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The Impossibility of Grown-Up Friendship
**A few things: 1. I’m off blogging for at least 2 weeks, so I’ll hopefully have a guest post for each of my post days. Why? I need to unplug from the matrix for a bit. 2. Make sure you vote for 3 Ways in the Finals of the Black Weblog Awards for Best Group Blog, Best Writing in a Blog, and Best Blog Post Series. 3. Today’s post is by Alejandro. Some of you may know him from FXP or Twitter. I’ll catch y’all in a few. -Slim**
As much as I’d love to continue playing never-ending ‘friend-zone’ games with attractive, successful, grown a$$ women who’d rather let me rot in the bowels of their subconscious than actively involve themselves in my life, I simply can’t and I won’t simply because of the sheer impossibility of “grown-up friendship” between single, straight, 25+year-old men & women in our “sex-first-ask-questions-later” society.
Err..yea, tragically-cliché ‘grown-up friendship’ that peaks at 18, fights to stay relevant at 22 and expires at 25 when nightlife-jaded men start processing the idea of monogamy with a strong, gorgeous, brilliant woman (See: ‘Claire Huxtable’ or Eddie Murph’s Boomerang-boo ‘Jacqueline Broyer’) who usually starts sketching baby room blueprints, cleansing her HoSh!t-scarred love below (for him) and trading homeboys for ‘husbands’ around that golden age.
Trust me ladies, I get it. No, really, I understand why so many of you remix the basic ideals of friendship at 25, 27 or even 30 when your eggs start to scramble in slow-motion. The idea of a close relationship with a grown man (who doesn’t secretly want your neighbors to know his name) is instantly dismissed as an ill-fated fairy tale.
It’s not because you enjoy collecting new male friends whenever you sashay into sweaty ‘sausage fests’ but, rather, because you’re not woman enough to reject a grown man (without pretending to be open to friendly companionship or locking his # in your iPhone as ‘Don’t Answer’) who, if he’s truly mature or raised right, would appreciate your honesty and happily move on to the next. I mean, let’s be real, how are you “friends” or even “cool” with me, my homeboy or the dude you met at the Urban Professionals mixer when you barely ever call to chat, tweet me, randomly exchange witty texts/BBMs, extend invitations to hit the bar/Starbucks or occasionally release a pigeon with a ‘Hello’-note as a symbol of thee smallest interest?
*(Interlude): Stranger #1 & Stranger #2’s (Alejandro) first phone conversation.
Alejandro: (*goofily geeked*) ‘Heeeeey, what’s up? This is Alejandro..from the mixer..almost didn’t think you’d pick up (*hopes she remembers without asking for more details or confusing me with someone else i.e. ‘what did you have on?’/’were you the one with the Coogie v-neck, skinny jeans & mandals?’*)
Stranger #1: (*Answers phone by accident..cusses under breath*) ‘Ohh, heey, ha, naw, I always pick up..but couldn’t find my Blackberry in my purse…I was wondering what happened to you to the other day (The Devil is a LIE!). It’s nice to hear from you (LIES!). How have you been?’
Alejandro: ‘Cant even complain, blessed..just thought I’d reach out and see what your schedule was like so we could maybe get up, do a lite lunch this week?
Stranger #1: ‘That sounds cool..um..I’m extra busy this week with work..but I’ll definitely let you know..oh, but hold on..no, better yet, lemme call you right back..this is my mama (BISH, that’s your homegirl) OK?
One week later.
Alejandro: (*Texts Stranger #1*) ‘I know you’re busy..just wanted to reach out, say hello..hopefully, we’ll get up soon.’
Stranger #1: ‘Who is this?’
Next day on Twitter, 10 a.m.
Stranger #1: ‘@stranger_1: Ugh. I swear I meet the thirstiest dudes who can’t take a hint. Yea, I gave u my # but that doesn’t mean I wanna talk to u. UGH!’
The End.
Ha, don’t trip. Your card? Pulled. This opens the doors of the Chuuch to every notorious male-friend-collector ready to: A) admit it’s whack to exchange numbers with someone you’re just not into no matter how guilty/threatened you feel saying ‘No’ B) realize friendships should never be used as jails, prisons or asylums for ‘undateables’ & C) recognize that some (well, 10 out of every 1.1 million) men are mature enough to be ‘just friends’ (while offering a valuable ‘male perspective’ on certain issues that the gay BFF..um..can’t).
