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Meet the Parents…or Family
Only if it were this easy.
It’s been a real family oriented week at 3 Ways. A couple posts ago, Seattle heroically explored the topic of people followin’ or avoidin’ the path that their parents laid for them. And in the last post, I explained why it isn’t a good idea for women to judge a man’s relationship and love potential based on how he treats his mother. The comments got pretty interesting each day as people reflected on their relationships with their own parents and other members of their family, which brings me to today’s post.
Today I, the generically cute handsome and incredibly fresh Black guy known as Slim Jackson (Pic here), want to discuss the topic of significant others meeting one another’s family. Mc (Yep, that was the name) commented yesterday that watchin’ how a man treats his mom is like a company doin’ a reference check. That made the energy savin’ light bulb go off above my cleanly shaven and symmetrical dome. With that said, I truly, honestly, sincerely, and whole-heartedly believe that women place way too much emphasis on meeting the guy’s parents and vice versa.
Now this isn’t to say that men don’t care. As was flushed out in Seattle’s post comments, we do wanna have an idea of what we’ll be dealin’ with in 20 a few years since love and looks both have the ability to fade. We also don’t wanna be bothered with a Monster-in-Law or semi-automatic weapon totin’ father on an extreme mission to protect his lil girl who now happens to be 35. And then there are those cultural barriers with certain relationship partners…ehh, aight. Men do have some stuff to worry about.
Getting back to Mc’s comment, I do believe that meeting someone’s parents and the rest of their family can be like a job interview when things are gettin’ serious. I’m not saying it should be this way…but it is that way. Far too often do I hear women talkin’ with the utmost excitement in their voice about how they met their man or potential’s man family for the first time. Then comes the analysis of whether they thought they made a good impression and how this must mean things are really movin’ forward. I.Shake.My.Head.
I’ve brought a few women home over the years to meet my folks. Granted, I’m not as international in my dating as one of my cohorts *cough*, but I’ve had women from a few continents and/or countries come to the House of Jackson for dinner or just to hang out while I help mi madre around the crib. What’s valid here is that an initial trip to my Upstate NY stompin’ grounds has never been an indicator of a potential’s boo’s likelihood of bein’ the special special one.
I don’t bring her home to see how she acts around my family and if she’ll be suitable for wifeykinship. I bring her home because I consider her a friend and she should at least understand that aspect of my life. No interview. It just is. And besides, it’s pretty difficult to eff up meeting my fam. Whether you’re reserved or extroverted, you’d have to burp, fart, or let out an unprovoked queef with no utterance of excuse me to even raise an eye brow. Oh yeah, you probably shouldn’t swear up a storm either. I’d let my momma smack you for that.
side note: The one thing I will take away from a trip home with a boo or potential boo is if my mom remembers the woman’s name and not just their nationality or a big butt distinct feature.
There are people on the other side of the spectrum when it comes to this “Meet the Fam” business. These are the folks who don’t want their family to scare away their potential or current boo. They fret about the timing of extending the dinner invite or coming over for board game night. They want their significant other to be liked, but also want the them to like their family. They truly see this as a two-sided interview. I have more than my fair share of stories about meeting people with traditional or racist parents. Those are the things I and many of my brethren do worry about. Unfortunately, those issues won’t make it into this post. I digress…sorta.
Then there are those that are all about their fam and just throw the significant other into the lion’s den to see how they handle the interaction. And then depending on how it all goes down, they make a decision on if that person is a keeper. I’m shouting shenanigans at anyone who let’s their S.O get eaten alive by their family. Bare in mind that family includes siblings, cousins, the live-in grandma, and whoever else is part of the household or an extension of it. Another reader, ladycakes, mentioned yesterday that she’s very close to her brothers the way some would be close to the ones that birthed ‘em. These people may be equally, if not more important, than the parents.
