How I Finally Found Faith: Part 1
Such a long journey...
This post is the beginning of a series that I’ve put together on my journeys in faith. As many of the regular readers here remember, I wasn’t exactly a churchgoer prior to 3 Ways Crew taking a break from the wonderful world of blogging. I had a lot of issues with the concept of church and Christianity even though I’ve always believed that there was and is a high power out there. Fortunately for me, there has been a dramatic change in this part of my life over the last few months. There wasn’t really a life-changing (i.e. Got hit by a bus and lived to talk about it) event that sparked it. More or less, it just happened.
So it is my hope that this series will provide a real perspective and set of experiences that will resonate with a lot of the people that visit this site regularly. Whether you are a Jesus soldier or an Athiest, please try to enjoy this for what it is. In this post, I’ll be sharing my background up to the point where I fell off from the church mix. This pretty much covers up to being 20 years old. Part 2 will cover some of the major bumps in the road and frustrations that kept me away as I tried to come back. Part 3 will be about where I am now.
Raised in a church, but I never really got it.
I can remember going to church during my childhood with my parents. I was one of those kids that did the Sunday school thing and I believe there was a point where I even tried to sing before I realized that it wasn’t meant to be. I grew up in an African Methodist Episopal (A.M.E.) church in Upstate NY. It wasn’t the largest congregation in the area, but the members were most definitely dedicated. I remember doing what most kids did and continue to do while in church. Walk in with my parents, stand and sit when everybody else stands and sits. Try to sing along when everybody else sings along. Try to be somewhat rowdy when everybody else is being rowdy. I did just as everybody else did.
Even as I got older, this pattern continued until my parents stopped going to church as much which I meant I didn’t need to go. And even when they did go, I always opted out because I was at that age where they couldn’t really make me tag along on any given Sunday. I saw no reason to be there. To me, church was a fashion show with people trying to outdo each other every week in clothing and with regard to social status. “That’s the Johnson family over there. Look at what that woman has on” and “Look at Mrs. Cook today. She been here for years and dazzles every week” were comments that I regularly heard. As you can probably imagine, I got pretty turned off. And once I get turned off, I’m like a light switch that’s not connected to anything.
Church is full of hypocrites and I don’t like hypocrites.
When I got to college, I didn’t really think about church at all. I was too busy trying to be in the mix. I was a student and an athlete. I was trying to redefine myself after spending 7-12th grade in Catholic schools where I drank the wine, stood and sat, stood and sat, and exited services without really knowing what the point of any of it was. I no longer was one of the few, if not the only, articulate black guys. I was now amongst a bunch of “my” people who I thought would understand where I came from. I thought I was saved, but in a completely different way. God and Jesus, though they are one and the same, weren’t on my priority list then…well, unless I did something incredibly wrong or something amazing happened in my life. “Thank you Lord” and “Help me Jesus” were cliches to me more than anything else. I heard about the student gospel choirs and the church vans that took folks to the local semi-black church spot in Ithaca, NY.
I think I got invited once, but I saw who was a part of the bunch and didn’t really want to have anything to do with those folks. Many of which were the women (and men) who hoe’d it up on Friday and Saturday nights, then went to church on Sunday to wash themselves spiritually of the things they did the week before without really making any outwardly obvious efforts to change. I can remember one occasion where this chick dropped me off after a “night of recklessness” before she headed off to “praise the lord.” I remember literally scratching my head, saying wow, closing the car door, and never speaking to her again. In my mind, what was the point of going to church if you were just going to do the same thing over and over again? It was quite hypocritical and not much difference than what I observed growing up. Seeing this type of behavior on a regular basis turned me off just as much as the fashion shows and seemingly pointless enthusiasm that I observed as a child and a teenager. For me, hope was pretty much lost.
At this point, I wanna bring part 1 to a close and pose a few questions. Please try to limit comments to responses to the questions and thoughts on just this part of the series. What was your experience growing up with or without church/synagogue/temple/mosque/sanctuary? Were there any things that you questioned or things that turned you off in particular, or have you always just been 100% in the mix without question since you were younger? If there are any preacher’s kids out there, I’d love to hear from you as well. Let’s discuss!
Faith ain’t easy,
80 Responses to “How I Finally Found Faith: Part 1”
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Interesting Slim.
I grew up going to church. In fact my parents met in church and i’m a part- time PK. When I was young and asked questions they were simple and my family had no trouble answering. I can’t say people deterred me from going to church b\c I was taught hypocrites, back stabbers, and a**holes could be found everywhere and church was not the exception. My fam just said love them as Jesus would but keep your eyes open.
My church going days declined in HS once My grandfather’s Alzheimer’s reduced him to merely his shell.After my granddad deteriorated and I asked questions all everyone told me was “you can’t question God and he has a master plan”. That answer didn’t and still doesn’t work for me. I’ve never stopped believing in God. My experience with my granddad just led me to search other religions.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 7:10 am
That experience with your grandfather is similar to something I experienced that I’ll cover in part 2.
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ASmith Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:42 am
I hate when people say things like “you can’t question God” because they don’t know.
It’s not true; there are plenty of examples in the Bible of “good” Godly men who questioned Him.
“I don’t know” is a fair answer; more people should learn to use it.
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Satya Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 6:15 pm
I concur.
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i shall hold my applause until after the third part of the series and i’ll try to restrain myself from being outlandish in my comment…
i was raised roman catholic in ny as well. in fact, i’ve taken all the sacraments until marriage in the church. like you, i just did it because i was kind of told to. i went to catholic school from 1st-8th then 11th-12th. so i went to mass when i was in school and did whatever corresponded with that age i.e. first communion, confirmation, etc.
the funny thing is that my parents were never big church goers so i wasn’t either. in high school i tried to go to a baptist church with one of my friends but there was too much “performing” going on there with the holy ghost and what not for me to get it. i went to an ame zion church with my aunt but the preacher just talked about his days as a crackhead. i’m all about testifying, but come on.
i essentially was turned off from church for the same reasons as you. it seemed like the skankiest of them all on friday and saturday night were the ones who were on time for church come sunday morning. i just thought it was so hypocritical that you could be a christian for a couple hours out the week and that was “ok”.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 7:11 am
“i went to an ame zion church with my aunt but the preacher just talked about his days as a crackhead. i’m all about testifying, but come on.”
This is prolly wrong, but I laughed heartily at this. Like rolling around holding abs.
