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No Baby. Not Shag. I Said Shack.
**Admin Note: We’ve noticed that the site has lacked estrogen-based posts for a bit because Ms. Jenkins has been out saving the world one text book at a time. In an effort to balance the site and show appreciation to our dedicated readers, we’re going to have a couple postings over the next week from the female perspective until the Woman of Three Ways returns. Today I’d like to introduce ladebelle, an increasingly popular blogger and co-founder of Rants of a Wild Child, that has been visiting our site for a bit and contributing to the jib jab on the regular. Read, enjoy, and comment! ~Slim**
To shack or not to shack… that is the question
so you and your boo have been going strong for some time now and you’re thinking that it might be time to make the MOVE. Not the move where he awkwardly puts his arm around you in the movies. But the move as in “let’s move in together”. Do you move in together and become what my mother so affectionately terms as “shackers” or do you continue to live separately while virtually living together?
To shack…
So you guys love each other and are in a nice, caring, healthy relationship and want to take it to the next step. I think that shacking is almost like a demo of what marriage would be like. It’s pretty much everything but the license, tax breaks, and discounts on car insurance right? Kinda, but not really… there are quite a few advantages and even some disadvantages to being “shackers”.
The advantages I think are the easiest. You share bills which means life becomes a little easier on your pockets (we’re in a recession people… we need every extra cent!). You share food so now there’s someone to eat all of the food that you so love to cook (or maybe it’s just me that loves to cook for an army). There’s now someone to share the chores with AND you get to see the person that you are having wet day dreams about as soon as you get home! As if it doesn’t get any better then this, you always have someone to cuddle with (for the mushy, cuddly people) and the “bizness” is always available (you know, the roll over tap-tap). The final thing is that it gives you the opportunity to see what this person is like from first thing in the morning till the last thing at night and everything in between.
There aren’t as many disadvantages but they can make you want to set the person you are now living with on fire be more detrimental to the health of your relationship. If you’ve decided to move in too quickly, you may get too comfortable. Guys, this means that you’re wearing your holey (non-Jesuslike) boxers, develop a beer gut, and stop romancing us. Dolls, this means that granny-panties are in full effect (no more sexy lingerie), our hips may expand to an un-cute width, and nagging of your man may commence. And if you’re the religious type, it’s kinda against what religions preach about.
Not to shack…
Ok… So although you guys are lubby dubby and what not, you want to do things the more traditional route. As with shacking, there are some advantages and disadvantages for the non-shackers.
One of the advantages to not shacking is that should guys decide that you don’t want to be together anymore, there’s no property dividing, moving out, finding new places or any of that because she can just burn all your things leaving you nothing to worry about except for your toothbrush and change of drawers you left at each others places. Another advantage is there’s a higher chance that the romance will stay there longer and there is still some level of courting. Also, if you guys get mad at each other, you can always go back to your place or kick them out.
As shallow as this sounds, one of the disadvantages to non-shacking is you still have to drive to get the booty. (yes… ladebelle does have a lil struggle with shallowness) Another disadvantage to this is that should you guys take the big leap into marriage, there’s a lot of things you have to learn about each other and some of these things can be deal breakers (like leaving toe nail clippings in the bed or finding out he’s really wearing dentures…ewww).
All in all, the decision to make is yours depending on where you anticipate the relationship heading. So great readers of Three Ways to Take It, which way would you want it?
xoxo
ladebelle
46 Responses to “No Baby. Not Shag. I Said Shack.”
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Good post. One thing I want to point out that could be a pretty big con for shacking up – there is no undo button. Relationships don’t have a reverse gear (and if they do, I haven’t found it). If you’re living together, you two have only two places to go from there (hint: neither of them are getting less serious). If you still have your own places, and things get a little rough, you two can give each other space, and try again in time. If you’re living together…no dice. They’re always there. Always. They don’t go anywhere. So if any changes are going to happen to your relationship you’ve either got to move out, or you gotta marry them. And if you move out, things are pretty much over.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 9:54 am
That’s a pretty intense point…eek.
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ladebelle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 10:09 am
yeah… it is a good point…
with my temper, i definitely need my own space… i’m not the lorena bobbit type (i have too much respect or desire for the wang) but i do have a “way with words”
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Steph Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:18 am
That is a really good point! Especially when people buy houses together, I’ve heard of ppl doing that and in the housing market we have now you’re pretty much doomed to live with each other even if it’s way past over.
I’ve never lived with someone I was dating, and I’m not sure how I’d feel about it. I personally am someone who enjoys alone time and need my space. But I do agree it’d probably be good preparation for marriage.
Needless to say, it’s definitely a huge step in a relationship so much thought would need to be put in and it definitely would be an easily breakable lease OR something I could afford on my own income in case things go bad.
