The Choosey Lover
**I’m giving the spotlight today to someone who’s pretty much been around for my whole blogging existence. Those who visit 3 Ways regularly know her name. Those who don’t bettah recognize! I know her in real life as Lola B., but you probably know her as The Choklit Factory. Give her a round of finger snaps! -Slim**
Choosey Lover, Boy I’m so proud of Ya.
I’m so glad you chose Me, Baby.
And I’ll make you so Happy.
-Aaliyah ‘Choosey Lover’ 1996
I must have listened to this song a good 20 times before I understood its true meaning. According to the lyrics and my own definition, a Choosey Lover is a selective or picky person who engages in much thought and effort when choosing a mate for relationship purposes (I am not referring to jump-offs!). These people weigh the benefits and possible damages of dealing with someone on an intimate level and do so preferably without (or more likely despite) the influence of strong sexual desires or favorable superficial appearances. Some characteristics the Choosey Lover will consider include: the person’s past, their ambitions in life, their morals and the way they treat people in general. Let’s explore.
Their Past
Sorry ladies and gents, this will include the number of pickneys you have spawned. I am not a fan of the whole baby daddy/baby mama dance, though I try my best not to hold it against people. When I ask about your past, I am really asking what kind of female do you tend to date? Are those scars on your arm from the last time you tried to Chris Brown the Ex? Is that tattoo on your chest (that I peeped accidentally) a tribute to your last girl that you only dated for 6 months (re: Stalker)? Do you have bad credit a job?
(*side note: I know some of these questions sound a little ridiculous, but y’all have to understand, I live in Toronto. End note)
Life Ambitions
I’m only 26 myself and I will be damned if I have my whole life planned out. But I do know I want a plan and I am working towards solidifying one. Do you have any dreams or aspirations that do not include signing with Young Money or bagging Amber Rose post-Kanye? (I said life plan, not life delusions) Call me crazy, but goals and ambitions are sexy in 2010!
Their Morals
This is a MUST for me. I find that people with shaky moral foundations are more prone to falling into bad circles, failing to take responsibility for their actions and overall slackness. For the morally inept, it is less about the who and more about the when, how often and how many.
How do they treat others?
It is no secret that one can learn a lot about another based on how they treat others around them. This includes their family members, friends (especially close friends), random strangers and of course, YOU! How does he/she treat you? Do they leave you feeling angry with yourself? Sexually frustrated, insecure or insignificant? No mas.
I find that many of my friends or acquaintances – men and women, decide against holding out for these admirable qualities in their mates and offer various excuses for doing so. These include: ‘Hey it’s hard to find a man/woman out here!’ or, ‘She doesn’t treat me good…but she takes photos for fun is a model!!’ or my favorite, ‘I don’t want to die alone!’
To counter these arguments I would argue that when you take care in monitoring the kinds of people you choose to bring into your life, you save yourself from the girl fights, getting burned and other d being brought into your life. And yes, you do have to take a chance, a leap of faith if you will, when choosing to enter into a relationship with someone. Still, I think committing more care into the actual choosing of your mate will determine the amount of disagreements, happiness and heartbreak you will endure as a result of the union.
All you Choosey Lovers out there, I see you! You are bougie as you wanna be; you expect the best because you believe you deserve it! You are a kind person at heart, selective but never cocky – ok you are a bit cocky…work on that.
What do you all think? Would you consider yourself a Choosey Lover when it comes to choosing a mate for relationship purposes? Do you think I’m being too uppity? What’s changed for you over the years that’s made you more or less Choosey? Did I lose you at pickney? What say you all?!
Lola B. aka The ChokLit Factory ~No Half-steppin’~
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“Do you think I’m being too uppity? ” No Ma’am, your list includes the important things and if it has served you well, I say you keep on with your choosey self.
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That is completely reasonable criteria for choosing a mate… those are along the lines of what I REQUIRE, you have to have standards with anything, especially who you may one day share your bed and life with. Being choosey will save you a lot of pain and irritation for sure!
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HEY LOLAAAAAAAAA!!!!
That’s my girl…love this post. I actually commented on the original yesterday.
