Black Women Stay Hating
Last month, Slim touched on a topic that sorta struck a nerve with me: Black women hating on each other. It starts with the o_O (read: side-eye) you see your mother and grandmother use. When they aren’t looking, you try it too, at first with your siblings and cousins; then you try it at school. Before you know it, you are grown and cutting your eyes left and right at women in the streets. Just the other night, some random broads were eye-ballin’ me and my homegirls from across the room for no good reason. Here are some examples of thoughts that accompany those looks:
“Look at her outfit.” “Where she think she goin, lookin all cute?” “Why she look so damn happy?” “Why her teeth gotta be so straight?” “Why she gotta be holding her man’s hand like that?” “Her haircut ain’t even that cute.” “Her skin can’t really be that smooth.”
I admit, I used to be a perpetrator of said thoughts. Sometimes, I still am. I would see a woman who was pretty, or had on a cute [insert article of clothing here] and I would talk my ish. Mostly in my head, but sometimes with friends. I had to find a reason to roll my eyes and say something negative. Don’t act you’ve never done it. For a while, it didn’t even register that this was an issue because it seemed like everyone did it. But as I got older and more self reflective, I’d catch myself in the moment and ask:
Why am I about to say (or think) something negative about this woman?
She didn’t do anything to me. I can’t speak for all women, but I know some of my thoughts came from a place of insecurity. I wanted and liked something about what I saw or assumed this woman had or didn’t have. Instead of stopping at that, I deflected negative feelings on to her. **rolls neck** “She’s so this,” or “She think she’s so that.” All to make myself feel better about whatever I was feeling. Other women just can’t help but to be negative. For no real reason, they will twist up their mouths just to say something about another woman. For what? I’m not sure.
As I became more secure in myself, the desire to carry on this way dwindled. When you can walk into a room, or on to a bus or train, and feel good about yourself, you don’t feel the need to drag down the next woman. This will free you up to pity the broads who look at you, know you look fly, but throw you the mean mug anyway. To those ladies I say: “Hate on ladies. Hate on.”
Why can’t women compliment other women?
I know I have been tempted to tell a woman that I really liked her glasses or her shoes, but have hesitated and kept it moving because I didn’t know how she was going to react. As Black women, there is something kinda unnatural about complimenting a woman you don’t know. Its uncomfortable for some reason. Its like there is an unspoken tension. I’ve been in social settings where groups of women will look across the room at each other, sorta wanting to mingle, but not really sure how. So each group will end up glancing at the other throughout the night, making up some misinformed story about why no one walked over and simply said “Hey girrl.”
What if women started making observations without any judgment attached? This post isn’t about those broads who actually look legitimately crazy. You can throw them the side eye all day. But where there is no wrong, why look for it? Maybe you gotta find out where your feelings lie. Sometimes there is something more behind the snide remarks. Then again, maybe you are just a hater or have a stank attitude. But maybe its bitterness, insecurity, a mean spirit or something else. Find out what it is, and own up to that. And then fix it.
My good Three Ways readers, why are Black women so stank to each other? Is this something that you have noticed about others or yourself at times? Fellas, do you notice it too? Where the hell does it come from? Is this only an issue among Black women? Speak on it.
My Side-Eye Vision is 20-20,
125 Responses to “Black Women Stay Hating”
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Cosign 100% . I remember this one time my SO greeted me at the airport and we listened as three females openly discussed me. I don’t why he’s hugging her like that. She ain’t even that cute. Look at her she’s so dark, I didn’t think white boys like dark girls like that. Now these girls were darker than a VHS tape and yet they had the nerve to talk about me. I looked and immediately tossed the nasiest insults over my shoulder.
On the way back to his house, I unforunately realized that I was more like those females than I wanted to admit. I could have handled the situation with more class and if I’m honest I’m probably have done something like in the past.
I can’t say that I don’t give the o_O every now and again but I noticed that my flyness has not diminished because I can give a nod to the sista with the nice shoes and bag.
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“Why can’t women compliment other women?” – They can, but choose not to.
I have two issues with this post. 1. The usage of the word “Hater”, which is not recognized by the dictionary. 2. The previous comment using the word “Female” in an informal context.
Whatever happened to just not liking something or someone?
“Is this only an issue among Black women? Speak on it.” – I think asking this is more of a reflection of your social circle of friends and associates.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:43 am
**woo-sahs**
“They can, but choose not to.”
Why do you think they choose not to?
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Erin Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
I’m thinking for the same reason men rarely give each other compliments.
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Jaci Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:02 am
Wow…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:16 am
Yo Erin, I’m happy for you and I’ma let you finish but…
Actually, I’m just gonna let you finish because I think you may be one of the unhappiest people of all time.
Not sure what it is, but you have had a string of negative comments of some sort here that we’ve all ignored or tried to be nice about and reply more upbeat. I generally don’t even comment this early and I’m a proponent of free speech and debates, but when I saw this one I felt like banishing you to a deserted island.
Both of your issues with this post are nitpicking. I can’t even remember the last time you had something positive to say or you typed “lol”. Please note that if you choose to reply that typing “lol” sarcastically will not be effective. I’m going to make a suggestion. Pick a new name and get a new beginning. Your name here is starting to look like it says Debbie Downer. This is my intervention for you.
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Ash Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:45 am
I don’t know what your response did for Erin, but it sure made me “lol.”
Co-sign…turn that frown upside down!
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Highfive Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:03 am
O Erin hun…it is too early for all that negativity. Like SJ said, you do have a record of not so happy comments (not that your comments should be happy all the time…but goodness gracious). I really hope you deal with what is bothering you instead of lashing out electronically.
Anyway Ms. Jenkins, I used to be that woman that could not compliment others (especially black women) even when I really wanted to. It took a lady that I used to give the side eye to (for no reason) who complimented me on my favorite shoes. I felt like such a witch afterward and that experience has made me the “compliments giving” woman that I am today lol.
The main thing is you deposit something (even if its just a smile) into a person by acknowledging a piece of clothing that you like on them, or congratulating them on something great that they have accomplished.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 am
Do you think she did that because she noticed you giving her the side eye?
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Highfive Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:13 am
Nah, I used to side eye her from a distance.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:37 am
Lol.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
Quit hatin’…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
That’s right…
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Cheekie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“Whatever happened to just not liking something or someone?”
It’s still there, but so is “disliking/hating someone for no valid reason”. I mean, how can you “not like” someone you don’t even know? The bulk of Tiff’s post is referencing women criticizing female strangers.
“I think asking this is more of a reflection of your social circle of friends and associates.”
Nah, it’s happening too much and too many people discuss this issue for it only be to amongst Tiff’s circle. Also, you going there is kinda proving her point…
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D Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I’ve been reading these posts and not reading the comments or even commenting…but i’m glad that I decided to today. Way to spice stuff up Erin…can’t wait for the comeback! Lets get it poppin!!!!