So for today, do you place emphasis on your significant other meeting your family? If so, how much? What things do you look for when meeting someone’s family or you bring them to meet yours? Do you set a time line before making the introduction? Have you ever had a family-meets-boo horror story? Do tell. After all…
We Fammmmmly,
65 Responses to “Meet the Parents…or Family”
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Well, I don’t have a significant other, but if I did more than likely I would NOT introduce him to my “family”.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 8:54 am
I was wondering if there were people who would downright not introduce a significant other to the family for whatever reason regardless of how serious they were. Hmm…
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Still Water Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:51 am
I definitely have a cousin who went to Africa, changed her name and got married. Because she changed her whole name, it does not occur to most people that she did get married. She has yet to bring her husband to a family event… its been 3 years.
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Erin Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:03 am
Well, my reasoning is because my mother and I aren’t close and she is emotionally abusive.
And, at least if the relationship doesn’t work out you don’t have to have people in your face asking you about it.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
WORD? my momma too! That is why I haven’t been able to comment in the past three days. I should not be giving out family advice.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
I’ve been wonderin’ where you been, e-booski. lol
Aw.
*pats head*
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Rox Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Yeah, I’m one of those ppl. My reasoning is different tho. My family is fabulous, & I have no fear that a s.o. of my choosing wouldn’t get along w/ them. But “boo” just isn’t gonna meet them (especially my mom) unless he is more than the “boo.”
Any man I bring home to mom will 1) get the once over (& that’s all it takes) & 2) be imprinted in the forefront of her mind for eternity. I don’t mind her sizing my s.o. up, but knowing that she won’t ever forget him, & continue to bring him up in any & every conversation we have until I find a new one (or in her mind marry this one) scares the ish out of me. I’M the one who will get incessantly interrogated about the relationship & there is no.need.
No boobookins is coming home to MY momma under that title unless I really really feel that special way about him ~ otherwise he ain’t worth it, “he’s just a friend.”
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PYTJD Reply:
August 14th, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Super Co-Sign..to Rox..lord knows mama don’t forget at thing.
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“semi-automatic weapon totin’ father on an extreme mission to protect his lil girl”
Teeheehee…. That’s my Daddy!
But for that very reason I would not just bring anyone home to meet the ‘rents. I’ve had gay bffs run away crying after a 30 second encounter with the Pops… why would you want to arbitrarily go through that?
On the other hand, someone made the comment a couple weeks ago that your family knows you in a way that you do not know yourself. Parents and siblings are willing to (rather bluntly) tell you the truth about your boo. My brothers and I have used the fam as a Litmus test of the success of the relationship. In my mind, I cannot fully, completely and totally commit to someone unless they are approved and welcomed by my family. Ultimately, when we are looking for someone to marry, aren’t we looking for someone to join (and build on) that family?
“I bring her home because I consider her a friend and she should at least understand that aspect of my life.”
You wanna understand what home means to me? We can take a trip to Detroit for the weekend… You can cut up with my friend’s for a while… But you ain’t steppin a foot up in Rosedale Park! My family is a Lion’s Den… I’m gonna need to have a pretty good reason to protect you up front.
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Toni Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 5:25 am
LOL at the Lion’s Den comment. Totally can agree with that.
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Rox Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Have to agree w/ “I cannot fully, completely and totally commit to someone unless they are approved and welcomed by my family.”
I feel that way too. I really do care what my family thinks of my s.o. My mother, especially, has this sixth sense that is so point on that it’s scary – she’s been right 100% of the time thus far. & like I said b4, my fam is fabulous, so 1) if they couldn’t get down with the s.o. then there’s got to be a serious problem w/ him & 2) they LOVE me, they’ll tell me EXACTLY what they think until it’s clear – there’ll be no beatin around this bush (pause).
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Seattle Washington Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Co-sign. My family is a huge part of my life so if you don’t fit in with the Washingtons, we’re going to have a problem.
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It’s another late night in Toniland and another good post on Three Ways. Kudos!
Most women do put too much emphasis on meeting the parents. Meeting them too early on (three months into dating)nmight start those “I’m wifey material” wheels turning pre-maturely. Then they def. are on full blast if the meeting comes after a year of dating. There needs to be a balance to the meeting.
