Double Feature: Love is Not a First Sight Thing
Baby, I knew when I laid my eyes upon you that sunny summer day that you were the one. It was a feeling I never felt before. When our eyes met, I sensed a level of attraction and chemistry that left me not only feeling weak, but also as if time had froze so that I could savor this moment. I felt as if the Lord laid a perfect plan to place you in my life on that particular day. And as we lay hear embracing in this heavenly bed, I can’t help but admit to you that it was love at first sight for me.
Do you know how much I laughed when writing this foolishness above? Love at first sight? You have got to be kidding me. I’m not here today to be Dr. Downer and to rain on the love parade of those who have found it or are seeking it. I’m here to share my perspective on what I interpret love to be and why, as a result, “love at first sight” might be one of the most bogus concepts of all time…with one exception. I’ll get to that later on though.
In thinking about how I wanted to define love, I ran a search on “the Google”¹ to see what was out there. Some of the generic definitions that came up for love were as follows:
- A strong positive emotion of regard and affection
- Having a great affection or liking for
- Getting pleasure from oral delight
- The act of intercourse
- A score of zero in tennis or squash
As these examples indicate, there really is no universal definition of love out there regardless of the context. I actually got a bit of a headache as I read these definitions from “the Google”¹ and other websites. It’s no simpler for me when I try to break down the concept of love as it relates to people and not day-to-day activities like writing. When it comes to loving an individual(s), I have to separate it into segments. I have to consider the love of family, the love of friends, the love of a significant other, and the love of those other people. Of course anybody reading this could go to Dr. Drew’s website or some other source to get a clinical definition, but clinical definitions don’t necessarily make things any easier. And honestly, I don’t expect what’s below to make this any easier either. I’ll try to keep it brief for the sake of those with ADD.
Love of Family and Friends
I was going to separate the 2, but I ran into some difficulties articulating each of them in a way that would draw a clear distinction. In considering the way I love my family and closest friends, I know and feel that I would do anything for them if they needed it. If someone tried to cause harm to a family member or succeeded in harming a family member, I’d be ready to go to jail for them. I’d try to protect them in any way possible even if I had to incur harm to myself. On a less violent note, when I’m around those close to me that I love, I’m a much happier person. I get (non-sexually) excited just knowing that they’re coming to town or that I’m going to visit them wherever they may be. It’s not something I had thought about defining as love before I wrote this post, but it makes sense. It’s also important to mention that this type of love takes time to develop and isn’t as unconditional as some think. After all, blood may make you relatives but it doesn’t always make you family.
Love of a Significant Other
Ah yes, the most complicated type of love. I think a lot of people misdiagnose their initial feelings for love when they’re really just experiencing infatuation or lust. You meet someone. You assess their appearance and decide within the first couple of minutes if you’d frolick with them. You converse to learn more and do your sales spiel. You exchange contact information. You chat. You hangout. You start officially dating. Somewhere within all of this you get intimate. A connection is formed beyond the sheets and you realize how strongly you feel about the person and what they add to your life and what you add to theirs.
Love of a significant other requires a tremendous amount of personal sacrifice. If it’s real love, it’ll encompass all of the things included in the love of a family member or close friend and more. In the context of a relationship, love is a responsibility and a natural feeling. When the other person isn’t around, you miss them. When you see them, you show them how you feel and they do the same. You’re consistently supposed to make each other feel good without having to expend much energy to do so. The person can be sleeping and by their presence alone, you feel loved and you feel equally as strongly about them. Love is a definitely a strong feeling and affection for—particularly in a relationship. And it’s certainly more complicated that the 200 or so words I gave it here.
Love of Those Other People
We hear a lot of talk about loving thy neighbor and such. I don’t have much to say here other than if I don’t have a deep shared sense of experience and commonality with people in this group, the love will only go so far. I’m not taking a bullet or jumping into a raging river just because we sit next to each other at every service or because someone told me to hug you. I’ll just look down from the bridge, watch you go over the edge into the waterfall, and then pray about it. Sorry.
If there’s one thing you probably noticed in me describing my concept of love in different scenarios, it’s that it takes time to develop. Love can’t be a first sight thing. Oh yeah, about that exception I mentioned. I’d say that the only true “love at first sight” is when a parent sees their child for the first time. #undisputed
What do you think? Is there such thing as love at first sight aside from child birth? How do you define love as it relates to the different people in your life? Any other thoughts on the topic?
Love ya,
¹Coined by George Dubya
39 Responses to “Double Feature: Love is Not a First Sight Thing”
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“Falling in love is easy, someone tell me how to stay there.” – Tavon (Love Jones)
i don’t know what made me think of this but i feel as far as the love of a significant other its easy to fall in love. although i don’t believe in love at first sight. what people most likely experience is lust at first sight. that funny passage you wrote at the beginning sounds like some ish on the inside of a hallmark card, not real life. love is something that is worked on and sacrificed for, not something that knocks you up beside the head while you aren’t looking. hogwash.
