How I Finally Found Faith: Part 2
The journey continues...
In the 1st part of series, I wrote about some of my experiences in church over the 1st 20 years of my life. It’s hard to capture everything in a post like this and keep people’s interest, but hopefully those who read it were able to respect the perspective. If you haven’t read part 1, you can check it out here. In part 2, I want to talk more so about my frustrations and the obstacles that I ran into that made it difficult for me to establish and maintain a relationship with God. I left something out that I could have covered in Part 1, but figured it would be more potent here.
One of the things that I didn’t mention in part 1 was the one role that one particular ongoing event played in confusing and ultimately deterring me from pursuing faith. To give a quick back story, my dad had a crippling stroke when I was a senior in high school. As you can probably imagine and perhaps sympathize with, seeing something both painful and awful happen to someone that you love and look up to can raise a lot of questions as it pertains to faith. I can remember asking myself and asking God in a roundabout way why it had to happen to him. It was a lot of that “Why do bad things happen to good people?” going on in my head. Everybody has their fair share of struggles and turmoil, and I thought my dad had done a lot of good over recent years to deal with many of his struggles. With that said, I just couldn’t seem to understand why this had to happen to him. Had he been living the healthiest lifestyle before he made changes? No. That’s why he made changes. I found myself sitting there at night staring at the ceiling wondering why things turned out the way they did given the efforts he had been making.
It is important to say that he did ultimately live through the ordeal. Granted, he was no longer able to walk and every visit home provided me with a heavy heart and in some way made me bitter. Dad was extremely thankful to God for his opportunity to remain alive when doctors had counted him down and out. You’d think that I’d have saw this as an amazing act of God and developed a stronger faith, but that wasn’t the case. Given that I already felt the way I did, it kind of separated me even further. In the back of my head, I thought to myself that if there were a real God, he wouldn’t have let all this happen and relegated my father to life in a wheelchair. Yeah, I was happy that he was still alive and I could spend time with him. However, I didn’t feel any more connected to God or any more inspired to pursue my faith for years. Once I graduated from college, his condition deteriorated along the way, but I had accepted things for what they were. I’m pretty sure my faith was dead for a while even though he was very much alive for a few more years.
There was a point after college where I went back to church—an A.M.E church to be more specific. I thought I’d take it back to my beginnings and work things out from there. I felt good about it. I was a regular for a few months. I’d wake up on Sunday, get dressed in some slacks and a nice shirt, and then hop in my car to head over to the church that I thought would help solve a lot of my life’s problems and allow me to have a better relationship with God. But as I continued to attend, I found myself asking more questions and getting less answers. I found myself wondering why I was there and what was point of the overall service nearly each and every week?
I know everyone is clapping and saying yes to you, but I won't.
Did I get anything positive out of the sermons every week? Yes, I did. There were a lot of positive messages that came out of the 15-20 minutes that he talked and drew rounds of applause and “hand raises” in agreement. But for whatever reason, this did nothing for me. The people singing, dancing, and sometimes running in place made me extremely uncomfortable. I often found myself leaving church and scratching my head. People were walking out after service talking about how good the music was and how they felt spiritually full, but for whatever reason I still felt some level of emptiness. Coincidentally, it wasn’t long after this that I moved a few miles away and stopped going all together.
There were many occasions where I considered going back after I moved to a new town, but I just never got to that point—until recently of course. It was kind off funny to me at the time and even funnier now. I spent all those Sundays waking up early and heading to church while friends and family stayed home, relaxed, or went to Bedside Baptist. I really couldn’t even articulate what I actually learned or what the point of all of it was. I’d get home, feel good for a few hours, and then it was back to life as usual. You can probably imagine the amount of frustration this caused for me. I was seeking the truth and couldn’t find it despite how hard I was looking.
More than 2 years had passed since the last time I had attended church. I had reached out to the pastor a couple of times and not much happened other than us playing phone tag. I had listened to people talk about God and their level of faith. I had listened to folks bust out into songs or reference verses from the Bible on a variety of appropriate and inappropriate occasions. But even with all of this happening, nothing clicked for me. For whatever reason, I found myself getting more and more disgruntled and turned off. I felt like people were trying to jam information down my throat at times, and in other situations I felt like people were pitying me during some of my toughest times spiritually. I remember being in the Bahamas this past year and a woman asking me “Have you been saved?” I didn’t really respond and she went off on a long “tangent” about her thoughts on faith and why I needed God. She may have thought she was helping me in a roundabout way, but she was really just turning me off and making me feel like more of an outsider than I already did. I’m pretty sure there was a point where I just tuned her out all together and said “Yep. This is why I don’t go to church.”
I had several situations like this with people. I’ve even had them here on the blog and it’s been apparent in my responses that I was a bit more than annoyed and irritated. And even as I responded appearing to be a nonbeliever, I was seeking a relationship with God and hoping that something would eventually make sense. Unfortunately, nothing seemed to happen. I watched a few tv shows. I listened to more people talk. I even picked up the Bible a couple times. Even with all of this effort, nothing was clicking—that is until a friend of mine expressed that he joined a church about 8 months ago and wanted me to hear him out. Stay tuned for part 3, the final chapter of this series, to learn how he got me into the mix and how I’ve finally been able to find a relationship with God. But for today, we must discuss.
