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How Do You Grieve
Yesterday afternoon, while I was doing laundry at my friend’s house (I’m still a student…#dontjudge), she got a phone call. I glanced over my shoulder because I heard a tone in her voice that signaled she’d heard some not so good news. As I got ready to turn back to folding my clothes, she gasped and hung up the phone.
“My uncle just died.”
My first reaction was to get tissues and sit next to her. I sat trying to think about what to say. Things like “it’s going to be okay,” and other well intentioned phrases crossed my mind. But as I sat, I realized what I wanted to say was about me trying to relieve my own anxiety about what I just heard. I wanted to console her, but would she really want to hear “It’s going to be okay,” right away? Sure things will be okay, but is that what you would want to hear right after you heard that kind of news? Instead of trying to fill the silence and find the right things to say, I hugged her as she cried, listened to her, and prayed for her and her family.
Less than an hour after we got the call, we hopped in the car and made our way to her aunt’s house. As we drove we talked about this and that. Among the “that”, we talked about what she should do or say when she got to her aunt’s house. “How does this work,” she asked. The only thing I could think to say was “Just be there for her. Hug her, let her know you are there when she needs, but there isn’t much to be done or said to ease her pain.”
When we got there, the house was full of people. A few surrounded her grieving aunt, telling her to “just think about the good times” and “don’t be sad, he’s with the Lord.” Again, while these words seem comforting, can’t they seem a little dismissive? If you have ever experienced loss, you know the flood of emotions that can overwhelm you. Depending on the circumstances surrounding the person’s death, feelings of guilt, sadness, confusion, anger, disbelief, pain and uncertainty can all be felt at once. Saying “It’s going to be okay,” is not making the grieiving person feel better, I can almost guarantee that.
I’m not saying I know the right or best way to help someone grieve. I just think you should consider what you would want to hear or do. This is not to say that they will want what you would want. But think about the person you are trying to console. If you know them, you probably know how they respond to stress. Don’t tell them what they should or shouldn’t do or feel (assuming it’s not a danger to themselves or others). If they like quiet, don’t try to put them around a bunch of people. If they like company, don’t try to put them in a quiet room all alone. Check up on them. Help them share stories that make them laugh and give space to cry. If you sit with them long enough, they will tell you what they want or how they feel feel. Then respond accordingly.
I don’t really have any questions today. Share what you feel. And make sure you tell the people you love what they mean to you.
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When my sister died in 2008, the absolute best thing my friends did was just be there… Sometimes, you just need them next to you.
Grief is difficult to handle, you do it so many different ways.
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Little Miss Sunshine Reply:
April 26th, 2010 at 10:31 am
exactly what I was going to say.
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When people close to me pass away (especially if its family), I like to be left alone. I’m sort of an introvert (to an extent) and a lot of things I’d rather keep to my self. I don’t like to show everyone emotion. I do like to be surrounded by my family in the situation because we all can relate to how we’re feeling if someone in the family passes away. It does us good to just talk about the person and reminisce. And my family is a true family; we really will ride or die for all 100+ of us. I appreciate calls of concern and condolences but outside of that, I don’t like to talk about it.
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Tough Question. I think you do whatever it is you feel to try to get around it. I recently attended a funeral for Mike, my frat who wasmurdered in Jersey. I didn’t knwo how to approach the chapter or what to say other than to exchange fraternal greetings, have a smile, and just BE there as that support tool.
Whats crazy is I found myself needing the consoling when I realized that he was truly gone. Tears of frustration and anger that he was violently taken from us.
At the same time at my Father’s funeral, I shed no tears. I think this was because he was sick for years, and I mentally prepared myself. Sudden death is much harder to overcome than a “prepared death” and then you have to take the personal relationship into consideration.
Either way, you just be there for someone. offer an ear, a joke, a friendly face. You play the role you knwo you polay in that persons life, and all will fall into place.
Namaste
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I recently had an aunt pass and I’m very close to her daughter. When we finally got the news of her passing, all I kept asking was ‘What do I do?’ Everyone kept telling me to just be there. The best advice ever. Emotionally navigating the passing of a loved one was a lesson in patience, love, and the art of being a good cousin/friend. I was there and thats exactly what my cousin needed.
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My daughter’s father was killed in a motorcycle accident about two years ago. The best thing my family and friends (and his neighbors) did for us was to just be there. Neighbors cooked and brought over food, one offered to pay for my daughter to get her hair done for the service on base. Please DONT say things like: it was for the best, it will be ok, they dont really help.
As was stated, just be there for the person and be honest. If you don’t know what to do or say, say so.
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My sophomore year in college one of my uncles died after a long illness. I purposefully hid from my friends before I went home for the funeral so I wouldn’t have to spend my time consoling them and assuring them I was ok. I wasn’t necessarily super sad, because he’d been sick for so long, but I was worried about my mom (they were super close, and she’d taken care of him in his last months) and the last thing I wanted to do was argue with people I knew meant well about how I was feeling. My close friends know I’m not big on showing emotion and I knew they would want to force me to show it and I didn’t want to.