But to reiterate, I think it’s essential to up the ante and set the bar high, especially as women.
I find that once we have our set criteria and stick to it, we’re most likely to attract what we want.
Laws of attraction 101.
But the other part to that is that you gotta be a reflection of what you want. It’s not enough to have your list, complain about not coming across the right men or women if you’re not coming correct and can’t meet the criteria on your OWN list….that would be like living off welfare and expecting only upper middle class men to look in your direction..I mean the shit happens but you’re bound to run into deep doodoo…no matter how good the sexo is.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
“if you’re not coming correct and can’t meet the criteria on your OWN list….that would be like living off welfare and expecting only upper middle class men to look in your direction”
co-sign! Thanks for pointing this out.
People say they want to get what they deserve. People think they always deserve the best. But honestly, not everyone should get whatever is the best at all times. Some people be on that half-step like it’s the new two step.
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Heeeey Tee
“It’s not enough to have your list, complain about not coming across the right men or women if you’re not coming correct and can’t meet the criteria on your OWN list….that would be like living off welfare and expecting only upper middle class men to look in your direction”
So very true! I think you have to be right with yourself before you can expect the right people to come correct with you. But again, some welfare folk get pretty damn lucky!
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Choosey Lover – Isley Brothers, 1987 (sorry, I had to)
Anyone who’s not a choosey lover is doing themself a disservice. If you don’t believe you’re good enough to get what you deserve and desire, what’s the point? I have my set of standards and dealbreakers, and I refuse to settle for
messless.It’s important to note, though, that there is a difference between choosey and picky.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Haha you got me on the reference! I didn’t mention the original version, blame it on the word count.
What do you think is the diff between being picky and choosey?
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I’m choosey and I’m ok with that. As I get my bearings back after four years in a serious relationship, I find that quality guys appreciate choosey (but not crazy/picky) women.
Without running down a list of my desires, men can see what I will and won’t put up with, so they either step up or ship out.
Choosey= must be taller than me and have a nice smile and good sense of humor
Picky= must be 6’2″, with a Morris Chestnut smile and funny like Will Smith.
Choosey allows some flexibility, picky is rigid…
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Peyso Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:43 am
“Choosey allows some flexibility, picky is rigid…”
I concur
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Is anybody a fan of Californication?
The show circles around a writer who is a male-whore. Despite being in love and having a daughter he nails everything.
This week his daughter caught him with three women plus two strippers. She asked how he could perform such actions knowing that people could get hurt, including her. Didn’t he care about anyone? His answer was that he cared about everyone. He saw beauty in everything and he just wanted those women to see what was special inside themselves.
I don’t get being picky. I would have missed out on so much in life if I held back. I’m happy about every relationship I have been in. The only missed up on not LEAVING soon enough or turning down a beautiful person.
I was going to say “SMH @ you picky lover”. But instead I feel sorry for you. You are missing out on great people just b/c they don’t fit your box.
Sometimes I think I am born in the wrong era. I belong in the Free Love ’60s. Not this Match.com Millenium.
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Black and Trapped in Toronto Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I dont know man..to me “free love” is still setting boundaries…just cause its not the norm doesnt mean its not gonna work for you…
I mean in the instance of that show the parties (meaning the sexy party) all agreed to the shit and all had a common goal…to nut and share nuts.
I’m not with the picky…but choosy yes…choose what you want out of life and dont let nobody sway that objection…
but you gotta bring to the table what you want on your table..
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 11:05 am
Well I commend you Cheekz because you have an refreshing outlook on love & relationships. I don’t think having certain standards for myself and the people I choose to be around cuts me off from meeting good people. I meet people everyday, some that I would like to see again, some that I wouldn’t care if I ever saw again. I just feel that being in a relationship with someone requires a lot of my time, energy and emotions so I like to be aware of who I choose to share these things with.
I’ve seen people ruin their spouses’ lives and sometimes I sit back and say, perhaps this could have been avoided it he/she had some higher standards in the beginning…
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Well I would like to thank you for such a well written and insightful read today.
