Lies and Deceit
Innuedo aside. Not all lies are as innocent as some would like to believe.
Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don’t. Unfortunately/fortunately, that’s not the point of today’s post. We actually want to discuss the topic of lying and deceiving others as it relates to each gender. Yes, everyone lies, but we do it for different reasons at varying frequencies about different topics. We got into a heated (not passionate) discussion about the reasons that men and women lie to their significant others. And after a few exchanges, we agreed that the best place to hash this out was the blog. So, here we go.
Miss Jenkins: I think lying is wrong. That said, I don’t believe in telling all the truth, all the time. I do believe in the omission of truth or reserving the whole truth for when its necessary or warranted. Here’s why: Telling the truth can be risky depending on what “the truth” is, who you have to tell that truth to and under what circumstances you have to reveal that truth. Sometimes, we truthfully feel a certain way about the boopiece and our relationship–I think he’s acting up, I want out, I feel less attracted to him, etc. If asked to reveal that truth at that very moment, things could be really bad. So, instead, as I get my mind right, I like to take some heat off that truth until I get it together. Is that really wrong?
Slim Von Truth: I don’t believe that anybody should be answering any questions while they are excessively angry or feeling the effects of one of the dangerous and detrimental emotions. When I feel like bein’ totally and brutally honest, I get away and regroup because I lose my ability to be articulate. Once I’ve gotten my thoughts together, I return and can answer questions. So no Miss Jenkins, that is not wrong and telling “the truth” or even half truths in some cases can be incredibly risky. I also feel that if someone is bold enough to ask a question that they deserve the right to an honest answer and should brace themselves for whatever that may be. And for whatever reason, I think women tend to walk this line of half-truths or outright lies more so than men.
MJ: Whoa. More so than men? Easy there tiger. Men lie like persian rugs. They don’t abide by your cardinal rule of telling the truth when a question is asked of them. I have asked questions, been prepared for the straight up honest answers, and have gotten the okie doke because dude didn’t want to deal with whatever the truth would bring their way, i.e. the break up, the argument, the tears, or the oops-upside-they-head. And maybe you are unlike many men out there, but let’s not bend the truth Mr. Jackson.
SVT: Okay, I can admit that you made a good point. But this gets into the issue of why folks lie. Let’s assume that men lie to women for complete self-interest and not because “We just don’t wanna hurt ‘cha.” Women lie to men sometimes for the same reason, but how about all the occasions where yall actively or passively lie and put it on “we don’t wanna hurt y’all fragile ego.” Examples: faking an orgasm, fibbing about your magic number, or saying you never did something in the bedroom before even though you bounced that ass like a basketball and wopped it down like a pro know damn well you done did the hurricane squeeze that trick on all your partners. If we had to gall to ask, let us deal with the consequences. After all, everybody (men included) should be accountable for all their actions right?
MJ: Wrong. Kinda. Let the woman you wifed up tell you that you are not the best she’d ever had (no Drake). Or that she has slept with the whole offensive line. I have seen dudes get the stank-sad face when asked if I got the big O and I answered truthfully. I don’t like that look. That “Damn, I can’t find my puppy,” look men get. So sue us for not wanting to hurt your ego (read: feelings) when you wanna know if you were the first man we did the ceiling fan thing with. And yeah, I’ll admit that we sometimes want to avoid the judgment. If you know my real numbers, are you gonna think I’m Ms. Loose N. Thang? I don’t mind adjusting the truth there. Then again, is it still a lie if you never find out the truth?
SVT: Is it still a lie if you never find out the truth? No wonder y’all make such excellent liars and deceivers. I’m just sayin’ that if a man is brave enough to ask a question, he deserves an honest answer. And if the answer isn’t quite nice, just word it tactfully. If you asked me how that dress looks on you and I said I never noticed how much your stomach sticks out, you’d have sad eyes too. You also wouldn’t ask my opinion next time. But if I just said I didn’t like that particular dress on you, it means I was honest but tactful and you wouldn’t huff, puff, and blow (not that way) a house down. And if you ask me if I think you eat too much after you went up 4 pant sizes, I’m going to say yes or that you need to go walk around the pond a few times because I don’t want you to think that eating 3 pizzas a week is okay. Same thing…sorta.
MJ:*Burp* I’m sorry. Did you say something?
SVT: o_O That’s f*ckin gross!
So what do the readers think on this one? Is lying okay? How about half truths? Do you want the honest truth each and every time you ask a question? Do you think one gender is predisposed to lying more so than the other? What else contributes to that? And lastly, what other types of things do people typically lie about? We know. That’s a lot of questions. Say whatever else you like. The End.
Saving Face and Preserving Egos,
Slim Jackson & Miss Jenkins
P.S. Thanks for taking the long one. Pause.
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*sigh*
I am usually the kind to slightly bend or omit the truth especially if I think it will benefit someone’s ego.
I don’t know it just seems like the right thing to do, however as I have gotten older I am beginning to realize that when I lie I am the one who ends up getting the shaft.
