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Worst Break Ups Of All Time
Talk About Passive Aggressive
As I watched “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” the other day, I found myself simultaneously cringing and laughing within the first 10 minutes. For the umpteenth time. For those that haven’t seen it, the story revolves around a young musician who composes the background music for a popular television show. He gets dumped by his hot girlfriend who is the star of that cheesy, CSI like show. She leaves him for a rock star who she’s been sleeping with for a year or so. The guy is obviously heartbroken, so he leaves to go to Hawaii on vacation to clear his head and guess who else there? His ex and her new boyfriend. The hilarity ensues. The movie is pretty funny, but the part I was laughing at was the actual break up. She doesn’t just break up with said guy. She breaks up with him when he’s buck naked, trying to get her in the sack and she’s completely dressed and not at all in the mood. Awkward.
After laughing at his misery, I thought that has to be the worst way to get dumped. Then I reminisced about some of my own break ups and thought about some pretty bad and yet funny times. Sure dumping or being dumped can be horrible in the moment; but if you’re like me, sometimes you have to look back and laugh. As a good friend once said to me, “You’re either starring in a comedy or a tragedy.” Sure she ripped that from “Stranger Than Fiction,” but it’s a good sentiment nonetheless. Honestly, I think it’s all about your outlook. And today, I’m going to prove I’m living in a comedy with a story of my own.
At the end one of my more tumultuous relationships, I drove over to my ex-girlfriend’s place to have “the talk.” At the time I lived in a major metropolitan city and she lived beyond the suburbs. You see there are the suburbs that surround the city, beyond that there are the nice suburbs that are all new and then there’s the town that has more trees than it does houses. She lived in that town. It was like driving through the Shires in “Lord of the Rings” only the roads were paved and the trees didn’t talk. And as I drove in complete darkness, I felt like I was transporting Frodo to drop of the damn ring. Luckily at this point in our relationship I had been out to her house a lot, so I didn’t need to cruise down her street looking like I was about to rob someone’s home because I couldn’t see the address numbers on the doors. You’d be surprised how quickly the cops will get called on you for doing that, but that’s a different story.
As I approached her house, I turned down my loud hip hop music, pulled over to the curb, quietly exited out my car and quickly looked over my shoulder for wild animals and serial killers. Seeing as it was pitch black outside and there were gleaming yellow eyes peering at me from the trees, I don’t think that’s outlandish. I hurried my ass up her driveway to her garage and of course I ran into some giant suburban tarantula spider web while walking up that gauntlet. After swiping away at nothing, I finally reached the door and gave her a call (yep, this was post-cell phone era) to hurry up and open the door. Once she did, I calmly strolled through the garage, opened the door to her home and we chatted right there in the living room.
I’ll spare the details because we all know how it went. The structure is usually all the same – there’s some small talk, someone cuts right to the chase, you both come to realize it’s good decision, you hug (sometimes) and then someone has to leave. I was happy it was me. There’s nothing like trying to get someone out of your house post-break up. Anyway, as I started to leave, I opened the door leading out her house to the garage and suddenly realized – I left the garage open. I had been there for at least an hour, maybe two, and I left her garage open, with the lights on, in the dead of summer and she lives in the Forest of Nottingham. It’s not surprising that there were creatures of the night everywhere, crawling on everything.
Before I could utter a, “My bad” I saw a shadow on the cement ground of her garage that looked eerily similar to this movie I once saw. I looked up and a miniature version of the Dark Knight flapping about and circling the light. That’s right, I let a large bat into her garage. In awe, we both gazed on as it flew about aimlessly and then swooped down randomly trying to find a way out. I’m no zoologist, nor am I pest control. And last I checked, I wasn’t a boyfriend with those kinds of responsibilities either. So I looked over at her, made sure she was OK, wished her a good night, kissed her on the cheek, covered my head with my arms and bounced. Effed up? Maybe. Does it still make me laugh? Yes. And I hope it put a smile on your face too.
I’ve got some other funny break up stories, but that’s enough for today. What’s your funniest break up story? Feel free to share a tragedy if you have one. I know someone’s got something that’ll top my batman tale.
Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure they got the bat out,
40 Responses to “Worst Break Ups Of All Time”
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My friends have always said that Im too verbose. That even when breaking up with a guy, I just say way too much, and I should me more succinct, especially when the relationship isnt that serious.
The one time I took their advice, and told dude I was smashing that I didnt think it was a good idea to keep seeing each other. I had SOOOOOOO many other things to say, but I just stuck to that talking point, and because I was so amused with this situation, I kept laughing. Repeatedly.
Hell, I think Id still do that in certain situations. It just happened lately.
L
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i LOVE “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”, that movie never fails to make me laugh!
And the “Lord of the Rings” reference made my inner geek smile so hard!