My ex never met my parents (and I didn’t meet his). It just wasn’t that serious. We were still trying to get to know each other. I think throwing family in the mix would have complicated things far too much. Only one guy I was slightly interested in ever met my parents, and that was by accident. I wasn’t even around and he was just helping some lost college parents, who happend to be mine.
Several of my cousins bring home a different man/woman for every family get together. They change bf/gf like they change underwear. Grandma has met each one. I can’t be bothered with all those new faces and apparently neither can she. It’s just not healthy to bring any and everybody around your family. People are crazy. You could be entertaining a serial killer unaware. Next thing you know it, Cousin Toni’s a lampshade in ex-bf Bob’s house.
If I were to bring someone home it would have to be serious (def. pre proposal but not far from it). Maybe in a way that’s placing too much emphais on the meet and great. But I look at it like this, my family is extremely welcoming. Once you meet them, you’re part of the family. Do I really want to bring every dude around if it’s not that serious? Absolutely not. Because they’re going to ask me about him repeatedly, have pics from the get togethers and all these other memories that I might want to forget if it ends.
It is interesting to note, however, that I have no problems with my friends meeting my parents. Now I’m not talking about those 9-5 friends you’ve never hung out with, called on the phone or don’t see outside of work/school/wherever your paths regularly cross. I mean true blue/got all the dirt on you/tell you everything friends. All my close friends from high school/college have met my family in passing. But they didn’t particularly spend any amount of time around my family until our friendships reached a certain level of closeness. I only bring home friends I am truly comfortable with.
Perhaps that should be the key to bringing a significant other around. Sure they can meet your parents with a brief hi/bye and intro thrown around. That’s something that’s not too stressful. But really sitting down meeting the family shouldn’t come until later. Meeting family is significant because it indicates a certain level of closeness.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I’m mad one of the dudes “accidentally” met your parents. What are the chances of that?lol.
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I don’t believe in bringing “maybes” around your folks. Women put a lot of stock in meeting the parents because it’s important. When da Man suggested we go to Miami (his home town) for a vacation I knew he had something in mind. Sure enough, he took me to meet mom, grandma and grandpa and the aunts. Because we’d been having those talks that indicated we wanted to be together for a long time.
Why waste your family’s time on someone you’re not really serious about?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 8:51 am
I guess I don’t think of it as wasting time. It just isn’t that serious to me. I’d never bring anyone home, where it be one of the homies or a potential boo, if I thought they were a liability. I guess with me, my family’s opinion is important, but I’m gonna do what I wanna do regardless. Maybe my fam is just more laid back or immersed in what’s going on within their own lives.
Bare in mind though, that I have 2 half brothers and 1 half sister. All of which are significantly older than me and have been out of the house for as long as I can remember. I’m pretty much an only child so the way I view fam may be a bit different.
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LoudPen Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:26 am
Slim, thanks for the explanation and great post. I am going to agree with your last comment, because, you basically grew up as an only child, you are probably more independent and therefore, liable to always do your own thing. I however grew up with 2 brothers, a sister, and I don’t know how many cousins.
And with a big family that’s as close as mine is, bringing someone home is a big deal. My family is full of elephants…they never forget ish. My uncle made the mistake of bringing every little g/f (didn’t marry any of em), and everytime we see him, he is asked about them. And I must admit, my mom is one of the main ones and that’s her bro-in-law. My dad isn’t any better, he met one guy friend of mine, and he brings him up whenever he can.
Needless to say, I can’t do it. If you meeting the fam, you gotta be ready to be part of the fam. And when my fam goes in, they go in. You gotta be able to go with our smart mouths, independence, and be able to make fun of yourself cause you’re definitely gettin’ roasted. So, I wanna make sure the guy can handle that and I want him to be damn near the one cause I can’t handle the constant quizzes of my parents…it’s exhausting.
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:32 am
That’s my family.
Anyone who meets the family gets a tutorial.