For example the following convo…
Him: Did you just cum?
Me: Yes, baby… that was so good.
Him: *thinking I’m the man*
Me: *thinking where’s my toy?*
Then he repeats the same performance the next night. Had I been honest and said “no, I didn’t” and here’s why there would likely have been a very different outcome.
Now if your boss is asking if you still from the office… well… that’s a different story… of course not… cause it’s a recession and you need that job.
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Honestly(lol), I do want to hear the truth all of the time. However, I know some adults are not articulate enough to express the truth in a tactful way that won’t hurt my feelings
and make me want to cut a bitch. I had a friend who had absolutely no tact. And would offer his truthful opinion in the most offensive way as possible. This person is no longer my friend…For me, I try to be honest, but my friends told me that I was a little to brutal with my honesty. Basically, I didn’t mince words. If my homegirl asked me for an opinion, I gave it to her straight, no chaser. I never said anything to hurt feelings, but I’ve realized a few of my friends really don’t want to hear the truth, they just want someone to either agree with them or not say anything at all. I have taken the “not say anything at all” approach.
As for the men, I don’t ask any questions that I’m not prepared to honestly answer myself. i don’t care about numbers as much as I care about the status of your last STD/STI/HIV test. I think that is more important than the magic number. Hell, a chick who has only slept with one man can contract AIDS from that one man. Know your status!!
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Renee Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:21 am
“As for the men, I don’t ask any questions that I’m not prepared to honestly answer myself.”
You speak da TRUTH, I live by that statement right there. Thats the problem with most women, they just talk too much, want to ask the men they date extra personal questions and when he puts them on the spot, they act shy or lie. I say keep it light until you really want to know what happened with his ex, because after he tells you, its your turn to start explaining.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:26 am
“…I don’t ask any questions that I’m not prepared to honestly answer myself.”
I apply this to men and women. I think people start to tailor the truth because experience proves that people often say they are ready for the truth, and then show otherwise once they hear the answer. That’s why I don’t believe Slim. He be lyin…
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ASmith Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I had a friend who had absolutely no tact. And would offer his truthful opinion in the most offensive way as possible.
I wonder about people like that. My BFF can be the biggest asshole, and he and I both know he does it to certain people because he can… he’s kinda sadistic (Lord bless his heart) and some people he really likes to get to; however, he’ll be the first to admit that he knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s not about having or not having tact.
So I wonder if other people really lack tact or if they’re just big assholes. How do you not hear what you say and realize it was mean. I say mean ish all the time, but I know it’s mean (and if it’s a good day, I apologize).
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 11:45 am
He was an asshole… to me and to others. I got tired of playing, and deleted him from my life. I don’t need friends like that…
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I’m a hole (like you couldn’t tell).
I tend to just spit ‘honesty’ any chance I get.
Hardly ever have a problem with guys, but women, ie GF, always pull out the crass, TMI, or bad person card.
I hope I’m saved by the ablility to tell the difference between my opinion and what said person refuses to face.
“That person is ugly. That shirt is gross.”
That stuff is useless.
“You are spending too much money”
“That song yall made is wack” “That girl doesn’t make you happy” Those are the ones I am known for.
My favorite is “That aint what you said last week”. In essence I am not telling them the truth, I’m just using their own words. Slim actually used this one on me one day when I kept running back to a jumpoff when I should have been focused on better things. He probably doesn’t remember, but that Slim is a good guy.
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I would say in most cases I tell the truth. I’m not likely to lie unless I feel I could really lose something or do some damage if I tell the truth, or if I really don’t care about the person enough to explain my feelings. I too have lied when asked the “Did you cum” question, but in those cases I just don’t care about the guy or wasn’t trying to get into a deep conversation about sex. I’ve also lied about cheating but there’s really no excuse for that. And like Jaci, I might even tell a few fids at the job. But overall I’m a very honest girl, sometimes I’m blunt to the point that it’s insensitive and I’m trying to work on that. My friends tend to say they appreciated my honesty but men on the other hand are caught off-guard by it, but if you can’t deal with the truth, you’re just not strong enough to date me.
As far as dating, I’ve dated straight Liars and ridiculously honest mofos, to the point where I get my feelings hurt. But at the end of the day, I will always choose the truth teller, I mean, if you’re a confident individual some honesty should not bring you down too much. On the issue of lying about your number, I once dated a guy who said he would not take a woman seriously if he knew she passed #3, but he also said “if you know his policy and choose to tell him, then that’s a dumb move, personally, though I think it would make me too sad to feel like a # means I am no longer good enough for a certain man, I would never lie about that but my numbers isn’t too wild.
To me it seems men lie thoughtlessly and on impulse. Women have more premeditated lies, which tend to be much bigger. I have a friend right now who is living with her ex-boyfriend and the guy she dates has no idea, yes we take it there…
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ASmith Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Sometimes I think both men and women are guilty of “lying to lie.” But men will lie about dumb ish. Like saying they went to Target when they really went to Walmart… like what difference does it make? While women sometimes lie for no reason, but about larger stuff.