LMAOOOOO!
Ms.Jenkins…you’re my sis and I know your mouth..so a “woo-sahhh” will not cut it here.
Forever Instigating,
D
*~Smooches~*
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
LOL. You so crazy…
I do hope Erin comes back today. I would love for her to elaborate on her perspective.
I did the woo-sah thing cuz it was too early in the morning for all that…plus disagreement is always welcome here at Three Ways. But we just gonna be respectful about it.
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Yo Slim made me burst out laughin… (pause?) with that comment!
Maybe she should check out my post here on haters?
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BlueFlame Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:07 pm
She wouldn’t read it because the word “haters” isn’t in the dictionary…therefore…ur article doesn’t exist. #justsayin
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:08 pm
neither is “threeways” but she still reads the blog!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:28 pm
LOL at what this thread has turned into.
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Good post Ms. Jenkins!
I think as black women we choose not to compliment other black women because we don’t have a precedent for it…. My mother and her sisters just started complimenting women and they are upwards towards the 60s they are more apt to do it.
As for me, I realized it was okay to compliment a woman in high school and haven’t stopped since… It’s brought me to the realization that when you compliment another woman you are complimenting yourself… Especially since, as you said, giving the O__o is only rooted in some form of insecurity…
Then maybe we can all just get along.
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Shouts out to Erin for proving Ms. Jenkins’ point. o_0
Anywho, it’s an age-old problem/debate. I don’t know why we can’t compliment each other, why we always gotta find someting negative to say about another woman and why we INSIST on giving the side-eye to every female not in our crew.
Some of it’s insecurity, sure, but I struggle to make that the end-all be-all of the issue. I don’t get why or how we allow women we don’t even know to bother us to that level. Individuals we may never see again some how become fodder for either internal or external conversation. We make all these assumptions about females we will never, ever (in many cases) know. Why do we waste energy on all that? I really struggle to answer with only “insecurity.”
I think the whole way black women approach friendships is worthy of discussion. How and why we chose whom we chose to make our inner-circle and then how and why it becomes almost impossible to enlarge that circle and/or join other circles.
While I’m apt to say the number of associates/friends I’ve acquired since high school has increased, the number of those individuals who are female (and for whom the feeling is mutual) has stagnated, and that’s being nice about it. Hell, I think I’m losing female friends… (cause I can’t with all that on the phone, gossipping, side-eyeing folks… lol).
I think these things are interrelated. It’s as if some of us don’t know how to have relationships with each other that aren’t forged out of some hardship (e.g. “that’s my girl ’cause she’s had my back since 3rd grade when she beat that bully up who kept stealing my lunch money.”) or familial relationship (read: we friends cause we gotta be). That’s one tool I think our older female relatives fail to teach many of us, either because they don’t know how or don’t see the importance. It’s unfortunate, because as I’ve said on 3 ways before, I think there are few things as tight as a real and true bond between two females.
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Jaci Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:22 am
Shouts out to Erin for proving Ms. Jenkins’ point. o_0
I need to BBM you today… Thanks for saying what I wanted to say…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:44 am
You bring up some very good points. Some Women do have some funny ways about them that keeps them in small circles that reinforce the negative behavior. Its definitely not all about insecurity. Just don’t quite know where it comes from. Damn the double X chromosome.
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I agree with this post, but it’s not just Black women. It’s women in general. I think people associate this more with Black women because of stereotypes, but if you pay attention, women of all races and ethnicities do this. I have received more hate at my new job from White and Asian women than I have from the Black women. They are the ones that give the looks, stares, and the half compliments (you know a compliment combined with an insult). There are these two white chicks that give me a dirty look every time I walk by and honestly that is pretty typical of my experience with White women. They either go on and on about how I should have been a model and all that stuff or they are just unadulterated haters. I ignore it because I know it just stems from their insecurities.
Also, a lot of women are raised to be that way. If your mother is like that, you probably will be too. It actually annoys me when I have a friend who is just talking about other people for no reason. I usually just ignore her and pretend as if she is not talking to me and then she gets the message.
If another woman is doing her thing, I have no reservations about complimenting her. However, this has been taken the wrong way with some women thinking that I’m a lesbian trying to hit on them.
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Anna Nimous Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:48 am
“However, this has been taken the wrong way with some women thinking that I’m a lesbian trying to hit on them.”
Here, here. I’ve experienced this as well – it’s like some women are so taken aback by another woman complimenting them that they think they’re being hit on. It’s not that deep, sista – I just said your hair cut was fly, lol.
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Remi Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:13 am
“It’s not that deep, sista – I just said your hair cut was fly, lol.”
LOl. Seriously.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 am
Lol. Yeah word.
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:42 am
“I have received more hate at my new job from White and Asian women than I have from the Black women. They are the ones that give the looks, stares, and the half compliments (you know a compliment combined with an insult). There are these two white chicks that give me a dirty look every time I walk by and honestly that is pretty typical of my experience with White women. ”
yep. haven’t seen it done to me personally but I’ve seen it with other white women around me at work. Also the ones I work with throw out compliments so willy nilly that I don’t think they are truly sincere. Just my observation though.
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Glo Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:59 am
I agree, its not just a black woman thing. It happens all the time with all races. Its a woman thing, period. Usually with women that are insecure with themselves in some way and feel the need to tear apart other women to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities.
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Muffy Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Good Point and I agree wholeheartedly. I know most of the time on my travels to and from work, I see women of all races on the train that have the “stink eye” as it’s called in some circles and it annoys the h3ll out of me. I try to be personable no matter with whom I come in contact with, but to no avail.
If I’m dressed nicely….eye roll from a female, and don’t let a man compliment you within earshot of another woman, watch for the steam from her head and eyes as red as blood…LOL!
Even if I’m dressed down, the same reaction. I have no hesitation letting another female know that she looks nice, often times it may make their day.
When another female compliments me, I simply say thank you with a smile. Yes, I used to be the same way the article implies.
Most women won’t compliment another because 9 time out of 10, the other woman will not reciprocate so most women just avoid it at all cost.
If you compliment another woman, do it with assurance that you are secure in yourself. Whether she compliments you back or not. You have lost nothing, it takes nothing away from you, if anything, you have gained the confidence in knowing that if that sister said thank you for the compliment, she has already confirmed your true beauty inside and out.
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I swear by complimenting other women. I know how good it feels to be complimented and I like spreading that joy. It’s karma. It always comes back to you. And when I see a Black woman doing her thing, I just get so inspired. I’m like, yes, you go girl! I SEE you!!! Werq! I’m proud of my fellow fly girls. Of course I’ve also been on the receiving end of a lot of envy– but, I just keep it moving. Positive energy folks!
