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One of the Keys to Finding Love Is…
Finding love and finding these require something very similar...
Yesterday a fellow writer and friend directed me to her blog to read a post (Yep. Click that. Worth the read.) she wrote on how she feels that fly Black women don’t have the luxury of making romantic mistakes. It’s not the first time that I’ve read a post or article about successful women being unsuccessful when it comes to finding love and happiness, and it most certainly won’t be the last time. However, this is the first time that I really felt that I had to take a step back and reflect on so many of the things I’ve seen and heard female friends put themselves through because they often set a bar so high for themselves that they were doomed to fail time and time again. These failures manifested themselves primarily in a couple of ways.
In reading my friend’s post, it was angle of those women that are always hopeful for love then feel as if they let the man of their dreams get away because even their best didn’t seem to be good enough to keep him around. The other angle, which is one that I’ve found myself the victim of on numerous occasions inside and outside of relationships, is that which involves women that may have seen or dated the man of their dreams but didn’t have the patience to explore the possibility of long-term commitment further because I or he wasn’t what they wanted at that exact moment in time.
In retrospect, it’s sorta funny in a way. I’ve read and heard so many women talk about going through a phase in their lives where they wanted a man that was rough around the edges because it was a bit more exciting, more entertaining, more thrilling, more whatever. Sh*t, a good number of you probably still feel this way. But for those that think they’ve matured beyond this phase, they now seek Mr. Prince Charming, Mr. Handsome with swag., Mr. Praise the Lord, Mr. Woo My Panties Off, Mr. Please Be Every Thing I’m Not, and Mr. Boost My Esteem. Oh, I forgot to say that these are all supposed to be facets of one man, who I’ll call Mr. Unicorn. It’s not so surprising that so many girls wanted a pony when they were younger, but never actually got one. Whatever the case, much of the struggle within less than ideal relationships and the search for love in general comes down to the concept of patience, which can involve being patient with someone that doesn’t have it all together right away but has the potential. And with regard to my friend’s post, she said something that struck me and got me on this here organized ramble today:
It’s not all that easy dating as a fly Black woman. You have these standards… they complicate things. But it’s even harder when you want the world and you lack the patience it takes to wait for it.
A good number of unsuccessful relationship seekers find the thought of waiting unacceptable. We live in a “Me, Me, Me” world where everybody is concerned with what they think they need. The divorce rate and number of single women scouring the internet in search of relationship advice is a prime indicator of how well people identify their long-term needs and scout out true talent in a room. Think about it in general life terms. If you rush to get something done, you’re probably going to make some errors along the way that will come back to bite you in the ass. If you rush someone to complete a task—in this case that means meet your 10th criteria item—they’re probably going to make mistakes and you’re going to be frustrated. And as you continue to get frustrated, they’re going to continue to make mistakes. They’ll resent you and you’ll resent them. It truly is a vicious cycle.
Now some of you may be reading this and thinking “It sounds like I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.” That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that if you take your time in meeting people and identify someone as a real interest after getting through the superficial foolishness, then have the patience to work through peaks and valleys of the relationship once you decide to make that investment. You don’t get rid of your house because some of the paint chipped and the roof is leaking. You fix it and figure out how to increase it’s value. The honeymoon or peachy phase always ends and it’s usually at that point that people start to consider quitting. Don’t quit until you can walk away and honestly say you gave it your best. On the flip side, don’t go nuts trying to hold on to Mr. Unicorn Today. Buying a car with a $500 monthly payment today does you no good if you’re making $35K a year. Besides, if you take the time to get your bank account up, that model will still be there along with the newer ones. More simply stated, “This brotha’ has it together girl! I need to find a way to keep this man right now!” will always put you at a disadvantage.
Moral of the story: Be patient. Despite your current struggles, you may already have what’s best for you in the long term. And lastly, what looks good at first sight may only last a night.
How important do you think patience is to finding love in relation to this post? What are the other keys to love that come to mind for you? Any questions or other thoughts?
I’m a Beta male. Did you miss me?
