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The Black Incredible Hulk
Remember this guy?
The previous post on when keeping it real goes wrong was a winner. We read the story of an extremely angry and volatile woman attempting to physically layeth the smack down upon a man over a parking space then finding out the hard way the meaning of equal opportunity. I’ve decided to stay with the theme of aggression and rage. There were so many comments and suggestions of violence that I thought this would be the perfect time to present my list of things that turn me into the Black Incredible Hulk. This is not to be confused with the post on things that piss me off. These are things that make me have to replace my jeans and shirts or run into a rest room to hide. These are things that cause pure rage.
Coming home to find out that the food I was looking forward to eating was eaten by someone else.
Yeah. I mentioned this in my only child post. That didn’t do it justice. I’ve gotten home before and looked in my fridge only to find the critical food item gone or depleted. I storm past housemates to my bedroom not because I’m too timid to say anything, but because I’m scared of what I’ll become and the money it’ll cost to get those blood stains removed from the carpet.
Being extremely hungry then eating food that doesn’t taste good.
Eff eating to live. I live to eat thang things that taste good. A scientist once triggered my inner Hulk. He strapped me to a table for 6 to 8 hours then fed me something bland. Unfortunately for him, the arm straps weren’t tight enough.
Catching a significant other snooping through my stuff.
One time I looked in my bedroom window from outside (another story for another day) and saw my GF at the time going through my instant messenger conversations looking for the unicorn. Next thing you know I was 8 feet tall and walking through the door to my room sideways to preserve the doorframe. Before she could look up from the chair she was sitting in, she was a 140-145 pound bundle of fear joy flying through the air.
Seeing a sketchy text message/call in a significant other’s phone.
Not snooping when shorty ain’t around cuz I know that’s what folks are thinkin’, but hearing her phone go off at an obscure hour then handing it to her only to see “JJ” on the screen with his shirt off. Never knew I could crush a phone with my bare left hand and I now refuse to look at a chick’s phone as a result.
And I’m right handed.
Constructive criticism I didn’t ask for.
This one doesn’t need much explaining. All I gotta say is that I created the human pretzel.
Losing.
I hate losing. I’m the sorest loser in the world. Teasing me about the loss is a death wish. It’s like poking a rottweiler with a stick, ‘cept they can’t body you from behind the fence. I’d just run through it. I’m also the juggernaut…bitch.
So these are just a few of the situations where I turn into the Black Incredible Hulk. There may be a part 2. But for now, what turns you into the Hulk? Once again, not things that irk you. These are things that conjure up your inner rage. Let’s have some fun!
Baby, there’s something you don’t know about me,
52 Responses to “The Black Incredible Hulk”
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GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!! yes I gotta co sign this joint…
the eating of food is one of the biggest problems me and the hubby have. He loves to eat some shyt I put in the refrigerator. His excuse is always, “well you dont always eat everything you put in there” why not ask? hell we live together AND work in the same building……and after a long day dealing with middle management bs and I come home and my shyt is gone? let me calm down im pissed off just thinking about it!!!!
and bad food especially now that I am trying to lose weight? i have wasted all my allotted calories on some bULL SHYT? you wont like me when im angry….
constructive criticism is fine if its constructive and if I have ASKED FOR I T! otherwise shut yo a$$ up…..
my other trigger is a mofo that runs off at the mouth all da time and then get to crying foul when you cuss that a$$ out….especially an old nice nasty a$$ chick…
or when you question a process, procedure at work and white people “why are you so argumentative” oh the angry black person card makes me want to show them what real anger is…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 9:35 am
The people at work stuff can be reckless. I turn into the Hulk when people default to me for hip hop questions as well.
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1. Being hungry and knowing I can’t eat in more than 15 minutes.
