Addendum to the Man Laws
Here ye! Here ye!
When a male hits 13 years old, hair suddenly appears, his genitals take over his already horrible decision making skills and the Man Laws are passed down to him from the proverbial mountain top. It’s like The Matrix, they’re uploaded to your brain and now you know how to fly a helicopter. Or how to find porn. The Man Laws are an unspoken, albeit very public, set of rules that let men know how to act in certain situations. They’re perfected over the years and it’s expected that by the time of 21 – 25 that you’ve begun to master the essentials.
For example, cockblocking. We cannot tell you exactly where it lies on the Man Laws due to our Man Law vows, but it does live in the top five. True blasphemy. There are a lot of folks who are all about keeping “their” woman in the pocket and away from the sack, no matter what the cost. They know the rules they are breaking and yet they continue to do so. For shame. There are also countless other entries, like our version of sainthood (The Wingman) and other dos and don’ts. But today my friends, it’s the passages that aren’t included in the other good book that we would like to address.
Proposed Addendum – The Every Other Rule, Extended (Pause)
Everyone one, including women, knows the original rule. If there are an odd number of urinals, you go every other one. If there is only a middle spot left and you aren’t on the verge of wetting your pants like a six year old that’s had way too much Hi-C, you wait. I’ve even known some men to hold so steadfast to the rules that they’d rather piss on the wall or other inconspicuous places. It would only be fitting that this rule applies to the stalls as well, but it seems that some of our fellow guys haven’t made the connection. I’ve prepared a little presentation, please see the diagram below for reference…
I therefore propose the following…
If there are other stalls open in the bathroom, a man shalt in no way sit next to another man for sake of comfort on both parts.
*** The exception to this rule is if you or some else is using the handicapped stall. In which case it is permitted to use the stall next to another dude. Because there is more than enough space within a handicapped stall. If the person in the handicapped stall is to verbally object to the next man’s choice of stall, he shalt be known as a Selfish Ass Clown.
Proposed Addendum- Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop.
I am not talking Pringles. This addendum to man law is intended to be noted and acknowledged by members of the opposite sex when it comes to…well…sex and/or other related actions. Do not engage in any activities with a man that have a high probability of inducing penile rigidity with no intent of making it return to its original flaccid state through pleasurable means. More simply stated:
Don’t start some ish that you don’t plan to finish.
Blue Balls is not a myth. It’s a painful reality. If you have started engaging in activities with a male, and the session ends with him saying “You goin leave me here like this?”, you have induced Blue Balls. This is not only unpleasant and undesirable. It is unacceptable and/or selfish. It will be noted in your Man file and distributed to other men that may have an interest in your assets and stocks. To end up on the Blue Ball list is to be blacklisted. If you have induced penile rigidity though reasonable activities* with a man, you must ensure that said male is flaccid or asleep before you leave/go to sleep. Those who attempt to leave before rectifying the erection are subject to profanities, rumors, and slander via juicycampus.com or a photo-shopped picture posted on a popular networking website.
*Reasonable activities include but are not limited to making out, spoon grinding, fork grinding, piece grabbing, and sexually intense flirtation/references (i.e. I bet I could make your toes look like a fruit roll-up.”)
We propose these rules to you my friends. What say you?
Seattle – I Just Want Some Man Space – Washington
&
Slim – You’re Going to Leave Me Like This? – Jackson
29 Responses to “Addendum to the Man Laws”
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I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Ever.
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Hmm…
It’s a two way street. If you leave/finish/roll over and fall asleep/play X-Box/watch Family Guy/get in the shower/leave for work before I get mine, please believe that I will tell all my friends and some of yours. That’s a wack addendum to propose because if we’re rustling the sheets in complete darkness and all of a sudden some light beams through the blinds allowing me to catch a glimpse of your piece which looks horribly smaller than it felt through your shorts–we got problems. I’m not about to waste a number on you, please pack up shop and relocate because I’m mad you tried to pull a magic trick out of your pants. Blue balls, purple, pink whatever, if you had to walk it off it probably wasn’t that BIG of a deal.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Is this assuming that he blasted off prior to your sensual eruption or that he just went soft in the heat of the night?
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Southern Belle Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 11:56 am
This is assuming that he opened his flood gate while I was just overcoming the drought. If he goes soft before we finish: ahahahahaha, I’m about to make every smart ass comment I can think of with all my stored up energy and then…go tell all my friends and some of yours so I can at least say I enjoyed the experience.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 9:02 am
so true, so true Belle. It’s def a two way street, and I def won’t be mad to leave dude with BBs if he did not live up to expectations… and yes, I will tell my girlfriends about it, too!
PS- My bad for taking so long to get to the new page… but I’m here!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Don’t worry about it. In some cases, it is the thought that counts.
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Southern Belle Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 12:05 pm
V, tell me that this sex addendum, when it backfires, is not one of the greatest conversation pieces amongst women?
