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It’s None of Your Business
*presses play on tape player*
Keisha: *plops down on couch* Girl you aren’t gonna believe what I’m about to tell you!
Jackie: *opens bag of popcorn* *listens intently*
Keisha: I was at the club last night and guess who I saw kissing up all over some skank’s neck?
Jackie: You better not say Jerome because I saw his shady behind getting some broad’s number last week.
Keisha: *O_O* How is he gonna treat Tameka like that? Wait. Why you ain’t tell me???
Jackie: That’s not the point. What are we gonna tell Tameka?
Keisha: *looks through phone* I dunno but we need to say something to Jerome’s triflin’ behind too. You have his BBM?
Jackie: *opens laptop* Nah, but I have his gchat… *rapid fire typing ensues*
Keisha: That’s right girl! *picks up phone* Let me call Tameka right now!
Although I made up the above scenario, it has bits and pieces of stories I’ve seen, heard, or talked about in the last few weeks. Women like Jackie and Keisha are at the center of real relationships getting ruined, friendships falling to pieces, ex-boos getting harassed, and television drama unfolding. Women (and men…I guess) like this think it is appropriate to insert themselves into their friends’ relationship, meddling all up in Kool-Aid with no clue as to the flavor. Unfortunately, we all know women like this. And while they may have good intentions, they don’t respect boundaries, like to gossip, and may have some other combination of less than desirable traits.
If you know a woman like this, don’t tell her your business. Seriously. I know of an instance when two friends almost came to blows because one felt inclined to facebook stalk the boo of the other and drum up all kinds of assumptions and misconceptions. No bueno. If you have been either Keisha or Jackie, the following words are dedicated to you:
Mind your business.
A man-friend once asked me how I would react to a dude who did some dirt to one of my homegirls. My answer: I wouldn’t. Not to him at least. Her relationship is not my business. He’s not my business. And while I may throw him the mean-mug from across the room or cuss him out behind his back, it is not my place to approach him in any way about what he did, what he shouldn’t have done, how he is reacting, or who his new trick lady is.
Does the situation change when you see the dirt get done?
I watched Why Did I Get Married last night and remembered at how complicated this situation can be. Here’s the scene. Start at 0:25. I’ll wait.
*Folds arms. Taps foot.*
If you’ve never seen the movie or can’t watch at work, in short, at dinner, Angela tells Sheila that Sheila’s husband is cheating on her. Although I’ve never had to make this decision, my instinct tell me to keep my mouth shut. However, I can’t say that I would not want to tell my friend that her man was cheating or doing some other kind of grimy act. Would I shout it from the mountain tops? No. Would I do my best to make sure I had concrete I’ve-seen-it-with-my-own-eyes proof before I said anything? Damn straight. Hunches, inclinations, and maybe sorta kinda ideas are not enough to deliver what could be a final blow to a relationship, and maybe even your friendship.
Why be concerned about the friendship?
Because the messenger might get caught in the crossfire. And regardless of his or her intentions, the friend trying to do the right thing may take some heat for bringing the information to light, while the shady act or individual gets lost in shuffle. It’s a double edged sword. If you say something, you get hollered at like you’re the shady one. If you know but don’t say anything, you’ll probably get called out for being a bad friend. The situation will only get more complicated if you’re friends with both people. Oy vey.
Here are my rules of thumb:
- Follow your instinct. It’s usually right.
- Make your best effort to mind your business.
- If you think you know something, mind your business.
- If you know you know or saw something, weigh the costs and benefits of telling your friend. Imagine yourself in his or her shoes, then proceed accordingly. Maybe.
- Don’t facebook/twitter/BBM/gchat stalk the boos of your friends. Go read a book or something.
- Make your best effort to mind your business.
What do you think? Should friends get involved in their friends’ relationships? Why or why not? Does it matter if you saw the grimy act or know about it first-hand? Should you approach the dirt-doer first? Have you every approached your friend’s boo or ex about their relationship? What happened? Do men handle these situations differently than women? In what ways? Why? Share the good stories. It’ll help us all get through the day.
My mind is my business,
42 Responses to “It’s None of Your Business”
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I’ve never been in this situation.. Whenever my friend’s fiance’s (Or husband) has been cheating, I’ve never known. I will say that in both instances, both women that were cheated on cut ties with everyone in their camp that knew..
It is seen as a betrayal if you know something and nothing is said. But yeah, it does have a tendency to have some “Springer Moments.” But that’s just something that’s been discussed between me and the 2-3 women that I can close friends..
I’m just glad that I have never been put in that situation.. Considering I don’t really speak unless I’m absolutely sure (and that’s everything, not just cheating) then yeah, I’d make absolutely sure before my mouth opens..
