55 Responses to “Me, You, Him and Her”

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  1. I have, and its called keeping them in rotation..hmm but then again anyone of them didn’t really have a title. Nah i don’t think i could do it. Even with this part Lexington

    “I could have my other lust interest come over while my girl is there and then have her make us both turkey sammiches when we are done! This could open the doors to a whole new world…swingers parties, Hedonism cruises, Bunny ranch trips…the possibilities are endless!!”

    made me think could i??? haha

    Reply

    Intellectual Hedonist Reply:

    “keeping them in rotation”, LOL!!!

    yeah this little adventure made me realize I am a one woman man. It’s just too damn much work

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    ainz Reply:

    yea it is…

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  2. Jac

    I think I would consider it but it would never really like it. I would try but I just really wouldn’t be able to handle the thought of my man being inside some of the chick.

    Multi-tasking on my behalf is a different story :)

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  3. First off, you have been watching too much late night HBO with the bunny ranch and Hedonism Cruises.

    I think men across the board usually dont like it, we are territorial and don’t want no other dude playing in our sand box. So eventhough you have free range, she still going to be up in ur business and then some other dude gonna come over and take of business wit her and your going to be heated

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    Slim Jackson Reply:

    Agreed. I’m ultra/uber/extremely territorial when it comes to this double. Nobody will be dipping into shorty. If it’s an open relationship, then it’s not really a relationship. I’m not tryna come home to find out some other man came at my home (pause?), and when I kiss shorty I’m subjected to sloppy seconds.

    I also fear that I may have some of the same genes as OJ Simpson when it comes to this stuff.

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    Seattle Washington Reply:

    Yeah. Don’t dabble in that.

    Because I’m not trying to be Al Cowlings driving you down the highway in a White Bronco or, more likely, some Japanese sedan.

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    ainz Reply:

    Lmao.. at the OJ genes comment..

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    L Reply:

    Great pause!

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  4. Seattle Washington

    First off – congrats on the 1st post on Three Ways Lex. Popped that cherry like a pro.

    Now onto the matter at hand…

    I’ve never known open relationships to end well. Beyond the fact that men are quite territorial, we’re always looking for the catch. In the back of a man’s mind an alarm goes off and his brain says, “So you mean, I can see this young lady and you’re not going to get mad? Riiiiiiight.” What his other head says is a different story. Moving on.

    Now, I’ve heard of this theory from plenty of friends. One way or another my platonic women friends end up getting heated because T-Boz & Chili decided to Creep and show “her man” the Red Light Special. Now she feels like she needs to burn his house down like Left Eye (R.I.P.).

    … Man, this feels weird. Is this what it’s like to be on this side of things (pause)?

    Reply

    Danja Reply:

    You say you’ve never known them to end well, but how many have you known? Most of these relationships tend to be among older people. People in their late 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Young people can’t always handle the responsibility and aren’t quite mature enough to process it.

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    Seattle Washington Reply:

    Welcome to Three Ways Danja. Take your jacket off, stay for awhile.

    What you pointed out is quite true. Most of the folks I know that have tried their hand at open relationships are in their mid to late 20s. I wonder what will change as we all get older.

    Matter of fact, did you feel the need for an open relationship when you were in your 20s or 30s or did it arise as you matured?

    Reply

    Danja Reply:

    I’m actually 29 :)
    But I’m not the “Average” I guess…

    I don’t need an open relationship. I enjoy having one. There is a difference ;)

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  5. Vanessa aka Miss V

    My simple response to this: ummmm NO! I don’t like to share.

    I found it interesting that as much as you shared how much pump action you’d perform in an open relationship, you failed to mention that your girl would be doing the same. how about if one of her dudes gave her the business then came downstairs to make you and her a “sammich”??

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    RightCoastLexSteele, Di Don Gargan Reply:

    Well first off, after I thought about it, I decided I still wasnt up for it. But theoretically speaking if this were to happen, if he washes his hands, I might be interested in a sammich…I mean…he’s already given my girl the business, why be shameful now?

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  6. Wait, can we define “open relationship?”

    Are we talking about two committed people who allow their partner to have sex with others?

    Or are we talking about two committed people who are open to their partner having a relationship (sex, dating, loving, etc) with another person?

    Orrrrr, are we talking about three people who are in a relationship with one another (typically a man and two women who are all boyfriend and girlfriends or married and wifey)?

    I know folks who fit all of these categories.

    As open as I am, I just can’t see sharing my man as far as categories two and three. However, I won’t rule out category one. Although it would take lots of honesty, communication, trust and commitment.

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    Slim Jackson Reply:

    So you’d be willing to let your man come home with a soft depleted piece and then re-charge and sling thang to you?

