See You Later Guys
Now, How Could You Leave This?
It’s a new era. I’ve hit that point in my life where my friends are beginning to settle down and start families. One afternoon in particular put it all in perspective for me. Within a few hours one of my boys sent me wedding pictures of him and his new wife (blessings to you both) and soon after that my other boy sent me a picture of his newborn daughter. In a few hours mind you. I felt like Kanye in “Welcome to Heartbreak”, all I could do was talk about the new kicks I got. My world was crumbling around me. In a fit of confusion I talked to my girl (who coincidentally thinks I’ll never get married) about it all and she quickly asked, “Why do you make it seem like your boys are dead?!”
I was stuck in shock for a brief second and I thought about it for awhile. I didn’t know why I subconsciously read a eulogy for every dude that got married. I discussed it with a few people and realized that it’s just something most guys (and some women) do. We make marriage into a horrible thing. Like we’re about to be dragged into a personal fiery hell by the lost souls of Satan and whoever is our fiancee. Or like the Grim Reaper himself is the one all dressed white stepping down the aisle, father in tow. We think that the groom isn’t smiling because he’s happy, but because you have to maintain some sort of gangsta when you’re staring down the barrel of a loaded gun. Y’know, something like that.
One of the people I discussed this with was my friend the G.O.D. He bluntly said to me, “When you get married, a piece of your soul dies.” At the time, a giant LMAO bubble appeared over my head and I was soon ROFL. Except I was doing it in real life. With people around. When I regained my composure, I realized that the comment is messed up and sort of an exaggeration, but I still understood where he was going. I think most single dudes give marriage a negative connotation because they think of all the things they will have to give up instead of the things they gain. I heard that the men that never get married are just too selfish (watch “This Christmas”). Which makes sense. But we’re not talking about that, we’re talking about why they’re so opposed to getting married.
Disappearing Acts Aren’t Cool If There’s No Sanaa Lathan
For those that have friends that have gotten married, you may look around one day and see that they disappeared. Hence why we make marriage equal into death. We know they’re not gone, but we know we just won’t really see them anymore. My fraternity brothers, friends and family members that are married have disappeared into the abyss only to reappear like Jesus every Easter (or Chapter reunion). Which I understand, a woman probably doesn’t want their newlywed hanging out with their reckless single friends who only think about getting ass and drinking. But dammit, I want to see my friend and go out and get drunk. Is that so wrong?
“I Don’t Want To Be A Regular Guy With A Wife & Kids”
Another reason why dudes are sometimes apprehensive about marriage is the belief that the dream is gone. When you have a wife (and ankle biters) you can’t suddenly decide you want to pursue your dream of owning a small island off the coast of South America and naming it Seattle’s Semen Mark. Or for those more serious in their conquests, you can’t uproot and go out to Europe, West Coast or even back to school to pursue your career. You have to make decisions for the family. Which may include letting go of that dream of having a monkey named Dr. Jingles who does your work for you. Which is all well and good, but some folks are a little intimidated by the lack of freedom.
Th-Th-Th-That’s All Folks!
Finally, we all know what it boils down to – the finality of it. My pops always told me to have a way out of anything you get into. Whether it was a club that looked a little shaky, a job, anything. Marriage is the antithesis of just that attitude. Or it’s supposed to be at least. Not to mention, many single dudes focus on the life they know being over instead of looking at the new start. I can’t front, I’m guilty of it too. I don’t know exactly what’s on the other side of the fence, but all in all it looks nice. And I can get a great view of it from right here.
There are plenty more reasons why guys, and some gals, are more than a little apprehensive about getting married. What didn’t I include? And ladies, do you talk about your married friends like they’re gone too or is it just us? Are we wrong about having such a negative attitude about marriage? Are there any married folks out there who’d like to contribute to the conversation? OK, I’m done with the Grand Inquisition, let’s get on with the show.
Seattle - Future Proud Owner of a Small Island – Washington
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Hmm… not very many of my friends are married, but those that are have been married FOREVER so I’m kinda used to it.
To me, it seems like men think of your friends as being dead where we think of ours as alive and in heaven.
Lastly I just wanna say… you’re right you can’t get out of marriage… especially one with me… I believe in what Jada said to Will..”There will be no divorce.”
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Does this mean Will (meaning the man) can have his fun on the side??
Jada = perfect wifey.
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olivya23 Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:20 am
I heard they were swingers. So yes, I believe they’re both having fun on the side.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:19 am
everyone heard something different when it comes to the Smith’s.
I heard only Will gets to play, but its Jada who picks out who he plays with.
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Jaci Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Entirely possible… it depends on how they’ve chosen to go about the “lifestyle”… it could be that’s what turns her on… in which case it’s kinda swinging but kinda not…
Either way… nerves of steel… trust me….
