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A Lesson Learned
Shout out to Tramayne for suggesting this topic.
I turned 25 this weekend. Yes I know, I write with the wisdom of someone blessed with more years on this here earth. #justkidding. When I think about the experiences I have had over the last years, I realized that I learned a lot, either through my own experiences or by listening to others recount their own. Not every thing people say or make into some catchy phrase is worthy of repeating or retaining. But in the spirit of aging learning and growing, I want to share a few things that I have found true and useful.
Your character is all you have.
This is a concept many people take for granted and often misunderstand. Character is not about your personality per se; it’s about the kind of person you are. People can like or dislike your personality, but when people question your character, it cuts a little deeper. Saying that you don’t like her dry sense of humor is not the same as saying she’s a shady lady. And sure, I’ve done some things that have made me question my own character, but I do my best to carry myself in a way that doesn’t cause others to do the same. And if they do, I’ll be ready to deal with the consequences, if any.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Lord, I have learned this in various relationships with men and women. A friend smiling in my face in one moment and then throwing me under the bus in the next. A dude saying all the right things and showing his ass true colors 5 minutes later. Sigh. Listening to what people say about themselves is only half of the story. Pay attention to their actions. If she tells you one thing, but acts some other way, maintain a safe distance. If he continuously goes back on his word, you already know. There’s a reason why you’re the one who gets shamed if you’re fooled by the same fool twice.
Look for the lessons in pain.
Despite my age, I’ve had my share of painful experiences. At times I have (and still) ask myself “Why me?” But instead of waiting for an answer that massages my self-loathing feelings, I have learned to see the bad experiences as a few things: 1) preparation to help me appreciate the good things that have and will continue to happen; 2) sources of faith and strength; and 3) proof that joy comes in the morning. In my suffering, there is a story to be told. If someone learns something from any of my pain, it was worth it.
Be willing to reflect on your actions.
Doing this keeps you honest and self-aware, if you’re into that kind of thing. At certain points in my life, I found myself doing the same things over and over again. I would get annoyed with the results of the situation, but had no idea what kept me making the same mistakes or feeling the same way. Eventually I started to ask myself some hard questions and spent time trying to understand what the hell I was doing or thinking. This doesn’t mean I don’t make those kinds of decisions anymore. If I do, now at least I understand why I do and eliminate the sense of frustration.
Don’t miss the forest for the trees.
My professor said this to my class on the last day of my graduate program. I remember being slightly confused, but I’m glad my excitement about graduating didn’t tune her out. She talked about how easy it is to get so caught up in the day-to-day details of life, your job, your family, and your issues that you forget the importance of stepping back and seeing the big picture. As someone who is prone to worrying, this was probably some of the best advice I’ve gotten to date. Yes, what you do today matters; what you are dealing with today matters. But remember you are living a life, not one day. Don’t lose sight of either.
A few months ago, one of my aunts told me that “Your twenties are gonna suck. You don’t really know who you are until you hit your thirties. And then once you turn 40, you go back to being confused again.” At first I resisted the idea because except for this whole being in school thing, my twenties have been quite fun. However, I think the point of her life-disclaimer was that no matter where you’ve come from, you still have somewhere else to go. And for all that you think you know, there is more to be gained or lost. I still have so much living and learning to do; so many more experiences to have. God willing, I will take these next years of my life by the horns, have fun, achieve some things, and handle the joys and bumps with grace.
Enough about me. What are some lessons you learned that have gotten you through? What would have been helpful in hindsight? Do you feel like a new age or life event caused you to step back and reflect on things? Share the wealth.
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“All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.” 1 Corinthians 10:23
My grandfather used to quote that verse to me a lot when I was a child but it wasn’t until about six months ago where I started to realize what he was trying to tell me. I’ve always been a stickler for telling and seeking the truth and something that made a horrible friend because I wasn’t sensitive to my friends needs or attitude. I was so interested in the telling them what was right that I wasn’t there just to be shoulder to cry on.
I’m learning when and where to tell the truth can just as important as the truth itself. Just because it’s right doesn’t necessarily mean that it needs to be said at the point. I’m learning to be a better friend by gauging my friend’s mood and eliminating my “truth” aka judgmental sermons and just being there.
Excellent post Ms. Jenkins!
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the only one that sticks out right now is..
1. when you feel the nudge of the Lord, telling you what to do.. just DO IT!! i’ve been in a relationship that i KNEW God didn’t mean for me, cuz i couldn’t see myself disconnecting myself.. now, i want my 20′s back.. cuz he took my good years.. it sucks.. but let’s be honest.. we can all wander around like the Israelites looking for the promised land.. or we can cut out all the wandering and get there quickly..
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My 2nd good read on a MONDAY?! You guys are making my Monday no-so depressing.
I haven’t commented in ages but I’m glad it was to this post.
“Your character is all you have.” I love this. Won’t even elaborate on this.
“When people show you who they are, believe them.” I’ve made a few mistakes and given people the benefit of the doubt. Never again. Once you mess up and continue to do so, I know now that’s who you really are. A f* up..
