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Divorce vs. The Single Parent Home
I have a confession: I watch Jon and Kate Plus 8. Don’t judge. I have been watching the show for a few seasons now and have grown to love the kids and the family. When I heard about their marital issues, I took an interest in the celebrity gossip. I was pissed at Jon for stepping out, but I could also see how a man could get frustrated over time after dealing with a woman like Kate.
As the new season started, it centered around the rumors of divorce. For me, divorce is a foreign concept because there was never a marriage in my household to get broken up. It was just my grandmother and mother raising me and my siblings. And with that came its own set of issues. But I remember watching shows growing up, or hearing statistics about divorce in school and how kids would start acting out and all that, and it used to tick me off. I always focused on the fact that these kids at least knew their dad, and got to spend part of their life with him. As I got older, and met people who had both their parents in the house at one time or another, and also experienced a separation or divorce, it became more clear to me that marriage didn’t alway mean peaches and sunshine.
Is one better than the other?
The media likes to throw around the statistic that “70% of Black children are born out of wedlock.” While I am not sure of the source, I do believe it to be true. Many of my friends were born to a Mommy and Daddy who weren’t hitched. Unfortunately, the statistic implies that only one parent is around to raise the family. What that stat doesn’t talk about are the families who have two parents (or a person who has stepped in to fill the role) without a ring on it. These families do exist.
Sometimes you don’t know something is wrong until someone tells you.
Growing up, I watched Grandma and Mommy (yes, I still call my mother Mommy) struggle to make ends meet. I watched them cry when bills went unpaid and lights got shut off. But I was never like “dammit Dad, if only you were here to help out…” Maybe because he was never there, I didn’t miss his presence or what he could have contributed. But I feel like because my needs were always met, I never knew what I didn’t have…until I started to hear from the media and textbooks that kids from single parent homes missed out on some of the goodies of having two parents at home. But thats for another entry.
I can only speculate about the pain one feels when a two parent family becomes one. I can imagine the plethora of emotions one experiences when you see two people you love make a painful decision to be apart. While kids in single parent homes may be used to taking on certain roles to fill in the gaps (so to speak), children who experience divorce may have to step up, and grow up faster than anticipated (See Mady and Cara from the show).
So what do yall think about divorce versus the single parent house hold? People (mostly social science and the media) try to pit them against each other, but can they really be compared? Have you experienced a divorce at some point in your life? Grew up with just one parent running the household? Would you rather experience one over the other? Let’s talk. Don’t get all shy on me.
Miss – Jon Should Have Manned Up to Kate a Long Time Ago – Jenkins
59 Responses to “Divorce vs. The Single Parent Home”
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Watching Jon & Kate now is just like watching an accident scene get cleaned up. I love the kids, but now Kate just seems so sad. Jon is a bastard.. She’s gotta be with eight kids BY HERSELF while he frolicks around with his pierced ears and Ed Hardy.
I digress.
I think it’s better to have a mother and a father, but I’d rather them be divorced than an unhappy household, as long as both are taking care of business as parents.
I’ve never experienced divorce, personally…. all of my close family is still together and my granny and granddaddy got divorced either when I was a baby or before I was even a thought.
Although I had both parents in the home, my mama took more of a focal point in my life… my dad was gone a LOT… working and stuff. They did argue a lot and I used to wish for them to get a divorce.
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Toni Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 8:40 am
“I think it’s better to have a mother and a father, but I’d rather them be divorced than an unhappy household, as long as both are taking care of business as parents.”
Totally agree. Children don’t need to grow up in a environment devoid of love. You can still be a part of your child’s life but not together.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Exactly!!
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Cheekie Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:28 am
“I think it’s better to have a mother and a father, but I’d rather them be divorced than an unhappy household, as long as both are taking care of business as parents. ”
I agree. Though it is pretty much a cliched statement in Lifetime movies or Mrs. Doubtfire and the like, each parent really is a better person because of the divorce. And better mommies and daddies.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Exactly.. bc even when not arguing, kids can tell when the parents aren’t happy.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
True story.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
They sure can! Kids are THEE most intuitive people. For real.