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Jaci Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:46 am
LOL… I don’t think that’s quite what it means.
She was saying that because he had been married before he knows what it is and what it takes to be married so there should never be a reason for divorce. They should have a good base to ALWAYS talk it out.
Where swinging is concerned ahh… to be in the “lifestyle” you have to have a very solid relationship for that. Swinging doesn’t mean that you each go out and do different things with different people… it means that you do it together… like in the same room so maybe they swing with Tom and Katie or something…You have to have nerves of steel to watch someone else screwing the person you love… *sigh* I’ve said too much already.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Ok…
Out with it. You clearly have a swinger story to tell. Let’s not play these games. Your post reads like that cat that ate the canary.
What happened?
You thought you would be turned on?
He violated a pre-stated rule?
You got heated while watching the other girl?
He went crazy when y’all got to the swinger club and acted like he didn’t know you?
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Jaci Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I didn’t eat the canary.. the canary ate me…
I actually enjoyed it. We went to a club in my city… and we met a nice couple in town for the weekend.
I found them because of the other girl… she was cute, white, thick, clear blue eyes and fun.
He looked kinda like Todd Palin…
A girlfriend of mine went too… she just kinda hung out.
Umm… and no he didn’t go crazy like he didn’t know me. He was a swinger before he met me… so I was taken care of, very comfortable and I had a good time.
BUT…as I said… our relationship was rock solid. I had a good understanding of whose shoes would be under my bed when I got home. That’s what made it totally fun, very worth it and incredibly safe.
Notwithstanding watching that other chick (who was having a giant orgy on a round bed) fall off and bump her head… that was the highlight of my night
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iloveketa Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
wowserz…i wasnt ready for all that jelly
i am so low on the freak totem poll
nice to know theres alot of shit left to try in this game of life and relationships
now i just gotta find a nikka i can stand to put a ring on it
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
**slow clap**
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There’s also the fact that marriage is such an economic gamble for a man. I dont believe someone is entitled to “half” if they didnt/dont account for half just b/c a relationship didnt work out. I dont believe in needing to maintain a comparable standard of living to when we were together. All of that sounds utterly ridiculous to me.
Also, it seems like some men are led around by the nose by their wives. Its almost as tho they’re either pussywhipped or being treated like children. Asking for permission and shit….fuck that.
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 8:35 am
It depends on the situation.
If she quit her job to marry him and raise their kids she deserves half. The end. Thanks for playing.
If she didn’t work for any reason other than “one day, she woke up and decided all by herself she wouldn’t work another day” she deserves half. The end. Thanks for playing.
I suggest any men who don’t want to give up half encourage their wife to keep her job or get a job and/or don’t get a divorce.
I won’t lie — some men get taken to the cleaners during a divorce, but hey… welcome to America.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 8:40 am
its 2009
what women quits her job?
This is why the world needs prenubs…
WE WANT PRE-NUBS!
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 8:42 am
And I support your pre-nubs (and pre-nups if you want those too)
It’s 2009 and women still quit their jobs. Promise.
But don’t worry Cheekz, I won’t quit my job.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:10 am
please excuse my poorly spelled rant.
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Smiley Face Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:29 am
what woman quits her job? this women well as of jan 2010 I will be….
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Peyso Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 9:57 am
“If she didn’t work for any reason other than “one day, she woke up and decided all by herself she wouldn’t work another day” she deserves half. The end. Thanks for playing.”
You buggin real hard on this one….
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Why do you say that?
If you and I get married and we decide I should quit work, for whatever reason, why do I have to take the L in the event of our demise?
Now if I decide to quit by myself and it has nothing to do with the greater good of our relationship, if we end the marraige, then that’s my L to roll and smoke all by myself.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:42 am
If the relationship ends, why do I give a(n) Eff if you have a job on not.
If you want to leave me, than you are leaving my money with me.
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iloveketa Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
LOL! at you two muthafuxxas-
Sounds like ya’ll got secrets!
Cheekz- u hit that?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Asmith is a respectable lady, she dont get down like that….
we just argue like i hit that.
lol
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MsKaos Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
“Also, it seems like some men are led around by the nose by their wives. Its almost as tho they’re either pussywhipped or being treated like children. Asking for permission and shit….fuck that.”
No one treats someone like that unless they ALLOW it!
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I have married friends with children and things do change, but they seem happy and I’m not one to focus on other people and what’s going on in their lives. I don’t see marriage so negatively. My friends seem to be happy and thankful to God that they found each other.
