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Are You Ready for Love?
Miss Jenkins’ note: I originally posted this over on Loud Pen’s spot. And since I am in the midst of academic hell, I figured I’d share the goodness with you all. Enjoy and share your thoughts!
When I first heard “Ready for Love” by India.Arie, I was 17, in college and experiencing what I thought was the worse pain ever. My first (yes, that kind of first) had just played me like a fiddle. Q and I met right before I started college. We went on a few dates before I left for school. He liked me, so of course I was uber excited. Before him, dudes never really seemed that interested in me. He talked about how pretty I was, told me how badly he wanted to see me, and how much he wanted to be with me. Anyway, a few months went by and Q finally took the long bus ride up to see me. *does a little dance*
I was so hyped. “Yeah, he really cares about me. He wants to be with me.” (Whatever the hell that means at 17.) Before he came up and once he got there, I made it clear that sex was not an option; I was proudly carrying my V card. By the end of the second night, my card had been revoked. He spit that game, and I got got. Surprise surprise. Once he left, that was basically the last I heard from him. I was devastated. I kept this song on heavy rotation. After thinking Q was really into me, I was so ready for love. I was ready to give my emotions to this 19 year-old boy who seemed to show that he was ready to love me too. Didn’t I deserve that?
As I look back on the experience, and listen to the song again almost 10 years later, I find myself laughing at my innocence and naiveté, but still asking the same question. Since then, I have been in and out of love twice. After my deal with Q, I was making a statement. Damn it I was ready for love; I was mad that it wasn’t ready for me. Now, I say it like “I am ready for love…right?” When I asked for love the first time, I didn’t know what I was in for. Now that I know about the joys and pains India sings about, sometimes I wonder if I am really ready for it again. Just like back then, it’s a great idea. Wanting to share your deepest fears and greatest pleasures (yeah, those kind too) with someone who feels the same way; the willingness to be “patient, kind, faithful, and true.” All that sounds great.
But India acknowledged something I think many people overlook: maturity. When you think about that word colloquially, you probably think, “I’m 20-something. Damn right I’m mature.” Are you really though? When I think about what the word means in the context of the song and my own experiences, maturity related to love starts within. Sure, on the outside, I look like I have things together, and a good loving relationship would be icing on my flyness cake. But I am really there yet? Am I emotionally capable of being all the things I want love to be for me?
I think a lot of people operate the way I did—waiting for love to show up on our own terms, but not doing anything to get ready for love when it shows up. To be ready for love, you have to have your emotional ish together. To appreciate the joys and pains of love in a relationship, you have to be willing and able to deal with your personal joys and pains. As we all get older and “mature,” we often bury or ignore our issues that usually serve as barriers to our own happiness. We spend so much time focusing on what he or she can offer us that we fail to look at what we aren’t even able to offer ourselves, let alone another person.
I say all that to say this: look at yourself first. Before we start blaming him, the broad he cheated with, the prison system, or white women for why “we” are single, start with yourself first. What are you, as one woman, doing to gain or block your own happiness, with or without a man in the picture?
If you ask me tomorrow, I’ll say the same thing,
38 Responses to “Are You Ready for Love?”
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great post sis…
it’s amazing how my new found eyes that motherhood has brought on changes my vision.
i once was in love with the idea of love. at 26, i’ve been engaged 4 times, married, and divorced. a lot right? talk about a mess…
not that these guys weren’t wonderful, but they weren’t wonderful for me and i just didn’t want to see it. why? when i was younger, my mom would always threaten me that i would end up alone like my aunt (who is absolutely crazy…) and because of this idea of being like her, i would jump in and out of these crazy relationships with needy men.
but now that i’m a mother, i’m actually perfectly content with life. if i never had another romantic relationship, another proposal or marriage, i would still be equally, if not more, excited about waking up and living my life.
i think that my revelation came during my pregnancy. i got a chance to really experience the truth of what it meant to be a woman. the power and greatness behind it is wonderful. i’m not going to settle for someone who does not deserve all that i am or jeopardize the bliss that i have now.