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What do you think? Should friends get involved in their friends’ relationships? Why or why not?
^^^No because it could ruin your own friendship…people get stupid over S/Os.
Does it matter if you saw the grimy act or know about it first-hand?
^^^It might but it would depend on how grimy the act is that i saw. If it was REALLY bad, i’d pray about it and figure out if i need to tell the person (especially if it could jeopardize their health). I have talked to my mom about her boy person and she just ignores me about him (but that’s my mom & if i fear her for her health/safety, i will tell her).
Should you approach the dirt-doer first?
^^^noooooooooooooooooooo *takes a breath* oooooooooooooooo! That isn’t the friend’s place to do so!
Have you ever approached your friend’s boo or ex about their relationship? What happened?
^^^Definitely not…it is not within my rights to do such a thing.
Do men handle these situations differently than women? In what ways? Why?
^^^I have no clue on this one! Maybe they’ll treat it like a carfax type situation?
Good post, i totally agree that one should mind their own business…too many messy people out there…
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If I see one of my homies s/os doing something “they arent suppose to”, I’ll just holla at my peoples like “yo, you still deal wioth such n such?” and if they say yes, then I have to figure out a way to tell them, but I would want someone to tell me too, so I would definitely speak up.
No need to gossip, bec that automatically puts you in the wrong. just be true to your friends, thats all
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Carver Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:14 am
#cosign
i would wanna know too. you wouldn’t let your friend walk around with something in their teeth, or a booger hangin out their nose would you? it may seem like a simple comparison, but to me it’s the exact same. don’t let your friend walking around looking like a fool IF they are unaware of it.
but if they know about it and don’t care then to each his own. i subscribe to the mentality of “if you know what you’re doing, you ain’t doin’ bad” – JMikey
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SBF Addicted to Retail Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:18 am
See the only issue w/ this… is that IF they are unaware of the shady actions of their SO. I was in a situation similar to this and while I believed my friend was unaware… she was fully aware. I think her crying and cursing at him (later to be swindled back into a relationship) was more of a “you let other people find out you were cheating on me!!” than a “omg!! you cheated!!” you know? It was quite awkward.
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Carver Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:47 am
any situation is awkward if you have the ok to do something, but then get chastised for telling others about it.
if she allowed the cheating, then that’s on her…other people finding out is just collateral damage.
like i said, if you know what you’re doing, then you ain’t doing bad
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Streetz Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Ive been in a situation where someone snitched on me, yet I neither did anything wrong, nor knew of any Kyana they spoke about. I was soo tight at the friend who “spoke up” because we’re cool and she could’ve spoke to me to ask. Instead she caused unnecessary drama. Thats the stuff I dont condone
I got boys who’ll see a chick that their homeoys is messin with, and if they doing anything shady he’ll be like “im gonna tell xyz that I saw you here!” LOL
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Carver Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 12:47 pm
i don’t know no f**kin kyana!!!!!
lmao…that took me back.
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I would be so torn. But, my first inclination would be to tell my friend. I would not do that until I FIRST had undeniable proof….but I would tell because I would want someone to tell me if the situation were reversed.
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If I have proof- like I saw a text or heard a phone call or saw them knockin’ le boots- I’d have to tell my friend. I’d be raging if one of my girls saw my man embarrassing me and didn’t say anything. I’ve also been there were kept my mouth shut when I had proof and it didn’t turn out well.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:07 am
How did it play out?
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Little Miss Sunshine Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:35 am
I didn’t lose the friend then but the trust was ruined and he would continuously throw it in my face when he was angry. I saw the texts from guy A’s girl to a guy friend of mine and I had even spoken with guy friend about what was going on with guy A’s girl but decided not to say anything.
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If I learned anything from “Jersey Shore”, it’s that you tell your friend what the deal is from the jump. Of course you shouldn’t be meddling in anyone’s relationship, but if you have first hand knowledge of what went down, you have to let them know what’s up.
I’d rather my friend be mad at me for being the messenger than be mad at me for letting him look like a fool.
And yes, I used “Jersey Shore” as a point of reference for a life lesson.
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The Honorable and Rather Articulate Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, LLC, Dark as the Night that covers me Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:37 am
I know you already went over this, but I have to ask again…
Did you just use Jersey Shore as a point of reference for a life lesson??
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Seattle Washington Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:05 pm
Yes sir. Yes I did.
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olivya23 Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
The problem with this reference, although I agree, is that Sammie KNEW Ronnie was on some BS but because she sucks at life she refused to believe it. Ronnie could have told her the sky was black and she would have believed him, but if JWow said the exact same thing she wouldn’t. She was a fool from the get-go.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
The sky gets black in the night time.
