Do You Intimidate Men?
I hope her face doesn't get stuck like that.
A while ago, I was listening to the Steve Harvey Morning Show and the topic was “Are Black Women Intimidating?” Between Steve’s remarks and the callers’ 2 cents, I got to reflecting (surprise surprise). It seems like while the “independent” and “strong” black woman image developed, a secondary trait came along with it–being “intimidating.”
Back before I even had I Bachelor’s degree, I bought into the “he’s intimidated by me” hype. In case you don’t know, this is one of the things an independent/strong woman may say when, for some reason, things don’t work between her and a man. “Oh he’s intimidated by my (money, car, degree, job, etc).” Instead of looking at what could be wrong with her personality, how she’s presenting herself, or what kind of woman she actually is, a woman may respond first by throwing it back at him, making the reason the two of them don’t work out about something he’s lacking (no piece size).
IHMO, this “intimidation” thing is B.S. Granted, there are some men out there who pass “Go” without collecting $200 at the idea of a woman earning more than him, having more education than him, or displaying certain types of “strong” personality traits. But I find it hard to believe that most men are intimidated by women with some level of achievement, or women who are not afraid to speak their minds, be strong, be ambitious, etc.
Maybe its a turn-off.
I know that I tend to walk around with the I-dare-someone-to-say-something-to-me look. I used to pride myself on mean mugging at all times. And if a man was bold enough to approach, it wouldn’t be unheard of for me to talk to him as though nothing he could say would make me think he deserved to talk to me beyond the initial 2-minute conversation. Sound familiar? So before I even got to “scare” a dude off by what I thought I had, he may have been turned off by my attitude. You say he’s intimidated. He calls you stank. See the difference?
Women reinforce our own negative thoughts and attitudes.
This is something that Steve mentioned, that I wanted to pretend wasn’t so. Women go to other women for support. That’s what makes our friendships so great. “Birds of a feather” and all that. But sometimes, as we flock to what feels comfortable and familiar, we support behaviors and thoughts that are not always productive. When your homegirl just broke things off with a dude, your first reaction is to support her side of things. While this makes for a good friend, it doesn’t keep us as honest with ourselves as we could be. ”Yeah, he couldn’t handle you girl.” But what if it was that he didn’t want to handle what she was presenting? What if its really YOU and not him?
You act like you don’t need him, so what’s the point?
If I go into dealings with a man by telling him about all the things I can do for myself, what the hell is left for him to add? And when he stops calling, I blame it on him not being able to measure up to me or what I can do. All the while, I wasn’t thinking about the fact that I was being too self-involved to see what he did have to offer. If a man need likes to feel needed, and a woman spends time telling him what he is not, and how he can’t do this or that for her, and he chucks her the deuces, that woman will likely label him all kinds of insecure, weak, and *gasp* intimidated. But is that really the case?
I’m not buying into this “Men are intimidated” stuff anymore. If you have used this term to describe yourself before, I implore you to summons the mirror on the wall. I’m not saying there aren’t men out there who can’t handle all that some women have to offer. I just think its worth taking a look at yourself and seeing what messages you could be sending.
Then again, what do I know? Men, has a woman ever told you that you were intimidated by her? Are some of the traits women call intimidating actually something else? Should women be proud of being ”intimidating”? Where does this image come from? It is justified?
Just trying to keep myself honest,
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Ok, I am going to comment on this real quick because a MALE friend of mine told me, “you intimidate him” when things didn’t work out with my last Ex. I thought on it for a second, then smiled because, it made me feel better at the time, though I didn’t really believe it to be true.
But upon further review, I realized that I do have the tendancy to do 3 things:
1) My “I’m too busy for a man, but I can get you a couple hours out of my day between 6 and 9pm” dance
2) Being aloof and sometimes standoffish, especially when things are fresh in the relationship.
3) Asking ALOT of questions and picking your brain (with sass included). Ie. Overthinking on my part.
I guess these things can be attributed to me being intimidating.
#workingonthat
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I would just chalk this all up to another one of the many double standards that exists, especially in the world of love & relationships.
Boosie said he wanted an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T woman and Ne-Yo & Jamie said they like when she “got her own”. The number one adjective I hear preceding “black woman’ is “strong”. We’re so accustomed to depending on no one else we generally don’t know how to be when there is someone to depend on. I would say you could describe any “strong” person, male or female, with that statement.
I have to say that there are PLENTY of men who really are intimidated by strong, beautiful, educated women and some (like my ex) will openly admit that. But I also have to say that there are PLENTY of black women with attitude problems and entitlement complexes (*ahem* won’t say names but sounds kinda like “I have a degree and a good job now where’s my mandigo warrior?”…see the Washington Post). I think it’s up to every woman to do just like you said, Miss Jenkins, and take a look into the mirror and figure out what’s REALLY goin on.
