The Peachy Phase
There’s nothing like dating someone for a while (however long that may be) and realizin’ how much you like each other, then having that god awful wonderful talk and makin’ things official. You’ve introduced each other to your friends…perhaps even your families. You’ve been out mini-golfing or to the movie theater or to some nice casual and expensive restaurants. You’ve stayed the nite at each other’s place and screwed spooned as if there were no tomorrow. Sh*t, I mean who hasn’t been the self-proclaimed Colossus of Cuddle and/or Sultan of Spoon at some point in his or her life? I’m in the Guinness Book of World Records. Look me up!
But yeah, things are going great. If you didn’t rush into the relationship, you’re probably 4-6 months in and things still seem wonderful. But slowly and surely, you notice the smooth flight hits a little bit of turbulence. The other person starts doing things that get on your nerves, the cuddliness dissipates and only becomes relevant when someone wants to have sex or sex has just been had. You guys seem to be on the brink of an argument at least a couple times a week, but somehow it gets avoided because nobody wants to be the person to start the first real fight. You 2 have been on this path for months and have reached the brink of realness. Do you hear the dramatic music playin’? Do you feel your heart racing? There’s no denying it at this point…
You have reached the end of the Peachy Phase.
Sucks doesn’t it? I’ve learned from my own relationships that no matter what I do, it’s going to take a few months before I see who the real person is that I wifed up. Prior to having that talk, folks are just courting each other. Even after the relationship starts, it’s still a matter of courting and the constant euphoria that comes with finally winning that prize outta the vending machine. But as you each start to become comfortable, you let your guards down and show each other the real you. It’s unavoidable.
And as you try to stretch out that Peachy Phase, you’re doing little more than accumulating a list of variables that when mixed together can lead to an explosive and/or destructive argument. How y’all choose to bounce back from the end of the Peachy Phase just might be the first real test of the relationship. Running around holdin’ hands and puttin’ “I love you” messages on each other’s Facebook walls, or updating your status to show that you’re in a relationship with each other pacifies insecurity is the easy part for most folks. But when you and the bf/gf hit the end of the Peachy Phase, you’ll be challenged. And the longer you try to prolong the Peachy Phase and avoid the issues like John McCain during his presidential bid, the more difficult it’s going to be to transition to a real relationship. Seriously, I’m just bein’ real with you.
So now that I have this Noble Prize winning theory of the Peachy Phase, let’s talk about it. Anybody never leave the peachy phase and is now married? When does the phase usually end for you in your relationships? I’m curious and sh*t. Let’s get the week started! It’ll be peachy!
By the way, the picture at the top covers every aspect of this post. Ya just gotta think a little. Maybe I’ll start a series of Brain Teasers by Slim. Who knows? Prolly not tho.
-
- Help Us Grow! Subscribe!
your right I don’t call it the peachy phase I call it the representitive. his or her said representitive will present his or herself as who this person said they were until about 90 to 120 days into it all the newness wears off and off comes the mask and u see the real them!
the them that doesn’t like to clean up really doesn’t know anything abt miri ben ari but googled and downloaded her to impress u, could care less abt when the laundry gets done etc etc.
peachy phase aside I still love that euphric feeling but beyond the honeymoon phase…I bore easily.
Reply
The picture is so appropriate for the blog. =)
This post made me think about a quote from a book I read recently… The Five Love Languages.
“Covenant love is conscious love. It is intentional love. It is a commitment to love no matter what. It requires thought and action. It does not wait for the encouragement of warm emotions but chooses to look out for the interest of the lover because you are committed to the other’s well-being.”
I only gave the book 2.5 stars but it touched upon how relationships move from this “peachy phase” into a phase where “work” is required to keep the relationship strong and vibrant..
http://jawakatyma.wordpress.com/2008/12/15/gary-chapmans-book-the-5-love-languages/
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 10:00 am
The Five Love Languages book is making its rounds. I had it in the back seat of my car for a while…
Nothing sexual was happening in the back seat of my car.
Reply
You described it so well! The funniest thing about the Peachy Phase is that IS a true test of a significant relationship… I can think back on many relationships that didn’t make it once the fuzz of the peach faded (for me and for him). Either the arguments weren’t worth having or the arguments were too much to recover from. It is here that you are introduced to each other’s fighting styles, which can also be very telling and predictive for future fights. Is she passive aggressive? Is he a fault finder? Is she tit-for-tat? Does he completely shut down? Also, it is here that you are introduced to each other’s make-up styles. Does she play the cold shoulder out? Is he a kiss up when he knows he’s wrong? Does she try to pretend like it never happened? Does he need his ego stroked?
The Peachy Phase is fun, but what comes after can be much better if both parties are willing to pursue it.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Can’t remember if I saw this name before, but welcome to Three Ways (possibly again)! I didn’t think of the fighting styles, but that is something you’d definitely learn about the other person at this point…possibly to the detriment of thangs. Good comment!