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Satya Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
I agree with most of what you said but why is Jon a bastard? Kate has been horrible to him the entire series. I always said why did those two even get married they are so uncompatible. Very true it sucks Kate has to do most of the hard work raising the kids. But I think Jon will still play a big part and do what needs to be done
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I grew up in a two parent household and my parents didn’t get divorced until I was 20 years old. It wasn’t a question of IF my parents were getting a divorce but WHEN.I always felt my parents stayed together for the good of us.
I really can’t say that my parents being together vs apart effected me either way. As a matter of fact I’m glad they got divorced so they could try to pursue happiness with someone else. The divorce itself didn’t effect me since I was already out the house and in college. The only person I can say it effected was my youngest brother since he was only 12.
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My parents got divorced when I was 13. My dad was the one who moved out, but he lived 30 minutes away and I still saw him every week. It didn’t feel all that different because he worked all the time anyway. I’m in college now and both my parents are still very involved in my life. Coupled with the fact that they were together throughout my formative years, I’ve never felt that I was the product of a broken home. Although shuttling between houses on the holidays continues to be annoying, it could be a lot worse.
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Jon is trying desperately to find and re-attach his cojones….until he started acting up Kate kept them in a jar in her closet. He needs one of her “love taps.” I almost feel sorry for Kate, but her own family doesn’t like her, and that says a lot.
I grew up with both parents in the home. They never divorced, my dad passed away in 2005. I wished that they had gotten divorced, though. Living in a house with 2 people who fight constantly takes a toll on a kid. So does having your mother tell you that she would have left long ago if it weren’t for us kids. At 25. Talk about a mind f**k….
As bad as it’s been over the years (the cops knew our address by heart when I was in middle school), I’m still glad that I had my dad in the house. One: I didn’t know at the time that he wouldn’t be around for too long. Two: we were able to live a better life than if my folks were paying for 2 seperate residences. Marriage is economically beneficial to the couple and their kids. We struggled, but we had more resources.
My issues with single parent homes is totally different, and too long to put in this comment. I used to work in the school system, and it convinced me that single parent is the least beneficial situation to kids.
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Anonymous Reply:
November 27th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I think that Kate hasn’t shown Jon much respect in his household, I only watched a few of the series because I didn’t like they way that she knit picked at him. I do wish that he hadn’t let it get to him because it’s not just one child that is being affected by his actions, but all 8 of them.
I honestly think that their reality show was no help and has made Kate’s head grow in the chaos of having 8 kids, and gave her a window to express herself and a little too much at times. But with all relationships you have to know when to bit your own tongue in respect of your significant other.
They have been truly blessed over their years and their children are beautiful. They need to refocus themselves on what is truly important.
To me it seems like Jon is going through his “midlife crises.” If I were surrounded by 8 children all asking for attention, love and affection I’d feel trapped and overwhelmed. I would defiantly need a few days to regather myself, and that’s not saying that Kate doesn’t need her days but there should have been more of a weekend break for the both of them. There is no time in their lives with 8 children for romance or much less talk about how one is feeling about the others actions.
I am a single mother of 2, my significant other grew up without a father and as soon as there was new of my first son to came along he split out of fear. He had no idea how to be a father much less what one does with such a tiny package.
Even if Jon had a father involved with him his whole life and thought that he knew how to handle a baby, to a man 8 of the same tiny packages is mind blowing! He hasn’t been with them for the 9 months like Kate has to truly know and love the babies before they are born. All he knows is what he sees and I think that he had done a great job.
My significant other did return to us a year later and the following year my daughter came along. We’re both young parents and we have scarified our “freedom” years of just getting out of the parents house to be parents of our own.
I’m not one to talk in the moment of heat but more to act which I know is something that I need to work on. I pushed him to leave once again because I asked too much of him during the time of “recovery.” Postpartum depression made me cling to his independence and relay on him for far to long. I refused pills to help me because my daughter wasn’t depressed, she was hungry so I didn’t want to put it into my system for her.
He left after I got better because he thought that he could return to his ‘freedom’ lifestyle and didn’t think that things were going to get better between the two of us. He knows what this is doing the our children, and to myself. But given these types of situations is hard.
Kate does need a lot of support and love from her family. Jon was acting irresponsible and wasn’t able to be the man that his children needed. I did recall that he was wanting to try to make amends and get back with Kate. But forgiveness is hard to do when you don’t understand the answers to the “why’s” or put aside the hurt long enough to do so.
