The Settlement Plan
Without fail I hear ticking everywhere I go, it’s the background melody to any woman I talk to. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock. The cogs are moving, getting louder with every second. And sometimes, I already hear the alarms going off. Some woman’s figurative biological clock drowning everything out. Including common sense and standards. Most of you already know how I feel about this imaginary timekeeper. To say it bluntly, I’m not a fan. I’ve thought that “Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number” since Aaliyah was messing with Kells. Most women will say they agree, but at the same time their clock is weighing them down like they’re Flavor Flav. Forcing them to be with someone who’s not quite right for them, but is good enough. Isn’t that’s a recipe for disaster? I mean, why settle?
I know a lot of women in their 20s (early to late) that are looking to settle down as soon as possible. And the urge to do just increases the closer they get to 30. Though, I think it goes into overdrive when they turn 25. A few of my female friends start to toss around the idea of getting with their “Safety D” (term coined by RightCoastLexSteele). The guy that may not be the perfect match, but is a good guy and would make a good husband. This just didn’t seem like a good idea to me for a couple reasons…
Hit the Snooze Button
At 20+ years old do you really have to think about marriage? You’ve got more time to meet people and really see what it is you like and don’t like about the opposite sex. I don’t see the reasoning behind settling for a dude when you haven’t even dated that much. “But, Seattle there’s a lot of horrible guys out there.” I know, there are about as many of them as there are chicks I wouldn’t be with. Even though it’s a daunting prospect, it’s better to do it now than much later in life.
No One Wants to be That Guy
Two, and maybe I’m getting emo as I get older, but I feel bad for that dude. No one should be the last resort. “I couldn’t find anyone else that I really like and you’re cool, so let’s rock homie.” If I ever found out that was the reasoning behind some chick wanting to be with me, I’d pack up and be out after a serious tongue lashing. Not the good kind, the bad kind. Not to mention it’s selfish. Let that dude find someone that truly appreciates him and not someone that’s just there to be taken care of.
Gender Specific
Lastly, I know I talked to a lot of women about this, but do any dudes do this as well? Maybe they do and we just don’t talk about it. In my travels, I’ve just found more than often that women will settle more than dudes. Why is this? I know I don’t want to be that old dude in the club talking to young women. I want a wife and kid(s) too. But I just feel that I’m too young to settle for some girl who’s only giving me 60/40… want my 80/20 dammit.
Maybe it’s just me, I just don’t feel that one should settle at any age. It just seems like a recipe for disaster. Specifically for the only reason that someone can take care of you. Or good sex. More so the former than the latter. But, maybe there’s something I’m not getting. Ladies if you disagree, please enlighten me. And fellas, do you find yourself settling for lady because of your age? Let the discussions begin. Don’t worry, this is a safe place.
Seattle – Settle Now and In Divorce Court Later – Washington
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i wouldn’t settle at all regardless of my age. i’d rather be by myself. just like you said that’s very selfish. i’m going to be with you because i couldn’t do better. more than likely you’re not going to happy in a situation like this, so why do it to yourself?
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Y.O. from MN Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Meaningless Commitment = Disaster waiting to happen!
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:54 am
i agree… i rather be alone than marry a dude that i wasn’t completely into/in love with… a waste of time, in my opinion.
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Streetz: Mr Monday Night Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am
I agree with this. No need to settle, just press on!
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I can definitely say that I see it in more so with the ladies I hang out with than my male friends. I have one girl friend who all ready booed up with a guy she’s only really known for a week…! I don’t don’t see myself committing anytime soon unless it’s with the one I’m meant to be with (I kinda got commitment issues anyways…but that’s another issue in itself! lol)
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My clock is in a box under my bed. Not letting that drive my desire for a boo.
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Seattle, I can agree that no one wants to be the consolation prize. But don’t get too mad if you hear clocks ticking. Unfortunately, biology has not caught up with the progress we’ve made as women: no matter how hard we try to extend the amount of time we have to procreate, at some point your uturus will not cooperate with you. No jokes. We are born with all of the eggs we will ever have, and past puberty all we’re doing is throwing them down the drain on a monthly basis.
