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A Case Of The Ex
Miss Jenkins note: I’m trying something a little different today. Enjoy the post. Share your thoughts and stories about your reconnecting (or not) with ex-boos. Good ones, bad ones, whatever floats your boat. Happy reading.
As I sat watching some random show on Wednesday night, I got a text message from the “him” who has taken up much of my emotional life over the last few years. “I’ll be in town Friday if you want to grab a drink.” Two months ago, the mere sight of his name would have caused my heart to race and my stomach become home to many butterflies. As I picked up the phone and read the message, I shook my head and sighed. I held the phone and considered responding right away. Eventually common sense returned and I put it down. For now.
I continued the rest of my night with the memory of the text playing in my mind. “I’ll be…Friday…grab a drink.” I decided not to respond to his text that night, and contemplated not responding at all. Do I really want to see him? Should I see him? Will I be upset if I do? Will I be upset if I don’t? Thankfully, thoughts of him passed and sleep arrived.
While I mulled over my desire to respond or not, I remembered a lesson I recently learned: telling yourself you don’t feel a certain way or that you don’t want to do a certain thing is stressful and pointless. Spending time trying to talk yourself out of something you know you want or feel creates unnecessary self-pity, a sense of guilt, and anxiety. When the dust settles, you will likely make the same decision, no matter how right or wrong it is. I digress.
When I realized that my Friday evening was pretty open, I let him know I was free. “I gotta hang out with some coworkers…I’ll hit you up when I’m free.” Knowing him, this meant seeing him would be unlikely. Knowing this, I made other plans. Thankfully I did. Friday night and much of the day on Saturday came and went before I got a “sorry I was so drunk last night” text from him. Sorry. Sure you are.
Damn right he is. And so I am. I am sorry that I wasted any amount of energy thinking about seeing him. I have spent the last 3 years of my life thinking about him in some way, shape, or form. And time and time again, he has shown me that I am an after thought to him. Even as “friends” it’s clear what kind of friendship we have.
The non-existent kind.
Why does he even bother contacting me? Part of me has been dying to ask. Dying to demand that he. just. stop. Just let me be. Let me live my life free of any part of yours. Clearly, you are not really interested in being anything to me, so why bother? Another part of me, albeit a much smaller part than before, doesn’t want to lose him completely. What part of him I am trying to hold on to, I’m not sure. Clearly there is not much left to hold on to.
The whole “people come into your life for seasons” adage proves painfully true with him. He brought Old Man Winter to my life. And like the winter months, he brought moments of warm sunshine that fooled me into thinking warmer days were around the corner. The way the sun smiled and reflected off of the day-old snow, masking the freezing temperatures and cold winds of his confusing actions. Like snowflakes falling from the sky, the beauty of each unique experience we shared distracted my attention from the danger of the falling icicles of his selfish ways.
It’s time for my warmer season to arrive.
For now, I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing. Keeping my distance from him. Enjoying my life. Working on me. Forgetting him.
Chucking the deuces up,
RSS & Twitter
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wooowww…loved this.. seriously a great post! You said what a lot of people feel all the time.. Love it
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YOOOOOOOO!!!! This right here?!?!? (below)
…………he brought moments of warm sunshine that fooled me into thinking warmer days were around the corner. The way the sun smiled and reflected off of the day-old snow, masking the freezing temperatures and cold winds of his confusing actions. Like snowflakes falling from the sky, the beauty of each unique experience we shared distracted my attention from the danger of the falling icicles of his selfish ways…………
APPLES AND BANANAS!!!!! Words never sounded so good together…. SO freakin well said… Bravo…
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:17 am
yes I loved this!
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Me too!! Seriously touched some raw nerves here, I feel your pain *e-hugs*
Meanwhile in Gotham City :ctrl+c, do the alt+Tab hustle over to FB, ctrl+v, BAM! FB Philosopher, sharing your wisdom with the masses:
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:45 pm
I hope you linked the site
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:50 pm
on it!
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“telling yourself you don’t feel a certain way or that you don’t want to do a certain thing is stressful and pointless. Spending time trying to talk yourself out of something you know you want or feel creates unnecessary self-pity, a sense of guilt, and anxiety. When the dust settles, you will likely make the same decision, no matter how right or wrong it is.”
