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The Ex Factor
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It’s way past the end of the road and unlike the R&B foursome you let him or her go. It’s been a few months, you’ve officially moved on and are doing your own thing. All communication between you and the ex has abruptly stopped, the artifacts of your past relationship are no longer around the house and the friends and family have been notified. You’ve followed the necessary break up protocol both online and off. Your relationship is over, but what about the connections between the ex and your friends? What’s the standard for that?
With Facebook, Twitter, AIM, GChat and a slew of other technological things I can’t list for fear of a daunting word count. It’s ridiculously easy to keep in touch with anyone—including your ex’s friends. On top of that, there are all different types of friendships that are created and sustained because of your previous relationship.
There could be mutual friends that you both shared before you even got into a relationship. Those people definitely have it the hardest. How do your mutual friends remain close to two people who clearly want to go their separate ways? And depending on how bad the break up was, it could be even more difficult. Some pick sides, others take after Sweden and stay completely out of it and then there are those who walk the line like a Barnum & Bailey Circus trapeze artist. There’s no real right or wrong answer, they’re all good methods. No one could really blame the person either way. But what about those folks that became friends with the ex because of you?
This situation is quite different. A lot more questions arise because the two weren’t friends beforehand. They met through you. As a result, should they maintain that friendship now that you’ve broke up with said person? After all is said and done, they might end up in the same situation as our mutual friends above—picking sides or just carefully walking the line. Except this time, one can be in the wrong depending on how far he or she goes.
That’s where one wonders where are the boundaries? What’s the statute of limitations? Talking to a friend’s ex for more than just the small talk, the hi and bye, or the random Facebook wall post could cause some problems depending on the friend’s temperament.
We’ve talked all about the friends, but what about the ex themselves? Should they hold off on hitting up your friends because they’re your friends? Some would say “yes”, others would say “no”. I predict a majority would say, “it depends.” Maybe it depends on how good of a friendship was developed. Me? I don’t hold it against the ex. An ex is going to do what an ex is going to do. As far as keeping in touch with my ex’s friends and family, I like to keep it light. I also don’t actively keep in touch with my friends’ exes out of respect for them. But then again, I never had a deep seeded, matching charm bracelet wearing, BFF kind of friendship with any of my friends’ exes or my ex’s friends. But what about you guys?
Do you have a problem with your ex actively keeping in touch with your friends? And do you make an effort to keep in touch with their friends that you liked when you were together? And if you don’t, do you see anything wrong with it if others do?
Seattle – Following Protocol Since Spring ’03 – Washington
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when one of my exes and i broke up it was difficult because she became good friends with a lot of my friends and frat and vice versa. some of her friends stopped speaking to me all together because i think they were kind of petty like that. my friends on the other hand still remained pretty good friends with her. now that we are cool again, her friends are still cordial to me which is all i can really ask for in the first place.
like you said i guess it all depends on the extent of your breakup. ours wasn’t so great. my ex can be friends with my friends all she wants. no skin of my back. but i’ve never been that guy who is uncormfortable with things like that.
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One of my exes and I have known each other since junior high. We were together in High school, then again in college and then in our late 20s, early 30s (yeah, I kept re-learning the lesson). ANYWAY, because of this family members are involved. My brothers wanted to stay friends with him, his sisters wanted to stay friends with me, our Moms talk.
After a lot of awkward moments with me bringing new fellas around or him turning up with a new woman, our friends having to decide which of us to invite to events. We just decided to dial it all back and put a sort of custody agreement in place. The friends and family we each came in with stay with us, kept a very few mutual friends, everyone else fell back to acquaintance level (card at Christmas).
And no, neither of us can date the other’s friends. Too much drama.
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I think it definitely depends on the nature of the break up. They say with divorce, you don’t just divorce your spouse, but your friends as well. I dated a man who turned out to be a pathological liar… I suddenly realized I h ad to get as far away from him as possible. I’d made many friends through our relationship but after we parted ways… I decided to break all ties with them as well. An extreme example, but it illustrates the point.
