Confessions of an Interracial Dater
It was the usual weekday morning. I reluctantly stood in the bathroom brushing my teeth and cycling thru my thoughts as memories of the past couple weeks cycled thru my head. Images of nights consumed with drinking copious amounts of beer and liquor, indulging in what should be legal substances and laughing with hilarious people. From bars to lounges to people’s apartments to the streets, it’s been debauchery at it’s best. All compensating for some of the worst times I’ve ever experienced at my job. I chuckled at the memories of people I’ve met and events that occurred. Suddenly I realized, there weren’t that many sisters in those scenes. I really don’t come into contact with that many Black women anymore.
It’s not on purpose, it’s purely circumstantial. After college, I just don’t run into Black women on the regular. First off, I work in an industry where diversity is limited. To be blunt, I’m the only Black person in my whole department. It’s like that for the other handful of people of color sprinkled throughout the office. So work’s a no go. I have rules against that anyway. Then again if Cassie worked here, I’m sure I’d bend those rules. And her for that matter. In any case, that’s one.
I’m not at work all the time, just 70% of my life. After work and on the weekends, I go out to places where Black folks don’t congregate heavily. I’d rather go to the lounges and bars in the area than a club. I’m not going to pay $20 to go into some over packed club and then drop $10 for a watered down drink. Just not me. It’s a recession dammit! Besides my financial grievances with these spots, I can’t stand First Fridays or any other bougie Negro event. Not my scene. I’m a lot more comfortable in some chill spot wearing my eye-catching kicks, some “cool guy” shirt and some jeans. It’s what I wear to work and if I don’t get dressed up to the nines for work, what makes you think I’m going to do that for your monkey ass? That’s two.
Before I forget, please factor in to this whole situation that I’m also in one of the most homogenous cities in America. Black people are a rare commodity as it is. Then filter the small amount of single Black women by age, career, my likes, dislikes, interests, chemistry and you’ve dwindled the crowd down to a select few contestants. Then we have to be in the same place and the same time. So yeah, that’s three.
Not to mention, a lot of Black women aren’t into the same things I’m into. This past weekend I went to a design competition called Cut & Paste. I saw maybe three Black women there. One was about 40, one wasn’t my type, the other was with her White boo. Pretty indicative of this city. Anyway, I like creative, cool scenes. And like I was telling Slim the other day, the essential thing about dating is to find people who are interested in the things you’re interested in. You find those people in places you frequent. With that in mind, I feel no need to force myself to go out and search for a Black women to be by my side. I’m not opposed to dating Black women, but I’m not forcing it. Pause? Either way, that’s four.
I’m pointing out all these factors to bring to you a different perspective about interracial dating. Sometimes it’s circumstantial. Not every brother out there is targeting White women, has it out for the sisters or lacks the backbone to have a relationship with a Black woman. I’m a dude. I like women. A lot. Furthermore, I like attractive women. It doesn’t get more basic than that. Shallow maybe, but still basic. Plus I have no problem with skin color. As long as it’s not orange. Nothing’s more of a turn off than the fake bake. So if I meet more women of other shades and complexions than I do Black women, I will be dating women of color who aren’t Black. I’m just going after the young ladies that I vibe with and that are in my vicinity. The beautiful ones anyway. At the end of the day, a brother has needs.
Seattle – My Exes Could Be The Next Benetton Kids – Washington
70 Responses to “Confessions of an Interracial Dater”
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Hmm… Interesting.
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definitely true. and that’s completely understandable. I only take issue with those that say “I only date black, white, asian, latino etc…” If it’s circumstantial or it’s just who you love\like whatever but if you only actively date a particular race I find that sketchy
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I feel the exact same way, Seattle. Everything you said is exactly on point. With respect to lounges, it seems like a “lounge” is becoming just another club with a sofa or 2. Real lounges are getting harder to find.
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Are we not going to discuss the fact that white girls are easier and more likely to give you head? Are we really going to sit here and pretend like there is a difference between the way race (and maybe more importantly culture) treat men. Asians are more submissive. Latino women are more nurturing. Black women are more sassy. White girls are better risk takers. Jewish girls are carefree.
Man I love pussy. I believe Young Money Ent said it best ‘I wish I could fuck every girl in the World’. Just like men are driven to sleep with multiple women, we lust for multiple races. You are all so different, its like pokemon, you gotta catch em all.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Honesty is the best policy.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:17 am
“You are all so different, its like pokemon, you gotta catch em all.”