41 Responses to “One of the Keys to Finding Love Is…”
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Patience indeed! Just hope ur not waiting in vain, but that’s when faith and other things step in. Being a friend could be the best way to do it so as to not feel the pressure (pressure of waiting, mom, biological clock, etc) and also put u in the position to have less hurt feelings about a whole lot of things
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Guns & Butter Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 11:40 am
so you’re going for the long term “the best offense is a good defense” type strategy?
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If I knew any keys to finding love, I wouldn’t be single. As for patience, that is not something I’ve ever been lacking in whether in regards to relationships or anything else.
Well, except for when it comes to my money.
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Patience is a virtue… but man, there’s only so much you can take!
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I have to admit that I am not a very patient person. I find myself getting a bit antsy or depressed about the “when’s” in my life…such as when will I find love/the man meant for me, when will I find an ideal location to start my career, etc. I try not to get too preoccupied with when’s and think about the nows but it isn’t always easy being that I’m not the most patient person in the world.
I’m not big on going out in hopes of meeting someone, I’m not the most outgoing. However, part of what helps me take someone serious is how I meet them. If I meet them at a party, I think that they are after me for superficial reasons such as my looks & how well I dance in comparison to like a service project where looks can be part of it but we have a common goal of doing something good for others. Maybe my approach & thought is flawed but my hope regardless is that the person sees who I am on the inside rather than just the outside.
This was a great post! (I’m not always seen either so I guess I’d be considered a beta female too, huh?)
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Great post. I was just having this conversation with my friend the other day. There have definitely been situations where I needed to be more patient in the past and came to regret. In my current situation I think I was more patient than I have ever been. Even though he did waste my time, but I am certain that I did the right thing by ending it after a number of years.
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Sidenote: I love how this “PSA: Don’t Fall in Love with My Avatar” is in your related posts considering how you made innernet history last night. lol
Side Sidenote: Um, I’ve already had Drake’s “Find Your Love” in my head all this week, and you gave it more life. I’mma thank you later. #seewhatididtheredrake
Anyhow, this post spoke to me. Mama Cheekie just gave me one of her “Dalai Mama” talks yesterday. I was feeling a bit down and lonely and impatient and she reassured me with her infamous motto “Everything is happening right now. Don’t worry about tomorrow and don’t fret about yesterday.” She is a strong proponent of everything happening in divine order. That things happen when they’re supposed to happen. And I agree with her. All I gotta do is stay open to it. The rest will take care of itself.
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Orange Star Happy Hunting Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 9:48 am
Thats good advice from Mama..some things I try to remember on those lonely sad days too. I liked Khalil’s comments here as well, LOL “could it be it was so simple then”, as we “search for the song called answer” SMH
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 9:56 am
I’m mad the PSA post came up. Makes me seem all contradictory and ish.lol.
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Cheekie Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 12:50 pm
LOL, yeah the timing is hilarious.
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As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more patient in all aspects of my life. Much like Mama Cheekie, I believe there is a time and place for everything, and everything happens when it is supposed to. A lot of times, because we want a relationship, new job, or own a business right now, we try to make it happen right now, instead of waiting for it to come to us naturally. I’ve been guilty of being too patient, and hanging around too long in a relationship that wan’t going anywhere. There is definitely a fine line between patience and wasting your time.
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05girl Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Funny (to me) that you say “instead of waiting for it to come to us naturally.” On the flip side, one is supposed to “create the life you want”/”just do it”/etc. So, to me, I wonder which is it? Sit back and be patient, go with the flow… or am I supposed to be doing more – and if so, waht?
It’s easy to resolve lack of relationships with the reminder to be patient, since we can’t control others. But what about other facets of life?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:11 am
I think part of being patient involves continued development in other areas of your life. If you feel you’re making strides in all other aspects, then I think it’s fine to take some time to figure out what you can do better to find love, etc. I just think a lot of people rush into stuff or get into something and expect eternal peachy times from day 1. There is a fine line though.
