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Forgive and Forget?
The Americans have lots of sayings, one which goes something like “Patience is a virtue”. Rumor has that there are other virtues out there that people should strive for that will make them…virtuous. Among one of these virtuous qualities is forgiveness. To forgive someone is viewed as one of the most selfless and self sacrificial acts one person can make towards another. One of the things many people predicate their spirituality on is their ability to forgive their fellow man for their trespasses. The Bible says that you should forgive someone 70 x 7 times for one act. Like really Jesus….490 times? The n*gg tried to kill my fathaaa!
Some people can forgive easily and move on from things quickly. Then there are other folks out there that hold grudges like a second string O lineman trying to stop Dwight Freeney. Some things are just hard to let go. You can always forgive a certain things, but you’ll definitely make a mental note ::: Junebug never bothered to pay me back. It’s cool…I’ll never lend him money again::: which makes the forget part of the equation even harder to deal with. And how ’bout we stop lending someone named Junebug substantial amounts of currency. Thanks.
I’ve been wrestling with the “How to Forgive” question for a hot minute now. I was even given a book by a former co-worker who thought it might help me figure out, ’cause I have a couple major beefs. First, when I was about 15 a fellow student tried to take my life on some Columbine ish. Not exactly the best way to start the spring semester of your HS sophomore year. According to the assholes I chill with my friends, I have a bit of an anger issue, (which would not flare up if they didn’t piss me off) so needless to say I was pretty hot under the collar for a few years afterwards. Still rather salty about it today. But on the flip side, I survived the ordeal, graduated from the same high school with honors, and have been stuntin’ clean ever since. Having been through that type of adversity at an early age gave me some of the testicular fortitude to do much of what I have been able to accomplish thus far. So maybe I should let it go right?
My second major beef is with the lowdown bloodcleet rat bastard summamab*tch that puts his hands on one of my loved ones. If Laila Ali starts swinging on you, I’d let it slide if you slid her one good time (if you can!). But if you’re losing an argument with a female and you decide out of ignorance to black her eye or knock out her teeth, I have absolutely no respect for you. (Looking at you, CB.) In addition to laying hands to her, he’s done all kinds of random badminded ish to her, he’s moved in with other women, turned her kids against her, called her everything under the sun, and so on. But it’s one of those deals where she keeps forgiving him and going back to him. Me, on the other hand would love nothing better than to strike down upon this motherf*cker with great wrath and terrible fury. The legal department has actually advised me not to exactly state how I would exact my wrath. But it would not be nice. A few months ago, I went to a family gathering and they were there together putting up the happy couple front. I was so tight I had to excuse myself from the house, then was punked “spoken to” by Mom dukes and the relative in question, so I could calm down, cuz apparently I have anger issues, or as we say around the way “get vex quick”. And while I’m standing there ready to explode patiently listening, it hit me…she’s forgiving him, why am I pissed? So maybe I should let it go right?
Needless to say, I still haven’t figured it out. Since I’m still alive, I should be thankful that I’m still alive and fully functioning. But on the other hand, I still have a bullet in my chest that I always have to explain when I take X-rays and scars that are horrible blemishes on what is otherwise the body of an Adonis. (Cocky, I know.) And maybe if the person that has actually been the victim of domestic violence can look past it, I should to. But I’m still human damn it. So what do y’all think, is forgiving and forgetting always doable, or was Jesus sippin’ on that wine he just made out of water? Like really dude…490 times?
Gettin’ closer,
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Really great post, it started off on a philosophical note and I thought, “A serious RCLS? So versatile of a writer? I like it!”
…aaaaaaand then I read this:
“The Bible says that you should forgive someone 70 x 7 times for one act. Like really Jesus….490 times?”
…aaaaand this:
“If Laila Ali starts swinging on you, I’d let it slide if you slid her one good time (if you can!)”
