Feeling the Pressure
Po' Thang...
Let me set the scene:
You meet a man at some event or another, and yall hit it off. He’s handsome, respectful, and can hold an engaging conversation. You exchange contact info. He is single, has a good career, no kids, and seems to be looking for something more than a cut buddy. **fast forward three months** You two have spoken practically everyday, and you know a fair deal about him. You’ve been out a bunch of times, and have had fun each time. But…something just doesn’t feel quite right.
If you haven’t guessed it, this has happened to me. The man was cool, but I wasn’t really feeling him like that. Because I tend to be guarded, and he seemed super interested in getting to know stuff about me, I wasn’t sure what was what. Was I honestly not feeling him, or was my uncertainty about opening up to someone keeping me from liking him? After much back and forth, I realized it was more about the chemistry between the two of us than anything else.
Part of me felt obligated to continue to let him pursue me because he seemed to be a good man, and one that many woman would be interested in. Plus, it felt nice to have some one pay attention to me, call me in the morning, text me at night, or check on me after had a bad day – I didn’t want to give that up right away. At the same, all the interest in “getting to know me” freaked me out. Like, do we have talk about super in-depth things all the time? No, I don’t want to tell you all my fears and what not today. Fall back homie.
Before I gave him the “I’m not looking for anything serious,” talk, I felt a little bad. Here I am, a single woman, being pursued by this fine, single man, and I’m chucking him the deuces. Thinking about the alleged drought in the dating pool for single Black women, at times, I felt obligated to give him a chance. When I felt that the chemistry was off, I’d say “maybe he’ll grow on me,” or “maybe I’m just being too guarded.” I had to shake some sense into myself and not think about what every other woman would want, and do what was right for me.
Just because he’s here right now, doesn’t mean he’s the right one.
This is what I had to keep telling myself. Just because the man is here today, doesn’t mean he needs to stay around. If you’re not compatible, you’re not compatible. While he may look good on paper, follow your intuition and be real with yourself. Once I *exited stage left*, I felt a million pounds lighter. But now he calls me “cold.” Ah well.
He won’t be the last man to fit the bill.
I know this has been something that has sorta stopped me in my tracks while dealing with some men. I’d get so caught up in thinking about what may or may not be in my dating pool future, that I was tempted to settle for what was in front of me. Not a good look. At. All. (Black) Women like to complain about what kind of man they can’t find, and how hard it is out there for a pimp well educated, career oriented women. While this may be true to a degree, the man right in front of you at this point (whatever that point in your life is) isn’t necessarily the dude you will or should end up with til death do you part. He’s probably not going to be the last nice guy you meet with good benefits and no kids. Keep hope alive.
Has anyone ever felt like giving a dude a chance, just because he was nice guy? Have you ever felt bad about letting a good one slip through the cracks? Have you ever thought about the “plight” of other single women when thinking about giving a dude the “Its not you, its me,” talk? Fellas and ladies, is chemistry the only thing that makes or breaks the beginning of a relationship? Or can people “grow on you?” What’s the cut off point? Speak on it.
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I have given a few guys a chance in the past because they were nice and we had a few things in common, but there was no chemistry and I felt very uninterested in them. I was also turned off by how much they would call me when I made it clear that I didn’t like talking on the phone very much.
Some guys like to get all up in your personal space too fast or they don’t have what it takes for you to feel open with them. Even when you show no interest they keep pursuing, which makes you want them even less.
I’m not so sure about the whole “People can grow on you” speech. It just doesn’t work for me because I know what I do and don’t like right away.
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Toni Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:53 am
“I’m not so sure about the whole ‘People can grow on you’ speech. It just doesn’t work for me because I know what I do and don’t like right away.”
Totally agree.
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I understand completely where you are coming from. I just feel like if there is no real chemistry between two indivduals EQUALLY then its not going to work. My roommate said to me ” your suppose to marry the one who loves you, even if u dont love him the same way because he will always treat you right”
What kinda bull is that. I refuse to think that I cannot find someone for me who loves and adores me the same way I do him. Another friend told me ” you need to change your preception of what love LOOKS like” referring to the fact that I only date black men. But theres no way im changing that because I love black men, and thats who I want.
