Rihanna Isn’t the Only One
I hate celebrity gossip. It’s just annoying to me. Mostly because I could care less about what Angelina has named her new black baby, or what Beyonce wore to the Grammy’s. But when I heard about the “altercation” between Chris Brown and Rihanna, I took interest. Unlike other celeb stuff that has a superficial tone to it, this issue rings true for millions of people every year. Domestic violence is no joke.
At first, I couldn’t believe it. I was like, maybe some nosey person just felt to need to be a hero when there was no one that needed to be saved. But as time went on and Chris issued the apology, and after seeing the picture of Rihanna’s injuries, all I could do was shake my head. Those bruises were real. Swollen eyes: real. Busted lip: real.
Because of the celeb status of the two people involved, a lot of the focus is on the superficial, yet relevant stuff. What will their next albums be like? How will Chris make a come back after this? Will Rihanna turn into a man hater?
But what the media is not covering is the severity and scope of the matter. A man hit a woman. Some say he was provoked by a rumor that she contracted herpes. Others say that she spazzed out because of a text message he received from a woman. Maybe she bussed him upside his head. Only the two of them (and possibly their attorneys) know what really happened. At the end of the day though, this problem is bigger than them.
We like to believe that this type of abuse happens once in a while, or only to certain types of women. Not so. Chances are, we all know someone, or of someone who has been in a relationship that involved some level of abuse, be it verbal or otherwise. I’m not going to run down stats and all that here, but please visit www.domesticviolence.org for more information on that.
Oh hell naw. Not gonna happen to me.
Whenever the topic of domestic abuse comes up in conversation, you often hear women say “that could never be me” or “I would have done xyz if he hit me”. Honestly though, how do you really know? Can you really know if you are not in the situation yourself? I’d like to think I can predict my reaction, but I can’t say that with 100% certainty. And its probably safe to assume that women don’t walk into relationships knowing that they will become victims, and accept that fate, and just keep it moving.
Why doesn’t she just leave?
This is something that always comes up in a conversation about prolonged verbal or physical abuse. Why didn’t she just walk away? Break up with him. Burn his clothes. Bust the windows out his car. For women (or men) who ask this question, I would challenge you to ask yourself how many times you have put up with something undesirable about your boo. I know that I have rationalized some behaviors that I swore I would never tolerate. But guess what happened? Emotions got in the mix. On a level, I became dependent on him for something. I wanted to believe that things would get better. I wanted to believe that things would change. For some, you tolerate lack of ambition. Or emotional distance. Sometimes, its cheating. And though it may seem hard to believe, for others, its physical or verbal abuse.
Please don’t read this to imply that abuse only occurs when men hit women. The term encompasses verbal, physical, and behavioral patterns that can be inflicted by men and women. Overly jealous or controlling attitudes. Extreme blow ups over minor things. Constantly monitoring and restricting behavior. Degrading him or her in conversations. None of those involve hitting, but can be signs of a potential problem.
So kind people, share your thoughts. Does it matter “who “started” it? What if she hit him first? Do you know of anyone who has been in a situation like this? Were there signs? Is there ever a time where it is okay for a person to hit their boo? Let’s read it.
Sowhatiff -Not sure what I would do he did a Mike Tyson on me- Jenkins
37 Responses to “Rihanna Isn’t the Only One”
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Many of us have seen the image of Rihanna’s face and had some type of reaction. I have a big gripe with TMZ for posting that picture. Is anything private anymore? Not even a domestic violence victim can have her image kept under wraps. I couldn’t imagine being the person hitting the publish button to let that go up on the site. People would have had dialogue about domestic violence without seeing the pic. TMZ went too far with this one. At what point will the media draw the line?
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NickiSunshine Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:46 am
I agree Slim.. it’s fugged up that they infringed on her privacy.. and even more fugged up considering the rumor was, the detective was guarding her file like a Doberman. And now, they suddenly can’t figure out how it got out.
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Steph Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:45 am
I thought the pic was fake b/c I never saw that tattoo on Rihanna’s shoulder before…I googled some other images to see if it was anywhere and I never see it anywhere else?!