Have you or anybody around you endured any major frustrations or obstacles along the way as you sought to find or strengthen your faith or have you always had a strong link to God? What have you done during tough times during your adulthood to try to rekindle that relationship with whatever God you worship? If not actively in any church, what types of things are keeping you from going? How do you think these experiences have affected your thoughts on faith up to this point in your life? Any other thoughts on just this part of the series that come to mind?
Don’t worry. Part 3 won’t be this long,
P.S. I came across the video below the other day. It made me laugh and in a roundabout way reminded me of some of the reasons I didn’t go to church. Go to the 1:30 mark and you’ll probably be appalled. This is safe for work.
60 Responses to “How I Finally Found Faith: Part 2”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
-
- Help Us Grow! Subscribe!
Great post! I think it is a very courageous thing to open yourself up like this.
Last year I completed my first full month of Ramadan in almost a decade. It provided me with a lot of clarity and reinvigorated my relationship with God.
However I still do not think I can or will be able to commit to Islam or Christianity long term.
I am at a good place spiritually. I trust in my belief of a higher power and I try to be a good person.
At this point that is enough for me, although I cant say for how long that will be the case.
Reply
Intellectual Hedonist Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 11:08 pm
you know what though. that is the difference between being religious and spiritual. Religious people frighten me, but spiritual people, they are on not only on the right path but at times the more righteous path
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
Very good point. I tried to stay away from the word religion as much as possible when I was writing this series out.
Reply
Brookland's OWn Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
“Last year I completed my first full month of Ramadan in almost a decade. It provided me with a lot of clarity and reinvigorated my relationship with God.
However I still do not think I can or will be able to commit to Islam or Christianity long term.”
Ramadan is just a form of Discipline for people who study the FAITH of ISLAM (which actually isn’t a religion but rather a science and stands for I-Self Lord and Master; the religion is the Muslim Religion) so if you don’t think you’ll be able to commit to self long term, I will say a prayer for you.
Reply
Peyso Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Peace God
Reply
the youtube video reminded me of when Jesus was in the temple and started to topple over the false prophets and rid the temple of such scoundrels.
Im glad you wrote about this it has definitely struck a chord with me
Reply
Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 11:44 am
I love that story! Well, more cuz Jesus got mad. People think Jesus just turns the other cheek, with a little soft voice and keeps it movin. He through a fit that day, flippin over tables and what not. Jesus don’t play!
Reply
For me… “Worship” doesn’t sit well with me… Just like any other child growing up in the south, I was exposed to the subculture within the Bible Belt, with or without the Bible or the Belt… lol But in terms of actual service, I only cared about sermons and Sunday School. Everything else, the music, the mass prayers, the random antics seemed more silly than purposeful… Firstly, to me the music just doesn’t sound good to me… SOME songs are awesome, I wouldn’t mind listening to them in a playlist mixed in with T.I., Sam Salter, Chris Brown and Tupac, but most won’t make it… *sigh*
Personally, while I’m not knocking anyone else’s process, I don’t think “worship” is where its at… Just some people bowing to something else… it seems demeaning without giving tribute to that higher power… Now BEFORE everyone who reads this busts a n*t on their screen from their lack of understanding/reading, I’m SAYING that it doesn’t feel like actual tribute or respect is given… more ritual than actual feelings… I mean, if I’m around all this happening… Why do I feel like all that is falling short?!?! Hence, I never was really into it… Still not into… “worship”
Also, I have some non-mainstream ideas of God. I don’t agree in the personification at all times. Kinda feel like he’s put into a box… A box where we give him OUR image… I use it since it’s much easier to talk to people about a higher power in their language… but my explaining what I mean without the personification would but kinda drawn out… I don’t have a religion… Even according to my own definitions I’m not completely spiritual… I’m just living but what I can see is righteous…
Reply
Slim, thanks for having the courage to be open and honest about ur struggle with faith.
I previously talked about how my issues with religion were also somewhat “triggered” by a major life event. I guess mine was more along the lines of abuse, and feeling like God didn’t intervene on my behalf. But even then, I didn’t hit rock bottom til about college.
When I got to college, I became a religious hippie. I was all about there not being one true religion and it was all about just being a good person and believing in something greater than yourself. I minored in religion, took classes on Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, and African American religion. In my opinion, everyone was right and everyone was wrong. There was no heaven or hell, just earth and the choices we make here. There was no God or Jesus, but just a spirit of the earth that set things in motion. If someone asked me what “religion” I was, I’d say I was raised Christian, but now I don’t practice religion, just a personal relationship with a higher power.
It was a nice, safe, unoffensive, indecisive way to be, and I was comfortable there. Nobody could hurt me there. No one could let me down again. More importantly, God couldn’t let me down again. Because He didn’t exist. I made good choices for ME and not expecting some reward from heaven. I could never be a hypocrite like everyone else (because I didn’t believe in anything to act against). It was the safest, and empiest I ever felt.