of course, not every woman’s revelation has to or even comes with pregnancy but i definitely encourage us to stop being so damn thirsty for a man to come and “put a ring on it” and really understand what self-love means…
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Great post! This is something that I’ve actually been contemplating myself for a while after my “relationship” ended. I think a lot of people, especially girls, want someone to be with for all the good that comes along with being in a relationship. E.g. non-guilty s*x, someone to call pooky on v-day, and someone to just be you with. However, they don’t take into account that no one is perfect. With all the love that someone may bring into your life, they will also bring in their own fair share of problems that you have to be willing to accept and make sure they don’t end up hindering you as a person. To experience the type of love that adds to your life takes a certain level of maturity that people may not possess, especially at a young age. People need to enjoy the awesomeness of being single and doing whatever you want to do until you’re truly ready to let someone else in.
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“He spit that game, and I got got. Surprise surprise. Once he left, that was basically the last I heard from him.”
This scenario scares me…
“But I am really there yet? Am I emotionally capable of being all the things I want love to be for me?”
I’m in my late 20′s and I can admit that I’m not truly ready for love. I’m still very selfish and knowing this, it’s why remain uninvolved/uncommitted. When I am really ready, I’ll let up on the “all about me”.
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After a left-right combo to the heart the first time from love (and that was after being uber protective of my heart from jump), I said, “Eff this bull, I’m not doing this again..the next one better be THE one.” I then asked God to prepare me for my husband (at 20 yrs old…smh). I was so convinced I found him, I even told him from jump, don’t waste my time if you ain’t in it to win it. What did I get? A 2 year long FAIL!!!
After that event (which coincided with college graduation, watching 2 friends marry and one of them prepare for divorce only 3 months later, loss of my grandmother, starting a job and moving out on my own) I decided I was gonna take
new dicklife as it came, not build any attachments and try not to let my cynicism about love take over. I did that for a while before someone refreshing came along…Although we’re less than a year into it, we’re having conversations AND making moves towards building a permanent future TOGETHER and he’s helping restore my confidence in true love…BUT I still hate entertaining the whole “When are you getting married question?” Why is that even appropriate? That’s like saying, “When are you losing weight?” to an overweight person…rude much?
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Great post! With today being my last bday b4 the big 30 I have been thinking about this so much lately. I am 7 years single this month and I realize I am finally ready for love.
I am ready to give my all to someone again but I have been fighting it for so long I honestly don’t know how to be open and vulnerable again. After the broken engagement I went from one extreme to the other. I turned into that female who ended every potential relationship before it even started to avoid getting my heart broken again. I can’t even tell you how many guys have told me I was a man-eater over the past several years and now that I want something different I can’t figure out how to stop being that.
I realize that finding love and being committed to someone is a process, not something that just happens. I have to give as mcuh time and effort to building a relationship as I did to school and work. So I have admitted what I really want and need and now I am working on making myself emotionally available. It is harder than I thought it would be because during the “doing me” phase I had truly convinced myself a man was nothing I needed. I thought that prince charming would appear and I would instantly be ready. Deconstructing the wall I built around my heart is proving to be much harder than it was to build and I pray that I didn’t end up sabotaging myself by being Miss Independent.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 8:00 am
I think a lot of women go through similar phases in their lives…I think the best thing is, like you’ve done, to look up and realize that being independent may serve its purpose for a while, but may not be the last emotional place you want to be in.
And yeah…tearing down that emotional wall is hard work. I’m in the process of breaking out my tool box…
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I don’t think I’m 100% ready yet, partially bc of age (I’ll be 23 in a few months), lack of experience, and law school. Law school gets in the way of thinking about things like love sometimes! Plus I’m still trying to prepare myself so that when he comes along, I’ll be ready to handle him!
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Great post. I love that song by the way. Am I ready for love? As a person who writes about love, I would say yes; however reality is nothing like fiction. In my ideal world, the man would not come with issues; he would overlook my issues, etc. Reality is the woman and man have to be on the same page–when it comes to relationships; both people’s priorities must be the same.