When I was in my late teens and early 20′s I looked on with horror as some of my friends got pregnant. Just the idea was a nightmare – they were giving up their youth and severely limiting their success by popping out kids too soon. College? What college? Responsible father? Who’s he? And don’t get me wrong, I still feel that way to this day. I wouldn’t want my (future) kids to limit their potential with unwanted kids too early.
But 10-15 years down the line, I see those same friends maintaining good jobs, going back to school and dating without the need for a babysitter because their kids are old enough to stay at home for a few hours. While many sistas like myself, who did the “right thing” and didn’t procreate young and out of wedlock are left wondering who will be our husbands. Cuz honey, we didn’t wait this long just to have Man Man’s baby. I want the good man, and the ring and THEN the kid, dangit! LOL! In the meantime, we’re doing it for ourselves, having fun and meeting men that we hope can be Mr. Right. And that’s ok.
Back to settling. I would ask you, are these women telling you that they are settling? Are they treating their men poorly or cheating? Because those are the signs of a trifling woman/person in general. A lot of what you describe as settling sounds to me like these women just have matured and developed different priorities. Sexy azz De’Quan just don’t cut it anymore – we need men with jobs, ambition, a relationship with God, respect for himself and for us. So what if he doesn’t LOOK like he would break your spine (he still might, just don’t look it) – it’s a blessing to be able to shake loose from falling for the outside and not what’s underneath. That’s not settling – it’s good common sense.
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Remi Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:44 am
@Anna – “A lot of what you describe as settling sounds to me like these women just have matured and developed different priorities. Sexy azz De’Quan just don’t cut it anymore – we need men with jobs, ambition, a relationship with God, respect for himself and for us.”
I couldn’t agree more. I think this is a real problem b/c on the one hand you have men saying women have unrealistically high standards, and then when they change or make them more realistic, are thought the be “settling.” It sounds like these women just changed their priorities. If a person is unhappy, that would be settling, but if both of them are happy, then even if the person she marries is not “the perfect match”, they should be together.
I have a quite a few friends who are in serious relationships or are married to men who in their younger years they would not have even given the time of day, but they are together and very happy. The main thing that changed were their priorities (not the biological clock ticking).
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CHeeKZ is salty that bad ones take him off the list just b/c is doesn't share their faith Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 9:03 am
“We are born with all of the eggs we will ever have, and past puberty all we’re doing is throwing them down the drain on a monthly basis.”
Did you have to be so descriptive. Can’t get that thought out my head.
“we need men with jobs, ambition, a relationship with God, respect for himself and for us.”
hmmm is 2/4 really that bad? I just feel like you are being picky with those last 2.
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Anna Nimous Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am
What can I say – I majored in creative writing! I like to paint a vivid picture for you.
And who the heezy are you going to get with if you don’t respect her? You younguns….smh…
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When a woman’s standards change…that could be a bad situation, but after a while I do think that your “type” should change or alter. An older and “wiser” friend of mine said, until your type goes out the window, you’ll prolly never meet the right person.
Like when you’re 15 and dating…you want the person who’s voice is deepest and whoever is startin to get a lil fuzz on the chin.
When you’re 19 you’re looking for whoever has the biggest muscles and could dubb best on the dance floor.
When you’re 21 you’re prolly lookin for whoever has the biggest and best D game and knows where the parties are at on the wknds…wait naw…screw wknds…Wed thru Sunday!!!
When you’re 25, I’d hope you’re not lookin for the same stuff you’ve been lookin for at 15, 19, and 21. As a result, the type of person you’re looking for should change. At this point if you’re looking for a more serious relationship, then you’re prolly looking for somebody who’s a good person, and who you get along with really well, someone who still has a good D game ::clears throat:: and is family oriented etc.
