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Coming Out Of The Closet
**Shout out to BlueFlame for proposing this topic!**
Peek-A-Boo. I see you.
I’m not talking about the homosexual closet, my friends. But if that’s where you find yourself, no judgments here.
Considering all that we (the Three Ways writers and readers) have shared with each other through our posts and comments thus far, it’s safe to say that we have been through some pretty interesting life experiences. These experiences, consisting of the good, the bad and the indifferent, have shaped who we are at the moment, how we view and experience the world, and how we feel about and view ourselves.
Between family drama, personal hell, financial issues, and run of the mill inner turmoil, life is complicated enough. But then you meet a nice young lady or a handsome dude, and things can really start to get foggy. No, not the windows of his jeep. As you start to get close to him or her, the natural inclination is to want to share parts of yourself (pause) with that person. You talk about your dreams and fears, as well as all the things you like and dislike. But sometimes there is still that one thing, or maybe a few things that you hold close that you’re hesitant to share. Maybe it’s that time you thronxed and fell for someone who was married or otherwise spoken for. Or maybe it’s that family secret that keeps you too embarrassed to bring the S.O. around. What about that period of time in undergrad that earned you the nick name “Draw Dropper”?
Maybe its something more painful that created some of your insecurities and helped to build up that wall around your heart. Whatever “it” is creates a mental and emotional space between you and Boopiece McLovin that you want to fill. The dilemma: you don’t know how to talk about “it” without putting yourself in a position to be rejected, judged, hurt, or misunderstood.
It isn’t necessarily about the what.
It’s not so much about what you have in your closet. To me, its more about the feeling you get right before you think you are ready to tell your boo what you’ve been hesitating to bring up. ::Enter anxiety and uncertainty stage left:: But how do you know when the time is right?
For me, it was a feeling I got. It wasn’t only about love. It was about trust and feeling secure. Consider these questions: Can you trust him or her with this part of your past and pain? Does he or she really deserve to know something that was so precious to you? Is he or she judgmental? The answer to these questions often came through the way I’d seen the ex handle the less dramatic (for lack of a better word) pieces of my life. But for some people, maybe there is something more concrete that can lead to opening that closet door.
Then again, are there some things that you shouldn’t feel compelled to tell about yourself? Maybe some stories and experiences are better left in the past. But does that mean you are being dishonest with your boo? Does an experience have to have a lasting impact on you before it becomes important to talk about or share with O’Cuddles? I put a lot of these questions out there because there is no real science to this coming out of the closet thing.
What are some things you have felt iffy about letting out of the closet of your past? How did you “know” when it was okay to do so? What were some signs that made you feel more comfortable? Was the risk of being rejected or getting your feelings hurt or dismissed worth the sense of relief? Let’s walk talk it out.
Miss - I have a combination and padlock on my closet door – Jenkins
34 Responses to “Coming Out Of The Closet”
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I would say one of my things was telling my girlfriends about my 1st girlfriend being my best friend. It was hard to do because naturally a woman thinks there is still feelings there. So I hide it initially but that created more drama than good. So I started telling people upfront and that made it easier for me. I said they will have to accept it because we are always going to be cool.
But we don’t talk nearly as much as we used to which I expected as our relationships with our S.O.’s have gotten stronger. Secondly I stress how she is #1 and there won’t be a point where she isn’t.
I just say tell them because the longer it goes on the more damage control that could be done especially if you care about the person.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Is your S.O. #1, or is your best friend?
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
THat’s what the hell I was thinking… J come out with it.
(BTW- I am the S.O. lol)
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I personally feel that there are certain aspects of my past that I feel need to be left in my past. Its not about being dishonest with your significant other. For me there have been issues that I have worked out and worked through a long time ago. Bringing these issues up wouldn’t do either of us any good.
