreement with it’s applicability more times than not. The examples for me personally are infinite. Here’s one of the most common scenarios for the masses:
Manly Man: Baby, I love you. (in a deep voice)
Girlie Girl: You don’t love me. If you loved me, you’d do x,y, and z.
Manly Man: So you sayin’ my words don’t mean anything?
Girlie Girl: I’m sayin that actions speak louder than words.
Manly Man goes to Kay Jeweler to “express himself”
But seriously though, how many times have you been on the giving or receiving end (pause) of that one? Here’s another classic used by greezy men:
Jebediah: You know I love you right?
Helganessa: Yeah boo. I know.
Jebediah: Then why you makin me wear condoms still?
Helganessa: You’re right. Raw it is baby. Raw it is.
Jebediah is impressed with his ability to okie doke Helganessa and proceeds to go in bare.
(Yes. That does happen. Greeze is ubiquitous¹.)
Let’s take this post out of the relationship spectrum and apply it to…ehhh, let’s say politics? This is probably one of the few areas where I completely agree with its usage. Don’t preach one message to get the votes, then do something completely different when you win the office you coveted. Speaking of preaching, Church and sermons are another area where I think this holds true. Don’t speak to me on how to live my life morally when you got side slides exorcising the demons from your special place. **fights the urge to go into a Slim Jacksonesque rant**
It is incredibly easy for someone to do one thing just for the sake of doing it, while holding a completely different belief in their head that is probably vocalized to others. Let’s take the example of the Down Low Brotha. He goes home to wifey and takes the necessary actions to show that he “loves” her and is still the heterosexual man that she married or started dating. And we all know what this person is doing when they say they’re at their pool or poker game, so the rest should go without saying. So much for actions…
If you’ve ever acted excited about something you thought was a dumb idea just to get the person to go away or leave you alone, then you’ve proved my point. One could argue “I take interest in what my friends/boo take interest in.” That’s nice, but your actions aren’t telling the story of how you really feel and you’re probably sharing the truth with someone other than the person that matters. And how about the people who say what they mean, but don’t know how to display the actions that one would typically expect? Some people have a deep fear of being taken advantage of and mitigate their actions in an effort to protect themselves.
Lastly, I believe that saying certain words and taking action can be one and the same. It’s all relative to the situation and the person. I think we’ve all taken false actions or used other creative methods to hide how we truly feel or to further a self interest. I also think some people just can’t be satisfied no matter what you do or say to them.
So with all that said, what does everybody else think of the phrase “Actions speak louder than words”? Is it as true as most believe? Is there anybody crazy enough to cosign on this post? Let’s talk about this phrase in whatever context humors you.
My Words Speak Loud and Clear,
¹ubiquitous- Dictionary.com word of the day that I’ve been looking to use for a few weeks now. It’s everywhere and no where.
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I still believe that actions speak louder than words is true and I still use it to make sense out of a lot of situations. For me this phrase just doesn’t apply to large infrequent gestures, but it applies to the small details. For example, any guys that says baby I love you and buys you a really expensive necklace, but on the day to day doesn’t talk to you or want to spend time with you, maybe doesn’t really love you like how he says he does. Whenever I use it I think about the smaller unconscious actions to justify how someone may really feel.
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“Don’t speak to me on how to live my life morally when you got side slides exorcising the demons from your special place. ”
LMAO!!!! Brilliant.
I believe words speak louder than actions, in some situations. Example:
Man: You know I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.
Woman: Cool, me neither.
****after several weeks of suc&ing and f*c*ing, holding hands and frolicking in a field full of daisies, woman find out man has been seeing another chick also)
Woman: What is going on? I thought we were exclusive, u got me doing all this wifey type stuff.
Man: What would give you that idea?
Woman: All of our extracurricular activities, you introducing me to friends as your girl, us spending all this time together.
Man: But I told u in the begining that I wasn’t looking for anything serious.
****womp womp wahhhhhh*
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Cheekie Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 8:37 am
LMAO @ Nicki! I love the womp womp wahhh at the end. I’m imagining that after the man says the last line, the girl turns to the TV screen (at the audience) and shrugs like some mock TV Land 50s show. Cracking up too early this morning!!
Seriously, though, good point. Things that make you go hmm.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Brash Cocky aka Bigg $exxxy Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:30 am
That script looks suspect. I dont know any sane man that would introduce a f*ck associate as his girl. It’s possible, but you might have to take that one back to production for a re-write.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
It’s happened to me, sweetie. That bastard introduced me to everyone as his girl. LOL.. But we’d never had a talk where it was made official. Imagine my surprise when I found out, he prolly meant his homegirl or something like that.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
LMAO @ the shrug!
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RightCoastLexSteele, Brash Cocky aka Bigg $exxxy Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I stand corrected.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 11:54 am
But it seems like it depends on who is interpreting the actions and words. One doesn’t always override the other, hence the confusion. It seems like despite his words, his actions said otherwise to you. And I don’t think it was too wrong for you do feel the way you did…been there too girl.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Thanks girl. That jerk got kicked out the window a minute ago. I hate confusion.