I can also understand the hurt between parents who live together for the “sake of the children” which is probably why I am afraid for how I will be able to do this on my own and am constantly trying to get myself more involved with my significant other.
I remember when my father would come home late at night and my mother would lock herself in the bedroom while until the cops would show. I remember the fights and the arguments between them and how it was an almost constant thing. I remember my siblings crying and being angry with my parents for being together, but I am grateful that they were able to do so.
Because after every fight they were still able to stay that they loved each other and they were still able to fix their problems and move on with the next thing that life would through at them. Which not only demonstrated to me what “unconditional love” truly means but how to have. To know that someone will love me always and forever without any doubt that I can rely on them for whatever it is that I need or is needed to make life better.
To try to understand all of the psychological point of views in My own family is hard but I don’t give up. I will not give up. Because when I give up, I will have lost what has been made, and even if someone else may think that it’s not worth it… to me it’s because they haven’t put the effort out to make it worth while. And to me Family is always worth while, no one can ever replace your family.
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I grew up with both my parents. They seem to still be crazy in love, so I would flip out if they even hinted at a divorce. Who would have custody of me?
My dad was the product of a single parent home. One minute daddy was there then he just left, never to be seen again for more than 20 years. He said he used to cry for his daddy growing up because all the other children had theirs.
I think it’s harder for children who knew both parents and then had one leave because of a divorce, desertion or whatever. Whereas if you grew up without one parent you might not exactly miss what you had.
Neither are ideal situations. But life is what you make it, and I think with the right amount of love and care children can come out of either OK.
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Until age 12 my parents were together. They remained friends until now…in fact, she’s about to pick him up in a minute.
This makes me agree that children can be okay with parents who are friends but remain separate simply because you see two people who are doing what it takes to be sure they are happy.
And that’s what matters the most
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I was raised by both parents. They had good times and bad times. Each of which has and continues to impact me in some way or another. I’m glad that I didn’t have to endure a divorce between my parents at any point in my life. Only reason they aren’t still together now is cuz one of them isn’t alive.
Can’t really speculate on what my life would be like had I just been raised by one of ‘em. I am sure though that my life would be pretty different.
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It’s hard to debate one way or the other, when all you know is one side of it. I grew up in a single-parent home and have never longed for anything more. I didn’t have the underlying hope or wish that my parents were together when I was growing up; in fact, that’s the last thing I would have wanted. My relationship with my mom is like no other, and though we struggled here and there, she never showed it, and I always knew we’d be provided for.
I guess I had a little taste of a two-parent household when my mom got married, but it really didn’t make any difference to me. Sure, I got more material things, but emotionally, I don’t know that anything changed. (I guess it wouldn’t, seeing as how he wasn’t my dad.) For me, there was more drama in the married household than in the single-parent one. But maybe that’s just me…
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I grew up with both of my parents. And there were good times and bad times. It always seemed that my parents liked each other a lot, but there wasn’t a great love story, and they stayed together b/c of the children (5, to be exact). they both wanted to work together to make sure we were raised in the way they saw fit.
I can’t really speak on single parent vs. divorced parents. One of my best friends is the product of divorce, and she didn’t have her father around during her formative years. It affected her a lot b/c her father cheated, married the other woman, and then preceded to have a daughter that he treated like a princess, and I think my friend resented that to an extent. Her father had money, while her mother struggled for a while raising my friend and her brother. Her father lived well, drove nice cars, and was there physically ane emotionally for her little sister to provide safety and protection. However, I don’t know if my girl would’ve been better off if her mother had been an unmarried single parent.
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I grew up in a single family household. My dad came to stay with my mom and I for a few months, once, when I was about 7 or 8. Aside from that, I’ve not seen him or had much interaction.
Like you, Tiff, I didn’t truly know what I didn’t have until I started reading those same statistics. Then I was dumbfounded as to how, despite what the stats said, my life didn’t mirror any of that.
I have friends with parental situations that run the gamut. From rather unconventional setups to very conventional and functioning and all the dysfunction that can fall in between. I say at the end of the day, it’s more important that a child be reared in a household with a lot of love and support. And I hate being hokey, but as hokey as that is, I think it’s more important that those things be there than 2 parents. In an ideal situation, a child has 2 parents but we all know ideal and realistic have 2 different definitions for a reason.