That tutorial includes:
“Say sir and ma’am and say it ALL THE TIME”
“All the jokes are funny and the funniest ones include you in the punchline”
“If they ask you if you want something, and especially if it’s already in their hand or on the spoon, the answer is ‘Yes.’”
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Peyso Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I give em the run down too. If they’re older than 45, they’re your aunt and uncle.
No jokes about the military or drugs.
My grandmother has the final say. So follow her lead
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I place A LOT of emphasis on who meets my family… Mainly for my protection. I want to be sure that the guy is the real thing before I bring him around bc my family tends to get excited and ask about them CONSTANTLY.
If it goes sour, I don’t want them still bringing that guy up. I don’t have any horror stories.
I can also count on one hand the guys’ family’s that I have met. I’m always super nervous bc as a woman, you just want the mama to be nice and like you…. but so far, so good.
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:43 am
My ex still complains about how his family asks about me.
His brother facebooks me to ask me when I’m going to visit.
His mother STILL (we’re 3 yrs post-break up) calls me her daughter-in-law. At first I kept asking him if he was sure he’d told her we broke up. He’s brought the new person around, they’ve all gone on vacation, everything and she still calls me that.
Introducing them to the fam can be tricky. He made the “mistake” of talking about me too much, too soon. They had met me before things even got out the gate good and once we were serious, it was game o-v-e-r.
I feel bad for him, sometimes.
Meanwhile, my mom could never remember his name. Called him everything but his name (and he has a very common name).
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:41 am
“Meanwhile, my mom could never remember his name. Called him everything but his name (and he has a very common name).”
LMAO.. She doesn’t want to remember his name.
See- that’s exactly what I want to avoid (re: your ex’s family)… my current BF has been around my family so much now.. he’s the only guy to have ever done that. If he leaves me, I will merk him. (half J/K)
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
I think you’re right about my mom. His name starts with a J, so she’d call him EVERY J NAME but the right one. I’d be like “Seriously, SERIOUSLY, if all I said was ‘list some ‘J’ names” you’d get it eventually… quit playing…”
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Nicki Sunshine Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
LMAO!!!!! Yes ma’am.. that’s what she was trying to do.. That is hilarious..
Have you seen Obsessed??? Beyonce did that to the assistant.
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One of my uncles died in the spring of 2006. Of course, since we’re black, this event turned into a family reunion. We’re playing spades when in walks one of my cousins with a strange fellow. Her brother told me that was her boyfriend. She introduced him to no one. We all looked at each other with super confusion.
At the end of the year, she took me out for my birthday and introduced me to her b/f (who she had initially called her friend). I asked her how long they’d been together (when I recognized him from earlier that year) she stood, and started thinking, started tapping her fingers as if she was counting and said “about 8 years…”
WHAT-THA-….
And that’s when it dawned on me that for as much as we love each other, my family and I, we know that we’re crazy and we just don’t bring significant others around. If you get to meet the family, you must be about to get married. No lie. The last cousin who brought someone home to meet the fam, brought him post-wedding (that only a handful of us had been invited to) my uncles and aunts dogged the mess out of him (he was a low-life, though) and a few months later they were divorced.
It’s tricky business meeting the fam. I don’t even tell my mom about significant others until they are super significant and man, we gotta be on the marriage track FO’ REAL if you think you’re meeting the uncles (Lord bless that situation) and aunts (and you do have to meet them).
Does anyone have a standard for meeting friends? Is there anyone who thinks meeting the friends is just as, if not more, important as meeting the fam?
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Everybody meets my mama, no rhyme, no reason…it’s just not that serious to me…besides I need somebody to identify your @ss if I go missing…lol (but I’m serious)
I guess it depends on your family dynamic, I’m the baby of 13…I’m used to being ‘looked after’ *shrugs* and that includes folk I’m spending time with.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:41 am
baby of 13? like 13 full non-adopted siblings? not that there’s anything wrong with adoption. i’m just thinking about the logistics.lol.
