Throwback Thursday: Check Your Baggage at the Door
Women are constantly accused of dragging around faux Louis Vuitton luggage packed full of emotional issues from man to man and relationship to relationship. I am guilty of said behavior. Many women are, at some point or another. The man on the receiving end complains about being held responsible for things he did not do. While I am not saying this behavior is right or wrong, I will attempt to shed some light on why it kinda is what it is.
Women are emotional beings. We love. Then, we lose the love. And usually, we love again. But before we get back to love, some of us start to build a wall. Instead of externalizing our hurt as anger or “free spirited behavior,” we are taught to bottle it up. ::enter bitterness, stage right:: After being hurt, rejected, neglected, mistreated, or some combination of those, it is not unheard of for a woman to take her feelings out on the next guy. To her, the new guy has the potential to be just as shady to her as the last, so why not? Instead of staying away from dudes whilst we get our ish together, we may get close enough to one to gain some fringe benefits, all while doubting his intentions.
Its okay to be guarded.
Its a natural human reaction to try to protect yourself from something that caused you pain before. That’s called learning from experience. Once you learn that fire burns, I bet you don’t roll up on the next open flame all willy nilly. Matters of the heart are no different. Unlike protecting yourself from 3rd degree burns though, being too emotionally guarded has implications for the other person involved.
So why is baggage a problem?
Because it keeps you from getting new stuff. When you go on a trip, you pack in one of two ways: you can stuff your flimsy luggage til the zippers burst or you can leave some room for the new stuff you buy on your trip. Sure, either way you’ll have some good memories, but those alone are wack. That’s why people buy souvenirs.
In the same way, if you go into your new relationship so full of crap pain and issues from the last one, you’ll have no room to gain anything new. There is a good chance you will miss out on something valuable. This is not to say everything will be all peachy and fabulous, but if you are too closed up, you’ll miss the significance of the experience either way. Leave some room for opportunity.
There’s a Distinction.
By no means am I suggesting that you let your guard down 100% the minute you have a new boo. That would be silly. However, instead of projecting your defenses and pains onto the man, turn them inward, and guide your behavior according to them. By this I mean, figure out what you are dealing with. Protect yourself without punishing him. It can be done. And don’t assume he is going to do wrong by you, until (if at all) he gives you a reason to do so.
For the fellas too…
I know I started this with a gendered approach. However, men are guilty of the baggage issue too. It just plays out differently. When men get hurt, or close to being hurt, they have been known to get all macho, and turns off anything resembling emotions. I’ll just say: try to not be afraid to try it again.
What kind of baggage are you carrying around? Have you learned to leave some issues out of the next relationship? How did you lighten your load (no #2)? Do men and women really handle baggage differently?
I only travel with bags I can carry-on,
37 Responses to “Throwback Thursday: Check Your Baggage at the Door”
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i do think that men and women handle emotional baggage differently. i believe that your assessment on women is correct. i’ve dealt with women who have built some type of inpenetrable wall. it can be really frustrating. you think what the hell is this woman’s problem? then you figure it out and it has nothing to do with you. at this point i know i’ve thought “why am i being punished? my name is tunde, not john, tim or derek.”
on the flip side i know when get men hurt they turn into whore mongers. they seemingly stop caring about women’s emotions period. i know i’ve been there.
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Seattle Washington Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I can confess that I turn into a monster when I get my heartbroken. Yes, Seattle met a few women that were so “Heartless.” A few moments of sadness quickly turn into “eff this emo ish” and I start with the non-stop partying and debauchery. Here’s a quick apology to any woman that got caught in my wake.
One morning, I realized that it was all bull. I didn’t have too much… wait I can’t lie, I had a lot of fun. Let me rephrase. At the end of the day it didn’t make me feel better about the break up. Had to get my mind right. And that’s the key.
Packing it up or brushing it off won’t help. At some point, you have to deal with it.
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Streetztalk Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Cosign on S Dub…
Sometimes baggage can help youn get over a big hurt. Sometimes it helps you to be more cautious of the crazies out here.. but theres gonna be a time where you have to take that plunge and bet it all on black. I learned this and no longer need to carry baggage…
a carry on is always cool tho
lol
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The hard part is that you can’t get over the pain without letting yourself feel it first. Nobody wants to be unhappy, but if you try to ignore it then it feels that much worse when the feelings pop back up again. And that old saying “the best way to get over your old man is to get under a new one” is untrue. Women get emotional about sex and if you go that route you’ll end up feeling disgusted with yourself for acting like a ho and crying about your old relationship. Not a good look!
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BlueFlame Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Co-sign
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AnonyMiss Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
“The hard part is that you can’t get over the pain without letting yourself feel it first.”