I’m always ready for it, but finding someone who is–now that’s been a little challenging. Yes, I’ve had to adjust my list that I’m sure a lot of women have or have had at one time. Some things I refuse to compromise on because experience has taught me, compromising on those things leads to a road of heartache and disappointment.
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I can definitely admit that I’m not ready for love. I felt I was after the 1st time. And definitely the second time. I even wrote about heartbreak (http://bit.ly/cnae8X) and that s–t happens… Like it’s really out there. But um, back to the main topic at hand. I got got twice. *suki shrug* I know I’m gonna get got again because I’m still young and there’s so much room for anything to happen. Love is scary. I don’t even think about it too often for fear that I’ll jinx it once it does come along. So I’m stuck with the “Whatever happens, happens.” kinda thinking. I can’t even front though. When it comes up in discussion, I cringe and sit on the edge of my seat to share my experiences and maybe even shed a few tears. I can’t go in on it now. It’s 9:17am.. too early to be
Carl Thomasemotional. So I’ll leave it at this: Miss Jenkins, wonderful post. My blog has to look like this one day. Fruitful, popping and informative. I’m working on it. ^_^ Keep up the good work.Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 10:01 am
Thanks boo!
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Am I ready for love? Been there, done there, thought I would die from the pain of love loss.
Fastforward 6 years of “doing me”, dating, 2 failed quickrelationships, and I am just now breaking down the walls around my heart and learing to not be afraid of being vulnerable. It’s a work in progress, but with each man I date, it gets easier to be open and honest with him and myself. So, I don’t expect to get married until I’m somewhere around 35, and I’m ok with that. I have to take care of myself first before I can truly receive love and honestly give love to the man out there for me.
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I came over here because I typically disagree with your posts and it’s Monday and I wanted to vent. And you let me down.
I agree wholeheartedly.
Great post.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:52 am
Thanks…? LOL.
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“Anyway, a few months went by and Q finally took the long bus ride up to see me……By the end of the second night, my card had been revoked. He spit that game, and I got got.”
Did you pay for his bus ticket for him to come see you? B/c as long as you guys didn’t split the cost, you win.
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Peyso Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:52 am
Too soon?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:53 am
LOL. I didn’t pay for it. Plus I used the meal plan in the dining halls, so no money spent. But still something was lost. *cue feigned sadness and fake sentimental moment*
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 11:01 am
Doesn’t that grow back after two years of none use?
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Can you be ready one day and not the next? Can you be ready one week and not the next? What to do when you find “THE ONE” but you’re not ready? That must suck….
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I commented on the original posting; but I’ll say again: very good post. I am ready for love (and in it), but my idea of what love is and means has changed as I’ve gotten older, but it definitely involves being vulnerable and taking risks.
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Great post, Miss J.
I thought I was read for love when I first finished grad school a year ago after a 2 year sabbatical from it, but the more I dated, crushed, and got bored out of my mind, the more I realized God was telling me “Chea right.” I’m in no place to give or receive love right now or anytime soon. I’m selfish, I love my personal space and time too much, and I have a lot of goals to accomplish that don’t yet include hubs and babies.
I think if we were all more honest with ourselves about who and where we are, and what we want in a relationship, more people would come to a similar realization, and wouldn’t find themelves settling for a less than desirable situation.
The important thing is just not to completely shut ourselves off until we some anvil lands on our heads with a sign that says “Ok, you can date now.” Keeping an open mind and heart, realizing it can come when you least expect it, and believing that God will prepare you for whatever He brings your way is how you can truly be ready for love.
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Great post Miss Jenkins.
I’m glad you asked yourself that question because a lot of people (not just women) don’t. They’re just like a dog chasing after a car – they pine after it, they chase after it and then when they finally catch it, they don’t know what to do.
By the way, I hate India.Arie’s music like I hate “Waiting to Exhale”, most Tyler Perry films and soggy cereal.