A lot of times you’ll find this in an unexpected person, or most likely not in the dude with the bulging muscles who’s still concerned with going to the club Wed-thru Sunday.
Am i totally off base with this ppl?
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Remi Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:47 am
You are completely on base to me.
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Vanessa aka Miss V Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 9:07 am
nope, you are absolutely correct…
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the ga peach teach Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 10:39 am
I think you hit the nail on the head…
If you are still looking for those same people, one day you WILL wake up and grow up and be like WTF did I get myself into!
I have friends that are like that now…still choosing dudes based on these lists we made up in HS…and then wondering why they get in the situations they end up in…
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Seattle Washington Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
It’s cool to evolve, I know what’s important to me now is far from what was important to me when I was 18. Slim and a nice booty was enough for the kid. Let’s just say I’m a lil more refined now.
However, I just see certain young ladies compromising on what they find important now and making excuses for it because they’re content and uncertain about what else is out there.
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I think some women have been on the rush to get married since they were dating. lol
But to be honest, I’ve heard it a few times from one of my homegirls, she’s talking about settling down with a man who both her and I BOTH know is not a good man, but she doesn’t have any other candidates. She sees him as a last resort, he sees my girl as a meal ticket.
I would never settle bc I hate drama and try to do anything to keep it from coming into my life. Settling will bring drama!
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*singing lowwwwwered expectaaaaaations*[mad tv ref]
I can’t keep count on my fingers of how many ex-strippas from high school have settled for FLAVA FLAVSSSSSSSSS & Urkles
It doesn’t bother me..more quality chocolate treats for me to chose from…
I will not settle, there is so much to see and do on this globe…I have enough talent, spunk and drive in my pinky finger to eternally feed and clothe myself..any suitor is a nice dessert….I’m looking out for him, while having the time of my life…if he’s true he’ll be able to keep up with me….damn is it lunch yet? Good post
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Naturally Alise Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
I love the Madd TV ref, I was thinking the same thing, lol…
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@ Anna & @D…
See, these women that I’ve talked to aren’t settling in terms of the physical, but more so of the chemistry. That’s what I have a problem with. Isn’t that what should be sought after?
They’ll take an L on him being cool or having good conversation or being into what they’re into because he’s stable and can take care of them. While I agree that overlooking the physical is a mature characteristic, I just see something wrong with overlooking personality for comfort and convenience.
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D Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Personality is a funny thing Seattle. For years, I was attracted to men who had big ego’s, and who walked into a room on some “i’m the sh*t tip.” It never worked for me so why keep dating the same personality type if it’s been proven time and time again that it doesn’t work. Why not go for something different? That’s not settling…that’s just going for something that you’ve figured out is better suited for you.
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I think people “settle” when they ONLY seek a partner who can give them material needs (ie degree, home, good job, nice looking, no kids etc). We settle when we only think that good on paper is good enough
I can’t stress enough how good heart, mind, soul, treats you good, appreciates you. loves you and is considerate are traits people BARELY look for in a mate
I settled for my ex husband. he was strikingly handsome, had a 6 figure income, had a large house, great car and a nice family. GOOD ON PAPER. We were COMPLETELY incompatible. I mean he didn’t eve have sex with me.
THAT was settling….
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This is a really good post.
At 25, I’ve actually gone in the opposite direction and have fine-tuned, focused and increased my standards.
I wouldn’t do it, but I could understand why people lower their standards.
It’s hard to see your friends marry off out of your life, have kids and just disappear in the void of family-life, leaving you questioning your own choices; wondering if you need to switch tactics. The thought that you are being left behind is hard to grasp for some people and in their desperation they will do whatever it takes.
You don’t want to resent your friends for finding that special someone, but you can’t help feeling just a little bit out of the loop.
The worst is realizing a guy you dumped in your early 20s is just right for you now, but you can’t be with him because he’s with someone who has recognized his greatness right away.
Nevertheless, you have to put on a smile and be happy, right?
Love stinks.