“Look for the lessons in pain” Ahh, the story of my life.. Why me? Why not me? I just end up thinking, “You have three choices in life: Give up, give in, or give it all you’ve got.” And I go from there.
“Don’t miss the forest for the trees.” I’ve run out of words. I love this post.
*sways with lighter in one hand*
I feel like since I just started my 20s I’m going to have to make some bigger decisions (#given) I don’t know if I’m ready for the real world. I’m still scared (and can admit it, so?!) There’s a lot going on in my head that’s probably too much for me right now. Just taking each day one at a time and learning to not stress little things while I’m at it… (if any of that makes sense lol)
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Great post! Happy belated birthday too.
Your aunt nailed it when she said “A few months ago, one of my aunts told me that “Your twenties are gonna suck. You don’t really know who you are until you hit your thirties.”
I’m turning 31 in a few weeks and although things are still crazy, they are a lot clearer too. Yes, that sounds odd but that’s the way things are.
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Jenkins,
This post is on point! I cosign with all your life lessons. A couple that I’ve learned:
Live Life With No Regrets – The worst thing you can think of is “I wish I would have xyz” Especially with big decisions, relationships, etc. Go hard all the time. People say I beast on life. I tell them that to my knowledge you only get one life, so I’m going to make the most out of this until the day I stop breathing!
The Future is now! – Time is far from linear, so you have to understand that you have to think about the present to ensure future success. You have to think about the future to ensure that the present isn’t in vein. Always think 5 moves ahead!
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“When people show you who they are, believe them.”
If I can’t get people to learn any other lesson, I need folks to get that.
Another personal lesson for me is sometimes, you have to let folks go.
That sounds simple and basic enough, but you know, you put time and effort into folks and then you realize they’re a HORRIBLE fit for your life. I suppose this plays into believing people when they show you who they are, but it also goes further into knowing exactly what to do when you realize they’re not good people for you.
A final one is never apologizing for who you are. That’s straightforward, I think, but definitely a lesson that’s harder to understand when you’re not even sure who you are.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 9:47 am
I so have to co-sign this! In my experience it wasn’t that the people were bad from the start but more that we grew apart. Every person in your life isn’t meant to be in your life forever and letting someone go doesn’t make you a bad person. This was especially hard with old school friends and the like.
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A.Smith Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 9:49 am
This = story of my life. Really understanding that sometimes you really do grow apart and that that fact is not reflective on anybody’s character. Just a fact of life.
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Your list is very insightful.
I am considerably older then you are but I will say I have learned alot and I still have alot to learn…one of my main objectives is to “Keep God first in everything you do and you will never falter”….
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25?!?!?
over achiever!
But, Happy Bday, AGAIN! You are really stretching it out.
Here is a quote all my boondocks fans will remember. I’m getting it tatted on my chest next week. Bc everyone has a tatoo and I feel like a loser. So I am overcompensating by getting a big cool one that is all deep and ishh.
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity.”
~Khalil Gibran
Its a much longer poem. But Huey didn’t say the whole thing.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 10:01 am
u aint gettin’ that tatted.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am
Negro you won’t even be in Cali by that time. How are you going to tell me what I am getting?!!?
I’m also getting an S-curl and I’m buying a pitbull and training him to bring me my house shous and 40 Oz.
B/c that is how I roll.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 11:43 am
what does me being in cali have to do with the fact that you’re too scary to get the tatt?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
How many times do I have to prove to people that I am never scared (ATTENTION!)
unlike some people.. who run away every time they see a blogger.
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Guns & Butter Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 3:04 pm
i know i’m not scary. word to sxsw.
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great list!
I really don’t have anything to add. all of these things are on point. I don’t think my 20s sucked though–as they were about the discovery. I learned and loved a lot, made some stupid mistakes and had a bunch of fun! Shoot I’m still making mistakes and having fun, but I’m closer to 30 and eager for the next stage.
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This the greatest list to sum up what I’ve learned this year. Especially reflecting on your actions, realizing who people are (and where they fit in your life), and your character. Although my daddy has been saying your character (and word) are all you have at the end of the day I never took it seriously- but he’s certainly right.
And happy belated birthday
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one of my faves is “do what you love, f*ck everybody else” got that from a movie. but its true. Life will always have its critics. Follow your passion and you will truly be happy.
My second is: forgive, forgive, forgive!!! Regardless of what happened to you and who did it, forgive and let it go! Dwelling on the past will keep you stuck. Plus the best revenge is TRULY LIVING WELL!!
Lastly: A man is known by the company he keeps. If you have single bitter friends…..guess what? that’ll be he signal you send out. Also if your friends are trifling…same thing too.