I’m the first to say that there are just some things a father brings to a household and a child’s life that cannot be replaced; however, I did luck out in that I have a lot of uncles, other older male relatives as well as outside male influences. They didn’t replace my father, but they helped curb some of the negative influences that can come in when you don’t have one. Meanwhile, I saw some of my friends with physically, but not emotionally, present fathers who fell into the traps that all those stats said had been set for me.
As far as divorce goes, I echo the sentiments of others who have commented that it’s better for a child to not have to watch and listen to their parents fight all the time. Divorce is not easy and many children are negatively effected by it, but if it’s done as carefully, cautiously and responsibly as possible, I think most kids can bounce back and be happy to have two happy parents instead of two unhappy ones.
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My parents divorced when I was 9. It was hard but knowing that both parents would be there just separate made me feel better…and the fact that I had 2 homes! lol. I would’ve much rathered that then have only one parent raising me, I appreciated all my dad did and tried to do. At the end of the day he was there and looked out and was a father. 2 parents raising children is so important in my opinion!
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I think comparing Divorce to Single Parent Homes are like comparing apples and oranges. Divorce comes in so many different varieties that it would make much more sense to compare the particular types of divorce to single parent homes.
My parents divorced when I was around 6 or 7, they got back together when I was like 10 and they broke up again for good at around 12, I think. My mom would eventually re-marry and my pops now thinks he is Don Juan. However, my pops was always active in our lives. Picking us up from school, paying for school, coaching baseball and all that jazz. I actually think his involvement picked up after they broke up the second time to make up for the time that he would miss out on in the house.
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If you all really care about those kids and Octomom’s, you would stop paying attention and watching those shows. 1st off you’re too busy to watch that filth. 2nd, you are supporting a show that is as dangerous to those children as child pornography. See Danny Bonaduce. For some reason, I feel strongly about protecting children from the ills of celebrity.
As for Divorce parents… due to the fact that I grew up seeing how bad a bad marriage can be. And that I saw divorce on TV, my parents’ really didn’t touch me. I did miss having a Dad, just for the fact that a second opinion would have done better by me. There were times I looked at my mom and said “B!tch, you don’t know what you are doing.” Wish I had a second person in the household to back me up. B/c my attitude was making the situation worse. I thought having one parent around would mean more freedom.
Don’t know much about st8 single parent households, like Tiff said each is different. However, I have a short list of women I would like to have my baby… but do not plan on being there to support said child:
1)Oprah
2)Serena Williams
3)Tiff Jenkins
4)Free from 106 and Park
5)Either chick from Mary Mary.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
As always Cheekz, you have amused and puzzled me all at once. lol.
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When I was a teenager, my dad left the house (after we found out he had a kid with some woman). Growing up, I witnessed my parents argue constantly because my dad cheated all the time. When he finally left, I didn’t want him to come back. But we did suffer a lot economically because now it was just one income in the house. We moved around a lot until my mom was finally stable enough to provide for us and it affected my academics and made me angry at the world for a while. Then, she took my dad back (sigh). But now that I’m older I can appreciate him being around because my mom has someone to grow old with and I don’t have to worry about her being alone. And he supposedly found Jesus so he doesn’t cheat anymore.
My sister, on the other hand, is going through a divorce and has 2 boys under 5. The thing that hurts me is that they don’t realize how much it’s affecting the kids. The kids see her angry all the time and she constantly tells them how much they remind her of him. And it seems like she and her husband want to fight over custody just to see the other one suffer. And that’s just wack.
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Curious CHeeKZ Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Do you or your family have a relationship with your half sister?
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La Bella Vita Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Half brother… At first my sister and I were a little apprehensive but then realized that it wasn’t his fault. Plus, we met him when he was about 2 and he looked just like my grandpops and he’s the sweetest boy so we just fell in love with him. After that, we had him over our house all the time. My mom treats him like her son and he calls her “tia” (auntie). His mom moved down south so I haven’t seen him in a few years. But my mom’s side of the family all love him like he’s one of us.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
WONDERFUL!