AMEN TO THIS!!!
I have been going in an out with an ex for going on 5 years now…it’s crazy. He isn’t as flaky as yours, we talk every week, we are still pretty good friends, he makes sure that we hang out whenever we are in the same city……but he has a girlfriend. So I’ve been hanging on the back burner hoping that I will be moved to the front. Its pitiful but love is a blind b**ch who doesn’t give an eff about your feelings.
I’m still working on me and trying to live my life the best that I can but he’s always in my heart and on my mind.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:01 am
I totally feel you on this. I mistakenly thought I could win over a guy I previously dated who already had a girlfriend. It didn’t take me long to realize that if he really cared about me, I would be his girlfriend, not some other chick. I am glad I let go of that (though it took me a long time) because I ended up meeting a wonderful guy who is now my boyfriend. When I reflect back on my relationship with the other dude, all I can think of are the “winter months” as Miss Jenkins put it, and I wonder why I stuck around for so long. But at the end of the day, it was a great learning experience and I don’t think I could be a good girlfriend or know what to look for in a partner without that experience.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
But at the end of the day, it was a great learning experience and I don’t think I could be a good girlfriend or know what to look for in a partner without that experience.
Co-sign.
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
Wouldn’t change it if I could…
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:52 pm
…and that’s why they call us crazy!
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withrainbowsprinkles Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:03 am
not only is what i’m about to type a week late, it also doesn’t really pertain to the topic at hand…that being said, good post, woman…
“he isn’t as flaky as yours”
YES HE IS!! What is this judge of “flakiness”? So because you get weekly phone calls and face time that makes your ex less flaky? (And I’m not throwing shots, just trying to raise a question) I feel like, as women, we always wanna make ourselves feel better and make excuses about our circumstances by looking at other people’s situations and saying “well, at least he didn’t cheat” or “what we have is real love” or “he makes time for me even if he has a girlfriend”…eff that! I’ve found myself making excuses for so many people in my life and truly thinking they weren’t “as flaky” or “as bad” as some of the men in my peers’ lives, but the reality of it is…at the end of the day, all of us still felt “some type of way” be it miserable, inadequate, self-loathing, whatever…i just wish we could stop comparing our circumstances and measuring them up against one another…if you’re crying at night, whether it’s because he cheated or the timing wasn’t right or he has to focus on himself, etc…don’t look at your girl and be like “oh my situation is so different” (not saying that you were trying to do that cause i understand you were drawing similarities)…sigh, anywho, i typed that more for myself than anyone else…make sure you remind me of what i said when i start making excuses for an ex, miss jenkins
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Kriola Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:15 am
I wasn’t trying to say that he was better, after all he has a girlfriend, all I was saying was that he doesn’t blow me off. When he says hes gonna call he does, when he knows I’m in town he makes sure we hang out.
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withrainbowsprinkles Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:29 am
based on all you typed, i know you weren’t, but there are SO many women who do try to make their shitty situations seem better than someone elses…myself included…needed to type that so miss jenkins could re-tell it to me when i need to hear it later…
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This was great. Could of been me to the T except I was finally able to let the ex go 2months ago. Its a great feeling to wise up and choose ‘you’ Winters over and I’m enjoying what Spring has to offer…. Great post
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Im sorry Jenkins… I’ll make sure to call you in advance next time.
My apologies
“Him”
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sanen85 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:52 am
LMAO. I’m sure you’ve been a “Him” to someone though.
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Sukez Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 8:38 am
Cosign lol
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Streetz Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 10:43 am
SMH…
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 9:30 am
lol
*my nig*
insensitive humor. always the cat’s meow
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I know all too well about this. Literally took me 4 years to get over my 3 year relationship that should’ve lasted 2 months. I am finally at the stage where I have said his number under “B**ch Don’t” The last time I spoke to him I told him to pretend I died, cuz that is what I plan to do with regards to him. It wasn’t easy but I am happy now that he no longer occupies space in my heart or in my head.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:42 am
I was tempted to do the “final words” call, but decided to save my breath.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:03 am
a final email or text works just as well
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Back in July, I finally said goodbye to the guy I had been allowing to toy with my feelings for the last year. I remember tearfully begging him to leave me alone because he was hurting me too much and even though I didn’t like it, I felt powerless to stop it. He didn’t then but I guess this time he knew that I was really fed up because he hasn’t contacted me since. Even though I know its for the best, I kind of wish he would, just so that all that drama wouldn’t have been in vain. But alas, my phone hasn’t rang and it probably won’t. I guess I should be grateful for that.