I do feel like to be married you have to be settled and comfortable in your life. Right now I have a lot that I would like to accomplish and a husband would slow me down. I’ve already been with someone who wanted to but the breaks on my success and wanted me to either not work or work a bs part time job bc he makes more than enough to support us. That was such a turn off, but that’s what it would have taken for us to be married and I was not willing to do that.
I know a lot of men are not really attracted to success driven women, but complain about women taking half or more than that in a divorce. The reason that happens is because men typically marry women who have not accomplished as much they have educationally or financially. So as far as I’m concerned, men can cry me a river with that one and get a prenup.
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I’ont know…I think there are some men that are afraid of the new, they know and are more comfortable about the old. There are no set game plays of marriage, no streams or button hooks to run so being responsible for making your own playbook can be daunting. Ask married people what marriage is and see how many different replies there are….
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:17 am
The other thing is that, our friends who are married tell us not to get married. How am I supposed to want to when the dude who’s already there is telling me not to?
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Just A Thought Reply:
November 18th, 2009 at 5:20 am
All of my women friends who got married tell me not to get married as well. Especially the one who put her BF on the clock so that she would be married by a certain age. And yet, all those chicks who are married would not trade places with my fabulous and single self.
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This one makes me laugh a bit. As someone who was married and has “lost” a few friends to marriage, I can relate. You have to plan to get together two months in advance, and even then, you can only stay out until 11p or so. You really lose your friends, but your relationship changes. All a part of growing up.
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Its my African-American friends I worry about…
Us Haitian-Americans have a better view on marriage. Haitian men are borned to be domestically lazy, bossy, and absentee in child rearing.
but seriously, the reason why people (men) are so unhappy in marriage it b/c their partner either changes or feels that the relationship should change more now b/c their is a title. If a chick ever uses the phrase “now that we are married” she should be kicked in her t!t!.
I’m hearing this “I changed” talk alot from chicks. Why is it a rule that I will love the person you change into? If you change into a fat, demanding, moody, lazy in bed, drinking slore why am I responsible for loving that when that wasn’t the same person I said ‘I do’ to. People change, but it has to be for the better. Not for the sake of changing.
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Celi-brate!!! Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Said it all!!
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Most of my folks my age are either very involved with multiple kids etc and or married..I am the last with no kids and not married yet..and sometimes I do feel like the last man standing…..but such is life honey people situations change and thats expected. but I don’t see them as dead. LOL or dread those changes….
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Here’s a thought…
I agree that married ppl (especially those with kids) tend to not hang with their single friends as much, but is it really bc his wife has put the kabosh on his fun??? Or is it really bc HE doesn’t want to hang with those single men anymore and listen to you single drama/stories of who you’re hitting, etc anymore as his life has evolved beyond that. Most of us hang with ppl we have commonalities with for obvious reasons so why would that dynamic be any different here.
If men and women cant see what they will gain and welcome the changes to their life once they
say “I do” then the single life is where they should stay. Having all these negative attitudes is prob
what leads so many to divorce court.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:34 am
If you drive and think about not hitting something, you’ll hit it. Same thing applies to other things in life. I see where you’re coming from. I guess the point of view that I was humorous trying to display is that there are a lot of negative connotations around marriage and a lot of folks don’t get to see the positives. I know a couple dudes who were told by their married friends to hold out, to not do it and stay away. Lol. I know a couple folks who are happily married, but unfortunately they’re overshadowed by those who are unhappy.
It’s just tough to want to dive in the deep end when you see so many folks flailing.
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MsKaos Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Great post, btw.
My guess is that anyone telling you not to get married is not in a happy relationship. Of course, you’d think why would anyone sign up for that??
My mom used to tell me to hold out as long as possible before I got married. She got married at 19; thus, she felt like she gave up finding who she was before she became a wife and mother. I got married in my early 30s, so I didnt feel that way at all.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:55 am
To be honest. That doesn’t sound like a man.
We don’t change friends b/c our life is different. We appreciate loyalty.
Even if we are in different places, we would share out stories with each other. Not cut one off.
Any potential wifey suggesting that we change friends would be an instant warning sign that this chick isn’t the one.
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MsKaos Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
CHeeKZ,
I agree wholeheartedly typically men need a damn good reason to cut someone off 100%, so I cant see a SO exerting that much power over his friendships in that regard. Maybe I’m only speaking from my experience with my husband. I know that his friends were a package deal–luckily they are all great guys!
But I do think that if you’re the first guy of your group to jump the broom and your boys are still out chasing you are going to hang with them LESS–at least not doing the some of the same things you used to have in common (e.g. nights out at the club change to just drinks after work). If one isnt interested in that, the relationship could dissolve to not seeing each other as frequently although you still are close friends. I’ve seen this happen with my single female friends when I jumped the broom.
