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Let’s Go Half (Not On A Baby)
Yeah Girl, Break Open That Piggy Bank.
As I woke up on Monday, February 15th, I rolled over with a kool-aid smile on my face and recapped what a lovely weekend I had. Unfortunatley I was soon jolted out of my daydream and smacked back into reality by my financial situation. I immediately reached into my jean pockets and began to sort through the receipts from the weekend. Silently, I started to add, subtract and figure out exactly how much money I have in my bank account and if my rent check will clear. After a few baited breaths and a furrowed brow, I realized that my young lady and I went half on a good amount of meals and adventures leaving me with a little more money than I had hoped. Thank Jesus on Twitter. Ironically, the young lady and I had a discussion earlier in the weekend about that very thing. She wondered why more women don’t go half on dates.
Honestly, that was music to my ears and what any man would want to hear. I can’t front, it’s one of the things I like about her. Not because I’m a cheap bastard, I prefer the term “frugal”, but because it’s logical. She had a couple reasons why a woman should have herself on some, if not all dates:
Any “Independent” Woman Should Have Hers
My parents always told me never to leave the house without the money I needed to cover off on my expenses, some cab fare and some money for a pay phone. For you younger readers, before there were cell phones, city folk had to use public phones that lined the city streets. Barbaric I know. Anyway, I respect any woman who shares the same perspective and I’ll raise my daughter to think that way as well. Any woman should have enough money to get herself when they’re out. Especially nowadays when women strive for equality and to be independent. Not to mention, it’s stupid to just rely on someone else for your own well-being.
At Our Age, Who Can Afford That?
If I paid for everything we ever did, all I’d ever be able to do is hang out with her. Not that that’s a bad thing *wink*. Sure I make a decent amount of money for a person my age; but coupled with all the expenses that I have, I’m far from a baller. In a nutshell, I don’t pop Moet, I pop Miller High Life – The Champagne of Beers. And unless you were on the groundfloor of Facebook or YouPorn, I doubt any person our age can really afford to pay for themselves and another person constantly. Which brings me to her next point.
If He’s Always Paying for You, What’s He Not Paying For?
With anything, there’s give and take and that’s definitely the situation for my finances. If we’re at some bougie spot for dinner, I will most likely be ordering some wings from Crown Fried Chicken or better yet, pulling a meal MacGyver for dinner the next day. I have to keep the balance, because I’d like to keep my savings. Some folks don’t and like to keep up appearances. And that’s what my young lady was getting at – if dude is always splurging, things must be lacking elsewhere. What did she say, oh yeah, ”Although he can buy you a burger today, he might not be able to buy you a house tomorrow.” Unless dude’s just paid, the money must be coming from somewhere else. What’s more important, the 2 for 1 at the spot downtown or your 401K?
Makes sense right? So why do men pick up the check?
Well, I told her it’s chivalry. When a couple first starts getting together, I think it makes sense that a man foots the bill. That’s what our mom’s tell us to do and honestly, it only feels right. And if the woman wants to go half they should battle to the death for the check he should let her. But at the very least, make the offer. First impressions last a lifetime and there’s no coming back from being a labeled a cheap skate.
What about after that? You’ve paid for your share of dates and now you’re seriously dating. When is it appropriate for a man to think about going half on things with his woman? I feel like when you’re in a relationship, if you really share everything then the expenses should be a part of that. Sure, I’m all about taking my woman out on a date and picking up the check as a result, but if we’re just chilling then I’m not going to turn her away if she throws down her card as well. After all, Sallie Mae doesn’t care about chivalry.
What do you guys think? Do you think a man should always pick up the check even if they’re in a relationship? Or should the woman go half when things are serious? Is there a certain time frame when things should begin to be split or should men expect to pay the Bills, Bills, Bills even after they Put a Ring On It? I figured I’d throw in a little Beyonce to make sure you were still listening. Anyway, let me know folks!
