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Men Don’t Take Hints Very Well
Huh? I don't get it...
I have heard men admit this fault, and I’ve also watched a few miss what I thought were pretty clear signs of what I did or did not want. The hints could be about what I want for my birthday or how I liked my Jimmy served. Or they could relate to what I do not like about a man. And sure, most women know that dropping hints is not the ideal way to get a point across, but many of us still do it anyway. I digress.
A few weeks ago, WithRainbowSprinkles and I were talking about why men we have met, engaged for brief spells of time, and ultimately brushed off, still reach out and try to get in touch with us for weeks, months, and sometimes years after we have given them what we thought were clear enough messages about our lack of interest in getting to know them, or continuing any sort of relationship with them. After talking it through, I think we came up with a few reasons.
It’s my fault because I gave him the P.C. answer.
Before I learned better, I would give my phone number to dudes knowing I had no real interest in them, praying they would never call, only to have them call me repeatedly. Other times, I’d meet a guy, share a few good conversations, go on a few entertaining dates, and after a few weeks or so, I realized that there was nothing there. After all was said and done, I didn’t tell him that I thought he was unattractive. I didn’t tell him there was no chemistry. I didn’t tell him that his stories about himself and his mother were as exciting as watching paint dry. Nope. Instead, I stopped initiating contact and ignored his calls. Or I hit him with the “You know, life’s really busy for me right now.” Or “I need to sort some things out before I can really focus on getting to know you.” I know these stories are lies. Yet, I told them anyway. Why?
Because I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
But why the hell do I care about his feelings? I don’t really have anything invested in him. That may sound harsh, but I will not suffer any real consequence if his feelings get hurt, if at all. Hell, I will probably do him and the next poor soul lovely woman he spends time with a favor by telling him that the inflection in his voice makes him sound like a hairdresser from RHOA, or that his overly intense passion for everything under the sun makes him seem a little weird. If I tell him that it wasn’t that finals time kept me busy, but that I was not attracted to him at all, I feel like I’d be too mean or something. So I took the punk route and tried to let him down easy. Eff that.
Polishing the truth leaves him with false hope.
When I hit dude with the “It’s not you, its me,” he probably believed me, which is why after some time passed, he came back. If I stopped calling, and he asks what happens, I blame some exaggerated life event. And of course, this doesn’t apply to the man who just checks in to be a nice guy, or to see how things are going generally. I’m talking about the men who come back trying to pick up where they think the two of you left off.
Him: So girl, when you gonna let me be your man?
Me to self: Never, fool. Its been 8 months since with last spoke…via.text.message.
Me to him: Oh I dunno, I’m pretty busy.
Him: enters Hope. Maybe soon she’ll be less busy.
I wrote this about women dealing with men, but I know there are many times when women don’t get the drift either. Who should we blame: the person making the vague, safe statements or the dense hopeful person on the other end. Is sparing feelings a good justification, or should we just be straight up, no matter what the cost? Are the people giving the P.C. answers really just covering for something else? Help me understand.
Now looking to make grown men cry with my harsh, yet honest words,
45 Responses to “Men Don’t Take Hints Very Well”
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OMG!! (what is PC btw, excuse my ignorance) I think we gotta be straight forward to everyone…This week I am loving these posts.
Okay so recently, I had to let a guy GO. We’re not really friendly on twitter like that but apparently he fell in love with my tweets and started chatting me up via DM. Now I’m thinking I’m being friendly by replying and entertaining this. I had absolutely NO kinda interest in Homie but I guess cuz I was replying back to him, he felt that I was feeling him. It was an open #swindle when he finally got my # and I didn’t think he would begin pressing me to talk to him. But he does and starts asking me if I’m talking to anyone else. Clocked my tweets like, “you can be in Twitter but you won’t answer my texts”. Like, Homie didn’t I tell you that I wasn’t trying to talk to anyone? I told him I had too much on my plate and that I wasn’t trying to look into anything. Convinced there were other boys, he proclaimed his growing fondness of me.. I guess he liked a challenge. Instead of telling his FLAT OUT, that I don’t like him or find him to be my type of worth my time, I dealt with the madness! I finally had to tell him “Unnecessary persistence can get annoying.” it was THEN that he decided to listen. >_< frigging asshole..
Glad that's over.. Ladies, Gents, please tell the truth if you're not feeling someone. False hopes can lead to headaches lol
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jdawn789 Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:30 am
I’m pretty sure PC is “Politically Correct”
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Amen.
I’m sure if I spoke my mind more often I could get rid of half the problems (pronounced:men) that I have now! I really think it’s up to both people not to be complete idiots with a dating situation. Nobody should want to date someone who needs to “grow” into them. If someone is highly interested in making time for you they won’t be giving you the “I’m busy” line everytime and your a fool if you believe it. On the other hand I wonder if it’s more than us protecting them but us protecting ourselves. Who wants to be the girl that nobody is calling/interested in?
