Visit Our Store!
The Intricacies of Inter-Circle Dating
Shauna: Hey Slim, what’s good? Ain’t seen you in a minute!
Slim: Business as usual. Maintaining and ish.
Shauna: What you doing this weekend?
Slim: Oh, prolly save a few kittens from a 4 alarm fire on the 18th floor of some NYC high rise.
Shauna: You are a fool. Anyway, I’m having a party this Saturday. You and the fellas should come by.
Slim: Yeah, no doubt. Me and Marcus been looking for something to get into. So have all the other wolves homies.
Shauna: Umm, yeah. About Marcus…Can you not bring him?
Slim: Huh? I thought you were cool with him?
Shauna: Yeah, I’m cool with him. He’s never wronged me, but he broke up with Teresa for that Amazon-lookin’ chick.
Slim: Da f*ck? It’s not like Marcus is gonna bring Xena with him.
Shauna: I know. But I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable.
Slim: Isn’t Teresa messin’ with that football playin’ negro now though?
Shauna: Yeah, but still. She’s my friend.
Slim: You know Marcus is friends with your man too right?
Shauna: Yeah. Doesn’t matter.
Slim: Next time we all go to Vegas, I’ll make sure your boy gets nice and drunk in a room full of strippers.
Shauna: What?
Slim: Nothing. See you on Saturday.
Some would say this sounds high schoolish. Others would say it sounds real collegiate. Both sides are right, but such is life. As we get older, our personal circle of friends gets smaller. The thing is, everyone in your crew probably has another circle of friends or acquaintances with commonalities that they roll with when you’re not around. In my case and probably a lot of yours, my closest friends are people that I know through college.
If you didn’t go to college, then your best friends are probably people you went to high school with or grew up with. Whatever the case, there’s a pretty good chance that all the circles you’re indirectly affiliated with are going to bump into each other at some point or another. And since these people are all going to have at least a few things in common, some of them are going to end up dating. A lot of the women I’m cordial with from college have dated or rendezvoused with at least one of my boys or acquaintances over the years. Throw in Greek life, professional mixers, First Fridays, and every other typical event, and the chains link even easier.
In theory, your friends dating your friends’ friends seems like a great formula. You all co-sign each other and think you know who’s right for who—and sometimes it works. Unfortunately this formula only applies when things are going well. Y’all can all hang out, kick it, tear up the streets, etc. and nobody feels awkward. But what about when a break up happens? You all still see each other at the same social functions and no matter how private the separation may have been, everybody in the interconnecting circles will know and probably watch with a cautious eye to make sure nobody walks up the stairs with a pan full of formerly hot grease or with the new chick in tow. It just gets awkward for everybody. And per the scenario above, it can complicate friendships and acquaintanceships (Yeah, I made that word up) when it comes time to have gatherings. If stuff isn’t peachy between some of these inter-circle couples, it has the potential for this:
And nobody wants to get caught in that common area, which could be the room where the 2 people are sitting within feet of each other trying to play it cool while everyone else sweats or is too drunk to care. I say all this to say that folks really need to think about the long term repercussions when engaging in inter-circle dating. It’s not as unavoidable as it seems. If you’re the person doing the dating and end up on bad terms with the ex, you may never be able to escape them…unless you move to a new state, get a completely different group of friends that you have nothing in common with, or start going to that church on the other side of town. The End.
And I didn’t even have time to talk about the issue of taking sides in these disputes and who cuts ties with who…
So what do you think of inter-circle dating? Do you have any protocols for it? Is it unavoidable? Good idea? Bad idea? Success stories or failures? Do share.
They shoulda never taught me how to use Powerpoint,
26 Responses to “The Intricacies of Inter-Circle Dating”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Leave A Comment...
RSS & Twitter
-
See, this is why I went to college out of state, then moved again for law school, then moved again for my job. lol.
When you are from NY, you and all your HS friends attend college in NY, then you all move to NYC or nearby cities, you can’t help but have a lot of inter-circle incest. And the same goes for North Carolina, particularly Raleigh/Durham. A lot of people here went to all the same schools, and all the black people know each other one way or another. It makes dating tricky when I a chick I hang with used to date the guy I’m seeing when they were in undergrad, and they are still friends. It can be pretty awkward.
Reply
WOW I’m the first one to comment?! Sweetness!
* DEAD at “they shoulda never taught me how to use Powerpoint* LOL!!!! Best use of Powerpoint for something practical that actually happens in life.