The only kinda funny break up story i had was in HS, i broke up with my HS sweetheart over voicemail cause he wouldn’t answer the phone (this is after i found out he was planning on breaking up with me to get w/ someone who had dated someone i previously dated & i wanted to beat him to the punch). Well, he got mad (from what i heard) but tried to get with ole girl and she rejected him…i laughed so hard when i heard that happened! lol
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yeah funny breakup stories? nope. all my breakup stories are more like tragedies/dramas more than comedies. i’m always the breakup-er and not the breakup-ee so i guess in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t so bad for me. question, are you and bat girl still friends?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 9:05 am
Ahh, I got you. It can be like that.
Yep, we’re still friends. And that story never gets brought up. Lol.
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A dude broke up with me at my house party via the DJ booth. He announced that we were no longer dating right before he played Freakin You o_0. I think I was more upset that he beat me to the punch. I was going to break up with him after the party. I definitely got got. I got my revenge though but that’s another story.
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L. Dejean Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 8:01 pm
oh please share the revenge story!
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Stranger Than Fiction was SLEPT on!! (Puts movie in DVD player) i love that movie so much!
*lookin at max.. ain’t this crazy!? we just spoke about this!*
umm.. a comedy?? nah, not really.. tragedy, oh for sure!
my first real boyfriend (15 years old) was short(er).. and i think he suffered from Napoleonic complex because he found out that the Linebacker on the football team liked me.. proceeded to try to fight said linebacker outside of the weight room and left me standing there holding our bookbags..
since i don’t like fighting and i had already asked him not to do it.. i kindly put his bookbag down, walked to the bus stop, and went home.. to this day (yeah, we’re friends) he wonders how i just silently broke up with him.. no words, no explanation, no nothing..
my last boyfriend had a tendency of being a bit of a drama queen.. but he lacked ambition and motivation (reason enough).. i woke up one morning, called him up and told him “i can’t do this anymore..” he then proceeded to get on the appropriate busses it would take to get to my house.. knocked on the door, and when i opened it, he threw himself at my feet and asked me not to leave him.. funny thing is that he has a tear duct problem so he’d be trying to cry and would just do the screw face.. causing me to laugh while i tried to walk to my couch dragging this fool wrapped around my leg.. he finally made it off the floor, but honestly.. that was NOT the grand gesture to win me back.. a school schedule would’ve been the grand gesture.. a job.. SOMETHIN!!
can you believe after all of that, he then ASKED ME FOR A RIDE HOME!?
SAY WORD!! (smh)
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LdnChica Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 5:53 am
“….he has a tear duct problem so he’d be trying to cry and would just do the screw face..” ….. Dead!!!
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Nick_L_Odeon Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 8:07 am
“aren’t you happy to know you are not a Golum?”
(sorry, i had to..)
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LaBakir Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 9:05 am
LMAO! Only you Nickle!
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I see that you stuck with the signature….
Unlike you, I have no funny break up stories… at all… my last break up was bitter and bad #ontothenextone
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Seattle Washington Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 9:06 am
Sorry to hear that, but good to hear you’re moving on.
Yeah, decided to stick with it for a few. Think Slim, Sowhatiff and RCLS were going to lay me off if I didn’t get one.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Just Slim and Tiff…you know I too have problems w/ authority.
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Great read, thank you!
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Good post, Seattle.
Funny break-up stories? Nope, no comedies. I hate being the one to end the relationship/situation, so I usually just stop calling or returning his calls. Luckily, the last 2 guys I had to break-up with both lived in different states, so I didn’t have to worry about seeing them, and having to explain. Yeah, not a very mature way to deal with things, but when I’m done, I’m done.
When I’ve been the dumpee, all tragedy on my end. I’m sure he was just fine, but I was a mess. A private mess, but still a mess. A nice and private breakdown. Mariah. That song still speaks to me. smh.
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I had one horrific break-up..that was a marriage. Nothing else compares…all other break-ups were quite civil..I still remained cool with all of them. No hard feelings.
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SaneN85 Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 11:31 am
Cosign.
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I couldn’t stand Rockmond*, but eventually we started dating. We became the new “it” couple in the High. Two good looking, star athletes who ranked on high on the Black people chain…who were cool with te 2520′s as well(we went to a predominately White school).
Life was good.
One night, my mom sends Rockmond and I to Bradlees (think Target) to pick out new decor for the bathroom. It’s raining cats and dogs, but we head out nonetheless. I’m a playful person and so his my boy…usually. He’s acting a little strange.
We get back to my house,and I park the car. Donnell Jones “Where I Wanna Be” is on the radio. Rockmond then proceeds to tell me how I’m too good for him, blah blah blah…he’s not right and he doesn’t want to hurt me…so he’s breaking up with me. We agree to still go to prom together.
I’m floored. He goes to get out the car to walk home. I offer to take him, he declines. I watch him disappear into darkness.
All that friendly shit went out the window like Ron Browz. I hate his guts. I ignore him in school. Then I tell him I don’t want to go to prom with him anymore. He’s made, but he takes it. He eventually says he’s going to prom with a girl from a neighboring town. Cool.
We show up at the prom showcase…and on his arm is my “friend”. I deserve a damn Oscar for keeping cool because I really wanted to baseball punch the hell out of him!