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like so many other posts giving black women direction (or directions) on how to behave in dating to snag a successful (and presumably black) man, this post is silly. “be patient” is your sole answer to educated, upwardly mobile black women who find it difficult to find a good man with similar qualities? (granted the language of the post became general to women or relationships in general toward the latter half). i’m not sure that makes the grade. we all need to be more patient in dating or otherwise, but the context here nearly implies that successful black women in particular need to be patient.
though frankly i am growing tired of hearing the “high achieving black woman can’t find black man” testimony — maybe the way white ppl at my job get tired of me pointing out racism — black women shouldn’t be frequently asked to “be patient” or behave or overlook or lower realistic standards or or or or.
i’m a black man, highly educated, and heterosexual. i find it difficult to find successful, upwardly mobile black men as friends. most of my black friends are female. my best friend didn’t graduate from h.s. (he’s a great guy BTW). i’m considering joining a grad chapter of a frat even though i’m at odds with fraternities, just so i can add more educated male color to my life.
i recently went to NOLA to visit a friend from grad school. she says large numbers of educated women there have married or are in serious relationships with men with significantly less education (mostly h.s. diplomas) and less money-making potential. i was happy and disappointed (but that’s another post). i’d like to hear more about topics like this, rather than directions or blame gaming (which i don’t quite think this post is doing particularly). i’d like to hear an even dialogue on whether black communities are preparing black boys to be fathers, husbands, community leaders–things that make them marketable husband material.
ooops, gotta go to work!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 9:35 am
This post is silly? This post is my opinion and my perspective. It’s also a response to another post I read and what I got from it. Did you not read the title of the post? It says One of the keys not all. I appreciate the critique, but you didn’t suggest anything that you think is key. You called the post silly, told us you’re successful, and scratched the surface on some societal stuff. If you think the post lacks value, add something to the discussion that addresses the problem.
It’s still too early for this.lol.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Get in the cut.
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streetztalk Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
He said hes goin grad. They only know cuts from office supplies
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
LOL…that doesnt mean I can’t get 4 free ones!
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L.Dejean Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 6:45 pm
ROTFLMAO! I.HATE.CHU.SO.MUCH.RIGHT.NOW (#allkelis) but i can’t help but love you at the same time! (this was so much funnier to me all cause i know you in real life…see you sometime at Greekdom maybe? lol).
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Slim took this post somewhere different from where I thought he would. I’m not hating… I just thought he wass going to hit us with the “you eff’d up” post. I feel like no one wants to admit that they made a mistake and are just willing to chop these up as “it wasn’t meant to be.” B.S. You turned down the right guy, you listened to the wrong advice, you acted like a child, you were pushy and too controling, if you were a guy you thought with the wrong head, (or my fav black personality flaw) you had your priorities out of order.
I say this all the time. But maybe the reason you haven’t find love is YOUR FAULT! How about some accountable and not placing blame on loose concepts. Paraphrasing what Mos Def said at the start of black on both sides: Love is not some giant in the mountains that lives away from the people. Love is Us. So before you ask how your Love Life is doing… ask how you are doing. Than you will see you get the same answer.
Holla @ me if you need your back blow out…one
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:18 am
Wow CHeeKz. I’m standing and my desk and applauding.lol.
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Love is Us. So before you ask how your Love Life is doing… ask how you are doing. Than you will see you get the same answer.
^^^ THIS!!
And you know I need a good back blowing out session… lol.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 10:44 am
Memorial Day ’11 Vegas.
You already got your appointment girl.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 11:38 am
i put cheekz on to mos def.
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 3:14 pm
that is an out right lie.
The copy of black on both sides that I have might be yours and I never gave it back to you…. but you didn’t put me on to Mos Def.
You did put me on to
Binary Star
Sage Francis
The Last Emperor
and Cuninglinguist (sp) and another gang of Pre-Kanye West non-gangsta rappers (remember when every commerical rappers was gangster?) BUT not Mos Def.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
pre-kanye west non-gangsta rappers lol. you know i was on it…
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Fly Funky Diva Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Hey,
I’m the chick who effed up. LOL. I wrote the other blog. But actually, I agree with you. The main dispute I have with my mother when I talk to her about my love life is that she attributes it to fate and I attribute it to me. It’s somewhere in between. It’s not always COMPLETELY my fault. I’m a pretty fly girl, admittedly with some flaws. But it’s not always completely NOT my fault or fate either. I think I’ve had a bit of a reality check in all this though. I’ve had the privilege of dating some incredible, very established men, but I’ve only been out of college for two years. I’m still finding myself, establishing myself, maybe… not exactly ready to be on that level or to seal the deal with the man of my dreams. I mean, it’s either be patient, or ‘settle’ and I’ll choose the former.