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WithRainbowSprinkles Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Totally agree with aforementioned scenario…been there, done that, got the t-shirt…if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, don’t think that his 25 txt msgs a day and sleeping in his bed every night are gonna change what he said…he said it, he meant it
On a separate note–> Greeze is ubiquitous.
I love it. It is true. This will be my new catch phrase.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
OMG! Where hast thou been??? We have missed you so…
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I think both actions and words can mean a lot or they can both be a bunch of bullish. I am more inclined to believe someone’s actions than their words just because I feel that people often just say what they think you want to hear in order to keep you satisfied (or to pacify you). The most important thing is to be aware and check to see if someone’s actions MATCH their words. If they don’t then you may have a problem on your hands.
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jolie fatale Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:15 am
I have to cosign..
A lot of times people will act and say the things you want to hear in order to get what they want.
Example:
Women who act like they can cook and clean so that men think they are wifey material. I have been guilty of helping these people. I have friends who can not cook but they know I can. So I have been paid a small sum to cook full meals for them including dessert for their dinner date with a man so that when he comes they think she is little susie homemaker when in reality she just had me do it all. including setting the table.. helping them straighten up..
This is actually my next business venture …
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Tam Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:26 am
That sounds like a good business venture. This brings up a whole other issue of people frontin’ to get what they want. Honesty is the best policy. I let my husband know while we were still dating that I can and will cook but I’m not so good in the organization department so he’d have to be able to deal with that if he wanted to be with me. What is this woman going to do as the relationship progresses and he finds out she really can’t cook?
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jolie fatale Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:41 am
@tam: well i’ve also been giving cooking lessons. Do you know the amount of grown arse women who dont know how to cook rice without a rice cooker. One even asked me how does she saute veggies.. I was like are you serious?! I should slap their mothers.. but I wont.. I’ll just take the payment: cash or credit.. checks not accepted.. lol
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:40 am
I agree, that sounds like a great business venture.
Thing is, what are these women gonna do if it starts getting serious with these men, or marriage level? They aren’t gonna be able to keep calling you for that.
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Just A Thought Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Oh please! All the homegirls I know that are married can NOT cook. Why did I learn? I should have just been a prissy girl who wouldn’t get my hands dirty with all that cooking stuff.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Brash Cocky aka Bigg $exxxy Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 10:21 am
What di rassfire? Conspiracy to deceive? Tsk tsk tsk…
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 11:58 am
I can’t support this though…smh. Thats like a dude giving the impression that he can beat up the box, and then…womp womp, I’m left all annoyed.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Brash Cocky aka Bigg $exxxy Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Wet and cold…no bueno…
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I am definitely one that believes this phrase to the fullest. Especially in relationships because it is so easy for someone to say “I love you so much,” and the cheat on you, or lie to you, or treat you bad. I’ve had arguments with men that you can still “love your girl,” and f*&# another on the side…I will not get into that here.
Your example of buying jewelery to show love shouldn’t be a suitable action to most women (except maybe the gold digger kind). My ex did buy me jewelery and I was disappointed because it took no thought and it is one of those things (like buying flowers) that men think is the 100% guarantee quick fix. It isn’t. Showing how much you love someone isn’t how expensive of a gift you can find. It can be the guy who will fix your car because you’re too broke to get it done, or the guy who will bring you soup when you’re sick even though he had an important game to watch. Essentially it’s the little subconscious things that to me are the “actions” that show love.
To answer “And how about the people who say what they mean, but don’t know how to display the actions that one would typically expect? ”
That’s what I mean by my above subconscious things, he may not know how to pull off some romantic dinner date to show his love but I bet he does the little things like get up extra early to shovel her driveway after a snowstorm.
I apologize for always using he, I do realize it goes both ways.
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I think actions need to match words, and actions are a big indicator of how a person truly feels. Now, just because a person completes an action that is supposed to have certain meaning (flowers, roses, etc.), does not mean that person is authentic. It’s all about a cumulative evalutation of what they say and what they do.
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I think when the motives and words are true and coincide, thats when the actions speak louder!!!!
like someone said both words and action can be bullshit when whats behind them isn’t true and/or coming from the right place
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Well, now, Slim you done offered some complex examples to counter a worn-out cliche. It shows that everyone can’t be explained away using a popular proverb. I loves it.
Anyhow, I co-sign those that say that what matters is that the words and actions are consistent with each other. The saying was born because in most situations people just said ish just to appease their mate, but did something else. It’s so much easier to just throw some bull out there, but it’s much more difficult to actually own up to it. So, while the cliche reeks of everything people hate about cliches (it’s overused, and mostly in inaccurate situations), it does hold a lot of truth.
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I must applaud this young man, because in recent posts, both here and at SBM, you been spitting that hot fiyah like “Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, & Dylan”. I aint gonna read ya comments b/c i’m a lazy bastard and i hate reading but I’m gonna say that this phrase can be added to the list with swag, swagger, swaggalicious, donk and the whole other list of words we mentioned last week.