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Not gonna lie, I have mistakenly said I was going to my homeboy’s funeral when I was actually planning to attend his wedding. It just came out naturally. Then I thought “Oh, well, same difference,” and kept it moving.
I think it just depends on the person. There are some people that have always been the settle-down type, and that every time they’re in a relationship, they’re MIA; for those people, its not such a surprise or bummer when they decide to tie the knot. But for my friends that were always the life of the party, never thought they’d settle down, swore they’d be the last man standing – when they get married, yeah, tis a sad day.
I think whether guys want to admit it or not, its sad for men sometimes for the same reason its sad for women. Cuz the whole time I’m thinking… Dang, I haven’t even met someone I’d WANT to marry ever, and here this dude/chick is walking down the aisle. I feel like I’ll never be that happy with someone, or I feel like I’ll never have that. For women its worse because we hear that clock a’tickin. But I think – in face I know – guys get that feeling, too. After all, what good is singledom with nobody to chill with?
I mean, at the end of the day, we all hope to find someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with; the problem is, most of us don’t think that person actually exists. =/
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i think its normal for a man to be apprehensive about marriage. personally i look forward to the day i get married but that doesn’t mean i’m not apprehensive. my reasons might be different from others.
i would assume that my future wife would know that i like to hang out with my boys and drink. she should trust me enough to know thats all i’m going to do and let me be a guy (as long as its not excessive).
as far as the regular guy with a wife and kids, i don’t get why you can’t pursue those same dreams and build on those things with your wife.
now my one fear about marriage is worrying that i’ll marry the wrong person. i know a good amount of people who have gotten separated or divorced this year alone and in talking to them they told me that they either got married to early or ignored all the signs and married the wrong person. this is my fear. which is exactly why i would never rush into marriage. i need to be close enough to 100% sure that the woman i’m marrying is the woman i want to spend the rest of my life with.
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Highfive Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Great comment!!!
If you have dreams, keep pursuing them…hopefully you married your number one fan, a person that will support you and help you achieve your goals and dreams.
Marriage is a beautiful beautiful thing, especially when you are married to the right one. I applaud men/women whose apprehension towards marriage is due to making sure they marry the right woman/man and not some junk about their “freedom”.
Good post Seattle!!
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As for the disappearing act, Seattle and men of this blog, if you are single, you shouldn’t expect to continue hanging with your married friends. Because they don’t want to hang out with you. The truth is, once men and women get married, the need to continue hanging out with a bunch of single, dating,
whoringpeople is not the bizness. Like said above, people hang out with other folks with who they sahre commonalities. It’s why married women w/children will befriend other married women w/children or married women who want children. It only makes sense.As a married man/woman, why would you want to be around people who think the adult decision you made to be with one woman/man and build a life means you’re dead? I suspect married people intentionally avoid some of their single friends b/c they know you do’s support their marriage. And no one wants to be around people who don’t support them.
I have married friends, and I love them. And I recognize they are no longer available for the weekly happy hour. Instead, we do a monthly spa day. It’s a nice time for the single, the boo’d up, and the married ladies to chill and have a good time. And fortunately for me, I have guy friends who are happily married and actually enjoy marriage(shocking, I know), and I have male friends who want to be married, and are dating with marriage in mind.
I’m not ready for marriage, yet, b/c I have personal and more professional goals i want to accomplish. But I want to eventually be maried. Who really wants to be the couger (or the sketchy old dude) in the club? I don’t!!
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:15 am
i’m starting to see why marriages don’t work in this country. I’m all for getting married. But I will change my friends FOR NO ONE.
What does it matter where my friends are in their life? How does that effect our relationship?
Since the begininng of dating women have had a problem with male friends. I think you guys are just jealous of the positive bonds we are able to form outside of our relationship while you have to deal with catty females who give you the side eye and talk behind you back.
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N.I.A. loves the kids... and plans to stay home to take care of them. Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:36 am
lol. I have to disagree with your last paragraph. I have great friends, women I’ve known since HS, and some since undergrad. I think the difference is men have low standards, and will remain friends with men who are less than quality men b/c he had your back that one time in the 3rd grade.
but to the marriage point, I don’t expect for any man to change his friends, but I do expect you to be mature enough to recognize marriage puts an end to the every weekend
stripclub slore fest. If you want to be a married man who still act as if he is single, then don’t get married.Reply
OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
I co-sign this here to the fullest!!!!
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I don’t think it’s all that fair to be so general.
If your wife wants you to have no friends, that’s a problem.
But it’s reasonable to think you’d be spending less time with your friends — you just told someone you want to build a new life with them (via your marriage vows) — there’s gotta be some give and take.