LMAO.. I have to use this one.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I’ll take the opportunity to clear this up quickly. For far too long, white women have been given credit and taken credit for being quick to give/best at head. Not so. Latinas really got that dept on smash. I just thought I’d give credit where credit is due. Thank you for your time.
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Reina Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:19 am
“For far too long, white women have been given credit and taken credit for being quick to give/best at head. Not so. Latinas really got that dept on smash.”
I’m not at all sure how I should take this. j/k. Kinda.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Take it in stride, Queen.
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I’m a live and let live type of sister myself. So I never go off on brothers who date interracially. Whether it’s by circumstance (like in your case, Seattle) or by preference. I say do who you like.
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“I really don’t come into contact with that many Black women anymore.”
CONGRATULATIONS!!! What’s your secret? Inquiring minds want to know….
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:21 am
““I really don’t come into contact with that many Black women anymore.”
CONGRATULATIONS!!! What’s your secret? Inquiring minds want to know….”
Flavor Flav: “wooooooooowwwwww”
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:30 am
You know Flav?
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Just as much as you do. :p
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Ziggy Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:01 am
you know you wrong…
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I can understand what you are saying.
I have always been raised around 2520s; I lived in their neighborhoods (and not the rich ones), worked with them (I’m the only black at my job) and went to their predom schools for my ENTIRE LIFE.
But somehow, I still can’t date one. I pledge allegiance to my brothas who I’m looking for like “where’s waldo?”
But I understand your plight, whatever works.
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Ziggy Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 9:59 am
I feel you Nicki. Same here. I’ve been around “them” most of my life, but I could never see myself seriously being with a 2520 (I still dont know where y’all got 2520 from, but imma roll wit it). I dont down anybody who chooses to date outside of their race, my brother has mixed children, but I cant lie I feel some kinda way when I see a blk man with a wht women.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I think it came off of VSB.. the letters YT.. Y is the 25th letter and T is the 20th
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:07 am
Ehh, just to be clear. I haven’t dated any White women. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
In all my multicultural adventures, I haven’t come across one that’s peeked my interest sufficiently to actually date.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:12 am
I like how everyone assumed you meant white women. I think people often forget that interracial goes beyond just black and white.
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Cheekie (A Meeting Kept Me From ThreeWays Yesterday. Die Meetings! Die!) Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 11:41 am
“I think people often forget that interracial goes beyond just black and white.”
And interestingly enough, I’ve noticed much less sistas giving side-eyes at brothas that decide to go with a Latina, especially if they’re on the darker side (i.e. Puerto Rican). I’ve always heard jokes like “Oh, he datin’ a Dominican? That don’t count as interracial dating”.
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Back on the Scene, its PEYSO Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Dating Dominicans and Puerto Ricans and any other hispanics that occassionally come in a shade as dark as Wesley Snipes does not count as interracial. Asian does though
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I really don’t consider the other races as much as taboo.. simply bc they are a minority.. they don’t know our struggle, but they did have a struggle.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
“In all my multicultural adventures, I haven’t come across one that’s peeked my interest sufficiently to actually date.”
Got ya.. that is where I assumed. Sowwy!
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I feel like we have a similar situation, I also work for a company where I am the only person of color in my dept, and I live in an area with a smaller number of Black people. Yet for me, I’ve had dating struggles, simply because the men I mostly come in contact with (White with a few Latinos and Asians) don’t seem to be checking for Black women. Someone told me that no matter how curious a White man is or how much he likes you, most aren’t going to take the plunge because there is still such a stigma with dating a Black women.
*sigh* oh well.
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I think it’s time for more black men and women to take a live and let live approach to dating. The fact of the matter is interracial dating isn’t going anywhere. We’re seeing a surge in black women dating interracially and still both sides feel like they need to justify it.
True, there are some black men and black women who are jerks and don’t date black folks because they have some ridiculous hang-up about black culture. When you get down to it who gives a crap about those kinds of people, anyway?
For some it’s about who they’re around more, for others it’s about wanting to be open to new opportunities and experiences. Doesn’t mean they care less about black folks than the black couple down the block. It bothers me when we use people’s private dating decisions to determine how they feel about other aspects of the world when they haven’t said anything like that.
[stepping off my soapbox]
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Starbucks…well noted!!
There is nothing wrong with your portfolio having an intercontinental look to it. I’ve never skied the Scandinavian slopes or the Swiss Alps with the bunnies but if you tend to find commonalities with the opposite sex that is racially different from you …FUCK IT!!! Roll with it….