‘Wait..what?! Say NO to thirsty strangers? End ‘friendship’ prisons? Stop fronting on close male friends?! Yea, I know. It’s nearly impossible, but necessary steps to end these severely-irksome ‘friend-zone’ games that make grown a$$ women look like cowardly ’lil High School birds who refuse to step outside their childish box into womanhood.
Pssh, because at this point, I’d rather be shut down by the flyest sista in Targét (natural-haired Stacey Dash+E.Badu’s quirkiness+Jill Scott’s spirit+Chelsea Handler’s sense of humor) than conveniently collected, locked inside friendship prison with no chance of parole or claimed as a friend by a perfect stranger (her) who couldn’t tell you my blog URL, alma mater or B-day without Facebook to save her unborn child’s life. But, then again, maybe it’s just me who feels like more “grown” men need to dead these estrogen-fueled b*tch-fits whenever they’re shut down by women (‘Fock you mean ‘NO..you’re really not interested’ B*TCH?!) and MAN thee fcuk up so ‘decent dudes’ like me (who enjoy doing random fun sh*t with cool chicks) can, one day, overcome the sheer impossibility of ‘grown-up friendship.’
What do you think?
Alejandro the Great
40 Responses to “The Impossibility of Grown-Up Friendship”
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I’m guilty of putting dudes in such zones…i wish i didn’t have to but as small as i am, sometimes dudes are quite threatening in size & it is hard for me to get them to shove off…and if i use the “i’m talking to/dating someone” line (whether a farce or truth) i also get hit with the “what’s that got to do with me” or “you can’t have friends” lines. Sometimes, i get a break and don’t ever hear from them or after the first or second time contacting me, they just stop.
For me, at times, it is hard to decipher what the intentions are, hence my apprehension of allowing a new guy to get to know me. I meet guys every once in a while but i’ve had enough experiences where their body language and/or words told me that they wanted something that really didn’t involve friendships but could use some privacy (basically, chex). I would love to met a decent guy that likes a lot of the same things that i do (like going to barnes & noble, starbucks, movies or south street seaport sans the riot) but that’s proven difficult right now in a sex driven society…#deepsigh.
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oh yea, great post Alejandro!
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I skip the entire “friend zone” and just plain say “No” to any advance, of any kind, if any, if I don’t like dude or if I get a “vibe”. Yes I’ll look like a b*tch but I don’t care, then I won’t have to deal with the awkwardness of me answering the phone and instantly rolling my eyes and him being able to tell immediately by my tone of voice; or avoiding the “hey how are you beautiful?” “oh, hey… um.. who’s this?” text…
Good post Alejandro!
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Oh and Daria is the ish! Miss her cartoons, along with Ren & Stimpy… lol… what you know about that! Lol…
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L. Dejean Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 1:45 am
#cosign Daria spoke to my soul back then!
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Lola Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 1:51 am
Daria was just one of my many eye openers lol I learned a lot lol her sarcastic ways especially lol
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L. Dejean Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:11 am
That’s what i loved most about her! I got some of my sarcasm from her, lol! I wished that i could’ve been that detached in high school but people didn’t like for me to be great back then with my big bookbag & high ambition…smh lol
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A.Smith Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Co-sign.
My friends called me Daria in high school. I thought I was more like Jane, but whatevs. I saw they have the first season on DVD. YES PLEASE.
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L. Dejean Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! That is a WIN! I must get my hands on it when i have spare funds! lol
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Yeaaaah I only friend zone you if I could of been interested and you have something about you that makes you not dateable.
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Didn’t we just learn the other day that this is just “anti-game” and should be done?
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Before I can even read this, please know how much I appreciate this picture of Dark-Skinned Daria…
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Mannnnn
This ish just ain’t as cut and dry as we try to make it round these parts.
You can’t say no to everyone. That’s just a fact. Dudes (and women, but — well, we ain’t talmbout women rat nigh) get all butt hurt, wanna ask you 50-11 questions about why not and so forth and so on. Sometimes giving them your number and doing the passive aggressive anti-game on the back end is the only option. Yeah, they’ll probably still get butt hurt, but at least it’s in their own living room, or their favorite bar — just somewhere where you aren’t.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
SMH….Lmao at the 21 questions as to why you are not giving up the number.
I can’t front some of us are persistent but to be honest there are too many women out there to ask why “SHE” won’t give you her number. Plus, no dude wants there time wasted. LOL…I don’t know what guys you are encountering but thats too much energy to ask why you won’t give them your number…lolol
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It’s difficult to gain friends after college. At that point, you have enough friends. Someone has to drop off in order to be replaced.
