What if She Doesn’t Want Babies?
I am a woman. In my twenties. Who could have a baby. I. could. have. a. baby. Sometimes just saying it makes me ::shiver::. Having a baby would make me a mommy. That means I would be responsible for the life of a child. ::shakes the thought away:: Please note, I am not saying anything against women who have, or want babies. Just for me, right now…I just don’t think I’m there yet.
Society sort of grooms women to think that we must want to make babies with the less fair sex. It’s as though once we are of a certain age, the light turns green, and we must start the procreation. But at the same time, women get judged for having babies out of wedlock. With the way that marriage rates are looking these days though, how much of a choice do some women really have? I digress.
As a woman with certain career aspirations, I sometimes toggle back and forth about the idea of having children. There are just so many things to think about. Timing, financial stability, relationship status, location…and the list could continue. Some say that either way, things will work out. That’s all fine and dandy, but that doesn’t change my apprehension.
So what if a woman doesn’t want to have children?
Do people think this woman is less than a woman? Or maybe that her instincts are broken? Is she less desirable to a man as a prospect for a wife? There are some women who do not have that “maternal instinct” in the way that its expected to manifest in women. Seeing babies or pregnant ladies may not strike a warm and fuzzy feeling in her. And there are others who are driven by careers that are not kid or family friendly. Is this woman selfish for wanting to achieve certain goals over wanting to be a mother?
What if she wants to be a home maker and housewife?
In today’s independent-woman, world should this woman be considered an exception? Do women get judged for wanting to be a stay at home mother? Is this a woman’s true place? Yeah right.
Like I said, I go back and forth about this all the time. Seeing pregnant woman doesn’t excite me the way it excites my friends, or other women my age. It sort of freaks me out. I don’t get all warm and fuzzy when I think about having a that pregnant woman glow or having a new being growing on my insides creating life. Instead, I think about stretch marks and possibly gaining weight that I can’t lose. No bueno.
Ladies, does the idea of having babies freak you out too? Men, does a woman lose brownie points if she says she doesn’t want to have babies? Is it okay for a woman not to want babies? Help a sista figure this out.
Sowhatiff – No stretch marks and swollen ankles for me, thanks – Jenkins
39 Responses to “What if She Doesn’t Want Babies?”
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Ok, first things first…I’m first! *doing cabbage patch at desk*
As far as babies is concerned – don’t give it a thought! You are perfectly situated – young enough to focus on yourself and old enough to handle the issue if it comes up (and by comes up, I mean “ooops!”). You are truly the mistress of your domain, so do’t let anyone else’s biological clock distract you from what you want to do in life right now.
BTW – the thoughtfulness with which you approach potential motherhood tells me that you will be a great mommy…sometime in your late 20′s early 30′s, lol.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I literally said “Awwww” when I read the latter part of your comment. Thank you boo!
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This post hits sooo close to home. I flip flop on the kids issue all the time. When I was young I wanted a basketball time, then I didn’t want any for fear that I would mess up the kid’s life, now I think I could do a much better job then half the parents I know so why the hell not? But I definitely encounter crazy looks from the opposite sex when I was adamant about not having any children. At the end of the day, married or not, it is ultimately your decision to have a child, so I second the above comment that you shouldn’t let anyone make you feel anything about your feelings on the matter.
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So glad that you wrote this. I’m going on 26 this year and when people mention babies around me I’m instantly 16 again, like “Babies? I’m too young to have a baby!”
At this point in my life I can say that I’d ONLY have a baby for my husband (if there’s one in the cards for me). Simply because I don’t want children enough to go at it alone. But if I settle down with a man who’s the Bees Knees, I already know I’d be more than happy to give him as many babies as he’d like (Wait, who am I kidding? Not even the chocoaltey goodness that is Dwyane Wade could convince to push more than two kids out of my va-jay-jay!)
But I definitely feel you. I’m not ready to be responsible for molding a life just yet.
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I’m at the age where I think I am mentally ready to have a baby. I turn 28 this year and a good portion of my friends are already mothers, some twice over. 95% of them are married too. I’m not, so I’d like that to come first. I know that I COULD raise a baby alone, but its not what I’m setting out to do. no ma’am, not at my current station in life. I don’t fault any woman that doesn’t want to have children, its your life and your body. Lord knows there are plenty of folks with them that shouldn’t have had children in the first place. Just continue to do you and everything will work out in your life.