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ladebelle Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
mhm… there’s a special place somewhere for you…
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I was raised by a Pentecostal & a Presbyterian, & grew up in Episcopalian & Catholic schools. My parents were busy physicians so Sunday church just didn’t happen – we were thus thrown into religious schools so we could be surrounded by “church folk,” since my mom did think that knowing God was critically important. During the 90s my mom decided to church hop, but b/c there weren’t any serious Pentecostal churches around Portland, we frequented a Baptist one for a while, where I chose to be baptized, until we just got too busy with school & competitive sports. So up until high school graduation, I was in Church every Friday. Friday masses were times of reflection for me &, despite my slight skepticism about the sincerity of scripted liturgy, I greatly appreciated what I learned there.
When I got to college things changed. I had some fun in Gospel choir for a hot minute until I went online, but overall, I wasn’t really feeling the hype for the same reasons u discussed, Slim. I didn’t vibe w/ neither the hypocrites nor OD righteous, so after several attempts to find a church home alongside my peers, I decided I could maintain a better relationship w/ God outside of church than w/in.
That’s where I’ve been, quite satisfactorily & rewardingly, ever since… I’ll save my reasons, experiences & such for the rest of the series.
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First off, I just wanna say that I’m very excited to read the rest of this series and applaud you for writing it; it can be hard to share aspects of your faith walk/journey with others (at least for me anyway) so congrats on that.
My faith journey: grew up going to church most Sundays prior to my parents divorce, then less and less after my father moved out when I was 14. Since then, my mom wasn’t feeling church, so we pretty much stopped going altogether. This led me to search out God on my own and I started watching alot of religious programs (too many for my own good really) and I got saved watching a church ministry one day. Prior to then, I guess I had kinda just done the “do as you’re told and go to church” thing too without really thinking about it. So I suppose it’s good that I had a break period so I could find God on my own.
My churchgoing days dramatically increased when I went to college: started going to church, Bible study, etc every week and I continue the trend today, which includes going to an awesome church that was founded with the purpose of being the exact opposite of the churches you mentioned: it’s main focus is on teaching the Bible in a simplistic way, it’s anti “fashion show”, and anti “whoop and holla”, i.e., putting on an act or a show, and anti extra long service for no reason….really wish there were more churches like it.
Question for you in regards to your comment that: “Many of which were the women (and men) who hoe’d it up on Friday and Saturday nights, then went to church on Sunday to wash themselves spiritually of the things they did the week before without really making any outwardly obvious efforts to change.”—->aren’t these some of the people who need to go the most? It concerns me when people turn off church (and worse, turn off God) due to the actions of others. My thinking is that just because you may not have seen any outward changes, doesn’t mean that there weren’t inward ones developing.
I know that it can be a struggle and take me a long time to stop a negative action or a sin, so I try not to think of others as hypocrites for hoeing it up, smoking it up, etc and going to church at the same time.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 9:50 am
In response to your question, those probably are the people that need to go the most. However, there’s just something about seeing people flocking to church 1 day and posting a few bible verses on facebook or twitter, then turn around and consistently participate in recklessness publicly (i.e. sleeping around, cheating, etc.) I think a lot of us would have respected those type of people more if they didn’t try to overcompensate for their lame behavior by shouting Jesus on Sunday and a couple other days. I don’t necessarily agree with this now, which I’ll get into in part 3, but I know a lot of people who share that sentiment.
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Lisa Marie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:14 am
I feel you, thanks for the explanation. I had a coworker once who reminds me of the folks you were talking about: she was very often mean and nasty at work but stayed calling on Jesus in the office, on facebook, etc. Also knew a couple men at my last church who were the main ones sitting in the pulpit, and/or hollering in the pews but come to find out they were the seriously hoeing it up, lying, and even stealing from other church members in business dealings…craziness. Their actions eventually caused some folk to leave the church because they were turned off which I think is a terrible shame.
There’s a favorite quote of mine that says: ”The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” (”What If I Stumble” song – dcTalk)
Reading your experience, the experience of some commentors, and reflecting on my brother’s experience (re: he became an atheist after my father, a faithful churchgoer, divorced my mom), I realize how very very true this quote is; terrible shame.
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I’ve had quite a journey w/ my Jesus… so um yeah my response might be a lil’ lenghty
Growing up I was very confused about the whole God, Jesus, Mary, and Saints thing. Both of my parents are Catholic but were never church goers. I actually can’t recall one time as a child when we went to mass as family w/o some sort of pretext. Before I started Pre-K a neighbor watched me; an older lady who was very religious and Baptist… she literally had velvet Jesus paintings in her dining room and she taught Sunday School. Every summer from about age 4-10 she would
dragtake me (and as many other kids as she could cram in to her mint green Caddy) to Vacation Bible School. So for 2 weeks every summer I would get my church on and learn about God…While you’d never know it by looking, both of my parents grew up in kinda strict Catholic households. My dad was an alter boy and my mother went to Catholic school until 7th grade. My sister went to Catholic school from K-12, and when it was time for me to start learning my alphabets I was sent to Catholic school as well and THAT is when all the confusion started…
In Catholic school we had religion class and learned not just about Christianity but specifically about Catholicism. I also had CCD classes leading up to my baptism so I learned all about saints, sacraments, transubstantiation, and the Miracle of the Eucharist (all non-Catholics can wiki that for an explanation). I get that beat in my head all year and then, when the middle of summer comes, I’m back at Vacation Bible school, but this time I have all the old Black ppl looking at me sideways cause I’m saying prayers to St. Anthony because I lost an earring and wondering why we haven’t said any Hail Marys yet, and WHAT IN THE HECK happened to all the chimes and incense??!?!
Things got even more confusing after the recession hit and my parents found themselves with less disposable income. Come 2nd grade I was sent to public school which meant my parents would have to actually go to church regularly if they wanted me to finish the sacraments… Apparently my parents decided the salvation of my immortal soul wasn’t a priority o_O SOOOOO… I never had first holy communion, first confession, etc, and was never confirmed. It was no big deal until weddings and funerals came around. To this day I feel awkward at every and I mean EVERY family event that involves a mass. I’m the only one who doesn’t take communion, I can never remember the Apostles’ Creed… my Dad’s aunts STAY giving me the strong side eye…
Sunday was nothing more than a great day to laze around the house until around 6th grade. I got recruited by a neighbor to come to her church, a Baptist church, and join their newly formed youth choir. I decided to check it out and that day forever changed my life. I gave church a try and LOVED IT!! I’d never been to just a regular Baptist Sunday service and I found it quite liberating. For the first time in my life I was allowed to actually participate in a church service. It was so empowering and got me really motivated to build my personal relationship with God. By high school I was a member of the Youth and Adult Choirs, the Praise Team, AND was Sunday School Secretary (I told you I was motivated lol). I was at church ALL THE TIME, and I was happy about it. It was such a blessed and happy time in my life, and then… I grew up. *sigh*
I grew up and started noticing the politics of the church. There were conversations that I overheard and shady stuff that happened that just didn’t sit right with me. This a was a house of God and all this tacky un-Christ-like behavior and foolishness just seemed to go unchecked between the adults and it just ruined my happy Church home. College ended up being a great excuse to pretty much leave my church. I visited on a few trips home but those fell off and eventually I just stopped going.