Noni Aminah Jones
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The only reason I could see my friends not being or maintaining a friendship with an ex would be because the ex has done so nasty and foul ish during the course of our relationship leading to the breakup. My friends are pretty good judges of character. If they didn’t care for the person, they wouldn’t make an effort to be friends with them in the first place.
If one of them entered into a relationship with an ex, that’s on them, as long as they remain respectful to the fact that I don’t care to know all the juicy details right up front…hell they may find happiness where he and I failed to, stranger things have happened.
I’ve only had one relationship that ended terribly (the whole screaming, name calling thing) so maybe I’m biased about the whole friend issue, my other relationships ended because we just didn’t compliment each other.
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If it’s my close friends, I wouldn’t let him get that close to them in the first place… its’ not that I don’t trust him, but it’s just weird… I know when you have friends, you tend to vent when going through something. I don’t want my man “venting” about us to my girls. It can make it awkward for him (and I say this from experience. I was that girl that was friends with the guy and the girl… ended terribly.)
Plus you have to be proactive for situations like this… in the breakup, it will only make things harder.. they can ask him about you, you ask your friends about him. Why go through that?
I don’t see anything wrong with other people that do it… I just don’t understand why you’d subject yourself to any preventative drama!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Wait, you don’t let your significant others befriend your friends? How do you manage that?
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
No way… lol. If we go out in a group, that’s cool.. but there are no side conversation.. they are not his facebook friends….
I guess they just know not to ask. IT’s pretty much the same for us though.
Maybe it helps that all of my friends are girls, save one guy?
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ASmith Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
It’s a rule of thumb for my life to not be friends with my friends’ significant others if I can help it. It has NEVER ended well when I’ve let it happen.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Exactly.. I have gotten in the middle of some stuff before.. the guy got mad bc I didn’t tell him his woman was cheating. Not. my. job. My allegiance is to both.
All I can do is work on her on my own time… which I did and she told him.
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Noni Aminah Jones Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I’ve had female friends that I knew were thirsty for my significant other of the moment. I don’t know… I don’t think I’d care so much if one of them pursued an ex. I tend to fall out of lust hard, and when I’m done with someone, I feel nothing. Besides, I know that my closest friends, and that only describes about 5 people on the planet, one of them being a man, wouldn’t venture to go where I’ve already been.
Noni Aminah Jones
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
For some reason I thought of star trek and going boldly where no man has gone before.lol.
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Noni Aminah Jones Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
lol, a mess
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Cheekie Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
“I don’t want my man “venting” about us to my girls.”
Definitely not. And for the girls’ sake, they probably wouldn’t want to be caught in the middle of said dramatics. Unless they crave it. lol
For real, though, there are ninjas that do this? Like, they have the audacity to vent about you to YOUR girls? They grew that close to them?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Actually, it’s not that far-fetched. I’d suspect that anybody who does this wants whatever they’re venting about to get back to the person. It’s indirect communication of sorts…
I don’t have experience in this area.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Ah, true, true. Didn’t think about that. That passive-aggressive mess.
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CHeeKZ Funny Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
I once “vented” to a girl’s bestie about the hedges being uncliped…. Next time around things had improved and I avoided that unsettling Convo. I’m just saying, sometimes it works.
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It’s like a custody battle. I feel like my relationship drama is my problem, not my friends’ and so I shouldn’t put them in the middle and make them choose.
I’m no longer friends with my ex (but he apparently didn’t get the memo…) No facebook, no myspace. I hate when he e-mails me, texts me or calls me.
However, I’m still fb friends with some of his friends that I never actually met (wait, maybe I did…) because I haven’t made the effort to delete them. It’s not that crucial to me. I’m also not sure he even still talks to them.
My friends that he added on facebook are still friends with him there, but he lives on the other side of the country from all of us and they never had “independent” relationships anyway, so that’s as far as it extends. I don’t think it would bother me if any of them continued to be friends and talk with him. We didn’t break up because he’s a bad guy.
