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Family Ties
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Growing up, I always felt a little out of place in my family. I was the only dark skinned one; my eyes were different; my nose, a little bit bigger. Hair, not as soft and curly. Plus, my grandmother treated my brother and I differently, but I could never understand why.
When my mother resurfaced in my life after battling a drug addiction, she hit me with some knowledge that put things in perspective. She told me that my brother and I didn’t have the same biological father. I was thirteen when I found this out, so you can imagine the whirlwind I was in. I was a pubescent teen trying to adjust to living with my mom who I didn’t really know and two sisters who were born while she was gone. I felt deceived. The family I grew up with while my mother was gone didn’t share my bloodline. So were they still my family? I felt abandoned by mother’s family too. Did anyone try to reach out for me? Where was my biological father? Did he or his family even know I existed?
About 2 years later, after asking my mother questions she couldn’t answer, I met my father. I remember being all excited that my “daddy” was back in my life. (Gotta love the naiveté of youth.) I found out where my eyes came from, that I had two older siblings and even met his family. And as quickly as my father came into my life, he was gone.
After meeting and spending time with the people I shared genetic material with, I felt like things were going to fall into place. We would be one big happy family. But as time went on, I began to see what family was really made of — its not limited to those who look like you.
True, my father’s family are my relatives. And yes, we reached out to each other on and off since our first meeting. But there is always this underlying uneasiness that exists when we get together. Why? Despite us being family, we don’t know each other. We share physical traits, but not the subtleties that make you close to your family. We can’t sit and reminisce about times we did this, or when that crazy thing happened. We can’t think back to birthdays, fights, first days of school, struggles, victories, or daily routines that bind us together.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to create connections with them going forward. I didn’t really realize this until last Tuesday. I was on Facebook, and saw that my brother (my father’s son) requested me as a friend. As I looked at his wall, I saw that my sister was there too. I sent her a request and message, but was kinda nervous about it. After scrolling down a little bit further, I saw my father’s name and face. I don’t think there has been another moment in my life when so many emotions hit me at the same time. It was one of those moments that you anticipate, and think you can predict how you’ll react, but it plays out differently. I was angry, hurt, scared, excited, curious, anxious, uneasy, uncertain, confused…all while feeling a bit hopeful. The mature twenty-something reverted back to the child who yearned for her father.
After tossing and turning all night, I sent him a message. I feared being ignored or rejected by him again. Like a kid waiting for Christmas morning, I agonized all day over him responding. I couldn’t really concentrate on anything else. Eventually, he did respond. And so did my sister, aunts and cousins. I’m not expecting instant closeness with anyone because that’s just plain silly. But I am looking forward to the possibility of adding a new component to my family. If it happens, great. If not, I can’t say that I didn’t try.
What does family mean to you? Has there been a conflict between your biological family and/or the family you grew up with? If you have one, should having the other matter? Have you had to reach out to people and try to develop a connection seemingly out of nowhere? What were your expectations, worries, or concerns?
We may be family, but ain’t no Aretha Franklin over here,
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Hmm, because the Atlantic ocean separates the majority of my family (Nigeria and the United States/Canada) right now my “immediate family” is my mom, dad, brother, 2 sisters (with me in Albany), cousins with their mom and dad in Queens and then I have some immediate ones in Canada. That’s as immediate as my immediate family will get. Recently, my mom’s sister in Nigeria passed and if there was any family member back home that I remember, she was one that I did and loved because even overseas, she was always there for all of us. Okay even typing about her makes me cry.
But yeah, like you did, I found more family members with common last names on facebook but I was so nervous to add them…not knowing what to expect because I haven’t been back home since I left at 5 (15 years ago) so I feel someone was ready to judge me…
A part of me was wondering, “Well okay genius you’ve found all of these
clown assfamily members.. So what the hell are you gonna do now? Set up an international get together picnic? Sit your broke ass down Sue.” So I sat down. There’s nothing I could do but go on with my life. There’s nothing I could do to catch up with them. Most of my memories are with the ones I’ve been with for the 15 years of my life. Fake memories? Nah, when the time comes for all of us to get together again, #sukishrug it will.Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:29 am
“There’s nothing I could do but go on with my life. There’s nothing I could do to catch up with them.”