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    ToySoldier Reply:

    There’d be rules to the game. IF I allowed it, and that’s a big IF, I’d be there. In other words, I’d consider a threesome.

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    Slim Jackson Reply:

    I’m flailing my arms at my desk lookin crazy. Little guy with the big shoes needs to jump all over that!

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    ToySoldier Reply:

    Forever is a long time. While I’d prefer we’d remain monogamous, truth is one of us might want something different than wigs, wardrobe changes & scenarios can give.

    So yeah, I’m open to opening up our sexual life to preserve some other things.

    That’s my humble. It ain’t for everybody. But I can sooner accept this than infidelity.

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    ife1love Reply:

    Slim I think the flaw in that is the expectation that she’d be at home waiting. She might be walking in just when he is, be she off with some guy she found interesting or out having dinner w/ the girls.

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    Slim Jackson Reply:

    Good Point. I correct my assumption. But my statement remains from earlier, I don’t want no sloppy seconds!

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  7. Nyela Goodness

    Uhmm not at all: no way, no how. This is unacceptable. The idea of an open relationship is a cowardly way of saying you’re not ready for commitment, or worse, growing the hell up. Don’t you dare come at me sideways (pause) with that nonsense. An open relationship is not reality—it’s not a real relationship; you may as well just call it dating.

    I’m already fearful of the infamous slide-off. So, no, I won’t condone nor support it happening, while pretending I’m okay with it. Additionally, in a world full of STDs, no thanks. ::insert Southern accent:: You out yo damn mind if you think you can play in other sand boxes, then come back here, put on the lambskin and get down with me.

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    Danja Reply:

    Well if people fear STDS like that, they shouldnt be having sex at all. I wonder why people bring up STDS when it comes to open relationships, but when it comes to regular one-on-one ugly-bumping, people aren’t as scared? Whether you’re relationship is open or your partner is cheating (and you think he/she is being faithful), the risk is still the same, right?

    Actually it isnt. People who live in these relationships are far more safe in their practices than others.

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    ife1love Reply:

    Personally it’s a thought that always crosses my mind. I have two close family members who are HIV-positive. One through just being loose, the other had unprotected sex one time and it changed her life forever.

    Based on that (and the super scary slide show they horrified us with in my HS health class ::shudder::) I’m very picky about who I sleep with and I pay attention to their safe sex practices. There’s always an STD risk whether you’re in a relationship or not but the more people you throw in the mix the more likely you are to catch something, so I do think it’s a valid concern.

    If we’re gonna have an open relationship and be adult about putting all the concerns and issues out there and making some rules, I think safe sex shouldn’t be taken for granted and should be a part of the discussion.

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    Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:

    i totally agree! im not about sharing sauce and STDs…

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    Danja Reply:

    With folks like us, safer sex is usually priority #1. We tend to get tested more regularly and are more likely to use various types of protection. :)

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  8. Black & Trapped in Toronto

    First off, we need Gabrielle union’s input on this topic…I’m sure she could educate us on this one!!
    I can’t judge anyone who is in an open relationship if you are in one, and have found some sense of balance- toast to you and YOURS. However I get terribly offended if my bf glances at another chick, so I don’t think I could handle the whole open relationship concept. On the other hand I am not in opposition to experimenting with threesomes, group sex etc with my significant other, but would I be able to carry on a healthy loving relationship with you afterwards? Not so sure….
    I think Chris Rock said it best- women can not go backwards in lifestyle, men can not go backwards sexually.
    Once a relationship becomes an open one, can you still maintain a level of intimacy with that person? I don’t want to find out!!

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  9. My biggest issue is the health factor… if you wanna start bringing home strays you better make sure the bitch got all her shots. Til I see her paper work she gotta sit out on the porch.

    That being said… there would have to be something in place so that I don’t feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick ::pause:: because as I’ve said in the past, I’m brand loyal and I’m not one to d*ck dabble. If I dip once in 2 years and you’re wang slangin like Wilt Chamberlin, I can see there being some issues on both sides. I might feel slighted and you might feel like what made that one dude so special that I finally elected to use my free pass.

    According to Will and Jada, and open relationship is where it’s at. But according to their rules, Will is free to free Willie with Jada’s approval, but he’s the only one allowed to steal from her cookie jar. Jada has veto power and from what I’ve heard doesn’t hesitate to use it.

    I feel like I could live with that if things were transparent and I felt the other person was truly committed to our relationship. I don’t like to share my toys. It’s like when I had a Game Boy. Yes, you could play my game boy, for 15mins. Just because can’t beat my high score don’t you dare try and clear my scores, don’t change any of my settings, don’t try and front like it’s yours if someone else sees you playing with it and don’t even thing about trying to walk to away with my $h*t. Some rules never change.