People are like seasons and all that cliche stuff.
But I see what you’re saying. There’s no point in alluding to a “friendship” when you aren’t looking for one. People, men and women, need to just understand that sometimes a good conversation, or a bad one for that matter, is just that.
No more, no less.
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I have tried to tell folks for me personally, platonic friendships with men got more and more difficult as I got older and sexier LOL, j/k no really LOL….
Some women have no problem maintaining these friendships but for me young, SMH LOL and then as I got wiser I thought why keep these dudes around if infact I know they like like me as more than a friend and I know that will never happen, so unselfishly I let them go, drift off, some still hang around on the outskirts but keep a “safe distance”.
Like I said some people can do it I guess but attraction is null and void for it to really work *orange crush shrug*
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Best blog ever. Your insights are exactly what need to be said and I reverberate every sentiment expressed in your musing, oh so profound. Thank you for voicing it!
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@L. Dejean & A.Smith Ladies, I feel you, and most women I spoke to about this issue agree, but how can we improve this situation, if at all? Please..lemme know..because, at some point, women need to realize that they’re imprisoning ALL the ‘dateables’ (who they claim don’t exist..in 2010) based off of a few negative experiences with the ‘thirsties.’
‘People, men and women, need to just understand that sometimes a good conversation, or a bad one for that matter, is just that.’
*It took me several years (22-25) to realize that every woman who smiles & makes eye contact during a casual elevator/waiting-in-the-Wal-Mart-line/lounge let-out convo might don’t WANT ME.
*By the way, I’d like to thank Slim & the good folks @ ’3 ways’ for inviting me to blog for the site. Yall have my Black Weblog Awards vote!
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Are you the Alejandro from that Lady Gaga song? I been wondering what exactly her beef was w/ you and Fernando. Care to share?
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Lola Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
#Muerta
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:31 pm
I was thinking the same thing. LMAO
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Sukez Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 7:09 pm
In Italy, they say #Morto. (I’ve never been but iDie.. slowly)
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A.Smith Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
People have to grow up just like you did.
Some women need to quit being so stank (so that men will learn that “stank” isn’t the only way a woman communicates disinterest) and some men need to learn every woman doesn’t want them (so more women will feel comfortable being kind).
But bottom line, I think everyone could stand to cut the generalizations. At least to a point. Maybe in a blog post when you’re talking to a lot of different types of people a generalization works as far as being concise and poignant goes, but in the day-to-day — that doesn’t work.
Can’t make current folks pay for past folks missteps… and running anti-game on someone does just that.
In the real world though, until I complete my plans for world domination and I’m able to control how children are raised from the very beginning… we’ll all have to figure it out on an individual basis, I suppose.
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L. Dejean Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 7:15 pm
People have to grow up just like you did.
^^^Co-sign
And i think that people need to work on being real & sincere with their intentions from jump street. If you wanna f*ck, let me know so i can be on my merry way but if you want to truly get to know me, let me know that too so we can sit and have a conversation before I decide whether or not to give you my number.
Dudes need to stop being intimidating or rude when they meet chicks so that they 1) don’t feel forced to give their number or 2) don’t feel unsafe because she refused & now dude is cussing her out ever chance he gets every time she passes him where ever they met. We understand the testosterone coursing through your veins but what we do know is that if we have to use self defense, we will & it will be taken into consideration in the court of law. Even when I wasn’t trying to be rude, I’ve gotten cussed out…learn to bow out gracefully.
Bring positivity and not negativity in their life space so that they would want you around.
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Far too many times I have tried to decline giving my number out to a guy and got cussed out. So I’d rather peacefully give a guy I am not interested in my number so that he can move the hell on with out causing a scene.
Just because a guy is in the “friend zone” is not the end of the world.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
“Just because a guy is in the “friend zone” is not the end of the world.”
True but it’s actually the end of any further pursuit from a males perspective. Friend zone = the infinite penalty box…..
**kanye shrug** its true!
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
LOL…
Friend zone = no box!
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@1SouthernGIrl Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 4:02 pm
*shrug* everybody isn’t dating material.
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Alejandro….
Great post man!! I think most of us men that are 25+ years old won’t get hurt if women don’t want to give us play. I realized the other day I’d rather not hear the cliche term…”hey lets be friends” if you are not interested in me. That’s when I’ll cue in the Ed Lover ‘C’mon Son’ sign….we are too old for that!!