The only time when it gets challenging is when the intercontinental prospects go from potential to definite. Then, the trials and tribulations of interracial relationships come into play but that’s a another episode.
As long as you’re kickin’ it and having fun there is no problem with being diversified.
Peace in Baghdad,
-BBW aka The Prince of Darkness
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:28 am
In addition my comments about “a portfolio having an intercontinental look” refers to not just white….FYI
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
SI!
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
You’re a clown…LOL
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Si, estoy un payaso!
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Urban Sophistication Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
hilarious BBW, whats your catalog looking like these days…. HA!
any who, the sistas might have to conduct a meeting to see if we want to take you back into our world again. Its bad enough people have being using the “recession” for every excuse under the sun. But since there is one, then why not…I’ll nominate you back into our dating pool.
~just my thoughts
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RightCoastLexSteele, Pum Pum Conqueror Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
Oh he won’t coming back. And if that nomination makes it to the floor, I’ll make sure the Council of Cocksmen promptly filibusters until we can get that motion off the floor. What’s done is done.
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*Sigh*
Ok… I’ll give you this one.
Sounds reasonable enough.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:43 am
If you were up here running this city, maybe it would be a different story…
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Interracial Dating has never inspired a raised eyebrow from me. Maybe it’s because I’m a circumstance of such.
On the other hand, walking hand-in-hand with a black male has earned me my share of suspicious looks. I don’t think it falls into the category of interracial dating, but I assume because one cannot detect that I have an African-American parent upon a mere glance, they assume that the male in question has crossed over.
Eh, whatever. I say do you. Your only obligation is to yourself. Dating based on what others may think will leave you unhappy and be doing a disservice to yourself.
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I completely understand your situation. I’m a black woman who loves black men. I live in Dallas so there are many to choose from… if I was lenient on my tastes, likes and dislikes. And I do know many brothas that only date white. I know many mixed race families, especially at my multinational, nondenominational church. Would I date outside of my race?? I can’t say.
No one other than black men and old white balding men has ever showed interest in me. I do get squeamish, not upset or mad, when I see a black man with a woman of another race… Asians more than white women, don’t know why…
And when I see a black woman with a man of another race, I’m wondering how it’s going, does it feel the same (whatever “it” you want to apply), how deep is the love that they can overcome the minor differences that we make a big deal out of.
I’m willing to try if the opportunity presents itself because I do find some White, Asian, Indian, German, Latino men attractive…. I swear the white guy upstairs has a thing for me… he’s so goofy, lol.
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I like em brown, yellow puerto rican or hatian
I keep that white girl
WHITE GIRLLLLL, You got it going onn…..
“I got this Spanish chica, she don’t like me to roam
So she call me cabron plus marricon”
“I got this French chick that love to french kiss
She thinks she’s Bo Derek, wear her hair in a twist”
“I got this indian squaw the day that I met her
Asked her what tribe she with, red dot or feather”
“I got this black chick, she don’t know how to act
Always talkin out her neck, makin her fingers snap”
Sorry I didnt have anything productive to add to this dialogue….
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Seattle Washington Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Jigga’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” has been my theme song since it debuted. Encapsulates my dating resume in a couple bars. Thanks for throwing that into the mix Sir Peyso.
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Its always going to be a sore spot for women of color to know that men of color date outside of the race. With that said, the reality is simply the circumstances of the writer. I, personally am an equal opportunity dater with a preference for men of color. Again, the reality is, in MY world finding a compatiable man of color its the equalivent to taking a shot in the dark.
As a woman of color with my own experiences and personal preferences witheld, I support the writer in a quest to find a compatiable mate foremost, with a concentration on th external lastly.
As a summary, glancing at very few of the postings I am a bit ashamed to know that some people think the way they do. While there is nothing wrong with having a preference, pride and a love for the men and/or women of your race, that shouldn’t manifest itself by voicing negative sterotypes against another race, religion, or creed. Whether they’re minority or majority, biast and degratory racial statements are wrong. No matter the source.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I concur. Maybe I missed the memo, but can someone remind me again why a brother dating outside their race gets black women upset?
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
“Maybe I missed the memo, but can someone remind me again why a brother dating outside their race gets black women upset?”
There are many reasons, but here’s one:
When European standards of beauty are constantly thrown at Black women, it’s kind of a slap in a face when they see their own kind gravitating toward 2520 women.