I just feel we put too much emphasis on what the other person in the relationship has or doesn’t have.. instead we would be happier if we looked at ourselves and fixed what made us compactible with one type of person (gross generalization)
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Because I assume you are being sincere, Thank you
glad you enjoyed the read!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
lol @ Cheekz for the Matchbox Millennium.
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Great post!!
Anyone seeking to be in a serious relationship should be a choosey lover. I am a choosey lover, and if that makes me uppity, then I’ll be that! lol!
I want the best for me in all areas of my life–professionally and personally. If I put time and consideration into choosing a college, a grad/prof. school, and a career path, why wouldn’t I put as much or even more time and consideration into choosing the man I will spend the rest of my life with…
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I do think being a choosey lover can save you some strife on the back end. All the things you mentioned are important things to consider…that whole evenly yoked thing is real. But I think that being too picky can keep you from missing out on someone who may have something to offer that you might not think they could based on the one or two things that don’t fit your image. I guess I think flexibility is important too.
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“You are a kind person at heart, selective but never cocky – ok you are a bit cocky… work on that”
Too funny, I was thinking the same thing, I find most choosey lovers are a little cocky, myself included.
I have always been a choosey girl, but I’m picky in every aspect of my life so it was bound to come into my love life. I have a good list of things in my mind, that will remove a man from my long-term dating pool, I would never seriously date anyone who was chasing fame (singers, actors, models, rappers, promoters) no thanks. Or anyone who is not in a stable career because my career is a big part of my life, I need someone who will understand my struggles, not someone who’s going to think I’m cheating if I don’t answer my cell at a client, or I randomly stroll home at 10:30 a few times a week, Ive had that problem with the 9-5-ers. I probably wouldn’t seriously date a man who didn’t have some level of higher education.
Other things I’m choosey about are personal appearance / grooming, how a man treats his Mom and Sisters. I find if a man ever let’s you witness his disrespect to females in his family, then you better RUN!!! Also Men with small hands, it just creeps me out if you have little hands and little fingers, Men who don’t have proper table manners, please put your napkin in your lap, don’t stuff your mouth or eat with your month open, and don’t answer your cell phone at the table especially at a restaurant uggghhh. Men you have no interest in working out or proper eating habits. Men with sneaker fetishes or just men who are too into fashion, not attractive.
In generally I also tend to choose the choosey. I find it extremely attractive if a man gets to know me and has standards when it comes to dating. There are too many men who try to get in your face with little interest in who you are. If things get that bad, I can always get at them later. But in the mean time I spend my time looking for a quality man.
Choosey Lover is my Jam!!!
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Renee, get out of my head lol. No, but really, I think you have had too much time to craft this list in your head girl! I’m sure you can recite it by heart!
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Choosey Lover…. great post! I find that these days there are less and less Choosey Lovers in this world, or maybe I’m just looking in the wrong places. But I definitley can say that my bougie ass is choosey as hell! I refuse to settle for something less than I deserve. Unfortuantely where I’m from, a lot of women tend to settle for less and put up with a lot of BS just bc there’s no one else. And bc these women settle and allow these men to mistreat them, it seems that it has become the norm for men to be acting up. But like I said I refuse to settle for this nonsense, if someone I meet doesn’t fit into the majority of qualities I look for in a man, then NEXT!!! I know my worth, and I find a lot women rather be mistreated than to be alone. Its kinda sad…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
It’s interesting that you mention that a lot of women would rather be mistreated than alone because so it seems there are so many out there pushing borderline ridiculous list of what they need/want in their lover. These are also the ones who usually complain about being single or that “ain’t no good men”. There are tons of blog posts on the topic, so I’m curious which way the slant goes with the “i’d rather be ” crowd.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
@5star Where ever you are from sounds a whole lot like where I am from! Women were (and still are) being plain foolish with their choosing of their mates and are paying for it every day. I think this is what has led me to start paying a lot more attention to the people I deal with.
As for Slim’s comment, yes I agree it can get too ridiculous when the lists get longer and the man has to drive a BMW – not a Lexus, have all the hair on his head, light hair on the arms, short fingernails (but I HATE long nails on a man dammit!) etc etc etc. When that list gets too long and complicated, so will your search…
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“What’s changed for you over the years that’s made you more or less Choosey?”