Also, I would hope that in the event that I would choose to disclose such information my girl/wife wouldn’t judge me. Hopefully she would love me for who I am and not be judgemental. We all have pasts. Some may be more checkered than others but I don’t think that should matter.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 8:53 am
You’re right, it shouldn’t matter…but often it does. I’m not even just talkin’ pump partners/s*x. Sometimes it really just boils down to how much that event from the past clashes with someone’s beliefs or worldviews. I’m sure if I told a spiritual and christian boo that I used to worship satan and drink pig’s blood, she probably quick-be-gone. That reminds me, I need to hide that chalice…
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Tunde Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 9:29 am
what should that matter in the present if both of you are on one page and in one accord? using your example. if you a Christian now and you asked God for forgiveness of your sins then how can she still judge you? let he/she without sin cast the first stone, right?
anyway i do understand extreme situations like say, you used to be a child molester (and you somehow managed to not file with your local sex offender registry). i think your current partner should know this about you. but aside extreme situations and events i think its up to your discretion what you decide to share.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Word…discretion plays a huge role in this whole idea of sharing things with others. Some people may not be able to handle certain bits of goodness about you…sharing may not be worth whatever judgment or uncertainty or whatever else may come as a result.
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Tunde Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 9:47 am
exactly.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Tunde well said…
I think Miss Jenkins is right on!! ‘Discretion’. I think being able to gauge the person before you might even let out that one secret like Watergate is definitely key. If the person has a case of the green-eyed jealousy, then that person might not be open to hear about ex-man/girl at all. Hence as Miss Jenkins mentioned the results.
I also think common sense plays a huge role as well. Ignorance can be bliss, so don’t f’up the moment if the wave currents are at all-time low levels.
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I have parts of my past that I have not shared with my S.O because they don’t relate to him or us and it’s just a whole bag of worms that doesn’t need to be opened.
He has learned a lot about me by reading my blog though… bc I am way more candid on there than I am in real life…. writing is therapy for me.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I’d venture to say that a blog can be a skeleton in itself. Many of us, myself not included, keep our blogging pursuits out of our relationships. 8 months ago I probably would have never initially told a booski that I run a website and write for another. But now, it’s so much a part of my life that I don’t think I could avoid it.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Exactly.. I always swore I would avoid it… but I forget how, but I think I wanted him to read what I’d written one day….
I promised that I’d keep our business off the blog though…. which I wouldn’t want to put it on there anyway.. sure the blog is great to vent, but now I feel like everyone would know who I was talking about and that can incite drama.
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Tunde Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 10:41 am
yeah i make it a habit not too blog about relationship business or anything too personal. too many people that i know in personally read my blog.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 10:57 am
I would hate for my people in my real life… like friends and family to read my blogs. I vent about them alot.
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I have parts that I wont share with the SO b/c I dont think she really wants to know nor do I want to tell her. I’m sure she has some stuff up the sleeve too. That’s how it goes. I dont know everything about my bestfriends either. I feel comfy if I can earnestly feel that I know 95% of a person.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:07 am
How do you know you know that you know 95% of a person versus lets say, 75%? If they are keeping one thing from you, what’s to say there isn’t more they are holding back?
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Tunde Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:19 am
i would think if that person is that important to you then they wouldn’t hold that much information from you. especially if you are in a serious relationship. all you can do is hope/wish.
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Peyso Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:27 am
It’s a feeling, regardless of how much I tell you, there is no way of you knowing if I’m telling you everything. You just gotta go with the gut
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I recently shared some personal family issues with my SO. sometimes you just have to gauge when its relevant to mention if ever. He’s someone I talk to about things that bother me, so it was important to share as the issues were bothering me at that point.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I think family issues should be divulged when in a deep relationship with a SO. They’re almost always the person we lean on during tough times, so they would be at a disadvantage if they didn’t know why you’re upset, but just that you are.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Very true.
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Punky Tiffster,
I think these are some very valid situations that you bring up when it comes to letting out some of those personal skeleton’s from one’s closet.
I think it takes time to get to know the person and understand how they take you being honest about letting them know something about you that most may not know (which might include close homies or family members). Trust has to be one of the propelers with regards to letting someone know those deep secrets but at the same time whatever has been left unsaid, should probably stay unsaid depending on the level of severity.
As for men, I think it might be key to probe and investigate certain situations such as if your current female was known to ‘spread the love’ amongst the village is key information. This is a fine line between the male being labeled as patsy status or having a female that treats her pancakes as gold and does not let just any sausage lay next to it.
Pandora’s Box can be a beeeooootch!!
Peace during Madden/College FB/NFL season
-BBW aka WaYnEGaTe
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 11:34 am
lol @ Punky Tiffster,
“Trust has to be one of the propelers with regards to letting someone know those deep secrets but at the same time whatever has been left unsaid, should probably stay unsaid depending on the level of severity.”