Exactly…I was putting this pressure on myself like there is something else to be done besides catching up, if that.
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“I’m not expecting instant closeness with anyone because that’s just plain silly. But I am looking forward to the possibility of adding a new component to my family.”
That’s just how I feel about my mom’s side of the family. She’s the youngest from a second marriage. All of her siblings are 20+ years older than her. They didn’t grow up together, so a bond never formed. It carried over to my brother and me. I’ve realized how much I missed out on, and we’re working to get closer to them. That side of the family tree is really big, so it will take a minute. Facebook helps a lot.
However, I’ve always been close to my dad’s side. He has an equally large family. My main problem has been we’re clannish. I didn’t want family to consume me, so I moved away. However, some situations made me realize family means a lot to me. Now I’m back closer to home and just deal with them in small doses.
A big eff ‘em goes to my maternal grandma’s siblings. Years ago there was a bond, but they broke it. They just went AWOL when my grandma was her sickest, and we needed their love the most. It hurt my mom and me a lot, but my real family was there for us. We didn’t see those others again until the funeral four years later. My mom is able to be cordial with her maternal relatives. They’re dead to me. Sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water and family can mean nothing.
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So in my dad’s family (including him & us) my grandma has 4-boys, 13 grandchildren (only 4 are boys) and we’re between 32 and 17 years old. We all live in the same city. That being said one would think we’d be close, that couldn’t be farther from the truth…
To start there’s religion to an extent (yeah religion can apparently tear apart families too). One uncle decided to become Muslim (although he waited 20-odd years to practice more than the polygamy aspect of it). He already had a son who was being raised Christian when my uncle made the decision to become Muslim, and since my cousin’s mom decided their son could not be raised Muslim, but could decide once he was older my uncle basically disowned him until HIS ONLY SON decided to learn about Islam…and when he decided to return to Christianity their relation reverted until my uncle had a near death experience 5-years ago, but the damage was done. My cousin was in his late 20’s and the desire for a father was gone.
As for the other kids my uncle fathered they’ve grown up with the belief that “Grandma doesn’t like us because we’re Muslim.” They think that way because my grandmother and uncle had a very strained relationship when they were small, she didn’t disagree with Islam but my uncle’s womanizing—because that’s what it was, he amassed 3 or so baby mamas in 5-years and didn’t actually provide for or parent any of his children. And this is just one example of the drama that as impaired my family.
My grandmom had high expectations of her sons. My grandfather (and his family) vanished before their boys were in pre-school and so she expected her sons to do better and when they didn’t she didn’t handle it well—or with any sympathy at all. In some cases she didn’t step in where she could’ve trying to force her son(s) and their significant others to step up for their own children. And in other cases my grandmom did go hard on some of my cousins for “acting like their fathers/mothers.” My grandma has never been milk and cookies, and so many of my cousins blame her and take the spite out on us, for what has or hasn’t happened in their lives.
My dad and uncles all battled with alcoholism, drug addiction and plain self-pity. They’re “better” now but their kids are grown, this is to say we were raised by our respective mothers and some of us did better than others in that area. And that’s not surprising, my uncles were in bad places and they attracted like people to have children with.
My sister, brother, two cousins and I are or soon will be college educated. We have certain salaries, certain lifestyles, certain travel experiences. We speak “white” according to certain cousins, uncles and aunts, etc. Only one our set has children and he was 30 before he had his first and that makes him “better, arrogant, standoffish” in their minds…that along with the fact he had a wedding reception well before a baby shower made some of our other cousins very crabs in barrel-ish. We’re spoiled and favored, by our grandmother, especially.
We’re family and I pray so much for us to be closer and forgive but there’s so much jealousy and hate it seems between us that sometimes it’s better that we don’t recognize each other on the street.