Of course I never realized how empty I was until I got full. But that’s part 3.
JS <3's JC & SJ.
Reply
ASmith Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:11 am
It was a nice, safe, unoffensive, indecisive way to be
I think you hit on a hell of a lot in that paragraph, but this sentence especially.
I only live in my head but I’ve oft wondered if that’s not the basis for quite a few people’s belief that there’s no “one way.”
Reply
Reecie Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:46 am
yep, I agree with you ASmith. Good comment, Joey.
Reply
Great post. I am only 21 and i have been struggling since I became “aware” of what religion and sprituality really meant. It seemed as if everytime I would begin to embark on my indepth search for a closer relationship I begin to have too many questions left unanswered and that is what frustrate me the most. Another thing that kind of became an obstacle for me is my choice of studies in college. In the end that didn’t make a big different but it does make you think and can make you question certain aspects within any “religion”. To be honest the word itself, religion, has a negative connotation within my head. I have a god-mother whom is very religous and the way in which she deals with certain things with me simply pushes me into a “rebellious” mindset. This is a deep topic in which a lot of ppl choose not to discuss but I applaud you for sharing your experience with it
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
I def feel you on this comment. Part 3 proposes some solutions to some of the rhetoric out there as well.
Reply
I knew PT. 2 would be great! Slim thank you for being so open.
For me it hasn’t been the big things that have sidetracked my faith, it’s been all the little stuff that had piled up on me over the years.
Hardest moment I’ve ever had in life was the day my mom died. It was senior year of HS, the Saturday the week before prom. My mom dropped me off at work and fussed at me as usual for always being late. I rolled my eyes like a typical teenager and rushed into work already looking forward to mom picking me back up so we could go to the movies w/ my dad like we did every Saturday…
I got out of work a cousin I don’t see often was there to pick me up. I knew immediately something was off and she looked panicked. She said we had to go to the hospital but wouldn’t give me any details. Whatever she wasn’t telling me scared me to death and I just remember praying. I dunno what the words were that were coming out of my mouth, I don’t know how loud I spoke but it was the closest I’ve ever come to speaking in tongues or anything like that. I know I asked God to make me strong and help me deal with whatever was at that hospital. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed that hard in my life.
When we arrived I walked in to experience the absolute worst moment of my life. I was rushed into a room where I found my entire family looking weary and run down. My dad barely was able to explain to me that my mom had fallen off her bicycle while they were out riding and been struck by a car when the doctor walked in and said she had massive trauma and “there’s nothing we can do”. In that moment chaos broke out around me, but I was still. My sister fell to the floor and had a full on asthma attack and had to be rushed out in a wheelchair. My father fell apart in my grandmother’s arms… everyone around me was just crushed, but I just closed my eyes, said okay, and accepted what was.
For days,weeks, months, I walked around and people wanted to comfort me but I was fine and usually ended up comforting them. How? My faith. In that car I promised God I would accept whatever I encountered when I opened the door and got out as long as he gave me the strength to do it and he did just that…
BUT… now it’s been almost 11 years… LONG YEARS. I feel like I’ve lived through trial after trial since losing my mom and things don’t ever seem to get too much easier for long. On one hand I am truly thankful and I know I’m blessed, BUT it’s been harder and harder to have that same stillness and faith that I had when I was 18.
My mom told me once “God didn’t put us here to suffer” and I truly believe that. He has never left me or forsaken me, he’s always provided for me, so for years when things got bad I was always able to smile through the struggles and pains because I knew in the end God had a plan and everything would be okay, but recently…
I’ve had a lot of moments in the last year where I really felt like there was no purpose, where I didn’t understand why my burdens seemed so heavy.
That’s part of what has led me back to church…
Reply
Sunny Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 8:04 am
I can’t say anything but wow. I am sure your faith during that time, touched others around you… thanks for sharing, Ms. Cherry.
Reply
ASmith Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:14 am
Thanks for sharing that.
It’s amazing the faith we have when we’re young. 18 isn’t as young as 7, but it’s younger than 25… and it’s amazing that level of faith we have. I didn’t understand what people meant, really, when they asked for a childlike faith now I do. I miss the intense level of faith I had when I was younger. Trying to figure out how to get my faith back to that.
Reply
Reecie Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:52 am
your story truly touched me. especially “How? My faith. In that car I promised God I would accept whatever I encountered when I opened the door and got out as long as he gave me the strength to do it and he did just that…”
that’s a true testimony. I hope that if I am presented with similar adversity in my life I can be a strong as you were.
Reply
anonymous deux Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Have mercy. My mascara is running. You Ms. Cherry have blessed me so much today. I had to share your story with someone I knew needed it.
Reply
This part 2 of the series made me cry! Hmmph!
I had to go & regroup before leaving a comment…
I believe the part that got to me is when you wrote about your dad. 8 yrs. ago when my father was diagnose with prostate cancer, that was when I was completely threw w/ God.