When my ex committed suicide last year, I spent more time assuring people I was ok than actually grieving. I think people mean well, but it gets to be heavy trying to get them to stop consoling you. My reasoning behind hiding when my uncle died was proven. “It’s ok to cry…” they kept telling me. I did cry — just not in front of them.
I’m definitely a “grieve silently” type of person. I want to cry and boo-hoo and do all that by myself. I have to be careful because I don’t want people to think I’m not appreciative that they care, but I also need my space.
Sometimes we can be very overbearing in caring for our friends who are grieving without realizing it. There’s no one answer to what to do either. Sometimes, you have to just ask or learn to be ok with your own uncomfortableness and sit there and be ready in case you can do something.
It’s interesting how in times of grief for others we forget what we wanted/needed when we went through our own grieving.
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Reecie Reply:
April 26th, 2010 at 9:33 am
“Sometimes we can be very overbearing in caring for our friends who are grieving without realizing it.”
exactly, and I never want to be that person, so I tend to stand back. and I understand at times that can come off as not caring at all.
depending on how your family is (mine is pretty dysfunctional) just dealing with them alone in the grieving process is overbearing and enough of a headache…
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I have a very difficult time with consoling people during times of loss. as a very loquacious person I really just end up with a loss of things to say. Its easier to just be there. When I can’t be there, I send a card. I know sometimes in the hectic pace of planning funerals and whatnot they get lost in the shuffle so I wait awhile. and I’ll also call to just have a friendly chat about other things.
I haven’t experience much loss in my life, but when my grandmother died in 2007 I found it hard to tell people. I just…didn’t want to worry people with my burdens. I also didn’t want to talk about it. not even with my family. I didn’t grieve right away either so that was all on me holding back.
its hard to say, just do your best. I think most people know and understand your intentions regardless.
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ASmith Reply:
April 26th, 2010 at 9:25 am
Another uncle of mine died my senior year in college. That time, I didn’t even tell anyone until I got back from the funeral. They were pissed, but it helped me to not need to hide and not need to downplay everything.
That same year another of my friends’ grandfather’s died. That was a huge blow to her, but she didn’t tell any of us. Again, people were upset, but I called her and told her I understood why and that it was ok.
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Intellectual Hedonist Reply:
April 26th, 2010 at 12:10 pm
my cousin’s (adopted sister) mother died after a short bout with pancreatic and colon cancer, her mom did not want anyone to visit her while she was in hospice the last month of her life and my sister/cousin had her mom cremated before anyone in the family could “pay their respects”. My mom still resents this, but those were the wishes of my aunt. My mother recently brought this up while acknowledging an anniversary of her ex sis in law’s birthday and I said to her, “mom, did you ever think that her dying wish was for you to remember her healthy and vibrant and not sick and wasting away. did you ever think she wanted to spare you the pain she was going through?” my mom thanked me for that but I know she is still harboring some resentment that she was not able to mourn in a “traditional way”
Sometimes we have to remember that while we too may be mourning the death of a person, it really isnt about us.
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The best piece of advice I ever got when dealing with grief: Dont do anything that person wouldnt have want you to do. Stopped me from running to the bottle or doing something else that is really self harming.
My boy’s grandmom’s died and that hurt me more than anyone in my family. It hurt b/c I knew the role she played in that family and I personally feared that the fam might fall apart. Me and my other boys took him out to dinner after the funeral and didnt mention a word of her death, he says that what helped him get through it.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
April 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Damn good advice.
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Yeah, I definitely have that anxiety on how to deal with others that grieve, especially if I don’t know them too well to know how to comfort them. But, even when I do know them well enough, I’m always unsure if I’m doing the best I can to make them feel comforted. I think it’s because I’m a strong advocate of “there is no one way to grieve”. I always get a bit upset when people criticize for how they grieve, whether it’s “too loud”, “too quiet”, are “too silent”. I know there are those out there that are shady and take advantage of death, and that’s terrible, but I think it’s best to leave it up to that person to grieve in the way they feel is best. After all, I wouldn’t want someone to judge me for how I grieved.
I lost my father to lung cancer when I was 12. Now, if you know me, I’m a crier. Always have been all my life. It doesn’t take much to make me cry, but for some reason, I didn’t cry at all after hearing of his death. Maybe it’s due to what streetz said above about knowing he was going die and seeing him sick. Maybe it was childhood innocence. I still have him sitting in the living room with a feeding-tube (G-Tube, I think it’s called) going through his stomach burned in my brain…it jolted me so much. Even though my parents had been divorced for the majority of my life, I never felt resentment toward him and loved the times I spent with him, but of course I always felt it was never enough. I think his death affects me more now that I’m older. I notice I have bursts of melancholy when I realize he isn’t here…that he won’t be here for pivotal moments in my life. He wasn’t able to make it to one of my graduations now that I think about it since he passed a good year before I graduated eighth grade. I do miss him and definitely look back at our memories — while not many — very fondly. I still have his American Flag from his funeral since he served in The Navy. And I’ll always keep it…proudly.
