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Being the Heartbreaker
Whenever people talk about the pain of a break up, its almost always from the perspective of the person whose heart got stomped on. True, because this person doesn’t expect the break up, they may experience some initial shock and such because they got hit with the sucka punch. Yeah, this is sad. ::plays tiny violin:: We have all been there before. It hurts. Like hell. For quite some time. However, what about the person who has to be the one to say “This just ain’t gonna work anymore,” or “I need something more,” or “You’re d- game is lame.“ Being that person isn’t fun.
As one who has been the heartbreaker, I know for sure how much this role sucks. When you get to a point where you feel like things are not going down a path that will lead to love, peace, and happiness, it messes with you. I constantly found myself wondering if I was just missing something. Maybe I was being unappreciative. Or maybe I wasn’t accepting the love in the “right” way. Whatever that means. So I found myself, for quite some time (almost a year), trying to decide if I was really unhappy. I kept testing the waters. I feared what would happen if I no longer had this man in my life. Did I really want to be alone? Single? ::gasp:: Damn those thoughts were scary at the time. What it really came down to though, was that I didn’t know how to tell the man who was in love with me that I was no longer in love with him. Damn.
I finally worked up the nerve to tell him how I was feeling. It was more like, “What are we really doing here? Are we really happy?” (Me trying to put some of the burden on him) The timing could not have been worse…it was the eve of 3 years for us. But when it comes to heartbreak, can there ever really be good timing? After the initial conversation, we had more over the next few days, with me trying to soften the blow (“It’s not you, its me”) and him trying to make sense of it all.
At the end of the whole thing, I felt terrible for breaking his heart, yet relieved for freeing mine. “Damn Sowhatiff, that’s messed up.” Is it really though? The person who initiates the break up is always the bad (girl) guy, but it was a decision I needed to make for myself. When something isn’t right, you can’t force it. I kept hearing that tiny voice (woman’s intuition) for a while and ignored it, which only made things worse. After almost 2 years since the break up, I still feel bad sometimes. But then again, I think I’d feel even worse if I stayed with someone or in a relationship where I was not completely happy.
Have you ever had to be the “bad guy” and end the relationship? Or if someone broke up with you, have you ever considered the pain the he or she experienced from losing you, or causing you pain? Speak on it. Don’t be shy.
Sowhatiff – I want to break free – Jenkins
aka
Ms.- Nope, his tears don’t phase me - Jenkins
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Wait…I’m still laughing at him.
Breaking up doesn’t phase me at all. In fact, by the time I do it…we’ve been broken up in my mind for a while!
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myndseye Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I agree with this. Saying it out loud is just a formality.
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Typically, I’m not the heartbreaker. I mean, there were guys that I’ve dated that I just stopped calling, but in my actual settled relationships (when I still did those) I’m never the one who pulls away first. But when I notice that’s HE’S pulling away consistently I’ll end it before he does because in my experience guys will let ish drag on at least until they get a new source of regular sex. I refuse to be a placeholder, so at that point I’ll cut it off. However since the guy has already begun his mental break-up, I’ve never had to break any hearts as much as release dead weight.
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myndseye Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Wow! I’ve done this too. He’ll start actin funny or I will suspect him of cheating, so I even the score, then break up. Well, I used to even the score 1st when I was younger, now I just get rid of him.
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I have only had one real relationship and he broke up with me. I hated his guts and couldnt’ understand why, since he really never gave me an explanation.
Being the heartbreak-er is a scary thing to me, I couldnt’ imagine hurting a person… this is why a relationship is a little scary.
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Great Post, Ms. Jenk
I used to always think of the hurt involved in being the heartbreaker…which is why I’ve never allowed myself to be in that position. Of the few relationships I’ve been in, the relationship was over for me both mentally and emotionally before it “officially” ended. I, first, mentally and emotionally detach myself and assume he’d notice and do the same. The convos got shorter, the calls were less frequent, and it just kinda fell off. I don’t know that we ever had “the talk,” but it was very much implied that whatever we had was dead.
Is this the best way to handle it? Hrmm…for a very emotionally guarded person? Yes.
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The worse is when you dont see it coming, i think that just aint fair….
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 10:46 am
agreed.
