Visit Our Store!
Get ‘Em, Don’t Keep ‘Em
See, You Want to Go for the One in the Short Skirts...
Happy New Year to you! Before 2010 hit, I did my best to take the time to reflect on the present and more importantly where I wanted to be in the future. In the weeks I had off, I had plenty of time to think about my career, my writing, my goals and my relationships. Yes, there is a softer side to me, but I’m definitely not pulling an emo cat moment. I just thought about my current relationship and, in a bigger perspective, thought about how a lot of marriages have been dissolving lately. And, as Ms. Jenkins’ pointed out yesterday, how for some people they’re not happening at all. Sure women, of all races, can be… difficult – they’re a different being all together. But I felt it was more necessary not to look at their shortcomings, but my own. What I can control. And after much thought, I realized that I never really learned how to keep a woman.
If you were to ask me how to pick up, get, bag, etc. a woman, I’d have no problem answering. Meeting women has never been tough. Whether it turned into something more than a casual conversation was to be determined, but being extroverted has its pluses. Even more than that, I was taught how to attract a woman. Correction, I was taught how to get women. Encouraged too. My uncles, male cousins, friends and my father all delivered pointers in getting digits, and more. Always in the plural. Culturally, it was cooler to be a dude with several nickels than one dime (one of many lessons from the G.O.D. & The Book of Grime).
One can’t blame everything on culture, but it is a good indicator of what’s going on with the people. For example, it’s no coincidence that the music about loving one woman is gone and has been replaced by tracks about being a pimp. Or having more chicks on the bench than the LA Clippers. Beyond music, juggling several women was easier and sometimes “cooler” than having one solid girl to my peers. Which may be the move when you’re young, dumb and full of… yeah… but at a certain point the lessons for bagging chicks are less important than those on how to successfully keep one woman. My lack of tutorials have resulted in some flights that were far from Cloud Nine. I’ve had some relationships where I crashed and burned right on the runway and some high altitude cruises followed by spectacular crashes that should be on a late night SpikeTV show.
Sure the ladies in my family gave me some talking tos, but how was that supposed to compete with all the other things in my ear? As a result it went right over my head.
Maybe I’m getting softer than Gerber as I get older, maybe my perspective is changing, maybe my closest friends beginning to build families have shook up my innocent world or maybe, God forbid, I’m just not a Toys R Us kid anymore. Either way, this not so new revelation is wearing on me a little and gasp – could explain the other side of Black women’s dwindling dating pool.
Maybe I’m the only dude who’s lacked these tutorials, but I doubt it. Why is it that this generation of men’s focus has shifted? Could it because we young men are a generation or two generations from a group of men that abandoned their responsibilities? Could it be that the influx of single women has made us no longer want to find one great woman and instead play the field? Or maybe I was just too young to get the one woman talk from Pops. Either way, tell a brother your theory.
Seattle – Don’t Worry I’ll Be Spitting Uncouth Sh*# Next Week – Washington
32 Responses to “Get ‘Em, Don’t Keep ‘Em”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
RSS & Twitter
-
Interesting post. Always good to see the male perspective when it comes to issues on relationships.
Society and mimicking poor role models are definitely guilty culprits in the couldn’t-find-a-brother-if-you-wanted dilemma many women face.
Hopefully, with age comes maturity and keepin’ ‘em will seem a lot more appealing than gettin’ ‘em.
Reply
I had a long talk with one of my married male friends a few months ago about the “work” of marriage and he said that being married is the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. He said that every morning you get up and a small part of you has die. You have to constantly remind yourself that you are not responsible only to yourself and therefore there are going to be things that you want that just can’t happen and priorities that might have to come second to someone else’s wants and needs. It’s a daily compromise.
I think in this age of instant gratification and self-importance, men (and some women too) just aren’t willing to do that.
I had to interview my dad a few years back for a class on Black Family and I asked him what his goals were growing up. His answer totally shocked me…
He said his goal growing up was to get married and have a family of his own. Not to be rich or ball out, or even be successful. He wanted a family. I don’t think I know any man my age who has that as a primary life goal. I asked him what it was like being married when he was my age and he said it was empowering. He said being married and raising a family in the 70s felt like you were uplifting the community and doing something to help the struggle. Many of his childhood friends were mixed up in drugs and crime and were just wasting their lives whereas he felt like he was doing something positive.
It was very clear from our conversation that he felt like being a good husband and father was part of what makes a man a man.
Reply
Anger Management Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Wow, I’m shocked by that response as well. Did your father pass on this attitude to your brothers, if you had any?
Reply
Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Much to my dad’s chagrin he only had daughters (me and my sister). He’s never put pressure on me to get hitched but I know he would rest a little easier if I were married. I’m sure he’d also be more than happy to take a son-in-law and some grandsons as a nice consolation prize for having to put up with all this estrogen for so many years lol.