My paternal grandmother also passed away due to lung cancer, but much later in my life. I was actually in my first year of college. I also knew she was getting sicker, but her death DID make me cry for a few moments. Mostly because she raised me since I was 3, while my single mother worked, she took me over…quiting alcohol (she had a problem) COLD TURKEY and kept me until I graduated 8th grade. Then she came to live with my mom and I during high school years. My senior year she was diagnosed, and she got worse. In addition to that, what bothered me the most was that it was the weekend of Mother’s Day. I was to go back to Chicago (I was only an hour away at school) the next day to visit her at the hospice and she passed that night. I remember it vividly. It was a tornado storm that night and just like the rumbling of clouds, my heart rumbled with sorrow when my sister told me the news. I knew what it was when she gave me that “look” after hanging up the phone. It was like a movie. My heart sunk and I cried. Like my father, I hold her close to my heart. The memories that we have will always stay with me and every now and then, I’ll laugh at something funny she said that pops in my head or give her props for my mean Spades game.
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I try to treat them how I would want to be treated. I don’t like to be babied or talked to a lot, but I do like having someone there. I aim to do the same for my friends.
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I think just being there is the most important thing. A lot of people stay away when their friends are hurting because they are afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and that’s worse, I think. I would rather that you show up and make an effort to be there for me (even if what you’re doing or saying is not helpful) than you stay away because you want to “give me my space”.
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Grief is an emotion we really don’t know how to approach, personally or toward others, until we’ve had a personal experience with it ourselves. Before, I would have tried to make the person as comfortable as possible – whatever that meant. Calling, bringing food over, helping with day-to-day tasks, etc. When I experienced it for myself, the best thing anyone could do for me was to act normal, not be over-dramatic, and carry on like I wasn’t some type of emotional basketcase (even though that was exactly how I felt). One of my close friends told me if I wanted to call her and just cry over the phone, I could at any time. I took her up on that a few times. I think most people appreciate knowing that there are people available to listen and keep some semblance of normalcy in an otherwise chaotic, distraught, and emotionally weak time.
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Thank you all for sharing your stories and advice.
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My very first experience with loss was my best friend’s mother when we were in the 6th grade. It was hard, I had no idea what to say. So the first time I encountered my bf grandmother I said to her “I dont know what to say” she hugged me and said, “that’s ok just be there for Kim, she needs you” I was like huh? how? what do I do?
I just remember occasionally asking my bf if she was ok, did she need to talk, cry, scream. I remember I even talked to my father about this.
Its sad for me to even acknowledge the following but I have a good history of dealing with death and loss, (that sounds bad, I know and yes there is a back story that I wont go into which includes taking a minor in Death and Dying while pursuing my degree). Each person needs to be dealt with differently. There is no right way to deal with people as they are grieving, but there is a wrong way.
My recommendations:
1. acknowledge the loss. Im so sorry, sorry for your loss, are good choice words. Or sending a card if you are finding out about the loss through a third or fourth party.
2. offer your services. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, can I do something for you, what do you need me to do?
3. depending on how close you are to the person and depending on that persons closeness to the decedent you then have to gauge if you need to play a more active role in helping them.
4. and most importantly, check your emotions, how are you feeling, impacted, or affected by this loss. Are you the best person to be providing support at this time, or do you need support yourself. Admit that you cannot help if you cannot. Some people emotionally are not able to.
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I never know what to do when a friend loses a loved one. My homeboy lost his mother 3 years ago, and I wasn’t able to be with him. So, I sent the family a card, and I sent him a more personal card to his place in NY. But, I always feel kinda bad when I can’t at least physically be there for a person who’s grieving. Not to offer the boilerplate bereavement phrases, but just to be a shoulder for them to lean on.
When my grandmother passed, I didn’t want to be around anyone. I didn’t want to be at her house with all of the other family and visitors. I wanted to be alone. I am the queen of internalized emotion, and I wanted to be alone with my pain and grief. It’s probably why I didn’t really cry until a month after her death.
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When my mom passed, I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want everyone surrounding me with pity and generic comments. Just hanging out with my then boyfriend (now ex-husband) watching TV in silent was helpful. I was out of the state and had no way to get home for two days, so just having that silent support was sooooo much, the very thing that sealed him as the person I wanted to marry actually.
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honestly i thank God that i haven’t had to deal with much tragedy (knocks on wood). i’ve never been to a funeral. the closet person to me that has passed was my grandmother. she passed this past thanksgiving. it hurt me that she passed because i really feel if she moved to the united states (like my mom wanted her to) where there is much better healthcare she would still be here today. when my brother called and told me i was just numb.
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“If they like quiet, don’t try to put them around a bunch of people. If they like company, don’t try to put them in a quiet room all alone.”
I’ve never lost a parent, but what you said above is something that made me reflect on my parent’s situation when my grandparents passed. Down south people like to come to your house and “set a spell” and take their time leaving. This always bothered me. My parents obviously weren’t in the mood for company so why hand around so long.
So I’m all for giving people the proper amount space when a death happens.
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