I just remember feeling and saying to Him, “I know you can do something. I know you don’t have to let my daddy have this and you’ve done it anyways.” I felt so angry w/ God and neglected by Him and although He brought my father thru, by the time it happened I had taken a look at my life, realized that I wasn’t quite where I wanted to be and didn’t have the “things” that I wanted and decided it was all God’s fault, up until recently…
“any major frustrations or obstacles along the way as you sought to find or strengthen your faith or have you always had a strong link to God?”
I use to feel like something miraculous was suppose to happen each time attempted to get back in good with God and nothing- each time.
“What have you done during tough times during your adulthood to try to rekindle that relationship with whatever God you worship?”
Since being grown and trying to rebuild w/ The Lord, I use to just give up if times got tough. I’d say, “Seriously? Really, God? You just gon’ allow this mess to come my way knowing daggone well I’m not that strong in my faith?” I’m hoping not to give up on Him so easily this time around.
Reply
Two snaps and a twirl for this post. Finding and maintaining faith is a personal thing. It’s all about the relationship. The biggest obstacle in my faith is me. My daddy has been my pastor for years. I’m used to his ministry which focused on building and strengthening a person’s relationship with God. Church if nothing more should be a relationship (not religion) builder. Joining a new church was overwhelming. I tried several my first few years in college. They did nothing to strengthen my relationship. So I got fed up and stopped going altogether (unless I went home).
Post-grad job I tried church again, because I was tired of my parents saying they worried about my relationship. It didn’t last long. My heart wasn’t in the right place. Plus I took issue with hearing one bad sermon after the other (clearly I need to write “Homiletics For Dummies”) or meeting members expecting constant coverage in the paper from me. I am too much of a sermon critic and nobody’s PR flunky, so I couldn’t be bothered with the church anymore. Faith was put on the backburner for four years. God became an afterthought unless I needed something. Of course my relationship deteriorated. I won’t say you have to go to church to have a relationship, but it does help strengthen it. My faith was strongest when I went to church regularly.
However, I have finally realized I truly want a relationship with God. For me, that includes finding a church home that will help rebuild it; even if it means driving home every weekend. I don’t want to date the church forever.
I can’t wait to read Pt. 3!
Reply
I knew this part would be equally if not more interesting than the first.
My faith became a bit rocky when my father became a pastor. Long story short I think he’s one of the last people that should be a pastor. He doesn’t stanky leg on offering like Creflo and Leroy, but his personal life is a mess. And once I went with him to the National Baptist Convention and met tons of ministers that trifiling beyond reason that really made me o-O Clergymen.
Anywho I really stopped going to church and questioning things when my grandfather got Alzheimers. My grandad was my father figure. After my parents divorced my mom moved back in with my grandparents. My granddad was retired and he took me to school, picked me up from school, took my to the park, helped with HW and ran interference when I got in trouble with my mom or grandma. Just an awesome grandpa overall.
Fast forward to jhs he was forgetting things but could still hold a convo about things from back in the day and walk and talk. Forward again to HS graduation time and the present he doesn’t walk, talk, feed himself or anything. On an amazing day if you call his name he’ll look at you. This made me livid! Of all the jerk off men in the world my grandpa had to deteriorate like this and all everyone said was “God has a master plan”… anger sharks are swimming in my head.
I never stopped believing in God but I couldn’t do the church scene. Between the corrupt pastors and my personal story it just didn’t add up. Somehow or another I got into Eastern philosophy and a search of other religions. I can’t renounce my Christian upbringing but for the most part I’m spiritual with a Christian Hindu leaning
Reply
Ms. Cherry got me crying first thing… Wow. Thank you for sharing that.
Its kinda nice when we get a bit serious on here. It allows me to really step back and see just how blessed I am to have both my parents still, amongst other things I don’t deserve but am given by His grace. Abuse sucks, but I never really stopped to think how my life would be if instead, I had lost that person. At least with them here, I was able to forgive and let them know they were forgiven and rebuild that relationship I longed for so much…
Thank you everyone for being so honest on here! =)
Reply
I honestly think there is a church/worship place for everybody. I attended a church, routinely, for 27 years and was never inspired to be better or do anything more than go. Going was routine. I knew as Christian, I was supposed to go, and I hoped one day, something would click.
Then, I found my current church. I am inspired. I think with visiting different churches, if you are ready to join, it will hit you. You will feel completely comfortable.
I have had friends that have struggled and the arguments are all the same- church is full of hypocrites. My answer to that is- there are hypocrites everywhere. There are hypocrites at work, do we stop working?
I also feel that sometimes people think that because they become Christian or attend church, that nothing bad will ever happen or answers will automatically come. I see my faith as an insurance. I still have worries (like everyone else), but I have something higher that lets me know it’ll all be okay in the end.
***Great series, slim
****
Reply
Toni Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:19 am
“I think with visiting different churches, if you are ready to join, it will hit you. You will feel completely comfortable.”
So true!
Reply
…….I’ve got so much rolling around in my belly that i don’t even know where to begin..
Religion, faith, spirituality…church are all separate things to me. Most folk may think they are the same thing but I don’t.
I’ve been knocked off the faith wagon off and on since I was 16 and my dad passed away. You talk about someone angry..? Whoo chile, I was angry, hurt, resentful, and bitter, but as time went along I recovered but with a chink in my faith armor.