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It’s definitely hard to compare single parent households to divorce. I agree with others’ sentiments who say it’s more comparable to speak of divorce vs staying together unhappily like my parents, Night and Day. l would venture to say anything would be better than living with those two. I somehow think it’s better not to have any example of what a relationship should be like than to have the example to stick around no matter how badly someone treats you or how miserable you are… It gives the impression that there’s no such thing as a good relationship. At the same time, I don’t think anything is as important as having a father figure in your life. My daddy was my rock when my mom would lose her mind and leave for months at a time, and I dunno what I’d be like without him. Not to say moms aren’t important. Just saying, the older I got, the more I needed a daddy to love and spoil me so I didn’t go looking for that in the wrong places. I’m thankful that I had both parents around, even if I wish they hadn’t stayed together in misery anyway. Btw I’m typing this on my new pre while listening to pandora and receiving emails and calls. =) hehe.
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Where do I start?? I’ve never met my “bio-sperm donor” only know his name … but my mother married when I was 5 so I grew up in a two parent home. (But apparently I didn’t realize this until I got older) In retrospect I was really blessed and wished that I was able to value and respect this man more then as I do now, this man whom I now call dad and is still married to mom.
My observation on single vs divorced, the absence of one may leave an emptiness or longing for understanding but it puts you on the path to learn and grow from that broken relationship. It also brings in a “relationship filler” (grandma, aunt, uncle …) it’s like losing one of your senses, the others are sharpened because of the loss and they will help form and shape your view of the world.
Blended Families
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As for Jon & Kate, I watched that show in the very beginning, but then I stopped watching b/c I could not stomach watching how Kate treated Jon. He’s a grown man, and she talks to him like he’s a child. Just from watching that show, I knew it wouldn’t be long before he stepped out. He should have just divorced her first, instead of being caught out there in all of the celebrity gossip mags. I almost feel sorry for Kate…almost. The children are the real victims in that mess.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:55 am
isn’t this all Kate’s fault. As stated below I never ever watched the show. But she is the only who pushed for them to become stars, she is the one how pushed for this big family despite the fact that she was apparently a bad wife….
We encourage abuse women to leave their husbands, why can’t John do the same?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
Because as a man, Jon shouldn’t have let it get to this point. Yeah Kate is a little much, but I promise if Jon would have grabbed his pistachios from jump, she wouldn’t have gotten as bad.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
kate is more than a little much…she’s a wannabeceleb biatch. and i don’t buy that as a man he could’ve stopped it argument. as a man, he did the right thing by leaving. why stay in a marriage where the woman obviously doesn’t respect you, and have that relationship be the example for your sons and daughters. it’s unfortunate that he had an affair, but i could see that coming the third time i watched the show. Kate is the perfect example of what women should not do when they get married. i wish they would just cancel the show instead of parade these kids around like freaks at a circus. and I blame her for that, too.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
I was saying he could have stopped it from long time. Like while they were still dating. She didn’t just start talking to him crazy…
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
IDK. I think maybe the celebrity went to her head, and she increased the pressure on Jon. I have relatives who act just like Kate, and they weren’t always like that when they were dating their husbands. Unfortunately, my older female relatives fueled the idea of the wife running her husband. All, except one, of my cousins are in miserable marriages. And another is basically being kept away from us by her husband, but that’s a different story for another time.
In short, I kinda agree….
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Still Water Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
yeah, I agree that Jon is a jerk, but Kate is a b*tch. What I have learned from general observation is that women can completely change how they treat their men after they have children.
I feel like, if you think dude is going to be such a useless father that you have to monitor/check/correct his every move, then you probably should not be getting invitro-fertilization…
One thing I have always wondered is why a woman Kate’s age would insist on Invitro. You don’t do that hoping to get one baby. Now she’s old, ain’t got no man, with a gang of kids that don’t look like her.
In the words of my favorite song from Chicago, “She Had it Comin!”
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
exactly. for some women, once they become mothers, they cease to be wives, and they begin to treat their husbands like one of the children.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
::checking myself::
But you know what, its funny how I never really considered what was going on between the two of them as abusive. Although I don’t think it is, its important to think about how we define male and female relationships and who can be abusive to whom.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
* nods in agreement *
though, i think it can be a form of abuse…just not the physical kind. it’s the easiest way for a woman to break a man.
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I don’t watch the show, but I do have an opinion on the topic.
I come from two parent family, my parents are still together, so I don’t know what it would feel like to come from either a single parent family or to be a child of divorce, however, I can’t shake that old sentiment
“You don’t miss what you never had”
I feel if you come from a single parent family, it’s all you know, if the other parent is in your life you’re blessed.
