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The Good Die Young
Rest in Peace...
As January 1, 2010 rolled around, everyone was all excited about the new year. People were hype about leaving old habits, jacked-up friends, and broke down relationships in 2009. People tweeted about their new work out plans, and told the world they would be new people in the new year. Everyone talked about all the hope and renewed sense of purpose January 1st would baptize them with.
For me, the approach of the new year didn’t feel as hopeful. I found myself looking toward the new year with apprehension. In 2009, I rang in the new year with the same sense of hope that everyone else had. But 25 days into the new year, that sense of hope quickly faded.
A year ago today, the world lost a very special young man named Dennis. He was shot and killed as he walked into his apartment building. We called each other cousins, but had no blood relation. Still, the pain of his death stings as though we did. I remember getting the news early that Sunday morning and having no words. I was sitting at my dining room table when I got the call, and can remember the way my stomach sank to my feet. I remember being too shocked to cry right away, kinda in disbelief. I remember feeling sick for days, and feeling bad for to asking God why, but doing it anyway. I remember thinking about how his mother and sister felt, and how his line brothers would feel when they would all get together and be without one of their own.
While I was dealing with losing Dennis, Craig, a man who I had known for a few months bought me flowers and offered his condolences. That was Thursday. By Sunday, he too had passed away in a car accident, 1 week to the day of Dennis’ death.
By this point, I was fearful that everyone I knew would somehow meet their demise. I blamed myself: something about me caused people being connected to me to meet “untimely” deaths. My world was starting to fall apart. School work was an after thought. All I wanted to do was sleep and wallow in all the negative emotions I was feeling. Crying never felt so easy.
During this time, I re-learned something that many of us take for granted: God places people in our lives for very specific reasons. Both Dennis and Craig were men under the age of 30. Both were ambitious and full of realistic potential. Yet, both died. Most would say they died too young. However, as I think back to my relationships with both of these men, I believe that the value of a life lost is not found in the length of a person’s life; its about the way he or she impacted the lives of others. In these men, I found the good nature that people can possess, and for this I am eternally grateful. Craig taught me to be appreciated, and not to settle for less than I deserved. Dennis taught me to smile at life, and to pursue dreams passionately and unrelentingly. Both showed me what compassion felt like.
As I grieved, I learned to how to be vulnerable. I learned to lean on people and accept offers of help. I often like to fight my own battles, but I was blessed with people in my life who were able to throw punches when I didn’t have the energy to throw them myself. When I needed help getting out of bed, they were there. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, or some Puffs with Lotion to wipe my tears, they were there. As I regained my strength, they were beside me to make sure I could make the walk.
When I looked toward the start of this year, I was worried that this month would bring some more faith-testing events my way. But as I looked back on what happens when pain begins to heal, I was reminded that faith-testing is a necessary part of this journey called life. Our tests may vary, but as the journey progresses through the victories and struggles, the potential for growth exists in us all. I remember thinking that I was going to stay fearful and that I would need to take a semester off from school. But I also remember learning that each day is another chance to do better and be better. Dennis and Craig taught me to appreciate people while they are here, tell them I appreciate them, and to try to be my best, every day.
I have had plenty of bad days between last January and now; those days will continue to come. But I try to appreciate them all. I try to take the good from people and experiences. And just as I do when I think of Dennis and Craig, my hope is that when people think of me, while I’m here and when I’m gone, they will be able reflect on good things that we gained from each other.
What are some experiences that have impacted your journey thus far? Was the experience and/or its impact foreseeable? Does being caught off-guard change the way something affects you? How did you react at first, and what were you able to take from it, positive or negative?
Living life one day at a time,
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This post brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me (not that I needed it) that this new year brings the tenth anniversary of the death of a good friend, whose death was the first in an alarming string of deaths of friends; all of whom were good, strong, positive young people.
Experiencing loss like this made me question the world a little bit – it’s not fair, why did these people die when I know so many other people who do so many bad things but still get the chance to reach the age of thirty, marry, have children, see the world? It’s hard to understand and it took time for me to learn that it’s not for me to understand. Now I think of these beautiful friends who I have lost, I put their pictures up in my home to celebrate them and remind myself that life is short and that I have no right to squander mine.
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I’m so torn in so many ways about this subject. I’ve been sitting here reading an re-reading this post, trying to get how I feel about losing someone so young out. All I know is that it’s hard; it’s hard not to be angry, not to blame, no to question yourself; it’s hard to seek help or even admit that you need help to deal with it. It’s hard to pray, it’s hard to reconcile your life without this person being there.
It’s hard to admit that you will go on , move on and continue to live…sometimes even live better because your appreciation for the person you lost will not be in vain. As much as you hate to realize that they had a purpose in your life, you must in order to live.
Life and death are lessons that no one can teach you and no one can experience for you.