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OMG! This is so true!
Me personally, I don’t mind complimenting another female, and I have. I think, alot of this hateration comes from a lack of self esteem and self worth. I see plenty of women that look better than me, but I know I look good too, and I know I have alot to offer as well. I am not going to hate on another female cause she has it going on. It’s just petty and a complete and total waste of time and energy. Ladies, if you find yourself hating on another female for no reason, just stop it…..
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IMO – the easiest time/place to compliment a woman is in the bathroom at the club, where everyone is primping and most are a little tipsy. It has that “meeting in the ladies room” vibe, music is playing and you’re in there long enough for conversation. Although – the ladies room is where a lot of club ish gets started as well, so be careful with the reckless eyeballin’.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:18 am
The bathroom can be an interesting place. People can either be friendly drunks or mad aggressive when they are on that drank.
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Cheekie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
The ladies bathroom does have a “sisterly” vibe at times. Sistas are usually more willing to speak to you or have a chat for some reason. I’ve had some interesting convos in the ladies bathroom. It’s like “The View” only with less Whoopi.
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MaPockets Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
co-sign! Here’s a great club restroom dialogue:
“You look good, girl! I love that dress!”
“Really? Thanks! Some other chick has it on, too. I saw her about an hour ago.”
“Word? Damn. *smh* That’s too bad. Well, you look better in it anyway. *Smiley face*”
“Thank you, girl!”
LADIES! Way to bring it back around full circle. Another example of women being so close to breaking the stanksideye circle of hatred, but still making their way right back around to it. How do you insert an indirect insult into a direct compliment?! Ahhh! It’s a prime example of women being women. It’s an inescapable doom.
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Can’t post all that I’d like to (midterms this week) but I love love love this post! I’ll just say that it’s not only an issue among Black women, but Indian women too. And maybe even all women.
I was just at a baby shower with my moms and my dad’s sister, my aunt, yesterday. They gossiped about all the other women in our family the whole time. In fact every Indian woman in the room was gossiping with someone. That baby in the womb must have been giving a side eye left and right.
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haven’t read all the comments but I’ll say: this isn’t specific to black women. I think we could all do a bit better with being nice to people, not just women. My concern is with the assumption that not liking something = hating. It really isn’t. Never been a mean mugger, so I don’t know how that equals hating either.
I’ve never had a complex about complimenting people, especially women. Could be a direct result of who raised me and how me and my peers get down. I’ve been a people watcher my entire life and to be honest its how I developed my own personal style. Someone else being great–hair, shoes, outfit, etc. doesn’t take anything away from me, so why not compliment them? And an unexpected compliment always puts a smile on my face–I’m sure it does the same for others.
I’ve never had anyone say anything negative to me from a compliment. If I got funny looks I didn’t notice them. Now if someone called me lesbo after I walked away, thats on them. lol.
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This is NOT regulated to just black women… its some women period…. of all races, ages, ethnicities, nationalities, creeds, cultures, classes etc etc etc………..
I’d be dead bout 1000 times + over if looks could kill, LLS and I do get more than my my share from other black women LOL but its none black women who IME are the most threatned, by the flyness AND blackness(flavorz) of the nubian Queens.
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I make a point to compliment other women of all races if I see them looking fabulous. Everyone likes compliments.
If I’m on P’tree and an Asian girl has on a great scarf, I’m gonna tell her. In the club and a light skinned chick has on a bangin dress? Kudos, boo. You’re working it.
Chocolate sista at the deli has hair that is fresh out the salon? Your hair looks great!
I’m a chocolate girl and I don’t have huge issues with skin tone because I never had extra salty females in my life. My mom, aunties and grandparents were very complimentary, so maybe I got it from them.
Of course I’ve gotten the “you’re pretty for a dark-skinned girl” but my existing self-esteem allows me to roll my eyes at dumb people.
My girlfriends in middle/high school were all different races and hues and we complimented each other regularly. My LS’s are quick to tell one another we look fabulous in every way. If you’re friends and family can’t give you a compliment, there’s a problem.
It’s not that hard to give a compliment and truthfully both people feel better afterwards. The recipient has a little extra pep in their step and the giver knows they’ve put a smile on someone’s face.
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I don’t mind complimenting other women when i c something fly. Sometimes i am a little hestitant to do it though bc i don’t know how it will be received. I have given some women compliments and they’ve given me a side-eye and a half-assed thank you. I mean i don’t need them singing my praises bc i gave a compliment, but goodness gracious…say thank you with out the attitude! Maybe it’s bc they r used to gettin the o_O…idk…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:39 am
“I have given some women compliments and they’ve given me a side-eye and a half-assed thank you. I mean i don’t need them singing my praises bc i gave a compliment, but goodness gracious…say thank you with out the attitude! Maybe it’s bc they r used to gettin the o_O…idk…”
Yeah…I definitely think part of it is just that we don’t know how to take compliments from each other. Because it happens rarely, we are like “Is this broad trying to play me, or is she sincere?”
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Muffy Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 3:55 pm
So true, so true….LOL!
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Overall I wish “folks” would embrace a bit more positivity. There are entire lists of Twitter-folk who spend all day cutting people, it’s exhausting.
I was in church and just walked over to tell this one girl that her boots were gorgeous (yes I was coveting in church) and she started crying. Alarmed, I said – what did I do? She said she had been sitting in front of some sisters who talked about her (loudly) all through service. It was only her second time at the church. Evil heifers almost drove a newbie away from church. Le Sigh over the Mean Girls. Can’t we all just get along?
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:14 am
WTH?
Yo. In church?
As in on a Sunday morning?
Major side-eye to those females. I don’t get that at all.
And what’s with the “allow me to go above and beyond my call of duty and be LOUD and rude, instead of just rude.” Go big or go home, I suppose. Is that the (still) passive way of bucking at somebody and asserting your “self-security” as well as “higher position” in some alternate reality none of us live in?
Deep breath. DEEP breath on that one.
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:36 am
wow. that is awful.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:40 am
See? This is why people stay out of church. That makes me so mad.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:50 pm
well…..
I’m not surprised.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Lol. You wouldn’t be.
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Muffy Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:00 pm
you are such a sweet heart…..I’m sorry for that sister, that was so unecessary in the God’s house, and you know God don’t like ugly!
I’m glad you were able to make her day and take away and push away the evil spirits of those other women….some people really do need Jesus!
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Very good post! Nearly 90% of my clientele are women and I have a good measure of Black and White clients, though predominantly Black clients. I think the side-eye is a slightly (only slightly) bigger issue for my Black women clients than White. White women do encounter catty behavior from other women, but they don’t dwell on it as much. It doesn’t become as much of an emotional issue for them. With my Black women clients, it seems to complicate every relationship in their lives, except with their mama.