In more recent years I’ve found myself struggling to reconcile the Catholic beliefs that first introduced me to God and the Baptist teachings that nurtured my relationship with God. Until recently I hadn’t attended mass outside of a wedding or funeral in about 18yrs but there are some practices I keep that are very Catholic, for example, I keep Lent every Easter season. It started to bug me that I while I wasn’t missing out on God I was missing out on a family heritage, culture, and rite of passage. Growing up I was hard pressed to find Black Catholics outside of my family but now as an adult I’ve met a lot of
West AfricanCatholics and I find that I have a lot more in common with them than I do with most of my other friends who come from families who are of other denominations.I struggled for a few years about whether or not I wanted to finish my sacraments and be a “true” Catholic but that became an even bigger struggle… I’m liberal and the Catholic church is uber conservative. If I’m not going to follow the tenants of the Catholic church then I feel like it’s wrong for me to make the commitment to God that I’m going to…
Every time I feel like I’ve made up my mind I get all confused again…
In the end I find myself 100% secure in my faith but TOTALLY mixed up about my religion.
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Lisa Marie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:55 am
have you considered going to non-denominational Christian churches? I went to one during college and attend one now and to me they’re great because they are focused on following the Bible and not religious traditions or rituals tied to particular Christian sects. It may be a good fit for you.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 2:06 am
I’ve recently started attending a African-American Catholic Congregation that’s run by a former Roman Catholic Bishop. Since they’re not affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church they do things a lil differently, for example, they invite all believers to take communion. I have oodles to share about my experience there cause it truly tripped me out the first time I went, but I figured I’d follow Slim’s directions and save that for his next two posts
I will say that so far I’m very happy with the church but I’m trying to move out of this area and so in someways it feels like a temporary solution, but for the moment I’m a happy Catholic, at least at this church…
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Lisa Marie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 2:10 am
that’s cool; glad you found something that meets your needs
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Thank you for writing about your journey. I’m excited to read the next parts.
My mother became saved while pregnant with me and I think that has everything to do with my relationship with The Lord all of my life.
I grew up Baptist. Attended church evvveeerrrryyyy Sunday (Sunday School too). Went to Youth Bible Study on Wednesdays. Choir rehersal and/or Usher practice every other Saturday afternoon or whenever.
All of this did nothing but make me semi-loathe church & anxious to be grown so that I wouldn’t have to attend anymore.
When thinking back on it though. It wasn’t all that bad. I grew up a military brat so we were always finding a new church home in a new state. I met new friends that didn’t go to the same school as myself which was cool.
Teens sat in the back in every church we joined and that always made church more enjoyable. I witnessed the cattiness and women talkin ish about others but my mother was aware of what I knew/heard or saw and talked to me about those types of ppl in the church. I think the hardest thing was the fact that my father did not go to church regularly and for me, there was a bit of confusion from what I was being taught and what was real.
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Wow… I think this is swell!
:::does an excited dance:::
I share a lot of your sentiments, Mr. Slim. I was raised in a pretty non-hoopla kind of church. I think my distinction comes from my parents. My Mom was raised Baptist. My Dad… I think he went because he was told to. We stopped going when I was 12. I remember the day very clearly. We got dressed for church and we (my brothers and I) went and sat in the mini-van. Then the fight ensued in the house between while my parents while my brothers and I chilled in the garage.
Mom came out (crying) and said that we weren’t going to church and we never went as a family ever again…
Dad said that he wanted his children to “keep their options open”. He likes Louis Farrakhan and their were tons of books in the house written by Elijah Muhammad… (great way to stay impartial, Dad) but I really can’t rock with Muslim ideologies towards (anything) women or the fact that they killed Malcolm X.
In addition, my Dad always avoided (Jesus Blocked) my propensity to embrace God and Christianity. My brothers on the other hand, decided that they just didn’t believe in any kind of divine entities (Dad was cool with that). By the time I was in graduating High School, “keeping my options open” allowed me to see the hypocrisy in many of the Black churches and the Black church experience. I’d cringe at pastors in purple zootsuits and diamond cuff-links, the gay men with an affinity for choir, women that I saw in the club the night before or the older women who are the meanest, most discriminating and judgmental people on the face of the planet.
In college, people began to sense (or wonder) that I do believe in God, and would try to get me to go to church with them, but by then, I felt like a hypocrite (for never going) and incredibly out of place, so I was never able to bring myself to go…
My skepticism in Church, Religion (and its people) has stayed with me to this day, but I do miss Jesus.
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I totally understand where you’re coming from. I went to church with my mom about 5x a week for church and various activities. I was the head youth leader in every youth activity as a president or some kind of officer and on the church council. But through all that I always questioned religion and the bible and the exact same things you listed above about fashion shows and hypocracy.
When I got to college I stopped going to church, I studied religious philosophy, philosophy of religions, and the real history of Christianity on the side. Let’s just say that I had to be strong in my faith after every thing I learned or else I’d still be an agnostic, which what I became for some time.
I made a decision to trust in the faith of my God and not in religion. To me religion is mans device to control the hearts and faith of many. I don’t need that. I created a personal relationship and that’s it. I also attend a nondominational church every now and then but it’s mostly out of the habit from growing up of “I need to go church.”
You have to find faith on your own and I’m glad you made the journe. Can’t wait to read the rest.
(wrote this from my iPhone, please forgive me for any grammatical and spelling errors lol)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Ain’t nothing wrong with writing from an iPhone. As long as you shared a perspective, we’re happy here.lol.
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First things first, thanks to everyone who has took the time to comment on this post so far. Looks like today is going to be a great day on the site. I look forward to hearing more people’s experiences growing up in or out of a church!
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Thanks for taking the time to write this series… (I’ve decided based on the first post that next two parts will be equally awesome)
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Great post! I like this series already!