Quite frankly, I’m not giving up my friends for a marriage, but I do realize that I can’t be flying to meet them just to kick it on a random weekend like I do now, once I am married just like I will expect my husband to know spending every weekend in the club with his boys isn’t cool.
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Cheekie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
“Since the begininng of dating women have had a problem with male friends. I think you guys are just jealous of the positive bonds we are able to form outside of our relationship while you have to deal with catty females who give you the side eye and talk behind you back.”
CHeeKZ, booski, stop reading fables. Not all sisterly bonds are like that. And if it is, it’s not that much of a bond to begin with.
Also, N.I.A. – Cosign!!!
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Reecie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
ditto on all of this. I love my married girls (and guys) the same and I adapt to their new lifestyles. But I don’t take it personal that they can’t up and go like they used to, our outings just require a bit more planning. I don’t really expect them to want to club unless its a special occasion–bday or bachlorette parties, homecoming, etc.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
bachlorette parties are a whole nothing discussion.
No respectable woman would ever attend such a slore fest. Random buff dudes getting payed to suck on breast and rub their paynus’ in smiling faces.
DAMN YOU FLAVA!!!!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Thanks Cheekz, seems like the dudes are playing the wall on this one.
I see what you’re saying N.I.A., but cot dammit I just want to hang out with my friend! Lol. I understand, but hey that’s why a lot of dudes make it seem like their married friends are gone. As such, ladies shouldn’t give us the side eye when we do.
It’s cool. I don’t really hang out with undergrads like I used to because I work now. I understand the concept of it all. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it!
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Highfive Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Great great comment!!
I am supportive of my male and female married friends and I would be a bit worried if they wanted to hang out with me all the time. Single friends really need to step up to the plate for our married friends (especially your close friends). Help babysit for the ones with kids, let them have a night out every once in a while. I do this for my good friend who is married with kids. Its something I grew up seeing. Friends/relatives did their part and helped marriages succeed (without poking their noses into the married couples business on the regular)
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I’m all about support, but my name ain’t Wonderbra. I’ll throw in $5 like back in the day. Except instead of going in on putting something in the air, throw that in the babysitter fund. We ridin out.
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Highfive Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
“I’m all about support, but my name ain’t Wonderbra.” *LMBO* This is what I saw when I was growing up but support in cash is just as good.
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you know its funny men are more apprehensive yet reap ALL the benefits from marriage, healthwise, quilaity of life etc greatly improve, where as for women not so much, go figure LMAO
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 11:53 am
really though? No…
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
yesssss LOL do a lil googling/research and you’ll see this is VERY factual!!!!
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
“googling” does not equal “research” even though you are indeed searching then re-searching. lol
I think there are some health benefits but I don’t think it’s one sided. There are some shared negative effects as well.
IF the physical health benefits that guys get are one-sided, then women get ALL the mental health benefits. Always worrying about some kind of internal oven timer, look at all that piece of mind you all receive. lol
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
LOL I’m telling you there is no proven health benefit for women in marriage..none, all the data shows men’s QOL greatly improved…….I’m not saying there is no benefit at all to women, love partnership friendship etc are good for the soul, just no proven health benefits…..
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
But that doesn’t mean that a guy getting married will improve his QOL. All it says is that in terms of physical health on average, guys have lower QOL before marriage. Remember, the entire country is unhealthy.
On the flip side, the QOL of women may decrease on average given you all start the slack off once you’re in a secure relationship, need it be keep-up or physical health.
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I dunno that you have to give your hopes and dreams to the extent you describe. Dreams get deferred, true, but plenty of married folks adjust their schedules, go back to school, start businesses, move to different countries and stuff like that. Most of these people might be white, but it still happens. If the dream is worth pursuing and you want it badly enough, you will make the necessary adjustments…and a spouse should support that.
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Reecie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
“Most of these people might be white, but it still happens.”
LOL. it can happen for us too, we just make a lot of excuses to not get married in the FIRST place, IMO.
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“Finally, we all know what it boils down to – the finality of it.”
Although, it’s not easy, I think it’s better to think of it as ,a beginning, instead.
As for marriage, I’m not at the point where I am seriously thinking about it, so I can’t say whether I am truly afraid of it. I mean, I don’t think those nervous jitters truly arrive until it’s not just a possibility, but an actual upcoming event.
As for kids? Negative. *Sophia-voice* I said, hellllll naw*.
*I know, I know, that could change. But so do diapers. Which, I hate.
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I’m single… I have single friends. I have married friends. I think that the dynamics of a friendship changes once a child is involved (marriage or not).