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
You just ain’t lookin hard enough girl. You just ain’t lookin hard enough.
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Steph Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm
I’ll accept that…I didn’t look that hard.
I mean anytime a pic like that is released on some celebrity trashy news site I just think it’s not legit.
Back to topic at hand though…no excuses make it right, regarding either of them hitting the other.
I know the local radio station in Michigan says they are boycotting playing Chris Brown which I think is a pretty stand up thing to do. I’m sure this will have some negative consequences on his career…but I don’t know if it will completely ruin him.
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ladebelle Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 pm
i totally agree with you here. at some point, there has to be some privacy granted to celebrities. they are people too and it’s pretty disgusting how people use them to prey upon.
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ChokLitFactory Reply:
February 24th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
The pic was def her. And I agree with Slim, I was so mad they posted that. Imagine if that was your sister, BFF, daughter…that was very wrong. And I refuse to listen to ANY song by that dude…
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temps Reply:
February 25th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
The Meida will stop when ppl stop watching and they (media ) start losing money til then it wont ever stop
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I believe two wrongs dont make a rite. PPl say a man shuld nevr hit a woman..i believe a man shuldnt hit a woman and a woman shuldnt hit a man. If both of them were beatin on each othr both shuld face consequences. Its too bad that Chris did hit her..and i hope he’s gettin counseling. They both need it actually. I just think that no1 can judge etc bcuz no1 truly knows what happened but C & Rhi. I think we shuld have the both of them in our prayers as with any1 who has experienced any sort of violence. And I think its disgusting how the media has made lies and invaded their privacy.
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I dont think it matters who started it and I dont think its ever ok. I do think it seemed like a lot of people were searching for an excuse to make it ok he hit her. Whether it be some text message or std or whatever, I dont get why anyone cared about any of that.
That said, in terms of abuse, we DO give women a lot of leeway and thats probably part of the problem.
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Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:53 am
“That said, in terms of abuse, we DO give women a lot of leeway and thats probably part of the problem.”
Leeway in what sense?
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RightCoastLexSteele, So Special-So Special-So Special Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Oh…I like where this is headed…
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and1grad Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Leeway in the sense that its a LOT more acceptable for a woman to physically abuse a man. Its practically considered comedy should a woman hit a man in some way (punch, slap, etc.). Every action has a reaction. I cant help but think that even a man who wouldnt normally hit a woman MIGHT feel a little more of an impulse to do so should she hit him first.
I think we need to be a little more serious about physical abuse in general, rather than just when a man hits a woman.
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:08 pm
This reminds me of those scenarios where a woman talks down to a dude repeatedly. Basically verbal abuse. May throw stuff at him, etc. But should he yell and she decides to go to the police, I bet he’s going down to the station for the night. A lot of this goes back to the double standards.
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ladebelle Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 8:17 pm
i agree with you in that women are given more leeway because it’s not too often that women are accused of assault and battery the way men are yet women will often fly off the handle and begin hitting men and people just chalk this up.
like clearly said, it’s wrong to put your hands on others, be it a man or a woman
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I have two friends who’ve been abused. I didn’t know them while it occured, so I can’t say how I would react, but hearing their stories was pretty horrifying. They both talked about how the guys turned into complete monsters and the next minute, they were apologizing, holding ice up to busted lips, sending flowers to jobs. I thought that stuff only existed in Lifetime.
Although I’ve never been victim of a complete and total beatdown, I was with a guy once who twisted my arm… I thought it was gonna snap. HE did it all because I didn’t feel like driving. I got in the driver’ seat, drove his arse back home and dropped him off…. I wouldn’t answer his phone calls but finally he wore me down.. I was right back at square one, but he never did it again.
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I say you never know how you’ll respond til it’s you.
Once it happens then you’re like ok..
I put one in jail.
The next one-knowing that shouldn’t try..because he!l has new openings everyday.
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First off, I knew a police member would release that photo and whoever did that should be suspended if found out. You know he/she got beaucoup paper for that photo and releasing it was tacky as hell. Though, I was surprised the photo didn’t hit the million dollar mark, considering how much Ms. Jolie can get for a baby photo. Whatever, that ain’t important.