Seattle – I Can’t Afford to Cheat Even If I Wanted To – Washington
47 Responses to “Let’s Go Half (Not On A Baby)”
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hehehe. In the beginning i follow the 2:1 ratio. Every 2 dates he pays for I pay for one. When things started to get more serious I offered more halving of things. He still doesn’t really let me pay. If he does it’s for the movie or a few drinks. *shrugs I try. So, I transitioned us to mostly couch dating/ cheap dates during the cooler times A) b/c I want him to save his $ since he won’t let me pay and he has a tuition payment plan every month and B) I like to have him to myself sometimes with no interruptions.
BTW- RCLS and Slim- I got my rights to the bump be gone back and a new toothbrush =)
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In general, I think that in the courting stage it’s okay for a man to pay – although I do think the woman should offer to pay (and be prepared to cough it up if he takes her up on it). Once you’re in a relationship though I think it should be equal. The idea that the man is on the hook financially for all eternity is more than a bit bizarre to me.
Personally though I always want to pay. I grew up in a house where only one person was making money and that person called all the shots so now I equate money with power; as in if I’m not paying I don’t have an equal say in what we do or I’m somehow indebted to the dude because he’s paying for everything.
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First date… man pays. Period. I don’t believe the woman should feel obligated to offer on the first date. You asked her out. You should be prepared to pay for that initial date. Now, the second date, she can offer. As for the relationship, I think you each should take turns paying for things, rather than splitting the check every time you go out. So, if me and the ex went to dinner, he might pay for dinner, then I’ll get the movie tickets or get the drinks at the lounge. As for when you should start thinking about going half, I think it depends on the relationship. Some women want to let their man know right away that she is willing to pay for things… assert her “independence” early on in the relationship. For me, it’s a part of the natural progression of the relationship.
And I agree… women should always have enough money to call a cab, and use a pay phone if she lost her phone, the battery dies, or she can’t get any service.
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I believe a sister should pay her own way unless the date insists, and always carry some pocket change in case a ride home or call is needed. But then, I’ve always been the type who if I get invited by a friend/friend’s parents/family/family friend to do something or buy something, I go for the $50 something reeboks or whatever instead of the $100 nikes, and still offer a few dollars. I don’t know. I have this thing where I don’t like to blow other peoples money or my own.
*cough* coming from a “spoiled” nineties baby *cough*
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I don’t go half but me and my boo alternate picking up the tab…sorta. When I want to pay it usually means a literal battle to the death for the check. I have to snatch it up as soon as the waitress puts it down and when he says, “Lemme see” I open it and hold out of his reach, lol. Or at the store it means booty bumping him away from the credit card machine at the register.
I appreciate that he wants to take care of me but I had to break it down for him as well. I feel like I need to contribute, I don’t want it to be a lopsided relationship, especially when we’re both trying to get our finances to be on Oprah’ level one day. I can’t be over here stacking while you’re tryna “take care” of me but can’t take care of yourself sometimes. Save that $50 check at CPK babe, and put it in your IRA.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 9:48 am
you like CPK?
The drinks are good, but I think the pizza is a little overrated. Esp if we are talking NY pizza.
I only went there b/c my boy worked there and use to hook it up for free back when we were in school. Plus he use to work with this BAD light skin jawn with green eyes. Since he left, I haven’t been back.
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Nik Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 8:28 pm
I prob have a bias for CPK cuz I’m a left-coaster, lol. And ironically, I hardly ever get pizza when I go, usually pasta or salad. And you’re right, the drinks are tasty!
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I think in the beginning the man should pay, but once you are well settled into a relationship, it should not matter. However, my SO has never allowed me to pay for anything, even when I try to, but the point is I wouldn’t mind paying if I had to. I’ve also dated a guy who wouldn’t even let me see the check. I wouldn’t even know when the waiter brought the check bc he did it so quickly. He refused to allow me to pay for anything, even if I told him in the beginning that I didn’t mind splitting the bill or paying for everything. And I have to say I really appreciated that.
I went out with one cheapskate who begged me to go out to dinner with him on a night when I was already in bed about to go to sleep. He tried not to pay and I just sat there and waited until he paid the bill. I had more than enough money, but I was determined that I was not paying bc of the principle of the matter. Then the fool tried to tell me to take a cab home. I just sat in the car until he brought me home. Then he started talking about his gas, when we weren’t even that far from my house. So I asked the fool if he needed gas money, but did it in such a derogatory tone that he said no. That was such a turn off, there is nothing worse than a cheap a** man.