I remember a friend of mine spent a week at my apartment and she had a friend who had been trying to hang out with her for a while so when the girl finally got ahold of her (via facebook chat) she launched into this long ass story about how she’d been sick, which turned into the girl calling her phone and me having to pick up the phone and explain that she’d been at my apartment “recovering.”
When I asked her why she didn’t just tell the girl that she’d been at my apartment, the end (which was true and would’ve been valid enough to get out of hanging out with her) my friend just shrugged and laughed. It was insane.
I feel like women do that frequently — the extra lying… like keep it simple, stupid. LOL.
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I do not lie and i hate being lied to. I don’t actually remember ever telling a lie.. even as a kid. If i did something i wasn’t supposed to do and got caught, i fessed up. I watched my 4 older siblings get their asses beat for lying to my parents way more than they did for doing something else wrong, so i figured, the punishment was always gonna be lessened if i just told the truth right off the bat. My friends and family know not to ask my opinion on something if they aren’t ready for the truth, and I don’t generally offer up my opinion unless i am asked for it. I don’t lie to my children either. When my sons were little, they both asked me if there was really a Santa Claus. I said yes, there’s lots of them, one in every mall and on damn near every street corner during Christmas, then I went on to explain the REAL meaning of Christmas and what “Santa” stands for in our society. I don’t feel it necessary to lie to anyone about anything. You can always tell the truth is you put a little sensitivity into it.
As for people lying to me.. well, there is no quicker way to be removed from my life than to prove yourself as a liar. I’m a big girl, I can handle the truth. I won’t ask a question if i don’t think I can deal with the answer.
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ASmith Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 8:54 am
My mama kept it real with me about Santa, too.
She told me (when I was much older) she didn’t want me to think some fat white man was getting me gifts when it was really her. LOL, I love my mama.
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One of my biggest pet peeves is lying. I don’t have the patience to deal with pathological liars. Don’t give me the “you can’t handle to truth” line. Just be upfront with me. The truth hurts but it won’t kill you. And half truths are not kosher either. I don’t like to play the game “two truths and a lie.”
I think men and women lie equally. Humans lie period because of ignorance, fear and arrogance. Sometimes we lie just to hear ourselves lie. Top things to lie about include: weight, education, personal opinions, work, relationships and more. We all just need to stop the lies. That’s not to say I haven’t lied. But it is something that I don’t actively try to do. It’s kind of hypocritical to report the truth professionally and deal in falsehoods personally. I for one don’t want to be known as the “Queen of Lies.” Besides, lying requires too much energy in my opinion.
I read this article in “Esquire” magazine a few months back about a movement called “Radical Honesty.” A psychotherapist said everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. The writer, A.J. Jacobs, embarked on an experiment of total truthfulness. Total honesty is often hard to do (read the article on esquire.com).
From his experiment, I learned two important points that intensified my personal desire to be totally honest. Honesty greatly helps in the communicating process. It’s like Jaci posted above, you usually are the one getting shafted when you aren’t upfront and honest. That little “white lie” might hurt you more than the person hearing it.
Also, honesty does not have to equal cruelness. As N.I.A. pointed out, everybody isn’t ready for the truth. Honesty in itself is compassion. The truth doesn’t have to be sugarcoated, and you can be blunt without being downright rude. My personal mantra is a quote from the movie “Almost Famous,” “Be honest and unmerciful.” Regardless of the reason, does lying actually accomplish anything at the end of the day? I vote no.
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My theory is simple:
Men lie more than women, but they suck at it.
Women lie less, but can do it without hesitation or indication.
So when a guy finds out a woman lied, it usually hurts more cuz they never saw it coming. When a guy lies it hurts cuz ur thinking when does it end…
I am going through a really bad situation right now bcuz of a guy’s strand of little white lies that were harmless individually, but altogether completely ruined any chance of a relationship once they came out. It sucks, cuz I really liked him and I know he really just wishes he never lied in the first place cuz its all gone to crap now. The thing is, if you just met someone, you think, I could just bend the truth or omit some tiny details and it won’t matter cuz this probably won’t pan out to be anything real. But in the small, unlikely 1/1000000 of a chance that it is, you just ruined it for yourself forever.
Moral of the story: if the truth hurts, the lie will hurt exponentially more. And the truth ALWAYS comes out. So just tell the truth.
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Toni speaks the truth, seeks the truth Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:30 am
“And the truth ALWAYS comes out. So just tell the truth.”
Exactly! It seems like you have to tell another lie to cover up that little white one. Then when the truth comes out you are SOL. When does the cycle end?
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ashbunnie Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“Men lie more than women, but they suck at it.
Women lie less, but can do it without hesitation or indication.”
I don’t think that women lie LESS, they tell just as many lies as a man would, they’re just much better at it. When men lie, aw man, that’s when the stupidity comes in. Blundering, stumbling & mumbling over words. Then that little lie they told you becomes a huger lie because they have to cover up the first lie.