Reply
Ahh the peachy phase aka the Honeymoon phase. I def think that this phase can last anywhere from 6mos – 1 year… it really depends on how often you are with your significant other. for me, i’ve been in mainly long distance “relationships”, so the peachy phase lasts a lot longer since we don’t see each other as much. but when ish hits the fan, it really hits the fan because we are already frustrated from not seeing each other as much as we’d like.
so yeah, that’s just my own personal experience… add’l comment may be appropriate for a post on long distance relationships =)
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 2:02 am
You are reading my mind…stay tuned for that one!
Reply
effin peachy phases… thats the ish that gets people caught up. i HATE the peachy phase.
all the peachy phase is your agent meeting with his agent and them talking about nothing that is either one of you.
i’m sorry, i digress… yes, i made it to and from marriage courtesy of the effin peachy phase.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 9:58 am
“yes, i made it to and from marriage courtesy of the effin peachy phase.”
I’m curious. How long was this Peachy Phase before you got married?
Reply
no longer bitter ladebelle Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
**cursing myself** we were together for 6 months before running off and secretly eloping… we were married for 1.5 years…
Reply
Ah yes, the peachy phase. Its cute and nice and all that. But when it ends, it can either mark the true beginning of the rest of the relationship, or just the beginning of the end whatever you two had. Depending on what event (e.g. an argument, a personal life issue, turning down a request to thronx, etc.) marks the end of the phase, and how you two (together and individually) handle it determines if there is really anything worth holding on to.
Reply
ChokLitFacory Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I always giggle when I see the word “thronx” Haha!
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
lol…silly goose.
Reply
RightCoastLexSteele, Global Cocksman Reply:
January 27th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
How the hell do you turn down a thronx request? That’s your job!
Reply
Hmmm that peachy phase. Me and a certain someone were there for about two weeks and it’s been hard as hell ever. since. then. I’m not worried though…I’m thinking the fact that we’ve both persevered and worked hard at this means a lot…
*sigh*
Reply
Er…so what if peachy time isn’t just a phase? And you guys are just so equally yoked that it almost seems too good to be true? Optimism, anyone? Yea.Right.
I hear the folk that are saying most people put on a front during the peachy phase—pretending to be something they’re not. I’d argue, though, that most people aren’t pretending and are, in fact, being themselves (just a heightened version).
Think about when you go in for a job interview: you’re not necessarily fronting, you’re just presenting your very best. Everyone wants to make a good first impression. So, we wear our power suits to work the first month. And we work mighty diligently on all assignments given to us, because let’s face it, we’re excited about this new job, and we want to do well. At the end of the day, your employer will know if you can get the job done or not, no matter how well you presented yourself from jump. If employers hired based purely on what was presented on the surface, well, all candidates would seem like the perfect candidates.
So my point here is this: Things are great at the beginning, because we’re genuinly happy—and maybe even infatuated—with the newness of what we think is greatness. So we’re more thoughtful and go above and beyond, not to be misleading, but because we’re on cloud nine and don’t know what else to do. But, then, some get too comfortable…and that’s when your job security becomes a little less secure. Then the employer has to wonder, did I screen this candidate properly? It’s a two-way street, folks.
Reply
Steph Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Nyela, you sound like a fellow HR Professional.
My thoughts exactly. I always compare job search/interviewing to dating.
Very well put comment, though.
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:36 am
You would say that.lol.
Reply
Steph Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Don’t pretend you’re not HR folk, too Slim.
The selection process is inately similar if you really think about it.
Reply
Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Thanks, Steph! I’ve indulged myself with quite a few HR discussions, so I have a bit of insight. I definitely agree the the selection process should be just as thorough as selecting a potential employee.
Reply
Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 27th, 2009 at 12:59 am
LMAO! “It’s about the possibility of the thang!” Nothing wack about that, sistah.
Reply
MaPockets Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
UGH! I loved every second of that response, NyelaGoodnessness! I so just sopped it all up with a biscuit!
Reply
MaPockets Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Is it wack of me to say that peachiness is “about the possibility of the thing”?
Reply
I remember my peachy phase with the boo…t’was a long time ago. It was a learning period for the both of us and I think we held back for a good year. After that all hell broke loose and we were at it over everything but you know what, it’s a relationship and it takes so much damn work but in the end it’s worth it. We’ve been at it for 7 years now and I agree with Jac, when you’re fighting toothe and nail to make it work then you really know everything will be “peachy” later.
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Hmmm…Interesting point. Is there a point when fighting tooth and nail becomes the norm, yet unproductive for the relationship?
Reply
I dont think the “Peachy Phase” is really a phase. I think it is always there. However, there are other things that present themselves after a while. When the “Peachy Phase” completely disappears the relationship is done. In a successful relationship there are things that, despite how angry you are with your SO; despite how much you hate that person right now, seeing him struggle to make breakfast or hearing her sing her little song is going to bring a smile back to your face. And then you enter the Peachy phase again.