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Patrice Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 10:55 am
I can’t even deal with this man! There is absolutely nothing worse than a cheapa** man! He got you out of your bed to go on a date and he was nickel and diming!? Listen, my rule is this…if you can’t afford it don’t offer it! For example don’t invite me to dinner when all you can afford is Burger King. I rather stay home.
Alright now I can comment on the post…
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Remi Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 6:30 pm
Lol!!
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SaneN85 Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
This reminds me of a guy I went out with recently. One of my brother-in-law’s friends who had been practically begging him to hook us up. I eventually agreed to go out with him to dinner and a movie, even though he was beyond suspect just being friends with my BIL. Now, I’m the first to offer to at the very least pay my half on a date and will happily pay when I’m the one doing the inviting. Before the check made it all the way to the table, this ninja asks me “So, did you want to pay for dinner or the movie” after ordering all kinds of extra sides he had no intention of eating. He did not seem to notice my expression either.
After I paid for dinner, we head to the movies (we got stuck watching the new Travolta after he was an hour late even showing up). He talks me into getting a soda at concession, and then when I order a coke, he tells the cashier that I’ll have a Sprite instead (da hell?). Needless to say, we didn’t see each other again. See, you got me going just thinking about that date.
Well, at least he didn’t try to just get me to come chill at his spot instead of going out in public in the first place. *shrugs*
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Remi Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 6:36 pm
“Well, at least he didn’t try to just get me to come chill at his spot instead of going out in public in the first place.” – That is so true. I had one cheap fool that tried that nonsense with me. He had nothing going for himself. He was cheap, ugly, and annoying.
You reminded me about the rest of the story. That fool had the nerve to order for me and wouldn’t allow me to order what I wanted. So I figured if he was doing all that, he must be paying b/c if you want someone to pay you don’t start dictating what they should be having.
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I think dudes should pay during a part of (maybe even most of) the courting stage, but women should be willing and able to pay as well. If yall are both students for example, the courting stage may keep that man from buying books. Once it hits the relationship stage, like its been said, there should be some arrangement for splitting the tabs. I feel like as long as both people feel like they are not losing anything (be it pride or respect for self or the boo), then there is no beef.
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Destined for Greatness Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 9:12 am
How ’bout I split ya wig.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 9:25 am
“Do better.”
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Destined for Greatness Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 9:32 am
Stop being a hater.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 10:58 am
That term is not defined in the dictionary and therefore should not be used.
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Sue Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Lmao @ Ms. Jenkins. “That term is not defined in the dictionary and therefore should not be used.”
*sigh* I’m for the woman paying for her food. I hate depending on people so I’m not going to. On a birthday dinner with a guy friend, when it came time to pay for the food, I grabbed the bill cuz I wanted to pay. And I wasn’t to impress the guy. I really really don’t like people paying for me. He was happily surprised and snatched it back, and said “Thats my type of girl.” I didn’t know about fistpumping then but I was definitely cabbage patching and running the man inside cuz this guy is hard to impress anyway (not that I was trying, like I said)
I think there are few times when people should go half, or just let one person
the guypay…in the dating stage. It shouldn’t be made into a big hoopla where the relationship is questioned BUT that inconsiderate cheap ass scenario is different. There are a few more opinions in my head.. Unsorted though. >_<Reply
…he won’t let me without a fight! Especially if we’re going to somewhere like Timbuktu. If we’re going out only thing I can reach for in my purse is the tip and I STILLL have to go “BABY I GOT IT!!” *shrugs* and don’t let me be meeting him somewhere after work, and have to park in a garage, lol. His daddy raised him that way, he has the “provider” mentality. I do pay for other “not going out” things..like if we’re doing movie night and having a meal at home, I cook and create the atmosphere.
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When I was n college…in the beg the guy paid for the first dates and after things got serious whoever asked the other out would be the one to pay.
