Hey Baby, Do You Mind If I…
I’m guessing that at least 90% of us have been in 1 serious relationship during our lifetime. A select few of us are actually married. There are common courtesies out there, and then there are other relationship specific obligations. Today’s topic was proposed by Gisell, a reader that hit me up to cover this one. Word.
At what point do we need to ask our significant other for permission to do certain things, or make a significant other aware of our plans? And at what point is the significant other on the receiving end just being insecure or an @sshole. Example:
Chick: Baby, my homegirl Funkqueefa Rodriquez-Jones-Smith is in town. She just hit me up on Facebook. I aint seen her in a minute. Do you mind, or did you have anything planned for us tonight?
Dude: Yeah, that’s cool. Go see yo girl. (Just don’t smell like latex when it comes time for me to eat my dessert.)
This situation will not receive any push back. It’s typically normal and acceptable. Just doing the courtesy of asking.
New situation…
Chick: Baby, I’m going out to the club and an after party with a few peoples. I’ll call you tomorrow.
Dude: Whooaaaaa! Wait. When did this come up? You had all week to tell me. Who you goin wit? Why is this suddenly so pressing?
Insecurity on the dude’s part? Or is this a legitimate concern. This situation applies in reverse as well. I mean think about it ladies. How many time has a dude gave you some vague description of his plans and then you were on a mission to get more details about who he was going with and who would be there? Yeah, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I think a lot of this stuff can be established initially in the relationship. Once you do something often enough, the person doesn’t even need to ask questions anymore. When behaviors/actions seem uncharacteristic, that’s when the problems and questions start to rear their ugly heads. I don’t necessarily believe that because someone wants to know the details of an event you’re attending that the person is insecure. Sometimes I’ve asked questions. Sometimes I’ve said whatever. Chances are that if I’m asking questions, I’ve got a pretty good reason. Then again, I bet we all feel that way.
Most of us have been there or listened to one of our friends who’s been there talk about it. What’s the word on the streets ladies and gents?
Addressing the Issues of Our Lives,
20 Responses to “Hey Baby, Do You Mind If I…”
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“When behaviors/actions seem uncharacteristic, that’s when the problems and questions start to rear their ugly heads”
This answers the whole article, it’s about a person or relationship’s characteristics. If you never go out and then it’s a mad dash to the door this week, me as a caring person in your life wants to know whats up. It’s not necessarily insecure to ask some questions, maybe you want to know for safety reasons. If your out by yourself or wit trifflin’ people in a bad area, it could be some problems. It’s about respect!!!
-JM
“One step ahead”
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Peyso Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:01 am
concur
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Seattle Washington Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:24 am
What if they’re out all the damn time?
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:29 am
If they are out all the time, then a) he/she is a social butterfly and enjoys being out, or b) he/she is trying to stay away from you and chill with other people…in essence those two are the same, but the objectives are different….with a, he/she is coming back home and enjoying being with you; with b, he/she is like, damn, when am I getting out again!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I gotta say it’s about more than respect. As simple as relationship problems may seem, there are a lot of intricacies that play into ish like this.
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J. McFly Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
True but respect is a broad term that covers alot of things, with it everyone his held in-line. The hard part is realizing if you truely like that person then
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“When behaviors/actions seem uncharacteristic, that’s when the problems and questions start to rear their ugly heads”
I don’t think its being insecure if the person starts doing something out of character. You should ask questions. I don’t assume. I’m straightforward and I don’t like it when a man puts me in that position to assume.
Here’s a good example where I questioned my ex-boyfriend. One day he called me to let me know he was going to happy hour with his co-workers who are mostly women. Him and I had the “happy hour” conversation before and his attitude up until that point was–”I work with these people all day, so why do I want to hang with them after work?” Red flag went up when he out of the blue changed his view. Another red flag went up when I said, “Cool, I’ll meet you there because I want to get out the house this evening anyway.” His response was he wouldn’t be long, so there was no need for me to come. (now if it was a group of my friends, and he said the same thing, I would have been like, cool–hit me on the cell when you get in.)
To make a long story short–he’s now an ex and that one event led to the demise of our relationship. Was I right to question or be concerned–I sure was.
We have built in antennaes that if we listen to them, they won’t steer us wrong.