The funny/sad thing is strained family situations like yours Miss Jenkins (and mine) create a whole ‘nother kind of family/connection themselves! GOOD POST AND I HOPE FOR THE BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR DAD.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Helluva comment. Thanks for sharing!
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I’ve been second-handedly reaching out to my AWOL (convict) father through my mother. I used to resent his letters from jail when I was a pre-teen because he would talk so much about how he missed me and loved me and my adolescent mind couldn’t fathom someone having those feelings for their child but not being able to transfer them into action.
Now at 24 I feel like I SHOULD reach out to him and have the gut feeling that I have some sibling(s) floating around out there somewhere, but I’m really unsure as to how to do it. My mom & godmother have obtained his info a few times over the past few years and my mother has spoken to him a couple times but I really just don’t know how to call him dad when he hasn’t been one for over a decade. It also makes it difficult when he doesn’t know how to maintain his freedom (smh).
It’s hard to make connections to biological family that hasn’t also been “involved & present” family. You’re perception of family is based primarily on experience, which makes the introduction of strangers “posing” as family quite difficult, no matter how bad you/they want that connection to exist.
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Good Post! I’ve definitely been through certain struggles dealing with my father. Interestingly enough I have always had close relations with his side of the family. I would even say I have closer ties with his side of the family than my mother’s, even though my mother raised me.
Most recently, I realized how angry I still am about everything with my father. He was never absent, but he was never there for me the way he should have been. Sometimes he would be available and other times, he wouldn’t. He was just plain unreliable for no reason.
Now when I was graduating from law school, he decided that was the time to try to become “closer” to me and that ish pissed me off. It still pisses me off b/c I’m getting angry just typing these words. I only had 4 tickets for my law school graduation ceremony and I did not give him one. He still showed up with his family and bought dinner for everyone, but I went back and forth about whether I wanted him there. This is a man who never wanted me and made it clear numerous times and even tried to kill my mother when she was pregnant with me just because he did not want to take responsibility. His evil ways continued as I got older. I really thought I was passed all that until he was trying to come around and behave as if he played a major part in my success. He was the same person who when I graduated from undergrad said he didn’t even expect me to graduate from high school let alone college.
This fool had the nerve to ask what last name I put on my degree. I told him “my last name,” which because of him is not the same as his. I spoke to my mother about it and she tells me to forgive and it’s soooo hard. I’m usually very forgiving, and I typically don’t hold grudges, but this is one that I can’t seem to let go, no matter how much I pray or attempt to “deal” with it.
It’s weird b/c his family has always been close to me and I think that is what has helped my relationship with my father. If I couldn’t depend on him, I could depend on one of his brothers or his sister. I’m pretty close to some of my cousins on his side. One of my cousins just came to visit me this past weekend. My mother’s side of the family is a bit more distant. They always seem to act funny for no apparent reason. No matter how I’ve tried they always seem to maintain their distance, so I have just given up. I don’t really see them as family. I think maybe it’s cultural because my dad is Nigerian and they seem to view family differently, than my mother’s family that is Liberian. I don’t know, but I know that my father’s family seems to hold together tight no matter what happens and my mother’s family does not.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Yeah, anger was definitely the first emotion on my list. Carried it around for a long while, but I felt like it was unproductive for me. I was spending mad energy on him that he wasn’t spending on me. I did a lot of praying and tried to find what was under the anger…years later I found that it was hurt and disappointment.
Maybe having a real funky conversation with him may help?
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What an interesting post. This is an issue that I struggle with at times. I grew up in what appeared to be a “normal” family; parents still married with two kids – me and my little sister. Except that I had three other siblings (from my mother’s previous relationships) living in Trinidad that I was raised to regard as my brothers and sister but who I really didn’t know. Eventually my older sister came to Canada and I got to know her but the relationship was always fraught and we are not close at all.
Most people who know me think I only have one sister; the little one. She’s the one I talk about, who comes around, who is in all my pictures on facebook. The others? I don’t know – yes technically they are my family but are they really? These brothers that I’ve seen only maybe 3 times in my life – and whose children I don’t know…I struggle to figure out what their place is in my life.