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I’ve been told two or three times that my looks are intimidating.
Now… I’m a sweet-faced, smile in place (or it’s near by) chick and even when the “intimidation” I supposedly possessed was explained, I never understood and continue to find it absurd.
Does a man’s intimidation of one’s looks differs from the intimidation of one’s success?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:57 am
Intimidation from looks and the appearance of success are 2 different animals. She’s outta my league because she stacks cheese at a law firm and I stack cheeseburgers is different from she’s outta my league because she’s a model and would probably only date model men.
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Peyso Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:29 am
Sometimes intimidation really means “She’s so bad that I actually have no chance in hell because all the other dudes can see how bad she is and some dude who has it more together than me is actually going to bag”
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:37 am
that is how I use it.
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I’ve never had a woman tell me that I was intimidated by her. And if one did, I would have gotten all macho on that a$$. Not sure if that woulda been good or bad for her.
On the other hand, I have been intimidated by a few chicks before. I’m not sure that it really had anything to do with their level of success. I’d say it was more between their personality and “outward appearance”. Some women really do broadcast that “I can get me a good man anytime” vibe, and it can be kinda uns*xy in a world where loyalty is waning and self-interest is dominant. I’m not trying to deal with her going out and flirting every time we have an argument because she needs to out there and prove “she still got it”.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 8:00 am
Interesting….So were you intimidated, or just turned off by her approach to things?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 8:53 am
I was both. I think the 2 of them can go hand in hand though. I’ve dated a couple of “intimidating” women as well. I eventually found that the “intimidating” factor was really a mask for something else.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:32 am
co-sign.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:25 am
Those silly masks…
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I have a girlfriend who likes to trot out intimidation as the underlying reason behind bad the behaviour of men I’ve dealt with. I don’t buy it. I think it’s a euphemism for laziness, disinterest or disrespect. I think it’s just a bedtime story women like to tell themselves to make them feel better.
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I haven’t actually im intimidated by you since I was in HS. I did however have a dude tell m o was too smart for him.
I don’t know how I feel about the “intimidation” factor. I think Tiff has it right. Some of us need to take a look in the motor and do some reflecting instead of saying ” he couldn’t handle all if this”
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This is a really great topic. I talk about this almost every day, especially when I’m single lol.
I agree with a lot of what you say; I do think a lot of (SBW) women push off as “intimidation” what is actually all of the things you have mentioned here.
However, I know that intimidation is a real and prevalent thing for some men when it comes to certain women. I’m not “assuming” a man is intimidated by me when he tells me “I’m kinda intimidated by you.” I have a lot of guy friends, or exes that when I asked them “Why did it take you 6 months to come up and talk to me?” or “Why did you wait for me to talk to you,” to which they reply… (see above). Then when I ask why, they usually give reasons like, I’m intelligent, or come from a good family, or more educated, or too pretty, or whatever. In the end, it’s never really flattering to me because it makes me feel like the only guys who are ever gonna approach me are men who just talk to every girl (whom I don’t want).
I once had a guy friend sit me down and give me the list of reasons he would NEVER try to talk to me, regardless how much he likes me. They all had to do with me being more ____ whatever than him, and not being able to feel like the man in the relationship. Needless to say, I ruled out ever seeing him in that light after that, but again, it made me feel kinda hopeless. Cuz I don’t give guys mean mugs, I don’t make them feel like they’re not needed, and I smile and talk to everyone I see. So for me, intimidation is real. I just have to find someone who doesn’t feel it with me. =/
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:28 am
That sounds kinda frustrating, especially if you aren’t being the woman with the bad attitude, or wearing the mask etc. *shrugs*
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Melanie Richardson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:37 pm
I’ve dealt with this “approachable issue” in my mind during single moments, as well. During those times when I questioned whether or not I was approachable enough, I eventually found it comforting. I thought of it as Gods’ protection – He would protect me from those people that weren’t for me. If it’s for you it will happen.
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Karla Reply:
February 5th, 2010 at 11:08 am
Well said!
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R*A*G Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Cosign! U must be my doppelganger
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Women shouldn’t be proud to be intimidating because no one ever really gets the honor of “knowing” them; I don’t think anyone really likes being alone, they simply make excuses for it.
This made me think of Sheree on RHOA, when in the opening, she says, “people are intimidated by my success.”
Newsflash: Sucess doesn’t have to be shouted, it simply speaks for you.