Where it’s gotten sticky is that I still talk to his brother regularly and whenever I’m in his hometown (which is not mine) I go visit his mom and dad. His mom still calls me her daughter-in-law (hella awkward) and his brother is always asking when I’m gonna come visit. My ex doesn’t seem to care, but I don’t know how much he knows about my visits.
I have to be honest, if the tables were turned, I’d be pissed. I’d tell him to cease and desist immediately. I think the reason he doesn’t is similar to why he didn’t read the memo on how we’re not supposed to have contact.
Overall, I think who you came in with is fair game to take back out, but I don’t think it’s fair to place demands on anyway like “stop talking to him; I hate him now.” We’re all adults, right?
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I think the answer is “it depends, but be more careful than super friendly.” You become friends with the ex’s friends in most cases, just because you were with that person. So when the relationship ends, respect and cordial-ness remains, but beyond that, I just chuck the deuces to the ex and his friends. God forbid you and one of ya ex’s (opposite sex) friends get all close and whatnot…then you have a whole other issue on your hands.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
i agree. it wouldn’t bother me if my friends were still cool with an ex. as long as none of them tries to get with him, i’m good money.
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I have an ex that her and I share many many many mutual friends with. We’re cordial to each other. We invite each other to sh*t knowing that the other one will decline. I think we have an understanding
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“But then again, I never had a deep seeded, matching charm bracelet wearing, BFF kind of friendship with any of my friends’ exes or my ex’s friends.”
ditto on this. I have never really had this issue. even friends that I have met, we’re usually just on some hi and bye. We dont’ live in the same city so its not hard to avoid him or his friends, and I wasn’t fb friends with any of them in the first place. Now mutual associates we had before getting together is different. Its funny because one female (my soror) and I got closer after the breakup. I would consider her a friend now. I don’t think he minds though….
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Damn all that. If I break up w/ someone, everyone should follow suit. If I cut them off totally, so should you. If I’m still cordial, you can be cordial as well, but if you choose to give them the cold shoulder, so be it. Because at the end of the day, it’s really gonna end up in a side choosing war, and someone’s feelings will get hurt (if you care about that sort of thing.) The most annoying thing in the world is trying to cut someone off, but they still have some sort of insight to you based on what they here thru the telephone game. I got an ex right now that I wish would fall off the face of the Earth, but because of telephone, she always knows when my young gunners are having events and she always shows up. As a result, without fail, the day after each event, I get a text from her trying to test the waters. But since I’m a prick I usually throw oil and gas in the water and strike a match. I don’t know if scientifically speaking that actually causes a fire, but you get the point.
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ildolceamore Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Cosigned: ildolceamore
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Maximum co-signage of this. I guess that’s not a surprise though.
I don’t necessarily think my friends/peoples need to despise and wanna drop my ex in the ocean if it was a bad break up, but no reason for them to be communicating on the regular and hanging out like ish is sweet. People take this “I’m not a mean person” crap too far sometimes. If you’re a friend and you can’t stop talking to my ex, then you’re probably a shady bucket of sumthin unpleasant.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
I concur to an extent. There’s a line man. A fine one. But it’s there. Cross it at your own accord.
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I’ve never had an issue regarding the post-breakup interactions with friends of an ex. If they didn’t like me during the relationship, the sentiment stayed the same. If they did, they remained cordial. I have amicable splits of my relationships. We tend to retain ownership of the assets (friends) with which we entered.
It may actually help that I haven’t dated that many guys on social networking sites and/or that I’m only active on Twitter.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Talking about your previous relationships like they’re divorces. Did you have the lawyers from Wedding Crashers at your settlement?
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Peyso Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They’re phenomenal!