Honestly, the main thing that has changed from then (teens) to now (20s) is that I no longer go gaga over them light-skint pretty boys. lol Now, I’m like Jesse Jackson (without the permed-out sidekick Al Sharpton), I like a Rainbow Coalition.
As far as being a choosey lover and having high standards, I was taught to have them. I was just talking about this the other day. But, then again, my standards are usually only high to those who choose to reside in the lowest of low. Yeah of course asking for a man who has his own crib would seem “bougie” to a man who lives with his mama and HER man who ain’t even his daddy. But, to the average working man, it would seem rational. As it should.
I know when I was just a few years younger (probably college age), I wouldn’t have glanced twice at a man with any kind of kid. Not ONE. I would say hell to the naw. Today, I’m still a bit wary as I’m not really in the position to deal with it, but I’ve noticed I’m becoming more open to the idea if the man is worth it. Not that open, though. lol
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
“Honestly, the main thing that has changed from then (teens) to now (20s) is that I no longer go gaga over them light-skint pretty boys.”
LOL I agree with most of what you wrote here. And I don’t think these standards sound bougie at all! Although I find, as I get older and seek to date men my age or older, its hard to find someone who doesn’t have at least one child. It is not as desirable, but it is definitely something you have to consider, especially if you choose to date Black men…
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Nothing like being too choosey. Your life is yours and it has to work for you.
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The only thing I would like to add…
As I look at these list, something strikes me wrong about it. I feel a giant warning sign in my stomach about women with long list. Its not that I don’t measure up, or that you are not good enough to get that guy.
But when I see a long list, not only do I think cocky, I think high maintenance. The long list shows someone who isn’t easy going, doesn’t get along well with others, (and dare I say) you are not understanding.
Being Picky isn’t sexy. Its one of the things I can honestly say men look for in a long term lover.
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Anonymous deux Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I take my spirituality seriously-I need a man who is the same and has a moral compass that is contrary to what’s popular today.
I am educated-I need an educated man
I am neat-I need a tidy man
I am physically fit-I need a man who is fit or is working on it(not in theory but in practice)
I am a survivor – I need a strong man
I do not believe in divorce-I need a man who knows marriage is forever and does not have a quick fix mentality.
I am working on my honesty trait-I need a man who is doing the same.
Yes my list is long, and this is because I am mature enough to know what I need from a man to make a relationship work.
I have 4 brothers and I know they say this time and time again, they need “choosey” women, a woman with standards. Your standards help you weed through the individuals that you have no business dealing with.
PS-No where have I mentioned anything that would be considered high maintenance…not to say you are like this but I hear the whole “high maintenance thing” from lazy lazy men.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
The spirituality thing will forever be interesting to me. I’ma come back to this later.
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Anonymous deux Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
I wanted to make it less specific. For me that spirituality means I try to live by the Word because that’s what I believe and follow. For others that might be the Holy Koran, etc…whatever their beliefs might be.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 19th, 2009 at 11:41 am
I have been thinking about your comment all night. It just left me in a bad place in where black love and dating is going. Its not that your list is overbearing or OD, your list isn’t. Most men I know (minus a few gang member and fellow atheist) hit every mark. Its the fact that you have any list that worries me.
You know who I would compare ‘list women’ too, Chris Rock’s wife from “I think I love My Wife” (I hear that the orginal foreign film is was based off is a must see). The kind of women who maps out the minivans @ the car show! That is the kind of woman your brothers want to marry?! I’ll take Kerry Washington all day.. and you would too.
‘I am mature enough to know what I need from a man to make a relationship work.’
This is the point that had me thinking all night long. I just don’t feel we know enough. When we walk into relationships saying ‘I know, I know’, we are robbing our relationship from the ability to grow.
I’m just upset that the word “happy” didn’t appear on anyone’s list. It’s like no one cares about happiness in their relationships anymore.
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YOU BET that a handsome black lad such as myself is a
CHOOSY LOVER.You fat,fugly broads REALLY THINK I’d give you a second look?(or the FIRST if I can help it?)
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