Not to say that lying is good, or being untruthful is condoned, but sometimes just sometimes, everyone needs to be lied too. This doesn’t hold true in every circumstance though.
PSA ****Issues of sex & downlowism: your partner needs NOT to be in the dark. TELL THE MA FLIPPING TROOF HERE!!!!****
Buttttt if I was out with a male friend (nothing even remotely sexual transpired), & Babe asked me where I was at, please BELEIVE the truth WILL be distorted.
I say, lie at your own discretion but please be prepared with the consequences.
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 11:35 am
“I say, lie at your own discretion but please be prepared with the consequences.”
The same thing goes with being completely honest. Just like the dialogue in “A Few Good Men” ….”You WANT THE TRUTH!”….”YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH”
I totally agree that lying is not good but discretion is beyond crucial. I think being upfront and honest is the best way to handle things but timing and the current mental state (emotions) of the individual needs to be added to the equation.
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People stay asking questions they don’t actually want answers to. So in light of that, we must like to be lied to from time to time. Sometimes we just want to feel like we’re the best even when we’re not.
My mom and I have this conversation often. We’ll be out and she’ll make a comment about the way someone looks. When I call her on her rudeness, she’ll always retort, “but it’s the truth!” as if that makes it ok. I always say, “maybe, but that doesn’t mean you have to say it…”
Those people who say they always give it to you straight no chaser are either lying or probably also like to torture puppies. No one with a heart tells the truth all the time because we know folks can’t always handle that.
My friends come to me for advice, but I find myself tempering what I’d like to say because, though I can be brutally honest, I also realize that’s not always what they want/need (man, talking to friends via gchat a lot has really helped my life; I can test out my thoughts before they get away from me) . And let’s also be real: we say we’re lying to save another person’s feelings, but we’re also lying to avoid having to deal with it. There’s always a selfish element in lying.
However, lying just to save yourself when you know you’ve done wrong and deserve a consequence, or whatever, is not cool and you suck for that.
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ASmith Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 8:57 am
I do want to clarify that I don’t mean there are no people who never lie, just that we often do scale back the full and honest truth to avoid hurting people’s feelings and we’ve all done that at least once (which eliminates the use of “always”)
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Very well stated. We must all be honest about being honest…or not.
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Men lie to keep the peace. They hate direct confrontation so they lie. I think women lie to keep from hurting a man’s fragile ego. It’s a well known fact that men have huge egos…and to keep your ego from shattering into a thousand pieces we lie to you…..If we thought you could handle the truth it would be a different story.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:20 am
“It’s a well known fact that men have huge egos…and to keep your ego from shattering into a thousand pieces we lie to you…..If we thought you could handle the truth it would be a different story.”
But why does it matter if the ego shatters? The man asked. Are you scared of dude spazzing and going Chris Breezy?
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ashbunnie Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:44 am
Ok Slim, when a man’s ego is shattered, ALL of the women in the world have to deal with that. So to save our sisters from an unruly, ego-shattered man, we lie to pacify situations.
There is a small percentage of men who can take the blow to the ego & roll with it. The other men just become rude or feel like they’re manhood is taken
because they can’t hit my pelvis like someone else could. my opinion.Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:07 am
@ashbunnie
Are you saying that women lie to men in order to better the world and protect their fellow woman? GTFOHWTS. With love of course.
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ashbunnie Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:22 am
lol. Ok maybe not to protect their fellow woman but to protect themselves from your ego-rebuilding process. Miss Jankins (I know its Jenkins, but I pronounce it Jankins) said that y’all always talking about pride and god forbid we mess with your pride. who the hell knows what lies in store for us.
thank you come again & throw that in your smiley face bag!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 9:46 am
No, we are afraid yall may not be able to pick up those thousand pieces. Yall always talk about pride and all that. Why would we want to get in between that?
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QueenT Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:56 am
If its a matter of your health and well-being I will tell the truth. If its a potential ego killer…I will lie. It’s just easier. It aint even about goin “Chris Breezy” on me.
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Streetztalk Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
THis is bullshite.
You just spoke a conundrum. You wont tell us the full truth to save from breaking our ego, yet you would bitch and complain about the very things you’d be able to correct, if you would look past it.
I would always form my answers politically, to not offend. I would also ask if they wanted to hear the raw truth, so I could offer constructive criticism. They should choose how they wanna hear t but sometimes you have to be blunt, but you dont have to be an ass
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QueenT Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I know. I am imperfect. Oh, well.