This dating/relationship game is tough…and is it just me but dont the counter” white people”parts seem NOT to be having as many problems with it. I mean damn even the chicks in Sex and the City was getting it in regularly with dudes..having relations and relationships frequently.
Your guess is as good as mines on this one..your not alone in this!
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LaLa Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:11 am
oh btw…congrats threeways on your tee shirts and such..big move, nicely done. dont know if thats new or not but i just discovered it. good job!
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Renee Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:30 am
” your suppose to marry the one who loves you, even if u dont love him the same way because he will always treat you right”
Interesting quote, I can’t really wrap my head around the thought of 2 people being in a relationship where one is significantly more in love than the other.
I’m getting really close to being down with the swirl lol, its valid advice. The biggest roadblock for me is that my babies won’t look like me. But why limit yourself? of course I would only do it if I had a true connection with this man, not just to give it a chance.
I use to think the same about white people, but now I have good white friends and I can’t really say they have it much easier.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 7:41 am
” your suppose to marry the one who loves you, even if u dont love him the same way because he will always treat you right”
Older black women have said something similar to this to me and my friends…
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ASmith Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Your first friend’s advice is off to me. I agree with Renee. I can’t fathom the idea of being in a long-term relationship with someone who loves me significantly more than I love them. Nothing about that sounds like happiness for anyone.
White folks date very differently from black folks, I’ve found. I can’t really qualify that statement more; it’s hard to put into words, but it’s very different.
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Brookland's OWn Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:45 am
“White folks date very differently from black folks, I’ve found. I can’t really qualify that statement more; it’s hard to put into words, but it’s very different.”
Well allow me to add some clarity to your statement!
White folks dating = Thronxing, Fucc!ng, BJ’s along w/occasional Alcohol and Blow
Black folks dating = Night out on town w/Female asking, WHERE WE GOING? HOW WE GETTING THERE? YOU PAYING?
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ASmith Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:49 am
LOL. I actually had something very similar for white folks typed out to clarify and then changed my mind, because I couldn’t figure out what the black antithesis was.
But yeah, white folks don’t need a whole lot… not saying black folks need too much, but white folks need like nothing. Beer and some sort of sexual interaction and it’s ::golden::
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Pass di Kushempeng Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:27 am
And not that chalky blow either…that good good.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:35 am
I can’t feel my face!!!
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I once mentioned to a male friend that I was going out with a new guy and he wasn’t really my type but I was going to “Give him a chance”, I got an awful reaction. My friend had issues with it because he felt I was saying I was better than this guy or that I was doing this guy a favor by “giving him a chance”. When I think about it though, if I’m not excited to see you or hear from you, then there really is no reason to date you, even if he looks good on paper. I’ve been letting go of the random dating style of my youth and making more thought out decisions. I really don’t go on dates if I haven’t had a few good conversations with a man, if we don’t click mentally I just stop answering their phone calls/ calling them, in my mind I’m saving him from wasting his time on something that isn’t going anywhere.
I think chemistry is the thing that makes or break the beginning of a typical relationship. If you start off as friends or co-workers you may become romantic later. But if a man approaches you on a purley romantic level, then chemistry is all there is to go off. Sometimes I wish a man could really approach me on a more relaxed level, let the pursuit chill for a bit and just hang as friends but I tend to get so annoyed when I go on dates with men and they spend the evening listing off accomplishments, talking about work, name dropping, talking about their frat, money, stocks, ect… its so weird and impersonal, at that point im likely to tune out and lose interest. But I can’t help but think this guy is probably a cool person in regular life but may suck at dating. I wish we could keep these guys as friends but once you reject a man, chances of you and him being friends are next to impossible.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:09 am
“Sometimes I wish a man could really approach me on a more relaxed level…But I can’t help but think this guy is probably a cool person in regular life but may suck at dating.”