EXACTLY! I always thought with time things would just pass and I would be able to forget about things that hurt me but it doesn’t work that way. When you keep stuff in, it just keeps building up and it WILL come out in some way or another. Doesn’t always have to be through tears but it will come out… && its better to just cry about it and get over it then to have it penetrate every aspect of your life and prevent you from living freely and happily and creating more bad memories in the process because your always one bad experience away from an emotional breakdown…
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Let the ish go already..great post Tiff
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Hey boo
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Not sure what scared folks away today, but I thought this was a pretty damn good jawn.
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N.I.A... the reformed bag lady Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
but I thought this was a pretty damn good jawn.
I agree. Very good post, Miss Jenkins!!!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Thank you!!
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Cheekie Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Work (it’s MY baggage today…lol) scared me away today. I wasn’t able to lollygag in and out of blogs like I usually to today. Didn’t have time.
But, I did want to pop in here and agree that this post was a good read.
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I’ve been known to carry baggage from relationship to relationship. Well, from one relationship with a horrible human being, to another relationship with a good man. And of course, I lost the good man. Not because I blamed him for the things the last guy did, but because I wouldn’t let my guard down with him, and untimately, he got tired of trying to break down emotional walls. I really tried, but I think it was too soon for me to jump back into a relationship without going through some real emotional healing. Thinking back on it, I probably should have sought some professional help during that time b/c that one situation makes me wary of opening up and giving my heart to someone. I’m much better than I used to be, but I’m still a little cautious.
As for the fellas, I briefly dated this Morehouse cat who hated Spelman women, and it all stemmed from him being played by one Spelman chick, and cheated on by another. I tried with him, but all of his negativity killed it before it even started.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:22 am
lol at the title of reformed bag lady.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:40 am
“I really tried, but I think it was too soon for me to jump back into a relationship without going through some real emotional healing.”
I think this is where many of us go wrong: trying to get back on the magic pony too soon before we get ourselves together. You can’t really tell the extent of the damage until you try to get close to someone again.
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I’ve learned that every woman is going to have some sort of baggage from their past that will affect how we interact (negatively). So I expect there to be some issue since I’m sure no one has a clean record of hurting others or being hurt
unless you never had a relationship which would be sad at this point. Seriously, if you have a mountain to climb, by all means, take all the baggage you feel you need and climb that h0e; but, do it by yo’ self.I agree that baggage for men and women manifests itself differently. In fact, I say that it wears it’s head at different points in time. Female baggage comes out once they feel like they could get close to you. Male baggage appears (mostly) with the initial treatment of a person as well as the said emotional valve being turned off. There was a time where this woman called herself falling ‘in love’ with a homie and I was completely emotionally detached. Now how that happened… I don’t know. Aside from initial treatment, a guy can be nice but have zero emotional reasons for being so regardless of the stage of the interaction. I can enjoy the interaction but not really care about the person in terms of their feelings and ish. However, I’m upfront about any emotional distance I may have. I don’t feel bad about people who get too deep too soon cuz they ignored what I told them. I tell people for a reason.
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Renee Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Co-sign
I’ve experienced man baggage on a few occasion, women may be irrational, but men are so freezy. Most men do throw out the “I’m not looking for a relationship” memo early on. Women get confused because we hear what you say in month 1 but we expect things to grow by month 6, especially if he’s changed his behavior (calls more, met family, ect). But in reality if he never spoke the words “relationship” then nothings changed. It seems easy for a man, but believe me, as a woman this is sooooo hard to accept. But great response, I had a friend send me an email on the subject it seemed cold but I finally got it.
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I, too, do not know where everyone is today. I liked this post; particularly that analogy of leaving space in ur bags for new stuff (good or bad). I do that when I travel, and also in relationships.
In my experience, guys tend do deal with past hang-ups by becoming assholes. It seems like women close up and become emotionally unavailable (or wrecked) while guys tend to just pay every woman back by doing whatever it is that was done to them. Of course some men are mature enough to pick themselves back up again and start over. But if a guy really gets screwed over, I’ve heard “why should I give a eff anymore, everyones just gonna hurt me in the end” several times before a man friend has gone down a shameless whoring spiral right before my eyes. Women have responded this way, also, and I think its sad. =/
As for me, I keep my guard up, but I approach everything with a general willingness to get hurt some day. I try not to rush into things, but at the same time, I realize that if you don’t take the chance on love, you never really live. If it spits you out again,take what you’ve learned from it and realize you will be better prepared when the Real thing comes along.
There’s this country song (shut up) that I love called “Bless the Broken Road” and basically it talks about how everyone who broke my heart up to this point was like a broken road that leads to you, and if I didn’t take it, I never would have found you… It gives me hope that it’ll all be worth the BS in the end.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
“I keep my guard up, but I approach everything with a general willingness to get hurt some day. I try not to rush into things, but at the same time, I realize that if you don’t take the chance on love, you never really live.”