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  10. Southern Belle

    I’ve only ever dated guys who have had qualities of exclusivity. While I have been cheated on (sigh), that was an example of one who slipped by my radar, but I have tightened my game since.

    I agree with Nyela in that, guys who say they aren’t ready for exclusive commitment just aren’t ready to grow up, I don’t have time for all that. I categorize men in three ways (how convenient):

    -Boyfriend material
    -Showpiece
    -Ew

    All the boyfriend material’s are guys that I date either because they are incredible or I embrace my foolish side and fall in love strong like with their potential. Then there are the showpieces that I craved on a level of superficiality, from whom I don’t care for exclusive commitment because they fulfill me through other means (intellectually, sexually, and/or emotionally). Everyone else falls in the ‘Ew’ category and have no chance of being the better half or high speed D provider, they can however be in the friend zone.

    I’m reaching a level of maturity in which showpieces aren’t as fulfilling anymore and I’m starting to crave the responsibility of a committed relationship. There’s nothing wrong with open relationships though (as long as people practice safe sex), it just depends on what fulfills you.

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    Southern Belle Reply:

    typos galore, disgusting.
    tried to edit fast, but i’m running on E today, sorry.

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  11. Peyso

    Open Relationships cannot work because a man knows that there is a catch. Also, there arent many women who are gonna b out there gettin it popped. So when you come home and tell her how you were slayin jawns left and right in bathroom stalls, behind dumpsters and what not, she gonna b madd b/c despite ya being in an open relationship she didnt expect you to be getting it POPPED liked that.

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    Nyela Goodness Reply:

    Actually, I strongly agree with you. As much as a woman may agree to an open relationship, the odds of the average woman actually sliding off is minimal. And if she does slide off, she’ll still feel like she cheated, and ultimately, feel bad about it.

    While I do realize that there are many a woman to whom this generalization does not apply, I don’t think the typical woman can emotionally handle an open relationship with someone for whom she deeply cares/loves. A sense of betrayal will still exist…

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    Danja Reply:

    You folks don’t know a lot of people. But then, people like us arent always open with everyone about what we do because our bedrooms are OURs.

    But ummmm, there’s far more women out there engaging in this lifestyle than yall think lol

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    CVal Reply:

    I’m gonna agree with Peyso simply because I did have an open relationship twice and both instances the gf was a first cool with it but over time…well lets say I feel there is a limit to how many other women you can be bumping with before an ultimatum is dropped. And to tell the truth, I was waiting for the catch the whole time.

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  12. Danja

    Yes. In fact, I’m in one. Happily married at that.

    Here’s the thing: everyone has rules, limitations, and boundaries. What works for some doesn’t work for others.

    I find that the reason men are less likely to want to be in an open relationship is because, for the most part, a man’s ego rests heavily on his sexual performance and prowess, and the idea that another man might come and grandstand them scares the shit out them. They want to believe they are “the man” in bed and don’t want to risk that another man might just be able to dust his woman off better.

    The female ego, however, rests mostly on her ability to love her man, so if her man is sleeping with someone else, it might not be the worst thing in the world so long as he is only loving her. That’s why women are more likely to forgive men cheaters than vice versa.

    That’s the general, nutshell aspect of it, of course. There are always exceptions.

    What does seem consistent, though, is that when it comes to inviting others into your bed or relationship, many men have huge double standards such that in their minds, having two women is fine, but their women having two men is not. The women, however, seem to be more open about doing both (inviting men and women).

    Relationships like these require intense trust, the most open of communication, maturity, and security. If there are any issues in the relationship, opening it up will only make things worse. Each partner has to be secure in the love that they share and they have to understand their boundaries. Some couples are OK with each other going on romantic dates with others, while other couples only allow other partners in their presence and in their bed… for example.

    It’s not about just trying to get jump offs because you’re unfulfilled in your relationship. If that is the case, you don’t need to be in a relationship at all. It is about two people agreeing to engaging in relations of various sorts with other people while keeping home in focus. Most people use it to enhance their already great relationships.

    A study was done that shows people in open relationships have far lower divorce rates of 5-15% versus the national average of 51%. People say they are happier, have strong communication, stronger bonds, etc.

    It isnt for everyone, but if it is something you want, don’t settle for being in a closed relationship. It will only lead to lack of fulfillment and possibly cheating. Seek someone likeminded and be happy.