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Men settle cuz they’re afraid they’ll marry a whore. Which usually results in them marrying whores. (I married a whore!)
P.S. I didn’t marry a whore. If you saw the movie, you get the reference. Remember?
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Terry Lang Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
LOL, but your current wife you met while playing paintball, right?
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Crown Jewel Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Nope…I’m not married to my knowledge.
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Terry Lang Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Woops, I thought you had a Superbad reference with the “I married a whore” thing.
My bad. Carry on.
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RightCoastLexSteele, The Crown Jewel Reply:
June 16th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Wrong movie….but you’re definitely warm
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man life cannot be just one big plan…spit happens and you dont always get what you want
time to make changes in your life..changing your viewpoint isn’t settling
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Honey today is my born day I am 35 years young today and I refuse to settle, its not easy being this way but neither are the alternatives……… I was on the Honey mag site last week and they actually had a list of things maybe some women should overlook, things like mutilple baby mothers, multiple children, barely above illiterate dudes and young they even had DL dudes listed…I was like WTF seriously.
Being single is not THAT bad nor will it ever be…cause let me tell you something I heard once that I know to be true for self….when you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than what you settled for!!!
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Seattle, I think the most important thing in a relationship is the friendship. When all the fireworks fizz out, which it undoubtedly will, all you’ll be left with is that person you got into the relationship with. You better pray to the Big Man that you love that SOB. This is why shared interest and how you operate with a person is so important.
Women settling on personality, character, and common interest will only be a$$ed out in the end. These are the main things that make any friendship or REAL friendship on earth, work. It’s like…end it now, or end it later…either way it’s a wrong match if you can’t even be friends with the person that you’re dating. Why settle on those fronts when you’re wasting time not finding the non-existent “Mr. Perfect” or at least “Mr. Perfect for Me”
Like, how about we not settle for a cheater, a liar, a non-committer, a man who does not have a relationship with God, a person who doesn’t have ambition, or doesn’t care about our well being.
Those are things that you probably shouldn’t settle on, but so many women do, and don’t even look at that as “settling” which is crazy to me. They just “ride it out” because, “he’ll come around”…
All women have the infamous list of things they want in a man. If your list has remained the same since you were 18…a change is overdue. Often times it starts with, “he’s gotta be over 6 ft tall, and he’s gotta be chocolate! He’s gotta have a good job, he can’t be skinny, and have these degrees” When you say , “settle,” immediately some of those same women are probably thinking, “uhh uhh….i’m not settling for nobody that’s 5’11 and light skinned…I don’t need to settle” I feel like I had that same list when I was in college, and it was great, BUT…like really though? At 25…who gives a damn?! When you’re looking to settle down (no pun intended), if a caring and compassionate man, who you get along great with comes in a 5’11, light skinned, skinny package then who cares?
When we’re 80, is it really going to matter that you were 6ft tall, with a 6 pack, and chocolate?!
All I’m saying is…settling in regard to your “physical type” or even sometimes personality type “bad boy to tame” is not a bad thing. Settling on compatibility and how you’re treated is.
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THe Nonstop radio show did a great show on men/womens standards. Check it out! We go IN
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/NONSTOPRADIOSHOW/2009/06/14/NON-STOP-RADIO-SHOW-Episode-10-Lookin-for-a-BarackMichelle-are-standards-unrealistic.mp3
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I think people get confused, bc there is a fine line between settling and accepting someone’s flaws. They forget that when someone’s flaws make you compromise your own goals, beliefs, and sanity and you decide to stay, it then becomes settling. Also, you know people, particularly women, (*sorry gals*) have that “I Can Change You” Syndrome, therein lies a lot of the settling that goes on.
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The only real problem with refusing to settle is that you might be forfeiting opportunities to take risks and just enjoying someone for the time being, but then again refusing to settle may also prevent you from “falling” for someone who isn’t the right one for you in the first place and developing hurt feelings because said person never became who you thought could, should, or would be….
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