And there are a lot of brothas out there that feel like getting the 2520 chick is an “upgrade” or a “prize” of some sort. Tell me what’s up with that?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
“And there are a lot of brothas out there that feel like getting the 2520 chick is an “upgrade” or a “prize” of some sort. Tell me what’s up with that?”
I thought that was more so a joke nowadays than anything else for the common folk. Using Hollywood and star athletes as an example prolly isn’t the best, but those are the people that are most notorious for this.
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and1grad Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
“And there are a lot of brothas out there that feel like getting the 2520 chick is an “upgrade” or a “prize” of some sort. Tell me what’s up with that?”
At what point do black women get tired of using this old & outdated empty rhetoric? A white woman hasnt been an upgrade or prize since around and slightly after the time of slavery. After that, wasnt it pretty much considered reckless/dangerous or just surprising?
Seriously, when was the last time you saw any man, of any race, be actually in awe of a black man that got a white woman?
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 10:54 pm
“At what point do black women get tired of using this old & outdated empty rhetoric?”
Yeah, people are always really quick to say something is “tired” or “outdated” when they don’t want to confront it. And saying the idealization of white women (and white people period) doesn’t exist or is outdated is more bull than a Chicago basketball team.
The European standards of beauty is very real and very much a problem in our community. The pedestal women in our own community are held upon because they have “whiter” features is a testament to that. So, what would make this theory exempt when it comes to a real white woman? As a matter of fact, it would actually be exemplified.
“Seriously, when was the last time you saw any man, of any race, be actually in awe of a black man that got a white woman?”
I’m not sure how me saying I’ve never witnessed this stand-alone example would — by default — represent as proof that this feeling towards white women doesn’t exist. Seriously, does a feeling have to be outwardly expressed for it to exist? Mofos don’t need to go around yelling from the rooftops that they value 2520 chicks for me to deem it true. It’s the actions. Every single instance can’t just be circumstance or coincidence.
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and1grad Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
I dont know how you figure I’m not confronting it when I responded to your post about it but ok. The argument really wasnt about an existence of a European standard of beauty, but if you want to speak to that, you’ll want to direct it more at your sistren than at brothers. Women beat each other up in terms of how they look FAR more, in fact probably exponentially more, than any man does. With that in mind, I cant help but think that your labeling of a white woman as a prize is more in your eyes than in another man’s. So maybe the question you should ask yourself is “Why do I view white women as a prize rather than myself?”
So, the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence? All your second paragraph seems to say is that you dont know it to be true but you think it is. But if you didnt have anything to base it on, why would you think it exists? What actions? Is there some form of shrine that I dont know about? Church of Latter Day White Women?
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Cheekie Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 12:38 am
“I dont know how you figure I’m not confronting it when I responded to your post about it but ok. ”
You disregarded the possibility of my statement by saying it was an “outdated” excuse. That was what I mean by saying you weren’t confronting the issue. By saying it’s outdated, you’re essentially saying there isn’t an issue to confront period.
“The argument really wasnt about an existence of a European standard of beauty, but if you want to speak to that, you’ll want to direct it more at your sistren than at brothers.”
It was about European standards of beauty, because I noted it as an example to support the exact claim you quoted me on.
“With that in mind, I cant help but think that your labeling of a white woman as a prize is more in your eyes than in another man’s. So maybe the question you should ask yourself is “Why do I view white women as a prize rather than myself?””
Yeah, but see, this would only work if there weren’t concrete examples of what I’m trying to convey. Remi excellently noted a few of those below. This ish ain’t in my head, man. I really don’t want to come across as some bitter woman (because, despite how ya’ll treat us, I LOVE ya’ll), but like any issue in our community, what heats me more than the issue itself is the blatant disregard of said issue. We can’t tackle this mess without acknowledging it head-on, even if it’s not in some pretty package. Hell, especially so.
Also, I do acknowledge that my fellow sisters do the same exact thing. Guess how much that erases the feeling felt when brothas do it. Not at all.
“So, the absence of evidence is not evidence of absence? All your second paragraph seems to say is that you dont know it to be true but you think it is. But if you didnt have anything to base it on, why would you think it exists? What actions? Is there some form of shrine that I dont know about? Church of Latter Day White Women?”
LMAO, you’re taking everything literal as hell. Mofos running around glorifying women with whiter features and tearing down women with blacker features ain’t evidence enough? There’s gotta be some blatant “Okay, I admit it, we love 2520s better” legal statement submitted to the Supreme Court for it to be deemed accurate? GTFOH with that. Again, women aren’t pulling this ish outta nowhere.