This, however, truly is:
“Whenever the topic of domestic abuse comes up in conversation, you often hear women say “that could never be me” or “I would have done xyz if he hit me”. Honestly though, how do you really know?”
What a frightening question, for real. I’d love to know that I’m not the “kind” of woman who’d put up with a dude who hulks out every 15 seconds, but hell, what “kind” of woman is that? Human? The heart is a slick mofo and it can have a hold on you in the best and worst way. It can make you rationalize the most terrible circumstances.
So, yeah, I can’t really say what exactly I’d do or how I’d handle it.
Sheeeeit, eff that, I’d LAY a ninja that tries to put a hand on me.Scary.Reply
Sowhatiff Jenkins Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:29 pm
“The heart is a slick mofo and it can have a hold on you in the best and worst way. It can make you rationalize the most terrible circumstances.”
Ain’t that the damn truth. It clouds up otherwise lucid judgment. That’s why I am staying away from emotions this year.
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Funny, I blogged about a similar topic today. And I also agree with Slim. Privacy is a lost art these days.
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1) I’ve felt a particular way about the media for the last few years, I think they search for bad news. I think that we as viewers act like we are turned off from it, but we really aren’t it just reminds us that someone is more effed up than we are.
2) I actually blogged about this. We haven’t been talking about Domestic Violence, we’ve been talking about Rihanna and Chris Brown, it’s quite ridiculous to me too.
3) Women who say oh hell naw, not me, are stupid and insensitive. Do you think there is a single woman in the world who was like I want a man to beat me like hot cakes? And a woman who thinks she will have some streak of courage to hit him back to cause harm to him. Also, stupid! When a woman gets hit by a guy the first thing that runs through her mind is, “I cannot believe this man just hit me. This fool is crazy. Let me shut up before he kills me.” Real Talk.
4) Just to touch on, Men who choose not to get involved in domestic violence situations. I’ve always said it this way, it takes a certain type of man to hit a woman, it takes a certain type of man to hit a woman in front of his family at the dinner table or during an argument in the home… the man who hits a woman in public, that fool is crazy. He is out of his mind and i’m not going to be the one to figure out how crazy he is. I’ll call for help, but unless it’s more of us than him. I’m not getting involved.
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Cheekie Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
“1) I’ve felt a particular way about the media for the last few years, I think they search for bad news. I think that we as viewers act like we are turned off from it, but we really aren’t it just reminds us that someone is more effed up than we are.”
This, sadly, has so much validity to it. We, as media consumers, do tend to flock more to negative gossip than positive.
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temps Reply:
February 25th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
I work in it and here the phrase: “if it bleeds it leads”
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It is crazy to me that our people don’t get as enraged over domestic violence as they do over police brutality. A man beats his woman, people think of a valid reason why he could have done that. The victim is looked at negatively. Basically no one wants to get involved because this is a “private” matter. The police put a beat down on someone for committing a crime and people want call the leadership and march in the streets.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Jah Youth Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Well here’s the thing. My sister has been in a horribly abusive relationship for years…emotionally, mentally and physically. She’s much older than me so I was never really clued in when I was younger and my mom would never say anything, but as I got older my spidey sense began to tingle. Once I got wind of what was going on, I was ready to posse up and ride on this dude. My brother actually lives right around the corner from my sister and when I called him to get him riled up, he didnt seeem to care less which perturbed me to no end. But what I noticed after a while and what my brother apparently knew for years is that they would have a flare up, her “husband” would do or say something to quiet the situation, then every would be cool until another flare up. Family members have offered places to stay/refuge/relocation/jobs, but she always finds a reason why she has to stay. It breaks my heart, but until she is ready to break free, it’s really a “private” matter. At least that’s how my mom has made me promise to keep it. He better pray she lives forever.
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I agree. I smell “mutual combat” here. For the record, it doesn’t matter to me who passed the first or the last lick (pause); they both need some counseling. I’m in my early 30′s and while I do not condone domestic violence, in my younger days I did do and say some things to provoke others (some boyfriends) to “response”. I’ve done plenty of things that, in hindsight, were considered “playing games”, inciting others to jealousy, name calling, etc.