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Ash Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:03 am
Additional newsflash: Sheree (or Sherri, as her mama calls her), is not successful…marrying rich does not = success, boo.
*Boo = Sheree, not Sunny.
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Sunny Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:29 am
Dayum good point!
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ASmith Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:16 am
Can we get a “like” feature on these comments a la FB, cause I likes this one.
Both news flashes are gospel.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:25 am
“Who gon’ check me, boo??”
#hadtodoit
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Cheekie Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:36 am
“Newsflash: Sucess doesn’t have to be shouted, it simply speaks for you.”
Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, this right here is some gospel.
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So, I actually get this all the time and it is usually in initial conversations. I realized it came from the circles I was in where I was meeting men. I like to pride myself on having not changed much since getting the degrees etc. etc. and I will still hang on the block w/ my family or hit a hood club or do happy hour at the ghetto bar on ghetto side of town w/ my ghetto high school friends. If I am not at work you are likely to see me dressed in some little dress or jeans & a tee and don’t let me going to the club b/c i am usually THE MOST scandalous. So in those circles men I met would be shocked to find out what I did for a living or where I went to school etc. and were immediately intimidated. I constatnly heard but you don’t look like a lawyer….followed by either a) give me legal advice or b) good luck w/ that as they went to find somoene they felt was more on their level.
Alternatively, If I go to a networking event for young professionals or a nicer restaurant/bar for happy hour with the girls or the popular club event vs. the club that stays open all night and lets you bring your own bottle in, I will not meet men who are intimidated by my job or my degree or how much I make etc.
The only problem I have with this is I actually have no problem dating a bus driver, or the guy who works at Comcast or the military man who never finished college but these men automatically think I wouldn’t date them.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:20 am
“The only problem I have with this is I actually have no problem dating a bus driver, or the guy who works at Comcast or the military man who never finished college but these men automatically think I wouldn’t date them.”
To quote “He is just not that into you”, you are the exception to teh rule. Not the rule. I can’t blame the bus driver for being scared of you. B/c most female Lawyers and doctors act like snobs when they meet blue collar men. If I was blue collar, I would play the numbers game and just assume you were picky…
for evidence see that post in December about the “list”.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:17 am
Yea I get that I am the exception…but sometimes I think men shouldn’t be so quick to judge me either. I have friends who have clowned me in the past for dating men who are blue collar, or even downright no collar (ie mr. white tee) but I guess seeings how in my family there are very few of us who became professionals I know that the job doesn’t make the man…hell if I had a man that was like my step-dad (who never attended college) I would be proud to be the breadwinner b/c he would be worth it…but I digress.
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Peyso Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:32 am
“I will not meet men who are intimidated by my job or my degree or how much I make” – I think that some dudes simply have everything to gain by throwing out a shot in the dark.
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I’ve never been told that I was intimidating, but I listen to men’s remarks in the beginning convos and I “assess” according. I think the most obvious red flag is, “So, what type of men do you date… NFL players, NBA…?” Then, I’m often asked why I’m frequenting an establishment… as if chillin with regular folk is beneath me. Really? These comments usually come from the management and they proceed to tell me of “high-end” clubs where it cost crazy $$ to enter. Please… I club once-in-a-while, not that serious. Anyway… a lil’ off track there. On my first note, (what type of men) – to me this says that we would have problems. I spent years dealing with men that were not necessarily intimated by me, but intimated by the possibility that an “athlete” could scoop me up. Now these comments are made in 1st convos before, as SJ remarks, I could give off the “loyalty” vibe or have any type of discussion on how I handle things. I leave these dudes where I met them. I want to love a man, not spend time convincing him that he’s just as much of a man or more of a man than some random athlete that I’ve never met. He needs to know that for himself.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:03 am
“I want to love a man, not spend time convincing him that he’s just as much of a man or more of a man than some random athlete that I’ve never met.”
Me too! It unfortunate that men write some women off because of assumptions. But its another thing when some women act in a way that makes people (men and women included) not want to even get beyond the first convo.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:46 pm
“So, what type of men do you date… NFL players, NBA…?”
1) Where did this question come from and WHY do men think it’s a good opener? Like how many women out there are actually dating ballers?
2) Why do they always say it with an attitude? I don’t think it’s cute when women put on fake “stank” and I find it particularly unattractive when men do it.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:16 pm
I thought the same thing…
maybe she works with Ball Players?