Why? It could be as simple as some sistahs feel they’re in a shrinking room vying for pole position. Or put differently, every other day feels like a game of Survivor and one is only as good as one’s last outfit or hair or whatever. If you have basic security needs met, then you can’t necessarily feel the envy or disdain for someone who is functioning at a different or even lower level. For instance, if a well-heeled sister rolls into a hoochie-mama club for some improbable reason, she’s not likely to be hatin’ on the $25 dress from H&M or Victoria Secret. She’ll know that they won’t be competing at the same level Envy seems to surface more when you feel someone is at the same social level as you and you feel close enough to “hate.” However, I believe envy is a powerful teacher. Envy can show you what you feel you’re missing in your life. If you’re hatin’ on a group of women who look nice together, chances are you feel lonely and haven’t acknowledged that. You might also need therapy. (I’m not a therapist.) I do know that White women are more likely to be in therapy, so they can talk more directly about what’s REALLY ailing them.
But great topic and I hope lots of fruitful and enlightening conversation ensues from it.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:37 am
are you a hair stylist?? LOL…..
I think you are somewhat on point with your observation on folk feeling inadequate and thats what makes them more prone to envy..but my thing is whose fault is that??? LLS
Folk need to focus more on themselves, finding and stepping into their true selves, OWNING IT and doing them etc..doesn’t leave too much time to hate on the next chick that has already paid costs, metaphorically speaking, and puts that work in continuously
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Samuel Reynolds Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:39 am
I’m an astrologer. Fault is irrelevant to me as it’s unanswerable and even if it were, how would it change how people respond?
On the other points, I agree.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:47 am
interesting perspective Samuel, but I know whose fault it ain’t LOL…chick @ my job prime example, she came in the door with a um fifty type energy=not too sincere, and allowed herself to feel inadequate because of moi’s mere presence etc
I’ve been told repeatedly I have a strong aura but I don’t go around chumping folk or trying to be seen etc
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 am
Very good points. I agree with OrangeStar…when you spend time of yourself, either working on your issues, or focusing on how great or whatever you are, you have less time to dwell on others. Its much easier said than done though…most of the time, people fail to acknowledge that they even have something they need to work on.
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I’m not an expert or anything but I’ve also noticed that black women dont take compliments that well. A friend of my SO was complimented by a black woman on her shoes and she said “Is she going to rob me?”
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Samuel Reynolds Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:22 am
LOL!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:50 am
LOL. That’s a damn shame.
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I agree. The females friends I have are always hatin’ or just simply talking negative about some group of women in the vicinity. Once I asked, “Why are you just sitting there talking about people?” Apparently, my friends felt like they had this ‘bond’ built around the negative sentiments they have towards others and various situations. Ok… They didn’t really SAY that, I deduced it from their actual responses. But it’s literally CRAY-ZEE to me. A woman would say that she outright dislikes a woman even though she doesn’t know her or have had any previous contact directly or indirectly. And mean it!?!?! How do you have so much emotional energy to spare?!?!?! Who knows…
You know, this is really what I think. You know how they say that females mature faster (mentally) than males? I think that this aspect is one that falls through during that “maturity.” And I dare say that it takes additional or a different type of maturity to overcome it. Sounds like a highschool trait these women have… Sad. That ish is a turn off…
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:22 pm
“A woman would say that she outright dislikes a woman even though she doesn’t know her or have had any previous contact directly or indirectly. And mean it!?!?!”
this makes absolutely no sense to me! I mean, maybe when you are like in HS–but grown people?
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Yeah seriously. As being on of the male species, a homie asks questions since I don’t completely get you all. The follow-up questions are:
1. Do you know her (or OF her)?
2. Have you seen her before?
3. Have you had ANY type of contact with this person?
The answers to the above questions would all be “No.”
I’ve heard all sorts of reasons, and the following two are my favorite:
1. “Cuz I know that she doesn’t like me…”
2. “Cuz she’s wearing [insert article of clothing], so she must think she’s [insert something positive] but she’s really [insert name calling].”
I’m convinced that women are out of their minds for a good portion of their lives. But it’s ok… In most cases… lol
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
“And I dare say that it takes additional or a different type of maturity to overcome it.”
Very true. Women will go into there 30s and 40s acting this way. So sad.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
and beyond some women are like that their whole lives and in turn teach their daughters by their own behavior or don’t correct it EARLY cause it starts EARLY, no fool like an old fool tho….
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Muffy Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 4:07 pm
MeteorMan,
I’m a female and as much as I hate to agree with you, I have to agree with you on this one. I don’t understand it sometimes.
I have to separate myself as the exception, because I can’t hate on somebody I know well, let alone somebody I don’t.
As for the gossiping, it makes me sometimes ashamed to be of the female persuasion…LOL! When I sit and on the train coming to or leaving from work, that’s all I hear. It’s not that I want to listen, but you cna;t help it when they are loud and obnoxious about it…..like you said, it’s crraazzyy….LOL!
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Tiff, you spoke on this one from the best soapbox to end all soapboxes. Co-sign all up in this post! Especially the “unspoken tension” part. TOO TRUE.
I think I’m where you are and getting more self-reflective. Whereas in high school and even a little in college, I’d probably think those negative thoughts, I am more self-aware today that I can catch myself and ask, “WTF am I criticizing her for?”. And also, I’m noticing other women do it to me, whether verbally or non-verbally.
I used to hesitate making compliments because of the vibe I was getting from a woman, but now I try to take the extra step in making one if they are frowning it up. Ya never know, you can make a person’s day…change their whole outlook for that day.
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Wow @Slim’s intervention…wow in a good way.
Girl this hating is global..I know yall have come across the females speaking in [insert foreign language here] starring at you, or the females who smile in your face and then as soon as you excuse yourself you feel your ears burning.
Well..fukk em
I actually like it when I know that females are hating on me, a self-esteem booster..I notice that chronic haters (because we all have our bouts of haterism) have much to say and little to show while i have much to show for and little to say.
I will compliment a female if I feel the need to..I’ve often been met with a blank stare cuz they didnt see it coming but thats ok..let it sink in.
The funny thing is that the hating happens in groups..never alone..
or maybe this is just my experience.
Has anyone experienced a female stand across the street and point fingers at you snigglin? if so was that female mentally ill?
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Girl this hating is global..I know yall have come across the females speaking in [insert foreign language here] starring at you, or the females who smile in your face and then as soon as you excuse yourself you feel your ears burning.
You are so right. A 2520 friend was telling me about her excursion to the laundromat a few nights ago. There wre some Hispanic girls who kept pushing her clothes around on the table. She asked them to stop (these were freshly washed white dress shirts) and she said they gave her the side eye (of course she didn’t say “side eye” cause she doesn’t know what that is, but I knew what she meant) and began speaking Spanish, only speaking English when they would say “white girl.”