Now when I became pregnant with my daughter, you never saw joy until you saw me…I was ecstatic, I felt blessed, happy, finally felt like my life was where i wanted it to be; I’ve always wanted to be a mother and now it seems like I has it all.
I have a trouble free pregnancy, no morning sickness, no aches or pains, no fatigue, just that glow to accompany the big ole smile on my face. When it was time to deliver, I labored in the comfort of my home until it was time to go and just like my pregnancy, it was smooth and trouble free.
Five weeks later my baby girl passed away. We woke up and she was just gone. I hollered, I screamed I cried, what on earth had I done to deserve this? I wasn’t a bad person. I loved my baby girl, I planned for her…what did I do that would make God take her away from me was my question.
S.I.D.S…which doesn’t mean a d@mn thing to a grieving mother. I wanted to know why, why, why! Why God? What did I do? What did we do? And now on top of taking her away you can’t tell me why or what happened….? she just suddenly died? that’s it? that’s all you can tell me?
I literally went crazy, you couldn’t have mentioned God around me without getting kicked out of my house. I didn’t want to hear “there’s a reason this happened..He doesn’t make mistakes”…really? I know you better get away from me with all of that.
For the better part of two years my life was in limbo. I quit my job, I couldn’t go back there with all those memories, I broke up with her father, I didn’t go out unless necessary..I just existed…still asking why. I felt so alone, my spirit was shattered. I didn’t want to be here feeling this pain that I felt that no one understood.
Something had to change.
Reply
ASmith Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Wow. I could still feel that anger in your post. I know that was hard. I’m sorry for your loss.
I always know people mean well when they say “God has a plan” or “He never makes a mistake” but it’s never…not EVER… comforted me.
My aunt died in a hospital because of an incompetent Dr who sent her home after a stroke before she should’ve gone. People kept saying “God has a plan for this…”
I ain’t seen a plan come to fruition yet. That was almost 15 years ago. I know He works on his own time and it’s not Him I question, it’s the assertion that this was purposeful. I always feel like people say that because they have nothing else to say; I’d rather silence than either of those ines.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:23 am
The “God has a plan” line still drives me nuts from time to time. I’d prefer silence or “I know this is tough for you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” over that line.
Reply
Smiley Face Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Man..I know I hurt some feelings when people said that to me. I wasn’t trying to hear it; at that time I’d rather have you not say a word and hold my hand than to fix your mouth to even begin that statement.
Reply
Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
Wow Smiley… losing a parent used to be my worst fear but after living through that loss and getting older, losing a child has taken it’s place.
You are a strong, strong woman. While I was able to cope when I lost my mother, I think what you went through would break me, I’m almost sure of it.
I think even if you have strong faith you still don’t want to hear any of that “God has a plan stuff” or even about God’s will. It’s like how dare someone else assume they are more clued in than you about the reasoning behind your loss.
My faith was strong after my mom’s passing but I was very weary of church. I just felt like all these people just looked at me and pitied me and expected me to just fall apart, and when I didn’t they kept pushing for some breakdown that just wasn’t going to happen instead of listening when I told them that my faith was honestly carrying me through.
Church folk can be a gift and a curse in a crisis.
Reply
WOW. Slim & everyone else who has shared I just have to say thanks to yall. My “faith” has been a constant struggle since my father passed away and I can’t really go into all the things that have happened that continued to test that faith over the years without writing an essay and probably making myself an emotional wreck for the day. But I am still struggling to have the faith that so many of the people around me have that I just can’t seem to get a hold of so this hits so very close to home.
I just want to address the last couple of questions you asked. “What have you done during tough times during your adulthood to try to rekindle that relationship with whatever God you worship? If not actively in any church, what types of things are keeping you from going?”
I returned to church during law school after not having attended a church regularly since my father had died 10 yrs earlier. I attended an AME church in Atlanta which was a pretty bug departure from my NYC Catholic church upbringing. I attended this church every Sunday and every Sunday I would end up balling my eyes out during service. People around me assumed it was the spirit or something along those lines but really it was that I felt TERRIBLE in that place. It seemed like being in church just made me realize even more how much I didn’t really believe nor have the faith of those around me. Still, I kept attending this church because I felt the church family was nice and it was so much better than the other churches I’d visited with regards to not being too phony or money hungry or wild & crazy or overly crowded etc. The reason I returned to church was because my life was in a weird place I had experienced some things that I couldn’t really figure out on my own & I was looking for something but couldn’t figure out what that was. So in talking to some of my very religious friends I opted to try church again. I attended this church regularly for about 4 years with the same results every Sunday…me crying my eyes out and feeling like a horrible person every Sunday. I was really too embarrassed to explain to anyone how I was really feeling, or why I was really crying, so everyone around me just though hallelujah she is back in the church.