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    ToySoldier Reply:

    “It’s not about just trying to get jump offs because you’re unfulfilled in your relationship. If that is the case, you don’t need to be in a relationship at all. It is about two people agreeing to engaging in relations of various sorts with other people while keeping home in focus. Most people use it to enhance their already great relationships. ”

    Preach on, sister.

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    ife1love Reply:

    I’d like to second that!

    I think there’s a misconception out there that “open” means it’s open season on all birds walking the street. Just cause you can doesn’t mean go do as much as possible. Like don’t be any looser with the pumpington than you would if you were single. Also our relationship should come first so don’t show up for our dinner date 2hrs late cause you met some chick at the gas station and one thing led to another…

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    Black & Trapped in Toronto Reply:

    Thanks for the education and for waking me up :)

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    RightCoastLex Reply:

    Thanks for your insight Danja…although that was not as slow and seductive as I might have hoped…

    But I think you hit the nail on the head. You cant convince me I’m not the best bedroom invention since the mattress. Just the thought of my significant other wanting or needing someone else to be fulfilled whether it be sexually or emotionally is a bit un-nerving. After all, if I couldnt please my woman, I couldnt call myself RightCoastLexSteele. …or RightCoastMrMarcus. No more nicknames.

    I’ve never been in one or known a couple to consensually be in one, so I think I need to know how it enhances the relationship. School me.

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    Danja Reply:

    Well see, it isnt about not being satisfied. In fact, I would not suggest opening up one’s relationship if one is not completely satisfied on every level. There shouldnt be a “need” to be open, just a want. When it is based on “need”, that means something else is wrong in the relationship. When it is based on “want”, quite frankly, it’s just being a freak lol

    My husband completely satisfies me and I him. We have periods where we are completely monogamous. But to pretend like we don’t enjoy having sex with other people around would be a lie. I love to watch people having sex and I like being watched. I like having more than on person in my bed. I enjoy men and women having all kinds of freaknasty sexual relations from threesomes to all out orgies. QQn

    It’s just the freak in me. Luckily for me, I found my match, my soulmate, my equal who is just as freaky as I am.

    How does it enhance our relationship? More sex ;)
    But seriously, it is proof of commitment, trust, loyalty, etc. Believe it or not… Some people say the true testament of one’s commitment is to see how one responds when “threats” are posed.

    For example, if you walk down the street with your lady and you see a woman with a phat ass walking by. You know you want to stare, but you know if you do, your woman is gonna trip. Why? She is insecure. Bottom line. She is afraid that you want that woman more than her and she begins to feel like she is inferior. She is not confident enough that you find her the most attractive. So rather than risk it, she gets tense and makes it so that she never even has to risk finding out whether or not you think someone else is sexier. A rather short leash, wouldnt you say?

    However a woman like me wouldn’t trip. Why? Because I have no problem with my man admiring a phat ass because he is MY husband. He married ME. I have his baby. He pays MY bills. MY name is on his insurance papers. Etc. He isn’t going anywhere AND I know that when it comes down to it, I’m the nicest phattest ass he’ll ever love lol So why spend my energy tripping over him checking out a chic’s ass? It doesnt mean anything about our relationship nor does it mean he wants her more than me. I’m confident in that.

    So if he has sex with someone else, aside from the freak in me enjoying watching it (and possibly participating), the enhancement comes from being able to completely trust that he is not trying to leave me for someone else, he is not trying to fall in love with someone else, he is not trying to pay someone else’s bills, he is not trying to put a baby in someone else, he is not dying and leaving his money to someone else. He gave ME his last name and times like that just reinforce that. Might sound crazy to others, but sometimes, people get complacent and will say “Yeah, I trust my woman” but they never get into situations where that trust is actually proven and confirmed, yanno?

    He enjoys sleeping with a chic. Cool, why take that joy away, especially if I want the same? People are like sex toys to us. The same way a vibrator enhances a sexual experience, people do.

    It’s playing with fire, for sure. I’m and Aries, he is a Leo. Playing with fire is what we do and it is oh so satisfying ;)

    As I said, it isn’t for everyone. It takes a LOT of confidence, security, and trust. There is NO room for insecurity, doubt, questionable self-esteem, etc.

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    ainz Reply:

    Danja you aren’t the first woman that i’ve heard say that.

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    RightCoastLex Reply:

    You got a sister?

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    ife1love Reply:

    The five hottest responders to this topic have been: Danja, Danja, Danja… DANJA, and Danja.

    Sounds like you’ve found someone who’s willing not only to be a husband but also a partner in your marriage.

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  13. Intellectual Hedonist

    I really enjoyed the conversation here today.

    BTW Danja, very enlightening. Thank you

    Reply

  14. Brooklyn's Own

    I’d like to be the SECOND one to shout out Brother Right Coast on his first post. GREAT FIRST TOPIC BRUDAH!