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I’m tryna tell em hate crimes are international LLS
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Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
hate crimes lol..good one!
I think the easiest solution is to diversy
yo bondsyour crowd..when i throw some males into the mix I am less prone to hate & bitch because they dont play that.Reply
I’m just light enough that this post would have gotten me lynched, Miss J, so I’m glad you had the courage to post it. Please inform Miss Erin that “hater” is, indeed, in the dictionary (see merriam-webster.com) and, just as I suspected, Erin is used in the example sentence. (jk)
On to my comment…
Yes, this IS an issue we need to address in ourselves as grown women. We can check ourselves in many ways bcuz we are all guilty. My best solution has always been, when I find myself looking for something to hate on someone, I immediately shake it off and instead look for something to compliment (and then do). Yes, some people look at me like I just hit on them (cuz its so rare for a woman to throw a compliment) but at least I didn’t resort to old habits. Everyone should try this.
Also, we need to spread this practice to our young girls. Growing up, I had really low self esteem cuz (black girls especially) were SO mean to me and critical. They would make fun of how I talked, walked, smiled, dressed, acted, etc. To this day, I come across these serial haters as adult women and I just shake my head and brush it off. But it took me like 20 years to get to the point where I could do that. I just wish somebodys mama had taught them different when I was growing up. =/
Lastly, this is def not a race-specific thing, but its different by race. My white friends hate just as much, but they tend to keep it to themselves or their friends. Black women will tell you what they think they know about you to your face. So in a lot of ways, it can be a lot more harmful or spiteful.
Come on people now, smile on your (sister), everybody get together and try to love one another right now. =)
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I don’t understand why it’s so hard to throw a compliment at a fellow female. I’m actually big on compliments because if something looks exceptional I will stare, and at least if I give a compliment then people will know why I’m staring and that I’m not some weirdo. I compliment friends, family and strangers all the time. But I think hating can have many different causes than just low self-esteem, I have friends who I would consider haters, they hardly ever have anything nice to say and others who are perfectionist and deflect there high standards on other women. Also hating doesn’t just have to do with not giving compliments, I was once in a shoe store and a woman came over and told me she loved my boots, my first though was “She better not ask me where I got them, I don’t want everybody walking around in my boots” I would consider my though process at the time hating, I did ended up telling her where I got the boots.
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:07 pm
“I’m actually big on compliments because if something looks exceptional I will stare, and at least if I give a compliment then people will know why I’m staring and that I’m not some weirdo.”
exactly. lol. I’ve been told I have an eye problem before by my own friends.
oh and unless I was specifically asked about where I got them, I wouldve kept that to myself. lol
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Renee Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
She did, I could see the question in her eyes before she even asked lol.
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My question for the ladies is: What are you competing for? Is it to be the baddest, most beautiful, flyest, etc.??? Is it to get that one guy that 10 other females are trying to get? There’s no need to hate if you realize you don’t have to compete for anything. I think MJ was on point with the insecurity issue. Just be comfortable being you.
As a man, I also take issue with females using the “hating” issue to make excuses and comments like, “This is why I don’t get along with females, get along better with men, etc.” That’s some bull. And it’s a turnoff to men when we hear this from y’all.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
As a man, I also take issue with females using the “hating” issue to make excuses and comments like, “This is why I don’t get along with females, get along better with men, etc.” That’s some bull. And it’s a turnoff to men when we hear this from y’all.
I’ve never been one to think it was cool to broadcast that you, as a female, can’t keep female friends.
I remember in high school not quite grasping what made some girls think it was cool to go on and on and on about how they “hate females” and “have no female friends.” I always immediately though “sweetie, you have NO friends…”
My ears perked up when my BFF and another male friend and I were having a convo (actually, they were having the conversation and “forgot” I was there) and the BFF said something like, “I don’t deal with females who have no female friends. As much as I hate my girl’s friends, there’s something wrong with a girl who has no female friends…”
I’ve mentioned that on 3-ways before (too… damn, I’m a broken record on this post) but it’s stuck with me. I’ve tried to illuminate the path for my fellow womenfolk with limited success.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I’m co-signing all this…
Females with NO friends is not where its at. Social skills is a must… But what’s worse than a female with no friends, is a female with friends whose only or top hobby is hatin’ on other females.
Both are sad…
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Muffy Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:25 pm
With you on that sweetie, but first let me say this, the reason why most women hate other women is for competition sake.
Some women and some men may not agree with me, but you better bet that 9 times out of 10 women who argue or hate each other is that some man is behind it.
If you’ve ever heard women argue, the first thing out of their mouths is ” he don’t love you, he loves me?”
LOL…….how immature and high schoolish
Women hate because they are afraid that someone is going to steal their shine and show them up especially for the affection of a man.
As time progresses, women eventually realize that you aren’t going to change a man. I don’t care how much gunk you put on your face, or how big your booty is, he still has the pick of the litter. You are not going to change how men percieve you.
Even if you win out, sooner or later you get old to him and he moves on. A smart women will either know how to keep him, or play him at his own game and move on to the next man….maturity is a beautiful thing.
A grown woman knows how to keep him and a grown woman knows how to let him go!
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MaPockets Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
YESSSSS…that one gets me every time! “I don’t do well with other females…I get along better with dudes.” Like, so, are you a dude on the low? Oh, wait, are you a self-proclaimed tomboy? Or are you a “woman of the night?”
I mean, there is a difference if you grew up in a household full of dudes (brothers, cousins, etc.) and you are more familiar with a certain lifestyle…but who walks around proclaiming it? You’re not cool.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
““This is why I don’t get along with females, get along better with men, etc.”
Co-Sign.
You don’t get along with females b/c you have a bad attitude and men are more reasonable.
If you really took a look at how much women don’t really like women are you surprised by misogyny.
If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect men to love you?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:03 pm
“If you really took a look at how much women don’t really like women are you surprised by misogyny.
If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect men to love you?”
Damn son…
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D Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Woah…i’m commenting 2x in one day in a mth…shocking. But I was talking about this to my 82 yr old grandma just a couple days ago. She said that if a woman doesn’t have girlfriends, then there’s something wrong with her. Grandma’s always right. I never understand girls who don’t get along well with other females and even want to bash females for simply being females and doing feminine stuff. Just embrace yourself. If you’re a woman who can’t stand females and female actions, then there’s something about yourself that you’re just not comfortable with…correct that!
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Ugh. I didn’t experience this complex until I got to college. I never received the stanksideyeface so much until then! Seriously, you don’t even know me! I even had dudes tell me that before they met me (and found how out SUPER COOL I was), that they thought I was “mean or stuck up.” And I’m like why…because you like-ded me?