One Sunday I had a breakdown, not just crying but I had to be taken out the church kind of breakdown during the service, and even I thought maybe this is it! Maybe the tears were the spirit and that’s how he worked through me. But in the back of the church once I was able to pull myself together I realized I still felt the same way. That was the last day I went to church…it was May 2007. Since then I have tried to strengthen my faith in other ways: reading the Bible regularly; actually praying to God (not just saying grace) but really quiet time where I try to connect with him on another level; attended some Bible studies w/ friends; talked w/ friends who I think have their faith in tact to try to get an understanding of how they have gotten to where they are; and any other attempt I can think of. I have attended church services here & there, with my mom, or a friend because I can’t really define where I am or how I really feel religiously. I just know I don’t want to come home from church feeling hypocritical and guilty but I do still and always have believed in God…
Sorry for the essay.
Reply
My youth pastor became a strong father figure in my life. He and his wife have a faith in and relationship with God that is to be envied. Shortly after first coming to our church, he was involved in a rafting accident that ripped his bicep muscle from his elbow. For almost a year after the accident he couldn’t turn his right arm so that his palm would face up, even after months of physical therapy. One day, some old buddies of his stopped by for a visit, prayed with him and a week later he could turn his arm. It really was very miraculous and I think it had us all thinking God would fix everything if you just asked.
5 years later, he suffered a heart attack that had the Dr’s thinking he would need a pacemaker. Long story short, we prayed and prayed and when the Drs began prepping him for surgery, they determined that suddenly (and yes miraculously) he didn’t need a pacemaker. See. God works miracles (go with me before you roll your eyes).
A few months after this, he was rushed to the hospital; he’d been complaining of a headache for weeks. Turns out he had encephalitis, an infection in your brain. Most people die, and while I’m so thankful he lived, he’s not been the same. He’s battled countless other diseases, his personality is significantly different, he’s lost hearing in one ear and he can’t do much of what he used to. I spent a lot of nights in the hospital with him wondering how much a guy could take and when would God have made his point and stop with the health battles.
I no longer believe everything happens for a reason. I think that’s something we tell ourselves to make the wacky crap make a little more sense. At that time, though, I did believe things happened for a reason and I kept searching through all of his health battles for the “reason” and I kept coming up with nothing. Sure, it made us all thankful for him, for our own health, etc… but what about how it effected his sons who had always loved spending time outside with him but no longer could? Or how about his short attention span and even shorter fuse. He had been such an even-keeled guy and now… not so much. What’s that about, I wondered. I think the way I tell it makes it seem like I shrugged my shoulders at some point and went skipping off in the field of life, but the truth is there was a long period of lots of questioning and frustration that I wasn’t getting any answers that sufficed. All the praying in the world wasn’t bringing the old him back and it was almost like he had died.
I eventually decided that bad things just happen sometimes. Sometimes they work, somehow, towards a greater good and sometimes they don’t. The way I see life makes that assessment something I can live with. I don’t have to know “why” to everything — but I know not everyone is that way.
It also doesn’t change that I still think it sucks and probably won’t ever think differently.
Reply
My grandma told me one thing when I was younger. I was asking her the “Why me? Why did God do this to me? Why us? (Referring to the lost of a family member)” and she asked me “Why not you? Why not us?”.
We are raised in a world that teaches you to think that hard work and “living right” means that you will be rewarded. We have to realize that what happens to you is not always indicative of the decisions that you have made. I know that in my life everything may not work out but in the grand schemes of things, in God’s master plan, it will. I trust that God uses the unfortunate things in my life to either strengthen me, or someone else, for something in the future. This explains why I cant see the reason that this unfortunate thing is happening for.
I read something one day that changed how I prayed. It was written by Oma Khayyam, a Persian philosopher. He wrote:
“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”
I stopped praying for specific things also b/c I realized what was in His will would be the only things to come true. I just prayed for the ability to accept what was coming
Reply
Smiley Face Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:15 am
you sound like my part 3
Reply
Slim…I really appreciate this series
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 10:33 am
I do it for the peoples!
Reply
It means the world to us that you all are willing to share so much with us and each other. Thank you for telling us your stories of struggle and strength. We all learn something from each other because of your honesty.
Reply
I am enjoying this How I found faith series, I appreciate you sharing this with us. Just like you I felt really thrown off on my search for a deeper relationship with God when my Dad had a stroke, in my case…he passed on. I felt all my praying, fasting etc was in vain and I gave up because I figured He wasn’t listening anyway. All the while He stayed so close to me, waiting for me to come back.
It took a spiritually sound Mother (my rock), a great church (shout out to Destiny Metropolitan ATL) and an awakening from God to get back on track (and days of being locked in my room crying and wondering why).
The video made me a little uneasy but as I grow in my faith, I realise that I can not question someone elses’ anointing (doesn’t mean you follow blindly) or how they act when they feel led…the good Book says (paraphrasing here) the ways of the Lord are not our ways and we can’t understand them. If that pastor felt the need to trample on the money then more grease to him. My convictions do not sit right with his approach but everyone’s convictions are different. Unfortunately people see a video like this and say this is why I don’t mess with that Church (mosque, etc) stuff, but not all spiritual leaders teach this way…it just takes finding the right one.
Looking forward to part 3.