I grew up in church, starting at age 6…also AME. It was a fairly small church, and I enjoyed going. I was an usher, in the choir, went to Tuesday teen Bible study, summer and winter retreats, and even hung there on Friday nights….you get the idea, I was pretty active lol.
The youth, we were like a small family and hung out all the time. We were taught why we did certain things, but looking back, we took what they said and left it at that. We were taught not to question the Bible, the ministers, and traditions….to just do them.
The turnaround for me was when I went to college. I kind of strayed away. To this day, I still go to church, but I go to a non-denominational church where the focus is more on the Bible and applying it to life. The environment it more relaxed, and we can come as we are (I wore jeans Easter Sunday…as did pastor lol).
I miss and still love my old church family, but it was a foundation that made me who I am today. Do I go to church every Sunday? No. And I’m not holier than thou either. I am a believer and struggle just like every man and woman in my daily life. I just try each day to make myself better.
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I had a very similar experience to Satya. I grew up w/ a Catholic mother’s side & Episcopal father’s side. I had my first communion, went to Church every Sunday & attended catholic elementary school. Everything was fine w/ me except I didn’t understand why when I went to church w/ Dad’s family we didn’t do confession. Needless to say I grew up in the Bronx during the 80′s so at some point Dad wasn’t living the great lifestyle, I had to leave catholic school, mom was struggling etc. etc. Then my father died. I distinctly remember being concerned for my father’s soul b/c I knew the life he lived. I asked Father Roberts what would happen to my father’s soul and he told me he was going to hell. At that point I stopped dealing w/ church. I refused to believe that my father would be sent to hell b/c he had a drug problem & didn’t make it to church on Sundays. So after that I stopped going to church. My family let it slide b/c they figured I was a child in mourning and they should just let me be.
When I got to college at my HBCU, everyone gave me flack about my religious indifference and I tried to get back into the church, but then I found I couldn’t really get down w/ the Baptist or AME scene. The whole vibe just seemed a little wrong to me. Not to mention people who were loosey goosey one day and then went and cried and got saved and then wanted to preach to me about religion as if I did not grow up in the church. Church and its people just didn’t sit right with me anymore.
As time progressed I just found my own personal place between me & my God. Others may not understand it, but they don’t have to. If I find a church I like I will go for a couple of services. Once in a while I feel the need to go to confession & take communion. Hopefully this is good enough….
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:49 am
Father Roberts… told me he was going to hell.
First off let me say I’m sorry for your loss.
Catholics are quick to damn someone. I used to have a LOT of issues with that as a kid and there are still some things about that whole damnation of your eternal soul thing that bother me, it seems like everything you do will send you southward, and there’s a lot of technicalities to getting into heaven the Catholic way… as a kid I found it truly disturbing because they (at least at my Catholic school) seemed to really push the whole fire and brimstone thing to kids. SMH
A good priest looks for the “out” (like a said, technicalities). Most priest I know would have pointed out that drug addiction is an illness and therefore your Dad would not be damned for his actions were rooted in his illness not in his heart. The God I know is a loving God so I’m sure he’s in a better place.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
“everyone gave me flack about my religious indifference and I tried to get back into the church,”
Boy, I can relate. Despite being perfectly happy and functioning, people feel the need to ‘save’ me or push faith on to me. Its sickening and ignorant. The very phrase ‘you need Jesus’ is judgemental and narrow minded.
I have strong feelings about people who try to ‘church’ others up. I think its more about themselves and their egos, than actually helping the person.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
“I have strong feelings about people who try to ‘church’ others up. I think its more about themselves and their egos, than actually helping the person.”
That’s coming up in one of the next parts. I ran into this in the Bahamas as well. Couldn’t even go on vacation without hearing about how I needed to be saved. Only saving I thought I needed was the lifeguard if I got swept away into the ocean.lol.
More to come!
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Great job! Even though I read this blog faithfully I rarely get to respond these days but this is so well-written that I had to sneak a response (I’m in a lecture about medical malpractice). Anyway, hopefully I’ll get to contribute about being Seventh Day Adventist and realizing I don’t like other Adventists later.
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I heart this post, thank you for sharing with us and being so open about something that is so personal.
I was raised in a Black Baptist Church…so you know all the cliches that go along with that…you remember the fill in the blank joke that went around (still goes around) about the black church? Well let’s just say I got all of the fill in the blanks right! LOL.
As a child my experience was pretty much the same as your’s…but being a girl I got my hair pressed and combed the night before and put up in sponge rollers, my frilly frou frou dress, white tights and patent leather black Mary Jane shoes on were laid out. The in the morning we would get up head to St Judah where I would sing and clap with the other folk and promptly fall asleep when pastor started preaching (tee hee).
I never really paid attention to when we stopped going as frequently as a family to church, but I do remember by high school we found another church and started going regularly again. My pastor was a teaching pastor and you could ask him anything and he would tell you straight, no chaser. He also believed that there’s a special place in hell reserved just for “preachers.” This church was small and old school, with a twist, he preached fire and brimstone BUT he never forget the human sinner in the sin, so he preached forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.
After I graduated high school (and got grown,lol) and went to college..church slid off the radar. Church on campus made me feel like I was attending BET Gospel Music Awards which just turned me waaaayyyyy off, so for those four years church became just a building to me. I never lost the spiritual side of me but that’s when I discovered that to me, church and religion were not the same thing.
Fast forward to about 3 years ago…I was introduced to a more progressive church where there were more people my age. It was come as you are, had contemporary music, short services and I thought this was hitting on something!! The pastor was dynamic..until I started really listening to him and realized that after every Sunday I would leave there just unfulfilled with the message and it’s mega church antics…which I couldn’t deal with. I started to feel like a number and reduced my time in church to the web-casts and bible study…but something still wasn’t right and not genuine…just all kinds of wrong; again it became a concert. So I found myself going back to visit my home church with my mother.
My faith never stopped, it may have gotten wobbly during the trying times…especially losing my daughter, but even through those times, there was only one place for me to turn that gave me peace. I read and studied on my own and wrapped my journey around myself and realized my walk is unique to me and let folk say what they wanted to say.
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I grew up in a home where my siblings and I eagerly awaited at the window for the big blue and white church bus to pull up. I beleive our parents sent us every Sunday to get a little peace and quiet and to recover from the partying they did the night before. When I was 13 they let us all decide if we wanted to contiue going to church and out of the 5 I was the only one who continued going. Looking back I’m sure the reason why I continued to go was because it provided clarity. The church was Baptist and predominately Caucasian, and because they were so filled with Christ I never once felt out of place and as such I walked away with a love for Christ.