I’ve had good and somewhat less successful experiences. I think it depends on the maturity of the friend circle and how deep your friendships are. With one guy it was very easy after things didn’t work out. His best friend & I are good friends. He knew that things weren’t going to work out between us before the dude did. I kept it light when I saw him and when another girlfriend was trying to stoke the fires of ..did you see him with that high school looking chick? I nicely answered that I could care less because I really could care less. He moved on and so did I. There was no awkwardness. We’re still cool to this day.
Now my last experience with inter-circle dating was a fail. The guy is part of a ridiculous I feel like it’s getting to be a world network of friends. My name is popping up everywhere and people are like…yea I know her…met her through so and so..bla bla bla. Indulging him was a fail bc when things went sour I was deathly scared that he would go bad mouth me to a huge circle of respected friends & acquaintances. Thank God, it seems like he didn’t. I met him with what I call a cell of other acquaintances who are part of this network of friends. I invited the cell all down to come visit my island during Christmas and I’d host. One of the main girls orchestrating is still wanting to come. Now I’m debating revoking Island Getaway privileges. His card has definitely been revoked. I just hope he has the decency not to try to come as part of his vindictive plot bc I never know with that dude. He was not able to let go of despite of the fact of being dismissed however graciously.
Inter-circle dating is bound to happen. I have too wide a network for me to say I’m not going to do it. I just am more careful in who I will date and won’t. Some people can handle it not working out and some can’t. You’ve got to carry yourself in a way that your friends know what it is what it is. Lets not make things more awkward.
–>wow I sure kept things concise lol.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:17 am
You mentioned having a wide network and all I could do was think of Verizon.lol. I’ll be back in the morning for more dialogue.
Reply
Sassy Island Gal Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:44 am
HAHAHHAHAH!! Lol to the fact that I’ve actually worked for them. Sigh “can you hear me now.” *chuckles & shakes head*
Reply
I’m wary of it. I had a painful breakup in college that left me on the outside of the circle. Except for church, cuz you know young black men don’t go to church! I keed, I keed.
I feel it can’t get uncomfortable, but I’m at the age now where if people in my circles start dating, they should be grown enough not to have a horrible breakup that will permanently disrupt the circle.
Reply
BP Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:22 am
“Except for church, cuz you know young black men don’t go to church!”
Cosign, although it hurts my heart to do so.
Reply
I’ve dealt with this in High School…initially, it seems like a good idea but when things go sour, its an issue. I’m still friends with all of the people i was in cliques with from High School and some people CANNOT be near each other to this day! In Undergrad, when the break-ups occurred, it wasn’t any better. Sometimes its a good thing but most times, it is not. I’ve done it but one came to a fairly pleasant halt and the other…well, it took dude a while to get over it, lol!
Next time we all go to Vegas, I’ll make sure your boy gets nice and drunk in a room full of strippers.
^^^This made me LOL!
Great post!
Reply
Thankfully, I have managed to keep my dating adventures on the outside of these circles
except for that one time.. I’ve seen the effects of this type of dating all too often…no bueno. “Friends” stop talking or get awkward, assumptions are made about folks, reputations teeter on destruction, etc. The Black professional/greek circles are too damn small.Reply
CHeeKZ Money Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:51 am
at the end of the day, if I can name five dudes you let go ham in your eggs I am going to think there a million more that I font know. Even if those are the only five….
so yes. Ladies should keep it out of the circles. Nothing good can come out of the fact that I can put a face on the dudes who you have been with. NOTHING!
Reply
Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Dropping names is a rookie mistake. Unless he asks. lol
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:32 pm
I think CHeeKZ is saying he doesn’t have to ask the chick. He just knows the dudes. I can sympathize with that 30 times over.lol.
Reply
This is a lesson I still haven’t learned. I’m always sh*tting where I eat – there is no greater than one degree of separation between all of my exes.
However, because l am a grown up and part on amicable terms most of the time, it usually isn’t an issue. And also because I’m a grown up, if there is a problem I keep it to myself.
If I truly can’t stand being around a former victim I stay home. I would never ask my friends to exclude someone because of my love affair gone wrong. I think that’s childish.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 9:36 am
If you manage to part on amicable terms most of the time then of course this wouldn’t apply. However, for those that have those less than amicable separations…yeah, it isn’t such a happy family.lol.
Reply
yeah I haven’t done inter-circle dating since hs and college. I went to college and grad school close to home, but I still had separate groups of friends and they never seemed to blend too much. Now that a lot of my college friends from other places live in my hometown I’ve had some friends (but not friends to each other) end up dating the same guy over time–but I no longer live there so its not messy for me.