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
yes but that change doesn’t mean something negative..just diff… but if you are true friends honey true friends you will remain even if you don’t see one another as often etc
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I agree. The author of the article, said that the change is negative. I’m saying the dynamics will just be different. In my eyes, if someone sees a friendship dynamic due to marriage or children as ‘negative’ then I say that the same person would say the same thing about someone graduating from
thecollegeexperience. No more dedicating an entire weekday for drinking hard liquor and parties all weekend, etc…Reply
Reecie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
true, I meant to add children to my quote to NIA. almost all of my married friends have children so the adapting really has more to do with the kids than them being actually married now that I think about it.
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I just hope the homies never forget the kid…
Seattle I cosign this post and all you said.
Chuuch
NTA
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re: losing a friend
it’s funny. my closest LS just got married and is expecting. i know that things won’t be the same. was it a sad day for me? a little. no one else acted the damn fool with me(or stomached my belligerence) like she did. but it’s the natural progression of things i guess. our friendship will evolve.
re: guys’ apprehension
(and i know imma get the side eye for this), i would argue that it’s justified, and that women’s tendency to romanticize/fantasize about marriage is less so (and yes, i do want to get married).
marriage is effin’ hard work, and i would go out on a limb to say that very few people take the time to think about if they are truly READY for what it takes to make it successful (men and women included) post-ceremony and honeymoon period. are you really ready to put in work? like, are you really ready to rush home to make a home cooked meal for your hubby even if you’re not in the mood (repeat that x3-5/wk for XX yrs)? 10 years down the road, are you still willing to give your wife the a-game “D” even tho you just clocked a 12-hour day? (these are simple examples, but you get my point).
not to mention the divorce rate in this country…personally, that shyt is scary son (dave chappelle voice)!
i know quite a few married folks, and in all honesty, i don’t think i can point to one and say “i want my marriage to be like THAT.” i was out w/ my girl the other day talking about love and shit (that emo shit just comes out sometimes, lol) and watched her boo-hoo as she told me she knew she missed out on marrying her soulmate and she made the wrong choice. she’s been married over 10yrs, and she still thinks about it. often. i’m not tryna live with that kind of regret. i’d say most men aren’t trying to either.
that being said, some dudes be on some next shit…and often get into relationships for wrong reasons. you know you want a home cooked meal every day, but you still go ahead and marry someone who’s allergic to the kitchen. yeaaahhhh, she’s got a fatty, but you gotta EAT. so now you’re bitter (and hungry), and walking around cursing marriage, scaring the shit outta your single boys. smh. no dude, that’s YOUR bad.
there’s a lot of truth to that 80-20 rule, lol.
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Highfive Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
“(and i know imma get the side eye for this), i would argue that it’s justified, and that women’s tendency to romanticize/fantasize about marriage is less so (and yes, i do want to get married)”.
Truth!! It is justified in some cases.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
” watched her boo-hoo as she told me she knew she missed out on marrying her soulmate and she made the wrong choice. she’s been married over 10yrs, and she still thinks about it. often. ”
THAT IS DEEP! and scary.
” yeaaahhhh, she’s got a fatty, but you gotta EAT. ”
………………. o_0
Cheekie can you cook?!
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Cheekie Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
“Cheekie can you cook?!”
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: *Kanyeshrug*, but I’m not as good as my older sis and auntie because they set standards too dayum high. Um, yes.
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Glad you noted women… For some reason most of the guys I know are excited to find their women and get married. I have no clue why. I want a wedding but I don’t think my life view allows me to have a marriage. I’m used to picking up and going when I want to and my career plans are the same way. I need to be able to move between countries when I want and not have to worry about messing with anybody’s life. And to be honest right now I’m career over family.
Miss Jenkin’s where’s the lady post of why WE don’t always want to get married?
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I totally agree with you. I want a wedding super bad! Open Bar, beautiful dress, a tiara! Just sounds great but the husband, house & kids….not so much!
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It kinda grinds my gear when people say “I won’t give up my friends for my marriage.” Uh…so will you give up your friends for your kids? Like, what do you really mean by that? To which extremes, exactly, must your friends go before you decide they’re not worth keeping around?
I think when people say that “married men” have to give some things up, sometimes this includes friends/boys/homies that hold you back from fulfilling your vows to your wife and family. If your boys make fun of you because your wife expects you home for dinner most nights, and you can take the jokes and still make it home in time, then so be it. But if the jokes are clearly getting to you and your boys don’t know you well enough to tell, and they keep on at it…I’d think you’d eventually get pissed. Men should never have to give up their single friends after they marry. However, this doesn’t give single friends the to right to lose their damn mind and give Al Bundy such a hard time every other night. Some friends need to be warned; others need to be cut off. I trust a married man should be able to tell the difference and act accordingly.