Reply
So I think that the “keeping a woman” lesson happens for us on-the-job, thru trial and error, and through studying other relationships. I’ve heard and seen enough to think I know a little bit on this topic, but im far from an expert. I share your concern young sir, and I’m eager to see the sentiments of the rest of the 3ways community!
Reply
I blame T-Pain. His love for Autotune, strippers, bartenders and other women who work for tips has left the people with less desire for what’s real in the world.
Bring back Boyz to Men and some Case and we’ll all be ok.
But for real. I think its not just dudes. Women are in the same boat as men. We’ve all been spoiled and become selfish. Doing anything in a relationship beyond what brings us instant gratification has become pointless, cuz ain’t nobody else doing it.
Its gotten increasingly harder to wait until you copulate a relationship. Most dudes don’t treat a lady anymore unless it means he’s paying for sex. Lots of girls won’t put out unless it means she’s getting something she wants. It’s no longer about companionship and finding a lifelong mate, its about having a buddy… who provides sex, company during events and outings and someone to buy you presents on your bday.
I do think, as we get older and start to look at the rest of our lives, we naturally become more willing to compromise and be the person we need to be in order for a relationship to be successful. But both people have to be at that point. Most failed marriages I’ve seen came from one or both of the parties never learning to grow the eff up.
Mr. Washington, at least you recognize you have faults. You’ll be aight.
Reply
I’m heartened by your commentary and the fact that you recognized that you are apart of an equation that won’t work without you being a responsible party.
Too often woman shoulder (whether willingly or not) the responsibility of a successful/failed relationship. How many times have we heard “what you won’t do another woman will?” Women are always told what they have to do to get and keep a man, what kind of person she’s supposed to be, what kind of monkey flipping she’s supposed to do…you get the picture.
Of course, there’s usually a line or two thrown in about men to keep it “even” but really, as soon as that’s said it’s forgotten and the focus of the relationship goes back to what she’s supposed to do.
So I’m glad to see a man get serious for a minute and admit that, in essence, he doesn’t know what the hell to do either, lol.
Reply
juggling several women was easier and sometimes “cooler” than having one solid girl to my peers
And you could’ve halted the post right there. I think that’s at the crux of it all — it’s easier to juggle a bunch and not commit than to work at a relationship with just one. This just goes to show you how truly hard relationships are…
Meanwhile, I agree with Dot Dot Dot — there’s been a cultural shift that puts the focus all on ME! Everyone thinks they’re the most important person and everything should happen when and where they want. That’s why men think it’s ok to spend half of their adult life juggling women and some, on occasion, playing with women’s emotions to get what they want. It’s why some women have a hard time understanding why everything else about their life is in place and on time except for the relationship thing.
No one wants to sacrifice anymore. Techonology, society and whatever the hell else has made it easier to focus on yourself. We create facebook profiles, blogs, twitter accounts, worlds even, all about ourselves but relationships are the one things that haven’t kept up with the times. They’re still just as hard, if not harder and they still require a lot of work and effort on the part of 2 people.
Anytime I start thinking about marriage, I think of a couple I’ve known for almost 15 years. Growing up and watching their relationship, I remember thinking the husband was a punk. From the outside looking in, it looked like he was always giving in to his wife’s whims. She wanted it this way, she got it this way. She wanted it that way 20 minutes later, she got it that way 20 minutes later (pause). What I began to realize as I got older, though, was she had made many sacrifices of her own, including a career, so that he could achieve his own personal goals. There was and still is a LOT of give and take in that relationship and I know that it’s not been easy but the one thing I know they know without ever talking about it is that for each of them, the last 25+ years haven’t been about anything or anybody but the other one. It’s a lot to take in and plays into why I know marriage is still a ways off for me (me being sans a serious relationship not withstanding)…
At some point, we gotta get serious.
Reply
*waves from behind the bars*
I think you hit the nail on the head here… “Culturally, it was cooler to be a dude with several nickels than one dime.” And like you said, its just easier. Its easier for women too. Being in a relationship takes work.
Men and women find every reason not to put that work in which is fine. But for some reason, people have issues being honest with each other and themselves. I think thats where the big issues are created.
Reply
CHeeKZ Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:17 am
‘Being in a relationship takes work.’
Its not that I don’t agree. Its just the idea of calling it work. I’m at work right now… I hate it. If I ever feel like this about my wifey, we have a problem. I would prefer we called the difficult conversations and adjustments “working out”. Like exercising, it hurts when you are doing it, but the effects make you feel great about yourself as long as you keep it up.
Reply
MeteorMan Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:40 am
I see your point. “Work” is something that can grow old and mundane. We all hope we don’t begin to have a marriage with the same or similar stigma as the worst/most boring job we’ve every experienced. It does take “effort,” but so does sex and we never get tired of that.