By this point I was scrolling with one hand & holding my inhaler in the other. I concluded that I can’t take this seriously, and honestly, that’s okay. Some things just aren’t THAT serious, there’s no need to forgive & forget because the grudge should never have been held in the first place. But my vote is that people can always forgive because time heals everything, and only when we forgive can we really move forward. Why am I introspecting at 12:13 am? I don’t know, but you just gave me a lot to think about before I go to bed.
Nice work, RCLS.
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Ali Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 12:54 am
“But my vote is that people can always forgive because time heals everything” – Time doesn’t heal everything.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 7:46 am
This post was enough to get me out of hiding. I’m also a believer that time doesn’t heal everything. I’ve been known to hold grudges and there are people I still don’t forgive for things they did. In my mind, some things are just unacceptable and I’m more likely to forget them than to forgive them.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 8:27 am
“In my mind, some things are just unacceptable and I’m more likely to forget them than to forgive them.”
Very true…I can’t knock you for that one.
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Chucklee Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 8:58 am
I read, and have re-read, this book by Ayanla Vanzant called In the Meantime and it offers some really great insight on forgiveness.
The premise of the book is that only when we become at peace with ourselves can we then be at peace with everything around us. Forgiveness is hard to come by because it starts with forgiving yourself and THEN forgiving the other person, most of the time we don’t want to deal with all our “stuff” and it’s easier to focus on the other person’s “stuff.” One of my favorite lines from the book is, “We love in others what we love in ourselves, and we despise in others what we cannot yet see in ourselves.” And that is the quintessential story of everyone’s life.
I believe we’re attracted to people who bring out the best in us, but you’ll find that we start disliking them when they bring out the worst in us. Forgiving them with their shortcomings starts with forgiving ourselves with our shortcomings. Forgiveness is not about being able to do dinner and a movie with your ex, it’s about being at peace with him or her so YOU can move forward with your life. I’m definitely not “holier than thou,” just know that I’ve been through it. I’ve had to forgive some really, really ugly people and this book makes the journey a lot easier.
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It’s a bit late for me so forgive me if what I’m writing makes no sense, in my mind..it does! Anyway I digress…
For some reason this post made me think of that quote that Einstein (I believe) said about insanity…i.e. doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I’m with you on the whole complicated-ness of the whole “forgive and forget” notion, however, (bringing in the link to my little insanity quote up above) when you forgive and forget…how much is TOO much?
Ex. I get married and my husband cheats on me. We go to counseling, I forgive him, we work it out, I forget and we are a happy couple…and then it happens again. Repeat cycle. I think it essentially comes down to a personal decision as to when someone wants to stop forgiving and forgetting what someone does. Mind you, I do understand that the situation I am talking about is “forgive and forget” with one person, not throughout our lives.
I can’t speak on your high school experience, but referencing the abuse… I know that if anyone put their hands on one of my loved ones I would have a hard time forgiving them as well. Granted you do make a good point about “she forgave him so why can’t you” but how many times will she (or can she) forgive and forget his violence against her before it becomes too much?
Maybe I am being too specific, I don’t know, but I guess what I’m trying to say is it depends on the situation.
There may be times that I can forgive and forget, however (I guess I will speak to your high school experience) if anyone tried to take my life, maybe…MAYBE I would be able to forgive them (Idk because it’s never happened) but I know that I would never forget it, or them.
Lastly, Good post!
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I remember this post from a couple of months ago. I think I may have mentioned that I have a problem with true forgiveness. For me this has to do with equating forgiveness with letting that person back into my life.
I’m learning that forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to let that person back into my life. Forgiving the action doesn’t mean I forget nor does it mean the person and I will be friends again. It just means that I’m no longer vexed by it and can move on accordingly.
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But on the other hand, I still have a bullet in my chest that I always have to explain when I take X-rays and scars that are horrible blemishes on what is otherwise the body of an Adonis.
^^^My body isn’t amazing or anything but i have hardware in my left ankle so i understand the sentiment & having to constantly explain the scars.