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Being patient is a good point. I’m too much of a youngin’ (still in undergrad) to worry about the future dating pool after graduation and all, but people make it sound like everything goes downhill after college.
Anyway, I’ll just focus on the good ol’ books until that time comes…and reading blogs.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
It ain’t that bad. Life doesn’t end after college. Lol. If anything the dating pool is better. For dudes anyway, don’t know about women.
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Just A Thought Reply:
June 12th, 2010 at 6:26 pm
Dating pool is garbage after college, ESPECIALLY if you only date black men. The sense of entitlement, lack of committment, and perceived hesitation to treat you like the queen to their king is appalling. Not all, but WAAAAAYYYY too many.
And don’t even get me started on men that don’t have anything to offer – spiritually, emotionally, or financially – who feel like being black, breathing, and male gives them the right to come at you any kind of way.
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I am always amazed that self-defined successful black women describe their dating woes as having trouble “finding” men.
One theory: SOME women see themselves as a “10″ and think that any man less than their own self-perceived status is not good enough. Okay. Go for it. Do not “settle”. But, if you have trouble “finding” your match, there is one possibility, you may need to consider: Men may not generally perceive you as a “10″.
Maybe there are kids, old tattoos or knife scars under the cute Michael Kors dress. Maybe you act too “brand new”. Maybe men think they would have to “settle” to get involved with you. There could be many reasons or even, sometimes, no reason.
So…look at your self. Ask a friend. Check out a photograph of your style. Is it that I cannot “find” a man or am I looking for a man who does not really match the real me.
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I agree with Streetz to a degree. I read the chick’s blog and here’s what it reminded me of. Here’s a similar story. In the Spring/Summer of 2008, I entered the NFL draft. Even though I wasnt D1A player, I was a pretty good D1AA player and predicted to be a late round draft. I wasnt selected. I wasn’t signed. The closest I got was a few workouts w/ a few teams and a bunch of canadian teams. I was very upset, distraught might be a better word, depressed may be even better. I turned down a pretty good job in the beginning of a recession to try out and didnt make it and had nothing to show for it. Everyone told me that “It wasnt mean to be” or “God has another plan”. That made me feel a bunch better. But it was my dad who sat me down in the midst of my semi depression and kept it a hunnit. He said “God has nothing to do with this. He gave you the tools and you failed to use them. Now he’s gonna close this door and open another. The reason you dont have a contract is because you didnt work hard enough, you sucked at your combine, you were lazy the summer before your senior year, etc…”. I was forced to take on the blame for my defeat. I think I’m better for it.
The human mind likes things black and white. It doesnt like gray. Streetz comment is black. Saying “God has a plan” is white. The reality is gray. Bottomline is that most things that happen to us is at least partially our fault and there is no one else to blame but us. However, despite our shortcomings everything will still be ok.
I say all of this to say that though I agree wholeheartedly w/ Streetz I dont think this chick that Slim is talking about is guilty of this. She acknowledges her part in the failure of the relationship and that’s all you can expect of a person
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CHeeKZ Money Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 11:37 am
this is like the 4th time you have called me Streetz.
the Z’s can’t be that confusing. Admit it.. you hate me Peyso.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 11:40 am
its the E’s and the Z’s they throw me off. Combined w/ the fact that I am a lazy reader
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One more thing…
Patience isnt doing nothing. Patience is knowing that the fruits of your labor may not come right now but that they are coming soon. This “Why wait for eventually” Alicia, BS that ppl are on isnt always for the better
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Co-signage. But I guess that’s obvious given the post.
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this post makes a lot of sense. i’m glad to finally see something besides the typical successful black educated woman BS!
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No real comment…just eProps!
Great Post!
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I feel optimism and patience go hand in hand…for it not for my optimism (I’m still quite young and un-jaded, seeing as though I’ve never been in a relationship of much significance) I wouldn’t be so patient. Also I don’t exactly limit myself to black men, so it makes me feel like I have ample enough time and opportunity as oppose to my “he has to be black” counterparts.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 1:58 pm
I think optimism, faith, and patience are all intertwined. Your openness to explore “other options” also puts you in a different ball game. Word.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
June 10th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Microsoft.
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