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I’ve always wanted a large family. But now I’m 26 and have a 5 year old… I don’t want any more. Sometimes I’m willing to sell lil man off for $20 but retain visitation.
A BABY CHANGES EVERYTHING! Your freedom to do what you want when you please is gone. They are always up under you and wanting you to play with them… yea I’ve never had it in me to play with children. But I think I lucked out. All joking aside, my son is amazing. I think he’s playing us with the whole Autism thing, cause he is just a warm cup of gourmet hot chocolate. Love him to pieces.
That’s one thing, you never realize true love until you have kids. There’s nothing else like it. So I still want a lil girl and to give my future hubby a lil boy. But that’s it lol.
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I feel you on this one. Im 22yrs old, and people all ready asking me “When you plan on having kids?”. On one hand people say 22 is too young to get married, but on the other hand I better start popping out babies before I get too old….. huh? Personally I want a family, something I never had myself. When I start having my children I want them to be raised with mommy and daddy, and I want all my kids to have the same father. Having children is a big responsibility. My mom always tells me “Once you have kids, your life is no longer your own” and I dont think im ready for all that yet. Great post Tiff.
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I have strong maternal instincts. I’m 24. However, I only want to have children when I’m married and stable. So I am in no rush to have them. I also have high career aspirations, but I have factored a family into those plans. Additionally I will be doing international non-profit work which I think will aid greatly into the raising of my children.
I do get googly eyed when I see pregnant women, and I love love baby sitting my girlfriend’s babies. I love baby showers, and all things kids. I hate badass kids, but I’m more or less just happy they aren’t mine.
I understand where you are coming from though. Don’t even begin to think for a second that you are not normal or any of those thoughts. Women are amazing because we are versatile. We can do so many things at once, or do nothing at all and still exude amazingness. From the housewife who nurtures and entire family (Husband included as a child) to the professional woman who knew better than to have children before SHE was ready. I think our greatest gift is discernment. So do you girl! Don’t worry, if it comes to you it comes. And you’ll have cute lil baby thangs! If it doesn’t, it doesn’t and you will have the life you want.
And I think you and I are on some blogging mental link. I’m finishing up today’s blog on Beating Yo Kids. LOL
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Right now, I don’t want kids. I’m in my mid-20s and I have some really selfish career plans that I know will put me in a great place in a couple years. Plus I’m just learning how to take care of a significant other correctly and that’s a fellow adult. I don’t think I’m ready to bring a kid into the world. Although I’ve heard from numerous women that I’ll be a great father. There’s time for that, the boys don’t have an expiration date.
However, if it happened I agree with Anna Nimous, I have the means and the mindset to handle the situation and step up to the plate.
Nonetheless, Seattle won’t have a basketball team anytime soon if Trojan, the Pill and Plan B have anything to do with it.
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Streetz: The Living Legend Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Tabernacle!
I echo Bro. SWs statements! One day, just not Today and hopefully not yesterday, lol.
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Just A Thought Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Just to be acrimonious, but while boys may not have an expiration date, the spermies degrade in quality. So don’t wait too late or you will be forced to replicate with inferior material. Ha, anywho, I’m not really into having kids right now, and I’m closer to 30 than 25, and I feel like I should be more worried, but I’m not. I’m doing me cuz children are an 18-life (18 mandatory)
sentencecommittment.Reply
I think at or around 25 the internal and EXTERNAL maternal questions get stronger and more frequent in a woman’s life. All of us aren’t very maternal. Hell, to be honest, for a great deal of us, the maternal instincts don’t kick in until you’re about to have your first child, or even after the baby is born.
It’s sad to feel such pressure about something that should be so natural, you know? My advice: Do you. If you know, know, know right now (or EVER) is not a good time for you to step into the mommy slippers (which, by the way, you NEVER take off once you put them on) take your time, and do it right. Live life and enjoy it!
Once you have children, your life is not over, but life, as you once knew it, will change forever. Please don’t get me wrong, it’s hard for me to imagine not having my Nia in my life. I don’t really have any regrets; I was a professional, gainfully employed college graduate when I conceived and gave birth to her. I was comfortable with who I was and where I was going in life and I felt like I could handle being a mom. (Oh, I was SCARED TO DEATH. I’m analytical to a fault and my whole pregnancy I read and researched pregnancy, safe delivery methods, nutrition, etc.)
Take your time, Tiff. I’m sure you enjoy the amount of sleep and moderate selfishness you can indulge in from time to time (if not all the time).