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“You share food so now there’s someone to eat all of the food that you so love to cook (or maybe it’s just me that loves to cook for an army)”
No doll it’s me too.. and heated bc I always have to eat all the leftovers!!!!
I agree with you, shacking has it’s advantages and disadvantages and although I want to do it, to understand what life is like before the marriage, I don’t think I will.
I have a fear that the man will get to comfortable, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” and never marry me.
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Peyso who likes his burritos con queso Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I’ll move in and marry you, especially if you cook for an army. lol
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ladebelle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:06 am
yeah… my mom used to taunt me calling me a “shacker” and saying the same thing…
but then again, i think he’s the cow and i’m getting the milk for free (think about it… not too hard tho)
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Cheekie Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:36 am
“I agree with you, shacking has it’s advantages and disadvantages and although I want to do it, to understand what life is like before the marriage, I don’t think I will.
I have a fear that the man will get to comfortable, “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” and never marry me.”
Exactly my stance. I love the idea of shacking up being sort of like buying a giant workout machine from QVC for $19.99, trying it out for 30 days, then sending it back if it doesn’t “work out for you”.
Realizing that your man is probably gonna get too comfy and feel like he doesn’t have to man up with the ring just because ya’ll are living together is the equivalent of getting a $985 bill for the workout machine in the mail on the 31st day. Mad disappointment.
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When do ppl feel that they should move in together? I think it should wait til you’re engaged. I’ve heard ppl try to do the old school style and wait til you’re married and I’ve also said after 2 or 3 good months.
A marriage is like a car, you gotta test drive before you buy
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ife1love Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:22 am
I agree. All of my friends who made it to the alter didn’t shack up until after they were engaged. Most waited until 3 or 4 months before the wedding.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:29 am
i def agree with this… i dont think i’d be comfortable with living just a boyfriend. i think, for me, living together is only an option once we are engaged. during this engagement period, it is def worth getting to know what it is like living with your future husband before getting hitched.
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ladebelle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:35 am
lol… i definitely agree that marriage is like a car and a test drive is mos definitely in order!!!
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I’d only live with a chick before marriage if she promised to never booboo in the bathroom, not that she could anyway since women don’t do that.
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Intellectual Hedonist Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:28 am
LOL! Let you tell it!
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ladebelle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:35 am
exaaaaactly
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Cheekie Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
We don’t fart, either. And those that do, well, theirs smell like butterflies and roses.
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Peyso who likes his burritos con queso Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I spit all types of water all over the screen
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I lived with the ex for 10 years, (we were together for about 14). At year 2 we realized that we needed some space at times so we created “His” room, complete with his own bed and tv and crap, I was glad he had his own room. That was vital to our relationship.
Him having his room does not mean that we didn’t cuddle every night or sleep together every night, but every once in a while when either of us was too sick, or snoring too loud, or his 6′ 7″ frame took up too much of the bed it was so nice to elbow him and be like, um yeah you need to go sleep in your bed.
The definite pros:
Whenever either of us was sick there was always someone around to take care of you.
We are expecting 6-9 inches of snow tomorrow, so on days like tomorrow we would stay in and watch movies all day sitting around in sweats and doing other couple like activities which included spontaneous frolicking in the snow.
We were the romantic sappy types so there were days I would wake up to messages written on the bathroom mirror or cards on my car passenger seat or love notes anywhere in the house. It was wonderful.
Cons:
you get into a routine and have to work to keep it fresh.
Old school family will always look at you sideways
Advice:
Women: Don’t do it unless you have a ring on your finger and have set your date and put a deposit down on a hall. i.e. unless you are in the progress of moving it to the next step. IT does get very comfortable
Men: Don’t do it if you aren’t interested in taking it to the next step, we see shaking as a precurser to you “putting a ring on it”
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My mom didn’t live with her husband until they were married. They’re now divorced. I remember her saying she felt like she was living with a different person than the man she knew before. Things changed, and she couldn’t really deal with the way he lived, nor living with him for that matter. She said she’d never do that again.
I agree with the test-drive theory. Before I fully commit to buying, I need to make sure that the car I’m driving is one that I’m comfortable with and that compliments me and my driving style well. I feel similarly about saving the goodness for marriage: what if homeboy is a hot mess in that dept.? I’m supposed to be stuck with that foreva…foreva-eva? No, suh! Just to be clear…I wouldn’t live with a man before he committed to me in a BIG way, though (i.e., engagement).
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One of my family members has been living with someone for like 20 years. They ain’t married. Got kids and all that. The woman/shacker may cook occasionally. He may dabble in (yes in) other women, but not at the home. They still put both their names on holiday cards out to people. I wonder if he kicked her out if she would still get half?