I think there is a similar motivation with both men and women, as to why you toss someone the stanksideyeface before you know who they are or what they may be going through. Sometimes, if a man likes you but finds you unattainable, and you’re not cheesing all up in his face, you are immediately a snob and a threat. This is called insecurity. And sometimes, if a woman likes something about you but finds that quality unattainable for herself, and you’re not cheesing all up in her face either, you are immediately classified and as “thinking you’re the ish” and you then become a threat to her. This, too, is called insecurity. Another thing: have you ever seen a beautiful woman with amazing features and a great body/outfit, but she had the stinkiest attitude with people, never smiled, and gave everyone and everything the stanksideyeface? That’s the chick that NEEDS to be given the side eye, but then again…that’s probably what made her the way she is now in the first place. This chick is also, most times, much less intimidating than the gorgeous chick who’s clearly a jokester or is friends with everyone. But then again, you’ll always have those people who will look at the nice chick and wonder “why is she so damn happy for?”
Or maybe it’s not insecurity. Maybe it is blatant prejudice. Take this analogy, for example. I have a friend who HATED guacamole, but never once tasted it..never even had avocado before. She just KNEW that it was something she wouldn’t like. Until one day, about 8 glasses of sangria into a meal at a Mexican restaurant, she took a tortilla chip and sank it deep into a bowl of guac. Took a bite. And her world was turned upside down. She called it her first “guacasm”. And now she makes guacamole at home every week and never has a taco without it. Sometimes, as women, we need to lose our inhibitions in order to be open minded and find out how we really feel about something. In the bigger scope of things, our inhibitions may just be a deep-rooted prejudice or insecurity.
I’m also sure someone will find a way to make this about slavery and how women competed for the “Master’s” attention after her husband was sold away. There’s always that one person who takes it there…LOL
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
your guacamole comparison is a good one. I still dont like guac much after tasting it but I admit I dont’ like foods that “look funny” by color or texture. I think the prejudice is a good point, but thats because I’m pretty anti-hater personally. I think people use it as a catchall explanation for things just like “she has low self esteem”. grates my nerves. lol
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Anti-hater Reecie? You hate haters? lol What ever happened to letting them be your motivators?
Don’t be hatin’ on haters for hatin’. lol
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
no I’m anti the thought process of people claiming THEY have haters for everything. thats just not always true. lol. I’m not motivated by people hating on me. I’m motivated by wanting more for my life, learning new things, and natural progression.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Co-sign. Most of the time, the “hate” isn’t about you per se.
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SouthernCharm Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:43 pm
“no I’m anti the thought process of people claiming THEY have haters for everything. thats just not always true. lol. I’m not motivated by people hating on me. I’m motivated by wanting more for my life, learning new things, and natural progression.”
powerful.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
the effects of slavey are far reaching but somethings are more about the spirit and envy is a spirit thing……
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Another thing: have you ever seen a beautiful woman with amazing features and a great body/outfit, but she had the stinkiest attitude with people, never smiled, and gave everyone and everything the stanksideyeface? That’s the chick that NEEDS to be given the side eye, but then again…that’s probably what made her the way she is now in the first place.
I thought about hitting on that in my reply. A girl I know from college (still) has the reputation of being stuck up and very…umm… selective with who she associates with. Now you can read that last part how you want, but the bottomline is, chick ain’t really tryna be yo’ friend.
Being ASmith, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but found her icy exterior damn near impossible to get past, despite mutual friends singing her praises. So I left it alone. We can’t all be friends.
She and I now live in the same city and we’ve hung out a few times (oh what desperation does to you… lol…) and she revealed that she’s long had issues with other females who (as she put it) were jealous of her long hair and good looks (I mean, she aight…oh wait… that’s me hating.. my bad…). Apparently, however, what stuck with her was a conversation she had with her mother when she was much younger about the “jealousy.” And her mother told her it was just something she had to get used to. People would always be jealous of her hair and good looks. In the long run, her mother’s “words of wisdom” manifested themselves such that she became very cold with people, unless there was something about you she liked (hence why we had mutual friends who swore she was sweet as pie)
Now, my mama never gave me that talk, but I never (thought I) had that problem. Perhaps some of you other beautiful 3-ways ladies have had that issue and that conversation and you can help me out… cause as of right now (and it’s been almost a year since she told me that) I’m still not letting that go as an excuse. You grow up and learn that being icy to everyone because of what a few did to you is no better than what the “haters” do right?
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MaPockets Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:37 pm
Hmm, I don’t know about this. It’s crazy because my parents never had the “appearance” talk with me or my sisters. Every talk instead was about how you treat people. I wasn’t told I was “pretty” or “cute” at all as a kid, and I didn’t think otherwise either. I just never thought about it. I didn’t start to recognize compliments about my physical appearance until I left home. But I also didn’t receive criticism on what people “thought” I was “like” before they even met me…until I got to college.
I think your friend’s mom instilled something dangerous in her. Tell your kids they can achieve the world and be anything they want to be, yes. But tell them they have great hair and good looks and that people will always hate on them? **YIKES FACE** I feel like that’s a recipe for disaster.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I feel like that’s a recipe for disaster. I’d say for her, it has been.
Truth of it is, she
iscan be nice; however, if your first impression of her is like a lot of people’s first impression, even when you learn that about her, you still have a nasty taste in your mouth.And what kind of superiority complex must one have to feel like “everyone probably is jealous of me.”? It’s gotta be outrageous…
Anytime I mention I’ve hung out with her to other people, inevitably I hear “I don’t know how you do it…” I’d hate it if that was the response people had to hanging out with me. Beautiful or not.
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Reecie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
well at least you tried to be her friend. some people find it easier to continue to be as they are. showing your true self after always having a wall up has to be extremely vulnerable. or maybe she has no clue who she is beyond her “long hair and good looks”– thats probably her case. its unfortunate though, no (wo)man is an island.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I agree, but I think she “may not have known better”. Her mom sorta set her up to feel like she needed to be defensive at all times, out of concern of people being jealous and what not.
I think her mother’s intentions were good, but could have been stated differently. Instead maybe she could have noted that there will be some people (not all people, all the time) who may have issues with her, for whatever reason. But the conversation can’t stop there. Other people’s issues with you, whether they are well-founded or not, are no excuse for one to act all icy and stank to folks all the time. That’s how you miss out on good experiences and getting to know good people.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Her momma ruined her… you can’t over gas a shorty, some can’t handle it or put it into perspective.
First rule of pimpin’ you gotta break them down first.