Personally, I am THRILLED about marriage. I look forward to it, with a smile. Some personalities work great when it comes to marriage, and some don’t. I like to cook. I like kids. I like chilling at home. I like the thought of getting the bunz whenever I want it. I like clipping coupons and polishing wood. I like the thought of driving home and knowing someone will be there waiting for me – not my mom or my dad, not a roommate, not a rodent (cuz MrPockets will surely not allow that, I hope). I like the thought of staying in shape and having someone other than me actually appreciate it. Don’t get me wrong…I love going out, doing whatever I want when I want to do it, and not having any “married folk” responsibilities. But in my eyes, the latter lifestyle seems more like leasing a car…what do you really have to show for it in the end?
::shrug::
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
When I say I’m not giving up my friends for marriage, I mean I’m not going to marry a man who expects me to cease and desist contact with all my friends.
I’m very aware that changes will be necessary and compromises will have to be made; however any man who wants to marry me will understand that I value my relationships with my close friends.
Said relationships would not trump my marriage, but they shouldn’t have to disappear, either. I trust that my good friends will understand that how we “enjoy” our relationship may have to change because of my marriage and that if they force me to choose, they won’t like my choice.
And what did you mean by this question: To which extremes, exactly, must your friends go before you decide they’re not worth keeping around?
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MaPockets Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I guess I’ve seen some people say “take me as I am. Me, my family, and my friends.” I’ve heard this said BEFORE a marriage. I think that’s fair. But imposing this rule AFTER a marriage, I think, may violate the rule of compromise, depending on the situation.
If you consistently spend more time at your mama’s house than you do at home and your mama stays calling your wife “that girl,” then that presents a problem. If your boys consistently insult your wife just b/c they’re jealous that she gets more of your time, that also presents a problem. If your friends can’t understand that your daughter’s first recital is taking place the same night of the fight, then that also may be a problem.
See what I’m sayin?
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
I do see what you’re saying and that’s what I’m referencing when I say my good friends should understand changes will be in order and not to get out of line. If they don’t, it’ll become apparent pretty quickly.
And you’re absolutely right — these things should be discussed up front. We shouldn’t assume that because we may be more than ready to give up our friends so will our future husband or wife, just like no one should assume that things will remain the exact same, right down to how often you see them, between you and your friends post marriage.
Trying to navigate having a male BFF has taught me that early on anybody I date seriously and I have to have an honest conversation about it and that if it’s a relationship I want to work, I need to be prepared and ready to compromise, however asking me to end my friendship with him is out of the question and that’s a deal breaker for me. At the same time, my BFF knows it’s not easy (it’s not easy for him on the flip side, either) so he doesn’t cross the line as far as his expectations…
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Highfive Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
“I think when people say that “married men” have to give some things up, sometimes this includes friends/boys/homies that hold you back from fulfilling your vows to your wife and family….” So true!!
Your real friends will stick around when you get married and your friendships will grow to accommodate your new life just like it did when you all had other life changing things happen to you. They will support you in their own way and help you stay on the straight and narrow. The ones you don’t need to be around are the ones that won’t grow the heck up. They complain (read:hate) about the fact that you don’t hang out as much as you used to. What in the name of divorce hell is wrong with some people?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
NO!
This is why men don’t want to get married. You are dictating to a man what you expect him to do. And he doesn’t want to do them.
If a guy wants to be home with his wife for dinner everynight than he would be. He shouldn’t be forced to be. Why did you never consider the fact that HE WANTS TO BE WITH HIS BOYS ONE NIGHT A WEEK!
You assume that his boys are giving him a hard time b/c we are jealous. That could be true of ONE boy, but if the group is making fun of you, considering how rationale men think, they most likely have a point. They see how unhappy you are being forced to leave a good time. There is a difference between being whipped and spending quality time. Women don’t see the difference, they just have an idea of what men should be doing and even if he is unhappy doing them you make him.
Why are you putting him in a position to be teased?
You gave the perfect example AL BUNDY. Al wasn’t happy. He should have left his ungrateful family years ago…. I feel so sorry for my fellow men who let their wives run their lives. We need to stop blaming the friends for women making men unhappy.
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ASmith Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I think you put too much of the blame on a woman.
If a man can’t handle the two sides — his friends and his wife, that’s his problem. He ought be grown up enough to tell his wife he wants to spend time with his boys and to tell his boys he prioritizes his marriage and wants to spend more time with her than he does with them, if that’s the case.
Are there women who guilt their men into being at home when he’d rather be out with his boys? Sure, but you know that’s indicative of other issues. Like why does he want to spend so much time out with his boys? And why does she have to guilt him into anything?
I do agree with the sentiment, though, that if he isn’t ready to chill out and focus more on his “new” life then maybe he doesn’t need to be married.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
“Like why does he want to spend so much time out with his boys? And why does she have to guilt him into anything?”