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This is so true. Men do not take hints well. I’ve been harassed by so many men unnecessarily and most of this could have been avoided if I were more upfront.
There is one guy who just won’t get it. He’s been harassing me for over two years. He stopped calling me for a while so even though his number is saved in my phone, I forgot who he was and would pick up when he called. Then I would have to find some sorry excuse to get off the phone with him. So now I saved his number as “annoying a** negro,” and yes I am dead serious. Now if he calls or sends a text, I know not to answer.
However, I have learned to just say I’m not interested. Some idiots have the nerve to ask me why. And I’m just like do you really want me to tell you why I’m not feeling you, or do you want to leave with your dignity?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 8:49 am
now I saved his number as “annoying a** negro,” and yes I am dead serious.
That is the KEY…don’t delete the numbers of the bug-a-boos. You open yourself up to there madness. There is a dude I gave my number to literally 3 winters ago, who still had the nerve to text me and call me last month….I NEVER answered any of his calls, and he still calls. #wtf?!
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LoudPen Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Miss Jenkins, I’m sure you remember my stalker/crush mix-up story due to the fact that I deleted the stalker and the crush’s number. So deleting crazy folks number is a no-no.
For those who don’t know, a couple of months ago I was phone delete happy and deleted the crush’s number. The stalker’s number had been deleted. However, both promote parites and when I re-saved what I thought was the crush’s number, it turned out to be the stalker. Low & behold, I end up on a date with the stalker mad as hell. But, I told him I wanted nothing to do with him and do you know this fool still texts me about upcoming parites? 0-O
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Men like to say women can’t handle the truth…
People can’t handle the truth.
This is why we sugarcoat stuff because we don’t want to have a blubbering mess on our hands. Both genders do it, just with different sitcheations.
Why’s it always the dudes you don’t want who try so hard? Lord Jesus how many times do I have to send you to voicemail or have my homegirl answer the phone or send a response text that says “who’s this”? #passiveagressiveatitsfinest before you stop trying? Don’t they get tired of the okeydoke? Hm.
We oughta be straight up, but you know sometimes when you say you’re not interested as plainly as you can, they want a dissertation on it. Some folks just can’t let it go.
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It’s funny. When women don’t take hints, they get labeled as crazy and made fun of in AIM away messages and cartoons. A few of you will get the reference.
As for the post, it definitely goes both ways. What I have noticed is that even when a man tells a woman that it’s definitely not gonna happen, she still remains hopeful…at which point she often let’s him beat then acts surprised when she doesn’t get her long
stroketerm desired result.Reply
ASmith Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:39 am
What I have noticed is that even when a man tells a woman that it’s definitely not gonna happen, she still remains hopeful…at which point she often let’s him beat then acts surprised when she doesn’t get her long stroke term desired result.
I JUST saw this very scenario unfold betwixt (why yes I did use “betwixt” two people I know).
Home girl was picking out the wedding colors and ol ‘dude was still tryna figure out if he even liked her. It was a mess.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:45 am
True, but a lot of times, the man’s actions don’t match his words. Whereas (at least in the scenarios I describe) no mixed messages get sent. *shrugs*
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:59 am
So if a man says “I really don’t want a gf. I’m just chilling now. Will sling pipe, but I really don’t want a relationship” that those words should be thrown out because he still cuddles with her and peters her up?
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 10:36 am
Not the words themselves. I’m talking about the pillow talk and all the other stuff that happens between the thronxing sessions.
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SoBKAllDAY Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 11:20 am
“True, but a lot of times, the man’s actions don’t match his words.”
“Not the words themselves. ”
“those words should be thrown out because he still cuddles with her and peters her up”
So is it the man’s actions that don’t match his words (the words that apparently don’t exist according to Miss Jenkins)? Or that the woman’s words don’t match her actions (i.e. in Miss Jenkins case)?
I just need a bit of clarity or else i’m just going to have to do as slim says and throw my own words out as I cuddle and peter her up!
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Seattle Washington Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 11:24 am
See this is what’s messed up. I may or may not be a nice guy, but I try my hardest to be one. Most of the time. So instead of having sex and kicking you out of the house, I offer up the chance to chill. I’ll make you comfortable because I’m being nice.
Being nice is instantly misconstrued as mixed signals. No broad, I’m just not as much as of an asshole as that other dude who asked you, “What are you still doing here?” when it was all over.
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Lionheart Streetz Jericho Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I blame the dudes who buy false hoep and sell dreams to these chicks! Say what you mean and mean what you say.