Wise words from a Decent woMan.
Sometimes the best game, is having no game. B/c your game aint that good if people know you are kicking it.
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I definitely feel where you are coming from. I just was in a situation with a guy and had to give the “let’s be friends” speech the chemistry just isn’t there, it aint there. I had thoughts that I need to calm down and maybe eventually he would grow on me but I was kidding myself. I don’t regret my decision though because I feel I spared both our feelings before it went further and got crazy.
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I’ve been there too. I have never gotten to a 3 month mark though. With that time frame, I am liable to catch some feelings…
I try to nip it in the bud within the first few outings. Deep conversations are wonderful – Do NOT take them for granted. But if we can’t play lazer tag together… I know its not going to work.
One way to get over some of the guilt is to pass dude on to a deserving friend who you feel can appreciate him. Maybe one day she’ll return the favor.
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I’ve never given a guy a chance just because he’s nice because I haven’t met a guy that was extremely nice. My current S.O is the first.
I don’t think you should feel bad or second guess yourself for acknowledging that he’s not possessing the chemistry you desire. It’s over for allowing someone to grow on you…
I think we (black women) do get scared of what’s left in the dating pool, but I think it’s an unrealistic fear brought on by family (when are you ever getting married?), girlfriends (always bytching about ‘there ain’t no men out here’), and media (statistics on black men in jail, etc.)
I think who is meant for you will be truly for you and you won’t have any doubts about it.
Kick this one to the curb and let him go find who he’s meant to be with and you do the same… No need for clouding up your blessing with the unneccesary.
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I’ve been there, Miss Jenkins. I’ve been there. I’m there right now. At this point in my life, I don’t care about giving a guy a chance. I know within the first date or 2, sometimes the first few hours, if there is anything beyond physical attraction b/t me and the dude. For me, if a man can’t understand I don’t want to go out Saturday night b/c there is a big Buckeye football game on ESPN at 8(unless we go to a sports bar to watch the game), then there really is no future for us. The same goes for Sunday. I don’t ask for much.
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CHeeKZ thinks if your conference has a losing Bowl Record you should lose you automatic BCS bid the next year Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Why watch the buckeye game… if its a big game you already know they are going to lose, unless its some equally overrated Big Ten Team.
Word to Troy Smith.
**my roommate went to Michigan.**
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N.I.A. is too sexxy for her shirt... Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Muck Fichigan!!!!
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The Award Winning RightCoastLexSteele, Pass di Kushempeng Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:19 am
You love watching football and can’t find a man? You must live in ATL.
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Good post Sistah Jenkins.
As I was reading this, I couldn’t help but to think of the “Nice guys finish last” saying. I also thought about all the women I’ve counseled over the years that have gotten involved with a dude that clearly wasn’t a match for them but they found some redeeming quality (99% of the time it was that he was easy on the eyes or he had “an amazing personality”) to keep them around as the women tried to grow into liking the dudes…or change them.
I’m trying to balance your perspective and that of the women who read this site vs. a lot of other women who are willing to settle on a whole different level or they’re still going after the “rough around the edges and sometimes a jerk” type. It’s very interesting to say the least.
I do believe that people can grow on you though. I mean think about it. When you’re younger (a relative term), you go after one type while the type that you really want is a friend or someone you already know. As you mature, you start to realize this. Eventually you and this person who has been there all along who you thought you’d never be interested in seems appealing. He puts his piece in. You moan. Then boom, you’re in a relationship.
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nyhoop Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:01 am
“Eventually you and this person who has been there all along who you thought you’d never be interested in seems appealing. He puts his piece in. You moan. Then boom, you’re in a relationship.”
Slim, you’re so silly! lol
I think people who end up “growing” on you, or you eventually build up feelings for are people that you already have a great friendship with. I think that is very different than the person you meet randomly who is looking for something more from the start.