I’m not saying that each and every interracial dating occurence has to have some socially-studied reason behind it. Sometimes love is love. I love love. I love when ninjas find love, whomever they happen to find that with.
But, it’s not cool to disregard the very valid feelings felt from sisters when their brothas constantly leave them out in the dirt, usually for reason that cause them to question their beauty and self-worth. I know it’s frustrating to hear the complaining if you haven’t personally committed the “crime”, but it’s insulting — to say the least — to pretend as if we’re pulling this ish outta nowhere and not even attempt to be open in hearing us.
Damn, damn, damn, James!
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and1grad Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 1:28 am
“It was about European standards of beauty, because I noted it as an example to support the exact claim you quoted me on.”
It DOESNT support it. And there doesnt need to be a legal document, but doesnt there need to be SOMETHING? Otherwise, seems more like you’re the one “pretending.”
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Cheekie Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 8:31 am
and1grad, there is “something” (I’ve already presented to you real life examples expressed by me and others here) and honestly, if you don’t want to see it, then there’s honestly nothing I can do about it.
I tried. Moving on…
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To answer RightCoastLexSteele
For me (to reiniterate, FOR ME) I generally don’t have a problem with it. As with everything there are exceptions to the rules.
There are many reasons as to why black women get upset about it, some personal experiences and some bias. I can only speculate (for brevity reasons I’m going to speak in generalities ONLY.)
The largest being that black women are not generally accepted as viable valuable dating options for relationships, marriage, etc because of our history with society. Times have changed and its less of an issue, but it is still an issue and an uphill battle at that.
So for black women to feel as though they are not “dating options” in society because of their skin color/”culture” is a hard to deal with; finding out that black women are not viable candiates for the same reason with black men is just a slap in the face/stab in the back.
Black men twist the knife thats been stabbed, so to speak, when they chose women who by society standards are considered viable and valuable dating options.
Again, this is my speculation as a black women and know that I speak in generalities for sake of brevity.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I understand you are speaking generally for others, but since you are the only one that responded, I must inquire of you:
How are we stabbing them in the back? Who’s fault is that black women arent as “marketable” as other women? I’m pretty sure that most black men that now date someone of a different race has their own unique reason for doing what they do, just like Portland over here.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I concur with LCLS!!! When did “WE” …Us black men, betray black women!?!
The funny thing about it, LOL….I have never seen a black man flip out when a gorgeous black woman is dating a dude outside her race.
Even in pop culture it has been depicted of how betrayed black women feel when someone “takes” their black man. The film Jungle Fever had a scene where Black women were upset, pissed, mad and/or disrupted by Mr. Snipes ski slope moment. The pow-wow session was like a meet the press for black women.
But in the film Guess Who (w/Bernie Mac & Ashton Kutcher) I don’t remember seeing a scene where brothers were flipping out. I know these are two separate films (one is a comedy/one is a drama) but they both touch on the taboo of seeing individuals outside their race.
Not to be offensive but there have been pop culture discussions about Asian men not being “marketable” but I don’t see them get as upset as black women (But they do give an evil eye if their woman is on the arm of someone not Asian).
I have a question for Black women. Now, are black women mad when they see an attractive black male with a woman that isn’t black? OR is it a “I feel like the walls are closing in” type of moment?
And also please let us know where is the betrayal?
(Sidenote: I am aware the women in Jungle Fever had a reason to be upset to being with because Snipes’ character commited adultery.)
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
When I see a black woman with a dude another race, I stop what I am doing and give a riveting standing ovation.
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
“I have never seen a black man flip out when a gorgeous black woman is dating a dude outside her race. ”
I’ve never seen a Black man flip out, but I’ve heard dozens of “What’s wrong, sista? What happened?! Couldn’t find no Black man so you had to settle? *looks at ass* He can’t handle all THAT!!” or variations of that mess.
So, while it’s not flipping out, it’s in the same family. Potato, Po-tah-to.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
They are only in the same family because they are considered reactions from other people. But you’re not gonna hear a black man say “THEY ARE TAKING OUR SISTERS AWAY!!”
At the end of the day, a black man isn’t gonna take it so hard as compared to a black woman would in my opinion.
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
“They are only in the same family because they are considered reactions from other people.”