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For me personally, with age and having realtionships I treasure, I have come to realize that sometimes “lying or half truths” may sometimes be the best option to preserve that relationship, if the topic at hand is not that deep. When you have relationships with people you may consider not as valuable and easily replacable, it’s easier to go all “Kill Bill” and say whatever you feel like saying, because in your mind you feel like it is the truth. Who is to say that what you think or feel is actually the real truth or the other person’s truth? It very well may be simply your opinion and nothing else. When I married my husband, I vowed to make it easier when life got hard, so sometimes in a discussion, before I answer I take the time to stop and think, is my repsonse “kind and is it necessary” meaning is what I say going to help change anything or am I just saying something to be saying something. My best friend’s husband told her she was a “mean bitch” She asked me if she was mean (she is) I told her that she was not mean to me and to my family, but yes she was mean to her family. My response was based on the hope that she could do some things differently and have a happier home life. I didn’t just say yeah you’re a bitch get it together. Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you always should.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:39 am
**two hand claps**
“Who is to say that what you think or feel is actually the real truth or the other person’s truth? It very well may be simply your opinion and nothing else”
“Just because you can say something doesn’t mean you always should.”
I agree. Discretion plays a role in how you choose to say what you say when you need to say it. And just because its the truth doesn’t mean its right.
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Reecie Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
“When I married my husband, I vowed to make it easier when life got hard, so sometimes in a discussion, before I answer I take the time to stop and think, is my repsonse “kind and is it necessary” meaning is what I say going to help change anything or am I just saying something to be saying something.”
my mom tells me this all the time. I’m not there yet, but I’m trying. lol I dont think thats lying though. thats just being nicer in the truth–or keeping mean ish to yourself.
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Toni speaks the truth, seeks the truth Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
Is lying and half truths really the best option to preseve a relationship? At the end of the day something you treasure is just built on lies and half truths. It might not seem that deep, but even the little things can turn into something big one day. Shouldn’t you want to be as honest and upfront as possible? Honesty does not equal brutalness.
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sometimes in a discussion, before I answer I take the time to stop and think, is my repsonse “kind and is it necessary” meaning is what I say going to help change anything or am I just saying something to be saying something.
I agree with this and it goes back to what I tell my mom: just cause it’s true doesn’t mean it needs to be said. What’s the point of potentially hurting someone if it doesn’t help anything.
Sometimes we have to be brutally honest to make a point, but other times people do it just because they can and what’s that do?
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Lying makes me paranoid. I’m always wondering if I’m gonna get caught in the lie. My friend lied to his girl about how many women he’d been with (cutting the number in half) because he thought she couldn’t handle it. He was right but he’s super paranoid about her finding out the truth. I say don’t ask any questions that you might not be able to handle the truth to. Because I will tell you the truth. Lying takes too much of my energy especially when we could be doing other things. Lol
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I think we need to draw a distinction between solicited and unsolicited truth…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Does that distinction change much?
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This whole conversation is B.S. (Not the blog post, it was great as always). This conversation is way too dominated by one gender.
You know why men lie? B/c we are TOLD TO FROM BIRTH! By women. You know what these female co-workers tell me about marriage? “Your GF is always right” That isn’t true, she aint perfect and makes alot of mistakes. But Im’ told to ‘lie’ and just agree with her. Last wk in Jenkin’s post about things men should know, I was told when a girl vents that I should not agree with a opposing party or solve her problem. Now you are telling me that you can handle the truth?! The truth is you are wrong, you b!t%h to much, and you are way too sensitive. Look how often you people cry? Why would I tell you the truth?! The truth is for rational people, not hormonal. I’m not saying I lie, I got too much pride to fake it. I just keep quiet.
Likewise, I believe women lie b/c they can’t face reality. You were a jumpoff, that is why your magic number is so high (+15). You are trying to change you life around, so you block out your past. I have been lied to… I bought the whole “I was lying to myself” gig and forgave the person.
Men don’t need their ego stroked, they need help. But y’all lie so much in the bedroom b/c you can’t communicate what you need. I have no idea how good I am in bed, I have to sit here and guess by the quality of the ‘actress.’ I actually just come out and say it ’stop faking it, I don’t need my ego stroked.’
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Thank you Cheekz! The fellas stay droppin the ball on posts like this! Oh yeah, I’m suprised you didn’t throw in a comment about having other things stroked aside from your ego.lol.
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Tunde Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
as crass as this post is i agree with most of it. go figure. lol
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Don’t have much time to read the comments, but my opinion is brief and straight to the point (sorry if I repeat somethin):
Lying to your SO, in any fashion, whatever the reason, is inexcusable.
Most lies are told for selfish reasons, under the guise that the liar is looking out for the best interest of the one being lied to. To this I say, pssssshhhhhh!
May I also say withholding information is just as bad as lying… But that’s an issue for another day.
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Toni speaks the truth, seeks the truth Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
High five for this comment. Lying, no matter how insignificant, adds a crack in your personal moral compass. Little lies turn into bigger ones. So what’s to stop you from, say, killing someone? My mama always used to tell me if you lie, you’ll steal and if you steal you’ll kill. OK last reply of the day. I have to go catch some liars now.
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first of all, I’m a horrible liar. like, I feel myself looking stupid when I lie (even thru the phone) because I’m just not good at it. plus my memory sucks–it takes too much energy to keep a lie going. Having said that, I’m the master of omission. If I didn’t mention it, I didn’t lie about it did I?
but seriously I live by “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to” early in life. I also brace myself for truth–in any way it comes, smoothed over or abrasive. I waiver in my own approach to others–sugar coated or raw; depends on the person and what they want to know from me. People I care a lot about I try to give them the raw, because they need the brutal truth sometimes. lol. shoot, so do I.