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Rum Punch Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
HAHAHA! This is the exact scenario that came to mind whilst I was reading this post. Hangs head in shame that I have been watching Jersey Shore. But yep! I told my homegirl that this is proof that women have a hard time being honest with each other. Whereas ‘The Situation’ just laid it on the table for Sammie and was like he ain’t ish.
But this is also proof that just because you tell, very rarely does it make a difference or have an impact on the relationship. And then you be all mad that they still togethr. LMAO! We all know Sammie will go back to Ronnie. I have a friend and I know for a fact her husband (not her man or her bf, her freakin husband) has been unfaithful. I could say something, have thought about saying something, but history has proven that if I tell it a. won’t make a difference b. she probably already knows and has accepted this as her fate.
I think the real problem is that you keep your mouth shut, but you and your friends been laughing and talking about the situation for-ever. Then the person finds out and it’s like, “oh yeah. You ain’t know?”
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Be On It Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
I soooo had this happen to me. Pissed me off to the highest level, and sad to say, made me keep my mouth shut when i saw shenanigans committed by the SOs of my alleged friends.
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Lanny Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 4:37 pm
I, too thought of the Jersey Shore episode when reading this. I’d tell my friend. I think it’s worst knowing and not telling your friend and letting them go on looking like a fool. I’d want someone to tell me.
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My first inclination is to mind my business. However at the end of the day…I’d tell my friend. But it would have to be one of my bestie’s for me to risk getting caught up in some drama.
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Jemsstar Reply:
September 8th, 2010 at 1:45 pm
I was going to say exactly the same thing. It would depend on who the person was, and who they are to you. I have a few friends that are basically my sisters from another mother, and if I saw their SO doing something foul, I would definitely tell them. The thing is you cannot expect them to do what you would do about the situation, you just have to tell them and let them work out their problems on their own. Me personally, if my friends saw something and didn’t tell me, I would be pissed off to the highest level of pissivity!! A real friend would tell, but you must know who your real friends are first.
BTW the Sammy/Ronnie situation bothered me, because JWow was more concerned with saving herself than saving her “friend” from embarrassment. That kind selfish way of thinking proves that they aren’t really friend, but there are soo many people out there that think just like that.
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i personally believe in “informing” the perpetrator that you’re aware of their indiscretion. that way if you do tell the friend later, you don’t seem like a snitch/shady/backstabber/etc…
i know this isn’t always the most drama-free resolution but it does ensure that i don’t have any bottled up feelings if/when the situation settles. there’s not much worse then wishing you’d have said something, but remained silent.
also this gives the offender the chance to “explain” their behavior…i.e. a simple “we got into a fight and we broke up last night” from them could alleviate any potential drama.
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Hmm, I’d have to say something. But I’d be sure I knew the situation/context of what I saw/read/heard.
But yes, tell the person. NOT in a public setting or around other people, though.
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I’ve been the one who didn’t know my man was cheating because all of our friends kept me in the dark. It’s not a good place to be and honestly I forgave the cheating long before I forgave all the people who had me looking like a fool because they were afraid to get involved.
If it was a good enough friend, I would tell. Acquaintances, co-workers, twitterpeeps I’m staying out of it but for a real friend, if I know something for sure I’m telling. What s/he chooses to do with the information after that is not my business.
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Out of all of Tyler’s Perry’s productions of buffoonery and coonery, this is actually the only scene I can honestly say I like.
“I already got my shot, I was just waiting for you to say something. BOOM!”
Is it just me, or did SW use Jersey Shore as a point of reference for a life lesson?
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SBF Addicted to Retail Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 9:57 am
LMAOOOOOO!! Yess… that scene was the bidness. And Marcus’ reaction to her: classic. I really thought he might kill her.
And yes, SW just committed a capital offense.
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I’m curious what folks think about things outside of cheating as well. General business meddling happens sometimes when the SO’s friends think y’all are cooler than you really are and they can approach you about whatever.
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A.Smith Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 10:19 am
I think it’s just a good rule of thumb to get you some business and mind that. Even when my girls ask me what I think they should do in various situations, I try to be cautious, because I don’t have to live with the consequences, they do.
As far as approaching a friend’s SO, I think that’s out of line. Unless you’ve known them equally as long and know them equally well, that’s uncalled for, and even then, meddling in their business is uncalled for no matter how long you’ve known them.
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I’ve never been in such a situation, but honestly….
I don’t know that I’d tell my friend. Or rather, I don’t know that I can sit here right now and say “oh hells yeah. If I saw Pookie all up on some random woman, I’m sho callin’ my homegirl…” Because despite the fact that people SAY they want to know, it’s a whole other animal when we’re legitimately in that situation.
However, I don’t want my girl getting played to the left. I’d have to take them on a case by case basis. One thing I know for sure is that I’d have to have hard evidence. Like the girl he slept with called me right after and told me about it. Seeing him out at dinner with a girl would not be enough for me.