It’s a sad thing, I think, to feel ambivalent in this way about your family.
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My family is close knit, physically but not emotionally.. we’re not affectionate people and to a stranger to our home, you’d be shocked at how we talk to eachother. I call my mama goofball or ninja sometimes… but it’s all love.
As an adult (I was older than 21), I found out that I have an older sister by my dad. My parents are still married and evidently, just kept this tidbit of info away from us all our lives. I met her once and between her stifling smell of cigarette smoke, and heard warnings from my daddy’s mama to keep her away from us because she’s a bad kid, I have never had a real interest in reaching out to her.
My family are those that I know and have been raised with.
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I got a couple of half brothers and a half sister. I don’t chat with them very often, but we don’t have any types of hostilities toward each other. They’re just much older than me and have families of their own. I did realize that I need to get better at keeping in touch. I had a nephew born like 4 months ago and I didn’t even know the child’s name until around Xmas time. These are the type of things I didn’t think about before, but as I get older I find them to be more unacceptable on my behalf. I’ve got some work to do in this area.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Yeah, I have of nieces and nephews too…don’t know them. Maybe I’ll get them some cute little university hoodies to make myself feel better.
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, 3 shots couldn't drop me, I took em and smiled Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Don’t waste your time…they’re all crumbsnatchers I tell ya!
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My father showed up in my life for a summer and then later for 2 weeks when I was about 7. I haven’t seen him since.
He lives in Palo Alto, CA, or he did in 2003 when I visited San Francisco. He promised to take me to dinner, after asking me never to call his house again. I refer you to the last sentence in the first paragraph.
My mom is the youngest of 14. She has 7 brothers and 6 sisters and they all have kids, and most of the kids have kids. Needless to say, I have more than enough family. Plus, my dad only had one sister who died in a car accident when I was younger and his dad died before I was born, so I didn’t really miss out on his family. His mother always wanted to get to know me but my mother put the brakes on that. She had her reasons, I assume.
Anywho, when I was 14 one of my cousins introduced me to two of my 7 half-sisters (one of whom happened to be her best friend; ironic, I know). She said she thought I knew about them (though, I think she knew I didn’t). For about 3 months the two sisters and I kept in touch. I haven’t spoken to one of them since I was 16 and the other and I keep in touch off and on (more off than on).
The crazy thing was growing up I always wanted older sisters. I never wanted younger siblings — but you know, if you don’t have older ones you don’t get older ones. It’s nice knowing I have them, but it hasn’t panned out the way I’d hoped. Even still, I’ve got hella cousins who’ve acted as older siblings most my life anyway. I think the only void that hasn’t been and can’t be filled by a surrogate is that of my father. But what can you do? ::shrug::
I’ve thought of reaching out to him again, but I’m not sure I could do so effectively. At this point, I just want to scream and that would get us nowhere.
You ask what family means… I think that can vary from person to person, but I think about how a friend’s son calls me “aunt” and he feels like a nephew to me; meanwhile, my half-sister has 2 kids who she always reminds I am their aunt, but they don’t feel like nieces and nephews to me… I think family is way more than blood — there has to be a connection, a relationship, shared experiences, etc…
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Reecie Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 9:58 am
yeah my older cousin Keith is like the brother I always wanted. And because our mothers are twins (even though they are fraternal) people tell us all the time we look like brother and sister anyway.
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ASmith Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:01 am
I grew up with one of my cousin’s who’s only 4 months younger than me. We really were like brother and sister, but as we got older he started changing. I can’t stand to be in his presence now which saddens me.
Many of my older cousins are significantly older. Like old enough to be my mom older, but there’s still a sibling feel and I appreciate it. The only downside is that they still treat me like I’m 12… that’s only helpful when they start giving me money…
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Reecie Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:54 am
yeah I have a younger cousin that’s exactly 7 mos younger than me and we were raised like sisters kinda. Its funny because we are TOTAL opposites but that’s my boo. and another boy cousin a yr younger than her, so the three of us spent a lot of time together as children. I kinda get sad that I’ll never have “nieces and nephews’ in the traditional sense since I was raised as an only child–and consider myself one but I love my little second cousins like they are nieces and nephews.