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Toni speaks the truth, seeks the truth Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I can’t lie worth a flip either.
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True story, I met this guy who was a painter. He wanted to go out, but I blew him off a few times. Next thing he tells me he is going to do a show in London the next day and wont be back for a few weeks, however he calls me 2 days later to hangout again. I finally went out with him and he was actually cool until he let it slip that he doesnt have a Passport, so obviously he was never going to do any shows abroad. These are the dumb lies men tell, the ones you really cant keep up. Its so dumb because it ruins your whole character.
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Honestly, I don’t buy all that ’save the man’s ego’ BS. Women are the ones that need constant reassurance and I dare say are inherently insecure. I’ve been asked a gazillion times “Am I the best?” Omg… How have a lied… “Did YOU climax?” hahahaha…. definitely lied here…. ->The idea is that we are suppose to cum and/or climax in any situation in any environment. So it’ll be more damaging to the psyche of a woman given the consensus on how us guys should function.
Along the lines of what Cheekz said, women want to be told what they want to hear -> Period. This includes truth and lies. However, they hope the great things you tell them aren’t lies. In the moment where you’re looking into her eyes while under the stars and you, on the fly, recite a metaphor that relates the connection you two share to how the stars twinkle and how they are connected, 7/10 times YOU ARE LYING YOUR ASS OFF. They know it too. But its good given the timing and the key point is HOW IT MAKES THEM FEEL. That’s the whole issue here really. Regardless of if its the truth or a lie, your right-nes or wrong-ness is determined by how it makes them feel. This explains why people even say: “You(He) didn’t even lie about it!” With some negative connotation of someone telling the truth. That why is also why brutal honesty is just as bad as out right lying.
Moral: You could be telling the truth but if a woman feels like you are lying to their feelings/experience it won’t even matter. People want truth to be what they feelings feel. And that isn’t based on facts at all. Lie to their face but not to their emotions.
That is all.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
MeteorMan…
CO-SIGN.
Your first? (pause)
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Streetztalk Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
THIS!
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The men have made some very valid point about women wanting the truth to suit them. But none of you have even entertained the idea that some men need their egos stroked in very similar ways. Deny it all ya want, but that sort of proves the point. Its something you have issues admitting to because of the same said ego. Yall are so tough that yall don’t worry about being hurt or disappointed by something a woman may or may not say…ever?? #themanswindle
I guess its time for Operation: Save-A-Negro’s-Ego to come to an end.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Who made up this ego thing? We aint sensitive. We don’t cry b/c we didn’t make a girl bust. We think two things
a)She is a lesbian
b)i’m too big for her.
But its no big deal. I think y’all made this sensitive ego thing up b/c you couldn’t deal with the look of dissappointment on those guys face. You guys are so ‘girly’ (for lack of a better word) it hurt to look at someone being that sad. The truth of the matter is those guys probably got over it alot quicker than you could have grabbed your rabbit and finished in the bathroom. And they probably became better lovers b/c they got honest answers and watched Nathan Threat and Byron Long more carefully.
The most honest girls I know, are the girl I know who have the best love life.
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QueenT Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Nope…
Men don’t ask for directions because of ego…ya’ll cannot admit failure. You would rather ruin a perfectly good plumbing system instead of calling someone who is actually qualified. You can’t fix everything….call a professional! All of this (plus dozens more) is because of ego, pride or whatever you want to call it…..defense rests.
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MeteorMan Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
uhhh. no…
We HAVE to ask questions/for directions. If the guys YOU been with don’t ask for directions then maybe they don’t care enough. If a homie cares, it doesn’t matter where his solution for you comes from (sometimes). But I can admit to failure of any kind. It’s part of accepting one’s mortality, growing up, and just being 100. The skewed view on the mentality of men is a product of the BOYS you play with and those shared insecurities. If a boo of mine kicks my ass in street fighter 4, my ego isn’t crushed. I don’t have to pretend I let her arse win. It is a turn on actually. That means she can hold her own too. That’s what’s up. All this is so contradictory. Women be crying and dying talking about how we want the women we date/marry to be like our mom. But what does mom do? She loves us to death but will bust some balls like no other. One has to be true… not both. sorry. So the save-a-negro-ego rap is a product of my psycho-analysis in my other post. Fall back… spring forward, then try again.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I am co-signing MeteorMan. And to add, I don’t think men are denying that they have an ego or pride that sometimes gets in the way. That doesn’t mean we’re not entitled to honesty when we ask a question.lol. If a fragile man asks a question he isn’t ready to hear the answer to, you’re still better off running the risk of him crumbling. He’ll either A. Not ask questions again or B. Stop dealing with you, which should ultimately leave you better off because you won’t be dealing with someone who is questioning and wondering about you as a result of your answer.