Ignorant momma passing on ignorant lessons to her over-rated child.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
I knew a couple of chicks like that… I went to visit a friend and one of her out of town sorority sisters wanted to hang as well. She was that type (not my friend)… She was nice looking until she started the stankness (so obvious a guy noticed). Given she pissed one of my best friends off when she was trying to be a good hostess, I decided to have a bit of “fun” and peer deeper into that head of hers. She was very aware of her ‘status’ (family had money) and looks, but she was insecure about not having anything else cuz frankly she didn’t. It sounded like self reflection (other than in the mirror before going out) never was a priority. Whether or not exposing herself to herself did anything, I don’t know since I’m not Dr. Phil or anybody… But from many experiences, those type of women are just empty vessels. I might as well have been playing jacks…
I’ll bang you… but don’t talk… and that is all… 100
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:47 pm
*gasp*
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
That did sound kinda doggish… lol Well the sun can’t shine on everyone at the same time… If the physical is all a woman focuses on and brings to the table, then why would she expect any other type of treatment? The precedent is set by her treatment of others and self absorbency.
In terms of society, people focus on aspects of themselves that they want others to focus on. Why not grant a wish? lol
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Lol. Touche.
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Cheekie Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:32 pm
“Another thing: have you ever seen a beautiful woman with amazing features and a great body/outfit, but she had the stinkiest attitude with people, never smiled, and gave everyone and everything the stanksideyeface? That’s the chick that NEEDS to be given the side eye, but then again…that’s probably what made her the way she is now in the first place.”
I was gonna put this addendum in my comment but somewhere between typing, Monday java kicking in, and the submit button, I effing forgot to point it out. But, yes, this is a terrific point. Or terrific points, depending on how you look at it. Because yeah, there are girls that stick up their nose high and DO act like they’re all that or too cool to acknowledge anyone or anything but the mirror and then there are girls that have the permameanmug due to reactions they’ve been given for no reason. The latter is a vicious and complex cycle.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
what I do is I give folk room to show me who they are, how cool etc, you know everyone starts off with a clean slate and I try to be cool wit whoever off the break, but if the energy you continually givin me is uggghhhhh, you know underneath the kee keeing and the tight compliments like its hurting your ass to cpompliment me LLS, its the energy I see, I read, then NO I am not gonna be very open wit you, I’ll keep our interactions minimal and be indifferent @ best, you get nothing from me LOL.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:51 pm
What’s the Maya Angelou quote? “When people tell you who they are, believe them the first time.” Yeah — that sounds right.
I agree with you OrangeStar. I try to do the same thing — most people will show you exactly who/how they are if you give them enough space and room.
Just like people will always tell on themselves if you let them talk long enough.
Amazes me time and again how folks who lie talk so much… but that’s another topic.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:33 pm
I want some guacamole now. Thanks a lot.
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Another thing: have you ever seen a beautiful woman with amazing features and a great body/outfit, but she had the stinkiest attitude with people, never smiled, and gave everyone and everything the stanksideyeface? That’s the chick that NEEDS to be given the side eye, but then again…that’s probably what made her the way she is now in the first place.
I thought about hitting on that in my reply. A girl I know from college (still) has the reputation of being stuck up and very…umm… selective with who she associates with. Now you can read that last part how you want, but the bottomline is, chick ain’t really tryna be yo’ friend.
Being ASmith, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but found her icy exterior damn near impossible to get past, despite mutual friends singing her praises. So I left it alone. We can’t all be friends.
She and I now live in the same city and we’ve hung out a few times (oh what desperation does to you… lol…) and she revealed that she’s long had issues with other females who (as she put it) were jealous of her long hair and good looks (I mean, she aight…oh wait… that’s me hating.. my bad…). Apparently, however, what stuck with her was a conversation she had with her mother when she was much younger about the “jealousy.” And her mother told her it was just something she had to get used to. People would always be jealous of her hair and good looks. In the long run, her mother’s “words of wisdom” manifested themselves such that she became very cold with people, unless there was something about you she liked (hence why we had mutual friends who swore she was sweet as pie)
Now, my mama never gave me that talk, but I never (thought I) had that problem. Perhaps some of you other beautiful 3-ways ladies have had that issue and that conversation and you can help me out… cause as of right now (and it’s been almost a year since she told me that) I’m still not letting that go as an excuse. You grow up and learn that being icy to everyone because of what a few did to you is no better than what the “haters” do right?
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I think when I was in high school and in the first part of college I wasn’t really secure with myself and so perhaps I had a hatin eye or two. But when I came into my own and realized how fab I was and how much fun it was to just do me and not worry about other chicks (cause are girls really competing?) that all kinda went away. When I’m out I’m way too busy dancing, shopping, enjoying dinner with my friends to be concerned about everybody else.
And I love giving compliments when I’m out. A girl with a fly fro or cute skirt? I’m going to let her know. I know when people compliment me I feel good so why not spread it around?
My mom always told me that people who try to bring others down just don’t have enough to do… idle hands.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Agreed. Ok, its not just me
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Hey all!
I saw the post earlier on Twitter and waited till after lunch to comment.
I really tried my hardest to see where Tiff was coming from with this post, but I just don’t see it in me. I don’t really hate on ppl unless I have a reason to ie. I do not like them b/c of something they have done to me/my friends/family etc. I don’t give random strangers cut-eye (lol for what???) and I don’t sit around and talk bad about random women for no reason. Mind you, if I see random fashion snafus, I will point them out! But they will be more along the lines of “now why you gonna wear that nice backless dress and have your bra straps all out for everyone to see” That is just a pet peeve of mine fashion-wise, I don’t look at that as hate. I will not hesitate to compliment a woman’s shoes, hair, dress or nails – it’s all good to me! I have been the victim of women hating on me or my girls for no reason, but I cannot say I waste my energy hatin on random females I do not know. Who has the time?? Maybe its just me….
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Apparently a lot of people have the time to hate cuz this is something that gets discussed a lot. You just may be cut from a different and more fashionable cloth.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:14 pm
A more fashionable cloth? LoL a girl can dream
Nah, I definitely have seen it – females straight hating on each other for no reason. Though I do believe it isn’t just black women solely who do it. I think all women tend to hate on eachother every now and then. Perhaps the title of the post should be, Miserable women stay hating? Unless Tiff is suggesting that Black women solely have their own brand of super-hate they use against each other – which may not be too far from the truth…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
“Perhaps the title of the post should be, Miserable women stay hating? Unless Tiff is suggesting that Black women solely have their own brand of super-hate they use against each other – which may not be too far from the truth…”
Exactly. I titled the post that way for the reason you mentioned, and because my experience has only been with Black women. That’s not to say that it doesn’t happen amongst and between races, but that hasn’t been the case with me.