Once you have a baby, you won’t EVER sleep as soundly as you once did, and you won’t get a full night’s sleep for about 2 years. 
See the world, chile! When the time is right FOR YOU, you’ll know it, and you will embrace motherhood (or non-motherhood, if that’s what you decide) warmly, knowing it was your decision and you were as ready as you felt like you needed to be.
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ashbunnie Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 10:01 am
I still haven’t had a full 8 hours of sleep, and my son is going on 4. I don’t even know what its like to sleep until 12.
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TRUE Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
I trained my babies to sleep thru the night as infants…so I dont have the loss of sleep problem
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I dislike 99% of children. The other 1% are asleep or being swallowed.
-Nasty Jackson
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Tunde Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
rotflmao
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Luvvie Reply:
May 19th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
*dead* Please tell my Mama I loved her to pieces.
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As a young woman with a child, let me say this: Wait as long as you want to have children. I love my son more than life, but if I could have waited another 10 years, I would’ve. Children change things dramatically in your life. When you were once looking to blow your whole paycheck on some random ass items, you can’t because your child needs pampers and a 3rd pair of sneakers in a month because his feet grow so damn fast. When you were ready to go out with your girls or a late night booty call, you can’t because you have no sitter. [If this sounds like a rant, trust me it is]
In my opinion, no one can honestly say that they are ready for a child. You may think you have enough money saved up, and then your child is born with some random ass sickness that insurance wont cover. Or you may have think that you met the man who you want to have many babies with, but once you have the child, you realize that he is a fuggin ideeot. Babies change the dynamics of any relationship.
Anyone can be a parent, not everyone is Parental.
With that said, Mstiff, enjoy your life. Acheive your goals now, your child will thank you later.
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Word. Career aspirations aside, I’m more concerned about my figure. Don’t judge me.
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ashbunnie Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
LOL. No judgement. I gained 67 pounds. Breast went up 2 cup sizes. I have some days where I’m screaming “tyler look what you did to me”.!!!
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JG* Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 10:13 am
See… I’m worried too because I only gain weight in my belly. However, I am COMPLETELY looking forward to this breast thing.
I’m a mosquito bite away from my front being my back. My mother was the same way. Now at 50 she’s a DD and they are perky as hell. I’m grateful I could help her out like that.
I figure if my waist goes to hell and back, I’ll put in overtime in the gym to get it back. I’ll be very motivated to try out my new boobs.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 11:35 am
LMAO! This is hilarious. See, I’m nowhere near lacking in boobage. God only knows what’ll happen when substances are turning and churning in them. ::shivers::
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TRUE Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
nyela…
THEY SAGGGGGG lol ….
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Just A Thought Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
You aren’t the only one! But the thought of gaining breasts does not outweigh stretchmarks, my feet spreading, weight gain, and actually raising a child.
I think being the fun aunty is enough for me.
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I’ve been through ups and downs with this issue myself..and i’ve come to the conclusion that I want to start a family- I just got one problem- I dont have a man lolllll
And until I become a legal concubine, I’m not going to blink at the thought of starting a family…because its one things to want children…but its a whole different ball game to want a family…wanting kids- selfish (imo) wanting a family (selfless)
No disrespect to all the single yummy mommies cuz I was raised in a single parent household..and by no means are single moms selfish BUT 4 the purpose of this post …dont fret your time is now-live ya life!…family time may come later..or not @ all…everybody’s different.
Look how many unwanted abused & neglected children come into this world..we should really support the women who don’t want to get into something they can’t handle…but try telling that to your family :s
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
i agree. i totally want children, but not until i’m married and i have a stable career. i understand that ish happens, but i would prefer to be wifed up before i bust out my bball team =).
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i wouldn’t knock a woman for not wanting to have children. i just couldn’t be in a serious relationship with her. i want to have children, so we would bump heads on this issue. i’d rather not even put myself in that situation.
as far as homemakers or stay at home mothers, i would welcome the idea if my future wife wanted to do that. i wouldn’t think any less of her. taking care of a household can be a job in itself. now i still would want my future to have some sort of education. you just can’t have no type of earning potential. god forbid if i should die, i would hope that she could still earn a living and take care of our children.
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If shorty dont want no kids, I dont think we can get married. This may sound wrong but I think its fair. Now if you are unable to have kids, then thats a different issue though. There are many women who wont date a man b/c he says that he doesnt want to have a family and stuff. I think its perfectly fine for a woman to be more concerned with her body, her aspirations, her goals and/or her free time than with children but I realized that that woman isnt the woman for me. Just like women should have the choice to do whatever they please with their bodies, men (and women) should have the choice to date whomever they please. I think many people would see a man who refused to date a woman who didnt want children as a misogynist and that is unfair and incorrect.