They’re not only reactions, but reactions based off of some assumed obligation to your race. The reason why Black women take it harder is because we feel we’re more loyal to said obligation. It ain’t no coincidence that that “Something New” is only now becoming vastly popular, and most of it is based off getting tired of waiting around for (good) brothas who don’t want them.
“But you’re gonna hear a black man say “THEY ARE TAKING OUR SISTERS AWAY!!””
Yeah, and it’s easier for a Black man to avoid saying it because they have more sisters to choose from. Saying “they’re taking our sisters away” wouldn’t even make sense as far as ratios go.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
The “we” goes back the sense of community that has been fostered in black folks over generations, to a benefit and a detriment (this will be a larger post topic). Whenever there is an issue within, or outside of “our community” “we” are expected to take a side, and thus feel a certain, collective way. So when one man, or thousands over time have done something i.e. date white women, the reaction is to collectively label it an act of a group i.e. black men (a part of the big “we”), against, black women, the other part of the “we”. The tendency is to group it all acts with similar results together, regardless of how the individual situation originated or ended up.
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You pose a very interesting perspective, Sir Washington. One that a woman in love with the idea of my milk chocolate (and caramel) brothers dating and marrying women within their race, must seriously take note of. ::two long hand claps::
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Mr. Steele (thats kind of awesome to say!)
To answer your rebuttal (I really thought more persons would have responded to my general commentary)
I think its a two-fold thing to find fault. I feel that a part of it is society, that we (yes, black people as a whole)are thought of at as the least valuable racial group. Sad we haven’t overcome that yet, but thats where it is. So for black women not being as valuable (I don’t think I said marketable) its the same sigma that has been addressed as far as black men being “brought home” to almost any other race. Its the same thing that black women face, but largely is not the subject of movies and books as it has been for our counterparts, black men. With time, comes change. For me personally, though I “get them” and date “them” romantically (any other race but my own) its not simply because I’m cute and compatiable, but because I am those things AND they have a “thing” (openness, affinity, preference, whatever you want to call it) for black women. Like everything in the world, if that doesn’t have a harmonally balance then it too, doesn’t work.
The 2nd part is that fault can be found with black women. For myself, its been instilled through my father and family men I grew up with, that yes, you are to be with a black man. Thats a personal lesson taught to me. Again, I’m an equal opportunity dater and most black woman are making the changeover as well. Its our own fault for not spreading our wings outside of just our men. It shouldn’t be a setting that we only recently changed; because that way of thinking is the exact reasoning why we are fall low on the dating totem pole.
Where the back stabbing comes (I like using metophors and similes, though that one was a bit too harsh) in is the bias and general thinking by SOME black women. Instead of assuming a black man is with someone of another racial group because of the love that he has for her as a person; the assumption is that “he doesn’t like/respect/date/has turned his back/has sold out/has been turned out by/jumped on easy sex” as the reason for him dating/marrying that women who isn’t black.
As I had started out, its about generalities and assumptions. Because I don’t assume and I try not to generalize anyone’s personal choices, decisions or experiences, I don’t have a problem with black men dating outside of the race. I was just hoping to shed some light on my personal theory and most importantly exchange different ideas with some new people. I hoped it would’ve been more of a group activity…
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
It is very awesome to say.
I thought more people would answer too, but thanks for being the spokesperson.
I get what you are saying, but what I’m still trying to figure out is how we have aided in the devaluation? It has been my experience most of my adult life to hear black women say constantly “N*ggas aint shit” or complain about the masses of black men. Maybe that’s just the immaturity of the women in my peer group, but that in my mind is devaluation by word of mouth. I’m not saying that black men dont say things negative about black women, but how is it that our choice to date outside our race makes black women less valuable in the eyes of men of other races? What I eat doesnt make anyone else shit, so what gives?
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
“What I eat doesnt make anyone else shit…”
LMFAO. I just wanna express how lovely this expression is. Need to use this, pronto.
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Remi Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Well, when black men say negative things about black women, whether based on stereotypes or whatever and then date another race, it leads certain ignorant people to believe that these negative stereotypes are true about all black women. I had a really honest conversation with one of my white male friends and this is exactly what he said some white men think. If black men don’t want black women and say all these negative things about black women, these things are probably true, and therefore, why should we date them. I’m assuming if there are white men who think this way, there are men of other races who think this way as well.