#Kanyeshrug
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Melanie Richardson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:42 pm
No, I don’t work with ball players or stars… lol. After hearing it a couple of times I started asking…, why they asked that question? All said the same thing – because of my appearance. Maybe it’s an Atlanta thing. The attitude that I got from them was a defeatist attitude. It was like they felt comfortable enough to approach me becuz they had already shot themselves down, hence no fear of feeling my rejection. Regardless, I viewed it as a weird form of intimidation outside of my realm or they simply had low self-esteem. I can’t foresee the future… if I did meet a baller, was I then automatically going to be guilty of flirting/cheating? Too many if-then possibilities becuz of their assumptions. Keep it moving.
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I’m not sure about this topic. I mean the whole source of the conversation is Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. The same Steve Harvey that has been married three times and has six children. I’m sorry but when taking advice about something, you have to consider the source.
And Miss Jenkins, you wrote some interesting points that got me thinking but I implore you to consider your source…which is Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey…a straight Black man, who has been married three times and who won’t ever be a single Black woman. It’s not that I’m saying everything Steve said was 100% wrong or that he doesn’t have a few valid opinions. But, they are just that…opinions. And they come from a thrice married man.
And personally, I can’t take advice from someone who has never been & never will be in my situation. I believe that we can (like Ms Jenkins did) explore some of the points that ppl. like Steve make but we have to remember what horse’s mouth the advice is coming from.
Maybe I am intimidating, maybe I’m not. But, I know that I can’t continue to sit around and diagnose myself or try to figure what’s wrong or right with me all the time. This type of thinking will simply drive me crazy and it won’t solve anything. The fact of the matter is: #itiswhatitis and #whatwillbe #willbe. Always remember that.
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Peyso Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:35 am
Ultimately, you shouldnt take advice from any one source. You should leverage all the resources you have available to you. Listening only to Steve is just as bad as listening only to the home girl who says every guy is intimidated. No one is saying that you should always been in a state of introspection trying to self diagnose yourself but the problem is that there too many people (men and women) who dont do it at all
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:43 am
Well said bruh.
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LoudPen Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Peyso, you nailed it dude! *pause* Sorry, meant to say you made perfect sense.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:50 am
I would hope you know me better than that boo!
I took and still take his words with a grain of salt. He sparked my thoughts on the topic, but I did not derive all my points from him as though what he said was gospel. And true, he’s not a single black woman, but he is a man. I do appreciate his male perspective. I took some of his thoughts, along with other men I know, and developed my own.
My real source of my commentary was myself and women I have known, things I’ve read, life I’ve lived. I’ve been single long enough and have enough single friends (on and off) to develop reflections on the topic.
And I’m a big fan of introspection. We all have a little wiggle room from change and improvement.
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LoudPen Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:54 am
Miss Jenkins, I’m sorry if I offended you! I didn’t think you took everything Steve said to be the entire truth but I think the post did kinda read that way so I think that’s why my comment read the way it did. Anyway, you’re right Steve is a man and men know what men want, right? So I guess we’ll do like you said and be introspective and remember that we can reflect on the topic. As long as we get the convo going it doesn’t matter how the convo got started.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:00 pm
Oh no boo. No offense taken. Thank you for expressing your thoughts. Great post by the way…I shared my thoughts
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LoudPen Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Well I’m glad to hear it, hon! I don’t like to offend. And yes, it was an excellent post b/c u definitely elicited some emotion out of me! I was like: ohmigosh, so & so doesn’t like me cause I’m intimidating. Personally, this topic is just a touchy one for me cause ppl. have been telling me I’m intimidating since high school. It’s really annoying and something I struggle with all the time so it makes me very EMO.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:09 pm
I hear you boo. Looking in the mirror ain’t always easy. Trust, I know.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:52 am
wait a darn minute.
I hate Steve Harvey more than anybody. But I hate him b/c he is a snitch and lets you woman in on good tips, advice, and coaches y’all on how to avoid the #swindle.
As a dirtbag, I feed off the mistakes Dad’s make in raising daughters. Steve corrects those mistakes and limits the amount of victims I can take advantage of. He is the greatest weapon you have against me and my evil syndicate of henchmen.
Its like Doc Rivers refusing to watch Phil Jackson’s pratices. Why would you not want to learn from your oppenent? Sure we men are not in your situation, however you never been in a man’s. Surely, you agree that a whole relationship can’t work only looking for your perspective?
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LoudPen Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:00 pm
No, I’m not saying that the only way to get good advice is to talk to someone who has been your situation. I am saying that you have to consider your sources and the Steve Harvey is not a good source for relationship advice (IMO). He’s not a woman, and he’s been married mulitple times, so in essence what the H-E-double hockey sticks does he know about keeping anybody or anything?! I would say the same thing about women who take relationship advice from Oprah. She is not married (and IMO involved in a lesbian relationship) so what does she know about keeping a man?