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RightCoastLexSteele, Rampin Shop Proprietor Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am
That they are my brother.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:03 am
“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!!!” ::Looks of confusion::
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So what big deal, if you’re that insecure there is some soul searching. Grow some balls and get over it. And if it still bothers you handle your “friends” at arms reach
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ildolceamore Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I don’t think it’s about insecurity, it’s about respecting boundaries. It’s a simple conflict of interest for a girl to remain really cool with her ex-man’s friends. Disagree? Tell me this, if he met you on the terms that you were an extension of one of his boys, how will he ever reintroduce himself to you as something else without venturing in to restricted territory? Seeing your ex-man’s friend at events or in passing, catching up in a crowded room over a beer, that’s all fine and well. But going out to dinner, daily phone calls, or joining a damn book club? Shorty, you know you’re ODing, and you know you like it. That’s cool, just own it.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Really though? Is insecurity really the answer to everything?
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I want to say this is a sensitive topic for me, but in all actuality I don’t care what an ex does. But it is “eye opening” when an ex and a close freind remain buddy buddy… or when that buddy buddy turns into some cutty cutty.
Certain freinds I have are completely against messing with a girl that other one had ‘feelings for’ or even one that got taken down by another (outside of a triz of course)… but another group of freind, non college base, keep having the urge to deep their hands in the same cookie jar when it comes to acquaintances and its only natural that it turns into deep strokes.
I think CERTAIN (emphasis on certain) ex’s of my boys are amazing people. I’m excited when I see them out on the town and catch up. And like a good freind I will tell my home boy every word that you tell me. There is a line, late night phone calls and Snuffleupagus?
I’m not going to stop you or tell you what to do or not to do. But I’m watching you.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Is that certain Man Rule still in effect of not messing with your boy’s ex (until after a certain point which is determined by how long they were actually together)?
I mean, damn, Long Island isn’t that small is it? There’s a whole five boroughs full of chicks right next to it.
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Salty CHeeKZ Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:26 am
idk… talk to you boy.
Ninja’s is sick.
Its like… you had a crush on some thang in High School. Now that we are older and its easier to get the sheezies, dudes keep going in on thangs from the past. Some people can’t let wet dreams go.
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To all of “ildolceamore” alleged e-boos. She off limits cuz we broke up. Now ya cant talk to her. That is all.
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ASmith Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:37 am
BWAHAHAHA.
FTW
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Cheekie Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
This cracked me up a good while. I’m still mad ya’ll e-separated.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
See how you treat me?
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I dont have time to read through the comments, but will play catch up @ lunch.
I know that when a break-up has occured in my little world an informal memo “girl guess what…” goes out to delete, unassociate with etc…but that is up to the reader. I wouldnt be angry if a friend kept in touch w the ex, because exes are exes for a reason and jusat because I’m finished with you doesnt necessarily mean my peeps are. This of course changes when you were seriously committed as in ring wedding children committed and your friends keep in touch, i think that will sting as in bzzzz bumble bee sting…but you cannot control anybody…
but the worst thing you can do is keep any of the ties a secret or lie about it..choppy all over the place but a comment nonetheless
peace
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
“but the worst thing you can do is keep any of the ties a secret or lie about it”
I agree! I’m a big girl I can handle it just don’t lie.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
“but the worst thing you can do is keep any of the ties a secret or lie about it”
CO-SIGN
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Ok, for everybody who says (essentially) “you come with me when I leave” how do you handle a situation where a person was friends with both of you before you got together?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
this is happening to me right now… Work relations. I introduced one co-worker to another co-worker, while being cool with both of them for like a year prior to sparking their love affair.
Now homeboy doesn’t want me to talk to shorty b/c she wont break up with her fiance’ to get with him….
Its a bit confusing, b/c its obvious to everyone that I am not going in. Its just funny email jokes that I forward to you. You are going to get tight about that?
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I have an ex who insists on saying in touch with one of my girls. It’s fine with me. He goes back and forth between wanting to remain friends with me and wanting to be the hell away from me. I’m beyond tired of the back and forth.
Though we haven’t been “involved” for some time and he’s very much committed to someone else, he still has a bad habit of turning to me for advice. We’ve tried remaining friends, and usually it works for a while but eventually we butt heads and things fall apart. At one point when we went our separate ways he began having lunch and speaking somewhat often to one of my girls. She and I are both perfectly aware that he’s using her as a surrogate me and I’m quite okay with it.
