The C-Word Scares Us Too, Dammit
Not chlamydia. Or crabs. I am talking about co…com…commi…commitment. ::wipes brow:: There. I said it.
In light of this whole “single ladies” talk, Beyonce has done it again. Yeah yeah, she inspires women, blah blah. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not hating. Any woman that can bag Jay must be fly. And when she is not touting semi-misleading stuff over the airwaves to gullible women everywhere, she’s good with me. We always talk about rappers being bad influences…but look to the R&B genre too (R. Kelly, etc). Moving on.
Ever since the song and its ridiculous video came out, men have been crying talking about all the pressure Beyonce’s song has caused them to feel. Wifeys and boos everywhere are getting all antsy and want rings and all that (somehow, I don’t think its as serious as they think, but whatever). After reading some of the comments from “Put a Ring on These” entry, talking about commitment and women being set up from birth to want to get married, I must say, I beg to differ.
Men aren’t the only ones with something to lose.
Men love talking about how “Damn, is she really going to be the last one I sleep with.” You think women don’t think about that too? Especially if there are things we have to “put up with” whilst in the sack. No, you can’t get your oaks-sowing on, but neither can we. Marriage (or the idea of it) means lock down for us too. Women, just like men, want to be able to do their thing and not have to answer to anyone. Especially when we are fly and in the prime of our professional and educational careers.
Do women really want to get married like that??
If anything, I feel slightly the opposite as of late. When I look back at my childhood, I don’t remember playing the “Let’s get married” game or planning a little play-play wedding. Even now, I sorta cringe when thinking about the M-word (for lots of different reasons). Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments of wanting to be a wife and such. However, it is no where near the degree to which men assume.
But yeah…how about that ticking (biological) clock?
That is nothing to play with my friends. Marriage increases the propensity for babies (for those of us not down with being a baby mama). And contrary to popular belief, a lot of women are not ready for that ball and chain just yet. From the shallow perspective, kids can do terrible things to your body. All those extra stretch marks and what not. I’m not ready for that. If there are rugrats running around, there will be less time for other things. Going out to eat with the homies. Just lounging around doing nothing. Random road trips. Like men who may not be ready for all the responsibility that comes with being a parent, just because a woman hears the tick tock of her biological clock, doesn’t mean she is ready for that alarm to go off.
All I’m saying is, don’t assume that women want to be “wifed up” or locked down all the time. We too want to enjoy time being single. Yeah, thoughts of wanting to booed up are nice, but relationships are not all fun and games for us either. Then again, I could be wrong. What do you think?
Sowhatiff – Not ready to be your boo just yet - Jenkins
33 Responses to “The C-Word Scares Us Too, Dammit”
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I would love to be a wife one day…. but right now, as I develop the relationships around me, I have to admit love is a scary thing. I’m scared to death of someone giving their heart to me and me having to nurture it and handle it with care!
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Interesting that you are afraid a guy giving you his heart and not the reverse.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Oh Trust… I’m scared of that too.. I have a wall up bigger than the Great Wall of China.
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RightCoastLexSteele, No Longer Dating Black Women Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Watch out for the Genghis Khan’s of the world…they’ll
walk right around that damned wall…
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
@RightCoastLexSteele, No Longer Dating Black Women : My king (wherever he is) is gonna have to initially.
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I knew I liked you for a reason.
Sowhatiff, you are so so on point here. While I enjoy being in a relationship I would like to make sure everything is good on the home front (my home) before I invite someone in…that’s what I’m working on now.
I wanna be a wife sure. But not this Saturday
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Glad I’m not the only one that feels that way about B… can’t stand that Diva song either… look up the definition please….
Anywho, I sometimes feel the same way about marriage. This past year is really the first time I’ve really wanted to go for it and be his wifey. I’ve been asked more than enough prior to but it scared the shoot out of me. Even with a regular relationship I would cringe at teh fact that I couldn’t do what I wanted when I wanted. No more flying to see homies in other cities. Dudes really need to understand that it’s a lot of us out there that aren’t addicted to relationships and have more so of an anxiety towards them.
I agree with Jac too. I want to be a wifey but I need to get my house completely in order and hope men are trying to do the same. And I don’t want a wedding, I’m that chick that just wants to take close friends to Vegas and have something small and cute like the Simmons did on Runs House. I don’t want to start our marriage off in debt. Not for me.
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PREACH!
I know I’m a lil’ younger than most of your readers, but I’m with you on this. As much as I am a supporter of a committed family stucture, I’m gooooood on that M word right now, and for quite a while. I was never one of those little girls who day-dreamed about thier weddings and such either.