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Man I feel you on this post. I’ve gone through very similar experiences as it relates to family. I’m the darkest one in my family too and I’m not close to my mother or my father. But now as a not quite 25 yr old I’m trying to have that relationship with a woman who never existed in my life. I think the hardest thing with trying to build relationships with distant family members is trying to expect for the relationship to be normal. I think the first step is just trying to build a relationship period, then maybe a friendship, and just let it grow from there. And if you realize it’s not worth it, you haven’t gotten your hopes up.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 10:07 am
Well put. Its like you reach for something that you think should be there, but it will only come with the same work and time that your true family connections did. Problem is that now, we’re all grown. People get stuck in their ways, which may make the connection hard to get. Good luck!
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My biological father has other children older than me and grandchildren I believe that I’ve never met. At this point in my life I really don’t have a desire to meet them, especially since he’s not a part of my life at all anymore. I sometimes dream about this awkward reunion that will take place at his funeral but the truth is I probably wouldn’t even find out about it until after the fact anyway.
Family to me means the ones that care about you and vice versa. I’m somewhat close to my immediate family on my mother’s side but we could be closer. We will always have each others back though–and my friends I always say they are “the family that you choose” so I’m rich with ‘family’ extremely blessed.
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I found out that my Daddy wasnt really my daddy when I an evil mysterious step sister said “you know he is my daddy and not yours.” I might have been 11. Well THAT opened the door to a number of issues I guess you could say. Turns out my biological father is/was a dude I had met but didnt know he was my dad…my sister and I have the same biological father, while my younger brother and my step sister have the same biological father. My mother was young and my biological father was a not cutting it so she packed us up and took us to NY never to return to him. The biological father I dont know much about and I dont care to know much about judging from the interactions that I have had with him. I am better off not having a relationship with him. Harsh feelings? Nah just reality bc the other 10 kids outside of my sister and myself that do have a relationship with him would rather they didn’t. When I met him and he was like yeah I am your dad..I was like well at least I know where I get this curly hair from, an also why I am the brownest of my siblings at home. I do not have any hostilities toward any of the other children. They all seem really cool. They all found me on facebook…how funny is that? Even being adopted with name change they still found me. (Finding out you were adopted is a trip by the way.) We keep in touch it is really odd bc we are all REALLY close in age there are some instances where there is not even a YEAR between us. lol
My daddy who I have always known and loved makes no issue that I am not biologically his. Family is who you love and who love you back. He has always been that for me and that will never change. All the siblings I have gained in the last year or so they are family and I doubt that I will be as close to them as I am to my siblings I grew up with but they are still family. My sister has a harder time with everything bc she tries to be close to everyone and really can you be close to like 10 siblings that live between 2 and 3 states that you didnt know until you were grown? I do not think so but I do support her in her efforts. I need to do better I guess and “care” more but it is really hard when I never felt like there was anything missing before, this is all added bonus..I have a hard enough time keeping up with the huge family we have already now I have 10 siblings their kids and significant others to add to the bunch. But the more I think about it there are people who never know their families so I should count myself blessed that I know them and that we are on good terms.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:33 am
Yeah word, keeping up with family is mad work, especially when you are not totally invested in them…
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This is a strange topic for me. Many of my family members live in the same projects. I didnt really know that some of the people that I just thought I was friends with was cousins and some of the people that I thought were my cousins were just my friends. My family is full of dead beat dads (minus my pops). Every single one of my uncles was a dead beat dad so even though they may reside in the same neighborhood as their own children, they didnt treat them as their kids.
Also, there are cousins on both my moms and pops side that I barely know. I think most of it is a product of me always being busy playing sports, in schools far from the hood and doing the grinding at work thing. Thats the only reason that would explain how my brother knows them and have known them for years where I do not.
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Great post home skillet.