Now if that person you just met perhaps didn’t put that kind of pressure on you, and then overtime something did spark, I think that is understandable. But once you’ve already tried to attempt a relationship and it failed, I don’t think there is any amount of time that will reverse that…
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Yeah, I agree. I was thinking about the “growing on you” thing is more about someone you don’t really like from jump, or think you do and find out otherwise, versus knowing someone and as you mature, finding more likable traits about them.
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Nyela Goodness Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Yea, I agree. I had that happen. I was great friends with this dude for like four years and never really saw him as anything more, initially. Then BOOM, he grew
inon me, then BAM . . . relationship.I can’t imagine that happening with someone who’s not a friend and just tryna holla from the onset.
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I constantly fall into the trap lately of trying to stay with a guy because he’s sweet, or we work so good on paper. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I had some really bad experiences with “bad guys” so I feel the need to give nice guys a chance before I wind up alone. I’m trying to work on that because there is no sense to being together, unhappy, and annoyed when I can be single and satisfied.
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“how could she be so cold…” (c) Maxwell.
I agree that if you don’t feel the chemistry, its best to chuck the deuces. I have also been guilty of trying to “wait it out” and see if sparks fly if he’s really a good guy…but you can only do it for so long. And yes, people do grow to love folks, but you gotta like something about them enough to love! in my opinion, anyway. Just having a good job and good looks isn’t enough for me. I don’t know, sometimes it just depends on the guy. And in your case Miss Jenkins, this guy isn’t THE guy.
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I think there are legitimate attractions and attractions that are created.
Legitimate attractions are the ones where the chemistry is there from “hello.” There is an equal level of physical, emotional, mental and sexual attraction between both parties.
Created attractions, on the other hand, can become legitimate over time but they take a LONG time and usually involve one person working hard at it with the other person sticking around because they “feel like they should…”
I think people can grow on you. Sometimes all it takes is a little pursuit on the other person’s part, but I also think that when a person says “I’m not attracted to you like that…” you have to respect that, fully and completely. Hell, I think you should respect yourself when you realize you’re not attracted enough to that person to go forward like that. It’s a waste of everyone’s time.
“I should want to be with you, but I don’t…” ::shrug:: ’tis the way things are sometimes.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Word. I like the legitimate vs. created attractions distinction.
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PYTJD Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
I wonder which attraction last longer..and which is a building block of a good relationship…hmmm.
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I think we’re programmed to like the nice guy. I have to remind myself that this is not true in all cases. Life is short, and we have to live with decisions we make. Who wants to live a life based on what could possibly happen and it never does?? That’s a lot of wasted time and happiness.
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Reecie Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:53 am
I think we are programmed to like the bad guy, but after he effs you over, you try to make yourself like the nice guy. LOL
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Anger Management Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Co-sign
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Yup, been there. I didn’t get the “butterflies in my stomach” feeling.
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I agree. While I don’t think chemistry can sustain a relationship alone I think its necessary to start a relationship. My freshman year of undergrad I had this dude who I really tried to date but it was like hanging out with my brother.
I was like he’ll grow on me. He’s black and like black women and at my school that was historic within itself. But alas, I just couldn’t do it no matter how hard I tried. I found myself avoiding just so I didn’t have to talk.
I believe that it isn’t fair to continue a relationship with someone that is feeling you a lot more than you are them. End the end I think I was better off, he found someone he really liked (he’s engaged) and I found someone that was a much better fit.
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Look… other than the fact that she doesn’t like Trains, I know nothing about Miss Jenkins hump life.
But in general I’m not feeling this nice guy finish last. Believe it or not I use to be a nice guy (I know hard to believe). I use to write love letters and by flowers… listen to girls talk and just spoon without trying anything. I thought I could just behave and do all the Borris Cujo type things and that would lead me to the buns. However it was not to be… no buns where in sight.
Than I got with a sick-tight-click and we watched as unsmooth upperclassmen with way less flair and swag (R.I.P. http://www.threewaystotakeit.com/memoriam-swagger/) than me bag the same hunnies. On came the CHeeKZ we have all come to hate and also the Buns.