Just adding my two cents about interracial dating in general, I have a white friend who only dates black men and I’m not sure why she told me this, but one of her Asian friends got into it with some black female at a party and said “that’s why their men don’t want them.” She went on to talk about how her black boyfriend says black women look like gorillas and all other sorts of nonsense and that’s why he would never date a black woman. So even though I hope that most black men who date interracially don’t think that way about black women. Knowing that’s how some black men think, I can’t help but feel a little bit bothered when I see a black man with an Asian or white woman. Now I don’t give looks or anything foolish like that, but I do notice.
So what you eat doesn’t make what every else eats shit, but when you say the stuff you don’t eat is shit and act like it is, whether true or not, there will be those who believe you.
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Just A Thought Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Just a question, why would you still be friends with a woman who very likely holds the same opinions as her boyfriend? I mean, is the only reason she’s around you is that “you’re not like that?” I would have cut her off immediately, because anyone who says nothing with that kind of self-hating racist rhetoric is being spewed agrees with it by default, and I couldn’t have continued to be her friend.
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Cheekie Reply:
March 17th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
“It has been my experience most of my adult life to hear black women say constantly “N*ggas aint shit” or complain about the masses of black men. ”
I do want to note this because despite the above, Black women are still loyal to their brothas. This is the difference between Black women and Black men. Despite how ya’ll treat us, we still remain loyal to you…we still view you as primary dating material as a whole. And in turn, ya’ll use what you hate about us and how we treat you as justification for swaying to another color palette. I see ya’ll dappin’ each other when you offer
excusesreasons as to why you give up on us, but even throughout all the “ninjas ain’t ish” talk we spew, we’re STILL there for you. And somehow, that ain’t enough.Keep in mind, the Something News of the world are mostly in reaction to not having any other option. It’s kind of the “if I can’t beat ‘em join ‘em” mentality. And, honestly, it’s like a damn consolation prize. We sistas don’t have enough to choose from as it is — even if you erase the fact that more and more of ya’ll are choosing to stop dating us — it still leaves us with a more of us than more of ya’ll. So, since the already slim pickins are practically malnutritioned, we take what the hell we can get.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
March 18th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Cheekie is holdin if down for the ladies in this post!
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Mr. Steele (again!!)
Well said!
I think that alot of races are guilty of negative comments towards another of the same race but different gender.
I’m sorry that some your experiences have been that the describtion of black men are being held in a negative regard. Every women I grew up with loved and praised black men; fathers, uncles, grand-dads and my brothers are of quality and have been regarded and treated as kings. From their women(us, their family) foremost. Because that’s been my upbringing I treat my men the same way.
I’ve personally haven’t ever felt that way about black men(aren’t s^!t) , nor any of my females friends that I chose to associate with; black or otherwise. Trust and believe I’ve sat in on some MEN bashing sessions, but that covered ALL men and was not exclusive to one group. If anything age, played the biggest part in anyones bias….
As far as aiding in the devaluation, black men have (and I don’t mean that in generalities, there have been specific cases, though not you that I know of) publically renounce black women as being less viable and valuable because of our blackness;that comes through behavior, vocalizing, and lack thereof vocalization and/or support when publically rejected by any other racial group.Alot of other races don’t boast that same pitfall. Its magnified by black men doing it, because of the large scale and regularity in which it happens, publically for others to see and form opinion on.
So when your choice as a black man is made (especially those in the public eye) of someone outside of your own, other races believe yet another stereotype of the black race. The thought process of “if their own kind don’t want them, why would we?” is an easy one to follow. Again on such a large public scale.
When your choice as a black man is made of someone outside of your own, an unfortunate side effect is that black women are reminded of that message that has been put out there or in some cases, told specifically to what you think is an angry black woman, by men of another race and by her own black male.
The message that she is less than other women simply because she is black, that because she has to alter herself to look “acceptable” is still not enough to make her acceptable to her “own” men, that her blackness that she should wear with pride, is the reason why she may never experience marriage, children or life-long love with a compatiable mate (black or otherwise) is enough to make most anyone angry.
Not to lay blame on the black male for any or all of the black woman’s problems, but an old saying that “take care of home, first” comes to mind. As a black woman, who has not been married, no children, career and a college degree, statisically, I am going to die alone. Its a proven fact, that I, statiscially have a large chance of never being married, and/or have children. Because of the combination of those things, that would make most other races a more viable mate is the same combination that puts me in that sad statistic. When you see the numbers, you personalize it, and in doing so I have to say its not for lack fo trying to find some one of quality. I do refuse to settle to “beat the odds”.
Again, thats enough to make most angry.