My Pop’s biological father left him and his siblings when they were young. The only memory I have of my “grandfather” are of him on his death bed and then his funeral. I can remember glimpses of an American flag draped over his casket and then it being folded ceremoniously as rifles fired methodically. The flag was then passed to my aunt as his casket was lowered six feet into the ground surrounded by familiar and unfamiliar weeping faces.
My aunt, my father’s older sister, has kept in touch with that side of the family and my father has just begun to really accept that they exist. He’s propositioned me to go with him to South Carolina and meet them all.
What’s weird to me is even though I wasn’t the one who my “grandfather” left, I still feel uncomfortable about meeting this brand new family. I’ve heard that we share similar physical and expressive traits, but I’m still apprehensive. I’m sure I will end up meeting them all and being there for my Pops as he, and I, deal with it all.
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Toni Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:12 am
“My Pop’s biological father left him and his siblings when they were young. The only memory I have of my ‘grandfather’ are of him on his death bed and then his funeral.”
First time I saw my paternal grandfather was in a casket due to the same situation. I never met any of his relatives, so now I just assume all the people with the same last name are kin. Don’t want to end up dating a cousin (that almost happened).
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Seattle Washington Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Yeah, I’ve actually steered clear of anybody with the last name “Washington”. Especially one’s from the South. Not worth the risk.
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Smiley Face Reply:
January 19th, 2010 at 11:54 am
LOL…that’s like me and my family with “the eyes”. First question we ask is “who are your people?” I have a HUGE, HUGE family with strong genes.
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Family ties are funny to me. I have 2 older sisters that seem to disown me and “never speak to me again” every time we have a disagreement. To me, they are only familly because of the blood relation and not bcuz they would die for me and vice versa. I mean, I grew up with these ppl but because my family is so dysfunctional, we don’t know how to love each other unconditionally very well. More like when convenient. I feel a lot closer to my neices and nephews and some of my cousins more than my own siblings. My mother’s oldest child (some might call my brother, but I wouldn’t know it) has been in prison most of my life and we have no relationship, not even a love/hate or hate/hate one. I probably would be more forgiving and loving of these people were it somewhat of a two-way street. I mean, there isn’t even a sidewalk or bike path going the opposite direction on our street. If I try to reach out to them (and have innumerously throughout life), I just kinda get the cold shoulder. It’s what we do I guess. They’re my family, but what’s that really mean anyway? I didn’t choose it so I can’t choose “not it”. But I guess I’ve submitted to loving them from a distance until they grow up (and I’m the baby). I guess maybe deep down, I’m looking forward to that day. But on the outside, the road is closed due to construction; please use detour.
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good post. i also believe there are things besides genetic makeup that makes one family. although i grew up with my mother and father together my father did have other children outside of marriage. i didn’t find this out until my early teens.
at first i was excited about possibly meeting my older sister (by about a year). i already had a sister but she is almost 10 years older than me so i really look to her as more of a mother figure rather than a sister. eventually i found out that i may have 2-3 half siblings somewhere out in this world. being that i already have 3 brothers and a sister, i’m really good on meeting any new brothers or sisters.
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Good post! I really feel your pain. After my parent’s split, I lost my closeness w/ my dad’s family. I have little cousins that I don’t know that well, and some I haven’t seen since they were babies (they’re teenagers now).
the older cousins have taken charge and have been scheduling regular potlucks at a family member’s house. My grandmother also has a party/cabaret every five years for her birthday. This year marks 85, so we’ll get together for that. I love them, but still don’t feel all that close to them. Facebook is bringing us together though.
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My (half) sister said three very profounds words to me one day that changed my whole perspective on relationships with friends and family. What she was “people are people”. I was puffin’ the magic dragon at the time so I just blew it out like my smoke, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense to me, and for better or worse that’s how I operate. I’ve got a half bro and sis that I’ve never met, a half brother that doesnt talk to me, two half sisters that love me to death but they can’t manage to get along sometimes…that’s just on pops side. On my moms side I have a brother and sister that I try to keep in touch with, but half the time I know the first 2 mins of the conversation are gonna be “You know could call more often right?” … To which I usually respond “Wha happen yuh finga dem bruk?” (Someone that lives in Flatbush, please translate for everyone else, thanks)
The interesting dynamic about my “immediate” family is that all my siblings are a good 20 years older than me and I didnt grow up hanging out w/ any of them, or my 1st cousins for that matter. I never knew too many on my mom’s side of the family, and my mother didn’t really want me around my 2nd cousins etc too much, cuz according to her, my 1st cousins etc don’t know how to raise children (true story). As far as aunts go, I made efforts to reach out when I first came to college, but none of my efforts were reciprocated, so guess what? That’s right, I keep it movin.