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@1SouthernGIrl Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 3:54 pm
so you think that there is no need for friendships after 25?
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Depends on the individual. But speaking for myself, I have a good amount of female friends and I don’t see the reason as to why I’d need anymore. I have my set of female friends to answer those specific questions for me and whom I have developed lasting friendships with over the years.
If i’m in the mindstate to be actively looking for a monogamus relationship with a woman and that doesn’t happen then I don’t see a reason to be friends. I already have enough to begin with…
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
*Monogamous
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Alejandro! Hi. I’m Suki & I like friends but allow me to put these lyrics first:
“Cause who you think you just mislead,
Is boo-boo written on my forehead,
I done bought them drinks..B!tch you my girlfriend!,
I don’t wanna hear that sh!t bout just came out to have a nice time and just chill”
(Lil Duval, B!tch, You IS My Girlfriend)
Okay. So that whole misleading thing is messed up. I’ve definitely turned down numbers and collected a couple the last time I went somewhere. BUT I used them. I mean, it was clear what the guy wanted
ass, duhbut I made myself CRYSTAL CLEAR that I didn’t want that and what we agreed upon was to just be friends and talk. I held up my end of the bargain by keeping in touch and they.. well they have a choice to either comply or SCRAM. I hold no one’s hand. I’m here to be your friend. Unless I’m pushing forthe peensomething else, get back shorty. I really don’t know you like that.I do hate the thirsty dude who turns into a complete b!tch over Twitter and has to get his sh!t split. Okay, I’m done. Great post
Oh and if I didn’t answer the question, being led on = NEVER cool.
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I dont wanna be yo friend if I tried to bag. I’m trying to eff yo assss not yo aspirations (shouts to Wale). Just say no and keep it moving. However, if u gave me yo #, chances are that I’m not calling anyway
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QueenT Reply:
August 5th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
Then why even ask?
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Oh man, this topic opens a few can for me…
I blame men, and absolve women totally
Personally, I don’t ask for numbers of women (#completewasteoftime)
Because there are too many women, who play too many technology games, and mess it up for the sincere, honest women who will let you know what it is, what it is…
Instead she has to take my number, who aggressively give me hers… Or fcuk me on the spot… It’s time efficient…
I wouldn’t ask women to stop playing games, because honestly, there are alot of dangerous guys out there (some of them are latently dangerous)… But as a well meaning guy, I have to protect my sanity… If a guy hasn’t beat the p*ssy within 30 days. MOVE ON… There are too many other women that want to bust a nut with you in that same period of time, that are smarter, cuter, & more honest then the girl who is playing those types of games, those types of women are usually bad in bed anyway… If they are playing so many games, then they are not having sex… So again they are a (#completewasteoftime)
#MakeTheHOsayNO and move on…
Adonis
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@Toni It’s nice to know someone appreciates Dark-skinded Daria bc it went over the heads of the more ‘basic’ folk of FB. #noshade
@L. Dejean & A.Smith Question: OK, sooo there’s no hope for us breaking free from these friend-zone shackles? Oh..OK.
@1SouthernGIrl ‘Just because a guy is in the “friend zone” is not the end of the world.’—Stated like a true friendship prison wardon. #cmonboo give them free. PLEASE.
@Slim LOL @ ‘Big Meech’ questioning my GaGa gangsta..Hilarious.
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L. Dejean Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 1:05 am
no, i don’t think there is no hope of guys breaking free from the friend zone…that is where i would look to a potential mate from…i just would like for guys to not intimidate chicks into giving their numbers (if you saw how short I was, you’d understand). If a guy is sincere in wanting to get to know me then he should be persistent (a guy I met a few years back was like that, we didn’t meet at a club though, and I gave him a chance)…it just depends on the approach after the phone number is given.
I wouldn’t even say a dude is in the friend zone if he is being ignored cause I definitely don’t ignore my friends (though i may forget to call them back at times =0/, my bad).
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I feel your frustrations in a different way. I, admittedly have shoved several men into the “friend-I’m-never-gonna-hit-you-up-again” category, but this is only after I’ve had one TEXT message conversation where they ask me the basics, then feel appropriate to ask what my favorite sex positions are…GOODBYE.
Anyway to my point, I feel your frustrations, selfishly from my perspective. If I had a man approach me in the way you approached stranger #1 I would NOT consider that “the thirst” in any way shape or form. The thirst is the aforementioned ^^^. What I’m trying to say is that I wish I’ve encountered more men like you, who are genuinely interested in a platonic friendship.
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