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Please Leave Your Baggage At Home
Women are constantly accused of dragging around their faux Louis Vuitton luggage packed full of emotional issues from man to man and relationship to relationship. I am guilty of said behavior. Most women are, at some point or another. The man on the receiving end (and probably the creator of issues for someone else) complain of being held responsible for things he did not do. (See Usher’s “His Mistake”). While I am not saying this behavior is right or wrong, I will attempt to shed some light onto why it kinda is what it is.
We are products of our experiences.
Women are emotional beings. We love. Then, we lose the love. Dammit. And usually, we love again. For some of us, if this happens once (or four times), we start to build a wall. Instead of externalizing our hurt as anger or loose free spirited behavior, we are designed (socially and otherwise) to bottle it up. ::enter bitterness, stage right:: And I may get some slack for this, but let’s call it what it is. After being hurt, rejected, neglected, mistreated, or some combination of those, it is not uncommon for a woman to take her feelings out on the next guy. To her, he has the potential to be just as shady to her as the last, so why not? Instead of staying away from dudes altogether, we get close enough to gain some fringe benefits, while doubting the man we are dealing with.
Its okay to be guarded.
Its a natural human reaction. Picture this: Someone tries to punch you in the face. If you’re not expecting it, you might not duck. And now, you sucka, you get hit. You feel the pain, and your eye starts turning black. I bet you next time someone throws a punch your way, you will try to either protect your face, or punch back.
Like the unexpected eye jammy, you often aren’t prepared to duck love. If you experience the pain that results from love once, or a few times, you are likely to be defensive and proceed with caution when a new guy comes along looking like he wants to pull you back in the ring.
Why is baggage is a problem?
I’m glad you asked. Because it keeps you from getting new stuff. When you go on a trip, you can pack in one of two ways: 1) You can stuff your flimsy luggage til the zippers burst. Sure, you’ll have some good memories when you get back home, but those are lame, or; 2) you can leave room to put the new stuff you buy on your trip.
If you go into your new relationship so full of crap pain and issues from the last one, there is a good chance you won’t gain anything of value. This is not to say all the value will be good and fluffy, but if you are too closed up, you’ll miss the significance of the experience either way. Leave some room for opportunity.
The Distinction
By no means am I suggesting that you let your guard down 100% the minute you have a new boo. That would be silly. However, instead of projecting your defenses and pains onto the man, turn them inward, and guide your behavior according to them. By this I mean, don’t hold him accountable for something he hasn’t done yet. Protect yourself without punishing him. It can be done. Don’t assume he is going to do wrong by you, until (if at all) he gives you a reason to do so.
For the fellas too…
I know I started this with a gendered approach. However, men are guilty of the baggage issue too. It just plays out differently. When men get hurt, or close to being hurt, they have been known to get all macho, and turns off anything resembling emotions. I’ll just say: try to not be so afraid to try it again. Although I know men are weaker than women emotionally speaking, so whatever.
Sowhatiff “I only rock with carry-on Gucci” Jenkins
12 Responses to “Please Leave Your Baggage At Home”
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Well, here’s my approach on love and personal baggage.
I think that when we tend to give our pain too much power. Pain is an emotion, and like any other emotion it’s temporary and a necessary part of life. It can’t be avoided. You feel it, it hurts and then you move beyond it. Being hurt is a part of life and the more we fear it, the more experiences we deny ourselves.
I’m not saying that as women we should be all reckless with our emotions. I do think, however, that we are often stronger than we think we are.
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everyone has baggage is when you get to that vacation, how much ru unpacking and putting into hotel dressers, how much is coming straight out the suit case when you need it and how much was just packed in the bag just in case?
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i am a full time baggage-carrier (both literally and figuratively)…. yes, I’ll admit. But I like to say that I keep my baggage in a compact, carry-on baggage, only bringing along what I think is necessary/important. With that said, I totally agree with the idea of internalizing all the pain, mistrust, etc etc and letting those things guide your actions instead of taking it out on the next dude. i guess i’ve learned over the years that even though one dude hurt me in some way, it may not have been 100% his fault… I have to take some blame for it, too. and, it’s def not fair for the next guy to suffer for someone else’s mistakes. i would say that once i (or we) realize this, we’ll be able to shape up and prepare for the next relationship (and/or fling).
i’m a strong proponent of repairing yourself first before moving on to the next one, otherwise you’ll be heading down the same effed up path.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
November 19th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Word up…you gotta heal yourself before you can move on.
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What’s good with folks today? I can see tumble weed in the streets…
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Does it count as baggage if you just don’t trust these females anymore?
I’m open to stuff … just can’t trust these scantankerous females out here.
lol … but really I too fall into the baggage category. Bad experiences with the crazy, jealous, and selfish have made me slow to commit.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 19th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
Bad experiences have led me to a life of crime and alcoholism. I’ma have a A&E special soon.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
November 19th, 2008 at 7:14 pm
LOL @ scantankerous!
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Props for this SoWhatiff. Women in the past have had so much stuff I find myself with a few extra bags now. I’ve ended the relationship just due to this issue.
I feel you, Single, I’m doing the solo thing for now simply because the trust in females needs some time to recover.
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I am a bag lady in transition..I have been hurt and deceived but I have in turn broken a few hearts and been the deceiver..in my current relationship I made sure to start fresh…no exaggerated stories about myself, no other rebound brother candidate on the side- I’m actually taking this seriously. I can’t tell you how many tears it has taken before I got to this point of satisfaction and security..but it was worth all the bawling.
To all the singles out there..it (love?) will come your way when you least expect it..until then I toast to you..red or white? RED OR WHITE
Get me out of this office… please help SOS………..
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 19th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
I’ve been in my office watching the clock and braiding my beard for the last half hour and I still have an hour to go….
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I’m a newbie….hello:)
I totally feel u on this post..and agree with protect w.o. punishing..which is easier said than done but if a person who has been hurt b4 wants to get into a stable healthy relationship that have to put in that effort to give the new person a tru chance.
I’ve nevr had my heart broken but i have been dissapointed by too many guys…so now when i meet sum1 new i think “how u gon F up too”…but I’m tryin to get outta this mindset evn tho its hard.
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