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Do Your Friends Know Best?
Miss Jenkins’ note: I have had a rough few days. I had a big assignment due today, and I watched with pride as Duke beat Butler. I wrote this post a little while ago, but after a conversation I had this weekend, it’s still relevant. Enjoy and share your thoughts!
What about your friends?
Once upon a time, I was “dating” (I’m still not sure I know what that word means) this guy. We knew each other for about a year, and eventually tried the exclusive thing. Or so I thought. This dude had been around my friends and played the boo role quite well to the public. But there was something in my gut that told me not to buy into his act just yet. While I felt conflicted about feeling like I shouldn’t fully trust this man, my friends didn’t see my reasons for doubting. As a result, I had a constant back and forth battle, weighing what my friends thought against what I thought and felt. At times, I undercut myself in favor of the show he put on and what my friends had to say.
At the end of day, my intuition was right. He was a shady kane twirling dude who did dirt whilst we were seeing each other, and ended up being what I expected him to be: immature and dishonest. Thankfully, I listened to my gut, and resisted making a large emotional investment. While I considered what my friends said, I’m glad I didn’t listen to them on this one.
What about your friends?
There seems to be something about some women that causes us to lean on and listen to our friends. And this can often prove very useful. There are times when you need the opinion of others because your vision has been clouded by something. I know that I have had to listen to the homies because I was too smitten to see what was right in front of me. But…
You knew there’d be a but. Sometimes turning to the thoughts, feelings, and contributions of your home girls can become too much. Especially when there is a conflict between what they are saying, what you observe about your relationship, and what your intuition is saying. Without a doubt, your friends have your best interest at heart, but sometimes it can interfere with your own good judgment and create a mess in your relationship that you will be left to clean up on your own.
Sometimes, you gotta keep things to yourself.
Some women also have the urge to tell their home girls all the ins and outs of their relationships. Back in the day when I was young, I’m not a kid anymore, I felt the need to run just about everything about my relationship by my girls. As we all got older, we began to see the issue with this approach. It’s not that we think our friends don’t want what’s best for us, but it’s usually better not to have people in the know about every little thing that happens in your relationship. Unfortunately, this creates the space for other people to dictate what should or shouldn’t be happening between you and your boo.
I know that men hate this too. It’s one of the biggest things my male friends hate: ”Well, Tisha said that…” or “When I spoke to Shanice, she thought we…” I know that if a man came to me like on some “Well Seattle thinks you are…” I too would be a little peeved. This is not to say that you shouldn’t seek out help where you need it, but consistently sharing your business with other people brings too many people into your relationship. Unless you’re down with the ménage à trois, I’m thinking this is not what’s up.
So what about your friends? Fellas and ladies, have you ever found yourself turning to your friends about your relationship woes? Has that ever come back to screw you haunt you? How much weight do place on what your friends think or say? How do you feel about friends being all in the mix? Do tell. Its okay. You can tell me that you don’t like your boo’s friends.
That’s not gas, that’s intuition,
41 Responses to “Do Your Friends Know Best?”
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Well it seems like I am the one that my friends come to for advice. I think this is because I have been thru more things than them so they look to me for advice because I have already experienced it.
I never try to lead them wrong but sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth. It’s as if they feel you are hating on them and that is not the case. Then when the situation turns out how you thought it would they are back crying on your shoulder saying they should have listen to me.
I think most people keep things to themeselves and don’t ask for advice from others because they already know what they have to do and they just don’t want to hear the truth.
I will admit that I have seen at times people giving their friends bad advice because maybe they are bitter themselves about their situation. I say just trust you gut no matter where you are getting advice from. From my experience it never leads you wrong.
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Every once in a blue moon I will vent to my friends or sister, but mostly I keep things to myself. If I do talk to ‘em they tend to be always on the negative side.
I also hate hearing too much about their situations because I can’t always keep my thoughts to myself and odds are that man is still going to be there tomorrow. I can listen to just venting without giving my opinion, but only for so long. They rarely ever actually want to hear some hard truths.