Reply
I was always taught that what seems to be an obstacle in your life, shouldn’t be viewed as such, but rather a stepping stone to take you higher and lift you up…
1 Peter 1:6-8 — “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, you love.”
Faith. While I’m not as transparent as some of you, surely, I can say I’ve been tried and tested. Though it wasn’t easy, I found comfort in my faith and through His promises. I believed God, even in the midst of my storm. Obviously, I don’t expect that that’s the easiest for anyone to do. Did I have questions? Absolutely. But who am I to think that I can’t go through, when this man named Job—one of God’s greatest servants—pretty much set the precedent for truly going through “Hell and high water,” yet believed just as strongly in Him (if not more) as he did before the trials. I aspire to have that type of faith. Whenever I feel like it’s just too much, I read the book of Job … serves as a real good reality check.
Reply
The only thing that has kept me out of church is that I haven’t found one that speaks to me. I think I alluded to this is the first series, but I’m not one for going to church just because mama said so. When I attend church, I expect to get something out of it… that the Word will be preached and teached (I just wanna rhyme, sue me) in such a way that touches me spiritually, and provides me with real world application. A lot of the old southern Baptist preachers are more concerned with getting everyone excited, instead of relaying an actual message.
Case in point, I attended my home church with my mother, sister, brother and his kids the Sunday after Christmas. Well, 7min into the sermon, and I had no idea what he was talking about. After he read the scripture his sermon was based upon, the first 5 words out of his mouth were already in his loud, country preacher cadence, and it only got worse. Even if he was saying anything, I couldn’t hear him over his attempts to get the congregation in a tizzy. And when people started getting up shouting, saying “Amen” and “Preach Preach”, all I could think was what in the hell is he saying, he hasn’t said anything. His sermon consisted of him trying to get people out of their seat and dancing in the aisles. And it’s frustrating, b/c I know people are not growing in their faith b/c he hasn’t grown as the leader of that church. I could talk so much about the problems in that church, but I won’t. I just pray that they are able to find a real spiritual leader that is able to preach and teach them, and help them grow as a congregation.
So, yeah, things like that have kept me out of church. But they have not kept me away from God. Whenever I go thru a rough patch, all I look back in my life to when I had a similar hard time, and realize God has always brought me through it, and he will again. Sometimes, it is hard to stay focused on Him when you are in the midst of struggles, but God knows what’s going on in your life, he knows what you need, and he will provide it. We just can’t lose sight of the big picture.
One more thing… I attended this church in Ohio, and one Sunday, the pastor said “be wary of Christians who say they’ve never gone through anything, never had a storm in their life.” Without having to go thru any hard times, how can you mature spiritually… How can you get to that next level in your relationship with God? I know God now in ways I didn’t when I was in HS because I have gone through hard times, and managed to make to the other side. And I have spiritually matured because of it.
I don’t even know if I answered any of your questions, Slim, but these posts bring all kinds of things out of me…. And I like it!! lol.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
You did answer a question.lol. I asked if there were any other thoughts on this post. Your comment qualifies 110%
Reply
You’ll always be a heathen to me! ::Jokes:: Honestly, thanks for sharing this with everyone my dude. I can proudly attest to the change that I’ve seen in you these past few months.
See a lot of churches are like Soulja Boy – they make the people dance, but they’re not really saying anything.
I’m happy that you found a place where you feel comfortable, and more importantly, are learning something. It’s an inspiration for me to continue my daunting search for a place that makes my soul feel whole.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
“See a lot of churches are like Soulja Boy – they make the people dance, but they’re not really saying anything.”
Preacherman here we go. Go up there put on a show. Doesn’t matter what you know just go up there and let it flow. Now youuuuu…better run in place…youuuu bettah shout off your face…youuuu bettah raise ya hands. yoouuuuu
Idk why that came from my fingertips.
Reply
Sunny Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
LMAO. I cannot take that song
Reply
N.I.A. praying for her Haitian brothers and sisters Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
LMAO!! Exactly!!
Reply
Smiley Face Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
LMAO!!! iCan’t! LOL
Reply
ladycakes Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
LMAO!! That was truly ingenious. It really made my day
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 4:27 pm
Slim, I took a few seconds from my busy day at work today to say:
I can’t believe you just wrote that. I just about done died.
Reply
N.I.A. praying for her Haitian brothers and sisters Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
See a lot of churches are like Soulja Boy – they make the people dance, but they’re not really saying anything.
Perfect description of my home church. SMH….
Reply
Thank you for sharing this story. It takes a lot to be that honest and put it all out there like that.
I grew up in church, but when I hit my late teens and early twenties, I stopped going. I couldn’t make it make sense to me. I wanted to be spoken to, but instead I often ended up spoken about. I didn’t understand why so many felt the need to put on airs at church if we’re all there trying to receive the word.
I’m still working on building my relationship with God. I’m looking forward to reading the next part.
Reply
First off I’m feeling this miniseries ::e-daps:: can’t wait for pt.3
Secondly Pat Robertson has made me scared of church
Third, no he hasn’t. Eff Pat Robertson!
I recognize that there are crazies everywhere. I consider myself a spiritual person. I was raised in the church I know the word, love it but I am going to be very honest, I’m not going back to church unless we can openly and honestly talk about sex. I really and truly feel that sex should not be taboo in church.