In college, I started attending a CME church partly because it was a requirement to attend in order to be an active member of my sorority. I can’t say I got much out of it since I was going for the wrong reasons
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Great post!! I’ll return later with a more thorough, thoughtful comment, but this is wonderful!
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Thanks for your honesty Slim!
Since you focused on just childhood, I will do the same until the next posts…
I grew up in a Baptist church, going to church every day and going through the motions. As a child, the best part about church was the music and making friends outside of school, but I could have gone without the boring sermon I didn’t understand and getting pinched viciously for falling asleep in the meantime.
Sunday school was a time for me to misbehave and ask questions the teachers couldn’t answer. I figured out I was smarter than most of my Sunday school teachers around the age of 11, and from that point, I spent most of my time getting kicked out for challenging the Bible and its teachings, and getting pinched viciously for it when they ratted me out to my moms.
I think the turning point for me was around age 16. I was going through a lot at that time, with normal teenage drama and a lot of other stuff no 16 year old should ever have to deal with. I guess part of me wanted to turn to God, but my church seemed to be falling apart, too. My pastor had decided to focus all his energy on his other church, and stepped down, leaving us with a bunch of “interim pastors” that I never really connected with. Then, they decided to have a “vote” on who would inherit the throne, and we had 3 pastors come in and “practice what they preach” lol for 2 weeks, and we got their biographies and pictures and stuff and put it to a vote. The one I thought was the WORST also happened to be young, handsome, and recently married with twins on the way, so he fit the “profile” better than the preachers that actually knew what they were talking about. So the rest of the church chose him. He was horrible. He referred to himself in the 3rd person and went on these long tangents and never came back. I was lost, and found myself going to church and getting even more lost.
So I gave up. On God, on religion, on faith. I decided if church was going to be based on some idealistic picture and not reality, I’d rather not be a part of it. The further away I went from God, the more my life spiraled into an oblivion. I don’t even remember my senior year of high school or freshman year of college because I was so deep into my own feelings of worthlessness.
I bet you’re thinking this is when I found God. It isn’t. Part 2 is about my utter rebellion, where I gave God the proverbial finger. I look forward to next Thursday. =)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
lol at your name btw. I was like who is JC…then slapped myself in the head.
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Joey loves JC & SJ Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:00 pm
lol!
guess who found the underground railroad to 3 ways on a government computer… MISS SOAMAZIN!!!!!
only a matter of days til they discover me and block me again, but in the meantime, LOOK AT ME, I’S A FREE WOMAN!!!!! MASSA CAN’T GET ME NOW!!!!
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I actually didn’t grow up going to church regularly. I went occassionally with my mom when she felt like going. In middle school my friends lived near a church and I went to vacation bible school with them a couple summers, so I then started attending that church but I wasn’t a member. After visiting a few churches with either my friends or other family members my mom and I decided to join one. I got baptized when I was 16.
I think being older allowed me to embrace it and understand my own faith a lot better. If I have children I would like them to go to church early, but I see very often how the pomp and circumstance of it all turns young folks off and away from God. In college we actually had church service on campus (may be a HBCU thing) and one of the professors at the school was a pastor so a large # of students went to his church as well.
And after joining my sorority, my LSs and I went to church together–we had chapter meetings on Sundays so it was an all day fellowship kinda deal. I don’t attend church regularly now, but I’m still very much actively working to improve my walk with Christ and I love to visit churches of my friends and coworkers. Still looking for a place that feels like home.
I look forward to reading the other parts of your series.
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Nice job, Slim. Let me take you on a ride through my youth….
I was raised in the rural South, and church is pretty much all they do. I was raised in a Baptist church. And not just any church, but my family church…. my grandfather’s side of the family was one of the original founding families. Of course, my mother had me, my older sister, and my younger sister in church every Sunday. We were all on the youth choir, went to Sunday school, Bible study, Junior Missionary Society, usher board, and were active participants in conferences and conventions. My father and my 2 oldest siblings were not members of our church, and the only time I’ve ever seen my father step foot inside that church was for my grandparents’(his in-laws) respective funerals.
It was right around HS when I started not wanting to go to church. Every Sunday, I fought with my mother. It got a little violent a few times. Mom was quick with the backhand… SMHLOL!! It wasn’t that I was questioning my faith, but as I got older, I began to see the hypocrisy, and just unchristian-like behavior of the adults and leaders in the church. And I didn’t want to be around it.
When I got to college, I wanted to find a good church to attend that spoke to me where I was at that time in my life. My home church hadn’t grown with me, and I wanted a fresher, less country take on things. And being in Atlanta, there were plenty of churches for me to test out. I attended a few mega churches, including Creflo’s church,
which solidified my disdain for him and his entire operationand realized mega churches weren’t for me. I attended Ebenezer Baptist, and it felt just like my Ebenezer back home. I even attended a Catholic mass with my friend, and was highly offended when they refused me communion b/c I wasn’t Catholic. It was my first time attending mass, and it never occurred to me that I, a fellow Christian, would not be able to take communion. Yeah, I was beyond livid. Eventually, I found a church in Atlanta that was big, but still felt close knit, the pastor was as much of a teacher as he was a preacher, and he did not do a lot of hoopin’ and hollerin’.And I never attended church every Sunday while I was in college. I recognized my junk, and couldn’t bring myself to go on those Sundays after a night of debauchery. Instead, I just went to brunch. SMH @my20yroldself.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:15 am
sorry so long… lol
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 10:58 am
Did you see how much I wrote? If my reply wasn’t deleted I think you’re safe lol!
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Lisa Marie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:08 am
What’s the name of ur church in Atlanta? I’ll be going down there for work for the next few months and am looking for a good place to go.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:10 am
I don’t live in Atlanta anymore, but the name of the church is Zion Hill Baptist Church. http://www.zionhill.org/
From the website, I see they are growing….
I haven’t been in nearly 5 years, but I loved it when I was there.
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Lisa Marie Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:13 am
i’ll check it out, thanks
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:25 am
I still smh @my20yroldself…le sigh
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I started going to church around the age of 6, when I enrolled at the Catholic school down the street from my house. The church was right across from the school so it was convenient. From what I can remember, my mother was the one who took my brother and I to church – my dad’s excuse was that he’s Methodist (not that he went to a Methodist church). My mother was raised Anglican which is closely related to Catholicism, I believe.