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Nikki Aimee Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 1:25 am
“Love is what you make and with whom you make it.” -Savon in Love Jones
First thing that came to mind when I finished reading this post so, it’s so funny that you too thought of a Love Jones quote.
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Love is my middle name (no really, my middle name means love)…
Since my mom felt compelled to name me love I’ve always been a little preoccupied with the concept and it’s definition.
The definition I use, in any relationship is as follows:
Love** – The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Love is an action not a feeling. Love is a mix of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, honesty, and open communication.
I don’t believe in love at first sight but I do believe in intuition. I have definitely met someone and known upon first meeting them that they would be significant in my life. That whole Wedding Crasher’s quote “the recognition of one’s counterpoint in another”. I believe that does happen sometimes. It’s not necessarily “love” at first sight, but simply recognition of a fated crossing of paths.
**This definition comes from Dr. Scott Peck, by way of, bell hooks. Three books have really aided my understanding of love:
bell hooks – All About Love: New Visions and Salvation: Black People and Love
Dr. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled… bell hooks drops his name repeatedly in her books on love and after reading his book I know why #lifechanging
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Peyso Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Who remembers the non funny lines from Wedding Crashers?
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:57 am
Maybe I’ve neglected to mention this but I’m a nerd. It’s okay, I’ve accepted it.
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Tunde Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:02 am
damned if i know.
“Perhaps play a little game called “just the tip”. Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you’re on my hair.”
“Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What’d you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?”
Vince Vaughn was hilarious in that movie. That last quote was actually my ringtone for a minute. lol
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Peyso Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:11 am
“That we’re all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I’m one with everyone – with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from ‘What’s Happening,’ the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote ‘Catcher in the Rye,’ Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We’re all one. “
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“You’re consistently supposed to make each other feel good without having to expend much energy to do so.”
co-sign²
This and the entire description of love for a significant other felt really solid to me. I feel for the first time that I’m actually in that kind of relationship and I know I could never feel this for someone I’ve just met.
“Love at first sight” is just some bull-ish the greeting card and romantic-flick industries made up. Eff them and Valentine’s day (sorry I know it’s not Friday but I really had to let that out cuz V-Day really is a dumb holiday, smh).
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I believe that two people who don’t know one another could in an instant exchange a look of love, or feel a similar sensation for one another. It may be possible that love at first sight is something that happens…but perhaps people are too guarded to act on this feeling or explore it, therefor no one’s really sure if it’s possible to love not “at” but “from” first sight because no one is open enough to embrace such an intense exchange with someone they don’t know. Love is such a mysterious and undefined way that it is almost impossible to pin it down. What does it mean to love someone? If it is “Having a great affection or liking for”, then it is possible to feel this for a person when you first meet them. It is possible for both people to feel it very intensely at meeting each other. But then, are both people able get to know one another and continue to fall deeper in love after revealing true colors? There lays love in comfort and acceptance of another,(and in the warmth of knowing that you are loved for who you were, are, and may become) flaws and all! If this is so then love at first sight has to be more of a spiritual connection…something much deeper and much more powerful than what the majority of us define love to be, or have ever opened our minds and let down our guards to embrace. I do know that the world needs more love…and maybe we should all try practicing the art of falling in love at a glance. It may be the only way we’ll ever know if there is truth in this “love at first sight” foolishness.
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Love at first sight is maybe a stretch but I do believe in recognition or in other words “there’s something about Mary..”, that curiosity that has you going “what makes him so different?” I’ve only felt that once in my life and it could’ve been just simple body chemistry but that chemistry with him lasted through initial friendship, then a relationship with him, the break up with him, relationships with other people and then came back full circle to be with him again. So do I believe in love at first sight….I still don’t know, lol, what I do know is I believe in that something-something different.
I can vouch for the instant “oh My God” feeling when seeing your child for the first time…it was like…”you’re mine, I made you, you have my nose and my chin..and look at your eyes, they are mine, too…” that kind of love hit me like I was just slapped..like BAM..love!
In regards to other people…I fully agree with you that blood doesn’t automatically make folk your family, y’all just related. I have friends that are so much closer to me than my blood kin so much so that when we first started planning our wedding my portion of the guest list (outside of immediate fam.) consisted of my friends and THEIR families, my kin was a second thought like “Oh yeah I forgot all about them.” Not that there’s animosity between us..it’s just that they’re JUST kinfolk so to speak…*shrugs*
Love is a feeling that you act upon; it is both noun and verb to me.