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Excellent post here Ms. Jenkins. Excellent post. Got me thinkin’ this morning…
I hate being the heartbreaker. I’ve avoided dumping chicks before cuz I didn’t wanna be that guy. Actually, there was a time where I avoided deading the relationship and fell off the map all together. Made no calls and had no talk. I was just done for a multitude of legitimate reasons, and I honestly didn’t feel like having my message fall upon deaf ears. I made it clear that I wouldn’t “be the bad guy” and end it so that she could travel across the internets spreading bad info about me and how I “broke her heart” even though she knew it needed to be ended. I left that talk up to her and the chick at the time opted to just do nothing. Out of sight out of mind is a beautiful thing sometimes.
There was another time though, where I quickly clubbed the baby seal. This one chick blew my phone up 20 times in a matter of minutes while I was on a trip and wanted to be a public make out monster every time other women were around. One day I stood outside of a party, called her, deaded the relationship, then went in the party and had a grand ol time. Actually, it was one of the best nights of my life. I hadn’t had a three week relationship since like middle school until this point. It still cracks me up.
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I’ve had to be the heartbreaker and its hard as hell. I’m a very giving person and I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. Its great when things just fizzle away but sometimes you have to cut the chord.
One day I’ll write a blog about my stalker … maybe today
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Slim Jackson Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Hopefully your stalker doesn’t read your blog…
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 12:36 pm
I can’t wait to read that entry.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Oh…they’re reading…And happy for the face time. “I still have a chance!!”
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I’ve been the heartbreak too many times. It’s hard and having been in that position I understand why guys tend to just fade away instead of sitting a girl down and explaining to them why they are leaving. Everytime I’ve had the breakup talk it hasn’t gone well. Tears and anger are involved and it just gets messy. Towards the end of my dating days I started to just disappear instead of explain, it was just a lot easier.
Hopefully being the heartbreaker or breakee is something I never have to go through again.
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I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum, and I too hate being the one to end it. I wouldnt say I enjoy having my heartbroken, but if there were a heartbreak court, yours truly would beat the charges. That’s not to say I can just walk away from situations cold hearted, but when you sit back and start missing the person and trying to figure where you went wrong, you have to also remember what ultimately led you to break up w/ that person, or if you were the one that got dumped, just understand that there’s only so much you can do to make someone love you. And if no one else loves you, Mary Jane will.
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I’ve been the heartbreaker. it hurt me to hurt someone else…but it was like a burden lifted for real! it was too heavy to keep putting on knowing that the love was long gone. I lost serious weight too…cuz the turmoil leading up to the break up seriously stressed me out…bad thing is we called it “a break” and we kinda lingered on for months afterwards…I guess I was too punk to make a clean getaway…..
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I guess because I’m a person that needs closure, falling off the map does not sit well with me. Its selfish. Its even less cool when the other person thinks things are going well, and then poof… you pull a disappearing act.
I guess there are times when the other person can sense that something just ain’t right anymore. But even still, I think just leaving without saying anything is worse than the actual fact that its over. Because at least then the person can get a chance to react to the whole thing, instead of having to wonder and ask questions that yield no answers because their ex is no where to be found.
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I think the worst part about being the heartbreaker as a dude, is that the tears and stuff trick us into getting back in the relationship. Its happened to me before
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Heartbreak Kid Reply:
March 16th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Or sex. Dirty dirty sex.
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I have been the “heartbreaker” or just the stronger one… when you get into an argument with a friend they say the stronger one usually speaks up first, I think the same principle is applicable when ending a relationship. I have never ended a serious relationship for no reason, or because of ADD. I believe in second ,and only second, chances but I also cannot ignore the big ass butterflies in my tummy, a.k.a intuition that never steers me wrong. Also chances are the person on the other end, although at the moment maybe distracted by the comforting P, is getting those feelings too.
With non-serious relationships I have just fallen off b4…or I’ve made it “clear” (not picking up my phone, cancelling plans, answering with “idk” to everything) that I have lost interest. I agree that falling off is wrong..so I hope to never do that again, karma is a bitch….a mean mean bitch!
I have also had my heart broken and snapped into a trillion pieces. Not to sound cocky/arrogant whateva, but anyone who did that has attempted to crawl right back on their pathetic ashy knees…
I think breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you have to go into detail as to why necessarily, because 9 times out of ten they will not hear the words that are coming out of your mouth. Your break-up reason should be brief, “your fired”! Ok not that brief….lol
I have found that the best way to stick to your decision to break up is to mean it…meaning no break-up to make-up one last chance sex and occasional calls to “check up” on the other person. They are grown and do not need your taunting and teasing….