Tragic.
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forgetting sarah marshall was a great movie.
I like that whole era of comedy “40 year old V. Knocked Up. SuperBad.”
Those movies had enough heart and great improv.
I always thought they captured relationship better than those typical date movies. But I guess I just relate to those “sweet lovable losers” better than Channing Tatum.
Funny Break up. I don’t break up much. One time, the week before my senior prom, my gf accused me of trying to get with a fat smut friend. Supposedly I did this, her mom wouldn’t let her come to the after party in the Hamptons. So she told me off in the car, without giving me a chance to explain. I was so mad I didn’t even try to talk her down. I just drove her home and told her to get out my car, only thing is I never fully breaked so it was still moving and she kinda busted her ass.
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I once broke up w/ a girl b/c my friends thought she was ugly. I dont know if it was funny but it makes me life.
Leaving that chick w/ a bat is just as bad as leaving her w/ Herpes lol
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iDied at your story. Not the bat- and most certainly not the kiss goodbye and leaving her to deal with
I was a dating a guy during the transition period from high school to college and he decided to drop out of college. I had invited him to thanksgiving with my family and when my parents heard that the had dropped out of school due to $$ they made several propositions to help keep him in school- all of which he declined. He was never the brightest crayon in the box and I just knew that he wasn’t going to ever go back to school if he didn’t right then (which i was right!). Plus I had a guy that I really liked texting me to go see a movie with him that night.
So when I was dropping my boyfriend off at his house. I turned the music down low and said to him that I thought that we were going in different directions and thought that we should take time apart to see if our lives were going to mesh well (some bull-ish like that) and as he starts crying… my phone starts vibrating with a text. So it’s the guy I like. I responded- and smiled cause what he said was funny. My boyfriend starts crying harder and then my phone actually rings with Xscapes “Secret” as my ring tone. My boyfriend hopped out the car and yelled all types of things at me. Actually up until a year ago- he still did.
My bad.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 11:40 am
maybe he would have gone back to school if weren’t out creeping SUNSHINE!
Damn. lol.
Poor guy had nothing going for him.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 11:41 am
Damn
Did u have to make that his ringtone??!!?
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Little Miss Sunshine Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
I hadn’t creeped yet. Well not with that guy. (To all potential future boyfriends who read this site- I am reformed- I swear!)
And as for the ringtone- It was just me joking and I forgot to change it. It’s just my luck that it goes off mid-breakup. story of my life.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 1:26 pm
o_O @ “Well not with that guy.”
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I see your side eye and raise you a Shaq face
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Little Miss Sunshine Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
i see your shaq face and a raise a “who was gonna check me boo”?
(once again I am no longer reckless)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
Umm, I met you in person and we had a lengthy chat.lol. Didn’t take you for the renegade type. hahaha.
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Little Miss Sunshine Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
I’m normally not! I’m as sweet and innocent as I appeared
Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
LMS is a sweetheart. She slept like a baby after you left lol
LittleMissSunshine Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 6:32 pm
I halfway rebuke thee Peyso.
The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 3:13 pm
Aaaaaaaaaand you get another Shaq face for quoting a RHOA. A very single RHOA btw.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
On a side note, i was told that I could pass for both Streetz & Cheekz. #thatisall
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L. Dejean Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
you are too muscular to pass for streetz (luh you streetz), lol! But y’all do have that LSN connection!
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I was about 19. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of about 2 years. He had given me a very large TV. This was in 1983 so the TV was LARGE. Anyway, he stopped by my house unannounced and told me he came for the TV. I directed him to my bedroom where the TV sat. He struggled to pick it up and began walking to the front door. I happily opened it for him and as he began to turn to walk down the stairs of my second story apartment, I said bid him goodbye and gave him a hard shove down the stairs. I closed the door and turned off my porch light. I don’t like Indian givers.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
And if he died?
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
July 7th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Ok…a few things…
1. They like to be called Native American givers. Indian is kinda outdated and slightly offensive.
2. Did you really think he’d let you keep the TV? I mean, seriously…I’m sure part of his logic in giving you the TV was that he’d be over there watching it often.
3. 1983???
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L. Dejean Reply:
July 8th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
1. They like to be called Native American givers. Indian is kinda outdated and slightly offensive.
^^^I tried so hard not to laugh at that but i did…
I hope dude was ok!
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Hmmmm… funny break up… I thought it was funny, he probably didn’t. Dated Mathias* in college, he lived/went to school about 2 hours away from me. He was mad emo yo. Anytime we had a disagreement I got a stern/he-motional talking to for hours. One day I noticed, he was closing up on me. As much as I disliked his long chats, it was like he wasn’t present in the relationship anymore. Well being the detached being I was back then… I said #ontothenext. By this time I was home from school for summer vacay. I kindly packed all the sh*t up of his that I’d collected over the semester(s) in a nice big box, wrote him a nice letter and mailed it w/ a return receipt — I needed to make sure he got it. The end.
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Seattle you are the new Batman
#thatisall
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