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Kris Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:08 am
All of these have been so thought-provoking. I am young. 21 and naive I’m quite certain. However, I met someone a week ago and haven’t stopped thinking about him since. I’ve only met/spoken to him twice though. It was the most intense/incredible/moving/wonderful sick feeling ever. I thought I was either going to pass out or get sick, but neither happen – I was able to stutter through some words although public speaking is my strong point. I repeated myself several times and couldn’t stop smiling. He came to my work again a week after the first meeting. Same unexplainable feelings. I don’t even want to attract him or make him notice me, it’s more like I just want to be around him. Get to know everything. I want the chance to see if what I felt could really be this myth we all speak of.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 22nd, 2010 at 6:53 am
Let us know how it works out for you. I’m pretty curious to know more.
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I also believe that love evolves, it’s dynamic, it doesn’t stay the same, levels change, perspectives change…essentially the base or foundation is always there but it’s growth isn’t linear.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 8:43 am
The growth is definitely not linear, since people sometimes don’t realize how much they love a person until a tragedy strikes or something else happens in life. I do kinda wonder when people say we should love a significant other more and more with each passing day. I think that has it’s peaks and valleys as well.lol.
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Ms. Cherry Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:15 am
“I do kinda wonder when people say we should love a significant other more and more with each passing day. I think that has it’s peaks and valleys as well.”
Not only are there peaks and valleys but also there’s a difference between loving someone and liking them lol… Just cause you love them, doesn’t mean you’re always gonna like them.
When you’re in love with someone that doesn’t mean every morning you wake up, roll over, look at their sweet face and hear birds singing. Some days you roll over, cut your eyes at them, and mumble under your breath “you’re lucky I love you, otherwise…”
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Peyso Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:48 am
“you’re lucky I love you, otherwise…”
That may be the truest, most true, truenificent thing I’ve ever read
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Smiley Face Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:19 am
I agree…the thing is, is that we have too many folk that think love is perfect, that it will remain the same if tested and when it doesn’t we get disappointed when it does change and we think that’s it’s not love anymore. We need to understand that when it is tested it may go off and spike into another branch but it’s still growing from the same root.
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Love of a significant other requires a tremendous amount of personal sacrifice.
I think this is so on point and so true and I tihnk it’s not understanding that, that dooms some relationships from the start. If you’re not willing to sacrifice, you’re not ready for this love thing and should probably re-seat yourself on the bench.
I’m skeptical of the love at first sight idea. I agree with others who say there’s something to be said of an immediate attraction, but attraction does not equal love.
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Hm. Even though I’m effing Love and Slim for reminding me how NOT loved/loving I am, I’ll speak on this.
Not trying to beat a dead horse, but when I think of the different types of Love, I think of the different ways I feel about God and vice versa. My brother says Love is finding God in other people. Seeing someone not for what they’ve done or who they are, but finding the beauty and divine in every person. I guess that’s how you can love your neighbor or someone you don’t even know. So in a way, I still kinda believe in a certain type of love at first meeting (not sight). Maybe in a 20 minute conversation with someone, the God within shines so brightly, you feel Love. It’s never happened to me, but I know ppl who truly have felt that way before (and have been married x-ty years).
Also, an addendum to your Love at first sight… I think Love for a child in general is possible on contact. Maybe it’s so easy because they’re still so innocent, and the God within them is still so strong and not tainted by life and society. I have nieces, cousins, friends’ kids, and most of all my nephew that the minute I laid eyes on them, I was in Love. Truly, lay my life down, miss them when they’re not around, happy every moment I spend with them, head over heels Love these kids. So it’s not just your own I think.
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LOL @ the footnote. I think that may be a 3Ways first.
Good job at defining love. As to your for first point, (notwithstanding your exception), love at first sight for a boo piece is nonsense. This is one place where hindsight skews the vision a bit. It irks me when I hear people say that in wedding speeches or whatever. “I knew from the first moment I laid eyes on you…” blah blah. No the hell you didn’t. You knew he or she was hot, and you enjoyed your initial interaction, but you loved them enough to marry them or sacrifice for them, etc. from jump? #comeonson.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 9:53 am
I think the only thing a man loves from first sight of a woman is the thought of undressing her and plunging into her thang. #crudebuttrue
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In my mind love at first sight means “I could love you”. It doesnt mean that I will ever speak to you or that it will necessarily develop into love.
Love at is core is to be a friend. Then you have to ask what does it mean to be a friend. I was reading a lecture by the first woman to earn a doctorate from THE University of Penn, Anna Robertson Brown Lindsay. She wrote (and pardon the length):
“To have a friend is to have one of the sweetest gifts that life can bring: to be a friend is to have a solemn and tender education of soul from day to day. A friend gives us confidence for life. A friend makes us outdo ourselves. A friend remembers us when we have forgotten ourselves, or neglected ourselves: he takes loving heed of our health, our work, our aims, our plans. A friend may praise us, and we are not embarrassed ; he may rebuke us, and we are not angered. If he be silent, we understand. It takes a great soul to be a true friend,— a large, catholic, steadfast, and loving spirit. One must forgive much, forget much, forbear much. It costs to be a friend, or to have a friend: there is nothing else in life, except motherhood, that costs so much. It not only costs time, affection, strength, patience, love,— sometimes a man mnst even lay down his life for his friends. There is no true friendship without self-abnegation, self-sacrifice.