It is a double standard though re: men actions != words
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withrainbowsprinkles Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 5:33 pm
people have to pay attention to words because actions do not always speak louder…once a man says “i don’t want a relationship” take your feelings, put them in a box, and lock them away…then get all the oface your little heart desires, but do not mistake by any means late night canoodling and mid-day smiley txt msgs for “i changed my man and want a relationship now”
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withrainbowsprinkles Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
yoooooooooo…met a guy this past weekend who dated girl in said AIM away msg/cartoon….she still crazy
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“It’s funny. When women don’t take hints, they get labeled as crazy and made fun of in AIM away messages and cartoons. A few of you will get the reference”
With all due respect, more than “a few” of us read & participate on this blog so if all of us can’t be chimed in on this so called reference of your’s, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF BUDDY!
Thanks
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 9:57 am
It would take me days to type it out and it wouldn’t be as funny. I’ll tell you in person at some point at some random greek event.lol.
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Destined for Greatness Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 4:12 pm
“With all due respect, more than “a few” of us read & participate on this blog so if all of us can’t be chimed in on this so called reference of your’s, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF BUDDY!”
#haveaseat
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There is another reason why people sugarcoat and drop hints rather than being up-front. CRAZY. People do insane things in response to rejection. You don’t want to be on the evening news because you were honest when you brushed off that seemingly normal dude.
Even with that said, I think with a little tact, we can afford to “keep it real”. If someone is interested in you, their perception is already skewed – they’re looking for a (read: any possible) clue that you’re interested as well and will be more enthused to take most anything as encouragement. With that in mind, if I’m not interested – I try to make it evident while still remembering my manners. There’s no need to be “stank”, but there’s also no need to give a number, that’s just encouragement. The problem with hints is that they aren’t concrete. “Hoping” is even more abstract.
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I dont take hints well. I’ll admit it. Its b/c deciphering code can be difficult. One’s girl “no i dont wanna talk to you” means what it says and another girl’s means “I’m playing hard to get”.
I dont give hints b/c I cant read em, I think I suck at giving em.
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This cracks me up. I am just keep it all the way real in dealing w/ rejecting people and sometimes I still end up w/ a crazy bug-a-boo dude. I think men think if they are persistent they will eventually wear you down. It is sooo unfortunate and then when you snap you are labeled a “b*tch” But in all honesty if you aren’t feeling the person you shouldn’t care if they don’t like you. Just tell them…dude I aint feeling you b/c I think you are boring, or ugly or just not good enough and then keep it moving.
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Peyso Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 10:45 am
Its hard to take hints b/c I bet every man can name an instance where they took something to be a hint and it wasnt lol
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ASmith Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 10:48 am
I think men think if they are persistent they will eventually wear you down. It is sooo unfortunate and then when you snap you are labeled a “b*tch”
THIS!
I think this plays into why we sugarcoat things. It’s similar to the issue women have when walking down a street…
In some cases, you can’t win for losing.
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Peyso Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 10:51 am
The same thing goes for men, I’m an arsehole for saying I just want the beats and then I’m lying sack of sh!t when I sugar coat it.
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SoBKAllDAY Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 11:39 am
“The same thing goes for men, I’m an arsehole for saying I just want the beats and then I’m lying sack of sh!t when I sugar coat it.”
SMH! Chuuch like the pulpit.
Prime Example (w/the truth):
Male – ‘Girl I want to lick you from head to toe and teach you somethings to help make your life better’
Female – ‘LOL! Negro Please! (as she goes and tells her friends the ish this fool just said to her)
Prime Example (w/the sugar coating):
Male – ‘Girl I want to be the Barack to your Michele, give you beautiful baby boys & girls as we travel the world and uplift the community which surrounds us in our 5 bedroom house w/the two benz’s in front. How that sound to you?’
Female – ‘I think i’m in Love. Where do I sign up?’ (as she tells her friend, girl I’ve found the man of your dreams and mine)
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 11:16 am
Loves it!
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I’m a dense bastard. Any hint of disinterest will turn me off and any hint of “playing coy” will also turn me off. I can never decipher the two and as a result have lost out on quite a few catches and mostly likely saved myself some embarrassment.
At the same time, I’m guilty of being “too nice” so I’ve tried to make an effort to be more blatant.
I figure, I’m going to be an asshole either way. I may as well be an honest one.
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I’ve definitely been “too nice” in the past, and have had more than my fair share of stalkers because of it. I’m slowly getting better at just being direct and honest, as nicely as I can.