I’m glad we didn’t. End up shafted on a real post today.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Please pardon my tardiness, boo.
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SaneN85 Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Oh, I didn’t mind. I just didn’t want that “f*ck Duke” to be the post for today.
Also, I am on the phone with a lady from the IRS trying to find out where my refund is at. She introduced herself as Ms. Jenkins. Now, when I see you’re name I’m going to imagine you have the voice of a 60 year-old white woman who has smoked most of her life.
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The older I get the less I go to my friends for advice and it’s because I think women tend to give what I call “knee-jerk advice”. Oh you suspect your man of cheating? Leave his a$$ girl! He stood you up at the last minute? Never see him again! Oh he has a job AND a car? You need to marry him! It’s not bad advice, but it’s arbitrary and it doesn’t take circumstances or my personality into account. Most times I end up ignoring their advice and doing what makes sense to me.
Before I give advice I ask my friends two questions: 1. Do you want me to tell you what I would do or what I think you should do? 2. Do you want me to blow smoke up your a$$ or give you rough talks? Then I give them advice based on their answers. I think you have to factor a lot of things in before you advise someone about their life. When I find a friend who does that maybe I’ll ask her for advice but in the meantime I’ll stick to my own counsel.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 7:06 am
Does a friend ever tell you to blow smoke up their a$$?
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max Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 7:21 am
Almost all the time…the women anyway. The men tend to ask for the rough talks.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Like you, I try to assess what kind of response they want from me. I try to stay on the side of letting them talk themselves into a solution or out of the problem (that’s the clinician at work), but other times, they want (and need) to hear the honest truth. But I don’t give my 9 cents just for the sake of giving it.
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max Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 9:53 am
Exactly. I can’t stand it when I’m just telling a story for entertainment purposes and my friends start in on what I should do and what I should say. I don’t like receiving unsolicited advice so I try not to give it either.
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I know I’m probably late on catching this, but I just watched the documentary “Diary of a Tired Black Man” in which you will see plenty of (slightly over-dramatized but likely real for some ladies) examples of what happens when you listen to your girls too much.
Personally, I only have 2 friends in my close inner circle who have more or equal relationship experience as I do, and that I feel comfortable having these conversations with, if needed. Yet the ones with less of it like to weigh in more (hmph) so I really make it a point not to share certain aspects of my relationship with them, especially the overly opinionated “why haven’t you taken my advice yet” types.
I always try to remember that if I want this to work (and LAST), the only third wheel allowed in the relationship is God.
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My friends and I discuss a lot of relationship issues with each other. I always try to be honest when asked for advice, but leave room for a friend to feel comfortable doing what she wants to do, which is usually complain and not leave the dude. I know that sometimes people just want to vent and may ask for advice, but already know what they want to do.
I know some women lean towards negativity every single time a man does something and a friend shares this information. As a friend, you should be able to help your friend put things into perspective to let her know what is important enough that she should leave or things she should just get over. I have friends who take certain things men do too seriously and over-analyze the situation and get themselves worked up for nothing and as a friend I’ve been there to tell them not to mess up a relationship over some foolishness. And they have been there to do the same for me.
However, I do have one friend that thinks everyman cheats and is grimey and that some just know how to hide it better than others. Once I figured that out I stopped going to her for advice b/c her opinion was always skewed towards the negative.
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I’m usually the go to person and I only offer advice when asked. Sometimes though I won’t say anything even if you do ask because I know you’re going to do what you’re going to do anyway. I rarely ask my friends advice (on relationship stuff), not because I don’t feel they offer good advice but because I tend to figure things out by myself and go with my gut.
I’m the inherent observer…I see a lot more of folk than they think I do, show me who you are and I’ll believe you; my friends hate that about me, lol
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After reading these comments (including my own) I’m wondering if our friends would say the same things about the kinds of friends we/advice we give, or if these responses are touched by the “I’m looking at me” effect. *shrugs*
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SaneN85 Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 11:25 am
That’s a good question.