Reply
At some point inter-circle dating is unavoidable. Yal date and then you find out you’re in the same circle. Or you meet from the same circle. Point is- it happens. And it really happens when you move into these major cities where all black college educated people get together. Life these days is 2 degrees of separation.
But- as I told Peyso- the key to dealing with the inevitable is just to deal with it. If she/he isn’t causing a scene in your life then just chill. Feel free to go home that night and re-has the world with your friends but out in public- chill.
Reply
I’ve done it once and am in the midst of some others doing it now… hilarity.
When I did it, it wasn’t that bad. When we split all the females took my side, his friends included and the males were actually either on my side or neutral to the entire situation. I remember one his boys/folks calling me (who didn’t know that we’d split) saying I hate to tell you this but I think he’s cheating on you. LOL. Funniest call evah!! When we had to come together at a mutual friends housewarming, it was supposed to be a great night. Wrong. The host had asked that no one bring significant others unless they were invited b/c her place was too small, although she really just wanted to prevent him from bringing his new joint. Of course, he didn’t listen. When he and his booskin #2 stepped through the door you could hear a pin drop and then… laughter. I felt so bad for the 2 of them. The entire night I felt like I had eyes booring into the back of neck. He and his boo watched me w/ intensity!! I have no reason why… and I know I’m not crazy b/c other people would ask me during the night… “why are they staring so hard?!” Never figured that out & have never dated inter-circle again.
Reply
So Flyy Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 am
Btw, good post Slim. And great use of powerpoint… now can you come up w/ a real life reason to use MS project? LOL.
The inter-circle dating I’m watching unfold before my eyes now makes me wonder if men and women really can be friends w/o thronxing. It’s hard b/c ppl thronx, never officially date and then once it is determind that Shaniqua really likes John and thinks they could have soemthing… it’s ‘too late’ b/c Chantalisha already thronxed John off some BS & you can’t go behind your girl. So instead Shaniqua hooks up w/ Eddie who was really tryna get at Mykayla who used to go w/ John.
Exhausting.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:06 am
I actually will come up with a real life reason to use MS Project.lol. You wait and see.
This ish that you’re watching unfold is more so what I’ve seen and continue to see. In the interest of keeping grown, I try to just keep my mouth shut when people ask me others within the circles.lol. I don’t know nothing. I didn’t hear nothing. I didn’t see nothing.
Reply
BP Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:19 am
SO Flyy I was trying to keep up with your inter-circle example..I’m slow this morning. But I think its REALLY hard for men and women to be friends if there is attraction there. Even if its just a tad because a “little attraction” can turn into a “mega load” with quality time and some wine. I have tried over the years to keep my male friends…just that friends. I have gone as far as to call them “brother” etc. I am a sucker for a fine, articulate man….I can’t keep those kinda dudes as friends.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 11:23 am
and here-in lies one of the greater problems with this all.lol.
Reply
BP Reply:
September 2nd, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Ha! Yeah Slim, we couldn’t be friends.
Reply
I haven’t dated anyone in my inter-circle since junior high. My friends have different taste in men than me. However, if they didn’t and someone wanted to date an ex I wouldn’t care. Unless it was my ex-fiance then I would have to cut someone. Why would you want to be with the man I almost marries anyways? I digress.
All in all if everyone is mature and sane (VERY IMPORTANT) inter-circle dating shouldn’t cause that many issues.
Reply
inter circle dating. i’ve had to deal with this more times than i would like, whether it’s me or friends that date friends. my circles always seem to inter lap. this world is entirely too small. luckily i’m a drama free type dude and i try my hardest to keep my business to myself. the fact that i’m still in school and my school is as small as it is makes it that much easier to mix and mingle. bruhs cooked out yesterday and i witnessed it first hand at least 4 different times.
Reply
How about when you date someone and your circles merge? Once yall break up, you can’t dissolve the circle you know? Thats the wose. Even worse if the common circles revolve around school/professional/greek life. Everyone knows the situation and is always “lookin” lol… its horrible.
That reminds me… I need to check to see if I’m off the Cruise W/ the Ques blacklist…
Reply
I could have written the book on this. I tend to only talk to the winning chicks. Chicks who have sh*t going on w/ their lives. Them chicks tend to hang out together or in similar circles. Thus, I date chicks from the same circle.
Someone upthread mentioned it – I’m not a person who worries about body counts all day long but there are some mofos that if they on you’re list, this sh*t is through
Reply
That anonymous one was me
Reply