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*tear* Yall are making me tear up because I have been here and done this so many times. Sometimes it is just easier to yell “LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE” but it so hard. It is just so easy to go back to the guys you already know.
Been here done this too many times… I am almost 30, time to stop holding on to b.s.
Just my 2 cents
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This hit so close to home for me. I’m going through this right now with the man that has consumed my thoughts for three years. I know he is no good, but I always seem to flash on the good times with him and it overshadows the bad. It’s great to read that I’m not the only one who feels exactly like this.
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Love the writing style in this post. I’m sure it will resonate with a lot of people. Me thinks (with leprechaun hat on) this is something men don’t go through—at least not the emotional torture of the person reappearing over and over while trying to get over and past them. I suppose we shall see over the course of the day how this plays out.
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L. Dejean Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 1:08 am
You said what i was thinking! The writing style was awesome & it definitely resonated with me…
There is so much to say on the emotional torture aspect but words can’t give the thoughts & feelings justice.
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 1:10 am
I agree with you, but why do you think guys don’t go through this too?….I’ve been told that men are just good at putting their emotions in boxes and storing them away.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 1:12 am
I have a post coming up on this topic Kriola. My answer is too long for a comment box.lol.
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 1:16 am
damn…ok I’ll be waiting
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 7:26 am
That’s because most women don’t linger after it’s over unless 1) they are hanging on to each other, or 2) she’s a stage 3-5 clinger.
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*clapping* Seriously, this was a great post Miss Jenkins…i’ve gone through this several times before and i’ve also made the mistake of seeing the person…i never feel like i’m in a better place afterward unless the person & i ended/parted on pleasant terms. Going through trying to get over a person is never easy & it never hurts any less when you think of the given situation(s).
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Miss Jenkins (repeats this a couple more times)!
Why do we do this? I have a similar situation.The ex and I broke up, but he still has a hold on me. When he calls or text me i’m anxious to respond or pick up immediately, but talk myself out of it and wait at least an hour to respond. I went to NC for several weeks in the early part of the Summer to “get over” him and i thought I was over him until I returned home and got a “let’s have dinner this week” text. In a matter of minutes all of my progress evaporated. Who invented this doing the back and forth thing anyway?
*sighs*
This get 2 snaps up and a swirl
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Miss Jenkins this was a Great post. I normally don’t post just read but I had too. My ex just will not stop reappering. He was def bad or even worse as yours. He would hit me up all the time make plans never come through ever. Wanted me to drop everything for him. I would be so hurt & my heart would skip a beat whenever he hit me up and I would wait an hour to hit him back and I would make sure I planned everything I would say.(it was very exhausting) He comes around about every 4 to 6 months like clock work. I have just moved to Cali(gettin mt Doctorate) and I said to myself dang I havent heard from him in a while and what happen he hit me up today. SMH
I thank God that I no longer care my heart no longer skips beats…and I feel nothing. Trust it took me a long time to get there but Im glad,Im in a place that when he does contact me its no big deal. And he knows that now cuz I am different and now hes looks at me crazy wondering what happen why am I actting different. I just smile inside and said CUZ IM OVER YOU and I always say I will pray for you and hope you find happiness…He is stuck like huh after that…LOL!!!
But you will make it Miss Jenkins it just takes time!
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You were speaking my life with this post..
I’ve dealt with a dude for the past 3 years. The “I’m not ready for a relationship” dude.
I finally reached a place where I’m not calling and now, he’s sensing he’s lost me and wants to make sure he stays in the picture.
“I don’t fully want you, but don’t want you out of my life” thing..
The heart is a b*tch. I want to turn ice cold, but I can’t. THe optimist in me overshadows everything. The hope in me made me short-sighted for too many years, not realizing that there was no future. And it’s time to move on.