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I just wanted to point out that I enjoy men..especially as friends. Sometimes I dont want anything to do with females..just cause..buts its mainly because I have a select few thats are my GUUURRRLLLS and do not have the urgent need to add to the tight knit clique.
Just like we are weary of women who do not like females..we should be weary of the ones who have too many female friends..thats just my opinion..
Just as Ma pockets pointed out the club bathroom scenario, the “hate” is often blanketed and sugar coated with sprinkles…if you have a sweet tooth its a wrap!
I find that I have to constantly monitor and observe when in the company of a larger or unfmailiar group of females…its not because I hate them or envy them or am insecure about myself my actions or words.. I just want to be boss about it sometimes, not have to deal with “are you okay?”, “why havent you been calling?” and a bunch of other needy demands. I find solace in the company of males or my tight knit gal clique…with them i dont have to explain myself, alter my appearance, alter my talk my dress my anything or watch my back..but I do agree with the family, its not healthy to isolate yourself from an entire gender based on a few past experiences..This is one of the most important lessons I’ve learnt this year and am still learning as i go.
To me isolating yourself means that the person may not have faced and dealt some deep seeded fear or past experience.
Maybe its not that deep ..who knows.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Just like we are weary of women who do not like females..we should be weary of the ones who have too many female friends..thats just my opinion..
I’m curious as to why you say that…
FTR: I actually agree with your overall sentiment. Some things you really do just wanna do with your guy friends and/or your close group of female friends.
I think it’s not so much a female with few/no female friends, but females who are proud of that fact. As if they’ve worked all their lives to rid themselves of females in their lives…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
A post about the topic of this comment is in the works…Stay tuned.
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Inferiority, complexes, and jealousy could be some reaosns for this hate. You think that women are genetically made to hate? Serious quesiton @Jenkins et al
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Renee Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:20 pm
I was thinking along the same line. I was trying hard to think of situations where Ive witness Man-Hating (by a man) but its really hard. They’re are the occasional c-blockers. But the whole wispering in a group factor is strickly female.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Man hate is pretty limited Renee. It’s usually something like “f*ck that negro. he mad corny.” and then we keep it moving. I also think our comments are based on interaction and what we truly know of the person. There are a few select dudes that I don’t like because I know the type of people they are. They never did anything to me, but I know a lot about them.
You know where I see the most man hate? Hip Hop websites. Dudes (and chicks) get real nasty with it there.
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ASmith Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
So do you think the real difference between “hate” levels of the sexes is that men are less vocal about it.
Like maybe more dudes do see a guy across the room and think “that n*gga think he fly, but he not…” and just have the sense not to say it out loud?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
Here’s an example and I’ve told this story before.
I went to college with this dude who was a year ahead of me. Basketball player. He had “confidence” that was borderline offensive to me. Girls ate it up, but I knew something was off about this cat. I didn’t like him from the day I met him. Toward the end of his senior year, he hollered at my girl at the time over AIM. Didn’t know it was me sitting there. Was sayin eff me and she should come slide. I told him it was me. He kept talkin’ ish. This was a gift to me. I went to his job, had him come outside, then I choked the shit out of him til he surrendered via tap out and said “Let me go man. I’m done.”
Some people could have perceived me as a hater, but my gut told me something was off about this cat. I never said much about the dude, but I had my mind made he was not the type of dude I wanted to associate with. And like many other men, I don’t write someone off and throw “hate” without a legit reason or gut instinct. I could care less about the next man unless I get the vibe that he’s shady buckets or something else that could perhaps affect my life.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:23 pm
That doesn’t qualify as hatin’ at all. Clearly he was going to wrongfully infringe on something. Not only that, homie didn’t like leave it be, he started getting flip with you.
I feel you on the gut instinct about someone. The important distinction between this and the women haters is that usually, women hate on each other for superficial reasons like outer appearances. The vast majority of men, we seem to mostly react to notions of the likelihood of another dude to bother what we have going on.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
@MeteorMan
Next time we do awards here, I’m nominating you for like 3 of them.lol.
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Samuel Reynolds Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:22 pm
ASmith, I think it’s a good possibility that some guys just may not say anything, but I agree with Slim. There’s not a lot of hating between guys in the same way. I think for a couple of reasons.
There’s more immediate ramifications. If a guy comes out of his mouth wrong, he’s likely to be swallowing teeth, not just get his feelings hurt. Second, homophobia. Women are allowed more homoerotic room with each other, like assessing each other’s wardrobe and making commentary about it, than men. If I were a group of my boys and one of ‘em said, “Look at Mr. Man over there in that fly ass suit on. I bet he thinks he’s cute in that.” He would get the side-eye at Mr. Man and the rest of it would be icing. And dudes compliment each other more, I think, cuz men like perpetuating the myth of getting some with each other based on how one looks. I guess women don’t have that outlet because if a woman looks too good then she’s a skeezer, loose or a bitch. Men don’t have that inhibition. If a man looks good, then he can get fly chicks is our reasoning. Men will hate on themselves privately, if they see something that baffles them, though. If they see a brother who looks busted! or mighty short or fat! but has two gorgeous women on his arms, then the soul-searching starts. But they won’t say anything negative to him. They will affirm him, most likely, as to keep the hope of getting some alive for themselves!, but the dark night of the soul starts as they ask themselves if they’re doing something wrong.
That’s what I’ve seen, but I have to agree: The hate doesn’t work the same as it does with sistern.
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Renee Reply:
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
“Look at Mr. Man over there in that fly ass suit on. I bet he thinks he’s cute in that.”
This had me dying, he would not even get a side eye if I were around, he would get a deep look of concern w/ me wondering why my gayder didn’t go off sooner.
Also on the “immediate ramifications” female hate/cattiness is very shallow. We never intend to fight for the fact that we think shorty isn’t cute enough for her man. I would say that if we thought there would be any repercussions, we would keep our mouth shut and banish the side eye.
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thisnis not just a black woman thing
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LOL….love your “I’ name. Anyway, agreed. I am not anti-social, however, I do not like to surround myself with large crowds of females and not because I’m insecure, “trusts” I love me….but because there is this ever present aura of phoniness…..
It’s disturbing to me and when they are in “cliques” or the company that they keep, it magnifies itself. If I’m with a intimate crowd of 2 or 3 women, it’s easier to get along.
So what, if I get along better wth men, it the natural scheme of things. As long as I am not taking anything away from another woman, or evading her territory, they have nothing to hate on me about.
And as many posters have said, men for some reason do not go ballistic about mundane things. Life is way too short for me to be thinking about or care what some other female thinks of me.
I don’t live and breath for females or for that matter males who think or do negative things to me or to others who don’t bother them.
The bottom line is that your azz bleeds the same as mine so we might as well get along:)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 3rd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I’m feelin’ your flurry of comments on the site. Keep it up! lol.
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