But I’m not the point to the story. The story is the girls I use to over pursued all ended up alone. Believe me I don’t want those girls. I got CHeekie and that is all I need (with a little Joey on the side). But I’m sure those girls made a mistake, not just with me but men in general b/c they were blinded by their thoughts. As often as Miss Jenkins hates on Emo dudes.. maybe she is meant to be with an Emo dude. Same with Lala and white men. Don’t be close minded.. you aint Jesus (b/c he wasn’t god either) you don’t know who you have chemistry with… sleep with everyone you can.
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N.I.A. is too sexxy for her shirt... Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:53 am
… sleep with everyone you can.
absolutely…NOT!
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Skeptical Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Cheekz it’s really hard for me to believe that you wrote love letters and all that gushy stuff. LOL
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Cheekie Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Actually…same here. lol
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Lol. This is not about nice guys finishing last. I heart nice guys…I just don’t like nice guys that I don’t like..ya dig? Just like I don’t like bad guys I don’t like. Can’t just be liking dudes just because they fit into a general “type.” That kind of thinking is what put light skinned dudes out of style.
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Ms. Jenkins -
I had a big sigh reading this… Sigh because I found this “ideal” man 3 years ago coming out of a bad relationship, and I had to let him go after 9 months. The first problem was (aside from not being over my ex) I ran all over him. Like my e-sancho says, nice guys really do get walked all over and taken advantage of. As humans, we tend to do whatever we can get away with. It makes us the bigger person when we see it happening and walk away instead of milking it.
Second, as the little profound girl on the Miseducation album (damn, I miss you, L-boogie… Damn you Marley boy!!!) said, “what sounds nice may not be right for you.” Just because someone looks good on paper doesn’t mean they’re the best choice. Job, education, no kids, Christian, etc may seem ideal, but at the end of the day, the man for you might not be so pretty on paper. We can’t hold ppl’s past against them, and while job and Christian might be the bare minimum, you may find with experience that the man you spend the rest of ur life with might come in a less shiny package (kid(s), technical school, etc). What God has for you, is for you (and forget what it looks like to anyone else).
Third, perfect = boring. Yeah, I can think of 3-4 men who would love my dirty draws, make a good living and take care of me and our (only) 6 kids, and wash the dishes. But they’re also men who will focus on their career over our love, choose logic over passion, and guarantee me a life of boredom and lack of fulfillment. I’m not saying go be with some thug or athlete bcuz he’ll be good in bed and keep you guessing… I’m saying we (minority) women should open (not lower) our standards to include other things besides the basics. If we add love, passion, protection, emotion, priorities, time, faith, and spirituality to the list, then a man is more likely to cover the 75% rule and we might just find our shining prince (in not-so-shiny armor).
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*sigh* I find myself in this situation so often. It sucks when you find a guy who is not facially challenged and looks good on paper as well, but there is just no spark. I often times just keep it going just to see if it could possibly lead somewhere, but in the end I’m doing us both a huge disservice. Then i start questioning myself wondering what is wrong with me because this guy seemingly has everything that I am looking for, and tons of other women would want him…but why am i so over it? Am i being too picky? Should i just suck it up? I mean he has everything i am looking for but i am just not feelin him…I have no desire to talk to him on the phone nor see him all the time.
I notice that when i continue to talk to these young gentleman, my disdain for them starts to grow. All the little phone calls start to irritate me, and i keep coming up with excuses to not see that person. Maybe what it is that i am looking for isn’t exactly what it is that i need or should be looking for…now that’s confusing…
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WOW..Miss Jenkins..you hit the nail on the head! I’ve been feeling this way for months! All of my friends would keep telling me that I was too picky. But as you stated, the chemisty has got to be there! I don’t really think someone can grow on you. I really do think chemistry makes or breaks the beginning of a relationship. I need that spark or that “je ne sais quoi” in order for me to continue to date a guy.