And he’s not even an ex because we never even got to that level..
yeah, stick a fork in it.. cuz i’m done..
Thank you Ms. Jenkins.. your last paragraph was the perfect way to sum up everything..
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 7:07 am
Once your heart gets involved, it doesn’t know anything about labels.
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LaBakir Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 9:14 am
“I’m not ready for a relationship” dude.
“I don’t fully want you, but don’t want you out of my life”
^ This right here is soooooo selfish!!!! You can’t have your cake and eat it too! And I honestly don’t know one dude who wants a relationship. Yet, the want all the “perks” that come with it. SMH
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Nick@Nite Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
THANK YOU!!
It is selfish and then when I say something like “you don’t want me” he wants to explain the many ways that that’s “not it”
was my bluntness too much for you? *sigh*
and he got cut off a while back.. then texts me saying that withdrawals are hard.. I know that! I’m going through it too.. but you can’t get the best of me and not want the rest of me…
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LaBakir Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:47 pm
was my bluntness too much for you?
^RIGHT?!!!
He talmbout withdrawals are hard…which he wouldn’t have to experience if he wanted to be with you…correct me if I’m wrong. #Sarcasm
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 3:23 pm
Wow, they all use the same playbook, huh? My “him” did the “that’s not it” thing when I said “you don’t want me” too or when I said I’d had enough of being “rejected” he’d always say how he’d never rejected me.
He really hated it when I said things how they were, cause he couldn’t help but see how selfish his actions were and how disrespectful he was being towards me when I just laid it out in plain English…
So tell my why I loved this man for 18 months…still do truth be told…*sigh* baby steps…almost 3 weeks of no contact so far…cried almost every day
Can’t even “paint my nails” ain’t that some ish! *smh*
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Nick@Nite Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
I congratulate you on the 3 weeks of no contact.. it’s really hard to cut that when you’re used to talking often.. (at least I am)
Keep it up. It gets better in time. The thing is that it’s actually liberating not having to play the “what does he mean” game.. or constantly wondering what position you are in his life. You wake up, and you know exactly what role you’re in, because there’s no one else in the equation to toss in variables..
Enjoy it..
The other day I thanked God that “he” didn’t want me.. I’m about to be able to travel, and I LOVE the fact that my feet aren’t tied down..
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
We were in communication all day, every day – it SUCKS! But thank you…now if only I didn’t want so badly to be tied down, pause, naw, no pause, I gets down like that
lol
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Mz Good Heart Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Girl i know how you feel I went 3 months without talkin to him I cried almost everyday too. its such baby steps…!!!
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Hey DJ – can we hear Fantasia’s “Bittersweet”?
http://youtu.be/c7mr8KxF_4U
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Slim Jackson Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Why that link look so scary?
Nick@Nite Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 5:57 pm
Lol! that link DOES look like the FCC got a hold on it…
This was a great post! I have had these same things happen, like most women. I put his number under the name “the void”. He had the ability to pull me into a dark sad place with one 5 minute conversation. Finally I had to block his number for my own sanity. Sometimes you have to cut off all communication like that.
Make him Turn you loose!
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Woo! This was great. But how about the men that reach out to you through other people? =/ Had “Him” reach out to me through my little sister. Can’t even go through what he made me feel. I contemplated seeing his this past Friday when I was in NYC but I called and told him it’s a No-Go. I honestly don’t have anything left to say to him. I’ll probably just shake his hand. *shrug*
Great Post Ms. J
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SBF Addicted to Retail Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:07 pm
AMEN!!! About the through other people… I can’t eeem comment (he might be tracking my moves) but I know… Jesus knows I know!!
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Don’t feel bad Jenkins…it happens to the best of us. I find that ex’s who randomly contact you…are just testing the waters or bored..it’s not that they’re really trying to connect..they just want to see if they still CAN. So, you just have to know that…and decide if you want to play that game..or keep it moving.
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Reecie Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 9:56 am
this is the truth right here.
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I think we all go through this, and will continue to because even though we know the outcome we “hope”.
As far as the why: Guys do it because this is one of those times they can have their cake and continue to eat away at it. They can do whatever they want to but know that we’ll still cook their favorite meal for them, or show up for the cuddling when they are being played by the other girl, or whatever. Because they know we hold out hope. Sounds ugly right? It is.