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:46 am
hmm…does common law marriage still mean anything these days?
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ife1love Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:47 am
Depends on if they have common-law marriages in their state. I have a friend who almost got caught out there in a sitchu like that. She and her boyfriend have been together for 14 years. They’ve been living together for 12. They kept putting off getting married. They’d plan a wedding and then call it off. She sent me a letter asking me to be a jr. bridesmaid when I was… 15 or 16. I just went to their wedding as a guest two years ago. She called three months ago to say they were getting divorced.
I kinda thought that would happen cause I’ve known for years that he was useless, and for a while I was wondering why in the hell she went through with this wedding, but where she lives there are no common-law marriages, so had they have just broken up, she would have been left with nothing and as much as she’s done for him… she deserves 1/2… at LEAST. Since she went ahead and made it official, now she doesn’t have to worry about all that.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am
Yea, I have a cuz that did something similar. She’s been with dude for like 17 years. They have three kids and a house. When I got the invite to their wedding, I was confused. I just knew they were already married. I thought maybe they were renewing their vows or something, but nope, it was the real thing. The difference, though, is that the dude is pretty great. When I asked why they finally did it, they said they did it for health insurance and financial reasons. Otherwise, they’d have just stayed the way they have been forever. What’s even funnier is that she was the one objecting to the whole formality of marriage. Go figure.
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Intellectual Hedonist Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
I know in RI that would be seen as a common law situation and yes she would be entitled to half of anything that they built together, including back child support.
Before I approached the ex about breaking up with him, it took me 6 months to liquidate and close all of our joint accounts, including brokerage accounts, removing his name off utility bills and such. It was only after all of this was done that I approached him and broke it off. He doesnt know this but if he were so vindictive he could actually take me to small claims court and sue me for palimony since I was making more money than he. I did my research
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ladebelle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
lol… too bad there’s no such thing as common law marriage any more so nope, i doubt it!
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Joey Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
No, there definitely is. My brother has one such marriage in Texas. I think there are still about 10 or so states with a common law. It just varies.
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I can definitely see the pros but the huge con is I’ve never seen it work out for a couple that wasn’t already engaged. I have a friend who’s been shakin up with her man for about 5 years now. They decided to shack up because he had been relocated by his job and they weren’t liking the distance. They’d been dating for almost 3 years, so she put in for a transfer at work and they moved into an apt. 5 years later they’ve bought a house, but he has yet to buy a ring.
I had someone make me a pretty tempting offer a few years back. I hated my living situation and a good friend (with benefits) suggested I move in with him. He was on the road a lot for work and figured it would be a good trade off. I’d get out of my place and he’d have someone to watch the house and help out w/ the expenses and all that. He even bought a second car and offered it to me a bonus… yeah it just all sounded too good to be true and I respectfully declined his offer.
His response was “yeah, you’re probably right… we might end up married or something.”
That’s exactly what I wouldn’t want, to “end up” married. I want to marry someone because we truly want to build something special and share our lives, not because “we ain’t getting no younger we might as well do it.”
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Yikes! I almost died at the toenail thing.
I’ve shacked before, and I’m still trying to figure out what the hell. It was the best and the worst thing ever. And now I’m wondering if that’s why our relationship today is kinda messed up..
Damn now you got me all pondering this.
I’m sad now.
LOL
I digress… Great post! But of course we knew that would be the case. LOL Duh!
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I’m just old fashioned. Shacking is never okay. I think people make up pros simply to justify their behavior. My older sister shacked with her boyfriend (now husband) for about 8 years before they got married. I tell her all the time she is the queen of shacking b/c she just celebrated her 8th wedding anniversary. Despite her success with shacking I still think it is just a recipe for disaster. In my opinion if you are ready to live with someone then you you should be ready to get married. But then again I have never been close to that point with anyone so maybe I am just naïve.
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I think I am in strong support of “living together” but keeping separate residences. Basically she has all her stuff there and never goes home … but the day you get bored or you finally figure out she is crazy … then you just push her outside and you don’t have to feel bad that she will be living on the street!
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InsomniaPoet Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
LOL this is why shacking is never okay
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Peyso who likes his burritos con queso Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I agree, I plan on paying my own rent at my house but will chip in on the jawn’s utilities. That way when I’m ready to bounce all it takes is a phone call to Cablevision and ConEd and I’m ready to be out.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
December 19th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
smh @ “the jawn.”