My folks always encourage me to reach out to family more, but the way I see it, I’ve made it this far without them, why change course now? And besides, if they wanna holla, they can get my number.
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All of my siblings are my half siblings but i dont buy into that half shyt. I grew up with them in the same household. those are my siblings period!!
My dads side of the family all had internal rifts and they are all estranged from one another. To the point that his own brothers dont know that he’s passed on. I actually consider myself the last of my clan from his side. Its a shame too because I always have a desire to knwo about that side of my family in detail, but their issues kept them apart. This is why I tell ppl dont let family sh*t tear you apart. Sometimes life’s bigger than that.
Good post Mocha Latte
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Ugh family. I have my fair share of issues when it comes to fam. Funny thing is, the people I’m closest to and on whom I rely the most are not related to me. Some of ‘em aren’t even the same race.lol People like to throw that word, “family,” in your face all the time…but most of them don’t even know what it really means, what it entails, and have no idea how to play the part. I just can’t feed into the triflin games that some of them play.
Here’s an example: I moved to NY and my apt wasn’t ready yet, so I, regrettably, ended up staying with a cousin for a couple nights. I knew it’d be a bad idea, but hey…it’s family, right? So when my apt was ready, I thanked her for her hospitality and told her to come over anytime. I sent her messages every now and again, telling her I’ve been busy at work but that she should stop by one day. I either got no reply or “yeaaa, I will!” Meanwhile, I hear from my fam in Miami and they say that my cousin been talking smack. Apparently, she knew that once I got my apt, she’d never see me again. And that since I’ve gotten what I needed, she hasn’t heard from me. Oh and I also apparently don’t like her mother, whom I’ve only met once in my life but by whom I’ve been cursed out twice. (How does that make sense?) This is so, even though I’ve never had a conversation with her about her mother. Did I mention that all the parties involved are over 30, except me? Who plays these games? I feel like I’m in highschool when I’m dealing with them.
So yea…I have an issue with family. Well, my family, at least. My mom keeps telling me that since I’m the younger one, I should be the one to maintain the relationships and what not. iRefuse. The responsibility should not be on me—especially, when those older than I are less mature and just triflin. Like you, Tiff, I’m now friends with them on facebook. But I’m okay with that being the extent of our contact. After all, they say wounds made by fam cut the deepest. I’m just tryin not to get cut.
Hmm…what does all this say about me?lol
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Wow, reading the post and then the responses really made me appreciate my own family. I have 1 sister who is 8 years older than me, and throughout our lives, if we ever had a disagreement that lasted more than 5 minutes our Dad would tell us “You only have each other” so we always squashed whatever we were upset over. I’ve lived with both my mother and fathers side of the family at different points in my life and I can truly say I was never treated badly by anyone. I was just talking to a childhood friend from Jamaica about how even thought I didn’t grow up with my mom, I never missed her as a child because I always had a maternal figure, and she agreed. That’s not to say we don’t love our mothers, both her and I moved to the US at 11 to live with our moms, but Aunts and Grandmothers took on the roles and did a very good job of filling any void there may have been.
Family definitely isn’t defined by blood alone, my grandmother took in a child her husband (no relations to me) had out of wedlock and raised her as a daughter. I also had an Aunt who took in multiple nieces and nephews to live with her so they could attend the private school she taught at. At the end of the day I always wished I had a bigger family, right now its pretty much, my Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother in law, and Nieces. I figure if I ever want a big family I will probably have to birth them.
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