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What About Your Friends?
Once upon a time, I was “dating” (I’m still not sure I know what that word means) this guy. We had known each other for about a year, and eventually tried the exclusive thing. Or so I thought. This dude had been around my friends and played the boo part role quite well to the public. But there was something in my gut that told me not to buy into his act just yet.
While I felt conflicted by feeling like I shouldn’t fully trust this man, my friends didn’t see my reasons for doubting. As a result, I had this constant back and forth battle, weighing what my friends thought against what I thought and felt. At times, I undercut myself in favor of the show he put on, and what my friends had to say.
At the end of day, my intuition was right. He was a shady kane twirling dude who was doing his share of dirt whilst we were seeing each other, and ended up being what I expected him to be: immature and dishonest. Thankfully, I listened to my gut, and resisted making a large emotional investment. While I considered what my friends said, I’m glad I didn’t listen to them on this one.
What about your friends?
There seems to be something about some women that causes us to lean on and listen to our friends. And this can often prove very useful. There are times when you need the opinion of others because your vision has been clouded by something. I know that I have had to listen to the homies because I was too smitten to see what was right in front of me. But…
You knew there’d be a but. Sometimes turning to the thoughts, feelings, and contributions of your home girls can become too much. Especially when there is a conflict between what they are saying, what you observe about your relationship, and what your intuition is saying. Without a doubt, your friends have your best interest at heart, but sometimes it can interfere with your own good judgment and create a mess in your relationship that you will be left to clean up on your own.
Sometimes, you gotta keep things to yourself.
Some women also seem to have the urge to tell their home girls all the ins and outs of their relationships. Back in the day when I was young, I’m not a kid anymore, I felt the need to run just about everything about my relationship by my girls. As we all got older, we began to see the issue with this approach. Its not that we think our friends don’t want what’s best for us, but its usually better not to have people in the know about every little thing that happens in your relationship. Unfortunately, this creates the space for other people to dictate what should or shouldn’t be happening between you and your boo.
I know that men hate this too. It’s one of the biggest things my male friends hate: ”Well, Tisha said that…” or “When I spoke to Shanice, she thought we…” I know that if a man came to me like on some “Well Seattle thinks you are…” I too would be a little peeved. This is not to say that you shouldn’t seek out help where you need it, but consistently sharing your business with other people brings too many people into your relationship. Unless you’re down with the ménage à trois, I’m thinking this is not what’s up.
So what about your friends? Fellas and ladies, have you ever found yourself turning to your friends about your relationship woes? Has that ever come back to screw you haunt you? How much weight do place on what your friends think or say? How do you feel about friends being all in the mix? Do tell. Its okay. You can tell me that you don’t like your boo’s friends.
Miss – That’s between me and the boo - Jenkins
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38 Responses to “What About Your Friends?”
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First! Pladow! How ya like me now?!
Yes, I, too, have grown out of telling all the girls everything. There’s really only one person I share things with (not everything), and we operate similarly—so when my judgment is clouded, she’s able to bring me out. I think you do need that one impartial friend who will be real with you and tell you when you OD’d but will also be sensitive to your perspective on a situation.
I think the issue with friends being “in the know” boggles down to your initial reasoning. Are you going for genuine clarity or simply validation? If it’s the latter, there’s a problem. Being on the other side of the spectrum, your friend has to assume that you’re giving the whole truth, sans sugarcoating. Of course, there’s always two perspectives on a situation, but there’s only so much valid insight a friend can give without knowing the other side/perspective, too—no matter how clear the situation may seem.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 1:19 am
“Are you going for genuine clarity or simply validation?”
Excellent question. The two definitely will lead you to different people and different results.
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A nupe? You’re on probation.
I usually make my own decisions without talking to my squad first. For the simple fact that most of my boys are single and will give me the advice the best allows me to remain as an eligible wingman. The people I trust that are married have either been married forever and will tell me to run for the hills or just got married and are just too luvvy duvvy to take seriously. Long before I ended up being a solo, I had a series of events occur in my life that led me to realize that I’m the only man that can walk in my shoes and the only one that can make the decision with the help of Jah of course. I usually wait to consult the braintrust until sh*t already stinks to high hell. I just consult them to make that’s sh*t I’m smelling and not my upper lip. I have a very liberal minded trust, but I know if sh*t gets crazy they’ll let me know immediately. So always trust your gut. Unless it tells you dating a nupe is a good idea. If that happens, take some pepto bismol.
You are soooooo on probation.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 1:18 am
I guess I asked for that one. But thankfully, I came to my senses.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 8:53 am
You need to leave those Greeks alone and get with those real mature black men…. GangBangers!
Soooowooooop
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Where are these men you speak of??? Show me the way!
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I believe as one gets older, you learn not to confide in your friends about every thing.
One of my girls would tell me all the bad things her man did and then would get upset with me if I was nasty to him.. well, what do u expect? All I here are the bad things. This, ultimately, ended our friendship.
I have one friend that I know I can talk to if there is ever an issue because I know she will tell it like it is… she’ll put me in my place.