2. People’s bad/ screaming/ hyper kids in a movie or a restaurant (anywhere were it should be quiet).
3. Loud people in the movie theatre.
4. Someone cutting me off/ taking a parking space/ cutting me in line
5. A person unnecessarily sh*tting on my hope or dream.
6. Anyone taking my stuff without asking.
7. Passive aggressive sneaky throat punches. (if you want to punch me, please be upfront with it).
8. Cheaters
9. Weak women
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ok, so i’m going to preface this by saying: i usually have a lot of patience, and people have rarely seen me upset. however, i can think of three things that will cause the dark side to come out:
1. Verbal or physical attack on me – So basically, if someone came at me wrong, or said some shady $&)# about me, i’m going to defend myself. no, i’m not talking about when people gossip, then i go out of my way to find the source. if confronted face-to-face, though, i’d raise my voice, and prob say things that would really hurt that person’s spirit. As far as physical attacks, like I said in the last post, i haven’t been in a fight yet, however, if push comes to shove, i’d be ready to throw down. I feel like my 25 years of pent up aggression would be on some Vybz Kartel, Last Man Standing tip.
2. Verbal or physical attack on my family or friends – Same as above, if someone attacked my family or friends, whether i’m there or not (yes, i will let the offender know how i feel when i see them again), that “too cute to fight” thing will go straight out the window.
3. Sister’s bad attitude and/or “red handed” tendencies – Nothing pisses me off more than when I find that my sister took something (like clothes or makeup) without asking me first. Sometimes I have to take a pause to collect myself in order to not wild out and do something crazy. And to top it off, she has the nerve to catch an ill attitude for no reason whenever she feels like it. i don’t know why it bothers me so much, but my whole thing is, if you are going to use my ish or go on trips with me for FREE, etc etc, then there is no need to be rude unless there is a valid reason.
So, these are my 3 hulk-inducing situations. Many of the things you mentioned, Slim, are things that may annoy me, but won’t make me want to hurt someone.
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As I said yesterday, I have never turned into a hulk. I get mad sure. I get pissed. But I’ve never been pushed to be this angry.
Wait… well once I punted my roommate’s cat. I baked a cake for a close friend of mine who’s best friend had just passed away. I wanted to cheer him up. I go into the kitchen and see that the top of my cake had been picked at. Like someone just tore little pieces off the top. Instantly I just knew my roommate’s janky ass cat did it. And I hate cats. I picked him up and punted him (No Vick). She came screaming and was like “what happened?” I told her, and she was like “Oh! I did that! I just wanted a taste but then I couldn’t stop. Sorry.”
It took a lot for me not to punt her.
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CHeeKZ McPuuurrrrrrrr Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 9:12 am
hmmm… I’m getting lost with all the names of people? It wasn’t Miss Jenkins Cat was it? Cause that Ninja is mad cool, he completely changed my opinions on cats as a species.
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JG* Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 9:15 am
LOL @ McPurrrrrrr
No… I actually don’t know Miss Jenkins although I’m sure she’s completely awesome. With a completely awesome cat. (If that’s possible)
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RightCoastLexSteele, Not Normally Violent Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 10:06 am
She’s nowhere near awesome.
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JG* Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am
LOL your ways of flattery and complimenting are so unique.
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as a fellow only child, the first one sooo resonates with me! I actually got into it once with my stepdad for eating my food from a restaurant once. A RESTAURANT! which means I paid for it! ugh. he pissed me off so bad! I really wanted to ask him for some money, but I was living there rent free so I sucked it up.
The second one I agree with as well, I hate eating food that doesn’t taste good. and criticism I didn’t ask for.
another would have to be loud children/people talking on the plane. if I only I could turn around and bitch slap them…..
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Shaking my head about 1 and 6 being about me. Sorry Rich, Ill try harder to be a better freind.
1)Dear E-boos of the world, don’t eat Slim’s food…. its not worth it.
2)One time Rich was my ride to and from a freindly basketball game between housemates. I missed the game winning shot………. edit: He was my ride to the game.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 9:34 am
hahaha. About #1, that has been multiple people in my life Cheekz. About #6, that house bball game and the Cosep bball game sent trash cans flying. I f*ckin hate losing. That’s prolly part of the reason I don’t gamble.
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Cosign on the eating of my food. Definite way to get fought!