I’m bad at forgiving & forgetting…if you messed me over or someone i love or did something that would cause me to feel a certain way, i hold on to those thoughts. If i have forgiven, i NEVER forget (but i’m a grudge holder so it takes a lot to get me to forgive). It has taken MANY years for me to somewhat forgive my father but i’ll never forget everything he’s done to me & my mom (my mom has forgiven him). You care deeply for your family member and its understandable, you don’t want them to hurt but at times, they forgive a lot easier than the people that have seen them guy & physically in pain.
This was a great post & it spoke to who & how i am.
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You forgive for yourself…never for the other person. It helps you to move forward. I have forgiven the most heinous of offenses..and I am better for it.
As far as someone trying to take your life..they tried but they didn’t succeed…consider yourself blessed.
As far as the domestic situation…don’t forgive that. I could see if if had stopped and he was in counseling or making strides to change his behaviore…maybe, then forgive..but, as you wrote it, you never suggested that..seems like its still ongoing. Don’t turn a blind eye to that one…definitely keep your cool..but definitely keep an eye on that dude…that is really all you can do. Or you can approach him about it.
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“Like really Jesus… 490 times?”
#DoNotResurrect
I can forgive and forget pretty much *almost* everything and move on completely.
The only thing I will never forgive nor forget is that portion of my past where I became a statistic because of Domestic Violence. How can someone forgive and forget he who says they love you put hands on you and try to kill you, not once but several times? You can’t. You move on. You learn from it. But I haven’t forgotten and definitely haven’t forgiven, and I won’t.
Amazing post!
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Ali Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 4:05 am
” How can someone forgive and forget he who says they love you put hands on you and try to kill you, not once but several times? You can’t. You move on.”
I think this can also apply to those that believe childhood abuse/childhood teasing is something one should get over even though it affects so much of who one is an adult.
How does one get over a parent saying “I love you, but sometimes you get on my nerves.” or “You must want me to slap you!”
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As far as the Domestic situation goes I completely understand.
I used to cry myself to sleep trying to figure out why the hell would anyone go back to an abusive partner?
But as I grew up I figured out that just because I wanted them to stop seeing this dirty rat bastard didn’t mean they were going to. Everyone has to live they’re own lives regardless of what you want them to do.
I don’t think you can really forgive that as much as just having to realize that the abuser and sometimes the abused are sick.
My sister still deals with the guy who has done some of the lowest things to her. But I can’t let that cause my blood pressure to rise, it’s not affecting him at all(although a nice sledgehammer to the back of his neck might) You have to live and let live. I don’t know if thats the same as “forgiving”.
Just my thoughts on it.
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I’m in a situation ryt now where i had a thing with a friend and it turns out he lied to me abt being single, i had told him i dont mess with other pple’s men , so when i found out he wasnt single i was pretty tickd off..not to mention that toward the end of the ‘fling’ he started treating me like shyt and at some point, after i found out abt the gf, i walked away but still ended up receiving hate mail on facebook from his gf…
I’m tryna forgive him coz we have mutual friends so it makes things awkward when we meet at parties but I’m still angry, i think the hate mail from her made it worse..i honestly had no idea they wer together…i cant forget what happened..but at the same time, i find that i cant move on while i’m still angry…i’m not sure forgiveness is gona be possible here….
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Great post homie,
I remember when you showed me the few bullets back in our collegiate days the ones that were able to be retrieved. Crazy!
Similar to wisdom, the ability to forgive is not an easily acquired virtue only because no one wants to be taken for a ride. One thing I find very disturbing is that when an offender apologizes and feels they should be automatically forgiven once they have admitted to their fault. It’s almost like a forgiveness is an entitlement and should be granted.
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Spooky! I am getting off work in an hour and I write quotes for my day time crew to enjoy. The quote of the day is about forgiveness. I was reading this post and was seriously freaked the hell out, lol.