I’m perfectly content with waiting til my early 30′s to have some kids. (This is when I believe I will be financially stable and when they’re teenagers I wont be too old to still be able to whip that arse ifwhen they get out of line).
If my wife wanted to be a stay at home wife (meaning with no side hustle/at home business), I’d have no problems with it. But keeping that house would be her job. Just like if I stopped bringing home the bacon, she would have an issue with me, if she stopped cleaning the crib, I would have a problem with her. Obviously, things would be different if she had a side hustle going on. I wouldnt mind being a stay at home dad, do you know how many seasons of Madden I can get through while the boo piece is away?
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@ bout to be 35 next month…and not having My King, I’m about to write it off………if someone I loved didn’t smash my heart in to a tirllion lil pieces by informing me that he had in fact became a father again and had a daughter with another woman I wouldn’t feel any kind of way about it, but that made it hurt a gazillion 1000 times more and like I said he was the one I had loved enough to procreate with but since thats gone and time doesn’t stop….I don’t really need or really want to have children……….
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Agreed. People treat babies like they are the hot new Chanel, but in actuality they are human beings whose LIVES you are responsible for.
ANYTHING could happen to your kid. They could have special needs or could be just plain dumb. Either way you have to be prepared to take care of that child FOREVER.
I think if more people thought about this, the makers of Depo Provera would have recession-proof stock.
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TRUE Reply:
May 18th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
I agree
its more than just dress up
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mmm..i’m already a mommy..lol
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I’m 29 and lately going back and forth on having babies like all the time. I never gave myself the leeway to think that I wouldn’t have children, it’s just what people do right? Well I’m not so sure I want that and so far have only encountered one person who has questioned me on this, and it was an unlikely friend (or so I thought).
Becoming a single mother freaks me out above all things in, and that’s been the case forever and ever, but now I’m wondering the necessity of having children at all. If the intent is to nurture a child, there are plenty of children who could use another role model and more guidance in life, so that’s a good enough reason.
I also recognize that children add AND detract from your life, so I have to figure which side holds more weight for me.
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I must admit that when I read this post, I had to do a double take and make sure it wasn’t me who wrote it. I feel exactly the same way, Tiff.
I constantly debate about whether or not, I will reproduce and right now my answer is a firm no. But, upon reading this post and other comments, I have realized that I do want children…one day. The problem is I haven’t found a man that makes me want to push out babies and subsequently raise them.
Children are a HUGE responsibility and I would feel more selfish if I was to have one, right now. It’s selfish to bring a living, breathing, human being into the world that you don’t have the physical, mental, and emotional means to support and take care of. It selfless, to know that you can’t give a child your all therefore, you abstain from having kids.
So in the end, I think once I’m a little older, wiser, and in love and married, I will have kids.
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wait as long as you can, children take over your LIFE
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Kids are great and all, but they’re just not that important to some people. I think society does put pressure on both sexes to get a good job, get married, have kids and “live happily ever after.” But the reality is, sometimes that’s just impossible or not even of any interest to some people.
I’m 25 and my parents have been together over 20 years, married about 24. I could care less if I get married, having a life long mate is more important to me. Marriage is a ritualistic institution that originated in order to keep a track/census of the population at the time. Quite frankly, it’s a joke.
I don’t envy people with children. God bless them, somebody has to do it, glad it ain’t me.
If I met a man, we loved each other enough and we were together for a considerable amount of time, I might pop one or two (the most!) out for him. But if he feels the same way I do, then all the better.
Yours Truly,
Terry *she’s just not that into kids* Lang
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Sorry I was ghost all day yall. I was out playing grown up.
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I’m 29 and people ask me if I have kids. I can barely dogsit, as I almost killed my friends dog in December (actually it was the little mut’s fault, he ran into the street, while I was walking him…ok, I didn’t know how to work the leash, but I digress)
so I know NOW is not the time for a little rugrat..I think about it, but honestly I flip flop and am not quite 100%. I like the freedom of being able to sleep in, come home late, and just getting up & going also I would 1) have to be married 2) I’d want to be married without kids for the first few years
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Reason I won’t have a child within the next coupla years: I’m selfish with my time & I’m not done running the streets.
That is all
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