It has to be hard to have had two parents and then all the sudden it’s not working and there’s just one.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Not sure I’ve seen this name before. If not, welcome to the mix. If so, my bad and welcome again.lol.
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Tango Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:38 am
You’re right! I am fairly new. Thanks for the welcome, I like it here.
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“I always focused on the fact that these kids at least knew their dad, and got to spend part of their life with him.”
While it is indeed a blessing for those to get to spend any time with their father, it probably is a pretty bad feeling to have your dad one day and then just have him snatched the other. It’s kinda like dangling candy in your face, and then abruptly taking it away. It’s a tease and I understand how that has a harsh effect on a child. Especially given the inconsistency.
That said, I wouldn’t necessarily know the feeling of the divorce process as my parents divorced when I was just a baby. I do know very well the process of having a single mother and only seeing my father for spurts of time.
It was an interesting situation because when my mama became single, she had to work and would’ve had to hire a constant babysitter and whatnot had my paternal grandma not offered. It was such a great gesture and I’ll always love her for that. My paternal grandma vowed to go COLD TURKEY from her then alcohol abuse just to keep me. And she did. She raised me through my elementary school years (visited mama on weekends, summer vacay, holidays). And since my daddy lived in the apartment right above her, I was able to see him often, but not as often as I liked because I LOATHED his new wife (that bish was EVIL…not fairy tale stepmother type evil but she called my grandma outta her name, ME outta mine when I was about FIVE and etc…ugh…I’m getting beyond myself). My daddy passed of lung cancer when I was just 12 years old and it was probably one of the most intense events that has even happend to me. It probably affects me more today than it did then.
Anyhow, when I graduated eighth grade I went to live with my mama for high school and brought my grandma to live with us. She later passed to lung cancer herself. I took that VERY hard as ya’ll could probably imagine.
Now at 25 years old, I’ve heard the stories of how much my dad loved my mama and never got over her yet the divorce sucumbed to his alcohol abuse (see how it’s a cycle with his mother?). What I’m grateful is that while his problems were the main source of the divorce, my mother NEVER went on bitter rants about my father. Actually just the opposite. She said that she has higher expectation from men and won’t take sh*t from men because she knows how a good man treats her. He pretty much ruined any subsequent low-down men in her life getting ANY play because of how high on the pedestal he placed her. He basically diva-fied her…lol.
And to have that memory of my father? Well, ya’ll ninjas better watch out because I won’t take sh*t, either. lol
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Boo Boo. Your life is unbelievably … moving.
I had to double check who wrote that b/c I didn’t think MY sweet lovable CHeeKIE could come out from there.
i hope you don’t smoke?
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Cheekie Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
“i hope you don’t smoke?”
*Sophia-voice” Hellllll naw.
I actually made a direct and verbal vow never to smoke because my father and paternal grandmother died from lung cancer. And because I had my fix from eating cigarettes as a baby. No lie.
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Btw toni I completely agree with the last part of your post way above. Neither are ideal situations but with love and understanding, kids can come out of any situation okay. But the 3ways mobile site does not allow cosignage! =/
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Yeah, I’m yet to find a mobile version of the site that allows people to reply to comments. I’d get into all the technical stuff, but nobody gives a sh*t about that. In the mean time, keep doin what you doin girl. Keep doin what you doin.lol.
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I was raised in a two parent household. They too fought, but my mom was more of a stand by your man type of gal (even when he was headed for a train wreck or sorts) and my father is very stubborn. Sometimes I did feel life would be better if they were divorced, because even though my father was present it felt as if my mom was a single parent.
I do feel a two parent household and/or relationship is crucial to a child’s development.
…but divorce is sometimes just necessary.
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Although my parents were never married, my father always entered and left my life. So in many ways it was like a ongoing divorce. I used to envy my friends with single parents home because they seemed to have peace and I didn’t. He never did anything for me consistently and when he did he made it seems like it was the greatest thing in the world.
As an adult, I understood that my mother wanted me to have a relationship with my father and not be the bitter ex. Yet I still think sometimes it wouldn’t have been easier if I never knew who he was and he never came around.
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:: Begin emo moment::
Much love to all our commenters who share such important parts of their lives and past with us. It means a lot.