“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” -Sarah Paddison
I think this was an important quote to leave because the biggest lesson I have learned is that you can’t change people, you can only change the way you react to them [this more so with the domestic violence family issue] You want her to stop letting him beat on her but you can’t make her do what you want. You are angry because it’s going on and you can’t stop it. Even if you went to beat this guy to an unrecognizable mass, she would probably be at his bed side nursing him back to health. She allows him to treat her this way and she is going to have to be the one to bring herself out of it.
Here hoping you find peace with both situations
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We all need to forgive but I aint forgetting a damn thing. You hit my sister/cousin/home girl? I forgive you once, maybe even twice but dont think you gonna keep getting away w/ that BS. FOHWTBS.
I can only turn the other cheek so many times before I really turn the other cheek and whip yo arse
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A.Smith Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 10:28 am
co-sign
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fixedwater Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
THIS^^^^ the bible doesn’t say a thing about forgetting, and I highly discourage forgetting. It’s not wise some would say downright foolish. The trick is to learn from events in our lives, so I say forgive to free yourself of the control it holds over you, but remember how and why and what happened. Never forget!
“And while I’m standing there ready to explode patiently listening, it hit me…she’s forgiving him, why am I pissed? So maybe I should let it go right?”
Regarding this I know just how you feel, but like you said she forgave him. I’d say that the only reason this is hard for you is because you weren’t the one apologized to and placated with whatever bs that worked on her. The trick here is to not make it your issue in the first place, unless of course you were asked to defend her. But you have to know how to advise without making it your problem. Because obviously it makes you look like that @$$hole when you get all tight. <<<<I'm still learning how to do this myself – I'm a Scorpio and we can hold a grudge as if life itself depended on it.
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my dude,
i’d have a real hard time trying to forgive someone that tried to take me life. I’m not sure that I could. In terms of someone beating a loved one that’s hard also but not as hard. Both easier said than done. The fact that you are talking about it is a good thing and probably means you are close to forgiving but not forgetting.
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I actually think I forgive too easily.
I don’t forget sh*t. Hayell nawl.
But I’ll forgive you — whether you ask for it or not. I just can’t have all that on my spirit. It gets on my nerves and makes me angry and I hold anger in so… basically I’m just a ball of fire waiting to explode on anything and that’s not a good look.
Having said all that, don’t think you’re gonna get forgiven for the same ish over and over. You get one time. The end. Mess up again and… well, just don’t do it.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 11:16 am
“I just can’t have all that on my spirit.”
This is soooo true! I forgive everything b/c I can’t stay angry and not let it affect me. I don’t want to be walking around and be that chick who is just nasty for no reason so I let it go and let god handle it. I have a terrible memory so I tend to forget also. LOL But seriouslsy, when you let your anger towards another person eat at you, it’s just like letting that other person continue to get to you….so while it can be hard learn to let it go.
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A.Smith Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 11:24 am
I told a friend who was mad at something that happened in high school to stop, think and tell me if she thought the person she was mad at damn near a decade later even REMEMBERED what they did.
At a certain point, you’re pissing yourself off and that’s just dumb.
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Forgive and forget? How about “forgive and never forget so you can’t be caught out there again?” Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 11:14 am
co-sign!
“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
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Forgiveness should be about you, not the person you are forgiving. Letting go of something that has bothered you or hurt you is a form of self preservation.
As long as you hold on to the wrong, hurt and/or pain, that person is controlling you in some way.
It’s difficult sometimes to forgive “unforgivable” actions; however, it may help if you don’t see forgiveness as condoning said “unforgivable” actions.
With that in mind, it’s the “repeated forgiver” who may now be condoning the behavior; albeit, perhaps unconsciously.
Still, forgiveness is not an easy “emotion”/ action. Especially, when we want that person to be remorseful, better themselves etc….