When taking advice, I think you have to look at what the person has going on in their life, if what they are saying makes any sense, and how plausible their advice is. I for one can’t take Steve seriously but I do think he makes some sense (meaning I’ll think about listening to his show every once in awhile), and some of his advice is plausible. Maybe some women (me included) are intimidating but it’s the vibe we give off and not necessairly our life accomplishments.
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lol i had to chuckle to myself while reading this.
while i do see where you are coming from, i don’t think i could ever see myself being intimidated by a woman. maybe its just me but if a woman portrays the qualities that you stated and i decide not to pursue things, i really don’t care what she has to say after that. if i’m intimidated in her eyes then fine.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:54 am
That’s right. Leave her standing there looking salty.
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Tunde Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:07 am
lol it has happened before. and then i’m the asshole though. not that i care about being called that either. lol
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Well I also think that being friendly and approachable only helps a little bit. Because it’s other women that mess it up for those of us who aren’t bothered by men talking to us. I just realized this when I was on the way to breakfast and this guy who works downstairs caught up with me and walked me there. I asked him (since it was on my mind) why is it that he could come up and talk to me when most guys don’t. To which he responded “Well, you always smile and say hi to me, so I figured you were friendly and approachable. Whereas most guys might assume because you’re attractive, you’re probably stuck up and feed off rejecting men.”
That was interesting to me and I thought I’d share it. A lot of guys can’t even get past the initial “she looks like a typical attractive SBW” factor regardless what you’re putting out. But I guess it doesn’t hurt to TRY to be friendly. Since the more confident men seem to push through the initial judgment. And at least it doesn’t perpetuate the stereotype that turns them off in the first place…
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AkShone Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
“Well, you always smile and say hi to me, so I figured you were friendly and approachable. Whereas most guys might assume because you’re attractive, you’re probably stuck up and feed off rejecting men.”
There’s a lot of truth in what he said. There are many complexities in approaching a beautiful woman that I don’t think women will ever understand and men pay a lot of attention (smart ones, anyway) to the particular woman before the approach.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as watching her reaction to others that will determine if he will even attempt.
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I’ve never been told by a man that I’m intimidating. Not that I can recall I guess its because I smile a lot and seem happy–except when I’m not. lol. I’ve been told by women that I have a “look” that’s not approachable before though and that was when I was in college. I think I do at times have a focused “I’m about my business stay out of my way” look sometimes. its not offensive though. I don’t think I could intimidate a man by just existing….
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Reecie Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:56 am
I will admit that I’m pretty high maintenance though. not sure if that adds to anything…
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AkShone Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:31 pm
…it can, but some dudes appreciate that too. It’s a toss-up.
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The thing is, a degree, a good job and whatever assets Webbie listed in
“I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T” don’t intimidate men – it’s the attitude that can come with it.
I currently reside in Boston, where there are a lot of entitled Black women. Picture ATL, but the complete opposite gender ratio. There are few good looking Black women up here, hence the high rate of interracial dating. Therefore some Black women get a high and mighty stance and feel they’re the cream of the crop. Meanwhile if you took these same women to NYC, ATL or DC, they’d disappear in the crowd.
No degree, awards or looks for that matter intimidate me or some of the friends I have. It’s the same for my boys who are Blue Collar workers to those who are Masters degree holders.
At the end of the day, I’m just not going to walk up to some chick, kick game and be nice to them if they look like they smell shit on their upper lip. I don’t really surround myself with women or men like that, so I’m not going to go out of my way to bring someone in the fold that does act like that.
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ASmith Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:12 am
I currently reside in Boston, where there are a lot of entitled Black women. Picture ATL, but the complete opposite gender ratio. There are very few good looking Black women up here, hence the high rate of interracial dating. Therefore Black women get a high and mighty stance and feel they’re the cream of the crop. Meanwhile if you took these same women to NYC, ATL or DC, they’d disappear in the crowd.
Are you intimidated by the attitudes of these types of women or disgusted?
Sometimes I think women misread men who are irked by that entitled attitude as being intimidated.
We tell our girls “He didn’t holla cause he’s intimidated” when really, he was going to speak, but her whole demeanor was ridiculous and he wasn’t intimidated, he was disgusted with it.
I mean, I can see it from a man’s POV on this one. It’s like, women want you to make the first move, but then have the nerve to get stank?
I promise, sometimes, I wonder how the hell men deal with us.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:54 am
Disgusted is a strong word, I would say turned off. Some women are just unpleasant to interact with and I’m not going to force myself to be around that.
“I promise, sometimes, I wonder how the hell men deal with us.”