Now that I’m out of college and married, me and hubbie have the arrangement: we split the household bills, he pays for our going out, I pay for the stuff that he house needs (ie groceries, cleaning supplies, laundry, and all the lil things needed to keep a house running smoothly) and big household purschases we plan and split (ie living room set, etc)
like a few said earlier, the 401k and bank accounts need to have 1st priority in where extra cash is spent…
And I agree a woman at any age should always have money on her to cover herself whenever she goes out regardless of whose paying.
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I’ve wondered sometimes even in the courting phase in the circumstance where a girl approaches a guy and suggests hanging out. I don’t mind paying, but at least offer to chip in. I think one of the more exquisite things is meeting a chick at a bar or club and she volunteers to pay for a man’s drink. At that point, it’s like ohhh, let’s talk business (Not necessarily that way).
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Seattle Washington Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 11:22 am
It’s always a plus when a woman fakes like she’s going to pick up the check. We both know you don’t really want to, but thanks for at least putting up the front like you do. It goes a long way.
And yeah Slim, I was raised to grab the check when courting, but there is something great about a woman asking you out and then footing the bill. Spices things up a bit.
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I think if you are in a committed relationship you should take turns picking up the check. Or at least, try to make it 50/50. Unless, one or the other insists….go ahead and pay sometimes ladies. If you don’t have it, that’s another story….Ladies, don’t be so selfish, help your man out…everyone has bills and financial obligations…come out the pocket on some of those meals….Now, you shouldn’t be splitting bills unless you are engaged with a date SET (IDEALLY)…then you can start splitting up some of the bills. If you are living together, obviously you need to split the rent and the utilities 50/50…However, I don’t really recomment living together because that is where things get tricky with bills and stuff…but, more and more people are co-habitating so it is what it is…..
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I say the first date is on whoever initiated it.
I think anything after the first date is debateable — but I like to still rely on “whoever initiated it” rule of thumb (though, I know some people would never make a suggestion for a place to go following that rule just so they don’t have to pay.)
If things get serious, I’m all about splitting as frequently as possible.
My ex would pay, but I began to sense his relief when I would grab the check first.
Slightly off topic: My BFF and I like to see who the waiter/waitress will hand the check to when we go out. The good ones will usually just lay it on the table in some “neutral” space. My fav story is when he, myself and two of our friends (another male and female) went to Chili’s. I and the other female paid for the guys’ meals with our student IDs (we could do that, it was kinda bawse). Obviously our student IDs had pictures on them. When the waiter came back he reached across the girls and handed the checks to the guys… #classic.
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@SJ: I think that even in the courting stage, if the woman asks the man out, she should expect to pay.
@QueenT: I agree, I don’t agree with living together when marriage is not what the mutual goal is, cause bills do get to be a sticky situation as well as saving and building the house. If your not getting married even if you pretend it’s not it’s always your stuff and his stuff, lawd forbid if you break up and you bought something together? (speaking from long ago experience…not worth the headache of sharing a house if it’s not with the wife or hubbie)
I really think that when people are younger and still in college, alot of the traditional guy pays all the time just doesn’t work. It’s not a secret that students are typicically not balln like that.
After college and everyone is a little more situated in life, I really think that whoever initiated the date should be the one expecting to foot the bill.
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I think in the beginning, whoever asked the person out should fit the bill; however, I also think the finances of each person should come into play. If your man makes twice as much as you, I don’t think its fair to split everything, or the person who makes significantly less to pay for everything I went out with this cheap bastard who really looked at me to pay for everything! I’m like, dude, you’re 8 years older than me and work for JP Morgan. GTFOHWTBS
No one person should pay for everything once it gets serious (although I’m a big fan of chivalry, so I will offer to pay, but I won’t put up a serious argument! hahaha)
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After reading the posts and comments, I think everyone agrees that men should pay for the first date and most of the courting period. After the first TWO dates, I ask a woman to pay the tip during the courting period. I just think its a good gesture (even if I have to create it myself).
