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The Not So Excellent Adventures of Seattle & Slim: Holiday Edition.
After pissing off Slim, his neighbors try to escape during the snow storm.
SLIM: Last time we did one of these not so excellent adventures posts, we were recalling the nightmare that was the apartment hunt for two college educated 20 something Black guys in Boston. Twas an extremely unpleasant process, but we were happy to find a nice spot in an uppity neighborhood with a false sense of security.
SEATTLE: I don’t know what you mean by false sense of security. Maybe for the rest of these folks. I almost knocked out a jogger walking home at night because I thought he was running up on me.
But just when we thought everything was okie dokie hunkie dorie, we slowly felt our membership in certain demographic groups create yet more not-so-excellence. Neither of us have lived in a neighborhood like this before. Free street parking with limited rules (so we thought), a lengthy driveway with a garage for one of our cars and space in the driveway for another, seemingly nice neighbors welcoming us even though they felt their property devalue when we moved in to the homely and snug (insert sexual reference) area. We couldn’t have asked for more…until now. Why must everybody around here talk down to us because we’re young lookin dudes? We won’t even say it’s all because we’re Black. If anything, now they can say “We’re not racist. We live near a couple of colored guys.” That should makes folks at least a little happy.
They welcomed us with open arms, until the white stuff fell from the sky. Now everyone’s fighting over parking spaces like they’re the fine china in a divorce. But you’re right Slim, it isn’t a race thing, it’s definitely an age gap. I’m not a kid. Their kid is probably out there running wild, topless, in the snow at some fine university. I’m sorry you have empty nest syndrome, but no need to fill your parental needs by coming at me. I still have a problem listening to my own parents.
Aight Seattle, they’re doing more than fulfilling needs to quell their empty nest syndrome. They’re knocking on our door and ringing our doorbell multiple times like it’s still Halloween, and talking down to us like wayward youth. Why did it take the European woman upstairs 15 minutes to explain that we need to help shovel the front sidewalk?
“The snow’s not gonna move itself guys.”
Shouldn’t the good education and full time jobs be enough of a clue that we understand snow doesn’t levitate off the ground and move itself off the sidewalk? Did we really need to discuss the intricacies of snow removal 4 times while my french fries overcooked in the oven? Wasting my time is one thing. Messing with my food is sumthin else. Dagger thru her heart.
Mind you, Slim and I had just discussed plans for removing snow right before our upstairs neighbor pounded on our door like the alphabet boys. She didn’t ask about plans, just assumed we were lazy adolescents. Regardless, what took 20 minutes, could’ve been a 20 second conversation. I must’ve said, “Yes. We will call the snow plow company and set something up for tomorrow” about 4 times. When did being Black become not intimidating anymore? These people are like squirrels in a park. Way too comfortable around us.
And who told dude across the street that it was okay to ring our bell and then yell at me about taking up two parking spots when you could barely see the one? All he had to do was ask me to move my car up a couple feet. Since when is it okay for an older and weaker white dude to roll up to a 6’1 215 pound athletic Black dude with a scruffy beard and hoodie on at his house yelling and carrying on like John McCain at a Rite Aid pharmacy? I didn’t see a layer of plexiglass that protected him from being punched in the face. I can’t even remember what I said to the dude cuz I was thee (yes, thee) Incredibly Angry Black Man.
Well Slim, it proceeded from normal, cordial talking to a rapid response dialogue to a loud, throaty shouting match. At which point I calmly put down my buffalo wings, wiped off my saucy fingers and walked over to the doorway. Just in time, seeing that you had transformed into the Black Abominable Snowman, completely blacked out, ripped off your shirt like Hulk Hogan and said, “I just F****IN told YOU!!!” Then that massive claw you call a hand reached out for the door to slam it in his face. Luckily I grabbed the door before you could and swooped in to talk to said neighbor. Saying something around, “Yeah, this conversation is pointless. He explained that we’ll move the car up and take care of it. You have a good day.”
Yeah, you did play the civil role. We were about to have to replace that door and his nose. Thanks to you, I’ll be spending my holiday at home with family as opposed to in a jail cell or in Home Depot. Once dude’s testicles descended again, he did return to apologize. I think he realized he’d unleashed a monster never before seen on our street and didn’t want to see him again. That’s better for all of us.
Damn right, he knows what side he wants to be on when the revolution comes. Or he just didn’t want to end up on that computer screen. Too late.
Seattle – Don’t Do That Slim, That’s 5 to 10 – Washington
Slim – I just F*CKIN told you! – Jackson
20 Responses to “The Not So Excellent Adventures of Seattle & Slim: Holiday Edition.”
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[INSERT obnoxious laughter permeating through the walls of the living room HERE]
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ROFL..tag team blogging..this cheered me up post-bf drama!!