…I’m going to toe around that land mine while giving a silent thumbs up.
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ASmith Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 11:58 am
LoL; Good call on your silent approval.
Meanwhile, you’re right — disgusted is strong (I didn’t feel like trying for a better word).
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:22 pm
I know what you are saying about Boston’s lack of Talent?
But Cape Verde holds that town down pretty heavy.
Slight Brazilian look.
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5 years, ok…maybe 2, I would’ve just shrugged off this post and continued to blame my failure in the dating world on my alleged intimidation factor. Not that I was really failing, but it is a boon to a girl’s ego to think she’s so attractive/successful that men are afraid to approach her.
Nowadays, I agree with everything you posted. The last thing I want to be thought of as unapproachable, but I also don’t want every dude on the street coming up to me. It’s not the easiest thing to balance, but I’d rather be approached by many than none at all.
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I have a friend who’s had the same song-and-dance happen to her with the last 3 guys she’s been interested in.
She likes them.
She forces the issue
They relent initially, then…
They quit calling…
I mean, for 3 guys over the span of 2 months, this was the song and dance and everytime she had the same conclusion “they were intimidated…”
Now, though, she’s really beginning to wonder if it’s her. I think all women may run across a man or two who is legitimately intimidated but this doesn’t happen everytime. I think when a relationship goes sour, it’s always beneficial to take a minute and ponder what your contribution to the #fail was.
I think the reason this is women’s go-to explanation is because it does happen and it’s a feel-good response. I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possible explanations and I don’t think it’s a ridiculous thought to have — but it isn’t always the answer and shouldn’t be the go-to answer, either.
A guy I’ve known for almost 10 years is trying to get at me now. He claims it was “love at first sight,” but a friend of mine wondered how 10 years passed before he said anything. He claims he didn’t think he had a shot with me, even in high school. I’m sitting here scratching my head because how was I intimidating in high school? And even still, he’s real hesitant with his advances (hell, it took us 10 years to get here… ::sigh::). Anyway, this situation has had me thinking about the “intimidation” factor and what are realistic answers to that. I mean, what should women do to make sure that’s not ever a potential issue?
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One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that while I do not have a perma-scowl on my face when walking down the street (I smile at everyone when I look at them…of course, the size of the smile depends on
Boris Kodjoe look-alikethe person), I do tend to think a lot so I may look unapproachable at times. When I’m not engaging anyone, I tend to daze off into deep thought. I’ve always been that way and have been the receiving end of the “What’s wrong?” question all my life. I can’t tell you how many times I had to say, “NOTHING!!” with a “Are you crazy?” kind of laugh. But, then again, a true confident brotha will know how to approach me if they ever see me in that state. You can always start off with a question like, “What you thinkin’ about?”. Might get me to smile.Unless it’s Monday mornning.Reply
Reecie Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:17 pm
yeah I relate with the “whats wrong?” most of the time nothings wrong, you are just daydreaming. I think we’ve had this >>>>here<<<<< moment before in regards to the 'in your own world' thing.
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Cheekie Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
“I think we’ve had this >>>>here<<<<< moment before in regards to the 'in your own world' thing."
*nods* Yup, I remember that!
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Shout out to all who caught the self-reflection point of this point…
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Tunde Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:10 pm
#shots
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 12:18 pm
lol. #justsayin
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Excellent post!!!
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Personally, I haven’t been intimidated by the accomplishments or looks of a woman. I’ve ran across women that have considered themselves to be “strong”, however they’re really just loud and lack tact.
On the other hand, there are some dudes that will tell a woman outright that their success makes them feel uncomfortable. You shouldn’t be messing with a generally insecure person like that in the first place.
I like this post.
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My besty’s default “cheer you up” answer to any man issue is always “GIRLLLLLL… he’s just intimidated by you!” I’ve always thought that was complete BS.
HOWEVER…
I will say that while I don’t think I’ve ever intimidated a man in the sense that said man couldn’t “handle” me or my success or whatever, but I do think some men get intimidated by having to step their game up to holla at a woman who’s got her ish together or is on their level.
Perfect example – a few years back I was talking to this guy who I always thought was Mr. Perfect, in fact, at one time I thought he was out of my league. We grew up together and he was the guy that everybody’s momma wanted them to marry. (No really my mom told me to marry him lol). He was the poster boy for chivalry. He’s way metro, but is also a man’s man, he’s super educated, speaks multiple languages, goes to church, does charity work. He was the type that in high school on valentine’s day he’d come to school with a ton of roses and hand them out to every girl in our class… yeah all the dudes HATED him! lol!