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Smiley Face Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
lol…we never did the half sibling thing but no my mama birthed 2 but raised all 13 of us…talk about full house.
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Reecie Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:57 am
“besides I need somebody to identify your @ss if I go missing…lol (but I’m serious)”
I feel this. I’m the only child, my mom even says that “I need to be able to identify him” LMAO. give me his full name and the make of his car!
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Some girls may take it to seriously..jumping to the oh so now i’m wifey tip. but regardless of how seriously you or she takes meeting the fam, it puts the relationship (friend/ significant other) on a different level.
“It just isn’t that serious to me. I’d never bring anyone home, where it be one of the homies or a potential boo, if I thought they were a liability.”
So isn’t that important enough in itself. clearly you put some thought in who you bring around the fam. Even if its not “oh now i’m wifey” she or your friends are respectable enough for your fam to meet.
If you have hundreds of people in your life not everyone meets the fam. It may be a matter of circumstance but even you said you take notice when your mom remembers a name. So whether or not you bring a girl around with the intention of getting approval clearly somewhere deep inside your mom remembering her name may validate that special relationship somewhere down the line.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:50 am
I see what you’re saying. In terms of the validation, it’s not something I look for. My mom a week or 2 later may be like “how is Funqueefa doing?” I’ll usually just be like oh, you remembered? And that’ll be it. And by the way, I wasn’t being mean.lol. I was just saying in case people thought I left out part of the name.
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Mc Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 9:55 am
oh ok lol…
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Mc Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I think i’m also thinking about the statement,
“bringing someone to meet your parents”
is not someone running through your house “hi, bye, this is so and so” bringing someone to actually meet and interact with your family is inviting that person to into your family and that to me means going to church/family reunions etc. But that’s just my perception of what it is to actually meet and get to know people.
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it hasn’t been a big deal to me, to be honest. when I was in graduate school I lived at home so…of course guys I dated met my folks, serious or not. If not serious the probably didn’t stay for dinner, or attend church with us…but if they were around and my folks came/were home, of course they got the proper introductions. My parents are very easy going and likeable, almost ALL my friends adore my mother especially. She just has that kinda personality. Now my dysfunctional extended family? you’d have to be special to meet them, especially since most live out of state and it would have to be a family event like reunion, birthday party, wedding, funeral, etc. for us to all be together anyway. I’ve met the parents of serious boyfriends only. Not too many for guys I was dating casually…but that’s mostly I think because their folks didn’t live where they lived–so to meet, we’d actually have to travel to do so.
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I always bring women FRIENDS to my house/around my fam because usually all my friends come though at one point or another. When it comes to someone im seriously seeing, I take my time. I don’ want associations made when a relationship is in its infancy. My immediate family is more modern and can understand the “easy come easy go” concept. When it comes to the older fam, associations can and will be made, lol.
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My family is really very warm and welcoming and so I would only bring by a guy who I wanted to be a part of that circle, so that means we’re past level 1 dating at least.
Also I respect that family circle enough to not bring every Tom, Dick and Harry I think I might like just to yank’em out all of a sudden ’cause I really got to know and did not like.
And finally, at my age the family will ask me every chance they get about what’s up with so and so if they meet him, so I need to be ready for the inquisition and make sure they are worth it.
My friends are always my first line of vetting with any ‘potentials’.
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My family is a nut house. However, the thing I do appreciate is that they let new comers get acclimated to the environment. They let you watch from the sideline while you witness the foolishness that goes on in my house. The current SO is the only girl i had that has spent time around my aunts and uncles (suprisingly she hasnt met my pops. All others may have met all the major players but didnt spend anytime around them
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I am a person who is VERY secretive about who i date. My family has never met a guy that i have dated. I need for it to be a serious relationship before i bring a guy around my family. My dad even asked me if i was a lesbian because i have never mentioned a guy to him. SMH. (Friends are a different story, all of my friends have pretty much met my family.)