Co-sign
Sometimes people forget that it is in fact a gamble. People generally don’t keep that in mind once they’re hurt. The ‘gamble’ part just doesn’t apply to some mutual ‘we just don’t work/mesh’ understanding, it also applies to the conscious efforts/bad decisions people make that hurt you. The ‘gamble’ isn’t in the nature of the situation, but the person and their integrity.
I had to start thinking/asking people this (maybe someone should write about this):
What do you stand for in terms of how you treat people that are close to you?
People are quick to say how they’ve been hurt and what they currently don’t stand for without thinking about what conduct they won’t accept from themselves when dealing with people that are close to them.
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I think it takes men longer to love so at times it takes us longer to lose our baggage. We try to keep it movin’ but we always think back to that one girl…at least until we find someone to spend our time with. Ms. Right Now can do wonders for an ego.
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Better late than never…no?
This is a very sensitive issue. I think a lot of people are not responding because 1. No one wants to look insecure 2. People don’t like to admit they carry around psycological trama from an ex.
That being said I definetly have my share of baggage, it recently reared its ugly head in my last relationship when I explained my reasoning for certain behavior by saying “My ex use to…” Not a good look. And he came back with the ” I’m not your ex” shut down! I’ll never do that again, maybe phrase my concerns differently in the future
My issue is that as a woman whose been dating for a few years. I like to think that I’ve learned a thing or two about men. Like, I can say my bullshit radar is much more sensitive and accurate, so I will call a man out on bullshit real quick. No need to sit and analyze why he won’t even allow me to touch his Cell Phone. I’ve learned from other relationships, that men hide their phones because they have something to hide! And no I’m not trying to search nobodies phone, I just want to play Bejeweled Geese!
Real baggage for me comes in, when I have to open my heart, listen to you talk about your dreams, your job, and our future. That’s when I get the “Heard it all before” attitude (I may not say it, but its there). I’m trying to work on that now, but I’m a pessimist by nature. But knowing what I want out of life, I know one day I will have to just let go.
I actually refuse to date anyone who just got out of a serious relationship. Being the 1st rebound chick is the worse, being his emotional support, all the “my ex called me lastnight” talk, I can’t stand it. And for some reason, I’m likely to try to talk him into going back to his ex anyway.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
“That being said I definetly have my share of baggage, it recently reared its ugly head in my last relationship when I explained my reasoning for certain behavior by saying “My ex use to…” Not a good look. And he came back with the ” I’m not your ex” shut down! I’ll never do that again, maybe phrase my concerns differently in the future”
Yeah, I have gotten that “I am not him” talk before too. For me, it came early enough for me to realize that I wasn’t ready to start anything serious, so it was a good wake up call for me.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
co-sign.
I can roll with most of what you said but not all people have something to hide (at any given time). One girlfriend I had went through my phone. She didn’t find anything given I had nothing to hide. However, it still made me feel uncomfortable. Personally, I don’t get the “why didn’t you just get it out my purse” thing. I only go through other people’s things if I have previous permission and there’s something of need that they can’t retrieve themselves. That’s one way I show my respect of your personal space. It’s not automatic for a guy to think to look in his boo’s purse for ANYTHING. So why is it automatic for women? If dude doesn’t want you ‘playing’ or just perusing through his stuff it’s not always because he has something to hide. It maybe because he doesn’t consider you to be as close as you may think or maybe it’s baggage from a previous relationship where someone invaded his privacy. Women do that you know and think it’s ok… The “men lie” and “men cheat” excuses for invading privacy is old news and is basically doing wrong in the name of baggage. Transference is the key term here.
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Renee Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
Right, invading someones privacy is wrong, but I’ve wittness a man hide his phone in his shoes when he thought I wasn’t looking, or superman leap accross the room to snatch it out my hand if I picked it up. I would never go through a man’s phone at my age (25), don’t have time for the drama that comes with what I may find, and if I have those kind of doubts, its probably time to move on. Also it might be the combination of keeps his phone on silent/never answers or makes calls while I’m around that gets to me. But seriously, most times I really just want to play the games.
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MeteorMan Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Yes. If people make it obvious then by all means bring it up in conversation. However, I would not go through great lengths to simply hide my phone. If this is you’re SO, then suspicious behavior should be addressed. But why would you care that he doesn’t make phones calls around you or put his phone on silent. I do that for all “meetings” both romantic and business. Sometimes I don’t want any interruptions while with a boo or client. Maybe you should just ask and not think too hard about WHY the answer is yes or no. ‘cuz I said so…’ lol
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Renee Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…
Your asking me to be waaaaay too rational about this!
I’ll keep it in mind for next time, b’cuz you said so lol.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
“The “men lie” and “men cheat” excuses for invading privacy is old news and is basically doing wrong in the name of baggage. Transference is the key term here.”