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I’m late to this post, but I cosign w/ everything in Stephany King’s last two comments.
I’d also like to add that a lot of black men do not acknowledge their latent racism/colorism. I have had MANY experiences where a black man would repeated praise my skin color (and I’m not that light). I’ve had black men mistake me for being racially mixed or Spanish, and then be visibly disappointed when I informed them that I am black. I had two black men wax rhapsodic about how much they love Spanish women, forgetting that they’d met me before with a less diverse group (mostly black) and hadn’t given me the time of day. I haven’t faced such ignorance from any other group of men ever, and it has gotten worse since I left college and entered the workforce.
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What the hell did I miss??!!! lol
Ahh interacial dating…*sigh* I prefer a brother. I am even more determined to stick with my brothers because a few of my rainbow brite friends keep suggesting that i start dating my other side (asian dudes) or even a white dude because they will “treat me better” wtf!??
Get out of my face with that!!
If i give any man the time of day its because we see eye to eye..not because he will cater to me…cuz i can cater to my damn self!!!
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True words! I’ve had alot of similar experiences as Just A Thought, in regards to being asked (with incredulity, moreso when I say “yes”, with offense taken) if I’m “just black”! I’ve also had the comments that Trapped in Toronto has had about better treatment etc,. I’ve never drank THAT Kool-Aid…
As I said, I’m as I call it, an equal-opportunity dater. Despite the problems we as a race have within our selves, I love and support the brothers. With exceptions, the brothers of this world are definitely valuable and I see and understand how any and other races are ready to jump on the band-wagon. Bottom line to alot of this is that black women, do value our brothers, which is why its not easy to see anything that one values and loves seen taken away. On such a large scale too…..
Our challenge as black women is making sure WE “take care of home first” as well!
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Stephany King’s post @ #19, and this post overall, was very enjoyable, frustrating, and well, duly noted I guess. Affirmed many things and nothing at all, like lots of other things in life. I would say in response to the commentary as a whole a) its interesting and quite usual that the black men representing themselves as such on the site can write so eloquently–sometimes– and yet remain so happily and conveniently ignorant, in writing and joking about the many falsehoods that were written and addressed above, so much so that not one has responded since, b) also interesting is that the black women who have claimed, and rightly so, to be the unappreciated, undervalued continuous supporters of these self satisfied conveniently-ignorant black men seem to tout this as a victory somehow, and more importantly seem on course to remain as fiercely loyal as ‘we’ have for decades, c) what lies at stake with regard to this issue is not simply who remains (un)happily single/(un)happily married, (un)happy single mothers (read: me with a 70/30 mix of ‘un’ sprinkled in now and again), etc. and with whom we are eventually tied to, but what does the black family look like in 70 years as a result of this, the systemic issue of (yes) racism and the social repurcussions it continues to effect in our lives, and d) why is so much of our life tied to having a man anyway? I can say with a considerable amount of certainty that I would not want to date any number of the happily ignorant and conveniently misinformed men that are happily dating Lauren as well as Shanequa. There are conveniently ignorant successful black men dating both white and black women–my point is I will hold out (yes sexually as well although I know this isn’t the cellibacy post) for the man who makes me happy (vice versa of course), and if he doesn’t arrive, then that’s what will happen, isn’t it? But as someone who wanted to be a mother, I made a choice to become a single parent, because I didn’t want to risk the chance that when/if this man comes along, I wouldn’t be willing or able to have children. I have realized, just like the cab driver shaking his head at my $2 tip not knowing the details of my bank account or the depths of my pockets (or lack thereof), I can’t walk around SMH at what I see that I don’t have, and think that I should. I am not in anyone else’s relationship but mine, and instead of thinking about how he’s probably so happy with her and she doesn’t even deserve a good man like that, I need to focus my thoughts on making the life me and my daughter have as rich as possible con or sans man (since ya’ll want to be interracial with it). I would rather focus on raising my daughter to be able to recognize the makings of a good man, but occupying her time intelligently until he recognizes the makings of a good woman. I would rather mothers focus on raising their sons to recognize the makings of a good woman and readying themselves to be heads of their households than about trying to hook them up with a pretty green eyed and light skinned girl. Somewhere down the line things that shouldn’t have mattered as much to US began to, and we need to put the blinders back on to the sideshows and get ourselves back on track with advancing ourselves so that we don’t continue to replicate this imbalance between our women and men. We won’t have much of a future at all if we don’t get focused on that.
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