1) I hate when people lie to me and its obvious.. or try to pull the wool over my eyes as if I can’t tell they’re bullshyttin. Its like..how stupid do you think I am?
2)Stupid drivers. Maybe its the NY in me, but when people make stupid moves on the road, create traffic, or come THIS close to causing an accident, I go CRAZY!
3) Coworkers who constantly look over your shoulder at your computer screen. What the eff is so interesting on my screen? Mind YOURS! Like, I seriously want to slam my laptop down and be like “YES?!!”
Cant think of anything else now, lol
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D Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
ooommmmggg…the coworkers staring at your comp screen is THE MOST ANNOYING THING EVERRRR!!!
Like…wtf are you looking at?! I could see your damn reflection Fewl! Aaaargh!
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1. NOT TIPPING – how you can afford a 30 dollar meal, but only tip the server 2 dollars or if at all. You stupid.
2. Lying about stupid stuff that you going to get caught in – Why you acting like you bought your house when we can go on the property site and see you renting it.
3. Fakeness/phoniness/keep up with appearances – why you telling people you dont go to the club but you be all up in there drunk as hell shaking your ass at least 2 times a month. Why you act like your relationship is the spit when he don’t even come home..
4. Being a tattletale – stfu and mind your business
5. Eating with your mouth open – Why you a grown ass man in ruth chris steak house eating and windmilling food out your mouth like a food processor
6. Braggers- they want you to hate, and when you dont hate, still get mad..wtf..STFU..who cares that you got a motorcycle …you STILL LIVE AT HOME
7. 2 minute men…enough said
8. Natural hair wearers who don’t maintain it…that spit look like if you light a match to it it will catch afire, a lil oil don’t hurt, gel, grease ANYTHING
9. Long butt acrylic nails…Everytime I see them I think of Freddy Kruger scratching the chalk board…take them spits off
10. People who think they are better than others cause they got a degree or 2…like other people can’t go to school and get a degree or 2, its not rocket science. Some of the dumbest people I know at howard graduated with honors..eff outta here. You aint better than no one so STFU
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JG* Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 9:54 am
About #1… God Bless You… I hate people who can’t tip. Ugh. Our people are so good for this.
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TRUE Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 10:12 am
girl i be embarrased to be seen with them people. I usually go back and tip the person out of embarassment…ugh
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Cheekie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Too much co-signing for my own good on number 1. I always think about this huge 15-party table at a Catonese/Japanese/Thai hybrid buffet. They all hightailed their butts outta there, then when the waitress goes to the table to pick up the bill and tip, she yells, “A whole dolla!!”.
WTF, I practically got whiplash from turning over there to see who in their right mind could to that. Seriously?!
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Men who get mad cause I dont want to continue our conversation – after a few drinks…i really turn into she hulk..GET OUT MY FACE. I told you 3 times, I DONT WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND, No you can’t facebook me..BYE
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1. People that cut me off in traffic for no reason.
2. People at work that ask stupid and obvious questions.
3. Women that talk baby talk.
4. People that ask “how tall are you” and then turn around and ask “oh, do you play basketball?”
Last week the only think that kept me from turning into the Hulk when my friend took the BIG PIECE OF CHICKEN that I cooked, in my own kitchen, was that my mother was there. Then she had the never to not eat the whole thing and made the comment “I guess my eyes were bigger than my stomach”.
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LOL…
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1. when people ask me something more than twice when I’ve answered them the first two times. my friends in college had a running joke about this college. At the third time I’m screaming cursing and up in your face.
2. when I’m hungry. I’m the chick that can’t go more than two to three hours with out something to snack on or eat. And don’t let hunger pains set in. my SO last year experienced this when we went to Austin. I went 7 hours without eating, my body starts doing things and I am not the same person.
That’s really all. I have an uncanny ability to ignore people who annoy me, and since I have a kid, screaming, acting up and crying are tuned out lol.
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Reecie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
I agree with all of these!