But, forgiveness does not let people off the hook for their actions. Rather, it let’s you off the hook from allowing their actions/inaction from controlling you’re behavior.
Forgive & let go…
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I’ve spoken before about my sister’s father (who was abusive and the catalyst to our being in foster care and sustaining much worse abuses), he’s just one of the people I’ve had to learn to forgive in my life. I’ve seen what holding on to that anger does to a person and frankly, it has no effect on the offender most of the time. While I’ve never been shot, I’ve definitely had some serious ish to forgive others for (on some Lifetime movie ish, even). I’ve also had to deal with your second issue, as one of my sisters used to be in an abusive relationship, and another one still is. I haven’t necessarily forgiven either of those men (fathers to my nieces and nephew), but I can’t carry that resentment towards them around with me, it’s too heavy. What’s that saying? “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” and I’m not very fond of the taste of poison.
I’ll never forget any of it (you live and learn, and then get Luvs), but it all made me into the person I am today, and frankly I like that person. I just don’t have the energy to carry a grudge. *shrugs*
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fixedwater Reply:
August 11th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die” and I’m not very fond of the taste of poison.
^^^cosign.
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So there are people in my life who have done things that I can never forgive or forget but have learned to get past. I have accepted that the person will always be a selfish a**hole. I can’t change them but will not let them bring negativity in my life. We often forgive people because we expect something to change and become disappointed/angry when they don’t. Lesson learned, expect nothing from anyone except my mama. I don’t forgive, I cut you off or look at you side eyed and treat you accordingly.
I know your are suppose to be there when your friends and family need to vent, but I have rule: don’t tell me anything you’re willing to forgive as I also have temper issues. If you choose to have this person in your life and want me to be cordial around them you need to stop giving me reasons to despise them, especially when you tell me it’s your life not mine.
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I’ll forgive, but forget? Nah…
Matter of fact, people say that I remember too much. Just don’t cross me and we’ll be cool..
Yeah, Jesus did say 490 times. I think it’s because no one person can offend you that many times in the course of your life, yet we’ll ask for God’s forgiveness possibly that many times (and more) over the course of our lives.
If He’s not withholding forgiveness from me, then I can’t hold it from anyone else (I’m not supposed to anyway)
It took a while for me to realize that unforgiveness hurts me more than the person that offended me. So I have to let it go in order to move forward.
But there’s not a way in HAYLE that I’m gonna forget what you did. God forgives, but He didn’t mention anything about there not being consequences to the action. I think everyone is always on some “you forgave me, why are you still punishing me?” type ish. And I’m like, “my yout, yu stick yu rod inna di whomon wha ave bwoyfren.. and yu ack like yu nuh ave girlfren!” you d*mn right s*x is off the market!!
you know.. little things like that…
lol.. peace and love, Nick
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This post is so on-time. Great topic RCLS.
Forgiveness has been a recurring theme in my life. I am a very loyal person, so I tend to say “fagetaboutit” over things that are inconsequential to me (but perhaps, deal-breakers for others). Over my life, I have found that “loyalty” to other people is NOT the same loyalty in my book. This has caused me, on more than a few occasions, to feel slighted, disrespected, and my all-time hated, taken advantage of.
My first response to these feelings is to say “f*ck that n!gga,” but over time, I have learned that I, along with many others, interpret some actions for or against me along the yardstick of my past, fears, etc.
Okay, on to forgivness. I say all that to say that sometimes, they didn’t really do what you thought they did and you gotta let it go. Sometimes, they did exactly what the h*ll you think they did, and you must decide whether beefing is worth all the drama, energy, missed opportunities, etc. it will bring.
This for me is the key to forgiveness. I have too much potential, too many goals and plans, too many blessings, to waste my time thinking about you, talking about you, plotting your bloody demise, etc. I need to be talking to folks about a job, not about you and whatever you did.
So, forgive 490 times? Yep! Cause I don’t have time to play with your foolishness. Cut ‘em out and move on.
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