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QueenT Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
Don’t even get me started on honesty. So you are telling me you are 100% honest with your SO ALL the time under every circumstance, no matter what? If you can say that with all honesty then you are the bombdiggety…they need to clone you. If you have lied to your SO before then you need to ask yourself why you have lied. I lie to not hurt my SO and keep the relationship peaceful, especially when its not that serious. I am just not lying all over the place willy nilly….I don’t condone lying but sometimes its a necessary evil..that is all. Thanks.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Under all circumstances? No. If I am asked a question, I’ll either answer honestly or refuse to answer at all. Again, there’s a difference between solicited truths and unsolicited truths. I’m by no means perfect.
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QueenT Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
I am curious….why would you refuse to answer? Is it to spare feelings? being stubborn? Because basically, that would be the reason why I would tell a small lie..but, I don’t know if REFUSING to answer is the solution either…..because that is leaving alot of room for doubt and it just frustrates the person more. Maybe, that works for when dealing with a woman….but, I feel like a man will take that silence and just run off left with it…..IDK.
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Streetztalk Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
#lieswomentell
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
#streetzswindle
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Streetztalk Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
LOLOL I heard about my name used in vain
#LineSisterSwindle
smfh… cant win for losin
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To build on your reference from the “Baby Boy” movie in one of your previous posts:
Jody: I lie to you because I care about yo feelins’
I’m not saying lying is the way to go but do we really want to truth in every situation. We say we do, but is that really what we want?
Does a woman want to hear “Look, I slept with your best friend because she was the one I really wanted in the first place.”
I’m almost certain none of the fellas ever wants to hear “No, it’s not really that big and I usually think about the laundry I have to do till’ it’s over.”
These are extreme examples but they show the truth isn’t always what you want.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
**wipes brow**
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I accept the challenge…
I can’t speak for every guy in the world but…
Men do have ego’s. All human egos can be broken. Rather or not I need it stroked, no or at least not as much as some other parts. C’mon… We all have experience to the point where we can naturally figure someone could be lying. That knowledge that they are doing that may (or may not depending on the person) be ok or gain points enough for a pass. Foreal… If a girl wasn’t a virgin and I wasn’t her only one, changes are that MAYBE I’m not the best (to her). This already understood. But the need to be told that I am doesn’t exist for me. Everyone likes to told good things.
But the real ego in this blog exists in the collective mentality of women who think it’s their job to protect a guys ego (project-negro-ego or something) and they they alone can break it and rebuild it… The nerve!!! Think about it… we aren’t living lives like bubble boy… We’ve all heard/witnessed/experienced horrible situations. Every guy that has heard a story about his homie going through some ish and has put himself into the driver seat of that situation. Thought about it given its a reality. I don’t have the need to be told my d*ck is huge and I’m the best and that an orgasm has never been faked with me. Honestly, I’m not even thinking about it. I’m concentrating on your needs in the first place… I don’t need to be told it once, nor over and over. HOWEVER, women want to reassured constantly. If something changes in your normal patterns, women panic… They want to be reassured.
Flip side though…
If a dude is lacking something and as a woman you feel the need to lie to him in accordance to project-negro-ego, they why? Here’s my psycho-analysis and yes some hearts/minds will break:
In the construct of society women are forcefully put into 2nd place (3rd or 4th based on race sometimes). One of the few accepted realms of in which a woman has control is within a relationship. So women automatically assume they have the abilities to break and/or rebuild a man’s ego. Note that any random guy can’t break a woman’s heart unless she SURRENDERED it. However, an ego is not surrendered. So how could she ever have the control? The perception of control is to feed an insecurity.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Dude, that last paragraph is beast. Once again, I co-sign!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
**blushing cuz your response was so manly**
I was being totally facetious about that “save a negro’s ego thing.” I don’t want a man who I need to build up bit by bit. I don’t have the time or energy to be piecing him together. Some women are down for that kind of project. Not I. That said, I do want to do what I can to not tear him down…All I was doing was asking you to do exactly what you did: acknowledge that you have feelings (or ego or whatever) that are worth considering sometimes, but hit me with some manly stuff that I like (pause).
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Renee Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“However, an ego is not surrendered. So how could she ever have the control? The perception of control is to feed an insecurity.”
I don’t agree with this statement. An example is, your man buys you something nice for your birthday but you hate it. Lying and saying its nice isn’t about my insecurity as a woman, its about being appreciative. Also if you were with a woman you cared about and you asked her how your performance ranked and she gave you a mediocre. It wouldn’t affect your ego? That’s hard to believe.
I feel like as a man you have no right to judge a woman’s insecurities, how is stoking a mans ego suppose to improve a woman’s insecurities, we do it because we want to be your support system and your biggest cheerleader.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
WE DON’T WANT A CHEERLEADER!
Even in football.. them dumbh03s don’t even know when to cheer! We want honesty.
You cheer b/c somewhere in this crazy world you learned that cheering a man on = being a good wifey. And that title of good wifey is what you are after. Lying is not supporting us. It puts you in a better position (mentally).