Let us be slow to make friends, but, having once made them, let us pray that neither life nor death, misunderstanding, distance, nor doubt, may ever come between us, to vex our peace. Let us be patient, let us be kindly, let us be self-possessed in friendship. There are so many ways of grieving a friend,—shall we not walk softly before him ? Let us be true to our friends, and then believe that they are and ever will be true to us. True love never nags; it trusts. One of the dearest thoughts to me is this,— that a real friend will never get away from me, or try to, or want to. Love does not have to be tethered, either in time or eternity.”
If that doesnt capture what love is, iQuit
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ASmith Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:07 am
That quote is the greatest thing I’ve read in a long time.
Not enough people take friendships seriously.
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Reecie Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:15 am
In my mind love at first sight means “I could love you”.
you know what, you are absolutely right. in my case it did develop–but the intense immediate feeling was exactly what you typed.
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N.I.A. lovesthekids Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:31 am
Great quote!! It really captures what it means to love.
I like your definition of love at first sight. I think that’s what most people mean when they say it was love at first sight when they first meet that person.
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Smiley Face Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 11:25 am
Love it and very true.
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Funny you wrote about Love at First Sight because I just had the fleeting thought and almost tweeted it not too long ago that I believe in love at first sight. I’ve experienced it. It was a long time ago but for what I knew love to be at the time it was real, to me.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:34 am
We’re making progress on this “love at first sight” thing it seems.lol.
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Someone please refer Slim Jackson to the Emo Cats post, lol..
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 10:48 am
No need to refer me anywhere. I’m not standing outside some chick’s window with a guitar or throwing pebbles at her window to get her to hear me out.lol. Jerk.
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Streetztalk Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 11:00 am
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Nah I felt you though son [||]
People confuse visual perception for emotional confirmation. Thats where misunderstandings occur.
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There is no such thing as love at first sight. What you call love, I call lust, desire, intense phyiscal attraction. At first sight, you don’t even know if you like that person, let alone love them.
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I believe in ooh baby you look so good I wonder how good you’d be at banging my back out but certainly not love at first sight.
My deepest feelings have come for those with whom I was not initially attracted to- but something deep inside them caught up to me after a bit. I actually think the best relationships for me have grown out of friendships so I hope there is no love at first sight to mess that up.
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Love at first sight? Hmmm… I don’t know. I’m not ready to past judgment to say its one way or another.
The only thing I disagreed with in this post Slim was the fact that you tried to google Love. *I’s dead* I don’t think the lack of cohesive verbal definition of love doesn’t mean there’s no universal definition of Love. It just takes a while to come up with the words. I have a universal definition.
Love is an abstraction of beauty. In order words, we must find something is beautiful in order for love to be even possible in any context. This does not mean that if someone looks beautiful, then love is based off their “beautiful” looks. NO. The existence of Love guarantees the existence of something that is seen/felt as beautiful. But not the other way around.
Does anyone dare to conjuncture or ask what is beauty? lol
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Anger Management Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
“Does anyone dare to conjuncture or ask what is beauty?”
I think that’s an even harder question
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MeteorMan Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Beauty is a manifestation of purpose and/or meaning.
“or” here is inclusive not exclusive.
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Hmmm I dunno. I, personally, don’t think “love at first sight” is nonsense. I don’t know that I wholly believe in it the way it’s presented in your typical Nora Roberts novel, but I certainly don’t cast it out as some extreme, fairy tale ideal.
It’s just one of those seemingly unattainable things to which most of us can’t relate—kind of like a mother’s intuition or the eery connection that a person has with his/her twin. None of it makes logical sense to us, but for some, it’s their reality. Shooot…ain’t nothing bout love logical, anyway. I really do believe that the same butterflies that fly around in your stomach for the person you love can be felt upon seeing someone for the first time…and it doesn’t have to just be a physical thing, neither.
Sure, there are mad elements to being in love; no one said anything about the fall, though. And some folk fall fast.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 4th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
I had to google Nora Roberts. She looks nothing like I expected.lol.
But yeah, I think those butterflies are different. Like there’s the high school “OMG, that’s the quarterback of the football team and he just talked to me” butterflies. Or the “Damn he’s so handsome and articulate, I wanna jump him” butterflies. I just can’t see that being love upfront. **OJshrug**
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Very insightful post and comments. I will add nothing, because grandma said if you can’t say nothing nice…
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