We were at church every Sunday, not to mention my brother and I were there Fridays because Fridays was all-school mass. I was baptized, had first communion, and confirmation at this church. Once my brother and I were in high school, we started to go less frequently but we still had all school mass at our high school once a month. I forgot to mention our priest was a little weird. What grown ass, 300 lb. man do you know that goes to Disney World twice a year without kids or a wife? How am I supposed to take the word of God seriously when all I can think of is your wearing your Mickey Mouse hat. I digress.
I was one of those kids who went, because I was supposed to. I never really listened to the gospel. I was just happy to know that I would be in by 12pm and out by 1pm.
In high school, I took a Theology honors course. Wth is Theology Honors? Some bull and extra credit. In that class we didn’t read the bible like in most Theology classes. We were able to pose questions and discuss our beliefs in all types of religion. This class, although I hated the teacher, allowed me to think out of the box in terms of religion – because not everything is black and white. Once I got to college I went to mass a couple of times on campus but stopped because it wasn’t a priority for me at that time.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Sounds like your school was pretty open minded. My sister sister failed religion senior year of HS. She wrote a paper on abortion rights for her current affairs class and when her religion teacher found out about it she failed her. I think Theology Honors would have been a much better look lol.
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olivya23 Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:11 am
Whoa! That’s going overboard. I wish a teacher would prevent me from graduating over a Theology course. lol
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:19 am
She graduated. I can’t remember how things got worked out exactly but I think she ended up just failing that quarter. My sister is still bitter about it to this day SMH.
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I spent the first 8 years of my life in a foster home, with super christians. We went to church about 5/7 days. When I got out my real fam didn’t go to church. We believed in God and all that but never went. So growing up I used to pray for small things and they’d never come true. I started to get angry. All i wanted was to live a normal life. But my life was always so difficult. By the time I got to college I wasn’t all that interested in church or God. I too saw the hypocrisy of the college christian. But my best friend and this girl he was tryna get at invited me to church. And slowly my life changed for the better spiritually. I was saved and now consider myself a dedicated Christian.
I would say that the hypocrisy doesn’t bother me at all unless it’s like the Pastor. Mainly because I understand that being a devout believer in a secular world is hard work. None of us are perfect, we don’t always do the right thing. At the end of the day we all have to answer for our actions by ourselves. I would say I respect those who are able to admit that what they do is hypocritical versus the ones who try to be all hardcore Jesus in public but really are saturday sinners, sunday saints.
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I was raised Catholic, as most caribbeans/europeans will tell you. Went to Catholic school until 10th grade. It became a habit and a lifestyle for me to go to church on Sunday.
I always question certain aspects of the RCC, but instead of defecting, I choose to work within, build my own personal relationship with God, and accept this denomination of Christ worship for what it is and love it.
I never got turned away from the church completely. We always go through different phases where we lose faith, but found my way back.
Lookin 4wrd 2 pt 2!
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Growing up as a preacher’s kid, I fell in love with church without cultivating a genuine love for any kind of god. It was just another thing I was good at…I could sing, I could act, I could quote scriptures, I could dance – you get the idea. I treated everything I did in that church as another opportunity to be “on stage”.
It wasn’t until I left my father’s church in college that I began to see beyond the perfomance, and really understand what God was all about. I began to see myself in all of the religious hypocrites that I hung out with, and decided that I didn’t want to be like that.
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Excellent post Slim
I was raised in a house full of preachers. My grandfather was the Sunday School superintendent for about 42 years and four of uncles are minister and deacons.
But I didn’t have too many early bad experiences growing up in that environment. I credit this to my mom and grandfather who tried to make sure that I grew up without a constant spotlight on me. I grew in a pretty strict denomination (COGIC) and since my parents weren’t married my brothers and I could have been the subject of every sermon. He also allowed to question what I heard and read in church. He used to tell me the problem without a lot of church folks is they are too afraid to delve into the scripture for themselves. I was never made to feel as if I spreading heresy because I was asking a question and to this day I’m grateful for that.
When my grandfather died however, I knew just how different he was and how much of a shield he was also. We became the “sinful five” and we were the subject of so many sermons that I began to question as to why God allowed to be alive in “those” circumstances. My teenage years were spent avoiding church and having home worship with my family.
Now I am slowly rebuilding a relationship with church. Things have occurred in my life where I realized being around someone with true faith and spiritual maturity would be beneficial to me. I still proceed with caution but so far I feel like I’m a lot of progress.
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I was in church from early on. My mom’s relationship with Christ is super tight and that’s what I watched growing up, what I understood I needed to be working on.
When I was 9, we joined a church that had just started. This church and I literally grew up together. I say, with no hesitation, that I am who I am in large part because of that church and what I learned (and who I met).
I knew all the right answers, I was a leader. My youth pastor wrote a letter to me (that I still have) right before I graduation. It said “This is how you end it…” (referring to the manner in which I would be leaving the youth group). I remember reading it and it occurring to me I had no idea what he meant, but I should.
While I was in college, I hardly went to church. I couldn’t deal with the mega-church that attracted all my friends, and while I liked my cousin’s church I had a hard time getting “plugged” in; it was just easier not to go. When I was at home, though, it was like nothing changed. I even would go home specially to help supervise events my “old” youth group would put on.
All this was hard for me, because I understood that church is just a building with people in it (at the end of the day) and what I needed to be focused on, but wasn’t, was my relationship with Christ. I started going to a bible study on campus, which helped some but for the most part I was really torn with myself because I’d gone quite some time believing I had a good relationship with Him, and I didn’t know how to start over (or who to ask for help)
I’m really excited about where this is going, Slim. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, as a side note, I’m 100% with you on the hypocrites. I was mostly turned off by the mega-churchness, but I also struggled to deal with the fact that many of the people who organized large van rides to church, held bible studies and presented themselves as “good” Christian people were the same ones doing questionable things almost every other day of the week. I wasn’t looking for perfection, but just an acknowledgement of who they claimed to be on Sunday, any other day of the week.
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I don’t know if any of you have read The Shack but I enjoyed it and it challenges a lot of beliefs about the ritual of church vs. the relationship with God.
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ASmith Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 11:45 am
My mom keeps telling me I need to read it. It’s on my to-do list…
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The beginning of my journey in church was pretty fragmented, kinda like my childhood. God was always present, but not always in a formal way. I remember praying like God was a magician who made things appear and disappear.
The first church I remember attending when I was little was a Lutheran church…I think my brother and went to their daycare, so I guess it made sense for Grandma to take us to their sunday school and church service too. I remember moving to a few different churches and denominations until I was about 10 or so.