My family is very protective. Not just my immediate family, but my extended family as well. Anytime anyone brings home an SO we all immediately start evaluating that person. We’re very close and we can’t just have any and everybody up in our bubble!
So i place a lot of importance on meeting the parents. As far as me meeting a potential SO’s parents, I think it’s important. If the family doesn’t like you, it does have a lot of weight on the relationship. IMO.
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I mentioned in the post….yay!!! lol. I actually have a potential boo meeting family horror story. This guy and I had talked for a while in undergrad and since he lived so far, I decided to invite him home for a weekend with the fam….WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE. On the ride to Chicago, I explained that I had four brother, two were Marines and police officer and a probation officer. He seemed cool.
Well we get there and everything seems alright. My oldest brother likes to crack jokes to make people feel comfortable. Well potential boo was a EMO type dude and burst into tears (I mean SNOTTING AND BAWLING, punk a$$ b*tch). His food is drowning in tears and effectively our meal is halted which pisses my family off to no end. So I stand up and escort to the door and was like what the f. He states that he sees how close I am to my brothers and mommykins and wouldn’t try to compete. It was obvious they didn’t like and he would not longer vie for my affections. I turn him to get his p*ssy a$$ in the car and I drove to the greyhound station where he left.
All my brother said was I was his baby sister and that we would always be there no matter what. There was no threats or ideas about checking credits and this man had Marbury type performance. Needless to say when I got back to campus there was no interaction between us again.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Thank You for a story! I just laughed. Poor emo cat. I can’t imagine crying at anyone’s dinner table. I’d cuss someone out
then hustle out the doorbefore I’d even considering getting Emo sad because someone cracked a joke that made me feel some sort of way. Granted, the family make up you described could make a few men feel awkward if they go according to stereotypes and such.Reply
ladycakes Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Yeah I could see that so I give a gist of my family without revealing the deep family secrets. My brothers don’t smother as people would think and I could always ask question to them that I was so embarrassed to ask my mommykins.
When I got back from the bus station, my brother was like what all I did was advice him to put lotion on the heels before he set himself on fire.
But for the most part, I love taking anyway that I like whether it boo or friend to meet the fam. I tend to more quiet and meeting my fam is good way for people to figure where I come from and why my demeanor is the way it is.
P.S. Current boo loves the family and when he comes to visit, we hang out, crack jokes and have a wonderful time.
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LoudPen Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
ladycakes, please, please tell me you are lying about this EMO cat?! I simply cannot take it! I was laughing so hard and loud, I’m liable to get fired! Who in the world starts crying in the middle of dinner? Whew, I’m glad you dropped him. Congrats.
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ladycakes Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I wish I was. He was looking to me to defend or comfort him and all he got was blank stare. My brothers kept on eating as if nothing went on and my mother admonished him for ruining her well crafted dinner with his tears. I was to done. But yeah, whenever I saw him on campus I just walked the other. All respect was lost
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Yes, I am quite… “international” in my dating decisions. Think that resulted because my folks, and some of my extended family, never cared about the ethnicity of who I brought home – friend or otherwise. The only thing my folks cared about were their personality and level of ambition. If you are shaky, my mom has no problem calling you out on it. In front of me. She’s done it. It wasn’t pretty. That girl quickly disappeared into the darkness soon after.
My extended family is a tougher nut to crack because there’s a large range of personalities, intellect and humor. You never know what’s going to happen and as a result you have to roll with it. A typical day is full of snapping and trapping, but also intelligent conversation. If you can’t keep up, you will get left behind. Quickly. Luckily the latest woman had her running shoes tied up, the Kevlar on and her guns ablaze when she was around that fam.
Good thing too, because they would’ve talked about her. With her there.
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LMFAO. STOP it with that saccharine-cute pic, Slim. You killin’ me. And you a mess for saying “pic here” in the link because you know your e-groupies were dying to see it.