Reply
CHeeKZ Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:30 pm
“but so does sex and we never get tired of that.”
true… unless we are talking about s@x with a condom. I’m sick of that..
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
*giggles*
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
“I would prefer we called the difficult conversations and adjustments “working out”. Like exercising, it hurts when you are doing it, but the effects make you feel great about yourself as long as you keep it up.”
Hmm. “Working Out”. I like that, booski.
Reply
CHeeKZ Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
thank you snugglelovedrops!
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
Duly noted.
Reply
Ms. Cherry Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:03 am
co-sign!
Laziness is one of the biggest causes of failed relationships. People like to skirt around issues, brush ish under the rug, put a
fakesmile on their face and then Kanye shrug away their problems.This goes for any relationship be it with a SO, a friend, or a family member. People need to get to a point where they don’t see conflict as a threat but as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Reply
I like the viewpoint that you took on this one. Many times we (media, bloggers, reagular convo) address the appeal of getting in a relationship. I think that the “appeal” of a relationship is pretty established. Many times (not all, probably not most) men also want to have substantial relationships. But we suck at them too.
I also like that you didnt focus on marriage. Many men and women think that even though they were sh*tty boyfs and gfs they will soon straighten up and fly right as soon as its time to get married. We are very wrong, as we are creatures of habit and relationships before marriage are where we create the habits that we will follow in our marriage.
Reply
Renee Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:13 am
I so co-sign, esp. on that last paragraph. Its not to say people can’t change, but I don’t understand why people think Marriage will fix everything.
I think women sometimes project characteristics onto a man after they get married. Like you want to believe you’re marrying your prince who is kind, sweet, romantic, ect, instead of realizing you’re marrying a man who will still have all his faults after you say “I Do”. People just shouldn’t go into marriage expecting change, especially for the better.
Reply
MeteorMan Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 11:42 am
It’s crazy because I’ve seen people (who are not married) have children for the same reason: thinking it will “fix” everything.
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
I dunno why people think being tied to someone forever or making a baby will fix ish. Those people are often severely jaded and/or in denial.
Reply
Good to be back…
I’m pretty good at this relationship stuff. Even though I’m a young guy, I just find myself in long relationships. I communicate, I express my feelings, I slow stroke, I clean. I’m not going to say I can make any relationship work or that I always do what is best for the relationship. However, I KNOW how to make it work. I just don’t want to do ALL the things (heck, no one can).
And its not that I think I’m a genius, I think most of my boys have seen enough romantic comedies (anything with Ryan Reynolds is good and I got to be honest, I liked “He is just not that into you”) to know how to keep a marriage going. They just don’t want too. Heck if I didn’t meet this great woman at such a young age, I wouldn’t want to either.
Men are very practical. So they will just compare their options: The lifestyle or this one girl. NO reasonable man is going to pass up on Sanaa Lathan’s character in Brown Sugar (the ULTIMATE WIFEY!) just to keep make it rain on amateur Mondays at club onyx. They just need to find their Sanaa.. and if you are not it, don’t hate. Now, I know a few dudes that found their loves too early, a couple of times they weren’t willing to sacrifice something specific, relationships flat out fail.. but that doesn’t mean black men aren’t incapable of holding them.
Reply
CVal Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:04 am
Co-sign
Reply
Seattle I feel your pain man. As a young Black male, I too grew up in an environment where sexing as many women as possible was strongly encouraged. I never witness a single monogamous relationship growing up. Fortunately that made infidelity disgusting to me. But I must agree with Streetz that keeping a woman is trial and error.
First of all, let’s acknowledge that women speak another language. It sounds like english but it’s not. Then put that with the various personalities and issues that come with different women, there’s no sure-fire way to keep a woman.
I do believe that certain things make your job easier, such as kindness, attentiveness, and compromising. But most women don’t notice that stuff because it’s to be expected. I think where many of us Black males were led astray came when nobody told us how to love a woman. Sure we might know the tricks for sexing ‘em. But women need emotional love too and the longer the relationship the deeper the emotional connection should be. That’s also why I believe many of us need a rotation of chicks, it keeps us from having to be vulnerable and developing that deep emotional connection. Nobody wants to feel like a juicy steak in the lion’s den. But to develop those deep feelings you gotta be willing to put yourself out there. If i’m fortunate enough to get married (something I definitely want to do) I’ll be sure to teach my son that loving a woman is more important than sexing her, but he better be good at both. Don’t disrespect the namesake! lol
Reply
N.I.A. naturally Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:26 am
But women need emotional love too and the longer the relationship the deeper the emotional connection should be. That’s also why I believe many of us need a rotation of chicks, it keeps us from having to be vulnerable and developing that deep emotional connection.
co-sign 187%!!
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
For real!