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port au tash Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
i agree…also, i feel if a your significant other can’t be truthful about who they are out with, thats an issue too. If you’re supposed to be honest and all, you should’nt leave out people you claim to be your friends just because your bf or gf might get upset.
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Shelia Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
It’s all about trust and reference the situation I described, there were a few other things that occurred prior to that led me to believe more was going on than what he was telling me. It was discovered that he was cheating with a co-worker.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:29 am
“We have built in antennaes that if we listen to them, they won’t steer us wrong.”
That’s true for sensible people. Maybe it takes a lil time for people to really have a working antenna. I’ve seen far too many people’s gut instinct be absolutely wrong and they end up with a foot in their mouth and egg on their face when they are wrong…
..antennaes with foil on em ought not be trusted.
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Shelia Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
“..antennaes with foil on em ought not be trusted.”
LOL…True.
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I think the big thing is respect, im in a comitted relationship and i’ve had to give and take on certain things. I don’t hang out like i use too unless its for business, which sometimes keeps me out at night. So if i don’t have to be somehwhere i try to stay in. I also try to keep in mind when she want to go chill with the girls i don’t sweat it. We try to keep a real open communication, we have had convos on what we can live with and what we can’t. Everyone has some jealousy sometimes, but i know as a dude i take care of mines the best i can. So i’m not going to question everything, because if someone has intetions they are gonna do it regardless.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 11:34 am
I agree…respect, communication, and compromise are key. Its important to give each other room to chill with friends or whatever, but its about respecting each other enough to know when you are going out too much, or not letting him/her go out enough without making them feel bad.
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Being as though I suggested this topic, I’ll throw my 2 cents in.
I agree with all of the above that it’s all about respect, communication and compromise. I think it’s unpredictable to know if and when a dude/female is going to try to mack–no matter where you are. So, if the major concern is that your partner is going to cheat, they are going to cheat regardless of the details. However, I can see how certain situations, innocent or not, seem suspect and worth investigation. Where do you draw the line between intuition and insecurity? Is it about someone cheating on you or is it about you feeling as though spending time elsewhere is more important than spending time with you?
For example, with the situation noted in the comments about a after-work happy hour, you can never be quite sure who goes or what happens. So while you can answer all questions thoroughly and promise to be home at a reasonable time, things happen—conversations with your superiors turn into great conversations about your professional future, you have a good time getting to know your colleagues (male & female) and honestly you just enjoy the music. Should you feel guilty for not answering your partner’s text message request for a play-by-play or request to come home sooner than later?
My thoughts are–unless you’re married and/or have children, you should enjoy socializing while you still can. This doesn’t always mean over drinks–I, for one, take a language course (you’re not interested in learning) and dancing class(you hate dancing) on 2 different days during the week and try to work out at the gym (our schedules don’t allow us to work out together) during the evenings whenever possible. You want me to look fly AND be cultured right? Then, respect the fact that I might be out and about and dudes WILL try to talk to me.
After all…you tried to talk to me at one point, didn’t you?
I guess my question is 2-fold:
Is the whole “I trust you but not them” reasonable/justifiable?
AND
For a serious relationship between 2 people that don’t live with each other, when is going out “too much” actually too much?
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Shelia Reply:
October 30th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
“For a serious relationship between 2 people that don’t live with each other, when is going out “too much” actually too much?”
I think whether you’re married or just in a committed relationship, you should have your own hobbies or activities seperate from your significant other.
Maybe I can say this because I’m not married, but don’t nobody want to be up under someone 24/7 no matter how much love there is.
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my response to this is simple…
i’ll only ask him questions that i don’t mind him asking me. with that said, i won’t be a pest by harassing him about his intentions because i wouldn’t want him to do that to me.
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I think everyone should take a chill pill. If you are in a relationship then you trust the person you are with or you shouldn’t be in a relationship with them, Period. That’s it that’s all. I had a bf get upset because I never questioned him about what he was doing when he wasn’t with me. He thought this meant I didn’t care. I thought it meant he was childish and wanted a mama instead of a GF. Needless to say I am single now
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 31st, 2008 at 4:33 pm
This is quite the comment. I’m applauding from my desk.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
November 3rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Aww thanks Slim…thats a nice way to get welcomed back to the new site which is very nice, might add
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 3rd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
Thank you. Why thank you very much. Glad you like. Word Up!
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