Good point. It seems like there is some balance that has to be “felt out” and assessed before one opens that closet door.
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This issue is even more poignant as most of us start to get out of our inner circles from college, back home and the gig and stop meeting friends through friends. The game is different when you don’t have someone that can vouch/give you the scoop on said person.
You have to know the basics, and maybe a little more, to make a good decision. It’s an investment just like anything else. And my time is worth more than money. In addition, I’m not trying to end up like Sam Rothstein. Marrying an ex working girl and trying to turn her into a housewife. We all know how that ended up.
::Stayed up to 3am watching “Casino” last night. It’s still on the brain.::
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Patsy Status = Sam Rothstein = Lowering Levels of a Man’s Pride…LOL
Note: To the Whores of the Past, Future & Present,
Please note that NO man yearns for the occupation to ‘turning you into a housewife’. Loins that were or are being treated as revolving doors that everyone has pass through is no bueno. I think most men can live with the fact that the wedding dress being slightly off-white but if it is looking beige it can be costly to the pride.
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Anger Management Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
And that is EXACTLY why women will continue to keep that tidbit of information in the closet, or at least lie about it.
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I got a shout out! Woop woop!
I guess my “skeletons” affect the way that i approach/behave in relationships. i kno that it is something that should be divulged since it is such a large part of my life/behavior, but at the same time…im not sure how it will be received…because of that i choose to stay quiet instead of freakin that person out…But on the flip side…is it possible to have a truly healthy relationship if i don’t even feel comfortable divulging certain aspects of my life to a SO (or potential SO)? in essence i’m keeping a part of myself from that person and couldn’t that be a hinderance in the relationship? idk…that’s a hard one (pause)
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Yeah I feel you. When something about you has had such a large impact on you, it almost feels necessary to share it with someone, like they are at somewhat of a disadvantage if they don’t know. At times, I felt like I was hiding something (only when I really loved the man though). But its tough to know when, how, and whether that person will be able to handle the info.
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As a woman I don’t want to hear about a man’s past sexual escapades, sorry. As well I don’t think that it is essential for me to share what kinda pretzel shape I was bent up in and with who..like really how does that help strengthen a relationship???
However I am always interested to hear stories about the exes, but not right off that bat, please…but overtime -it helps w the research paper I’m working on about you.
If all this sharing is done in the very beginning , Its shows me that you are a little on the insecure side and that you may have lingering feelings for that person- not a place I’m in now or want to be in. But when the time is right and we are comfortable with each other..please take the floor.
I think that you should share past stories, dreams and all the inside scoop with someone who is emotionally equipped to handle it. Many times we get into relationships with ppl who have nice personalities, they are fun to be around, but when you test the waters and share a piece of the treasure chest..they appear standoffish….I think that in a balanced relationship w guy/girl the partner will make it easy and natural for you to divulge any “sacred” info you have that you feel like sharing…this may be in the way of asking questions, listening and asking more questions.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
“As well I don’t think that it is essential for me to share what kinda pretzel shape I was bent up in and with who..like really how does that help strengthen a relationship???”
LOL word. I think those types of skeletons should stay in the le closet.
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Streetztalk Reply:
August 17th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
WOW. *DEAD*
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THe best advice I can offer is to gauge the situation and if you are really going to be with the person long term, and your “secret” will directly affect them, then tell sooner than later or its a gamble.
I have stuff im takin to the grave regardless though lol
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Like everyone wrote before: sooner than later is best. If you’re not comfortable discussing the past then gloss over it, letting the S.O. know that you have yet to come to terms, but when you do yall will discuss further. Not talking about it won’t make it disappear so just be out with it already.
I got one secret that I’m taking to the grave, but I make up for it by being completely honest about everything else. I’m an open book, except for that one thing…
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Lol @ the closet.
I think some skeletons are definitely NOT allowed out the closet once they’ve been stored away. Like cheating. I don’t care how much people say honesty is the best policy, there’s no way I’m going to tell my bf I cheated on him – even though he might suspect it – no matter how long ago it was. That one’s going to the grave with me.
A la Michael Jackson: “Keep it in the closet!” lol
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