So, post-college, we got to talking one night and I discovered that he has liked me since grade school and vice versa. Eventually we started kicking it and I was all excited…. I was dating Mr. Perfect… or so I thought.
He worked crazy hours at his law firm and I knew that going in, but he said he wanted to take some time for us to get to know each other as adults and so I took him at his word. As months went by I became increasingly frustrated with the lack of effort on his part. Where’s Mr. Romantic? We went out for about 7 months and in that time we went to dinner once… at Ruby Tuesdays… o_O (normally I’d be fine w/ that but he’s a food snob and always goes in on how RT’s is like McD’s). I eventually got tired of waiting around for his actions to catch up with his words, and I basically fell out of like w/ him.
After things dissolved I just couldn’t figure out what the problem was and after talking to some of our mutual male friends I discovered that he was in fact intimidated. Not by me necessarily but by the prospect of dating someone on his level. I had never really paid attention to his girlfriends but upon further inspection… he dates hoodrats and scallywags. He likes to be that guy who takes a chick out the hood and introduces them to a “cultured lifestyle”. Me, yeah I’ve been there done that. He lives on that next level so he’s gonna wow any chick who’s never been exposed to anything by default. With me it might take effort and THAT intimidated him.
I think a lot of guys are guilty of this. They want something easy and when they see meet a woman that potentially might take them out of their comfort zone or might require more effort than their used to they get all in their head and psych themselves out.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Last couple paragraphs on this comment are beast. I never thought about this, but it makes complete sense.
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Tunde Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:07 pm
yeah it does make sense. although i also see a lot of pitfalls of a lawyer dating hoodrats and scallywags. lol
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:41 pm
“i also see a lot of pitfalls”
He can’t take her anywhere?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Amazing story.. Black Educated Professional Woman are so sure that the world wants what they are cooking? They never considered what a man actually wants.
Could we make an arguement that a ninja is better off dating a Community College Dropout than a Medical Doctor? Esp if the CC girl looks better?
P.S. I still think that dude is a *u&&y for bringing in all those flowers come Vday. Give my girl a flower and I’ll punch you in the face.
#tryingtomakemelookbad
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 4:29 pm
Every dude in our HS rolls their eyes when his name is mentioned and I have several boys who were way too happy when I came to the realization that he’s 1/2 man, 1/2 unamazing.
The roses were small in comparison to his other feats.. On my besty’s 16th birthday, he shows up at school w/ 24 pink roses, took her on a mini-spree at the mall and then on our way back to school he announces it’s her birthday in the middle of Metro Center (busiest subway station in DC) and had the entire station sing her Happy Birthday…
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Debonaire NUPE Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 4:54 pm
I dont think the man is necesarily intimidated…perhaps he just likes the chase part of the game. Alot of men are like that….Why do I feel like that? why must I chase the cat? It doesnt make him a dog or “unamazing” perhaps he’s just cool with the feeling of nostalgia that accompanies the newness of early on dating. You cant knock him for that. In any dating situation, I think you should expect nothing but appreciate anything that is good.
It is kind of odd that he only sprung for Ruby Tuesdays but perhaps in your conversations about McDonald’s and foods of such, you mentioned to him that you had no issue with RT or like places and so he took you were you were cool with being? And again, you were just “dating” ole boy…do you honestly think you DESERVED for him to take you somewhere 5 star and drop a few Benjamins on dinner? My idea of a cool date…let’s go to the park! Its free and all you can do is walk, talk and interact with ME!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:10 pm
“In any dating situation, I think you should expect nothing but appreciate anything that is good.”
word.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:34 pm
I ain’t trying to get into all of it (cause you know there’s always more to the story) but he is definately UNAMAZING…
He gets the side-eye for Ruby Tuesday’s only because he tried to make me feel bad an many occasions for eating there (he literally scoffed in disgust). I wasn’t looking for benjamins I was looking for effort. And YES I deservedd the effort. Our first “going out” date we were supposed to get up for 4th of July. He called me that morning to tell me what time to be ready, then, hours later calls 15mins AFTER he was supposed to be at my place to tell me he wasn’t coming, that he got caught up with some church youth event and wasn’t gonna make it.
He basically ruined my holiday. I nixed all other plans for what turned out to be something he wasn’t at all sure he was gonna be able to do. Had he have told me our plans weren’t definite I could have planned accordingly but he didn’t. Also, he lives a good hour away from my house. He knew an hour before he called that he was gonna be late, let alone not gonna make it at all.
Our next date I took him to the Sugarwater Festival to see Jill Scott, Erykah Badu and India.Arie. He was supposed to take care of dinner but again got caught up in some other plans and was super late. We ended up getting to the concert 45mins late and had to skip dinner.