What a bunch of a-holes u guys live around..I can def relate..yesterday morn i woke up to the sound of ice being scapped off a car window @6am!!!!
REDRUM
Don’t let those *people* ruin your day…they just itchin’ to call da cops, to satisfy some sick white supremicist fantasy of theirs……….
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HILARIOUS. I am totally dead at this. I would probably have answered the door with a knife I’m sorry but wtf…
Like you are ruining my relaxing Sunday…have a good day. Thank you..while brandishing my knife.
Oh and Merry Christmas.
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I almost miss the Angry Black Woman/Man fear that white people used to have. I have successfully used it to get my way in many situations although I tamed it so that I didn’t hinder Barack’s ascent into the white house. Problem is, I think its become ineffective and I don’t scare people with my scowl like I used to. It still works on white teenagers though. Sigh … I was trying to milk it into my thirties at least. I’m sad it died at 24 …
Also, 6’1″ and 215 … sounds lovely
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:51 am
Unfortunately that 215 number will drop a bit as said brotha returns to track and field competition shape. He’ll still be able to bench press pianos though.
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This story was great. If anyone can answer this question, “When did being Black become not intimidating anymore? ” u may win the Pulitzer Prize.
I wonder this on the daily.
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Peyso who likes his burritos con queso Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:32 am
Nov. 4th
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:47 am
Hmm, did Peyso just win the Pulitzer Prize?
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Noooo, guys… they have been talkin smack for a MINUTE before then.
Good try though… u get a consolation prize.
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LMAO funny post…. that’ll be the day when someone comes to my house and asks us to move our car/shovel the snow with a bad attitude. my dad would straight flip out (i think my neighbors know better though… he’s the biggest dude on the block). glad that you were able to maintain some sense of composure!
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I sometimes wish that the Angry Black Man/Woman fear wouldn’t cease to exist, but take on a whole ‘nother level of fear. Like, if 2520s try the superiority mess with us then we can say, “I’ll call Pres. Obama on yo ass. Try me.” and they’ll promptly sit down somewhere and shut up.
They probably believe we all have a personal “Black Folks” telephone line that goes directly to his Crackberry.
Thinking about it more, yeah, get on that Obama. Please!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 12:57 pm
The man can’t even carry a Crackberry now. I don’t even know if he can carry a cell phone.
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Cheekie Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Oh, right, he sure can’t!
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lmao @ this post. i work and live with black people, so i don’t get much chance to notice if people still have that angry black woman fear…but i did notice last weekend. i went out with a bunch of friends…who brought friends…and one white friend of a friend says VERY loudly..in the middle of a predominately black club “i wish i could be black for a day! i love black guys” me:??? when did comments like this become ok
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Black & Trapped in Toronto Reply:
December 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm
LMAO…was he/she intoxicated or even mildly mentally ill?
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missjess Reply:
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
mildly intoxicated, but still unacceptable really
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LOL! thanks for this, it made the day much better
and just FYI, yall need to leave Beantown and move back to the South where us Coloreds are still scary 
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i’m literally laffing my ass off now… i can’t even insert the acronymn here because it doesn’t do what my response is justice…
like i said via tweet, it’s a good thing that you’re living with a nice cool-headed seattle cuz if i’d have been there, that man’s feelings would have been hurt and his nuts would have never dropped again…
better luck in the adventures with the middle aged in the future!
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Hilarious post! Ya’ll are crazy, terrorizing those good white people. Ha!
Wow @ shoveling snow. If I ever moved somewhere with real white snow that stuck to the ground I would be at a loss.
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So…let me get this straight. You guys moved into a nice neighborhood, and now you’re double parking and not kicking in on the snow pick up. Way to give the impression that some of us follow the rules guys.
Slim…your angry black man isn’t working for a few reasons. First, you had yet to display it until said incident. Up until then you were just some young punk he was gonna serve if you gave him any jive. Second, you need more people. You guys gotta invite some seedy characters over. You know…the dudes that wear the jacket they copped at the corner store and roll backwoods and what not. You’ll then create the “they all look alike” syndrome, at which point they’ll resort to just fearing anyone black, distinct facial features aside. Third and probably most importnant, you fine gentlemen lack the presence of a dark skinned brother. Not “I think I’m dark” kinda dude…he gotta be Wesley or darker, at least 5’11. Give it six months and the block will be yours. Oh…befriend your gay neighbors. They tell you all the nice places to take your girlfriend and where all the cool bougie places are to hang out and shop. Make it happen fellas…
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