I think it’s a facet of immaturity as well as an eye-opener. Celebrities are not immune to the foibles of human nature. They are, after all, just people. They are just well-known people, not perfect people. I don’t know who did what to whom. I can only imagine how stressful having a less than private life and and even less private “private life”. Break ups and make ups become that much more complex when you life your life in the spotlight. The jealousy?? OMG, the jealousy, the groupies, the haters, the hungry… I have an idea of how that works on a small scale, but on a celebrity scale, I can only imagine.
What sadder still of all the goings-ons is the fact that Americans still want to choose sides. We want to sensationalize something like domestic violence and make it the frosting of a cupcake whose “cream filling” we never get to (or don’t even care about). Is that really doing this issue a service? Is that really addressing relationship violence?
I can’t choose; I wasn’t there. I think the classic “3 Ways to Look at this Situation (his side, her side, and the truth)” is what I’m going to file this situation under. I don’t know about you, but I’ll be glad when this is NOT the hot topic of the day.
Oh… I wanted to share something with you. This post makes me think of this series ABC (20/20, I think) did on domestic violence and public reaction to it. They created different real-life domestic violence scenarios that occur in public and tested public response. They did the male/female (same race) where the male was the aggressor and where the female was the aggressor. The also did male/female (different race) where both parties were the aggressor. The results are VERY interesting… If I can find the link, I’ll share it…
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Slim Jackson Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
If you find that, definitely send that through. I wanna check it out.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Jah Youth Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 4:03 pm
“Celebrities are not immune to the foibles of human nature.”
I think a lot of people fail to realize this and we think somehow when people reach celeb status they are blessed with better moral judgement.
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and1grad Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm
At the same time, it depends on what you consider to be a “foible of human nature.” A car accident is a foible of human nature. Beating up your woman? Not so much.
Maybe people do expect celebs to be better but shouldnt we? If you’re in the public eye, I’m gonna need you to not screw up so much, or so badly, b/c children consider you a role model. Generally speaking, this is a demand that we make of celebrities that I’m ok with.
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RightCoastLexSteele, Jah Youth Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 5:04 pm
I’m not ok with it. Charles Barkley said it years ago: “I’m not a role model.” Parents should take the responsibility of raising their children and being their kids’ role model. Theoretically, they should raise their children well enough to know that beating women is not cool and just because Bobby, I mean James…excuse me, Chris Brown is acting foolish doesnt mean they should. Yes, they SHOULD know better, but then again so should people that arent in the public eye.
Hard keepin’ all them Browns straight…
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I believe that this is not the first time that Chris hit Rihanna. With Domestic Violence men tend to demonstrate various behaviors that tell you they’ll definitely knock you the hell out if you look the wrong way. They prolly went from him just snatching her, to him choking her, the the enevitable him smacking her. What caused this beat down who knows. I don’t even think that this will cause Rihanna to leave him alone. I think if she doesn’t mess with Chris anymore it would only be because of the media and how much input they have on the situation.
Women don’t leave men that abuse them because they don’t realize that they are being abused. I’ve been in two abusive relationships. With both relationships play fighting turned into me getting knocked to the ground and face swollen for weeks on end. I escaped my first relationship quickly because I didn’t want to fight and I wasn’t really in love, yet my second one I was in denial. Even though every two months my face was swollen, I didn’t believe it was abuse. I believed we were only having misunderstandings and we could work through them. Some people say I’m stupid, but that doesn’t fade me. Who am I to take my son away from his father. Yet misunderstandings about one thing turned into misunderstanding of another. And I’m now realizing that we might never have an understanding. He says our fights were all my fault because I’m always attacking him about things he does to enjoy his time. (ie.. sleeping with other woman) and the other half of the time it’s my fault because I attacked him after he had too much to drink. And I should know that he blacks out when he’s drinking.