Our next, “date” like activity, he called me at work and flipped out about some ish at his job. I wanted to do something nice for him so I made him this cheer-up 1/2 homemade “dessert” basic w/ cookies, candy, and trinkets from my desk. We sat and talked and then I went home and he went back to work.
I do a lot. That’s what I do. Anyone who’s ever dated me can attest to the fact that I know how to make a nucca feel special and appreciated, and I just wasn’t getting that from him AT ALL. He talked a good game, and made a lot of promises but it was all just talk. Yeah if I stopped by the job he’d put me in a cab and kiss me goodnight and ask the cabbie to please make sure I made it home safely and to take good care of me. He’d call me sweetheart, and dearest and all that yang. He was a perfect gentleman and doted on me all the time and I loved that. But words can only carry you so far. Words are easy, especially for a lawyer.
If he was any other dude I would have quit way sooner, but I held out for the promise of the myth…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:01 pm
In the middle of the subway? Who is this guy?
Wait, he did this for your friend? hmm…
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:41 pm
We have the same best friend. They’ve went to school together K-12. I doubt he has interest in her. I KNOW she has no interest in him. Shoulda seen her face when I told her we were “dating”. She nearly threw-up when I tried to give her “details”. To this day we have a no talking about that rule lol.
He’s just extra. When my mom passed he stopped by my house while I was out to pray with my dad (did I mention he’s a PK). It was a beautiful gesture but still extra. He also sang a song for me at a school assembly the next week. He Kanye’d whoever was at the podium and was like “we need to support our sister in her time of need” and then bursted into song. It was touching… extra… but touching.
I hate that he’s a douche… it’s SOOOOOO disappointing.
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I have had a woman tell me that I needed her more than she needed me. However, she quickly, VERY QUICKLY changed her tone. Those are the types of sentiments that only tear apart foundations, not add anything to them. What women should realize is that once noted, men never forget these types of displays and so it really pays dividends to think before speaking or acting in such crude ways. While I have never been intimidated by any woman, I have found that some have often been overly ambitious. And by this I mean that some shoot for Denzel when they are Little Mamma at best. This more often than not is what leads to the ” ‘Eff him girl!” mentality. This mentality follows for some time and when later coupled with academic and or career achievement, it develops into the “you cant do anything for me” mentality. Perhaps a liberating display fueled by a desire for revenge for lack of dating “practice” as a teenager? “Back then they didn’t want me…now I THINK I’m hot, they all on me!” Listen women, there are only so many “head cheerleader spots” available in high school and chances are, if you are the MBA, PhD flaunting woman as an adult, you probably weren’t the popular girl that the captain of the football team sought after as a teenager and as a result you probably just don’t know how to date, probably don’t know how to properly interact with men so that they would WANT to be around you. Additionally, all women don’t get a Denzel and all men don’t get a Halle Berry. So be realistic in your expectation. I think there is a balance that exists in the world. It is comprised of who you are as a person and what you bring to the table. Those two things are not the same. “oh girl he’s a lawyer…doctor..Engineer” are typical attitudes displayed by women because it embraces the traditional mindset taught to women by women in their families. “Security and stability are what you look for”. But what about the type of person he is? What are his values? These things become secondary to what he has or does. It’s similar to asking a person 1. What do you like about me? and 2. What do you think of me? The answers shouldn’t be the same. None the less, who you are, coupled with what you bring speaks to the type of person you will mesh well with, in most cases. I think that the “what you bring” portion is what needs to be further thought out by “strong, independent, black women” now days. Because while you may bring a wall full of degrees, a six figure paycheck and a financially ambitious mindset to the table, these things mean nothing to a man when he is considering long term things that matter to most men. Why won’t these things matter…simple, because men look for a support and a compliment. While it may be nice that you are out there getting this money, it’s probably better that you get along well with my mother. Because I’m going to be getting this money with or without you out there getting it too! Things that matter….. Do I get along with her easily? Is she nagging me constantly? Can I just be me? Is she a “DIVA” around all of my friends? Is her attitude constantly negative? Will she be a good mom…like the mom I had? Those are deal breakers; those are things that matter most to men who are about their business… However if you feel differently…as Kanye said, you can use your degrees to keep you warm at night, sweetheart.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 6:23 pm
Great comment! Though, if I said some of that stuff, I’d be wrong…
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Good article, but I don’t necessarily agree with it. Yes, it sounded like the lady needed a personal change, but I kinda think she went backwards a little bit. Now it seems like she will bow down to any man just to have someone in her life. DON’T SETTLE!!
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