Around then, I started to go to a Baptist church with my mother…didn’t sing in the choir, but we were there on Fridays and Saturdays because of her immersion in all their ministries: adult choir, women’s choir, usher board, missionary board, prison ministry, etc. We did different stuff with the youth ministry, the retreats, the community service projects and all that. One Sunday, during alter call, I “joined the church,” and took my little brother up there with me cuz i didn’t want to walk up by myself. It was a decision I made for myself, but I remember feeling kinda pressured by all the singing and hooping and hollering. I don’t regret the decision, because I have grown to love the Lord, but I dunno how much of an independent and informed decision it was. We were both baptized in that big pool. I remember being scared that I was going drown when they dipped me.
Sometime after I turned 13, my mother started going to the same Presbyterian church as my aunt. It was here that I really began to develop a relationship and understanding of God. I was in church every Saturday and Sunday and loved it. There were boys there, church parties and fun stuff. It was all the social life my developing adolescent self needed.
I definitely had my moments when I questioned God and what His deal was, looked at church people with the o_O, hated the other kids in the church because they were just as mean as kids at school, and wondered about the ladies who gossiped about each other (included my own family members).
In college, church was just something I didn’t do. It wasn’t until I started grad school did I begin to go to church on a still barely regular basis. All in all though, I can say that my faith in God has been fairly consistent, yet my relationship with Him has and continues to need work.
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these are the longest responses in the history of the internets.. no hate. Just noting how the concept of faith motivates people to share.. I’m trying to read as many comments as possible… we can discuss why during part 3. Slim said this was for everybody, so I think I’ll try to participate today.
I use to be a good kid. I believed the things adults told me. I went to church, I read the Bible, I was mature well beyond my years. Than in 3rd grade they told me the truth about the world: Santa didn’t exist. So these dirt bag MFers you call parents lied to me in an effort to get me to behave and I fell for it. I decided I was never going to fall for the gaffle again. I’m not taking your word for it, show me evidence. If not, I’m not going to waste my time , and just enjoy what is in front of me.
My mother forced jesus down my throat, like most haitians. I played the part suppressing my feelings and thoughts for the better part of 18 years (complete religious persecution!). I was forced to go Mass till 12. However, I was smart enough to go to Mass at a different time than her, than sneak away to play basketball for an hour. Eventually I went to a Catholic Jr HS and HS. More religious persecution, more forced indoctrination and more faking on my part. I don’t know how those Brother or my mother could live with themselves. It was either play the part or no food. Pretend you believe or you don’t pass on to the next grade. Dentention is not a tool for conversion. I felt violated with all the brainwashing propaganda. Whatever.. I’m on a tangent. I just don’t see how you can preach to me about free will when my life source (mother) is pressuring me to obey.
So when I was free to live how I wished, amongst friend, I lived without sin. I lived without regret. I made my own moral code, based off trial and error and being practical . I preached my own sermon to anyone that would listen. I was open and I learned s o much during this time in my life. I found other teens who questioned their faith and we taught each other and developed incredible bonds that exist today, even if they fell back into christian belief. People generally loved my company, insights, and intellect. I respected people, but I had no respect for faith. Whether or not you believed in Christ was your problem. As long as you were down for the debauchery, you could roll with me. I gave better advice than most Pastors. Than to prove a point to people, I tore myself down….
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Glad to see you contribute today fam!
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Joey loves JC & SJ Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 4:26 pm
I will say Cheekz, I think (MOST) Christian schools are a joke. My niece went to one while she was living with me, and I used to coach vball & sball for that school. The whole system was garbage. I would help her with homework that I did in the 6th grade when she was in 10th. She got detention/suspension for the dumbest stuff, like dying her hair red, and got asked to leave basketball games if her jeans were too tight (it’s hard for jeans not to be tight on her enormous @$$). She ended up getting kicked off the softball team for sending her boyfriend pics of herself in her skinnies (and the teacher had confiscated his cellphone for having it in class and then proceeded to look through it) and she finally got expelled for posting similar pics on myspace. I’m not saying she wasn’t wrong trying to act all grown, but the school has no place in kid’s personal lives.
Anyway, it made me so mad cuz at first when she started living with me, she had changed her whole life around. I had been taking her to church and she got saved like on her own will. She stopped acting scandalous, doing drugs, drinking, and really started to turn her life around. Then her parents wanted to put her in that school, and I feel like it progressively went downhill from there. Something about Christian schools just brings the devil out of otherwise decent kids. It’s a sham.
So I can see how the background you have would give you some of the perspectives you have…
I missed you, Sanchito.
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“Than to prove a point to people, I tore myself down….”
Your whole comment was like wow (not in a bad way) but THIS caught me…’Splain please?
*EDIT* DANGIT!! This was meant for CHeekz!
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CHeeKZ Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
lol.. I see you Smiley.
But sorry… you gotta wait for Slim to drop part two.
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Smiley Face Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
*pouting and crossing arms*…fine!
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People are writing addendums to the Good Book today so I’ll make it brief.
I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic School most of my life and during that time I saw faults between what was written in the Bible and execution of the Church as a child. Then I hit high school and saw the hypocrisy of the priests and brothers that were supposed to be God’s shepherds here on Earth. You know what I’m talking about Cheekz.
In College I had the same experiences with the Church goers that Slim mentioned in his post. Weren’t you leaving my party with [...] & now you’re telling me about how I need Jesus. Ha!
I went to a “Black Church” at some point as an adolescent and looked at my father (biological, no capitalization) with a glare that asked, “Are they serious?” Too extra for me.
So like Slim here I’m on the voyage. Have been for awhile. And the further I search, the more I realize Christianity may not be for me.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 3:06 pm
“You know what I’m talking about Cheekz. ”
Say no more…
Once you become skeptical of the men of cloth, you begin to analyze everything with a negative slope.
You are not telling me something to save my soul, its all an attempt to curb a behavior.
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Satya Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
I feel you Seattle about the voyage. I’m not oging to say Christianity isn’t for me but i’m definitely on a journey and I seem to be chilling with Hinduism
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Soooo I’m late. Here’s my two cents worth.
I absolutely HATE being a PK! Now that’s off my chest.
I grew up in Baptist churches. There was no escaping it. My daddy, several uncles and cousins are pastors. So was my grandaddy, great granddady and great granddady. Church is all I know. You have no choice about going to church in my parents’ house(and I’m 25). I joke with my parents that I’m going to start a church consulting business (grow your membership from 10 to 1,000 in a year).