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 10:28 am
I’ma have to go ahead and cosign this as well.
Reply
Cheekie Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 12:09 pm
“But women need emotional love too and the longer the relationship the deeper the emotional connection should be. That’s also why I believe many of us need a rotation of chicks, it keeps us from having to be vulnerable and developing that deep emotional connection.”
*nods*
And I think that’s why I think men have what’s “soft” and what’s not all backwards. Yeah, society tells you that showing your emotions is soft, but ya’ll know it ain’t easy to be vulnerable. In fact, it may be the hardest thing to do in life for a lot of folks. To me, nothing is stronger that a man letting his walls down for the person he loves. THAT, to me, ain’t soft. It’s hard as hell…which is a good thing (pause).
Sure, the brothas may say a nicca is weak for being vulnerable and Carl Thomas emotional and whatnot, but I’m not talkin’ about being a dayum crybaby. I’m talking about opening your heart. Nothing simp about that, IMO. And this goes for a lot of women. Like you said, we need emotional love. And for real, who the eff ya’ll tryin’ to impress more, your brothas or your sistas?
Reply
“Maybe I’m getting softer than Gerber as I get older, maybe my perspective is changing, maybe my closest friends beginning to build families have shook up my innocent world or maybe, God forbid, I’m just not a Toys R Us kid anymore. ”
It’s the latter, definitely. You’re just growing up and caring less about what others want for you, you’re doing what you want for you. I mean, there comes a time when looking like a playa to your fellow brothas is gonna make you end up alone. You know when it’s time to settle down.
Alls I’m sayin’ is, you don’t wanna be that 40-plus year old greasy Charlie Wilson lookin’ mofo up in the club still tryna get chicks’ digits.
Reply
Ok. Honestly, I don’t think it requires a verbal version of “How to love a woman for dummies” during adolescence for us to get it right. Some things are trial and error, but also many things are just a measure of how much you want them. Frankly, we all are guilty of thinking we want something without knowing ourselves well enough to know if we really want it or even knowing what that thing we call ourselves wanting is.
Looking at the flip side of people getting married very early on in their adulthood lives. The emotions may exist and the “connection” may be there, but many don’t consider the likely impact on themselves as well as take the time to know themselves well enough to understand what they can give and what they are willing to take. This blind-folded approach, I think, is a main cause of failed marriages regardless of age. This can bring about infidelity, lack of communication, distance, the creation of drama, etc… How many of you women have realized at some point in your younger days that you was only in love with the idea or image of being married or having a family? On both ends, it takes an understanding of what you really want.
Moral: Not knowing yourself can hurt others who feel they know you.
While its all good and all to think: “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my wifey.” How many of us will sit down and think about what that means?
Also, guys are simple. As someone said above, its about how much a guy wants to make that happen. Its not like there’s some default mindset that all us guys have until our mid-twenties. Many of this comes for a combination of us not knowing or trying to get to know ourselves as well as just not coming across that person to help us break that threshold. Some women may need that in order to get over how some dude hurt them in the past, the same is for some guys. The alleged temporal disconnection of the emotional needs between the genders doesn’t exist. But rather a mirage and a collection of excuses. Yeah I said it! Just like women, men have to feel inclined to make certain choices. So if you and dude has been going out for a while and you feel it time, but guy decides to move on that doesn’t make him a sucky guy. It just means nothing struck him. At the sometime, homie has to be open to certain possibilities and willing to know himself well enough offer something within a unit.
The obligatory ‘I must do X for a woman’ gets hairy and can send the wrong message. In the world of guys that don’t do ‘X’, if a guy does ‘X’ for her, then she’s gonna assume that he’s really digging her beyond ‘X.’ Now dude may just be doing what he thinks he should do. This is where communication comes in and a homie should ask how she internalizes certain actions and every woman will do it differently for different reasons.
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
“Frankly, we all are guilty of thinking we want something without knowing ourselves well enough to know if we really want it or even knowing what that thing we call ourselves wanting is.”
True story.
Reply
Hmmm … I don’t know.
I think its not that big of a problem it just a good issue to talk about. Like peep
Out of my original college crew of 8. Two are married, one is engaged, one is recently divorced and has a girl, one is in a long-term relationship (about 3 years now), one has a girl he doesn’t claim, and the other one is just coming off a relationship. I’m like the only bachelor really.
I think most guys who have game, end up in a relationship. They just do it when the choose to. Guys with no game, end up in a relationship as soon as they can.
The reason we never get the one man/one girl convo is because its unnecessary. Soon or later you, get tired of juggling girls, and you see the matrix for what it is. And then you have a choice, keep pimping or go that other route. Both are hard work, just different types of hard work.
P.S. Writing this its fucked up, but i realized the majority of the people who i know that are single (not by choice) are girls.
Reply