Women overreact when it comes to this topic. If a guy decides to play ball a little late a couple days out the week, I think there are tons of women that would ask: “Why do you want to spend so much time with your friends? What do they have that I don’t?” And it’s not because dude is neglecting you, it’s b/c she wants the security that he’s within arm’s reach. Honestly, I wouldn’t take this… A guy becoming a husband doesn’t mean he should become less of an individual. Given there are shared responsibilities, as long as the business is taken care of, then why would a woman really care?!?!?! Women have in their mind this strange construction of ‘Married life’ and forget that some of the pictured duties aren’t really realistic in the everyday. Who ever said that being married meant that one can’t have their own social life? The same women get ‘bored’ due to some ridiculous restrictions they’ve placed on themselves and their relationships and end up stepping out looking for thrills. C’mon… get real…
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Anonymous Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
There was no dictation here. You way read too much into that. If a guy wants to be at home, his wife won’t have to force him to be there (correct). If a guy would rather be with his wife than his boys, his boys shouldn’t force him to be anywhere else through taunting, jokes, guilt trips, etc. (also correct). The simple fact is: a man who willingly chooses to get married has already, indeed, made his decision on what he wants. There is NO force in that, yet you see a wife who expects her husband to be home for dinner as a expectation forced to be met?
If dinner is at a certain time every night (and I would assume both husband and wife have come to this agreement beforehand…that the choice was not imposed on either party), then it is expected that both be there and on time. We have to be at work at a certain time. We have doctor’s appointments at certain times. And due dates at work. If dinner is at 7, it’s at 7. Yes, things happen and people run late or get stuck in meetings or traffic…and women understand. But the expectation is: dinner is at or around 7 because two people agreed to it. That’s it. Why is a husband who is expected to be home for dinner allowed any more flexibility than a woman who is expected to have dinner ready before 7?
Note: I said “most nights of the week.” I didn’t say every night and I didn’t even initially mention being on time. Sounds like you took one simple thing and turned it into a big deal. I thought women were the only ones that did that??
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MaPockets Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
My bad on being anonymous…
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I would think that the flexibility would be spread evenly amongst all parties involved. I mean, if guy trips out cuz dinner is ready at 7:30 instead of 7, then there are some other issues. Both parties involved are adults that had lives and histories before the marriage. If one person wants to go respectfully “hang out” with friends, as long as the business is taken care of, then who cares? I don’t think being married means that each person should be all up under the other 24/7. To me a marriage is much more than that.
To put it all into perspective, if there was a MeteorWoman and she called me at work (or a I got a note with I got home) on a night that she usually cooks dinner and was like: “Hey, I’m going to the movies with friends. Grab you something.” My automatic answer would be “ok cool.” I’m a grown ass man. I can feed myself. And if she wants to go hang, then fine. This is a marriage, not prison.
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CHeeKZ has had it up to here... Reply:
November 11th, 2009 at 3:27 am
O Lord.
You guys make marriage sound like prison.
If at one point we agreed on 7.. can’t I change it?
It the way you turn dinner into a chore. It makes me resent it and not cherish it.
What I am trying to say Ma is, there may be a point, two years into the marriage, before we have kids, where I may say “Eff dinnertime.” I don’t want to do this anymore, its been two years, it feels like a chore. Chicken again! I’m going to get some DUCK!” Do you have the flexibility to put up with change? Or are you going to throw a hissy fit and keep using some worn out agreement? I still love you.. but I’m sick of your food.
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I’m not sure what everybody is having to give up. Neither I or damn near anyone in my circle – male, female, married, single – have been trying to hang at the club every weekend since the Clinton administration (only a slight exaggeration).
I partied hard through school and as a young adult, but now I’ve got degrees, direct reports and a mortgage and the last thing on my mind at the end of the week is getting it in at the club. My two best friends are a SAHM and a single corporate dynamo and we all like to do the same things when we go out. I’ve known the SAHM since before she knew her husband and if anything we’ve only grown closer since she became a wife and mother. People change, friendships evolve.
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MsKaos Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Well said! Cosign.
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I’ve been reading you guys for ages, without commenting, then I read the title of today’s topic and thought oh no, not another of my favourite bloggers is leaving blogland. Then a big sigh of relief as I read on and realized it was about marriage…and all I can say now is…. reading is fundamental…that’s all. Carry on back to my invisible mode
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 10th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
Zaann, on the real that made my day. For that comment, you can keep lurking. For today at least. Lol.
Thanks for swinging by and deciding to share those thoughts. I hope you get out of invisible mode again soon.
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i am saidou artists by proffesion.i am seriously loocking for my life partner.from oll over the world.
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