Me and the SO dont have any real agreement or anything. She get’s me things, I get her things. I want to take her to a museum, I get the tickets. She wants to go out to eat, she’ll pick up the tab. It works pretty well and every now and then, we’ll split a tab.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
Simple as ABC….but in this world some women what to make it complicated…
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while i would love to pay for every outing we have, it’s just not possible. *shrug* i’m still a student and she has a career, so she makes 3 times the amount of money that i do. i pay for what i can pay for and that’s that. i’d rather we don’t be able to do something once in a while over me sacrificing something else (i.e. rent) luckily she understands my plight and that my situation is only temporary.
i agree in whole about on the part about “If He’s Always Paying for You, What’s He Not Paying For?” most people i know aren’t balling like that and it’s really all about priorities.
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Mrs Steele and I have a great system. We play a few games of Wii bowling, loser pays for everything that week. (I ain’t paid for sh*t since Dec.)
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 10:59 am
She’s lucky to have you.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 11:14 am
Declaring it now – When I come to Cuse, I want a 2-on-2 match. We’re coming for the title!
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Destined for Greatness Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 11:21 am
Prepare to leave empty handed my friend. We throw more strikes than labor unions.
Or…we can go to a real bowling alley and get boozed up…at that point I could care less who wins.
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While I would like to think that whoever the person should pay, I’ve never paid on the first date although I’ve asked some dude outs, eh. I’ve picked up the tip on the first date but never paid.
As for relationships, I really do use whoever asks pays rule. So far it’s been working out so
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I have come across all types, from one extreme to the next….the cheapos who order water and an appetizer to counteract my steak and two Tanqueray gimlets, or the ones ordering ish in the menu that they can’t pronounce just to show off the weight of their wallets. After all is said and done, no matter who invited who or what stage the relationship is…my rule is that I don’t go anywhere with anyone unless I can cover the bill, get home on my own or phone a friend.
So far I’ve been lucky I guess….but if I want to go out and he doesn’t have the means then I have no problem paying.
I guess I just can’t expect any guy in my age-range to be able to ALWAYS treat. I just don’t think it’s possible. I figured in this day and age…going out for a nice dinner is somewhat of a luxury (Yeah, as oppose to cooking at your place or his). I’ve come to realize that the older we get, the more bills (responsibilities) we have to deal with… to paraphrase. Sallie Mae, Comcast, NStar, Landlord and T-Mobile don’t care about your 50/50 relationship or asserting one’s independence. They’re all on that Eff You, Pay Me status!
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I have the mindset that he/she who asks pays. So if I suggest the date I plan on paying. Although that’s never actually happened. Try as I may to pay, the check always gets away (no rhyme intended). I guess the desire to pay is appreciated. The only people I’m ever able to go Dutch with is my homegirls.
I do make sure to have money on hand though even if I didn’t suggest a date. I learned from dining with my parents to always be prepared. Once both of them left their wallets home, a fact they didn’t discover until the check came. Yours truly, at the poor age of 17, paid for the three of us and my little brother.
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Renee Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
Unless you somehow give your waiter the heads up that “you asked”, he will always slide the check to the man, now the poor guy either has to wait for you to reach over and take the check or actually push it towards you while the waiter watches, it gets better when the waiter brings back the receipt to be signed, goes to hand it to your guy and you interrupt like “no thats my card”. I love awkward situations.
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good post Supersonic one!
I think halfing is great, if the woman is down for it. Some sistas are still stuck in this “he gotta pay for everything” mode, and that’ll leaveyou broke!
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Maybe I’m a cynical bastard, but I really thought more women would’ve liked for dudes to pay for everything regardless of the situation. Are they out there or are women more progressive than I thought?
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Patrice Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 1:11 pm
HA! I’m sure there is plenty out there…but they probably don’t want to reveal themselves to a forum that is basically telling them that’s not the way to be…or they just don’t deal with the internets like that…too busy counting “Daddy’s coin”! LOL! *silence*
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Renee Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
Ohh they are out there, I am best friends with one. After 8 years her BF was still expected to pay for all their dates, she actually complained to me about him telling her she needs to pay more, I told her she was a spoiled brat (we’re still best friends).