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i’ve always been the heartbreaker. its not a good role to assume but i know what makes me happy and in the end thats what matters most. i know it sounds harsh and callous, but whats the point of staying with a person when your heart is not in it.
i hate hurting someone who has feelings for me but when love is gone, love is gone. there is no need in playing the role to save someone else’s feelings. in the end you will do you both a big favor by saving anymore time from being wasted.
i’m still cool with all my ex’s (with the exception of one) and i think thats because i was upfront about my feelings. i’m sure it hurt them at first but they were able to get over the initial pain and see that i had both of our best interests at heart.
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I, too, have played both roles. Neither of them is comfortable, yet we can all agree: the heartbreaker has more power – period. Being the heartbroken is not as controllable as being the actual heartbreaker in most cases.
I don’t think being a heartbreaker is a bad thing, unless that’s your steelo. If you’re uncomfortable in a relationship, by all means seek personal comfort and contentment. Unless, as Tunde posted, you’re ALWAYS the heartbreaker. If you’re ALWAYS the heartbreaker, in my opinion, there’s something wrong with that. You’re probably always looking for an out, a way to beat the other person to the punch, a way to pull out and not be the one holding the bag should the relationship, as most of them do, dissolve. The perpetual “heartbreaker” has indeed been the “heartbroken” at least once, I’d say. Stop frontin’. You cried, snotted, and walked around with an uncomfortable knot in your stomach and decided you didn’t want to ever go through that again, and you know you did. ANYwayz…
I had to call for the end of a 6 year relationship with my child’s father. It wasn’t easy. It took me about 6 months of contemplation, weighing the pros and cons, understanding my decision would make me a single mother (which I didn’t want to be), and knowing every night I went to bed I was, truly, truly unhappy. We both cried for a long, long time and HE thought we could make it work, but as someone said – in my mind it was over a long time before I actually said the words.
If you’ve ever been heartbroken, when you become the heartbreaker (a role you’ll have to assume SOMEday, I’m sure), be considerate and avoid being unnecessarily spiteful, hateful or mean. Karma, my friends, is a monster.
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Never been a heartbreaker. If given the occasion, I would probably pull some version of “it’s not you, it’s me” to try to be considerate of their feelings.
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Unfortunately for me I’ve been there except my situation is a bit more complicated. I’m quite attractive, young, and a model. I have many male friends and not many female friends, most guys I meet end up having a thing for me even when I want nothing like that with them, then they become obsessed and start calling and saying they love me and want me to dump my fiance and be with them. My fiance and I have many problems right now anyways, and I plan on leaving, but I also don’t want another relationship. So most of these guys end up with broken hearts or get angry at me for not taking them. I don’t understand it. Anybody else go through that day to day?
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hi i met a girl who broke up wit her guy n she told me hw evrything tht happen btw both of them n i found tht b4 tht i aspire to be her friend n now i tried call her, txting her, advice n also takin her for lunch n stuff lyk tht. please wht way/step will i tak toward her to be my girl friend n my best friend. bcos i hv so much find that i can’t do witout her
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Wow, very nice post man.
And out of every relationship I’ve ever been in, I only had to be the heart breaker in one. It’s freaking kills me, because I know how I felt when I got my heart broken. It kills you inside and out, and takes time before you can go out there and start again, but now I’M the one inflicting that same pain on another person and I just hate it.
I hate being the girl that just “stops calling” or doesn’t “hit you up” after a while is things don’t go well, I prefer telling them face to face or at least in some form and I expect the same. Granted the relationship I was in wasn’t really going anywhere, the guy was a douche, had no job, smoked all the time, lied about a few things and acted like a complete asshole 3 times but I still hate myself for having to be that person with the jar of broken hearts. Funny thing, I was just thinking about all that you posted on your blog just a few minutes before I found it lol…
Hopefully in the next one, it either goes the way it should go or doesn’t get to the point where I have to be that “bad” girl – aka the heart breaker.
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ive been seeing 2 people for a while now and there as never been any guilt there so i think id make the perfect heart breaker lol
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