“Also if you were with a woman you cared about and you asked her how your performance ranked and she gave you a mediocre. It wouldn’t affect your ego?”
Look the way women rank partners has very little to do with ability and rest primarily with who they have the biggest connection with. If I’m not your best, I am only looking for pointers.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I’m mixed on your comment Renee. I was ready to respond with essay until i saw the “support system and biggest cheerleader” part. I can appreciate that. I also think we gotta compare apples to apples. Telling a man that the gift you got him is ugly is obviously not the right thing to do even if you think so. I get the appreciation thing, and this is one of those exception situations. Same way that if you’re planning your boo a surprise party that you may lie about your whereabouts, but it’s ultimately for his/her benefit. We gotta be comparing apples to apples on these fibs.lol.
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MeteorMan Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Yes. You are correct. (Oh look! My ego isn’t broken!) The analysis was incomplete and shorthand (and flawed). There does not exist a direct relationship between stroking a man’s ego and any woman’s insecurities. It is said that the man’s need to feel in control is due to his ego and women say that they feed that illusion otherwise it will break it. But I never said/implied that it “improved” anything. It doesn’t help her get over her insecurities but the egotistical view of having absolute control over someone else’s ego enables already present insecurity. Why isn’t it egotistical for women to assume such a self-appointed position? So using all your examples we’ll construct a proof:
Assume a connection between a woman’s insecurities and she stroking a man’s ego does not exist. Then it follows that the strokes to one person’s ego is disjoint to the concerns and causes of the insecurities in question for someone else. The need for the ego stroking suggests there’s some level of caring involved. A woman cares not only about how she is viewed by him, but also her own mental impression on how he accepts the information she gives. In other words, she analysis and guesses on how he sees the responses she give and then makes a judgment (Yes, women will try to tell you how you think). She does this because outside of the verbal and visual reassurance he gives, she has to convince herself the everything is relatively fine. Every person has concerns so, it follows that every woman a concern. In the context of a relationship this may manifest itself as wondering if he’s truly fulfilled in every-way. Given the assertion is that men are predominately sexual beings, she asserts that his liking of the relationship as a whole relies on his said ego in reference to his sexual performance and/or gestures of affection (the gift example). She wants affection, in fact she needs affection and lots of it. Without it she cannot truly attest to the security of the relationship. Given there’s a constant need to attest for security that mean she is insecure in that aspect. Therefore, the strokes to the ego connects to her insecurity of the state of the relationship, need it be title, level of emotional connection, physical aspects, her looks VERSES the looks of other women, etc… However the previous statement contradicts with the first assertion that there doesn’t exists a connection between ego strokes and a woman’s insecurities. Hence, there do exist connections between a woman’s insecurities and the ego strokes she gives.
QED
Corollary: The view of having absolute control of someone’s un-surrendered ego is a sign of over compensation for a lack of control somewhere else. (Men do it too). :-p
I never said nothing can affect a man’s (or any human’s) ego, but I’m saying that the model of absolute control of a man’s ego within the confines of a relationship is either none existent or falsely presented.
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Renee Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
WOW, you hit on some very good points. However the :-p <——- Thats not cool :-/
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MeteorMan Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Oh! Sorry… didn’t mean come off like an arse. I meant it in a playful (yet non-sexual) manner. Regardless of what’s written, it’s always in a playful tone.
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Renee Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I was j/k, if I hadn’t been burnt out from work I would have took you on, next time! its all <3 on my side also.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Damn MM what you eat today?
Co-Sign.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:17 pm
MeteorMan,
Will you be my e-boo?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Whoa!
I thought you were taking a break from men?
I purposed to you yesterday in a cheap attempt to get you to sleep with me and this is how you repay me?!!?
You could have had it all Jenkins, you could have been my third or fourth option. SMH
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Streetztalk Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
This is why I can’t eff with Jenkins. Shes down with OPE Other Peoples E-boos
and MM gets the MVP for the day
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:34 pm
I know not of what you speak.
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MeteorMan Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I got you… It depends on if you’re being on honest or just stroking my ego. hahahaha
The complete proof is up. (no pun intended)
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I stroke more than egos, boo…
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MeteorMan Reply:
October 29th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I guess that assumes you stay true to the title of this blog. *no fumble* lol
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If yall dont post on this, your lying!
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Lying is the cowards way, lying binds you, once you start lying it leads to more lies…
There is freedom in the truth, no guilt inside of living an honest life.
Half truths are lies..there is a diff between not opening up every page of your life to someone/everyone and purposely omitting info with the intent to deceive, thats the diff….I’m on the side of Truth, no matter how hard or cruel some truths can be, I prefer honesty tempered with love honey
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I think there are certain things that’s it’s ok to lie about and other things that its NEVER ok to lie about. For example, telling your S.O. that they’re “the best you ever had” and they really aren’t… well that’s not that big of a deal but if you S.O. asks you if you’re cheating (and you are guilty) and you lie… well that’s never cool…..
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