I don’t think women do this very often because when *we’re* done, we’re done. Sometimes callously so. We certainly do break guy’s hearts but not repeatedly because we don’t double back over and over again.
My philosophy after my ex became, “never stay with the guy that makes you cry.” My Beau now, NEVER does. Also I read a book in which a psychologist said that these “feelings” that we have are a dopamine response. We often associate the strong desires to be with someone as “true love” whereas Love shouldn’t be so painful and torturous. No one enjoys the “waiting for him, pining for him, hoping and wishing for him” yet we associate those things with being indicators that it’s real. Strange huh?
EIther way, Love ya* Miss Jenkins. I know that 6 months from now you’ll read this and laugh.
Great Post!
JG*
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QueenT Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 9:24 am
Co-sign..when a woman is DONE she is DONE.
R. Kelley wrote a song about it. “When A Woman’s Fed UP”.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 10:51 am
What’s the name of that book? That is truf right there. Between the subconscious needs we seek to have met by the wrong people and the chemical ish, many of us spend so much time in the wrong relationships with the wrong people all because something about it feels right.
Thankfully, I’m already laughing. I laughed when I got his sorry ass text and will keep on laughing as I skip on away from him into my continued growth, deserved happiness, and healing. Months ago, I would have followed up, cared about how his trip was, initiated contact, etc., despite the BS. Now, I truly care less. Feels friggin great.
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BP Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
I had a therapist tell me the same thing about my reaction to my ex being like a “dopamine” drug. I finally dropped him the “never contact me again” line and haven’t looked back since. It was hard but like you said…I was FED up.
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
No question he’s absolutely like a drug to me…super high #RR highs, really low lows.
And I’ve tried “never contact me again” like 4 times now…if only he’d stop calling (this time I got quiet emotionally raw on him though, I think it just may stick). But every time he calls he makes me think he really, genuinely cares for me every time and things have changed; I want just one more hit…no question that I was/am adickted.
Yeah, I got spell check…that’s exactly what I meant to write…
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BP Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 7:39 pm
Adickted? I’m going to use that. Once you are truly, really fed up you’ll cut him loose. I promise once you do… you will be wondering why you didn’t long ago.
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I have def been there but it really is about expectations. The heart is super deceitful and will make you feel things that are not truly there. You have to know yourself and know what you can and cannot do. One of my exes I could definitely hang out with, talk to and rap about anything from the primary elections to Kat Stacks without drifting into some emotional messiness and another one of my exes just does not allow for the conversation to stay focused or for me to keep myself emotionally grounded. I expect ZERO from these dudes, hence why they are the ‘ex’. The second I have seen myself drifting into a state of expecting too much from them, I backed away. Mind you, this is after years of pure fuckery on my part: I wanted too much from others and did not stand for what I needed as a woman.
What resonated the most from your post is the part about why many of us hold on to the ‘ex’: We want to hold on to the sliver of that person that is left, weighing that 2% as better than zero. I stopped taking the 2% when I truly internalized that I could find 100% elsewhere. We all know it but we do not act like it.
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I can relate to this all too well.
I never understood why they just don’t disappear completely. I’ll do my part, hold back the tears and the emotions…fading to black. Only for this guy to re-emerge at some point. It’s something that I’ll never understand. While the main culprit, is overseas in Iraq…there are a few others I wish I could ship off somewhere or at the very least tell them to leave me the f*ck alone.
Perhaps that’s the issue. The idea that we (women) need to maintain some sort of pleasentries with these dudes, all in the name of being mature and all that jazz.
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
For me at least it’s hope…hope that he’ll come around…if I didn’t want him, I wouldn’t be worried one bit about “pleasantries”. But I invested all that time on him for a reason. I want him. HIM. Not another one…so I know that, at least in my case – I answer because I hope that this time, when I pick up he says “I’m sorry. I missed you. I need you in my life and I’m ready to try to give you what you need…”
*puts down the crack pipe* yeah, but we know that’s not happening…just read above…all these beautiful, intelligent, feisty, sexy women (that I’ll admit after reading 3Ways for all this time and even some of their personal blogs, I sorta felt like they had it all together and I was the only one that stayed losing in love) but we’ve ALL been taken for a ride…not one has said, “but he finally came around after I let him treat me like a hobby for a couple years” Not one…yet it will continue.