Ya know, in my ideal world, I’d say the relationship would have to be pretty serious in order for the boo to meet the parents, but we’re such a close-knit immediate family that I’m not he’d actually wait that long. My mama for one would HAVE to know about him and/or meet him pretty early. She already has her “death-stare” ready. Seriously, though, she ain’t THAT scary*, actually ninjas LOVE her. She got the young truck drivers at her job callin’ her “mama” and ish (yet she won’t give me any of their numbers…FML).
My mama is pretty open minded and though her standards are high, she won’t be all nitpicky.
Now my big sis on the other hand…
RUN. Naw, don’t run, because her and I are mad close. She’s a tough cookie and always gives the eye-daggers to a ninja that even LOOKS at
my glorious donk It’s all about crossing the threshold with my fam. It’s not really a tense process for me because my fam will always make ya feel welcome, but you gotta have a thick-skin for the witty banter and teasing that is surely to come your way.And I expect to encounter the same with his family. *beefs up* I think I’d be ready…
*she really is.
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Cheekie Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Thanks, Slim for saving the day with my trouble post. Though I probably put the wrong strikethrough tag…only “glorious donk” should be striked. lol *sigh*
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I have met the parents of both of my close homeboys, and they have met my parents. and until my mom met my homeboy, she thought he was my bf b/c i talk about him a lot.
but when it comes to relationships, I am very careful about who I bring around my family. I’ve never brought a bf or potential bf around the family b/c I never truly felt that any of my past BF’s were good enough to meet my family, and I didn’t want him to be a part of all of my life. When I meet that man, I’ll be telling you all about my wedding plans
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
My BFF is male.
I’ve spent more time around his family, extended and all, than any of his girlfriends, with the exception of the one he was “supposed” to marry (and by that, I mean they were in a very long-term and very committed relationship).
His mama and her b/f hear I’m coming into town and get stupid excited, his aunt and grandmother always ask about me.
He’s just like that with his friends. They meet the family, the g/f’s… not so much.
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a total of 4 women have ever met my mother. me and my mother are really close but as far as my love life i don’t really share that much with her. same with my dad. i remember my dad tried to convince me to get back with one of my ex’es after she called him crying. bad idea. i cursed her after i had a stern talk with my dad.
only when i’m in the most serious of relationships do i bring a woman home to meet my parents.
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with me, no one meets the fam unless they are in deep. We just kickin’ it? No fam time for you. In my family, if you get an introduction, that means that we’re serious.
Even today I think a lot of women are still raised that way – hence the thinking that getting introduced to a man’s family implies that he’s serious about you.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
“with me, no one meets the fam unless they are in deep.”
Pause.
Sorry, force of habit. How many dudes have met your fam?
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Girl Politik Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Lol! Only 1. And we saw each other for almost 3 years. But the fact that he had met the fam – and that they really liked him- was annoying after we split. Our moms’ became tight and two years after the fact, fam was still asking questions about dude! “Yeah I liked dude – what happened to him?”
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N.I.A. naturally Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
I’m the same way. I respect my parents too much to just let them meet the dude I’m
phuckingcasually dating. I really need to feel like he is the one, and we are both on one accord about the furtherance of our relationship b4 I allow him to step a toe inside my parent’s house.Reply
The grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side either Three Ways fam,
So here’s a PSA:
Fellas, mommy’s love me so unless u think I’m the one, don’t bring me home to momma
LOL, I’m being silly, but seriously, I’m only like 10% kidding (& knock on wood, b/c that’s actually a really good.thing – I do hope they like me)
But neway, case & point, one of them called me to go to lunch w/ her recently… needless to say, she likes me more than the gf. I can handle mommies, they are wonderful!!! But having one-on-ones isn’t really ideal, & worse comes to worst, at some point I will just have to make myself scarce.