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Southern Belle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I wholeheartedly agree with the above. If I lived with someone I’d be more likely to put up with things because I wouldn’t want to either put him out or be put out. That’s what marriage is for, that’s when you have to suck it up (pause) and deal. If I love someone enough to marry him, then I’d love him enough to understand his ways, simple. However, pre-precious stone nuptial agreement, I have to have my own space for the following reasons:
*Dishes in the sink: I can’t deal, I think of stuff growing in the standing water and I lose sleep. If he’s messy, I could work around that, but if he’s dirty then our relationship will need an enema.
*Physical presence: If he’s walking around all the time in my space, I’m probably going to want to have sex. Right now, I can’t be doing that, I’ve got goals to achieve. All the togetherness/boo-luvin’ is bad for my focus.
*Phone conversations: I need privacy when it comes to family and work, if I were ready to share all of that I’d exercise my Indian connection and have an arranged marriage.
*Closet crazies: People are crazy on the low, not like Jody from Baby Boy crazy, but crazy on some mental deception ish. That type of crazy comes out when they’re backed in to a corner and in predator mode: a result of not having their own space in a relationship.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
LMAO
i def agree with your second point… if my boo was around me all the time, i’d never get any work done.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
“*Physical presence: If he’s walking around all the time in my space, I’m probably going to want to have sex.”
Gurl, you ain’t neva lied.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
“Physical presence: If he’s walking around all the time in my space, I’m probably going to want to have sex. Right now, I can’t be doing that, I’ve got goals to achieve. All the togetherness/boo-luvin’ is bad for my focus.”
Eff that. U’ll want to have sex til you get that ring and then the bunz will slowly dissipate. We all know how this story goes.lol.
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Southern Belle Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
What kind of girl have you been shacked up with, Slim? The only time I hear that story is in the movies, because I don’t personally know a girl who shacked up and became that chick.
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Ironman Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
You speak the truth son. Hell, most girls don’t even wait for the ring. I’ve lived with more than my fair share of women, and the “I’ve got a headache” line pops up mad quick when they get comfortable
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I think this entry is a bit biased in one direction. So allow me to give the other side of it and be equally biased.
I think there are a lot more cons to shacking up than what has been stated. The first major one, which a lot of people have mentioned, is that many people who shack up never get married. If you have the desire to be married one day, shacking up will either prolong it indefinitely or take it off the list completely. If everything is just like a marriage minus the ability for the wife (or husband) to take half, what motivation does anyone have to marry you?
Furthermore, this whole “same ol sex” thing that happens to married couples after a few years will happen to you before you even walk down the aisle, and then who would want to marry used goods?
And to say you get to know someone for whom they really are before marrying them is like saying you’ll have a kid for a couple months before you decide whether or not to keep it. Marriage is not trial and error. You make the commitment to someone and stick with it despite their flaws and annoying habits.
One of the problems with our society, and the reason we have such high rates of divorce, is because there is this fine line between marriage and shacking up that has completely disappeared because people think both situations are just test runs. You move in with someone, it doesn’t work out, you move out. You get married, it doesn’t work out, you get divorced. Both decisions are huge and should not be made with such frivolity. That’s why shacking up is never a good idea. Because unless you’re planning on marrying that person (soon, like within the next year and the ring is already on your finger), un-shackling is just as painful as divorce.
And yes, the Bible gives pretty specific guidelines as to why this doesn’t work. But we all think we know better than God anyway, so………… yeah. I see the dilemma.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Wow. You’re awesome.
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InsomnaPoet Reply:
December 18th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
i love the word frivolity! great way to say what I think about it but couldn’t put into such eloquent words….
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Remi Reply:
December 19th, 2008 at 1:20 am
I totally agree with you Joey.
I had this same conversation with my boss one day and she told me never to “shack up” with anyone. She said she lived with her boyfriend, then they got married after law school, and ended up divorced shortly after. One of the reasons she explained was that living together as boyfriend and girlfriend is very different from living together as husband and wife. The expectations are different and things change. There is no “test run” for marriage. She told me the only way to experience marriage is to be married, there’s no practice. And I whole heartedly agree.
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I lived with my first love for a few years…at first everything was 50/50..then overtime he got real cozy and it became 95/5- kicked him to the curb, kept my apt & doggie accrued debt
…thru it all we are still friends.
I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything…
although i’m azz out now..i am a lot more focused & mature.
If you are considering shackin up..make sure you have $$$$ and goals of your own..so no matter what..you have that to fall back on.
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Great post! I’m not down for the signing 1 lease thing before there is a ring, a date set, and a deposit. I can stay at your place, and you can stay at mine, and we can have our separate space until the time comes. Not sure how I feel about this “test drive” thing. In theory its cool, but what’s to stop a man you’re engaged to from delaying things? And…if you don’t shack up before you two get married, and once you get married things fall apart, chances are, you probably knew about those things you couldn’t stand before you got married…
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