We are nurturers, we are mothers, we heal, we stick by, we consider others before ourselves, we ride or die…and sometimes our greatest gifts are our kryptonite.
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
cosign all of this!! I’m still on the crack pipe though, smokin’ and hopin’
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Funny I’m reading this after tellin my ex to kill his dream of seeing me in the near future. Not fallin for #theswindle he’ll see me when I get good in ready. No I’m not angry with him or bitter about how we ended cuz that was all my call. But I need my space and he needs to understand…ok thats all I got. Happy Monday everyone!!
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so many comments so early! let me go read. very good post.
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Good post, I like the something different. I have this saying, either I read it or heard it somewhere but it says “exes are that for a reason, whatever the problem was you decided you couldn’t deal” and for that exact reason….once you are my ex that is where you will stay. You got up enough strength to say enough is enough, it’s no use going back in the past. I don’t keep up with any of my exes. I cut all ties. Detach all emotion, not saying it’s as soon as we break up but eventually it happens.
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I haven’t had a lot of experience with the ex who won’t stay away; once mine leave they’re usually gone for good. I’m choosing to appreciate it as a blessing rather than taking it as an insult.
Therefore I have nothing of substance to contribute to this discussion, but I will say that this post was beautifully written Miss Jenkins!
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Been there, done that, nearly drove myself crazy wanting someone who didn’t really want me, regardless of what he said. Every time I would show signs of moving on, there he was on some “I wish we would have dated while we were in undergrad” and “I made a mistake” and “I really care for you” bullshyt. And of course, those words gave me that hope that perhaps he was really ready. Then came the “I don’t like long distance relationships, I want to be with my girl whenever I want to be.” This mess started in undergrad, and continued for 2 years after, with hime always wanting to remain friends. I ended that mess back in 2006 when it hit me that he damn sure wasn’t my friend, and there’s really nothing about him as a person that would make me want him to be my man. And I though about all the time I wasted, and the men who wanted to be with me, but I wouldn’t give myself completely because I was still holding out for him. smh…
Not anymore. Never again. Not falling for it. Too old for the games.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Co-sign all this right chea.
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SBF Addicted to Retail Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:12 pm
All of this… All of it…
My name is SBF Addicted to Retail aka So Flyy and I approve this message.
You just spoke my life.
#killingmesoftly
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Girl it’s your life and you have to make the decision to just not communicate anymore, don’t even leave up to him.
Just decide that was the last time you respond to him in any form and be done with it. I know as I had a “favorite nothing” too and decided to just be done with any hopes of anything in regards to him by ceasing all contact and communication etc.
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“Why does he even bother contacting me? Part of me has been dying to ask. Dying to demand that he. just. stop. Just let me be. Let me live my life free of any part of yours. Clearly, you are not really interested in being anything to me, so why bother? Another part of me, albeit a much smaller part than before, doesn’t want to lose him completely.”
This is the story of my life. I have an ex-bang buddy that I wanted to be more with and it never occurred. Even when I try to walk away from him he seems to find that moment to hit me up and i’m sucked back in. Sometimes I just wish he would disappear but then I sit around and wonder what would happen if I didn’t have him in my life. When crunch time comes he’s around but often that’s just not enough for me. So effin frustrating.
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LaBakir Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 10:52 am
When crunch time comes he’s around but often that’s just not enough for me. So effin frustrating.
^Word. When I see tell-tale signs of this behavior…or that things are gonna head own the road, I cut dude off. I refuse to take that “class” again. Lesson learned.
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Ooh! Finally something I can relate to! I’ve had someone for the past few years that I call “Ghost.” He was one of those “I can’t commit fully to you, but I don’t mind ackin’ like I’m committed when I come around you” types, and frankly, I just cut him clean off. Every once in a while, he’ll send a “sup” text, or if he’s in town, randomly show up… until the one time I cussed him out for just “showing up like I’m just supposed to be there whenever he gets ready.”
I think I hate the fact that I have to be so guarded with him, and that’s only because I know what happened when I was unguarded with him. I refuse to be the same dummy twice. Too bad I got another haunting text yesterday, along the lines of “I’ve moved back. Are you still there?”