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In my current 14 month situation I have to apply both… we are in agreement that we are not in a relationship (that was stated 4months in) however, we act like were engaged and ish (people who are observing). Our actions speak louder than our words but also our words are never taken out of context.
It’s hard to explain to people but I think it’s mostly that he would love to be in a relationship with me and I him, but he’s an entrepreneur and starting a business that doesn’t currently exist in the marketplace is no joke. When he has time it’s all me every few days or so. But it’s confusing and I think from other examples, that is where the miscommunication begins. You tell me this but then you do that, and that action usually occurs in an exclusive relationship. You’re giving mixed signals. Like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
I think we all just need to find people that understand our communication. We all communicate and interpret differently. Finding someone that is sane enough to understand is hard but isn’t that what the dating scene is for? If she/he isn’t listening, keep it moving no matter what attraction or rise you get from them. Communication is key in any relationship, if they can’t communicate effectively then let them go.
I’m rambling… that is all.
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Folks have presented some pretty good examples so far. I’m actually mad I didn’t think of some of them.lol.
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I’ll just say this: Love is in the detail.
Meaningless actions are just as pointless as generic, meaningless, “let me tell you this just to appease you” words. Most times, it’s the simple things that make the difference. Actions only speak louder than words when the other person can hear them clearly.
Please read Gary Chapman’s, Five Love Languages for Singles.Reply
Interesting thoughts, Slim. Here’s my take:
Some of what you described as “actions” could be better described as “the Show”. Actions are what you do on your own – the “Show” is what you want others to see you doing.
Take your DL brother ex. What that man does with his wife at home is the “Show”. What he does with other men is him “in action”.
Oftentimes, the meaning of “actions” in the cliche are more time consumptive than someone realizes. Which is why some folks can’t get past putting on the “Show” more than once or twice. Ex.: Jim tells Jane that he loves her and wants to commit, but he frequently stays gone hanging with “friends” in the evenings. Jane confronts Jim about it, and he agrees to change his ways. The “Show” Jim has no problem cooling it for a few weeks or days, but won’t be able to make a permanent change. You can’t fake your actions for too long.
Maybe the cliche just needs an adendum:
Actions speak louder than words, and last longer than the “Show”.
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Just A Thought Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
The Show… I love it.
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Late, I know…
What trumps the whole argument of whether actions speak louder than words or vice versa is the lie/liar. A lie is a lie, is a lie, is a lie. Whether it’s by omission, by exaggeration, by deception, or by oral or physical/emotional manifestations, lies and liars render you unable to trust anyone’s words or deeds.
That being said, I think we’re all right about this when we consider personality traits and communication styles. I’m very verbal; I do not have a problem expressing myself through thoughts and feelings. My word is my bond, and I wear my feelings on my sleeves. I gave up lying about my feelings long ago, because no matter how hard I try, I cannot hide my disappointment, anger, disgust, extreme elation, pain, etc.; it shows on my face and in my demeanor. I try, therefore, to do what is ideal – have congruence between my words and my deeds.
Ideally, your actions should reflect your thoughts and your words. Trust and credibility develops when I can trust you to say what you really mean and to do what you say you’re going to do. Reliability develops when there is consistency in the congruence of your words and actions.
I’m of the persuasion though, in the absence of the ideal, that actions DO speak louder than words. There’s an expression here in the South, “I can show ya betta than I can tell ya.” That expression applies to some good lovin’ OR a necessary throat cuttin’… The deed solidifies the word.
So… In thinking about this – check out some quotes I’ve found on the ‘Net that I really dig on this topic:
“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” ~Alfred Adler
“A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain.” ~Arabian Proverb
“I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts.” ~John Locke
“The first step binds one to the second.” ~French Proverb
“When deeds speak, words are nothing.” ~African Proverb
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
To use another expression…”better late than never”
Great comment! I’m actually copying and pasting those proverbs.
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I think a person’s actions should back their words. For example, if a man wants to be in an exclusive relationship–he’ll verbalize it and his actions will show it. I will not be playing a guessing game wondering how he feels. Women (and men) get their feelings hurt when they assume stuff.
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Wah! I’ve been neglecting my 3ways fam…I hate work, oh yes I do! I also hate busy hallways and conversations that take place right outside my cubicle..”HELLO…need to blog!!! Get out of my area meng”
Anywho…I so love this topic and I really enjoyed reading everyone’s examples and experiences.
In terms of verbal and non-verbal communication in relationships I have started to ask more questions, get the clarification that I am entitled to,observe the behavior of the person, and take it one day at a time.
I believe that actions speak louder than words.
I dont have any clever stories, quotes or examples so instead I have taken notes.
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“Demonstration is better than Conversation”
-My man Lefty from Linden Projects in East New York , Brooklyn, circa The 90′s
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Back on the Scene, its PEYSO Reply:
March 20th, 2009 at 9:10 am
What you know about the east?
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