That is all.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:26 pm
How do you feel about Poetry? Like that black slam poetry, “I am .. The Sun. He.. IS..my .. Rocket” kinda of stuff?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 6:35 pm
Not a fan.
Btw, congrats on making it to the Sweet 16! I say that like you were on the floor dropping buckets, but you know what I mean. You partying in Cuse on Thurs?
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lawchick12 Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Jeez, Seattle is there any worse way to indicate you hate something than to put it in a sentence with Tyler Perry?!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 5:13 pm
You don’t know how much I hate soggy cereal. Tyler Perry movies are a distant second.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 12:35 pm
India is not as bad as Tyler Perry!! Ready for Love is one of those songs that makes me happy, angry, and hopeful all at the same time. Viva la India!! LOL!
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The Anaconda Jones Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:34 pm
Ditto
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Thank you. okbye
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Dear Mrs. Jenkins,
Sorry for your bad experience. I wonder can anyone TRULY be ready for love? Sometimes it takes the love of another to help you truly love yourself. Some people who love themselves are terrible partners.
Here’s another quick question, is it that you wasn’t prepared for love or that you wasn’t prepared to have a sexual relationship that didn’t lead to love?
I think maybe sometimes people put love and sex on the same standing, and that’s where the trouble begins …. What do you think?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
March 22nd, 2010 at 3:28 pm
In hindsight I wasn’t really ready for sex or love. Then and now, sex and love don’t go on the same step, though having the latter can make the former much better (if he knows what he’s doing).
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Miss Jenkins, come Friday you’re getting a big fat eff you for getting that song stuck in my head. Just warning you.
But I love this post. I know that after a looong relationship with a man who had us both thinking he was the centre and object of all existence, I’m definitely not ready for love. I need a whole lotta max time before I can really be invested in anyone else. So I’m keeping it light.
Unfortunately, as another commenter said, a lot of people don’t wait until they’re ready to sweat love. Then they think they find it and don’t know what to do with it.
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Great post! And great question!
I consider myself a very self-aware individual, which I believe many are lacking. I have spent a lot of my life voluntarily single for the most part. I first thought I would be ready for love (more so a boyfriend) once I graduated high school and went away to college (out of my parents house). But I quickly realized my college town is not a place for romance, although its occurred they are the minority not the majority. Then I thought it just better to focus on school and once I graduated I would have all my self together and definitely be ready with the right man of course.
Now as a graduate I’m not sure if I am ready at this moment but I am more open to dating and no being so closed off to the idea altogether.
I don’t know if one is ever truly ready, but I definitely believe if you make a conscious effort and question yourself with the one above then your on the right track.
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I won’t even lie. I’m not mature enough. I can’t even deice whether or not I want to be in a relationship not to mention all of the things that come with love. In addition- I think I’ve created silly rules for myself that indicate that I’m nowhere near ready for what love could turn into.
But then again maybe that realization means that I’m moving towards being a bit more mature.
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Great post!
Love has a way of showing up when and where you least expect it. It doesn’t come knocking on your door when you feel you are ready and sometimes it will even pass you by…you have to be BOLD enough to reach for it when it comes, only in that moment, will you know if you are ready or not.
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I am definitely ready to love & have been blessed with someone who “respects the spirit world & thinks with his heart.” Its a process & I’m learning spirituality, love, open ness & unconditional purity………..
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“white women” aren’t your culprits. That’s just BS.
~p
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Starita34 Reply:
November 11th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Way to miss the point of the whole article. Amazing. Your reading comprehension skills are astonishing. Now if only I had a name to associate with this brilliance.
*Pools of sarcasm gathering around my feet*
~s
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Well ~p did assist me in discovering a piece I’ve never read.
Loved the post Miss Jenkins. India is the soundtrack to my second love…this song still cuts to the core of me.
Will we ever be all the way ready? I don’t know. But I sure felt ready with the Him I speak of so often. Now? Not at all…I’m only a few months out from Him and Him still permeates my being…I gotta shake that before I can be any good to the next chapter.
Wish I woulda been around to have this convo with the SBM fam…
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