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Making Friends
Nope. Not the all white cast tv show.
Earlier this week I wrote a post for the Single Black Male website telling the story of an ambiguously gay encounter that I had with an African man. Actually, I wrote that post the same day that Sowhatiff posted here on the topic of Down Low Brothas. But before folks decide to interpret my intro to this post as a coming out party, I just want to let heads know that I am still completely heterosexual and I did not have any relations with a man of the same sex. I would tell the detailed story here, but a good portion of the readers overlap between the 2 websites. So I’ll just provide the shortened version:
A man started talking to me after I exited the subway. His questions were pretty sketchy. I got really uncomfortable. I wanted to punch him in the throat. I thought he was gay. Some people thought he was potentially just trying to make friends. I escaped.
There are many subtopics that could have been spun off of that post. One that came to mind for me was the issue of men making friends. There’s a thin line between making friends, networking, and giving the appearance of being of a sexual orientation that is not necessarily the case. I’ve mentioned previously that I don’t keep many friends. In the whole city of Boston where I reside, there are literally like 4 people that I would consider hanging out with and confiding in as “friends”. And when I say confiding, I’m referring to basic stuff. I don’t mean the deep stuff that one would discuss with a best friend for life or shrink.
So what happens if all of these people leave the city? I’d just be here by myself staying connected with people via email or other internet mediums. I’d be more of a loner than I already am at times. I’d be tasked with keeping myself (non-sexually) occupied OR making new friends. My first thought is that it would be easier to make friends with women simply because I’ve always had a good number of female pals. But at the same time, I’d either look like the ultimate greezeball or questionably parfait if I only sought to make intros and develop relationships with the opposite sex. So how does a manly man like myself make male friends?
I could go to athletic events, bars, professional wrestling events, or a variety of other places laced with testosterone. I’d probably have a great time drinking and chatting with dudes about manly things or the perils of women, but there comes a point where it can just get really awkward if there wasn’t a middle person that made the intro. After a night of hanging out, one must be careful about asking for the contact details of someone of the same sex. There’s a lot of ground for misinterpretation between men. And women…well, yall just don’t like each other. I can’t think of a better way to say it.lol. Sorry.
When folks are networking and it’s clear that there’s selfish utilization of others networking going on because they work in the same field or share a common interest, it’s a heck of a lot easier to make those connects. But when someone is looking to meet new potential friends to hang out with socially, the game changes a lil bit. So for today, on this Friendly Friday, I wanna know if people out there still actively look to make new friends or do they just hold tight and true to the ones they have now? Also, does anybody else find the process of making friends outside of work or school at least a little bit awkward?
Anti-Socially,
RSS & Twitter
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You guys should definitely do a post on befriending someone of the opposite sex (like a how-to guide) because quite often it is hard to distinguish between friendly conversation and someone trying to hit on you. And like you guys have stated in the true-to-life post about platonic friendships on VSB, people do not go out of their way to befriend people of the opposite sex if they find them utterly unattractive.
Doesn’t it suck when you genuinely find someone interesting and just want to be a good friend but he or she misinterprets your advances?
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Peyso Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 1:07 am
All of my female friends are women who I tried to hit and failed, unless they ugly.
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Brookland's OWn Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 8:29 am
“All of my female friends are women who I tried to hit and failed, unless they ugly.”
Haha. I think that’s about 90% of most guys female friends, or at least mine.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 8:43 am
I think you might be confusing me with Panama Jackson, another light-skinned blogger.lol. However, I’m more than happy to take your post into consideration for a future jawn. I generally don’t run into the issue of trying to be just friends with a chick and it gets twisted and she things I’m tryna body her down. I find the right blend. I think that’s def more of a chick thing than a dude thing.
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Friendly CHeeKZ Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Most of my female freinds are girls who man freinds bagged and didn’t wife. But they are really cool, smart, and good looking.
I don’t look for new male freinds. Everyone who every encountered my crew can testify, we have a good thing going and really don’t need to add in a wild card. We are actually had some problems and needed to dump some haters.
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This is a good question. I don’t know how dudes make new friends. I’ve been asking myself how do I make new friends. 2 of my close homegirls are pregnant and an associate I usually party with is knocked up too. i can’t hang with the boys and meet guys. how do I make new friends? Clearly i need friends that aren’t about to lactate
-Some suggestions i’ve heard- sporting events and bars, art galleries, craiglist, museums, twitter, join some type of dance, martial arts pottery kinda class
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olivya23 Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 10:41 am
“Some suggestions i’ve heard- sporting events and bars, art galleries, craiglist, museums, twitter, join some type of dance, martial arts pottery kinda class”
im just gonna go ahead and cross off craigslist for you. That’s not something you want to mess with. So i’ve heard via the news.