Well said, e-boo.
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Keepin it real anyone over 21 takes what happens in the last relationship to their new relationship is a imature selfish ego driven prick. After all that last BF or GF was of your choosing.
Also its shows laziness, why work out the fact you chose a lousy lover for lame reasons just pick another one that will “act right”. I have no time for a woman that cannot distinguish my traits from her ex.
Also in any other line of life this tactic would lead to failure.
Talk about being negative.
In closing people who act like this just can’t admit they were wrong and that jerk they called their boo was overrated and they were the only one that got hurt by his/her bull$hit. Better get your Shalamar on, and go into your 2nd or third time around with some positive thinking!
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Tell em why you mad son!
“Keepin it real anyone over 21 takes what happens in the last relationship to their new relationship is a imature selfish ego driven prick. After all that last BF or GF was of your choosing.”
This statement is way off base and assumes sooo much about the relationship, what went wrong, why it ended, and how the person deals with those issues in the next relationship. Its not fair to make such sweeping generalizations.
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temps/eny films Reply:
November 7th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
its not fair to hold Boyfriend X or Girlfriend X for the mistakes BF Y/GF Y made when you were with them I cannot be held responsible cause you were hurt by a jerk that took you two yrs too long to realize-once again act like this at work and see how far you can go.
You re gonna tell your new job you acted in a negative (costing the company profits) manner because of the way the last job treated you-its that this scenario is within the bullshit holy grail of “relationship” that this crap is tolerated. Its amazing how some of the worlds most successful people have “quick memories” the mistake is made-they are hurt but then they learn and then proceed to the next one. In the end killing your current love interest for past mistakes made by the previous one and it maybe someone they may have never met is childish. And that is being sweeping and generalizing.
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co-sign.
I can roll with most of what you said but not all people have something to hide (at any given time). One girlfriend I had went through my phone. She didn’t find anything given I had nothing to hide. However, it still made me feel uncomfortable. Personally, I don’t get the “why didn’t you just get it out my purse” thing. I only go through other people’s things if I have previous permission and there’s something of need that they can’t retrieve themselves. That’s one why I show my respect of your personal space. It’s not automatic for a guy to think to look in his boo’s purse for ANYTHING. So why is it automatic for women? If dude doesn’t want you ‘playing’ or just perusing through his stuff it’s not always because he has something to hide. It maybe because he doesn’t consider you to be as close as you may think or maybe it’s baggage from a previous relationship where someone invaded his privacy. Women do that you know and think it’s ok… The “men lie” and “men cheat” excuses for invading privacy is old news an is basically doing wrong in the name of baggage. Transference is the key term here.
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AnonyMiss Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
You’re so right. I’m a very private person and regardless of whether or not I have something to hide, I don’t want people all in my stuff without permission. Going through my txt messages is a big NO and a huge turn off. Shows that you are extra paranoid and don’t trust me.
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miss jenkins…great post! me likey.
i too, am guilty of carrying baggage; baggage that manifested itself in the type of people i was drawn to, and ultimately the failure of those relationships. it took a while to realize (and ultimately face) the root of my issues, and take the time to heal me first rather than looking for a crutch in the arms of another.
i “lightened my load” by changing my outlook on things:
a) i stopped blaming myself
b) stopped looking at past relationships as failures or mistakes, and saw them as discoveries instead.
it may seem silly, but changing the lens thru which you see a situation can make the world of difference.
the lessons that came out of my “discoveries” have made me a better person and ultimately a better candidate for a successful relationship when that time comes.
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Miss Jenkins Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
“b) stopped looking at past relationships as failures or mistakes, and saw them as discoveries instead.”
“it may seem silly, but changing the lens thru which you see a situation can make the world of difference”
Great outlook! These are two shiny jewels right huur.
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AnonyMiss Reply:
November 6th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
“it may seem silly, but changing the lens thru which you see a situation can make the world of difference.”
The power of thought is crazy….. there’s this quote that talks about how the way you think about situations/experiences can make a Hell out of Heaven or a Heaven out of Hell…. something like that… There are some things I went through that used to make me feel so sad when I look back at it but now I’m so content and even greatful for some of those experiences… Also realizing that everything happens for a reason helps you to get over ish…. && learning to look at the “big picture” instead of just seeing things from one viewpoint.
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So it’s almost 12:30am and still no new post…. I dunno about you but I need Three Ways to put me to sleep at night….
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every time people talk about “emotional baggage” the focus always seem to be on women… maybe becus its more obvious when we have baggage than when men do && we are more vocal about our feelings && how we’ve been hurt in the past…. but i think there are a lot of guys who dont really trust women and it seems like once a guy gets hurt once (like cheated on) he just gets this “fuck all bitches” mentality and loses all respect for women. Women usually try and get over their issues but just fail to because we are so used to internalizing everything….
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