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I usually keep things to myself. I may talk to one of my homeboys about a situation, but for the most part, I like to play it close to the vest.
My girlfriends are more boy crazy than I am. So, while I’m enjoying dating and the single life, they really want a boyfriend. And everytime I tell them I’m dating someone, they think I’m in a relationship. No, I’m just going out with him, and maybe something more will come of it, but a nice date isn’t a relationship. *sigh* I never take advice from them, and I only give advice if they specifically ask. And I tell them the truth, even if it hurts. It’s a hard job, but someone had to do it.
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Many of my friends are married, but I’m not. I’m in a long term relationship, but I can’t bring myself to give them advice on their issues. That would be like Obama asking me advice on foreign policy. I’m just not qualified to answer.
Listening to your friends all of the time is just like listning to mama and nem. Eventually, some of your advice will screw you.
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Compared to most of my friends, I’ve had limited relationship expeirence. I ask for their advice but take it with a grain of salt and still ultimately do what I want. Actually if I just listened to them I probably wouldn’t have so many issues. But I like to touch the stove even though its hot.
Surprisingly my friends will also come to me at times for relationship advice. I always throw out the caveat to remember they’re asking the resident single friend.
What works with me and my bestie is although we do solicit each other’s advice, we also use our own judgment. I don’t think everything my parents say is a prayer book and a Bible, so I use the same mindset with my friends.
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I try to hedge the advice I get from my friends based on their experience. If my boy’s been single since “Thundercats” came out, it’s hard for me to consider him qualified to give me advice on my relationship.
Which I guess is why I have a problem when girls run to their friend(s) for advice and they’ve only be able to hold onto a Ken doll.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 11:04 am
True…True…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Damn son. A Ken doll?
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SaneN85 Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 11:31 am
I think that I’d feel the same way if I were a man. However, with women, sometimes it’s the ones that are always single that actually give good advice. Anybody can be boo’d up, and women tend to have their pick of the litter. It’s a matter of whether they are in quality relationships or not. Frankly, I can count the number of women friends I have in quality relationships (their men aren’t out knowingly cheating, living off of her, having her pay for his 4 other kid’s child support, having her wait out long stretches of prison while he’s writing every heifer on the block, or just beating her).
I’m single by choice. It’s not always a matter of not being able to hold onto a man. I hate that people assume being single makes you unqualified to speak on things.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
Very true. However just as you grow and learn when you’re single, you grow and learn when you’re in a relationship.
I can sit here and let you know what Obama should do as president, but only 43 other dudes are really qualified to give him advice. And even that is suspect because they’re situation was different. Sure I chose not to be a president, or work in politics, and I watch CNN/C-Span/BBC, but I’m still not apt to give advice to my fellow mixed brethren.
You get where I’m going?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
I think I do, but the analogy throws me a bit. You and I have never been in politics. We may have a functional knowledge of it, and not much more. But (most) single people have been in “formal” relationships before and tend to have had interactions and experiences that keep them tuned mens and lady-folk in a way at least gives them some relevant points of reference.
I’m not saying that folks should just go around telling people what they think based on a few experiences, but I don’t think being single makes you unable to contribute.
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SaneN85 Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 12:58 pm
See, Ms. Jenkins gets it. Besides, people in relationships tend to relate everything to something they are/were going through in their own relationship. It can prove to not be very unbiased advice. I’m not saying that single people don’t do this, but they are usually removed from the situation that they are using to relate to yours, and you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20. Sometimes, the single person may be the best person to give advice.
Now, if we were talking about a single person who has never been in an adult relationship, that’s a different story.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
That’s what I’m getting at – a woman who’s never had a true adult relationship or worse yet a series of failed attempts. Would you ask the cashier from McD’s or Bernie Madoff for financial advice?
All I’m saying is that women, and men, should look at who’s giving the advice. I think that’s where the root of many problems come from. Everyone needs someone to bounce things off of, but you need to filter what’s coming back. If it’s a person who’s perpetually single (not of her own accord) or just hasn’t had a boyfriend since you were reading Babysitter Club, it may not be for the best.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
I’d ask bernie madoff.