I’ve done it in the past and regretted it bc the majority of my friends are yesmen when it comes to me. I guess they think I always have it together bc I seem to be, but I make mistakes too (*gasp*)
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ASmith Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:02 am
I tell my girl friends all the time — you only want to whine about him to me, failing to ever mention the good stuff he does and then you’re confused about why I have a less than stellar opinon of him.
Not only must we be careful how much we tell our friends, but also what we tell them. Or at least not get pissy when they don’t love ‘em like we do.
Quite frankly, I’ve never been one to want to tell people a lot of my business, but even still, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to dial down what I’m telling even my closest friends; sometimes you just need to make your ow decisions without input.
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
“Not only must we be careful how much we tell our friends, but also what we tell them. Or at least not get pissy when they don’t love ‘em like we do.”
Exactly.. I’m pretty private too. I just don’t want people having that much insight on my actions. That only gives them the material to gossip with IMHO.
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I’ve never been one to ‘run tell dat’ to my girls about relationship matters. I’ve always been like that. It has to be something I just can’t wrap my mind around before I even consider it but that’s just because I’m very private and trust my gut over words. We all sit around and talk and all that good stuff but when my spidey sense starts tingling I tend to look within for the answer. If you’re not sleeping with me, you can’t help me solve the problem. I can get reaaaal salty if people are in my business when I haven’t put them there, lol.
Now on the flip side I’m always doling out advice, lol! Which is funny because I’m the youngest in the group…my ladies are all 12-15 years older that me and they’re always asking me stuff…well the single ones anyway.
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As you know Ms. Jenkins, I am prone to utilizing certain advice or consultation services of select (female) friends. I’ve let a couple of the fellas be in the loop when I’m at a crux just to get their perspective to see if I’m buggin, and they’ve never led me astray. I think the issue comes when you only share a lot of the negative details with your peoples. As is the case with most things, it’s easier to talk about the bad than it is to talk about the positive unless it’s extremely positive.
At the end of the day, I’ma do what I wanna do regardless of what the friends say…unless I genuinely didn’t know what to do and they provided some bomb arse advice.lol.
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About a year before I met my boo I actually listened to something my brother told me and took it to heart: I was upset because my older cousin said something nasty to me about my dating potential. My feelings were a little hurt, and I told my bro. His comment was, “Isn’t she 35 and still single? What are you listening to her for?” For some reason that one statement put a lot into perspective for me. I sought out a different group of people for advice: married and happily boo’d up people. They were already in my life as friends or good co-workers, but I wasn’t using them as a resource and that was dumb of me. I knew I wanted to be married, so why was I taking advice from the single crew? That’s like saying I want to be the VP of Marketing at my company and strategizing with the kids in the copy room.
Another downturn of taking advice from your friends is that, while they generally have your best interest at heart, women can be catty. If they’re feeling down/unpretty/bloated – they may unwittingly give you advice to make you feel the same.
P.S. – My brother’s statement is why I love talking to guys as well – they spit the painful truth with no chaser.
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ASmith Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:06 am
Co-sign on your post — especially the P.S.
I will go to my BFF (male) first, and not just because he’s my BFF but because he’ll keep it simple, short and blunt which is always what I need. If I let my girls gas me up before I talk to him, the fall back to Earth always hurts. If I talk to him first and get the truth, then I can weed through all the fluff females like to put on stuff (trying to make it not hurt…) and hear what, if anything, can be helpful.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
Married folks bring a whole different perspective to the table. How they interpret a relationship is drastically different than some ol single cats.lol.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
“I sought out a different group of people for advice: married and happily boo’d up people.”
I find this line funny.. b/c Superhead was on the EdLover show with her new tell all book about how to get a man and keep him.
Ironic.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Couldn’t agree more.
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I agree with Nyela and Nicki, as you get older and wiser you do realize its not necessary to tell your friends every bit of inner working or conflict in your relationship. I know for me personally I started to see how repeating a story over and over to multiple friends became tiring–and hearing their varied opinions was not necessary for me to do what I needed to do. And to be honest some friends just don’t have good advice. not really their fault, but they just may not have anything of value to add.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 9:25 pm
“I know for me personally I started to see how repeating a story over and over to multiple friends became tiring–and hearing their varied opinions was not necessary for me to do what I needed to do.”
So on point…
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I’ve learned to keep details of my relationship to myself. If for instance, I’m mad at him; I shouldn’t be mouthing off to my friends because more than likely, I’ll get over it and then my friends are still harboring ill feelings because of the words I said (which may not be valid since I said them during times of distress).
Now I will talk to friends when I need an honest third eye on a situation because sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it for what it is.
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“He was a shady
kane twirling dudewho was doing his share of dirt whilst we were seeing each other, and ended up being what I expected him to be: immature and dishonest.”::really hoping we didn’t date the same dude, but those men date each other so…ahhh shit::
Fortunately I’ve always had friends who tell me the truth even when it hurts, and it usually does. They weren’t always right, but they were reasonable and logical. I think those are the kind of people you should turn to: the ones who don’t care to be right, the just want to see you make sense of whatever situation.
