Attention Wh*res
There are so many different types of people that annoy me or piss me off. Sometimes I even manage to piss myself off. I don’t know how I do it, but I do. Okay, I’m lying. I know exactly how I manage to piss myself off. Happy now? Great. Contrary to the way I started off this post, it isn’t really about me. It’s about a certain type of person that has the ability to piss everyone else off—particular those who are just like them. This person is also great at garnering pity intentionally and unintentionally. This type of person comes in all shades, shapes, and genders. The genetic trait they have doesn’t discriminate. Your best friend may be one of them. One or all of your siblings may have the trait. One of your co-workers most definitely has it. You may even have the trait yourself. What am I talking about? Well, that’s easy. I’m calling out Attention Whores.
Attention whores, fortunately but more so unfortunately, are a necessary evil. Where would reality television be without them? Where would fashion be without them? Where would sunglasses in the club be without them (#dopeoplestilldothat?)? Where would the rant from your homegirl or homeboy about their friend or significant other be without attention whores? Life would certainly be a bit more boring, but I’d be willing to deal with that to save myself the stress and/or disdain that comes with dealing with an attention whore. In an effort to solve the ills of society one issue at a time, I’m going to highlight a few of the main types of attention whores out there. I won’t be using any fancy names. It’ll just be hard-body truth. I like the term hard-body (pause?).
The Cordial
You know the person who when you go to work on Monday or any other day of the week and they ask you how your night, day, or weekend was? The person who after you provide them with a short answer goes off on a soliloquy of sorts. They might as well be talking to themselves because you tune them out after a few seconds with a series of “mm hmm” and “that’s awesome” type replies. This is the person who you never want to ask how things are going unless you’re running to get on a bus or catch a cab. What makes this person an attention whore? Well, they’ll do this with every person they talk to even after explaining their life in front of a collective of the same people.
The Fashionist
No disrespect to any of the designers and fashion folk out there, but this is the type that is always dressed in glamorous or lavish attire no matter the circumstances. They rock designer everything even when they’re at IHOP. They don’t select clothing based on how much they like the items. They select clothing based on how people will respond to the items. This type of attention whore can be scantily clad or overly clad. They’ll use the excuse of “You never know who you’re gonna run into” for every situation where they’re the only person over or underdressed.
Too Cool for School
This type of attention whore is very subtle. They may appear standoffish, but don’t let this trick fool you. This is the shades in the club, nonchalant, and often “oozing with swag” type. They wear shades to appear cool and keep their eyes hidden. Because if you saw their eyes, you’d see them looking out the corner of them for attention.
The Center of the Universe
This may sound like every attention whore, but there is a difference. This person always has to be the life of the party whether it’s jokes or having to be the most vocal person in every discussion. They are constantly seeking validation. When that validation is lacking, you’ll usually find them vying for the #1 spot at whatever the event is regardless of the number of people there.
The Contradiction
This is the person who gets involved in activities and organizations not because they care about the cause or values of the organization, but because they want to be seen. You’ll find an overwhelming number of this type in frats, sororities, and churches.
Bloggers and Avid Aggressive Commenters
Yeah, we got it in us too.
So what do you think? Did I miss any types of attention whores? Did I mislabel a particular group? Do you know any attention whores now? And lastly, are you one at all?
May I Have Your Attention Please,
Why I love Steak and BJ Day
Everyday should be this grand
The gods of holidays and special occasions has given us such monumental fails as Groundhog Day, Columbus Day, and Festivus, but they definitely redeemed themselves and done mankind a service with this one. For those of you not familiar, March 14th has been designated as Steak and BJ day, and has come to be known as the male equivalent of Valentine’s Day. The history and founder of this holiday is unimportant and way too much work for me to look it up. There is probably a large segment of women that may be unfamiliar with this day, but men everywhere know about this day all too well, as though it has been ingrained in them since birth. Go ahead, say Steak and Blowjob day around the next man you see and watch his ears perk up and his eyes get real big like a happy puppy. Just make sure you don’t say it to the driver of your carpool while reading this on your phone, or you may not make it to work.
This holiday is a no brainer (Well actually…). It combines the two of your man’s classic favorites. It’s safe to say that this combination is more American than baseball and apple pie. At face value it may appear that all the perks of this holiday favor men only, but there are few a key advantages for women as well. For example, if you are a very *fellatious* woman, this is a great holiday for you. This is literally your time to shine. Also, this is one of the only gift giving holidays where you don’t have to put any thought into figuring out what he wants. Unless your mouth has been sewn shut, you’ve already got one of the gifts on your person, and depending on the last time you went grocery shopping you probably already have a steak in the freezer. No long lines, no last minute shopping, no more worrying about whether or not he’ll like it. Even a vegetarian would be hard pressed to turn down some Filet Mignon if he knew it came with a generous helping of fellatio.
A few tips for women who are thinking about participating in this joyous day. First, don’t stress yourself out attempting to deliver the Top and Top Sirloin at the same time. The thought of sopping up A-1 sauce with the last few pieces of steak while having your kids sopped up is rather tantalizing, but realistically there’s no way to balance a plate off the top of your head while it’s bobbing up and down and eat the steak at the same time, and more than likely even if there was a coordinated effort to make this happen, you’d probably end up washing steak sauce and bits of beef out your hair the next day. It’s a safer bet to let your man enjoy both of these delicacies separately.
Secondly, today would be a good day to attempt some new feats of fellatio previously unaccomplished. Swallowing, attempts at deep throating, hummers and “under carriage washes” are strongly encouraged on this blessed day. Who knows, you may discover a some new tricks you are fond of that you can add to your resume. Win-win for everyone. Lastly, don’t be limited by the fact that the words “Steak” and “BJ” are used in the singular form. Show some initiative…serve Steak and Eggs for breakfast, a NY Strip and Fries for lunch, and T-Bone and mashed potatoes for dinner with a big, juicy mouth job immediately following each meal. I suppose if “he ain’t your man” you don’t have to resort to full service, but then again, that’s probably why he’s ain’t your man. Think about it…
Remember, no matter how your man likes his steak, make sure the BJ is well done. And yes, I know I didn’t exactly explain why I love Steak and BJ day, but I didn’t think I actually needed to explain it. Should be self explanatory. Do you like Steak and BJ day? Is this the first time you’ve heard about it? If so, now that you know about it, you are obligated to participate. Those who know better, do better. Do better.
I’m writing about Jesus next week,
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