As long as he’s chatting her up, he won’t show up at my door with puppy dog eyes looking for a friend.
@ASmith…
I dated a guy I went to high school with for a bit. Not only did we have tons of mutual friends but he and my besty had been friends since Pre-K. While we were going out I did my best to keep my besty out of our relationship. If I was pissed at him I found someone else to bitch to about it, and I tried not to put her on spot and ask what if anything he had shared with her.
When we broke up we didn’t end things on the best terms, but for the good of the group I’ve done my best to remain civil. My besty said that she’s lost a bit of respect for him because he gave her one reason for why we didn’t work out (which she has never revealed to me) and gave me another story which I could tell was bullshit. They’re still close and as time passes I’m less annoyed by what happened between us. He’s been out of the country for over a year which has def. helped
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ASmith Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
My ex does that. Why are you calling me for advice? It makes sense but doesn’t at the same time. So just don’t.
Two of my friends started dating in high school, had a nasty break up in college and since then have played the “should we try again” game for the last 3 years. I knew him first but she and I got to be really close (right before they started dating). He’ll call me to check on how she’s doing or to try to get advice on what to do. I always feel wierd about that because I know she doesn’t really want him to know a lot about her life (outside of what she tells him) but at the same time… he’s my boy.
A few times I felt like I had to choose sides, but when the break up is nasty that’s sort of a byproduct, I guess.
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I don’t particularly care one way or the other. I’ve never had a bad break up, so perhaps that’s the root of my indifference. I suppose if someone really did me dirty and one of my friends still hung out with them, that would really be a testament of my friends’ character and sense of judgment more than anything else. Would I be salty? Ehhh maybe; but not enough to expend too much energy on it. In those situations, it’s up to you to take it up with this “friend.” In my mind, a true friend would never put me in that situation in the first place.
Shout out to MaPockets. Idk…I just feel its a waste of energy to get salty or bothered by folk hangin out with someone you supposedly don’t care about anymore. Let.It.Go.Reply
MaPockets Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
**shout out received successfully**
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ildolceamore Reply:
August 4th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Word. I think I’d have the most resentment towards my friend…for about 5.6 minutes, as much time as it would take to erase her trick ass from my
phonebooklife.Reply
Good Post Queens!
I personally don’t care if my friends are cool with my exes. I’m not that petty and everyone has the free will to do what they want. Its tuff when you have common friends and/or introduce them into a subset of your friends. It’s harder to separate.
Ive had an ex tell her friends she didn’t like that they talked to me because I refused to talk to her after we broke up! A majority of these friends I KNEW BEFORE HER, which I found hilarious. It gets funny when you’re in the same places with them, but you have to be GROWN and not be affected. Its not that serious!
Once you let your common friends know there’s no awkwardness on your end,its all good!
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I met my ex when I was 14 we were hs sweethearts broke up once while we went to college and reunited after I graduated we were together for about 10 years until 4 years ago when we broke up. Since our breakup we have had no drama, he has a new girlfriend (whom I do not know though she is threatened by me and knows me), we have managed to avoid being at the same social events out of respect for each other.
You see we each told our family’s to stop inviting the other over…his cousin still communicates with me and regards me as her cuz as do other cousins of his, I mean really we grew up together our families are intertwined, my brothers still call him once in a while and he occasionally stops by to check on my parents and my neices that he has known since they were born, they still refer to him as uncle T.
I believe the unique part of our post relationship is that we actually spoke about a cool off period and informed our family’s of the same respectively.
I think the key is that a. We acted like adults b. We respected each other’s feelings and c. Had an immidately after the break up no contact cool off period.
Being friends with the ex can happen in a respectful manner but u have to be strategic and specific. I still speak to his best friends and family but no more or less than I did when we were together. He on the other hand communicates to my friends through me, but will communicate with my family at times without me even knowing or finding out after.
MATURITY. RESPECT. And a Plan. Who knew
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