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If you need so much advice.. aren’t you an idiot? You can’t do anything by yourself? Why do you need someone to tell you what to do? Your dumb ass can’t tell what is right and wrong? Think about it, when you are done thinking do it.
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ASmith Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
…. and that’s that bluntness I’m talking about. Men are really good at that.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 11:29 am
lol. Damn Cheekz! You never ask anyone for advice?
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Never! At anything. People give me advice, but in my head I think “why would I listen to your unhappy ass”. There are millions of circumstances that have placed me in the position that I am in (career wise, relationship wise, family wise) its impossible for a freind to know everything that factors into my decision, so why bother with listening to his incomplete rationalization.
I take knowledge from my freinds. (How to do things, cheap places to buy clothes. Movie Reviews). We also tend to share war stories (annoyance with talking on the phone, constant complaining, putting our leg up and hitting her the the dougie) but I never ask for advice.
They might have something smart to say though, but its usually something i knew..they are just reminding me to implement it. Ie when my man Words told me to stop argueing with what Omar Gooding once described as unstable creatures (he aint going to use the B word), just walk away. Makes them more mad.
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LOL…I use my good girl friends to vent about somethings and as sounding boards…never really sought advice and certainly kept most things about my dealing with men I cared for, Loved, to a minimum unless it was some sort of flagrant phcuk up on dudes part…..
My Granma, GOD BLESS HER SOUL. told me a loooonnnnnggggggg time ago, when I was quite the young girl to not ever discuss your man too much with brawds, esp what he does in the bedroom etc,thats not up for discussion ever even with the BFF’s……….
Now if its some ole casual (which I don’t do) wack small member, premature ejaculator, don’t know how to phcuk experiences, please share, laughter makes the world go round LOL
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Wow… It’s been so long since I had time from work to post… So excited!
Well I learned in high school not tell broads my business, which is why I only have 1 female friend. My problem is with male friends, dudes who I think are there to give me a friendly male point of view… Naw. Nothing but bias advice cause they have a thing for me. Sucks. So I don’t really have anyone to talk to about the situation so I just talk to guy I’m dealing with. That openess in communication goes a long way and I find that most guys appreciate it more when you let them know about your concerns instead of going to someone outside of the relationship.
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I like having some outside perspective, but I definitely keep the circle tight. I don’t want the world knowing my business. And as RCLS said, I weigh who’s giving the advice as much as the advice itself.
With that said, I can’t stand when women get relationship advice from friends who you’ve downgraded many times to me in previous conversations. I.e. their single, haven’t had a boyfriend in a couple years friend. Or the one that continuously messes up her own relationships. Or the one that you told me is a whore. You’re going to a whore for advice on me? C’mon buddy…
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Smiley Face Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
“I can’t stand when women get relationship advice from friends who you’ve downgraded many times to me in previous conversations.”
BINGO!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 11:20 am
lol. Can’t be getting boo advice from the town J.O.
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ildolceamore Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Just to play devil’s advocate…
Let’s say the problem your girl had with you was that you were a whore. Or too friendly like Beyonce’s man in ‘Obsessed’.
Her stature as a whore means that she could decode the meaning of your whorish ways, so it actually makes perfect sense to be asking her about you because you two are pretty much the same person, no?
I’m just saying…
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Smiley Face Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
mmmm…I don’t know if that’s playing devils advocate..if your man is a whore and so is your friend..I think you’d have bigger problems than who to go to for advice, no? I guess I’m not understanding what valuable advice zor-ho can give you?
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RightCoastLexSteele, 6 Figures and Rising Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
And you might not want to leave the two whores in the same room alone.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
And there’s many types of whores. You can’t ask a ho with daddy problems about a man-whore. That’s like comparing apples to oranges.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
HMMMM Daddy Problems… my fav
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TRUE Reply:
July 13th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
why are single people considered whores
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i have a hard time keeping secrets and things to myself
I dont really have shame..unless things come back to haunt me (and they have fairly recently)
I still dont regret sharing my inner thoughts and feelings to my friends in the end
I know they may not always think favorable of my relationships or my actions and what not…but they love me regardless, and I would rather them treat me according to the truth than according to a lie
Living a lie is stupid
thats why I’ll always be true2me
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Rarely do I go to friends about advice in relationships. I try to keep communication in my own situations open and freely moving, reducing the need to go to anyone else. The view from the outside is always different than the one inside. Additionally, it’s not like all of my friends are in relationships or healthy ones at that. Asking them for advice would seem fruitless. Instead, I ask my friends for support. If I make a wrong turn in a relationship, I need my girls there to take me out for $5 crablegs and movie night to make me feel better. I don’t need them in my ear though.
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Dont do it dont do it. This applies to men and women both. Granted sometimes talking to someone can put things in prespective and give you confirmation that “ok i am triping” or “im validated in feeling this way”. But the main thing you gotta watch for and WOMEN ESPECIALLY STOP LISTENING TO THESE LONELY BITTER BROADS THAT CANT KEEP A MAN AND WANT YOU BACK SO YALL CAN HANG OUT AGIAN. this makes no sense to me why not go speak to a woman who is in a happy relationship so they can give you clearheaded advice?
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