And as much as I love babies & little kids, I also love sending them back to thier mamas on Saturday night. I’m looking forward to being a wife and then mother *someday*, frankly I’m too selfish for that right now. I want to do what I want to do, without being concerned with the someone else’s primary needs.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Word up! I am not for meeting anyone else’s needs right now.
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Yeah Whatev Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I so agree. I’m way too selfish and career focused to even think of having babies now. I have plans for my future so if I do have a family of my own one day their future will be even brighter than my own. I’m definitely not going to join the baby boom that has been going on in my circle of former high school and college classmates. They could keep it!
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I remember one time I actually tried to get a chick to be committed and she wanted to run free and be with her friends all the time instead. I couldn’t understand it at the time, but now it sorta makes sense…seeing that her friends ultimately ended up being the downfall of our eventual relationship.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 11:30 am
LOL! smh…
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Speak it, Sowhatiff!
It’s funny because this fear of women being obsessed with committing doesn’t match up with the many complaints of women being independent and not allowing a man to be a man. If we’re so independent, don’t you think that includes not making marriage a priority. This ain’t Nightmare on Elm Street, stop being so scared! Besides, ya’ll fear is far more obsessive than our alleged obsession with being married.
I’d love to get married one day, but please believe that is not foremost in my list o’ goals. I’m not a walking romantic comedy.
Also, the term “ball and chain” fits more when it’s describing a guy, anyway.
ETA: I have no idea why, but when I read the post, the first C-word that came to find rhymes with the surname of a Ms. Helen Hunt. Mmmhmm.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
See I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought Ms. Jenkins here was referring to another C word.
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Katchin05 Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Yup, thought of the same c-word.
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Yea, I’m scared and completely terrified of all those words: commitment, marriage, motherhood <– omg! (I agree with Katchin’s sentiment: My favorite thing about kids is that, at the end of the day, they goin home wit they mama/daddy.)
The root of my fear of these things lies in the oh-so-terrifying possibilty of failure
and rejection. Commentaries, articles, studies, etc. documenting the increasingly high failure rate of marriage are thrown in our faces everyday. I mean…even the commitment involved just from a relationship standpoint is almost as scary, given the ultimate demise of the “peachy phase.” Within a marriage, you have the responsibility to try and make it work once the Pphase is over; in a relationship, one party can simply choose to walk away, with no discussion.Who really wants to make the decision to open themselves up to the possibility of being hurt…on purpose? I feel like women are, in some ways, just as prideful as men. Sure, a lot of women prefer the C-word…can’t deny that. But for me, a lack of commitment seems to—on the surface, at least—preserve whatever vulnerabilities I have left. It paints this picture that I have nothing to lose, since nothing is really invested. I’ve come to find out, though, that this painted picture is a fake…
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This is a great post! I agree one hundred percent. I am sick of men thinking that all women want to be tied down. A relationship is okay, as long as things are going well, but the possibility of things going wrong and having my feelings involved is scary.
Also, I am not ready to be someone’s wife or mother. I have friends who are married with children, and even though I am happy for them, I would not like to be in their shoes. I like to pick up and go whenever I want, and commitments like those do not permit that kind of lifestyle. I also don’t want to feel as if I am settling, even if the guy seems “okay.”
These are common things I talk about with my friends and I’m happy that you brought up this issue, so men know that not all women are waiting for them to “put a ring on it.”
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I’m so happy you wrote this entry today.
I too often find myself afraid to commitment and cringe at the idea more than usual. Sometimes I meet guys who constantly want to commit but then I ask myself why do I want to commit to that person. Just because the guy asked do I necessarily have to oblige to it. That would require undivided attention, constant phone calls at impromptu times and spending some sort of money on you….then I ask myself, mean dude do you really deserve that much
Then Marriage…. the grand old idea. That sounds fabulous but in my late 20s do I necessarily want to drop everything to settle for the ball and chain. There is so much of the world that still needs to be seen. Could I really be ready to iron those shirts, cook so you have leftovers for work and pick the baby up from the sitter. Ummmm I’d hope the both of us are at a point in our careers to hire someone else to do that…
~just my thoughts
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I really like this post. Short, sweet, to the point. And a good point, at that.
I actually will be honest and put myself in the “ready for wifedom” category. Just because I’m on the abstinence tip and I would like to start shagging again in this lifetime or the next. But another point is that even if a woman WANTS to be married, doesn’t mean she WANTS it to be YOU. I’ve had a lot of men assume that because I talk about getting married and having babies all the time, that must mean I’m talking about them. When in all actuality, I can think of maybe one man in the whole entire world I would even be WILLING to marry right now, because the rest are just not worthy or not ready. And I’m not just gonna marry anyone who’s askin just cuz I’m drying up already. haha.