*Finger Snaps* Miss Jenkins …nicely written.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Thank you boo
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Great post Ms. Jenkins…
I wanna comment more but I can’t get wrapped up
Happy (not) Monday!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:35 am
Yes you can girl…Come on back!
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Got a couple thoughts on this. First thing is, don’t get a weak “nice” guy confused with a boring guy and vice versa. A guy that doesn’t keep you interested may just not have a ton of drama. Sometimes people who’ve got it together don’t make life too interesting. If you’re not feeling that, then by all means, keep it moving.
The other thing is a story my pops told me. A dude is walking when he see’s a cornfield. A farmer is sitting there. For whatever reason, the guy decides he wants an ear of corn. The farmer says he can have one, but he’s gotta follow one rule. He can walk down a row and pick the fattest ear of corn he sees – but he’s not allowed to turn back at any point. The guy starts walking down the row. He keeps seeing corn that looks bigger than the one he just passed, so he keeps holding out cause he can only pick one. The corn just keeps getting bigger, so he keeps holding off. Then, the corn starts getting smaller. He thinks, “oh shit, I don’t want a smaller one, maybe they’ll get bigger”. But they don’t. By the time he finally picks one, he’s got a scraggly looking ear and he’s pissed cause he could’ve done better. The moral is not to be too greedy…or don’t pick corn or whatever…
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Seattle Washington Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 10:53 am
That’s why I go to the grocery store where I can see all the corn up front.
Take that as you will.
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this situation sucks because i’ve been the guy that’s been strung along. i feel like if you are not feeling a dude then don’t have late night conversations with him. don’t go out on dates with him. don’t give him a glimmer of hope that you two can be together.
i mean who likes to be strung along? eff the dating pool and your potential dating future. you know pretty early if you and a person has good chemistry. i think its selfish actually.
“Plus, it felt nice to have some one pay attention to me, call me in the morning, text me at night, or check on me after had a bad day – I didn’t want to give that up right away. ”
why try to reap the benefits of actually being with a person when you don’t want to be with them? maybe my views are jaded so maybe i’m just ranting.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Its not about stringing along just for the hell of it…in hopes of creating something, or finding the spark, you spend more time, have the late night convos, etc. Its not to be a jerk, but its because you actually do like talking to the person, or spending time with them, but you also want to/need to make sure that you are assessing the situation the right way…
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Still Water Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Plus it sucks when you cut the relationship early and dude get angry because you “Didn’t even give him a chance.” in addition to the other unsavory expletives.
So you are darned if you do and darned if you don’t. If you are really feeling the girl and want it to work out, what would you have her do?
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Tunde Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:56 am
oh ok. i guess in that situation it’s cool. just can’t imagine that everyone has the same intentions that you do.
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Chemistry can grow, but something has to be there from the jump….sparks etc LOL
you can’t force it or manufactor it….and no I don’t waste time if its not there anymore…I use to entertain guys that were just jive alright to, lukewarm very mild almost none existent attractions etc..those days are over LOL
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Ironman Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Is it just me, or is “chemistry” a completely female invention? Maybe I’m not like other guys, but I have a fairly complete checklist in my head of what I’m looking for in a chick that I run down every time I meet a lady. It goes pretty much like this: add a point for each good quality, subtract a point for each negative, and then if she’s a B+ or higher, she gets a chance at adding or subtracting more points. Large assets with a thin waist and a pretty smile are an instant A.
Slim…Seattle, do yall do anything like this? How do you rate potential ex-wifey’s? Did yall already write a post on this i missed?
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Seattle Washington Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Does anyone else find it ironic that you’re using an icon from the Periodic Table and you’re talking about chemistry? Throw back to middle school. Anyway…
I have to disagree with you fam, I definitely go on chemistry. I learned the hard way that humor, personality mixing, mutual likes, communication styles and many other intangibles go a long way in the grand scheme of things. Some of the women I dated were a B to a B+ on paper, but things didn’t add up every where else. It was like adding vinegar to baking soda, there was always some kind of a volatile flare up.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I hear you Iron, but to be honest I am never looking for a mate. I’m looking for a jump off and if I find chemistry with her than I will turn her into a GF.