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Satya Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 11:41 am
lol I said these were suggested to me I didn’t say I would actually follow through with them
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I find it totally awkward. I have had the same group of real friends give or take 1 or 2 since jr high. AS an adult I see the need to widen my circle since 1 friend got married, the other moved across the country and I only have 1 friend remaining. I have a large family and me and my cousins and sisters are pretty close which does not help me in this matter. Surrounded by people that know me and excuse my idiosyncrasies and are of like mind has spoiled me. I just recently stopped looking at people that disagreed with me as complete idiots. There is this one lady at work thats pretty cool we are about the same age and we talk a lot at work but I dont know how to bridge the gap.. She invited me to join her book club, which I did but then I got kicked out for what I called telling the truth and they called bashing the “urban fiction” that they were reading…LOL so yeah…. I am of absolutely no help here..
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Satya Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 1:58 am
I didn’t know you could get kicked out of a book club lol
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shay_d_lady Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 6:30 pm
I didn’t know you could get kicked out of a book club lol
LOL me either.. until the “president” called me and told me that the members decided i wasnt a good fit
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 8:40 am
LOL @ gettin kicked out the book club! I almost spit out this energy drink.
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shay_d_lady Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
LOL @ gettin kicked out the book club! I almost spit out this energy drink.
Yeah I couldnt even be mad….LOL I am more mad I had to read “trife life to lavish” before getting kicked out.. ah well
two tears in a bucket
so f!ck it..
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N.I.A. naturally.... Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 8:57 am
LOL! sorry about getting kicked out of the bookclub, but if they were reading “urban fiction”, maybe that wasn’t the place for you.
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Just A Thought Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 7:05 pm
I concur. “Urban fiction” = minstrel show on paper.
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Facebook, myspace, twitter, etc… have totally skewed the whole making friends process. There was at ime where you always had to make new friends becasue keeping up with the old ones was hard. Now, it’s almost easier for me to keep up with friends from back home than the ones here… the ones at home just require a few wall posts or e-mails or maybe a text here and there; the ones here wanna SEE you… LOL.
Oh and then there’s how we skew and blur lines in all kinds of relationships, depending on what we need…
It’s a shame, because being able to make friends equates to being a well-rounded person, but as far advanced as we get with social networking, we’re stunting our own growth in the real world. Hell, look at how we date… via text messaging… which is a whole other issue.
I always feel like it’s easier for girls to befriend a guy than vice-versa… or am I just saying that because I’m a girl?
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my problem is I don’t know how to make friends with other black women, unless we have a mutual friend. i’m cool with several of the 2520 women I work with now and we have no problem hanging out with each other. but my black female co-workers weren’t as receptive when I started here. Monday, I start work in another office of the firm…maybe i can gain a black friend or 2 for the summer.
I’m losing a friend in August b/c she’s moving to DC. When she leaves, my total of black female friends in Raleigh will dwindle down to 1 and a possible, and that 1 will be a stretch, depending on how the cards are played….
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Just A Thought Reply:
June 1st, 2009 at 7:07 pm
I feel you. But sometimes, the less there are of you, the easier it is. I know when I was half of the total black female population at a job, we didn’t have time for the usual catty BS.
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interesting. most of my friends in the city where i currently reside are either my classmates or the bruhs. i have a hard time just going out and trying to make friends. so i don’t even bother. i have met a lot of cool people while hooping around the city too.
there aren’t any bruhs in boston slim? lol
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 9:40 am
As I commonly tell folks, all my friends can’t be frat brothers and all my frat brothers can’t be my friends. Just cuz we believe in a common goal and core values doesn’t mean we share the same interests in other aspects of life. Friendship is still essential though.lol.
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Tunde Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 11:33 am
yeah i definitely feel you on that one. most of my real friends that are bruhs are back home. there may be two or three real friends that i have here that are the bruhs.
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Peyso Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
I agree with you on this one. I realized that 50% of the bruhz i chill with, are ppl that i chilled with before i became da bruhz
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Seattle Washington Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
My dude, that’s universal across frats. Especially once you leave your respective chapter.
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I don’t like making new female friends, mostly because they think I’m weird. Every female grp I was with made fun of the music I listened to, how I dressed, and just my view of things. My life has been soooo much better without chicks, love my guy friends. I’m just unique, eccentric, whateve.
I told my dude about your post earlier this week and he was like that is so true. His homeboy said that the downlow/gays have questions that they ask and if you answer the questions a certain way (if you’re gay/downlow you obviously know the answers) they know you’re one of them. Maybe you answered one of the questions the African dude asked you correctly, lol… Sorry, I’m totally not laughing.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Your dude makes downlow dudes sound like they’re part of a fraternity with secret charges to determine who’s real. I wonder if they have a pledge process. I’m sure it involves eating pillow feathers.lol. Awful, I know. Sorry.
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My best friend moved accross the country and my other two favorites are mommies and don’t live in the same city, so I’m thinking I need to expand my circle as well.
Since something I like to do is volunteer I figure I could commit to a couple organizations and maybe I’ll start seeing some of the same faces and getting to know people that way?