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But seriously, Miss J, you are over here writing my biography. But despite what some might think, being blunt with a guy is not always the best decision either. I have tried EVERYTHING to get 3 or 4 guys to just delete my number once and for all, and nothing works. There are guys from high school who still make occasional calls just to see if I’m in a weak or vulnerable state and suddenly interested. A couple of them are really nice, so I just keep the same “let em off gentle” game going on after all these years.
But a couple are just plain dillusional. I have actually told them: “I am not interested in you, and to be honest, I think you might be borderline unstable, so please stop calling my phone.” And after they flip out and call me a b*tch and tell me I aint all that and they can have a girl like me anyday, they wait a few months and text me to ask me how I’m doing and when are they gonna see me again? W.t.f. Now I’m not saying I haven’t ever called or texted a guy a couple times after he seems to have lost interest, but years?!?! Yeah, no. There is no logical plan of action to handle illogical people. I’ve learned to accept that. =/
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ASmith Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
But a couple are just plain dillusional. I have actually told them: “I am not interested in you, and to be honest, I think you might be borderline unstable, so please stop calling my phone.” And after they flip out and call me a b*tch and tell me I aint all that and they can have a girl like me anyday, they wait a few months and text me to ask me how I’m doing and when are they gonna see me again?
And… this is my story.
Had a guy pseudo-stalk me for almost 2 years. Almost all of our interactions ended in name-calling. He’d wait a few months and then try to get back at me like I’d forgotten a)that he was ufckin crazy and b) that I didn’t want him.
Some people just can’t hear anything but what they want.
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Its always been my understanding that women want men who are straight up, direct and play no games. My resolve is that if this is what you expect, then it is what you should deliver. Please don’t candy coat your true feelings with hopes that it will serve as a subtle hint. Men don’t get subtle hints…we see cracks and think WINDOW..we see windows and think DOOR.
Honestly, I think a good bit of it is just “the game”. Women, while probably not overly interested in said dude, do like the fact that someone is checking for them and thinking of a possibility of a real situation with them. Even if it is obvious that the woman would prefer being one of countless victims of another guy who has no intent on holding it down for her the way said Dude is desirous of doing (?).
None the less, keep it 100 with Ole Boy. Stalkers aren’t born; they are created by people who refuse to deliver what they expect from others…upfront, direct, honesty!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
Well said sir. Well said.
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
“stalkers aren’t born; they are created” i LOVE LOVE LOVE this phrase…that is so true…i am gonna have to steal that nugget!
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Debonair NUPE Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 6:15 pm
youre welcome!
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When Miss Jenkins told me I didnt pass the Charcoal test to be her boo, I caught the hint. My Spider Sense was tingling! I think some dudes just see what they want and act accordingly. Men too
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The Honorable Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Destined for Greatness Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
LOL…just won’t let Spidey go huh?
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Lionheart Streetz Jericho Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
#letmebegreat lmao
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i’ve always found that whether man or woman, 100% honesty is the best policy. i have told plenty of women in the past that i’m interesting in getting to know them, but i’m definitely not interested in a relationship. if they decided to pursue things, then noone can say i didn’t tell them or i wasn’t up front. *shrug* sometimes no matter how blunt or up front you are with a person, they still won’t get it or they’ll hear what they want to hear.
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Three ways fam, I just want to share with you what happened 15 minutes ago… Miss J I blame this on you for making me speak of the devil…
So the guy I was referencing earlier who I told straight up he’s crazy (over a year ago) and still calls/texts me, just 15 minutes ago sent me a text after I haven’t heard from him for at least 2 months…
“HEY MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN!!! How are you doing??? Been awhile…. Text or call me sometime. Miss you and your beautiful face.”
Did you tell him to do that or what?? I’m on to your brujeria, mujer!!!
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Lionheart Streetz Jericho Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Post the number
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I also have the problem where chicks dont take me seriously. Always think I’m joking when I was hollering. Y didnt they catch the blatant comments i just made?
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 25th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Good question sir. I’ve heard that before. Idk why that happens.
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It is IMPERATIVE that our actions match our words on BOTH sides of this coin. So fellas, if ya’ll don’t want a relationship with a female you absolutely can not lay pipe. Forreal, some women won’t agree with me but we can not handle a sex only relationship. No way No how. The female that can, used to be a dude so stay clear homie.
Ladies, if you are not interested in a dude don’t entertain him. PERIOD! Simple as that. I’ve done a lot of pity dates over the years and I refuse to put myself through that mess ever again. I know there are some dudes who refuse to see the picture you are painting for them but you have to be honest and most of all FIRM!! They can smell wavering a mile away. Shoot, I’ve been there…had this one guy who would always text and email me pics of his jank talking about “See what you do to me, I miss you” and other useless dribble. At first I would tell him to stop texting and emailing, but then I got wise and stopped replying altogether. It’s been almost a year and nothing. Thank God!
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