That is why chemistry isn’t so high on our list.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
“I hear you Iron, but to be honest I am never looking for a mate. I’m looking for a jump off and if I find chemistry with her than I will turn her into a GF.”
So are you saying you would wife up a jump off?
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CHeeKZ Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
No sir. That is a typo. How dare you accuse me of such an action.
I try to smut out every girl that I can find… than of the ones that don’t let me beat recklessly raw, I find the one that I enjoy the most. Than I eventually beat that one… if I like the beats, I put a ring on it.
And that freinds… is how you find a wifey.
KG once spit
“Its funny how a lady that I might wife/
will probably start out as a bitch I’m trying to pipe on the first night… I guess that is being young right”
~Young, Gifted, And Black
Off Live.Love.Listen Vol 1.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
you’ll learn hopefully how true it is, across the board.
Some things you have to experience for self…..attraction and chemistry go hand in hand but are diff things equally real.
You can be attracted and have zero chemistry, or not all that attracted physically and have great chemistry or you can have both in equal portion…and what a wonderful thing that is, nothing like it, as it is rare…
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idk, I like sparks, and it’s not about him being a ‘nice guy’ or not; nice guys can bring on sparks too if he’s the one for you.
I do give it one or two dates, but I do not like to string men along, remember “Do unto others…”
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‘If I’m not feeling it, I’m not feeling it…That doesn’t mean I’m a hater’
Misdemeanor…
I think in areas like that it pays to just be upfront point blank period. I think some people feel obligated to stick with someone just because they are being “the 100% greatest to you” even if you don’t feel them at all. Wrong approach! That’s pretty much fronting on your own feelings.
At least by being upfront, you save them time to at least invest it in someone else that might want that love/appreciation or has the overall homerun chemistry.
But in contrast, I have heard maybe two of my homegirls talk about something like this and my response seems to be harsh but I think its candid. My response is: “like a dog that chases a car and finally catches up to it, it would have no idea what to do once its staring them in the face” (I’m not comparing women to dogs). It’s a harsh statement but I think it seems to be the trend with a few women once “that good guy” comes along. ‘He’s great and all but I’m just not feeling him’….LOL! Overall, I think it is important to part ways with the person on honest and good terms because you never know what could happen in the future.
Peace in the UN Chambers,
-BBW aka The nice guy that won’t finish last
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 11:41 am
“I think in areas like that it pays to just be upfront point blank period. I think some people feel obligated to stick with someone just because they are being “the 100% greatest to you” even if you don’t feel them at all. Wrong approach! That’s pretty much fronting on your own feelings.”
Great point Big Brother Wayne, but what about when:
1. dude tries to push on anyway;
2. dude says he gets it and still proceeds like he doesn’t; or
3. you are not sure what you are looking for or are just going with the flow of thangs, and you realized along the way that he aint it?
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BLaCk Bruce WaYnE Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
To answer #1…I’ve had this situation with a few females. My motto is “If they dont get the picture the first time, draw it out”…lol! Continue to be blunt as can be!
To answer #2, please refer to #1
To answer # 3 – Here is where I have personally established ground rules from start. My rules or policy is called “The No Crying Later Rule”. The rule is to say “hey chief, this is what I’m looking for AT THE MOMENT”….At the moment can be ‘I want a cuddy buddy’, ‘I want to go with the flow’ or someone to seriously date, whatever. The point is to lay the ground rules first before someone’s EMO meter goes out of control aka THE CRYING! Hence the “NO CRYING LATER RULE”. Lastly, don’t start breaking your own ground rules out of no where…lol!
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great post today. Nice guys finish last, just like good girls finish last. Its the name of the game
Guys dont know a good girl when he meets her and rather wife out the #@%$ instead because she’s a little more “exciting”….
just my thoughts.