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A show of hands of those who did not click on the link to Slim’s pic cause they know they’d be wasting their time!!!!! lol
Slim=blog batman
IM so terrified to meet an SO’s parents, I’ll avoid if I can. But I know it’s directly related to the bad experience I had w a former bf of 7 years who happened to be a Ricky martin hip swiveling Boricua (well that’s what he turned into after the break-up..hmmm). He came from a fam of all women so w the exception of his abuela, I was met with fake smiles and shit and given obvious cheap ass Christmas gifts (perfume bottle w a tester sticker). I also had to endure when his mother was determined to set him up w this rich Dominican girl who happened to be friends w his fam….so not only am I weary of dating anyone w a language barrier I am weary of meeting the parents. This may be changing as I’m starting to grow a pair (figuratively). posts like this help me gain an understanding of all this.. but more importantly from that experience I have learned that it will help to have a man who will be sensitive to this and help me feel at home, even if I am not the ONE or accepted by the fam.
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Raises hand… (all love, Slim)
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Anger Management Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I’m raising my hand too, LOL
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
LOL at all three of you.
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Rox Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
I know what u look like so I clicked the link to see what nonsense would pop up in a new tab.
Haha, & it womped major
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I’ve never placed a lot of emphasis on having my SO meet my family because if I like you, it doesn’t matter whether my family likes you, and I would hope anyone that I’m dealing with would feel the same. Granted, things move along more smoothly if you get along with my family, but their opionions aren’t the end-all-be-all.
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ASmith Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I go back and forth on this. You’re right that ultimately it’s about the two people in the relationship, but as has been pointed out on this blog (to me for the first time) your parents and family members can often see things you can’t and make connections you won’t until it’s too late (of course we assume you have parents and family members who are reasonably functional).
I wouldn’t break up with someone solely because my mama didn’t like him (though, mama didn’t like the last guy; I should’ve listened) but I will weigh what she says carefully. Of course I don’t bring every Tom, Dick and Harry in to meet Mother Dearest, so hopefully by the time they get that far, they’ve passed all reasonable “tests” (<<<— uh-oh)
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Slim Jackson Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
@Anger Management: Ya know, I thought more people would share this perspective. Do you have siblings?
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Anger Management Reply:
August 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
@ Slim Jackson, Yes, I have 2 brothers and 1 sister, all younger than me. But in actuality, we’re all loners so we were never that close. One of my brothers did bring one girl home who I didn’t like for some strange reason (call it women’s intuition) and she ended up cheating on him and getting preggers by another man o_O. Maybe if I would’ve voiced my opinion, he would’ve never been in that situation, but because I didn’t know her I figured the best thing to do was just mind my own business.
@ASmith, I agree, sometimes your parents (as well as your friends) know you better and can see things that you can’t. I guess it’s about a balance of weighing your family’s opinions and making your own decisions.
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I’m pretty big on the fam, even if I don’t see them too often. I know how they are too – they’ll gossip mercilessly about everyone and anyone. They’ll usually say the same things whether the person is there or not. It’s family. So I only bring a girl through if I’m thinking something long term. If I’m going to listen to all their criticisms, jokes and unsolicited advice, she better be worth it. The other part of it is that I know that fam legitimately cares. They’ll point out things about a girl that I may not see, or may not want to see. A girl not making a good impression with the peoples isn’t an immediate deal breaker, since she would’ve had to already make it through alot of other filters to meet them. It is, however, a really bad sign if the fam doesn’t like her, and even worse if she dosen’t like them.
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Absolutely Not.
From past experience, I’ve learned that those you choose to be with(gf/bf) versus those you are forced to be with (family) can often but heads over nothing-ness. Case in point, the first girl I decided should meet my family for some reason had to be the one to go and dis-respect my moms right down to the core.
My mom branded her satan simply because she cooked for me! Everyone knows that in some black households, it’s ya mom’s living room, bathroom and kitchen that you don’t f*ck with. Period. Well wifey was Dominican and grew up cooking with her mom so it didn’t seem like a big deal but in my house that was a smack in the face.
Now hearing this, one can clearly see that it was nothing that serious. But that’s the thing about family, they follow certain unsaid laws that as you grow up become second nature. Bringing ya gf/bf into that without proper prep can often make for a bad impression. Rather than risk that I avoid family, especially if you don’t have your own place!
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