Gentlemen, the stroke may be good, nay, the stroke may be great, however it’s kind of like women’s faces–it’s probably not as great as you think it is.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
My man McFly alluded to it, but I’ll just say it – those problems sound personal my good friend. We’re talking about the greater good here Belle. It sounds like you know the frustrations associated with a lackluster performance. Odds are most women do. So why subject an innocent bystander to such torture? Who do we look like, John McCain?
You’re practicing to be on the squad. If you’re talking more junk that Muhammad Ali and then can’t even climb into the ring, you may not get another shot at the champ. However, everyone’s got their off nights. Even Jordan didn’t do a double double every night. So if the superstar comes back and scores 63 against a rival, then they just earned back their MVP status.
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Southern Belle Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Ughh, really hoping Tiff comes through with a counter post.
We need some Female Addendum’s to be laid down in this testosterone driven coffee shop.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Furthermore, if you’re faking the funk with the moans and groans (that includes dudes. yes, we do it too ladies); no one’s going to learn anything.
Each one, teach one!
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LMFAO!
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The first one, I already though that was man law. It’s already practiced, I thought it was de facto.
All I got to say about that second one is that a cold shower is a bitch.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
You’d be surprised my dude. I’m about to hang up that diagram in the bathroom around here.
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As a firm believer, user, and designer of man law I must agree with these rules. If it weren’t for man law there would be anarchy and all types of “No Homo” type things going on all over.
Southern Belle, I understand your anger at these kinds of situations. I would tell you to do a better job inspecting before going in for the kill. You can still poke fun but there won’t be blue balls.
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I have a question, does this man law also apply to urinals where this is a divider between them?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
I’d have to say that if there is a divider, I believe it is fine. There is enough Man Space and privacy allowed for both parties. However, I will need to check with the Council.
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The New and Improved RightCoastLexSteele Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
HELL NO a divider aint fine! Whilst a divider might prevent a free peek at my jewels, it does not prevent the urge for the dumbass next to you to engage you in conversation, which quite frankly is more disturbing than having my junk viewed without permission.
At this time I’d like to mention another man law which is violated constantly and sometimes goes unchecked:
“When competing with a rival male to become the object of a female’s affection, it is unlawful to make negative statements about your rival in order to gain ground on your rival.”
If you’re trying to bag a shorty whilst someone else is, stick your game bro. Throwing shots at the throne and gossiping like a middle school teenager is highly unacceptable and is not only a violation of man law, but ni99a law as well. The difference? Well:
Man Law=State/Local jurisdiction
Ni99a Law=Federal Jurisdiction
And you know the Feds dont play. RICO anyone?
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“There are also countless other entries, like our version of sainthood (The Wingman)”
This made my day i swear…
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Good job on the new layout also.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 29th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Thank you sir. Please stay tuned!
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Salutations,
The Man Laws stated above are by far the most common but yet have been the most violated Man Laws to-date. I applaud these gentlemen for their valor and integrity in providing those not built with ‘common-sense’ with some very candid explanations.
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“I’ve even known some men to hold so steadfast to the rules that they’d rather piss on the wall or other inconspicuous places. It would only be fitting that this rule applies to the stalls as well, but it seems that some of our fellow guys haven’t made the connection.”
What’s really up with “The Every Other Rule”? Along with the overuse and abuse of such phrases as “No Homo”; are some guys really that insecure in their masculinity that they have to consistently prove their “non-homoness”? I mean is it really that big of a deal to use the next urinal or stall if the bathroom is filled to compacity or even if it’s not? What’s wrong with urinating next to your good friend, some acquaintance, or some stranger you’ll likely never see again? Have fun with it! Play pee games! See who could shoot the farthest or go the longest! The Pissing Olympics! After all, it’s not “gay or homo” to compete. The manliest of men love to compete! I mean seriously. C’mon. So what if someone hints to the fact that you did something that is considered “gay”? If you are really secure in your manhood, just laugh it off and go do something “manly” like rip out your chest hairs or something.
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Peyso Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:03 am
it really aint that serious but its just funny to act like it is
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:06 am
“See who could shoot the farthest or go the longest!”
That’s definitely a Pause and No Homo. Sooo many innuendos in that one.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Ahh my good friend, it’s less about homophobia and more about the fact that using the bathroom is a monumentous occasion for a man. You ever notice that when your dad came home from work, he used the bathroom before anything else? It’s part releasing toxins and part releasing stress. Women have pilates and yoga, we’ve got the porcelain god. Using the bathroom is a solo spiritual experience. Y’know how many great ideas were formed by men while they were on the toilet?! And no, this behavior doesn’t change if I’m in a public bathroom. I really don’t want to have a conversation while I’m using the bathroom. I don’t know many men who do. All I want is some Man Space dammit. We can continue the conversation about the chick with those lovely … eyes, when we get back to the bar.
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By the way, this new set-up is HAWT! Esp love the text editor!
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It’s against woman law to be in accordance with man laws that dictate the behavior of women.
We won’t make or amend woman laws that mandate acceptable behavior for men.
It’s a ‘man law’- we by virtue of our reproductive anatomy are not liable for any damages caused by the breaking of said ‘man’ law– including but not limited to hypoxic testicles.
Keep your head up.
Good day.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 20th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
This really made me laugh heartily.
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