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The foibles of human nature are our weaknesses. Regardless of who we are, our status, our wealth, our power, our influence, OR how close we are to God, we all have weaknesses. We get jealous. We don’t always play fair when we fight. We rush to judgement. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We’re human beings, and we, (although ideally we SHOULD) don’t always rise above and behave ourselves when we know the cameras are on, that people are watching us, that we are, indeed, role models to others.
I think what Danielle shared was very interesting. It gives us insight into the thoughts that go behind the actions of those (men AND women) who choose to stay in abusive relationships. We have to remember that domestic violence is a truly cyclical. There are times when things are so sweet, so pure, so good. Unfortunately, the stormy times outweigh the good times leaving those who are “addicted” fiending for another hit of that “goodness”, that relationship crack that makes us want to believe that he/she really isn’t “that bad”, that they really DO love us, but (fill in the blank). We have a hard time believing that at his/her core, our significant other is truly THAT mean, selfish, hurtful, uncaring, violent and we rationalize that there must be SOMETHING “making” them act that way. Madea (regardless of what you think about Tyler Perry) said in “Madea’s Family Reunion” when Blair Underwood was whoopin’ homegirl on the slick: “When a person shows you who they are, believe them.” Stop making excuses for this behavior. Right is right. Wrong is wrong.
About that ABC series – it comes from PrimeTime Live’s series entitled “What Would You Do?” where they pose various hidden camera scenarios to test public reaction. I attempted to youtube the episodes, but I’m at work and this firewall is crucial. Try this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tnbj5Bc_VWo&feature=related It’s about public reactions to interracial couples and domestic violence. It might lead you to the others.
What is so peculiar is that in the scenarios where the women are the aggressors,very few people step in to help. Some of the women walking by even seem to cheer or be inwardly proud of the aggressive women. I was surprised at actually how FEW people stepped in.
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niasmomma Reply:
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Here is the “What Would You Do?” episode where the women are the aggressors. It widens the scope of your personal view of domestic violence, I’m sure… What would YOU do?? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlFAd4YdQks&feature=related
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Hm.
I’ve been on both sides of an abusive relationship. I’ve been the aggressor – talking mess and putting him down and even occasionally pushing someone – as well as being cursed at, yelled at, emotionally abused, grabbed up, thrown around a bit…
And I know I’ve had to really ask for a lot of forgiveness for the former, because I realize that no form of abuse is okay – from a man or a woman. But at the same time, it is completely different when a woman is screaming at a man or even slapping/pushing him (unless she’s beast) and when a man hits a woman. I have older brothers, and when I was younger, I learned really quickly not to start anything with either of them, cuz my “hits” were not the same as theirs. Men are (in general) naturally stronger and bigger than women.
When I hit my ex on the arm or pushed him or whatever, it was like a child hitting you – big deal. The one time he grabbed me up and pushed me, I slammed into the wall and had bruises down my back, arms, butt, neck.
Neither is okay, but for everyone here who is saying if they were going back and forth, it’s a little more understandable, just know that it’s NEVER okay. If a man is being abused by a woman, he has a lot more power to walk away (and not worry about her hospitalizing/killing him) or restrain her than a woman ever does.
But I have another topic… maybe for another day. What does it say about we (as black people) when we don’t boycott music/radio stations/albums when someone’s actions warrant so? When the Dixie Chicks made a small (JUSTIFIED) comment about Bush, they had death threats, people were smashing their cds, no radio would play their music, no one bought their next album (like 3 years later btw), and they had to cancel all their southern shows pretty much. White people all over the country HATE Michael Vick for allowing his cousins or whatever to fight DOGS (not people). Yet we SEE with our own eyes R. Kelly RAPING (because it IS rape) a child in the most grotesque way and still rock his music. Chris Brown beats the mess out of his girlfriend and admits to it, and I hear his songs all over the radio and no one is smashing cds, etc. What does it say about us as a culture when we fail to withdrawal our support for someone who commits crimes against humanity? Shouldn’t we be marching on Washington against rape/abuse/violence or something??
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myndseye Reply:
February 25th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
This is what i’m talking about. I totally agree with this post! and I don’t want to hear nothing else from white folks about them dogs when people are suffering abuses that aren’t being properly addressed.
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