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Dry Nuts: A Chat About Involuntary Celibacy
Poor nuts. We feel your pain...
Slim: Every now and then a man goes through a stretch in his life where his nuts are extremely dry. He gets no bunz or whoppington o’suckles. This stretch can be a few days, a few weeks, or a few months. The longer the period of bunlessness, the more the testosterone builds and he becomes a blessing threat to society. When this happens to women, we call it Mandingo Syndrome, Crabby Patty Disease, or the Single and Miserable Flu. The results for women are often more catastrophic (Think Category 4 Hurricane sans the wetness), but men go through a variety of symptoms as well. Some of which are good and some of which are bad, but never as bad as we see in our female counterparts. Today we are here to tell you about how this condition impacts men for both the good and the bad. Right Seattle?
Seattle: Damn right. I too have been in the thick of things, eff, wrong choice of words. Let’s try that again. I’ve had the “Bout With The Drought” before. I’ve crossed the burning sands after crossing the burning sands. I put my piece in a glass case and hoped that a special someone would break it in a case of an emergency. You get the point. And just to be clear, this didn’t happen because I just was at my job a lot, because my verbal game fell off or because I was messing up more often than Tony Romo (yep, I’m taking shots in the off season Cowboy fans). This was a conscious decision not to have sex for a predetermined amount of time. Why would I do this? My shorty was half way across the world. I’m obviously a masochist. No one or no one thing makes it easy. At some point, I just had to throw on some horse blinders just to stay sane.
Slim: Seeing that I live with you, I saw you in the midst of that drought. You actually became an inspiration for me to go on long runs and work out recklessly. That aside, I never initiated my own nut dryness—hence the name of this post. I’ve went through a good spell where I found myself feeling quite snappy, hungry, and aggressive. I remember that one time I came home and slammed the door then went into the kitchen to beat the meat. You came in there concerned and saw me pounding the steak and seasoning it with authority. That was awkward. But yeah, I’ve went through that tough period where every now and then I gotta tap my piece with the reflex hammer to see if it works.
Seattle: Yeahhhh. That was… interesting. Wait a minute, you think that trial was intentional? You think I sent my shorty at the time half way across the world son? Are you out of your effing mind?! Well my balls definitely didn’t think it was intentional. If so, I’m sure they would’ve packed it up and took General Gutsticker with them. So yeah, I had that extra surplus of testosterone which made me work out a lot, run miles for no reason, get posts done weeks ahead of schedule, talk to my family and friends more often and work on side projects I had put aside. All within 24 hours. I hadn’t gotten that much accomplished in a day since I ran around upstate New York with a shaved head and called certain folks “Big Brother.” It was a necessary, but inadequate, replacement for the Bedroom Boxing that I was missing. The irony of it is that a highly motivated and chiseled-body brother gets a lot of attention. Only making side stepping the coochie that much more difficult. Life is full of ironies. Sad, sad ironies.
Slim: I watched a lot of adult footage online. Yeah, I said it. I’m 2* years old. What man my age hasn’t seen some high quality “love” tapes? Fall back. Thanks. But anyway, I had to do all sorts of stuff to keep my cool. I’ve been busier than ever and achieving all of life’s feats. If I didn’t scramble around, I’d have time to sit, build up, and explode—you know, like get angry and stuff. Come to think of it, I’ve had a few of those incidents. I didn’t get “emotional”, but I most certainly did give a few folks a stern talking to or sharp as a samurai sword comeback to relatively normal questions. Apparently, I already look threatening. So imagine a 6’1 220 lb. light-skinned clean-cut man that looks fierce becoming angry. Yeah. Not what’s hot in the streets. I need the Great Walls! Baby, gimme ‘em nowwww!
Seattle: I… I can’t continue. Pretty sure this is awkward for all of us now. Well, mainly me. I now understand why those “mysterious” bills have arrived at the crib and why we’ve run out of toilet paper so quickly lately. Maybe this shouldn’t have been a co-post after all. So yeah, let’s wrap this up! What about you guys? Have you experienced a dry spell before? What did you do when you were in the middle of it? My bad Slim. Let me rephrase. What did you do when you were experiencing a drought? And what did you do/how did you feel when you finally got to that wet spot oasis?
Seattle – Approaching Every Room Cautiously – Washington
Slim - Battle of the Bulge – Jackson
39 Responses to “Dry Nuts: A Chat About Involuntary Celibacy”
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Dead @- “General Gutsticker”
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Like I said in my post Friday, I’m currently in a drought. It hasn’t been that long, but damnit if I don’t feel it already. The only real effect I feel in this situation is the urge to make stupid decisions based on my needs. Uuuugh, this post got me remembering that I’m not gonna be getting any birthday chex today for the first time in years.