I do feel for guys because I can see how it’s harder for y’all
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not something that I actively do…… I think friends just like with love come about when they are suppose to, not something you seek but rather it finds you, and the true variety of either is very rare….
I heard the DL thing involved eye contact, and asking dudes do they “kick it” with their homeboys or some crap like that SMH and yes it really almost is a secret society and more prevalent than most would care to think or know about.
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I have been to scared to tell anyone this story. But I think this might be the time to come out with it…
I was in club Velvet last Sunday Night in ATL. Very popping club, everyone is aware ATL girls are freindly and kind. Plus they stay in abundance. So I’m standing next to my cousin, looknig at the decorum (Ladies I love those dresses y’all be wearing nowadays that get real tight right under your butt). Someone walks by me and grabs my pocket and pulls it.
I’m from NYC, so I think this is a jack move. But my phone is on my other hip. My wallet is in my back pocket. Why would he….
So I turn around to see who it is. Its some bald extra blacken african in a tight brown shirt that is too small for him with flowers on it. And if he was trying to steal from me, why would he stop perfectly in an open spot where I could get a good look at him, lick his lips and pose….
I didn’t tell my cousin, or even my girlfriend. I was too embarrassed. People of ATL, was this guy trying to be my freind?!
CHeeKZ “I may need to change me name” Money
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Seattle Washington Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 11:36 am
No. No he was not. NYC friendships don’t start that way.
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Peyso Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
I agree. you gonna have to change yo name lol. i woulda punched money grip in his face
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I am not a people person, so I have a hard time making/keeping friends. Most of my friends I’ve known each other for a long time (5yrs+)…it doesn’t appear that i have a hard time making friends because I am usually attract the kind of friends who says thing like “you’re such a good listener”, “very easy to talk to” BUT thats because I can’t get a word in and these ppl like talking about themselves A LOT.
whoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!
That’s great and all but it becomes f-cking exhausting…
a handful of my friends live in other cities and I prefer it that way..when we get together it’s that much more memorable.
As far as making new friends…try http://www.meetup.com
Not a dating site! just a bunch of social groups that meet up once a month and they are categorized by topics & zip code. The meeting places are in public places like cafes or lounges so if you see the group and wanna dip you can
btw Every Friday is friendly Friday in my office..because in 8 hours I dont have to see anyone’s fugly face for 2 days
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Fam as much as you make fun of me hanging out with my work friends, this is the exact reason why I do. A majority of my college and childhood friends are back in NYC. I ain’t going back there every weekend to hang out with them, my bank account won’t let me.
Plus I feel slightly uncomfortable just picking up new friends. I’m an extroverted dude, but I don’t trust folks like that. Especially ones I meet on the random.
…There aren’t condoms for friendships.
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ASmith Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Seattle… can we get married??
“…There aren’t condoms for friendships.”
Ya damn skippy there ain’t. And as for hanging out with work friends — hell, you spend most of your day with ‘em. Why not? Least there’s that whole “we work together” thing to keep any super unnecessary crap from happening (well, in most cases. I hear alcohol will confuse you in large amounts)
Honestly, I go out with friends intending to meet new people and I do, but I don’t ever want to be their friend. I start to think of how long and how much effort it’s taken me to get to be good friends with the ones I have and I get the shakes.
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Hey y’all! Happy Friday!
I think it’s much easier for women to make new friends than it is for men. Women can meet and bond across numerous domains. Once you become a mom, you naturally meet and converse with other moms, whether at work, out shopping, whathaveyou. Moms love getting/giving advice and sharing stories about their kids, and we all have a strong desire to have some “safe” kids for our children to play with.
At work or at school comments like, “Girl, you always have the nicest handbags! Where do you shop?” or “You know, I really like that hairstyle, who does your hair?” can be the openers for at least work-place, let’s do lunch, friendships/acquaintances.
Women are natural communicators, complimenters, (and haters…lol)… We make friendships easily…as long as we don’t consider you a threat. That’s the tricky part of women/women latent friendships. Because we didn’t grow up together and/or didn’t go to school together and just met in our adulthood, we have to constantly “surveil” the threat levels of some of our newbies. It’s like that antivirus scan you do on your computer, you know? Once that heffa starts posing a threat (to your job, your sanity, your wardrobe, your relationship with your man, etc.) then we go ahead a cut our losses pretty quickly. (At least I do.)
I’ve had a couple of really solid friendships that have developed in my adulthood. I don’t go out looking for new friends, but I don’t close myself off to the possibilities, either.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
May 29th, 2009 at 11:49 am
See I’d venture to say that while dudes aren’t quick to make friends and don’t have as many friends as women, the friendships we do make are more sustaining. We don’t shed and gain new friends as often as the fairer sex.
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I’m trying to make friends, and it’s harder than a muvvasucka. Especially because women are suspicious and downright unfriendly. And somtimes, they don’t want to include you in their group because, if they’re single, then you’re competition, or if they’re married, they don’t want you around their husbands. It sucks, but I just keep on doing me.
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