::End emo moment::
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Cheekie Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
*e(mo)-hug*
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Still Water Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Miss Jenkins, this is a great piece.
I first read it at 6am, but didnt have enough time to comment. Now that I have had a chance to read everyone’s comments, I am shocked and moved by the number of people who have experienced situations just like mine. This gives me 2 pretty heavy takeaways:
- The grass is not greener on the other side… unless its Astroturf.
- Marriage is hard.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Thank you boo.
LMAO @ “unless its Astroturf.”
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My parents divorced when I was 2 so I really don’t remember what it was ike to ever live with both parents. I never felt bad about them being divorced. He did however leave the scene until I was about 6 and then kinda stayed in. I’d see him some weekends, couple hours on holidays, vacations here and there. But if I called and asked him for something he’d drop it by my apt or mail it to me.
I can say I am greateful they divorced. My parents never wanted to get married in the first place. They were young (22) and my mom got pregnant. So their parents told them they had to get married. I would’ve been a completely different person. My dad is an authoritarian ruler. It’s absolutely his way or no way which sucks. I’d probablly be like my sisters if I lived with him (very timid, quiet, and docile). So I think as long as a kid knows both parents they’ll be ok
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My Pops’ biological father bounced when he was a kid. As a result, he vowed to never do the same thing to me. Regardless of what was going on between my folks, they stuck together mainly to make sure I was straight. Which I appreciate, but being the in midst of those tense days, night and weeks can wear on a kid.
I love that my folks are still together until this day, I saw the stress that other kids endured had when their parents got divorced. Plus there’s something to be said about seeing what a marriage is really about. Beyond the glitz and glamour of the wedding and sunshiny days. I will say though, there’s nothing worse than that feeling of being in between your parents arguing. There are some things I know, that I would’ve much rather been oblivious to.
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max Reply:
August 24th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
i had a similar experience. my parents definitely stayed together for the sake of me and my sister. and while i appreciate the fact that they were willing to stay in an unhappy situation because they each wanted to be near us, they never hid any of their fights from us. i never got to look at my parents as just parents, it was always as a bad husband or a bad wife. for a lot of my adult life, i was shocked whenever i encountered a married couple that was actually happy; it literally seemed impossible to me.
now after 35 years of marriage they’re talking about splitting up. and talking about it me and my sister when all we want is to stay out of it.
all things considered, i’m not sure that growing up with divorced parents would have been such a bad thing.
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My folks are finally getting divorced after 16 yrs of my mom basically being a single parent. She did everything possible, even taking in my dad’s ignorant ass family members. (Yeah I said it!) You know what he had to say to her? “I never loved you and I’m leaving”. This screwed up my first two years of college because I had to help out. This hurt my baby bro even more. So I think divorce can sometimes be the BEST decision, even though it is painful, because all parties are able to start fresh afterward. My home is the most peaceful it has ever been in years.
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I don’t know much about divorce but I do know what it is like to go from having two parents to one. My daddy died 7 years ago, leaving my mama to support us on her own. Thankfully, I never felt like I had to go without. I would think that divorce would be worse than merely living in a single parent household because of all of the pain that is experienced by all the parties involved or affected by the divorce.
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in my opinion, almost anything is better than watching two people fight and argue all day. it’s unhealthy.
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My mama and daddy divorced when I was a toddler, but my step dad (dad) came along pretty soon thereafter and they’re still together now. But my upbringing was fantastic: my daddy and my dad manned up and became friends and co-parented, so I had three very loving stable parents. Even to this day despite the fact that I’ve been out the house for over ten years, you can still find my daddy stopping by to have a beer or eat some food at my childhood home, especially when I’m there. And all three sides of my family are intertwined on the extended level as well (ie. bio dad’s mama and step dad’s mama are also friends, cousins on all sides hang together, etc) People get very confused when they meet my family but I don’t care. IMO, if you gotta get divorced, this is a very good example of how it should turn out.
And I’m proud of my mama for standing up for what was best for her (divorce) while still trying make sure it worked out for me too (keepin my daddy around no matter what his employment status or what current jump off he was shackin up wit) and for my dad being a good sport and a secure man, and for my daddy havin enough sense to do right by me even when he no longer had access to mama’s goodies :0)
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