I hope this made sense b/c it did in my mind.
Reply
ChokLitFacory Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:24 am
This makes the most sense to me Peyso, if there is no return to the Peachy Phase, then you both remain bitter and miserable, and then whats the point? I think to have a successful relationship, there has to at least be a Peachy Phase and there must be a return to it, as often as possible.
Reply
Southern Belle Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I think this is true.
“When the ‘Peachy Phase’ completely disappears the relationship is done.”
When a relationship becomes complacent, I think it’s time to wrap up the show. I agree with Choklitfacory that the peachy phase should be revisited as often as possible, so in a solid relationship I don’t think that phase ever cycles out. When the phase really does go away though, “mysteriously”, as in the relationship just isn’t going to work anymore, I think the blame falls in the lap of either partner. Happiness, even in relationships, is a perspective. If you find that all your relationships are unsuccessful leech-like catastrophes that drain you emotionally, maybe it’s your perspective that needs to change. ::ehem:: SLIM!
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Pessimism keeps me pleasantly surprised Ms. Belle. I hope for the best, but expect the worst. That limits my opportunities for major disappointment.
And after a few failed relationships, I’d say it’s more so my selection criteria that needed change as opposed to my perspective.
Reply
Peyso from the Brook Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Dont worry my SouthernBelle, things will ALWAYS be Peachy between me and you
Reply
Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
Great point, Peyso! I think it’s up to the parties involved to make sure the peachyness in the relationship never fully goes away. Whatever gave each person the initial butterflies should be a recurring thing…unless it was just a facade in the first place.
Reply
Don’t feel like writing 3 different responses to comments, so I’ll just write this one…
The peachy phase does have an ending, cuz at this point yall start dealin with the real issues of the relationship. Assuming you guys can deal with the real stuff, you’re then in the real relationship which will have it’s ups and downs. So when an employer hires somebody for a 90 day probationary period, they know there’s a chance the person they brought on board may have just put on a good show. So within that 90 days, they see if the person really is the person that they hired. If so, great. If not, that sux. Terminated. Regardless, the person is going to be tested at some point and how they respond will determine where their career goes. It’s very similar for people in relationships.
Reply
Steph Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Spoken like a true pessimist. haha.
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I must concur with Mr. Jackson. If they can’t handle the test, the future of their employ (or their staying power in the relationship) is not looking too bright and shiny.
Reply
My best indicator that the peachy phase is comin to an end is when I no longer get excited about seeing that special someone. Not when Im dreading them coming around, that indicates the end, but when the butterflies stop.
Reply
Seattle Washington Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 11:48 am
That’s bound to happen eventually. Only so long you can eat Filet Mignon without getting sick of it.
But do you think those butterflies can come back?
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
I never get sick of eating steak. ::Pause intentionally omitted::
I sure do hope the butterflies can come back. At least intermittently. If not, that’s lame, and may be a sign of a boring relationship. No, it won’t be peachy and all sunshiney all the time, but you gotta keep doing the little things that make a relationship with that person special. If not…creep creep creep.
Reply
Brooklyn's Own Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
An issue for Tiff to take a look at…
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?em=&pagewanted=all
Reply
Nyela Goodness Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 6:28 pm
“If not…creep creep creep.”
smh.lol
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Thanks? That article was too long to read in one sitting…but what I read was…interesting…?
Reply
Ziggy Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
most def those butterflies can come back, and if he’s a good one… they usually do =)
Reply
The fear of leaving the peachy phase is what always keeps me from transforming a PGF to a GF. In the back of my head, I know I’ve only met the representative … and I need some more time to find the real her.
Problem is … by time “she” comes out … I’ve already lost interest. *sigh*
Reply
Ziggy Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
ummph, you hit it on the head! I have that same fear of a PBF getting too comfortable once he becomes the official “BF”, then I loose all those benefits I got when he was just the PBF.
Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
yeah word…folks start acting all brand new and what not….
Reply
what if you never make it to the peachy phase because you dont have a girl to be peachy with…im so lonely and vday is coming up…and what if your life is just meaningless one night stands with print models and c list actresses…is that peach fuzz?
Reply
Slim Jackson Reply:
January 26th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
Umm, if you’re enjoyin’ that lifestyle I’d say it’s pretty damn peachy.lol. You’re living a completely different type of Peachy Phase. One that’s full of erotic pleasure. Just hope your piece doesn’t fall off or that you end up wearin’ a turtle neck condom. Both of which could really eff up your life. lol
Reply
I swear still observe a slightly chilled out peachy phase still going with my parents who have been married for over 26 years. By slightly chilled out I mean they may not be doing as much “thronxing” as they used to do (BLECH!!!! @ the thought!), but they still are the best of buddies, I can count their major arguments that I know of on one hand! I also believe the Obamas still have peachy phases after more than 16 years of marriage. Hey, I think there are some folks that never ever leave it. I guess that’s what they call soulmates. Hope I can get one of those. It’s major on my wishlist this year.
Reply