You really have to weigh the pros and cons and you have to be close enough to the person to know how to bring it up, what their reaction might be and what to do in the likely event they think you’re lying. There’s about 3 people I’m willing to stress like that for.
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Spring 2002. I’m a young Sophomore heading out to church on a warm spring morning, and who do I see? Oh, my homey’s girl getting dropped off by this other dude, who gave her a goodbye kiss that said he was not her brother or any ther relative. I told my homey, and he didn’t believe me because he knew I didn’t like that slut ever since freshman year, and I didn’t like him with her. He confronted slut, she told him I was just jealous and wanted him to myself. To make a long story short, a month passes and he gets confirmation from another dude who smashed, but
supposedlydidn’t know she had a bf. They break up, he apologizes to me. Alls well that ends well.Well, not really, but that’s a story for another time.If you are any type of friend, you should tell if you see their SO out disrespecting them and the relationship. I don’t engage in gossip because its tacky and low class. It’s an even worse betrayal to know your girl’s SO is cheating, and then gossip about it among other friends. Not only are you not a friend, but you’re a gossipy bitch, too.
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I would have to let my homie know IF he’s into her like that. This is because everyone wants to know if they’re being made out to look like a simp. I wouldn’t say a word to the lady. Why? What for? I don’t own her anything. Unless I’m friends with both, then I’ll keep my mouth shut.
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It really depends on the situation. If my friend has a history of finding out about the grimey stuff he/she is up to and continues to stay, I wouldn’t say a word. Those type of situations usually end up with me catching all the grief and things never are the same in the friendship. For instance, if I were JWOWW or Snooki, I wouldn’t have said ish. We all knew Sammi wasn’t going anywhere and would blame them. Even if they had said something right away, they would have either gotten the blame from Sammi or Ronnie.
It really depends on the situation and the friend that is involved.
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this reminds of the situation that’s going on now on jersey shore. sammmi was begging the whole house to say something if they knew that ronnie was creeping (i love that term by the way). j-wow and suki didn’t have the heart to tell her so they wrote an “anonymous” letter. sammmi gets mad because no one told her to her face. smh. ronnie got lost in the shuffle and she went back to him and then j-wow ended up dropping sammi with the one-hitter.
i agree with you. i’m not saying ish. too much chance of getting caught in the crossfire.
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SaneN85 Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Ionno, I saw JWoww shove Sammi. I didn’t see any real punches being thrown.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Sammie got Jwow in the face right before the episode ended. good for her. she’s such a bully.
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MadScientist7 Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 5:36 pm
wasn’t that while everyone was holding jwow back? i don’t count sucker punches like that. jwow is a bully tho. i don’t like anyone on the show except for mvp though. those guys are hilarious.
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there should should not be any piece of information that I know about my man’s girl that he doesn’t know. Period. I am going to tell him every detail that I have ever seen or heard. Snitch city.
No gossip just facts. All the facts. In detail. What she was wearing. Who she came with? Who she danced with. What song did they dance too. How much did she drink. What time she left.
Now sometimes i hear rumors. Or things that I know I would like my lady freind to be expressing. Now I am nosy and want to know every detail about a wifey’s past. But that is me. You have to know what is important to your freind and what is not.
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I only feel the need to get involved if I really think that more than feelings are going to get hurt. Usually the wrong party is a aware I know and they do their best to keep me in their good graces, so I will not spill the beans. Sometimes I may even check them but there has only been one time when I told someone and that was because of who he was messing with and his wife had just found out she was pregnant.
Tiffany
Peace, Love and Chocolate
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Ah.. good one, good one…
If I see it happening in front of me, and I know I am sober and see it go down, and if she/he is a good friend of mine. Yes I’ll say something. Why? Because I would expect someone to do the same thing for me. Actually someone did do that for me, and she became my best friend for close to 8 years, but that’s another story, if it wasn’t because of her I wouldn’t have never found out I was being cheated on not only with one or two but with like 4 different individuals.
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Ahhh this situation is present in my group of girlfriends now. Homegirl A’s Bf is cheating on her with one of homegil C’s associates. A doesnt really like C but is friends bc of me and B. C informed me and homegirl B of the situation. Homegirl A is the type to get mad and cut off everyone b/c of this and involve witnesses and offenders in a whole lot of mess. Me and B have to decided to mind our business!
If this was the other homegirls and I had proof, like that Dave Chappelle kinda proof I’d tell. I don’t like foolishness and try not to be part of itit
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If I see him cheating and its obvious he’s cheating and it’s all going on right in front of me, I will pull out my BlackBerry, pretend like I’m texting and video tape him in action. I will then show said evidence to my friend. What she does from that point is up to her.
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