Good stuff, Sowhat.
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Anita Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Nothing wrong with actually wanting marriage and babies, but do you seriously talk about it all the time? Right now I want a taco, but that doesn’t mean I’m going on about how great tacos are to everyone I see…
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Could not resist responding to this one, Sowhat…
For the longest time I thought I was ready to get a ring put on it and them I came across man after man that fell short (in one way or another
)…and now I think I might be scared…I was the little girl that dreamt about her wedding and played mommy…all I have ever wanted is to be someone’s wife and mother of their children, but that’s gonna come with some serious soul-searching now…I want to get it right the FIRST time, which means I’m going to take my time and have all my fun now while I can…
At the same time, while I’m not pressed to have a ring just yet (ask me again in 5 yrs)…do not step to me on some “I wanna be your one and only man” type sh*t and then be full of sh*t…if you want fun, just say so cause odds are, so do I…
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I was never really one of those kids who ever talked about getting married,but I really think it would be nice. I am abstinent,and I plan to not have sex until marriage, so in my situation I think I might have to get used to being a single lady..lol. I’m not in a rush right now to do it though,maybe after college, and when I’m settled in my career and making enough money to take care of a household,maybe then I’ll start looking for hubby. However, I do want to have kids in my 30s. Another thing is paying off my debt…my credit will turn into my husbands credit,so maybe after I pay these credit cards off…
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I agree with the original post, but I have a question. What is so wrong about a woman who only wants to be a mother and a wife in this lifetime? What we seek outwardly often is a direct response to what’s missing inwardly, what we’re afraid we don’t/won’t/can’t have or what we feel that we need that we are not currently receiving. I think for most women wanting to be wifey comes and it goes. Just like the ticking (sometimes loudly) of our biological clocks makes us vaccillate between being baby-crazy to being thankful we don’t have children. It’s a scary time for us because it can be so emotional. We women reach a point between the ages of 25-30 where we really just need a crystal ball to foresee that all the things we want in our life that define our womanhood/success that we don’t currently have will be fulfilled. Sometimes we get frantic and impatient – especially those who WANT commitment and a family – when those events don’t occur within a certain timeframe. It is at this point that we sometimes begin to make foolish moves like “settling” with a guy who isn’t husband material and/or getting pregnant and being a baby’s mama with a regrettable person, under regrettable circumstances.
So yeah, there are PLENTY of women who aren’t all caught up in being married, long-term relationships, kids, etc. right now. Don’t confuse it, guys. Don’t flatter yourselves. But there ARE women who have pure intentions, who only want what they’ve been told throughout their lives makes them “real” women, who desire fulfillment through partnership and parenting. What’s so wrong with that?
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temps Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
“It is at this point that we sometimes begin to make foolish moves like “settling” with a guy who isn’t husband material and/or getting pregnant and being a baby’s mama with a regrettable person, under regrettable circumstances”…my point exactly I just ended my time with a 35+yr old former intern of rapzine who doesnt have a license, got pregnant by some louse with a degree and car (who himself is 37 and living off of yesteryears wins) he of course broke out. In our time together she lamented on and on about being married when she’d have a baby yet got prego under the same conditions a project chick would have. She moved to a place of his choosing-never took advantage of her situation by going to school to match her experience in her chosen profession. So now shes and older woman with a track record yet sans degree. She looks no diff than your avg baby moms-struggling to fold the stroller for dolo on the bus…hard to see she was part of the bougie chi-chi crowd and she gaave it all up to be alone with a kid by a man she called a “bitch”. I dont know whether to feel sorry for her or tell her ask her how could you be so gullible McFly?
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If you mentioned the c-word to me a few years ago, you would get a screw face from me..I wanted nothing to do with marriage mainly because I was in a long-term “serious” relationship, we were cohabiting and it sucked.
But damn my clock is tick tick ticking away and although I am not desperate..I honestly hate dating.
I am ready to settle down..but I’m ready to settle down with someone who is quality and ready to work with me and my many faults and quirks.
I am not changing 4 nobody and Love who I am, so this fella would have to see eye to eye with me on that..vice versa.
But in the meanwhile I’m just chilling…and taking my time with any man who happens to come my way.
FYI- again..I received the previous day’s post in my inbox instead of the current post
…what’s going on???..I’m scared!!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
Yeah, I tried to address your issue in the admin note section at the top of the page. Can you forward the email you received to me at slim@threewaystotakeit.com? Make sure the email has the time that you received it as well. I’ll do some behind the scenes nerdy investigation.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
We will look into that for you and let you know whats up.