    Now, as far as the topic goes, I believe if you choose to be in this type of relationship, you have to first and foremost be highly comfortable with yourself (especially woman folk who I know tend to get VERY SELFISH with their Personal Pumpinton). Secondly, I believe Danja might have touched on it, if you’re in a relationship where this occurs, it shouldn’t be w/jump off x and jump off y at any and every location you want it to occur. If thats the case, stay single, and donate your kids to the clinic! You and your partner have to have such a level of comfort and understanding about what it is each other wants, hence making COMMUNICATION the key to ANY RELATIONSHIP! Now if there are a set of rules in play in which both you and your partner can abide by, then THAT’S WHATS CRACCIN. However if at any point ya’ll not on the same page this could turn into a very sticky situation, as Slim said, possibly OJ status.

    Now the fact is that most MONOGAMOUS marriages will prolly either have someone cheat over the course of the relationship or eventually end in divorce. How do I know this? Well, I didn’t do any research but I watch a lot of National Geographic and Animal Planet. Being that us humans beings are the most intellectual species on this planet (as far as we know), we kind of pick and choose when and where we want to have sex but our animal counterparts on the other hand have sex to release tension and reproduce and the majority of the males do this w/MULTIPLE PARTNERS OVER THEIR LIFETIME hence y the males are given so much SPERM! Now this doesn’t mean they love their animal family any less but their just going along with NATURE. Ok i’m rambling cuz I have to run back to work but feel free to respond.

    JUSS MY 2 CENTS…

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    Danja Reply:

    And I’d offer that if people were more “open” or if they didnt “settle” into relationships that aren’t truly satisfying, they wouldnt feel the need to cheat and they wouldnt end up divorcing.

    Because it is socially unacceptable to be in an open marriage, people who may truly want to be, suppress those feelings. Society doesn’t understand how you could love someone completely, want to build a family with that person, and still wanna have sex with other people. People place too much value on sex in their relationships. They make it the end all be all and it shouldn’t be.

    It is the influence of Judeochristian piety that sets these standards that demand monogamy. Whether or not it is natural to us as human beings is definitely up for question. Women lead with their emotions, so its hard for them to separate sex from feelings. In fact, women are biologically built to connect emotionally with the people they sleep with. Really and truly. We release a chemical that makes us feel emotional connection. So women have a harder time imagining or accepting that it is ok to love one person and fuck others.

    Men, not so much lol Their problem is ego. plain and simple ego.

    If they only knew how much shit women talked about them… ;)

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  15. I dont undrstand open relationships..if u want to be w/ othr ppl..why be in a relationship?!?! It just seems like it culd cause problems latr down the line. And what if evn if ur bein careful…ur boo on the side gets preggers/the clap/ sumthin. It just seems pointlessly risky. But thats just mho.

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    Danja Reply:

    There are risks every time you have sex, whether its with someone you’ve been with for 1 month or 1 year.

    Different people do different things. I personally dont want to “be with” anyone else. I married my husband for a reason. But I do enjoy having sex with other people as does he. We don’t feel we should have to stop having sex with other people because we got married. Thats all I can say about that.

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    CVal Reply:

    A relationship is about the emotions being shared between two people. If the emotions are strong, relationships have a habit of forming as a result. However, if you are open sexually you usually don’t associate sex exclusively. For instance, I can care deeply or even love the woman I’m with but still have sex with other women. Why? Thats just sex, I make love to my significant other. But its like Danja has been saying, its a matter of maturity and trust; if the two of you can’t get on the same level then it won’t work. The only reason the open relationship I had haven’t work was due to those issues. I remain open and honest about my activities, my other knows what and who I’ve done.

    It may not be the lifestyle for you. Doesn’t mean it’s silly or stupid. Basically, don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it :D

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  16. Alright, the grand conclusion on this topic is that Danja is the ish.lol. I just spent 10-15 minutes reading her comments. Make sure you keep coming back to the blog!

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  17. i’d just like to say that i love lex steele and wish i was at spelman while he was at morehouse so i could have rocked his world then…

    nuff said

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    RightCoastLex Reply:

    Both versions of LexSteele actually went to the same private PWU up north…but our worlds are still rockable…

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    ladebelle Reply:

    tee hee… might need to HOLLA!!!

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  18. yes… i would have an open relationship…

    i agree that most men agree with you and aren’t actually open to an open relationship. men just can’t fathom another man banging their woman’s back out and making her scream their name… it’s a hard pill to swallow but i’m ok with some other chick slobbin my man’s knob… it doesn’t phase me at all.

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