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1. any type of smacking – there’s just no reason you can’t keep your mouth closed
2. people who needn’t tell me what to do, tryna tell me what to do – excuse you, but who are you? please don’t be taken aback by the attitude that you are about to receive. thanks.
3. awful music/singing being misconstrued as great music/singing – a la the dream. yea, he’s entertaining, but please stop…he’s awful.
4. micromanagers
5. ppl who crave attention by pretending they don’t crave attention then becoming upset because they’re not receiving the attention they supposedly don’t want.
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TRUE Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 10:29 am
LOL @ NUMBER 5
And i hate gum chewing…i dunno…its stupid
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:02 am
gum chewing is actually the worst. i literally get goosebumps. i begin to cringe and make funny movements. ppl think i have a twitch or something.lol my bf thinks it’s ridiculous. whatev.
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Being from NYC – a part where the Asian culture rules – walking from the train station to my house turns me into Hulkie.
1. They move. so. damn. slow. Walking slow and then have the nerve to cut into your direction of traffic and stop your good foot movement.
2. They spit and nose blow [not blow into a tissue, but put their finger on one nostril and blow out the other] in whatever direction they please, even if it is in your personal box of space.
3. When on the train they feel the need to squeeze into a space that is only big enough for a toddler. And say nothing, not an excuse me nor a sorry.
Flushing turns me into hulkie.
*if anyone is @ all offended, I do apologize but THESE DAMN MO-FOS MAKE ME HULKIE.
OH and people who speak onto their cell phones so loud that everyone can hear their convo in crowded spaces, AND people who speak LOUDLY to one another in their native language. Makes me so hulkie.
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TRUE Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Right
why when people are speaking their native language they do it 17 times louder than normal talking
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ill take it a step further….how about one of your co-workers ate your food?
I have a schedule…I get to work, eat my breakfast – cereal. Now I keep my cereal in my desk but I put my milk in the fridge in the break room…WITH my name on it. One day, I was really craving my Honey Bunches of Oats and I go to the fridge and someone drank/used half of my milk. I almost lost it. Like who the eff does that! What is your thought process? I wish I would have walked in when they used it! BOY!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:04 am
I actually went into the kitchen at work last week to make a sandwich and found that someone had used 4-6 slices of my bread…which left me with the crappy ends of the loaf. I felt my veins start popping out so I scurried into the bathroom til I cooled off. I had to fight hard to not be the angry black man.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:04 am
and this is why i love working in a hotel. i can just walk to our employee cafeteria and use their milk and everything else…fa free! hrmm…actually let me go…i hear there’s a full breakfast in there today.
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I dont have time to draft a list but I might go Chris Brown on the next person who decides that they want to get witty and slip in that i got swine flu, cause I’m sneezing…For the last time It’s allergies…you’re not witty sit down!!!
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ashbunnie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:09 am
or the people who make comments like “you’re eating bacon? you’re gonna get the swiney flu”.
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TRUE Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:15 am
OMG..hi five on that one (do people still do that)..anyway..yeah..stfu
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Cheekie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
B&TT – “I dont have time to draft a list but I might go Chris Brown on the next person who decides that they want to get witty and slip in that i got swine flu, cause I’m sneezing…For the last time It’s allergies…you’re not witty sit down!!!”
OMG, someone JUST did this on the train this morning. First off, the train was super-dee-duper late, so no one felt like joking around this morning. So this guy sneezes like three times in a row and then says, “Whoo! Allergies…or maybe the swine flu. *chuckle*”. No one laughed. Nor made one comment. Heh. Sit down, clown.
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TRUE Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
my son has allergies too..and this old biddy got up and changed her seat cause he sneezed
i wanted to curse her out..but didn’t…
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1.) Laziness. Can’t stand it.
2.) People telling me what to do/Pushing me to do something. There’s a way to get anyone to do something. My momma is the only person who can force me to do something and even she knows not to do it too often. All others must try a different tactic or get met by a stormy Seattle.
3.) Illogical requests. You know what you’re asking me to do is foolish. So STFU and come again.
4.) Wasting my time. I can get anything material back; however, I can’t request more time. Don’t waste my time and I won’t have to waste more of my time telling you what kind of a fuck up you are.