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I think I posted before on Miss Jenkins’ blog about Independent Women. In it, I stated that during dating people should expect nothing but appreciate all things good. I think that applies here as well. I guess you could call me a fan of the following: it all depends on who did the asking. I’m content in my home. I have nearly every form of high definition picture, sound, channel, dvd, video game, internet stream you could possibly ever need to entertain yourself. Not to mention I can cook the panties off the most prudent of women…yes, a brother’s cooking game is that tight. So, if I’m making the conscious decision to call ole girl and suggest a date at the 20$ per couple Cineplex and dinner which will run me between 70-150$ for something half as good as what I can do at home, well then I guess I’m also prepared to fit that bill. However, if I’m kicking it in the cut, cooking up something delicious, about to put Training Day in the DVD and enjoy something to sip on and my phone rings and ole girl is suggesting that we hit the spot tonight…well Boo I was clearly comfortable in my space and since you have removed me from that environment, YOU are now taking on the responsibility of the bill. Now I’m not one of those dudes who wouldn’t offer to pay…….for the parking, popcorn or leave the tip, but if you asked …YOU PAY. Because even though I have it at this point in my life…I have it for me and what I need to do! not to impress you, use as bait to get you back to the spot for some spoon and forking and certainly not to blow because I need a night outside of the house (That’s what kicking it with my boys are for and at least when I kick it with them, there is an understanding that we are all either Dutch or taking turns buying rounds.).
The question for women to answer is this: what are you trying to be? Are you this new age “I don’t need you to do ISH for me except provide vitamin D!” – Independent woman? Or are you trying to be courted, paid for and taken care of? You all do realize that with each role comes a distinctive set of expectations and responsibilities and quite honestly, most of you haven’t figured out how to master the duality of both roles…a ‘la Clair Huxtable!
I once had a woman tell me she wanted a man to come at her the way she heard her grandfather came at her grandmother. My response was a chuckle followed by a sentiment that expressed that perhaps if she cooked like grandma, cleaned like grandma and in general played the role grandma played then she would get that. But to most men “independent – diva” is synonymous with headache, neck rolling and a general “I don’t need you to…” attitude. And well if you don’t “need me to….” Then I certainly won’t!
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I think nowadays men pick up the check because they use it as a short cut to sex, in the past it was Chivalry,but its all about running game now. In my head during the courting stage he will have to pay more than I will, actually I don’t start paying until I am convinced he is a good guy (You may waste my time, but not my Money). After things get serious, I will start splitting the bill. I do agree that you shouldn’t be the reason your SO is bankrupt but I am also a bit old school. Being an independent woman means I can pay for my own vacations, buy him nice gifts and take care of my expenses enough to never be a burden to a man, but at the end of the day I still want to be treated, taken on dates, etc.
I once offered to pay on the 3rd date and once I said that, Homie ordered a few extra dish (we were at an Asian restaurant), I was horrified, he was ordering shit just to try it, not a good look. Heads up to the ladies, offer when the check comes and after your complete order is in!
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Debonair NUPE Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 6:27 pm
I feel you Renee, however that scenario can easily be flipped. Since men traditionally pick up the bill wether out of a civalrous nature or as a short cut to the panty drawers, it is done, by your own admission. Are we suggesting that women arent devious enough to accept meals, shows, outtings just for the sake of accepting them without any intentions on building with the guy? Wouldnt that make women just as bad as the man you described? So why shouldnt men too go forward with caution. ideal first date…let’s walk around the park and grab an ice cream cone and talk….
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Renee Reply:
February 16th, 2010 at 9:04 pm
Where are these Men who want to grab Ice Cream and talk??? That may work in a situation where a guy has good intentions and is willing to take things slow. Can’t push your luck on a date like that though, its daylight so you probably wont even get a kiss. Also if you try to pull anything slick like asking to go hangout at her place or yours after, you open yourself up to be played hardcore. You will be the guy who tried to get some after buying her an Ice Cream cone. Also I know men spend as little money as possible on Jumpoffs, so if he refuses to take me on a nice date but tries to go hard physically, I’m gonna get suspicious.
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First date: you ask you pay. I ask I pay (though I will offer)
After that we can mix and match it up but I like to do things on dates not be in a restaurant so chances are I’ll suggest cheap or free things.
When we’re in a relationship that’s when we can start the splitting.
Usually though I just decide what I’ll do by the feeling of the date
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If I ask a man out, then I pay. If he asks me out, then he pays. Take turns. No confusion. No mess.
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