*cue stank face*
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:21 am
It sounds like there can be no middle ground with him though cuz then he’ll pull out all the old tricks (||…?) All I can say is stay away. Easier said than done, I know.
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Beez Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 11:49 am
It gets easier with each incident of ignoring him… I’ve learned that he is a habitual limits tester. I don’t give him any slack, and he goes away. Perfect for both of us… at least for me.
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fortunately i’ve never had any exes that just won’t stay away. maybe that’s because that’s how they feel about me. ehh probably not.
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I love how this post has turned into a healing circle, of sorts…
Woo woo woo, people. Woo woo woo.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:02 pm
lol. you silly.
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SBF Addicted to Retail Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Amen. I also love all the names women have given these men in their lives & in their phones…
There was “B**ch Don’t”, “Ghost” & “The Void”… mine: “LIAR 1″
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
B**ch Don’t is by far my favorite lol
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Mine’s “What’s Changed?” cause I swear that’s what my first words will be when/if I ever answer again…
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People come in to your life for a reason and season but so do blog posts. This is everything I’ve been thinking for the past year.
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Most of my exes stay away once they go away, thank God for that. But I know that feeling of wishing they would come back; I had this happen just this yr. But I’m better now and I *heart* everything about this post.
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I’ve read alot of these post about **HIM** I try not to comment because I have nothing constructive to say (not that I ever do). Reading over the comment page I find myself saying ‘I do that. What’s the big deal?’
Sometimes I think ex boyfriends get a bad hand. You ask us to remain friends. You ask us for closure. You ask us to still lay the pipe. Than you ask us for space.
Why do you have to make it sound like we are purposely playing around with your emotions. That is like playing with a nuclear weapon, if I knew I was endangering my safety and the safety of my loved ones than I wouldn’t do it.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
This was actually pretty constructive sir. I laughed at the nuclear weapon part at the end. But I agree that it’s not intentional a lot of the time. It just sorta happens.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:51 pm
That may be true, but there are some dudes who keep the ex-boos on the back burner for only selfish reasons, knowing that she still has a soft spot him. I’m not talking about the amicable break ups, the “we roll with the same crew so we can be cool break ups,” etc. Some exes are meant to stay in the past. Anything else may be too painful.
And true, you may mean no harm by reaching out. But chances are, if you were an ass in the relationship and you know you were an ass, then you know you have no business staying in touch. Those wounds take a while to heal. Leave her be.
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LaBakir Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
^What she said
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Kriola Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
yeah I’ll admit that I’ve been wishy washy on the parameters of our relationship….I’ve gone back and forth betwen whether I wanna be lovers, friends or nothing at all multiple times. In his defense he has always pretty much been clear with me but I don’t always like what he wants to do. I was confused about what I wanted and the timing was all wrong. Now I think we are both clear so its a little less crazy
But it is so hard to walk away from some good pipe, but I have morals now and respect for his relationship, even if he doesn’t, so I stay away. It helps that we live on two different coasts too lol.
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Starita34 Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 5:59 pm
CHeeKZ you’re so brave…all these hurting women and you’re taking the Him’s side! lol I was all sorts of *screw face* when I first read your comment but after I did a few whooo saws I think I’d like to say a lil something on the subject, in the interest of male/female relations, bonding, learning and
getting sh!t off my chestish…You can say that “she knew the deal” or hide behind “I told her I wasn’t ready for a relationship” if you’d like, but we all know that very few men start talking to a lady and says from jump that they ARE ready for a relationship. Ya’ll just love the “let’s just kick it, have some fun, live in the moment, and see where this goes…” So if we never dated the dude that said “I’m not ready for a relationship” we’d never date #realtalk. So the onus is on you (I know, being a compassionate adult sucks sometimes), once you know that things will never go anywhere with a chick that you know is digging you – YOU gotta draw boundaries (if you’re not trying to hurt/use her). I.E. stop chexing her! (unless she’s cool with that SANS relationship or HOPE of relationship, of course some women will be, but most just put up with it waiting for you to realize what a prize you’ve got right under your nose ya big dummy) And it’s not just chex, personally, if we’re just friends, I don’t wanna hear from you more than 3-4 times a week or for more than 2 hours at a time. This all day, every day stuff is for men that MAY wanna wife me some day, I can’t help but get attached to you when you’re already someone that I am physically, chexually, intellectually attracted to AND we’re great friends that have amazing conversation AND you wanna talk to me all the dang time…sounds like a relationship to me.