But other than that, I’m a pretty easy going guy.
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People who roll in big packs and think that because they’re a large group they can act however they want.
Women who become consumed by their men, men who try to run their women.
People who text me more than 4 times in a row; if I don’t respond you need to fall back before I jump through the phone and act heartless.
Having to suspect certain people of not washing their hands with soap because they were waaaay too quick in the bathroom.
Being late.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 11:26 am
“Having to suspect certain people of not washing their hands with soap because they were waaaay too quick in the bathroom.”
my shoulders just finished bouncing with laughter.
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People’s presence in general. That is all.
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Cheekie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
RCLS, are you a hermit?
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RightCoastLexSteele, Not Normally Violent Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
That depends, what’s a hermit?
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Cheekie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
It means you don’t or rarely come out of the house as to avoid interacting with folks.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Not Normally Violent Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Oh no…I actually highly recommend people stay inside as to avoid interacting with me.
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Cheekie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Ah. Gotcha.
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I live in Brooklyn. Anything that has to do with Flatbush Ave gets me Hulk’d up.
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Now what brings out my Hulkette..hmm. Okay, like I said yesterday, I’m laid back and not many things get me fired up but there are some. And they are as follows:
1. Spittin’ on my food when you’re sitting close to me and yapping about
nothingyour day. I can picture it now, you’re yappin’ and chewing and then all of a sudden, this specimen of spittle flies over onto my plate. I stare at it with a flatline facial expression for about ten years, look up at you, and…I plead the fif.2. High School folks on the bus. Now, I ain’t getting all “Get off my lawn, hoodlums!” on ya’ll, I even hated my OWN peers on the bus. I hate when they’re in packs and they actively search for people to clown on, disrespect, laugh at, or otherwise annoy. Don’t you have a Scantron multiple choice exam to fill in? Vamoose.
3. Disrespecting my stuff. Youngest Child with Only Child Tendences at full force. I am very overprotective of my stuff, so I get kinda antsy and neurotic when some random mofo is tampering with my most prized possessions, so should you break, scratch, deform, or otherwise decrease its value? I will disrespect YOUR stuff, if you catch my drift.
4. Those devil-worshipping programs that many companies have for their customer service phone line where you don’t push the button to state your choice, you have to SAY the number or worse yet say the exact thing you want to do (i.e. “pay my bill”). Typical exchange:
Sarcastic Auto-Voice-Lady: Please state your next option, such as “Pay My Bill”.
Cheekie: Pay my bill.
SAVL: Did you say, “Check Account Balance”?
Cheekie: No, wench (pronounced: waynch), I said, Pay. My. Bill.
SAVL: Did you say, “Upgrade My Account”?
Cheekie: What the French Toast? Naw, I said: Pay…My…Bill.
SAVL: I’m sorry, I did not recognize your request. Please hold for the next available representative. Your estimated wait time is…
456 days30 minutes.Cheekie: skjfdfjsioujiotujiostuo
Other than that, I’m just a piece of pie.
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ashbunnie Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Cheekie, I so feel you. Damn that T-Mobile Lady.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
oh man lol that last one is so true, and super annoying… i always press 0 so i don’t have to deal with that
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I hate hate hate hate…when people at work…explain things to you that are sooo simple, in crazy amount of detail because they just look at you and expect you to be a little slow or retarded. How patronizing!
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1. People who drive slow for no reason (elderly folks are exempt).
2. People who are loud in areas that require indoor voices. i.e.-airplanes, restaurants, movie theaters, etc.
3. Bullies. I hate seeing children get bullied. Makes me want to bully the bully. Wait does that mean i hate myself.
4. Dudes that still sag their pants. I didn’t ask to see what type of drawls you are wearing. o_O.
5. Know-it alls. More than likely I’m smarter than you but I don’t try to impress that upon you. So why should you?
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RightCoastLexSteele, Not Normally Violent Reply:
May 7th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Damn that…old people need to stay their ass home or get a capable driver.
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