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CHeeKZ Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I disagree… just b/c a chick is nice doesn’t mean she has to be a boring prude.
If you see an single nice girl… most likely she has some sort of mental disability or is clingy or doesn’t know how to swallow.
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Streetztalk Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Exactly… nice doesnt equate soulmate.. neither does exciting. its whose right for you. The hard part is figuring out if its momentary or real.
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OrangeStar616 Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
..nice doesn’t mean right for you or the ONE….. do you know how many single ladies there are, tons, nice ones and otherwise, and every mofo has issues its just to what degree etc
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LoudPen Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I’d like to see pictures of you sending females flowers. If you see this comment, I’ll forward you my email address.
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Not to sound mean but, who does this???
I’ll admit that I don’t have the longest dating resume. But I refuse to go out with a guy JUST because he is nice. If he’s nice and I’m strongly attracted to him, it’s a green light. If he’s nice and cute, but I’m not *quite* sure about the chemistry, he gets one date. If I’m not feeling anything by the end of the night he’s back on the friend ladder. Simple!
I’m a “relationship person” anyway, so I can’t be wasting my time with dead ends. I’d rather be single than have a disposable boyfriend. This is where hobbies become useful ladies! lol
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I don’t really like to date. I mean I do it…but I really detest the whole act. I just wanna hang and have a good time. Why does it have to be all this pressure and forcedness that comes with “dating”? A few months ago, me and my bestie checked the dictionary for the definition of dating and it said something like when men and women go out for a “date” or social outing.
Well, from that stand point you already know it ain’t gonna work 8 times outta ten. Why? Cause already you gotta find what to wear, know where to go, think of what to say. Who in the HE-double hockey sticks can perform under that kind of pressure (pun intended)? I mean the guys I’ve ended up liking the most started off casual, we just happened to run into each other, then we were both hungry so we decided to get something to eat. We just kept it simple. Then it grew into more.
And the guy I’m currently (and for the last __ years) strung out over was a COMPLETE accident. Like really. It was totally by default but it was just something about him or us…
So all I’m saying is…I don’t believe in dating. Yes, you should have involvement to figure out what you like and don’t like but the dating, the requirements, the debate…I’m good on that.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Seeing you say that you don’t believe in dating is an interesting perspective. I can’t remember the last time I heard or saw a woman say/type that. Hmm…
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LoudPen Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 10:02 am
Why is it interesting?
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ASmith Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I’m in agreeance with you on the dating thing.
I HATE it, so I don’t do it. ::shrug:: it’s working.
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And to answer the post, I just dropped a guy who I had zero chemistry with. You may remember me mentioning his “performance” on an Eff em Friday. I know my bestie tried to convince me to “give him a chance” to which I say…I did…he failed. The chance is the first time we meet, first impressions are lasting impressions. So if you ain’t feelin’ it, you ain’t feelin it.
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I just ended a relationship like this, at the three month mark. He was nice, had great manners, we went on nice dates, but there was zero chemistry, for me. I felt like I had to give him a chance, because I am looking for a relationship, but when I would cringe every time he hugged me, I had to end it. I know he will make someone very happy, just not me.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
September 29th, 2009 at 8:14 am
I hear that. Glad you broke out when you did. He’ll be OK.
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Wow!!!! That sign off was a shot to the heart of all the “single, has a good career, no kids, and seems to be looking for something more than a cut buddy” guys out there. Just ’cause a guy expresses his interest in you and wants to go in a little further with the relationship thing, that makes him emo? Not quite. And why did it take you three months to figure out that there was no chemistry? I think you led him on which caused him to think that you were more interested than you actually were. What happened to the “no chemistry” on all those dates you guys went on where you “had fun each time”? It puzzles me sometimes when women say what they want in a man, but then when it comes around, they always seem to find something wrong to eff everything up.
Signed,
Jay “might I be emo since I took offense to that?” Arr.
PEACE
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