Slim, I’m really hoping that I’m not reading more into this post and you beating me in the kitchen you share with others wasn’t supposed to be some metaphor.
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CHeeKZ-Money Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 6:33 am
Happy Birthday?
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SaneN85 Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Yep, despite my best efforts to stay frozen in time, as of today I am now a quarter of a century old.
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Nick_L_Odeon Reply:
March 19th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
try being 30.. (and some change).. enjoy these years, girl!!!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:20 am
I wouldn’t read into it. Gratifying myself in the kitchen would not only be reckless, but it would just be gross. I had literally taken a steak out the freezer and had to tenderize and season it to meet Chef Slim standards. The drought had me feeling quite aggressive that day. That’s about it.
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SaneN85 Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
I guess it was just the choice of words in regards to the post… and my mind tends to wander to the dirtiest places.
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funny one of the bruhs and i were having this conversation earlier today. he’s actually taken a hiatus from pounding vag while he studies for his board exams. other bruhs are doing a pool to see how long he lasts. lol
since i started having sex i don’t think i’ve taken a voluntary absence for getting cakes. it’s just not in my nature. i love cakes like a fat kid loves, well…cakes. now involuntary abstinence from getting my man lubricated is just something i have to deal with from time to time.
while in the middle of a dry spell i just handle what i got to handle. literally. noone loves you like you can. what better way to get acquainted with yourself. oh the time when you finally get some cheeks it becomes a glorious day.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Yeah Slim and our friends had a bet going about how long I’d actually last too. The bastards. No one believed in me.
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I can barely comment from the laughter that has taken over me.
I swear! From the picture & it’s caption, down to the signatures… I’m so through w/ ya’ll.
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Lmao @ the whole post.
Who woulda thought guys also go through long dry spells…..
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My current state of voluntary celibacy started with involuntary celibacy. My beau was a 2hr. flight away, and he had a job that kept him on the road constantly. Once we ended things, and after I had a brief episode with an old friend, I decided I was done with sex for a while. I didn’t know it would last this long, though. lol.
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I had a two-year drought a few years back. Did you catch that – 2 effing years. It was hell on earth. Frankly I’m surprised I survived it at all.
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele LLC’s home remedy for dry nuts: Copious amounts of Mary Jane. If you can’t get two pumps and a dump, grab 2 L’s and rub 1 out. It works.
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SaneN85 Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
Something tells me this is your remedy for a lot of things.
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele LLC, Destined for Greatness Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Sprained ankle – chronic
Toothache – chronic
Late charge on the mortgage payment – chronic
Erectile dysfunction – chronic
Stupid co-workers – chronic
The bruhz – chronic, a shot of jack and a jack on the rocks
Flat tire – chronic
Hangover – chronic
Eczema – chronic
Exfoliative dermitis – chronic
Hmm…guess you’re right.
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I went a few months before, it was pretty bad really nothing to say about that lol. The funny thing is that Palmela Handerson didnt come visit me during those months either lol
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Are you insane!!
You just kept it inside?
Jeez man… that is inhuman.
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Peyso Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 11:58 am
For some reason, I wasnt even thinking about me
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I cracked up from beginning to end of this post…especially at the part where Slim was beating the meat with authority in the kitchen…*dead* lol. honestly, I haven’t gone through any intentional period of celibacy, it kinda just…happens that way lol. The involuntary periods of celibacy can last for weeks or months (once it was more than a year), so I don’t really feel led to have a voluntary bout with celibacy.
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Its been about 8 months for me, matching my longest drought EVER and sadly, there doesnt appear to be an ending in sight. I’m not gonna lie, its getting bad…I guess one could call this self imposed because the one person I want to beat it up lives on the other coast. Yeah, I could go out and get it from whomever but I’m just not on that these days.
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LOL not being able to hump makes True a really angry girl. I’ll take it out in my blog posts, on people around me and on food. I jerk off so much that my button stops working. I HATE IT!!!
The longest drought I had was about 8 weeks, not long at all, but then I”ll do it to like an ex once then have another 8 week long drought LOL
I HATE DROUGHTS
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First off, Ctfu over here@ this post! My ‘interruption” lasted one year, two months, and 17 days (yeah, it was that serious) and was the result of a breakup. My attitude really changed during that time. I can’t blame it all on the need for releasing some tension, but I know it was a major factor. It’s bad when someone has to tell you that you need to get some, but even more so when that person is your parent. -_- Erotic literature and some pron became a way to past the time (yes, women watch pron). Let’s just say, when the dryspell did end, we experienced a monsoon.