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Black & Trapped in Toronto Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Good work gum shoesssssssssss…forwarding the e-mail- I’m on it (pause)
Am I the only one experiencing these technical difficulties????
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can i say that i’m really enjoying the “single” life? i feel like in recent years, though I was never formally “wifed up,” i was always stressed about the “relationships” that i was in. now that i have separated myself from that drama, i’ve realized that it’s not so bad to be single.
i’m not going to lie, i don’t want to be single forever. but at my age (25 in march), i def think it’s necessary in terms of being able to have fun without worrying about a SO, and having the time to fig out what i want to do with my life.
so yeah, i agree… not all of us want to settle down and pop out babies just yet =)
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I don’t think the scariest part for me is being in committed relationship, long-term relationship.. After seeing my parent’s relationship grow through 20+ years (they’ve been married for almost 27 years) I know exactly what a great relationship looks like and what a good husband + wife team are. I’m not afraid of a being in a great committed relationship, but I’m not going to push a guy who doesn’t want one with me. Matter of fact, I’m going to bring all my expectations to the table within the first few weeks of dating, so he will know exactly what I’m about. I also expect him to do the same. If we don’t like the stipulations that go along with a potential comitted long-term relationship we can both be out early with little to no pain. (TANGENT: Too many girls/women go along with a guy dating him for a while and assuming committment without setting expectations or asking his of expectations. They wait until later after the peachy phase is long gone to realize that they weren’t in the “relationship” they thought they were in after all or they push for a committed relationship based on assumptions and “mind reading.” ) I am much more afraid of being a mother though. Husbands can feed, cloth, and clean themselves for the most part.
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Lemme say this, as a guy I am not hearing women say they are cool if motherhood/marriage DOESNT happen, for me at 33 in the entertaiment biz and just now really seeing my success prosper-FTS!!! I wanted to be with this one chick in my mid twenties she didnt, never have gone after a relationship since. And I am cool with never ever having babies or getttin married-I feel men as a whole are cool with this. Yea women may same similar things but the “I do-just not now” disclaimer is well something women (under 30) would say. I aint trying to have kids with bad knees along with the contentment that comes with older age. So ok the ladies arent ready and all that but for me as a man-f*uk the wife and kids-dwelling on it is no diff than wishing you was rich then going to the club and blowing your money. Part of this thinkin is in the 48 laws of power-disdain what you dont have and and you wont care for it. Like out of sight out of mind I have ONE married friend I talk to on the reg so marriage and kids are NOWHERE near my agenda-aint no “in the futre we’ll see”.
Baby its over.
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Yeah Whatev Reply:
February 11th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
How can you say that it’s totally over! finito! fin! What if you meet the lady of dreams and she knocks you out of this world? I bet you will wife her up really quick if she requires it. If you are only enjoying your success and what not all by your lonesome what fun is that? better said what purpose? Are you really okay with being all lonely with no one to actually call your own. No kids, no sons to carry on your legacy. Sure you will be enjoying the spoils of eternal bachelorhood, getting all women you want, but missing is a true ride or die best friend you can find with a good wife. All the most sucessful men have a good woman with them.
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temps Reply:
February 12th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
You get one life. I wanted a girl-then -wife-then kids. I also wanted my moms to see my succees-well she died of a heart attack at 59 so what am I going to do?
Life is very incovenient.
One must adjust.
Holding on to “it aint supposed to be this way” is dumb and counterproductive. Some of the greatest people to ever live had awful setbacks and still went on to do great things. They didnt sit around and not get their swerve on because they were “lonely”…no successful person is ever lonely. I have a chance to really pursue what I love and that is unusal, however marriage is common like pencils. I’d rather have a unusual life that I am happy with than a common life everyone has and I’m “ok” with.
I also feel while in college I should have met “her” but that didnt happen (mainly cuz I was an “adult student”) now out I am a “catch”. Honestly I dont trust how women make me having a degree to be all this…thats not how I was treated by women who were in college themselves (still expected me to “sweep em” off their feet). I couldnt compete with their man or potential BF’s who werent in school (or was out already) and had disposable income…now its reveresed and I feel wierd about.
Am I a catch because she’s allowed too many Diva Dudes (with degrees but over play it) and Simp Ni99as (ones without a degree and over play it) in her space? Or can she really see that I am a stand up guy?
All I am saying is FISH or CUT BAIT this dumbass idea that marriage like some commdity will “be there” is stupid. For many of us it will not be. Point-blank-period, the isssue is can you adjust to such a potential reality?
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