Finally: follow your own advice. There is NO SUCH THING AS A RELATIONSHIP GURU. If you havent been happily married atleast 20 years then…..youre not an expert. If you don’t have kids, how dare you call yourself a child expert? Get my drift? Only you know whats best for you …xoxo
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Have to co-sign this also! Carrying around anger and bitterness etc. from the past will kill you. I tell people all the time I don’t care enough to hold a grudge and that is so the truth. You can piss me off, break my heart, betray me, etc. and yes it will hurt but I refuse to waste more time and energy being angry and hurt for years to come. I bet you aren’t losing sleep over me so I d*mn sure aint losing no sleep over you. Let it go!
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With time I’ve learned to doubt myself less because I’ve always taken the time to know myself so knows what I need better than me?
I’ve always known you can’t please everyone, and not everyone is going to like me, so I never worried much about that; but learned to be more diplomatic when necessary.
And I’m still learning to live for today rather than waiting for a better day tomorrow.
It seems silly that as recently as age 28 I was so upset about the impending 3-0, but something happened in the year or so in between that got me moving and now that I’m here I’m loving it (doesn’t hurt that I still get taken for 25-26
. I do think this decade is going to be kinda awesome!
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I learned not to grab random chicks by the back of the head and throw them across the room. lol (inside joke)
On a more serious note, I dont know why but I am a huge Miami Hurricane fan. I love the U. One day Santana Moss said something that has stuck with me from the momemt he said it to this day. “Big time players make big time plays in big time games”. When the going gets tough, what kind of player are you going to be? You will be remembered on how you showed up when it mattered most.
My college defensive coordinator used to say “Show out or dont show up”. I took this to mean that everything you do, you give it your all or you dont do it.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 11:44 am
I remember that game. Vs FSU i think. The Moss brothers were the man in college. Santana isn’t a bad pro either.
I use to love the U too. Than some ish happened with wifey. Now its Eff the whole ACC. Big East 4 life.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
I cant ride w/ the Big East. They seem fraudulent. Mid-major and 1AA talent masquerading as a power conference football teams
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Cheekie Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
“Please Excuse Your Significant Other”
Did you have this as your handle before? If so, I missed it (unfortunately) but I love it. If not, I simply love it.
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Please Excuse Your Significant Other Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:43 pm
I use it from time to time. Thanks!
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I’m a poker player. Texas Hold Em, to be precise. There’s a poker quote that goes:
“Poker reveals to the frank observer something else of import—it will teach him about his own nature. Many bad players do not improve because the cannot bear self-knowledge.”
That statement applied to real life is alot like tiff’s “be willing to reflect on your actions”
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Terrific post, Tiff!! Hope you had a great b-day celebration!
A few things I’ve learned (and yes, a lot of it WAS learned at the tender threshold of the 25th birthday, which was last year, soon to be 26 in July!)
- How to love myself (um, pause…not in that way, I’ve already graduated from that way)…for me. I’ve found I’m becoming more and more confident with myself as I grow older. Of course some insecurities will always be there, I’m human, but I’ve never loved myself more than I do today and it took me a while to get here and I still have miles to go.
- Knowledge is limitless. I know as a teenager had that aura of “I know it all”, but I’ve truly realized I don’t. And even when I get older I don’t want to have that mentality…just because I’m older. I want to always be aware that there is and will always be more to learn.
- Live in the now. Everything is happening right now. This is something my mama has taught me since I was in high school, and I’m learning and re-learning it everyday. I’ve come to realize that the past and future are our main source of worry. Yes, it’s good to keep a plan for the future, but don’t plan so much that you miss out on the present (a gift, hence the reason why it’s called the present). Because even when you get to tomorrow, you’re gonna call it today.
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A.Smith Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 11:33 am
“- Knowledge is limitless. I know as a teenager had that aura of “I know it all”, but I’ve truly realized I don’t. And even when I get older I don’t want to have that mentality…just because I’m older. I want to always be aware that there is and will always be more to learn.”
#yassss!!!
Just had a convo over the weekend with a friend about how 19 feels like a lifetime ago (we met when we were 19). I told her it’s because at 19 I thought I knew everything, but now, I know I don’t actually know much of anything…which is SO much more than I knew then.
Now I’m looking forward to knowing something for sure.
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Cheekie Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Yes, I think Erykah Badu said it best in her song “On & On”: “A man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all.”
Effing dope lyric on the real.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
“(um, pause…not in that way, I’ve already graduated from that way)”
graduate?
is there a school for pounding your flounder?
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Cheekie Reply:
May 10th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Maybe, maybe not. I was just goin’ with a school theme since Tiff mentioned she graduated. lol I do think you can get better at it over time though.
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Great post! I usually take my Mondays to reflect for the week ahead and this was an excellent way to start it off.
So I’m only 22 and very excited about where I’m going in life and I’ve made a promise to myself to live it up, take full advantage of opportunities, and be open to change. Some things that have really hit me lately are:
“Opportunity only knocks once but temptation leans on the door.”
Also, I try to surround myself with individuals from all walks of life. Older people always have great advise to offer and can save you from a lot of needless mistakes and younger people enthusiasm can reinvigorate your spirit.
“Don’t ask permission, ask forgiveness.” – Sometimes you just gotta be bold to make things happen.
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