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Yeah…I’m currently in my longest drought to date. I won’t say how long for sure, but I’ll just say Barack was still campaigning the last time I got done up proper.
Remarkably, I’m a lot nicer than I thought I would be at this point. It helps that I’m madd busy with work/school and different activities.
The 24 pk of duracells definitely help also.
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First off, Ctfu over here@ this post! My ‘interruption” lasted one year, two months, and 17 days (yeah, it was that serious) and was the result of a breakup. My attitude really changed during that time. I can’t blame it all on the need for releasing some tension, but I know it was a major factor. It’s bad when someone has to tell you that you need to get some, but even more so when that person is your parent. -_- Erotic literature and some pron became a way to past the time (yes, women watch pron). Let’s just say, when the dryspell did end, we experienced a monsoon.
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Question for Seattle and the rest of the panel:
When you interruption is over, how did the beats go afterward? Where you your regular self, rusting? Did you tire quickly? Did you shoot more?
Was it as good as you remembered?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Coming back from poon hiatus is interesting. I’ll be like great, time to get into it (yes that way). But on the other hand, I gotta set the expectation that I’ll prolly need to blast off a minimum of 4 times in 24-36 hours before I’m back like I never left. Imagine starving and then having full access to the grocery store with no limit on spending. You’ll be in there forever trying to get everything you need and want.lol.
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Ash Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
Hilarious analogy!
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L Boogie Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
*dead* at the grocery store analogy…that is hee-larry-us.
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele LLC, Destined for Greatness Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
Came back MJ wearing #45 in the white sole shoes.
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Droughts are the worst. I feel like a sports teamt hat cant buy a win…
Voluntary no sex? Did it for lent once. What an experience but I was cool.
Involuntary.. yeah it happens to everyone, but unless you’re horny 24/7 lol you dont go crazy every day. Now if it goes for MONTHS umm.. yeah lmao
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*I’ve been gone for a while…but I will play catch up today*
As usual I laugh out loud reading this site! You guys are much too much.
I guess I am the only one that doesn’t mind the occasional voluntary or involuntary dry spell. I am one of those people that once it is out of sight, it’s out of mind. Maybe I am just weird *shrugs* Right now I just started a 6-month voluntary stint (he’s miles and mile away)….One month down and so far, so good. Actually, now that I think about, maybe I should check on his tail and make sure he’s not getting an itch…*loading shot-gun* HA!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Yeah, have a phone love session or something. Unless he’s at a monastery, he probably feels the pain.lol.
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I’m in a drought. It’s mostly self-induced. Had a long-term relationship end in Dec 08 and refused to have “rebound relations.” Now that I’m all emotionally healthy again, I wouldn’t mind giving it up. And don’t get it twisted – I’m cute, but I’ve never been the one to have random nooky, so…until somebody acts right, the drought will continue. In fact, it’s 15 months today. Thanks for the effing reminder…SMH…Lawd help me.
Now, the side-effects are slightly ridiculous. On a few occasions, I’ve found myself @ the gym on the cardio machines and gazing adoringly at the weight-lifting patrons…and wiping real, actual drool from my bottom lip before it hit my chin. It’s gotten so bad that I’m drooling?! I’m trying not to do anything stupid, but I may not last much longer…lol
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 18th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
It’s OK. One time I stared at the lady in the Chiquita banana sticker a little too hard. At least you were lusting after real people.
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Lol, first Thank God you cleared up that Kitchen story!
But yo I actually preach celibacy for guys. If a dude who CAN get buns can’t go at least a month without getting buns, i can’t rock with him.
Simply put a true man is controlled neither by money, fame, hunger, nor thirst. NOR The Prize.
A dude like that is nothing but a hoe ass negro, for real.
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I’ve had a 7 month voluntary stretch and I’m currently on another 6 month (+) voluntary stretch and I feel like kicking puppies and stealing candy from babies.
I don’t understand how people go years because if I go any longer than 8 months I’m blowing sh!t up like the Joker.
(And no- “just me” moments and trips to cunningtown are not doing a dang thang)
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i’ve had a hiatus for 2 years.. and i didn’t mind it.. once i’m off it, i’m off it.. i don’t really think about it.. and since i don’t like being teased, i don’t handle it myself either.. it does nothing for me.. because i’m usually thinking “it’s me!! i know what i’m gonna do next”.. where’s the excitement in that??
it’s more of a spiritual thing for me though.. there’s people in my life that i need to be able to see truly without pipe gettin in the way.. it fudges up a lot of things.. and i live extremely close to miami.. do you know the stats down here!?!?! NUFF SAID!! now, a trip somewhere else?? that’s up for discussion..
Nick
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