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When I was in high school a guy I thought of like a little brother committed suicide. I happen to be on the phone with my boyfriend, at the time, and he was the one who told me “something bad” had happened. I called my BFF and her mom picked up and I knew immediately it was not good. Whens he told me he was dead, I blurted out “He can’t be. I just saw him yesterday.” I remember crying and thinking I’d cry all night only to wake up to get ready for school. That day at school was the hardest day of my teenage life, for sure. I’d never experienced loss like that and had no idea what to do or how to feel. There were so many questions and almost no answers. I remember my headmaster saying that we would all have to reconcile our anger with him for killing himself with our sadness and grief because of our loss. It was so dead on. His death brought my friends and I much closer together. I think if anything, he would appreciate that something came of his death.
That same then-boyfriend who was there with and for me through that killed himself a few months ago (we haven’t been together for 2 years) but, it was like doing it all over again. Having no idea how to feel, reconciling all those feelings and this time I didn’t have the same support system as I did in high school and I, too, always want to “take care of it myself” so it was good having friends who made me open up and made me be honest about what I was feeling.
I think more than anything I take lessons away from both situations on how to support people in times of grief. Remembering that hearing cliches didn’t comfort me but just having a person sitting there did and knowing that it’s not always necessary to talk.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 10:56 am
Learning how to grieve and to support others during grief are hard but valuable lessons to learn. Just being still and present with people means so much.
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I’ve dealt with a good amount of death in the past 10 years. As folks probably remember from the faith series, it was one of the things that made it hard for me to believe strongly in a God. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to deal with it well despite the fact there’s no way to avoid it with people around me—young or old. Appreciate this post though.
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Wow! I didnt know Dennis died a year ago already. I too knew Dennis, not as well as you though. His death really rocked a community in a way that is usually reserved for celebrities and leaders and such. He was a good bruh too.
My bestfriend lost his grandmother in Sept. She was like another mom to me. She introduced herself as grandma to me. Everyone who entered her house was treated like one of her kids. However, I learned something at her funeral. The pastor said, she died because she was done. And at first I was confused but the pastor asked us to look around at what she had done. The affect that she had on everyone she met. How she raised all of her kids and grand kids in the projects and they are all relatively successful. How everyone departed her presence a tad bit better than when they arrived. The pastor had another analogy. The best students finish their work early and get to go outside and play. Dennis, Craig and my bestfriend’s grandmother are outside playing waiting for us to finish our work here. The pastor’s words really put death in perspective.
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My mom’s constant battle with MS shattered the conception that we will live forever early in my childhood. However, the only person I’ve really felt was “taken too early” was my Uncle Dave. He was a beautiful soul and it constantly shined even as the cancer work its way through his body.
My thoughts are with you homie.
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The world is soooo small…I knew Dennis
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1) I’m very proud of the way you were able to capture the essence of that time in your life (and others) in such a beautiful and thought provoking way.
2) Death is a hard thing to cope with. Being in the hospital has somewhat desensitized me (not good) but I pray that when I’m in that situation I have the strength that you had. I have no clue why these things happen nor am I going to take the time to try and figure it out. All we can do is continue on this journey the best we know how appreciating every day and every person for what it/they have to offer…and offering up the best of ourselves.
3) I would like people to wear white to my funeral and sing “I’m goin up yonder”
4) Wanna play hookie and go to IHOP again?
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I had to read this post several times before I could come up with a comment…while I haven’t personally experienced the death of someone so young to me, I did have three very close family members pass away within a year and a half of each other back in high school. It’s something that to this day I don’t understand, and that took me a very very long time to get through. The first two didn’t necessarily catch me off guard because it was my grandmother and great-aunt, both of whom were in their 80s, but the death of my father at the age of 54 completely rocked my world and my understanding of it, because he truly was my hero. Death of a loved one isn’t something anyone ever gets over, it’s only something we can learn how to deal with the best that we can in order for our lives to go on the way that they need to go on in order for us to be productive. It took me years to finally understand that and be able to implement it in my life, and in some respects, I’m thankful for the lesson. It taught me to never take life for granted and to try to live to the best of my ability everyday because I simply don’t know when my time or the time of those around me will be up.
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ASmith Reply:
January 25th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
“It taught me to never take life for granted and to try to live to the best of my ability everyday because I simply don’t know when my time or the time of those around me will be up.”
When my ex killed himself I thought “Damn. Here I am, needing to be reminded to treat every day like it’s my last… AGAIN”
We know these lessons, we see them over and over but for me, it’s taking some work to make ‘em stick… or at least stick to the point of putting them into constant practice.
I’m trying to get to the point where I don’t need death to remind me of that…
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Life is cyclical.. and after my dad’s death I just learned to live my life to the fullest. Didn’t lose faith. We all knew the day where close loved ones passed away would come. Still tough though and easy to get cynical. I just live and enjoy life because tomorrow isn’t promised!
Great post Tiff!
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this post resonates so well with me
unfortunately. a good friend of mine,
who i’d know since the sixth grade hanged
himself this saturday. for me it wasn’t such a
surprise, because even at twelve he always
used to say that he wouldn’t live to see his eighteenth
birthday. he was wrong. he made it two days after
his twenty-second. i think the saddest thing,
besides my own selfish reasons of grieving for him
is that he had such a good soul that won’t get
the chance to teach others what he taught me for
almost ten years.
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