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N.I.A.naturally Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
So would I. lol.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:55 pm
I can’t with you. Lol.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 2:29 pm
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I give people the worst possible advice so they never come crying to me again. Noble, I know.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I don’t know Dr. Steele, the last advice you recommended did me right. Then again that’s your prescription for everything.
…When in doubt, just go green.
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele LLC, Destined for Greatness Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
You don’t count. I actually like you as a person. I save the bad advice for people like my 24 yr old co-worker who is clearly a virgin. Everytime he asks me for dating advice, I tell him “Dude…just whip out. What’s the worst that can happen.” So at this point, either he’s not getting anymore dates, or he’s figured out my sabotage.
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“I know that men hate this too. It’s one of the biggest things my male friends hate: ”Well, Tisha said that…” or “When I spoke to Shanice, she thought we…” I know that if a man came to me like on some “Well Seattle thinks you are…” I too would be a little peeved.”
i abhor this especially when said friend doesn’t even know me. all they know is what you’ve told them about me and what you’ve said is probably biased and told to make yourself look best. take that advice and approach me with that bullsh*t if you want.
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i’m mad at the grown women whose mouths would even fix themselves to form the words “Well, my girl told me”.. NAH!! you don’t do that!! MEN HATE THAT!! get it right!
you know.. i am who most of my friends go to for advice.. but I KNOW better than to tell them what to do.. so what i mostly do is approach it from a psychological perspective.. and ask them common sense questions and have them glean the answer for themselves..
that way they came to the conclusion on their own..
all my people know.. i’m not asking you for advice.. not only that, but your friends are NEVER as forgiving as you are if they feel someone screwed you over and you took them back (forgave them)..
my mother even knows not to get in my business.. she might ask questions which then get the #sideeye..
AND i have a judgemental friend too!!! that’s a negative.. you can offer your insight.. i’ll listen, and file that away on the backburner.. not to say that i won’t listen to you.. but nobody knows the innerworkings of a relationship.. not only that, but when the heart’s involved, there’s nothing that’s gonna make sense to your friends.. they don’t know how emotionally invested you are in someone..
that’s mostly not even considered a factor when your girls are tryin to tell you what to do..
nah, we can have a venting session every now and then, but don’t assume you know everything about my situation because of the nuggets of info i gave you.. you’ll look like “booboo the fool”
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I’m really private about my relationships and my friends respect it. We tend not to offer relationship advice to one another unless it’s been specifically asked for.
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Love this blog, been reading it for about a year and a half but this is the first time I’ve decided to write.
I have learned to keep my mouth shut about my relationships. My relationship with my man has been so much happier because other people don’t meddle in what we do and how we feel about each other…Sometimes it is good to take your friends opinions into consideration though because sometimes you could be so blinded by love that you dont really see whats in front of you, but only when it’s asked for. And your opinion shouldn’t heavily rely on it.
Funny thing is sometimes your girlfriends dont take the medicine they are prescribing you. Last year I was talking to this guy. I was so wrapped up in him and thought he was perfect. Then, I found out that he was MORE than shady and my best friend’s advice: “I wanna (some violent words) for you! Why are you even his friend!? Just f*ck it and stop talking to this d-bag!” and then 7-8 months later…she ends up involved with same dude. hmm. I dont think I can ever take advice from girls at face value after that…hence, I like getting advice from men because they are more rational about things and dont jump the gun.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Welcome to 3 Ways! Well…welcome to the commenting world. Something tells me this fellow is probably good in the sheets no?
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Tunde Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
probably so. only explanation.
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moniker Reply:
April 6th, 2010 at 7:03 pm
Thanks slim! Surprisingly thats not why she ended up falling for him. He lived a few states away…so i wouldnt know if he was good because we never made it that far and im glad we didnt. He was a hot body, smooth talker. But that would explain why his ex and another chick came back to him for a good thronxing while we were talking. oh well. *kanye shrug*
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Sowhatiff-your friends do know best…good day.
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