And when a woman actually EXPLAINS to you that it’s painful to be around you/talk to you and you ignore that to “check up on her” well, it comes off as a game. Because just as soon as we start to heal, as soon as we start thinking of you a lil less, as soon as we string 3 days together of not crying over you, maybe go on a date or something BAM! That’s when you pop up
and reel us back in. That’s when you decide you need to check on us. That’s when we see your name on our caller ID and in an instant imagine how everything must’ve changed, you must’ve realized how great we were together and be really ready this time and then we answer. And nothing’s changed (that sound? It’s her heart breaking.You just want all the benefits and none of the responsibilities that come with our time. That hurts. That leaves us feeling used. BOTH parties need to be on the same page, and when we’re not…feelings get hurt. Sucks you lost a friend, no doubt. But we lost a man that we considered being with indefinitely…trust us, we know how badly it hurts.
We feel like you’re playing around with our emotions because you are, intentionally or not. We said we wanted to be with you. You said we couldn’t be. We said until things change not to contact us. Then you contact us. You all love to say how logical you are. Where’s the logic in that? You didn’t follow the rules. You broke the contract. We still love you, we want you to call, we want things to be different, we STILL want to be with you. Nothing changed. So until things are different, listen to her. Don’t contact her. Play by the rules. When she’s healed. When she can hear your name without welling up. When she can imagine her future without you. When she goes on a date without thinking of YOU the whole time. When she can have a good memory about you, without that all too familiar cramp in her chest that literally feels like her heart is being squeezed in a vice. When she’s ready for friendship that you’re willing to offer, she’ll contact you. And if she doesn’t, don’t be insulted. Either she wanted to leave you a good memory or she never got over you…we love hard, there will be casualties.
Sorry for the mini novel, this is obviously close to my
smashed, shattered, demolished, broken, stomped on, obliteratedtender heart.Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
wow. Umm…shit…well, **sighs and walks away**
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 20th, 2010 at 10:16 pm
Girl, you betta go ‘head. Well put.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
September 21st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Wow, how did I miss this!! You hit the nail on the head.
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shola Reply:
September 26th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
THIS.
*handclap*
Miss Jenkins, a sincere congratulations on this post, and a big e-hug to all my fellow commentators with a “him”
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withrainbowsprinkles Reply:
September 27th, 2010 at 12:14 am
perfectly articulated
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i haven’t actually been there and i am sort of surprised of the amount of women who have “him” in their life.
as an ex, i enjoy the check up calls, that shows to me we actually meant something to each other. if you can just drop off and move on (when the relationship had a reasonable break up)that says to me ” i never cared.”
the issue i find is that, if you have a “him” in your life and he keeps popping thru, good intentions of not, how as a female, keep the upper hand?
i mean he contacts her, she is extremely careful about available she is, and he cancels or not; perhaps some “hims” want to actually catch up but some just want a warm bed for the night. we as women should know that answer, bc we were the ones dating him. if he was always a great guy, why not!
but if he wasn’t, chances are he hasn’t changed his spots and we should stay clear from those random text messages on Wednesday nights.
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@Starita…you deserve a damn Noble Prize for that last comment.
That was one of the realest comments I ever read. I might have to send that too a few folks.
*walks up to pulpit and empties wallet*
And the church said Amen
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Ms. Jenkins,
I know I’m late, but I saw LaBakir and Starita referencing this post around the corner on SBM and had to check it out. Just want to let you know how impressive this was. Wow. Wonderful job. That’s all.
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MissJenkins I just read this again for whatever reason today and if it’s possible, I relate even more today than the first time I read it…this piece…this piece is so real…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
July 1st, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Glad it still resonated with you! Hope you’ve checked out my new spot, http://rewritingherstory.com – some newer stuff and more to come! And actually, more stuff about this same dude, smh.
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I’m not judging…I just had a relapse myself… :-/
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