Most of my memories have something to do with church. Getting baptized, going to Vacation Bible School each summer, singing in the youth choir, church conventions, and so on.
Even though I was in church 247 I never disliked it. I just can’t take some of the people in it. People will turn you off from church real quick. But that has never been enough to keep me from going. My break from church was merely because of laziness.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
January 7th, 2010 at 3:27 pm
“I joke with my parents that I’m going to start a church consulting business (grow your membership from 10 to 1,000 in a year).”
I guffawed at my desk. Had to close my web browser as a result.
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I’m late but oh well, I like the topic and wanted to add my experience as well.
I like most commenters grew up in the church. When I lived with my maternal grandmother we went to Pentecostal church (in the Islands), it was awfully strict. No jewelry, no relaxers, no pants, just rules upon rules, today I don’t remember much else because I only went to that church up until I was 5. I know I didn’t like it.
I would spend summers with my father and that side of my family was SDA (Seventh Day Adventist). After I moved at age 5, I only went to SDA church, again my experience was filled with rules and restrictions. Obeying the Sabbath (Friday sun down to Saturday sun down), no pork, no shellfish, no crabs, ect. Practicing SDA turned out to be very enjoyable for me while I was young, I had a large family so on Friday nights we would have worship in the living room, go to church on Saturday, have a big lunch after church and enjoy family time. We also held nightly family worships on random nights.
I really never questioned church as a young child but stopped going to SDA church when I was 10, so I probably wasn’t at the questioning age. After 10 I moved again and have only been back to church a few times, mostly because the family I lived with didn’t go.
Along the way I’ve always held on to my faith by reading the bible and praying. Eventually I started researching the SDA denomination and decided I didn’t agree with some of the underlying doctrines (just SDA not Christianity). I have actually been researching different denominations in the last few years, trying to find a good fit.
Great topic, I will be back for parts II and III.
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This joint is speaking to me! I was raised in the church. I went ’cause I had too! I was listening to the messages that were sent though. I am so glad my mother insisted we go to church. Babyyy, if it weren’t for that foundation and going thru some things I have been thru over the last five years or so….when you are at rock bottom and don’t have nowhere to turn, then you finally get it…..I look forward to more on this topic.
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Was raised … hmm, started out going to a Lutheran Bible Study, then a Baptist Church when my stepfather got to make decisions about sundays. Fell outta church from high school until my junior year in college. Spotty church attendance, but always believed in God and intermittently worked on my relationship with Him.
It’s funny to me because I have never really liked church (or churchgoers), but I have always known that God is there, and that he is GOD. I’ve struggled in understanding HIm, the Bible, and all that, but I’ve never NOT believed. I am glad, however, that I was saved before I started going to church as an adult because the people who claimed to be Christians that I’ve met would have made me lose my faith.
The thing that has helped me the most, when I struggle with understanding how to be a Christian, is that it is about relationship with God, about loving yourself and loving others, and making good decisions for your life. All the formal things come secondary to that.
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Very good read, slim!
I know this is late, but I was raised both Islamic and baptist.
Being raised between two religions you see the hypocrisy in both. Growing up as a muslim, I was told by children and grown ups that I was going to hell because I had never been “saved” and declared Jesus my lord and savior while at the same time seeing them do things far worse in my eyes.
I have had muslims ridicule the christian beliefs in much the same manner….
It always seemed that with every religion you have to believe that “your” truth (or religious doctrine) is the only truth. That has always bothered me even as a child.
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Late on commenting and adding my story so I just want to say that I am looking forward to reading more of this series.
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This is a great series! I’m excited to read it and more excited that you are sharing. kudos.
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I look forward to reading more about this. My experience in church was: I went. No choice. My parents didn’t go (unless it was an occasion) but I was ready every Sunday morning when she blew the horn to pick me and my little brother up.
I was always a shy child and at church, I was forced to not be one… so it was extremely uncomfortable. My earliest, most deepest memory was of the pastor, who would question you in front of the church, like you’d slain Jesus yourself, if you had not been baptized. Like he seriously made all the unbaptized people stand up. That’s really the only thing that bothered me, feeling like you were at a trial. I never considered hypocrites or that whole argument because well, you have them everywhere.
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I’m definitely interested in reading more about this journey. I had a similar upbringing; I even went to an elementary school run by my church. I was literally in the church building 6 days a week.
I never truly understood HOW the things I was taught could happen. I always questioned, always sought reason, and was only told “Just Because”. I knew from a very young age I lacked faith and resigned myself to it early.
The first big question I had was the creation story. Like, really? All us black folk came from two lil old white poeple….My biology book says thats impossible…..Oh! I don’t have faith.
Fast forward 5 years, and I’m in Catholic school attending a Fundementalist NonDenominational church. They practiced the “scare you to death” method of teaching Christianity. So not only am I learning that my Protestant (Baptist) background is wrong in school, but I’m learning that the ankh pendant I wore in the early 90′s would send me straight to hell.
Let’s see….I’d be here all night typing if I was to detail all the things I’ve learned in my life – not just about MY childhood religion, but many others I’ve studied in the search for faith. I’m still searching, but now under my own terms.
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Great topic! Glad to see the honesty in the place…and glad to see up and running again.
I would definitely classify myself to be on the ones that was 100% up in the mix from day one. My parents raised me and my younger sister in the church. I sang in the choir, was on the usher board, participated in every play, service, ceremony, whatever. I even remember getting “saved” (I’ll explain the quotes in a bit) at the age of seven at a youth retreat. It felt like one of the most amazing points of my life…at that point.
I enjoyed everything I did in church, which is what kept me in church. Even when my parents stopped going every single Sunday and to every single service, I would hop on the metro (shoutout to the DMV) and go by myself. That’s how much I loved to go. HOWEVER, I was going for the social aspect and for the music. I didn’t realize it, but I was not growing in my relationship with God like I probably could have. I didn’t read the Bible, didn’t pray outside of saying grace. It just wasn’t happening.
When I got to college, my notions of church and Christianity were challenged through the way others who identified the way I do lived their lives (does that make sense? I began to think that maybe all those years of being in church and learning how to live as a Christian were all wrong or at the least could be modified depending on how I wanted to do things.
Nonetheless, issues in college (academics, money, relationships, depression) caused me to grow and develop a true personal relationship with Christ. Without typing too much more, I will say that since then I have always felt better about life. While it may not always be better, I feel better knowing where I can turn.
Really looking forward to parts 2 & 3!
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