Sex & spirituality are directly related in my eyes.
Reply
Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
The pastor at my new church I’ve been attending keeps promising he has a sermon on spiritual orgasms and the divine side of sex but people keep bringing their kids to the 8am service. He may have just said that to get more of us to 8am service but he caught my interest.
He is a tell it like it is man of God and I’m liking it. On World AIDS Day our second reading was from a paper that Haki Madhubuti wrote on how AIDS was created by the government and then he followed it up with a sermon on how Black people who claim to be people of God need to cut this homophobia BS out and stop acting like AIDS doesn’t affect them.
Reply
Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
January 14th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Dammit, consider me born again….
Thats wonderful, I hope his method of teaching is contagious and more pastor’s catch on.
Reply
wow, you have me crying my little eyes out here at work. great post.
i usually don’t even bother reading about anything that has to do with faith or religion. every time i’ve thought about going back to church something happens that just turns me off. i understand we shouldn’t let people turn us away, but it’s such a turn off to walk into a church and see the people that are supposed to teach and guide me go against what they’re saying. (do as i say not as i do). just can’t deal with it.
as far as my relationship with GOD, it doesn’t exist. i just can’t accept that GOD would let so much suffering go on, specially when it’s good people experiencing it. i lost my father to cancer when i was 6 and i’ve been bitter and questioning him ever since. 20 yrs later my mom is going thru the test to find out if she has it. i can not accept a GOD that would have her go thru this, i just can’t.
Reply
Slim it’s my first time reading this blog, and I can tell you that just from reading your entry and it striking such a cord, that I will be back for more. Thank VSB for the shoutout (that’s how I found ya)…
Back to the subject! I too had a traumatic situation occur to me when I was 13, and it involved me watching my youngest and “favorite” aunt die from HIV/AIDs. For years after that I questioned my relationship with God, and what his plans were for me. Watching someone you love being subjected to such pain, is one of the most painful and confusing things to have to endure.
I did continue going to church for years after that and listening intently to the sermon that was told each week in hopes of having my moment of clarity but to be honest it never came…to speak frankly it still hasn’t. I find myself in church (and the Kingdom Hall at my mother’s request) less and less each month. I go to church purely for the music as I love Gospel music and always have.
In response to “If not actively in any church, what types of things are keeping you from going? How do you think these experiences have affected your thoughts on faith up to this point in your life? Any other thoughts on just this part of the series that come to mind?”:
The main thing that keeps me from becoming a member at another church is that I don’t feel i am learning anything new. This scares me because I honestly think growing up in church helped mold me into the nice young lady I am today and I want that for my children but to be honest I’m not sure if I will want them to end up like me.
I decided last year that I wanted to read the Bible (from front to back) because I wanted to see for myself what was in it. I had always just taken what others saw in the Bible and accepted it as truth, which I learned later in life was not always a good idea. So I decided to take on that goal and I accomplished it. I’m not saying I understood it all but I did end up with a better understanding of the Bible. I am still working on my spiritual side and I pray daily and talk to God daily in hopes that I will find a way and that it will be pleasing to him. If I should find something along my journey that I think will be helpful to you I will definitely share, and hopefully you will share whatever else you find with all of your readers.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 16th, 2010 at 7:47 am
Thanks for the in-depth comment. I wrote this post just for people like you who have had similar experiences. Check the site out this coming next Thursday and you’ll get part 3 of the series. I’ll be talking more so about how I found a church and offering some advice to folks.
Reply
A friend’s fb status seemed appropriate for this thread…
Metaphysical totalitarianism of any kind stifles the freedom we have as human beings. It is not acceptable to have a religion where the alternative to faith is punishment — that’s how you train dogs, not develop people. Spirituality is only great when it allows that utmost freedom to follow it. If we suffer from difficulties, that is not holy retribution, and we should not allow it to create debilitating questions
Reply
I’ve never really had a struggle with having and/or keeping a relationship with God but I think that’s mainly because I grew up believing and have always went to the same church. But I have had the “why did this happen”, “who are these people who think they’re just super perfect-when they’re not” type of questions. But it was easy for me to get past them because I had a strong understanding of why I should get past them. However, I have struggled with people AT my church. I think other people can be the biggest obstacle in finding and keeping a relationship with God. I started getting ridiculously agitated and upset by some of the people in my church–which ended up making me withdrawl from congregating after church, staying for dinners, etc. BUT I then realized: I’m not there for other people. I’m there to get the good Word and use it in my life. So I speak to everyone after service and I leave. Your faith is just that-YOURS. But when I get frustrated with the pains and stresses of life, I read the Book of Job–he went through it all, and you learn your trials could be much worse!
Reply
Interesting read….very similiar to my process, but I find solace in being Agnostic. I admit that I don’t know, listen to both sides, but I have a gravitation for applied and observed science instead of “faith.” Faith doesn’t stop that bus from hitting you, physics does. I can’t live my life now concerned about how my life will be in the after…
Glad you found faith, bruh. At least you know you have instead of pretending.
Reply